Fade up on Mary Alice, peaceful in her coffin. As she steams toward the fires of the crematorium -- cheery on a cold night like this one! -- we hear her explain that, after she died, "every trace of [her] humanity was discarded." Yes, literally. Visual puns, check. Mary Alice, you so hokey. MAVO tells us that she held on to only one thing: her dignity. Oh, no, wait. Sorry, I meant her memory.
We cut to KimberBree, alone in bed, fiddling her with her giant diamond ring. I would not be surprised to learn that she made it herself out of a lump of coal. MAVO remembers things about KimberBree: "The easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands." Amusingly, the gentle elegance of her hands are illustrated as she lights a dessert on fire under this VO. MAVO waxes poetic about "the warmth of [KimberBree's] voice," as KimberBree says goodbye to Guests From The Past, including Mary Alice, and turns to say, "Rex, wasn't that a lovely even--" Her voice trails off as he turns his back on her and just walks away. Yes, yes, marital issues at Casa Van de Kamp. But what MAVO remembered most about KimberBree was "the look of fear in her eyes."
Apparently, according to MAVO, the "state of [KimberBree's] marriage was unacceptable." Really? I never would have guessed. Shut your trap, dead lady. As MAVO yammers on and on and on and on and on, KimberBree gets out of bed, goes downstairs, and wakes up Rex, who's sacked out on the sofa bed. He bitches for a bit, until she reminds him that he has to go upstairs and get into their bedroom or the kids will know they're not sharing a bed and that something is wrong. Rex "doesn't care anymore." Way to be invested in your family, dude. I know you're over the wife, but think about the kids. And I'm not necessarily advocating lying to them, but you could at least argue for being honest with them. I hate Rex. I wouldn't want to be married to KimberBree either -- except for how delightful the housekeeping and meals would be, and because I would get to try on all her cute little suits -- but he is so checked out. And I feel like, if you've agreed to the therapy thing, then you also actually need to try and work on the marriage even when you're not in therapy. Or, you can tell your spouse that you're not interested in therapy, you want a divorce, and then you can actually move out, call a divorce lawyer, and serve her with papers. KimberBree is crazy, but at least she sticks to her plan, dude. Whereas Rex is totally passive. He does nothing. Make a move, man, or shut up.
Anyway, KimberBree doesn't want to burden the children. Won't someone think of them? "And while we're working things out, the least we can do is keep up appearances," she says, as she pulls the bed sheets off him. "You look so tired," she says. Rex rubs his face and complains that the sofa bed is really uncomfortable. KimberBree smiles that maybe he should move back into bed with her. "We're in marriage counseling. I think that would confuse things," he said. Because...? You'd be acting like...married people? Aren't you supposed to act...married? If you're trying to save your marriage? I mean, I really don't know. KimberBree sighs that she misses him. "I know you do. 'Course, if I don't start getting some sleep pretty soon, I'll be forced to move upstairs out of sheer exhaustion," Rex spits, and climbs the stairs. Well, that's kind of him. Why doesn't he just say, "I don't care how you feel and sleeping to you makes me want to kill myself"? See? I think KimberBree is trying to show him that she cares about him, and he just doesn't give a shit anymore. And that's okay, I guess, but if that's the case, then be a man and break it off, Rex, you big baby. Don't just passive-aggressively make digs. You TOLD HER you were willing to try to make it work. Anyway, as Rex goes around the corner, KimberBree whips out some conveniently located pliers, pulls back the mattress on the sofa bed, and fiddles with several of the springs, so that they poke right into Rex's back. We can see that this is not the first time she's done this. See? KimberBree's crazy, but at least she takes action! As she smiles down at her handiwork, MAVO explains that KimberBree was not afraid of a challenge.
