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Previously: shit went down.
MAVO bugs me so much I'm not going to recap her at all anymore unless it's absolutely, 100% necessary. I'm your MAVO now, bitches. Without the suicide. Well, so far.
So, we learn that Gabrielle and Mama Solis have been at war since the very night that Gabrielle and Carlos got engaged. "From the prenuptial agreement she reluctantly signed, to the selection if wedding music she despised," MAVO says -- and how quickly I had to rescind my no MAVO rule -- "to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted, Gabrielle suffered one defeat after another." Including her unfortunate side ponytail, by the way. And now that Mama Solis suspected that Gabrielle of getting a little bone on the side, she was doubly screwed. For example, Mama Solis has decided that Gabrielle doesn't need Yao Lin around to help her with the house, and she says so to Carlos. Gabrielle looks perturbed. "It's a big house. I need help," she bleats. Also, she needs someone around to blame in case Miguel leaves his jockstrap under the bed. "It's only called 'help' when you do some of the work yourself," Mama Solis says. Gabrielle stammers that she "supervises." Mama Solis shrugs and tells Carlos that he's paying Yao Lin fifteen grand a year, while he's always saying that he needs to be putting more money away for his retirement. Carlos thinks about this and tells Gabrielle that they do need to start cutting back on expenses. "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?" Gabrielle asks. Dude, what else you are doing, other than yoga and the gardener? If you had a job, or kids, then I would be all aboard the maid train. But right now? It's hard for me to feel bad for you. Carlos says he thinks she'll manage, but all she manages to do is pout.
Later that night, Gabrielle slinks out of the bathroom in hot pants and a push-up bra and crawls all over Carlos. She points out that if they get rid of the maid, she will have no energy to blow him. Well, basically. She doesn't say the word "blow," but she does crawl down his torso to end the scene, and I don't think she's going down there to give him a pedicure.
Not to mention the fact that, the morning, Carlos looks uber-satisfied and announces to his mother that the maid is staying. Gabrielle looks pleased with herself in a way that cannot possibly stem from even the most adroit cuticle trimming.
“ Creepy Paul decides to have a Yard Sale. Surprisingly, his signs do not read 'Suicide Close-Out! All Suspicious Clues Must Go!' People browse, as Creepy Paul unpacks a box labeled 'Baby Stuff/ Red Herrings?' ”
Creepy Paul decides to have a Yard Sale. Surprisingly, his signs do not read "Suicide Close-Out! All Suspicious Clues Must Go! All Reasonable Offers Accepted!" People browse, as Creepy Paul unpacks a box labeled "Baby Stuff/Red Herrings?" Susan strolls up with a hideous square glass bowl that is apparently some award Mary Alice won for some boring fund-raising type thing. Susan can't believe Paul is selling it! Shouldn't he keep it for Zack to remember his mother by? Paul is all, "No," and in this instance, I agree with Creepy Paul. First of all, it's an ugly, ugly bowl from, like Successories. Second, it's an award from the Chamber of Commerce, not an Oscar. Third, who remembers his mother with an ugly ugly bowl from Successories given by the Chamber of Commerce? It's not like Paul is selling Mary Alice's wedding dress or her high-school yearbook or her original Picasso, or her diary, for Pete's sake. Susan makes a series of accusatory faces, and Paul just drones that they're out of newspaper, and wraps the bowl in an old baby blanket. He never takes any money from her, so I am at a loss as to how this is a "sale," rather than a "come and take stuff that will later turn out to be clues"-type event. Susan is all, "Speaking of Zack, where the hell did you lock him up, you disgusting murdering perv, you?" or something along those lines. Paul lies that he sent Zack to "stay with relatives." Who? Susan asks. This is the kind of questioning that used to get Trixie Belden tied up and thrown in the trunk of an old jalopy, Susan, so I'd watch it if I were you. Paul retorts that Susan doesn't know them. "So, how'd you get the fat lip?' she asks."The usual way: asking too many questions," says Paul. Oh, burn. And yet, well played, Paul. Well played. Susan is the least subtle detective ever. Compared to her, Nancy Drew looks like a member of Special Ops. Susan just chuckles nervously and takes her ugly, ugly bowl and heads over to chit chat with Gabrielle. "Did you find out where Zack is?" Gabrielle asks. "No, but I can tell you this much: he's NOT staying with relatives," Susan retorts.
Meanwhile, elsewhere at the Yard Sale of Doom, Mama Solis digs through some old vinyl as Carlos whines that "it's driving [him] crazy." Gabrielle could be boning anyone! Anyone! "What about that guy over there," he asks, gesturing to some random dude to whom Gabrielle is chatting. Mama Solis tells Carlos that he doesn't need to worry about the men Gabrielle talks to: it's the men she ignores who are suspicious. Carlos frets again that it could be anyone: "What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?" "Marriage takes work," Mama Solis says as she sails past Miguel and out of frame. The writer of that scene leans back in his armchair and murmurs, "and...scene" to himself
Lynette and KimberBree come from nowhere to gossip with Gabrielle and Susan. Lynette isn't surprised that Paul is "playing it close to the vest." He knows they're on to him. KimberBree exposits that Zack said that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he did. I would kill someone to get my hands on her hot argyle sweater. Susan really wants to track Zack down: "It's the only way we'll know the truth." KimberBree can't image Zack doing anything that bad. Gabrielle reminds her of ChristmasGate, and says that "the kid's obviously troubled in some way." Everyone stares at everyone for like a really long time.
Meanwhile, over at Silvercrest Loony Bin For Kids Being Held Against Their Wills, some random doctor tells Creepy Paul that poor little Zack has severe depression, borderline personality disorder, and a real bad haircut. He's "a deeply troubled young man." Creepy Paul says he knows this: "What are you giving him?" "Anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer." But they need to start therapy. Creepy Pail is all, "No. No thanks. No therapy. None for us." The doctor points out that they can't just medicate him forever. "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs," Creepy Paul says. Hey, that's my motto. "No new treatments without my permission," he says, and stomps off. I am so sure.
Lynette is over at Posh Academy, attending a parent meeting for a production of Little Red Riding Hood, in which Polio and Pertussis are playing oak trees. She there meets her nemesis for the episode, "the amazing Maisy Gibbons," played with great Alpha Mom aplomb by Sharon Lawrence. Maisy announces that she feels that the actual ending of the play is just too violent. She thinks killing the Big Bad Wolf sends the wrong message to kids: "We believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort." Lynette shots all the rest of the Stepfords an "are you fucking kidding me?" face, but they all just look brainwashed and uncomfortable. Lynette points out that the wolf did eat Red's grandma. He's a threat to society. Everyone else stares straight ahead. Maisy actually uses the line, "And you are?" When she finds out that Lynette is just taking tickets on the night of the performance, she suggests that Lynette leave the creative suggestions to the moms who are doing "the heavy lifting." Lynette is all insulted and crabby.
Gabrielle and Mama Solis are hanging out at KimberBree's; she is jealous of their alleged closeness. "My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day," she says. "She sounds nice," Gabrielle mutters. Enter Danielle Van De Kamp...with Miguel! Dum dum dum DUM. Gabrielle and Miguel both make a series of stricken faces, as Danielle and KimberBree chirp cheerfully and the kids go up to Danielle's room. Gabrielle murmurs that she didn't know that Miguel and Danielle were friends. Awkward. She also can't believe that KimberBree is letting Danielle study alone in her room with a boy. Especially one so well-versed in the sexual arts. KimberBree isn't worried. "Both he and Danielle are in the Abstinence Club," she chirps. Shut up, KimberBree. The first rule of Abstinence Club is, don't talk about Abstinence Club. Gabrielle does a huge, huge spit take at this and the coffee goes everywhere. "Coffee's a bit hot," she forces out.
“ 'Susan was convinced that Paul was hiding Zack and hiding the truth. And hiding her reading glasses. And hiding Julie's left shin guard. And hiding Lynette's two other kids.' ”
MAVO explains that Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasiveness. Susan watches as Paul climbs into his car, waves at her, and drives off. "She was convinced that he was hiding Zack and hiding the truth. And hiding her reading glasses. And hiding Julie's left shin guard. And hiding Lynette's two other kids." Susan? She needed a plan.
Susan heads over to Mrs. Greenberg's house, and after a lot of hoo-ha about needing to get back some eggs she loaned Mrs. Greenberg like a year ago and yada yada yada, manages to talk her into letting her borrow her old car. "Do you know how to drive a stick?" Mrs. Greenberg asks. Susan thinks so. She learned in college. "It's like riding a bike, right?" A beer to everyone who sees how this is going to go.
Dr Goldfine's. He tells KimberBree and Rex that they're making excellent progress, as he anally adjusts the drapes. I think KimberBree is growing on him. She thanks him and agrees, as she strokes an ivory tusk on a nearby side table like she's giving it a handjob. Not that I'd know what that looked like, Mom, I swear. Why are you reading my recaps, again? I told you they were full of adult situations. Speaking of adult situations, there's something else they need to cover: Rex isn't happy with his sex life. He thinks KimberBree is not as "connected" as she could be during sex, and thinks they should get a sexual surrogate. KimberBree smiles very, very tightly at this and crosses her arms over her breasts and wonders what, exactly, this person would do. Rex explains that she would sort of be their sex coach. "So she would be in the room with us when we make love?" KimberBree asks with a very sarcastic smile. Rex explains that this will help them "achieve maximum sexual potential." KimberBree's tight smile gets even tighter. Dr. G asks if she has any questions. She only has one. And it's for Rex. "How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last? Because it is really starting to tick. Me. Off," she spits, gathering her things and storming out.
Coffee Klatch at Lynette's House of Pain. She comes down the stairs and announces that "everyone is down for a nap." She sets a baby monitor down on the table and suggests that they get cracking. How cute: they're pretending she still has those other two kids. Anyway, it's poker time. Mama Solis knits in the background. She looks longingly at the cards as Susan yammers that she and Mike have their first official date week: "I think he's taking me to see a play or something." Oh, I'm sure you'll screw it all up before then, Susan. Lynette uses this moment to complain about her own play-related drama. KimberBree comments that Maisy does like to rule her little roost. Susan whines that it's just like Girl Scouts: the girls smile at you to your face, and then make fun of you behind your back for not shaving your legs. And that's when we learn that Susan had shitty friends. Lynette yaps that she'd rather fight with men because women are so sneaky blah blah sexist generalization blah. Gabrielle points this out, saying that, um, it's sexist to generalize like that. She wanders over to the window and watches Miguel unloading his truck across the street. Lynette says that scientists have proven this Women Are Backstabbers bullshit to be true. I don't remember seeing "Ladies Are Sneaky" on the cover of the Journal of the American Medical Association. Gabrielle doesn't have time to disprove Lynette's tiresome generalizations about male/female socialization; instead, she makes up a lie about how the guacamole is really not sitting well with her and dashes off to the bathroom. Lynette sighs that she hates three-handed poker and suggests a break. Mama Solis pipes up that she'd be happy to play. "I used to play a little with my grandfather," she says, and suggests that they play for real money. A cookie to everyone who can see where this is going.