Morning on Wisteria Lane. MAVO yammers about how it was a day like any other, "with a cup of coffee and the morning paper." She then narrates us through each of her friends' lives: Lynette reads the business section while the boys whack each other with light sabers; Gabrielle reads the style page and has her maid pour her another cup of Colombian roast; KimberBree reads the home section and fixes an unruly flower on her dining-room table; and, finally, Susan reads the front page and gets toast all over her face, which Julie sweetly wipes off. I love Julie. Susan glances at the date on the paper, furrows her brow, and gets up and looks at her calendar. There's a Post-It stuck to the day. It reads, "Mary Alice dinner."
Post-It in hand, Susan scampers over to Lynette's. While she waits for Princess Stepford to come to the door, she has a flashback to Happier Times. You can tell it's a flashback, because her face goes all dreamy and, also, Mary Alice is in it, and she's alive. "I come bearing snacks!" Susan chirps, hoisting two bags of chips, as Mary Alice lets her inside Lynette's house. The rest of the girls are sitting down to a game of cards. (In an amusing detail, we learn that the cards are sticky because Preston used them to scoop jam.) Mary Alice announces that she's having a dinner party. "Paul never likes to have people over, but to heck with him, I'm doing it," she says. That's because Paul? Crazy. Everyone agrees on a month from that day, and Mary Alice twitters that she's been wanting to have everyone over for just ages!
On the stoop, in the present day, Susan looks sad until Lynette opens the door. She raises the Post-It wanly. "I know, the dinner," Lynette sighs. Lynette, your choker has got to go. I hate it. I fixate on it. Please get rid of it. They're seed pearls, for Christ sake. Who wears seed pearls anymore? (Seed-pearl wearers in the reading audience, please don't email me.)
Suddenly, the girls are all standing under a tree passing around the Post-It like a joint. Susan wonders how they all could have forgotten about the party. Lynette points out that usually, when the host dies, the party is off. "Lynette!" KimberBree gasps. "I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality," Lynette says. They chatter for a bit about how Poor Dead Mary Alice was so excited about her party and blah blah blah, you'd think if she was that excited about it, she would have waited until after the party to kill herself, but what do I know? Susan thinks they should go through with it anyway, as a way to honor Mary Alice. KimberBree offers to make "braised lamb shank," and everyone else offers to, you know, attend. "How many people will I be cooking for?" KimberBree asks. "Seven," says Gabrielle. "Three couples and Susan. Does that sound right?" Susan grouses that it sounds very wrong to her, and everyone makes sympathetic noises and KimberBree wonders if there's someone Susan might like to invite, and right on cue, Mysterious Mike jogs by, all sweaty and panting. Susan waves a girlish hand at him and twitters like a little girl. "I have an idea," she says.
"A dinner party?" Carlos thinks he might have to work late. Gabrielle pouts that he promised to be home every night that week. "This is business," Carlos tells her. "Said the prince as he rides off into the sunset. Boy, did the movies ever get that wrong," Gabrielle says petulantly. Carlos gives her a pleading look and then informs her that she's just "too tense." He thinks she should go to the spa, or do some shopping. "Find a way to relax!" he says, as he leaves.
Of course, Gabrielle immediately calls Miguel. "Where are you?" He's in Algebra. Algebra, my old nemesis. So we meet again! Is he free at 4? He's got track at 4. Gabrielle coos that her husband told her she needed to relax. "Want me to keep my gym clothes on like last time?" Miguel asks. "If you would, please," Gabrielle coos. Because girls love sweaty jockstraps! Make a note, lovers.
"A dinner party?" Gay Matt hasn't even unpacked yet! He just wants to stay home and chill! "Oh, [Gay Matt]. There will be liquor. And hors d'oeuvres. And grownups without children. And silverware. Remember silverware?" Lynette asks, as she takes sock after sock out of the dryer. Gay Matt is just wiped out. "I just want to hang out with my best gal," he says and kisses her. I have to say, I am partial to men who call me their best gal -- although I don't like it when they call me "lady" -- but Lynette just looks disappointed. "I was looking so forward to a night out," she whines. Gay Matt apologizes, but sighs that he's beat. "Do you remember what it's like to work a sixty-hour week?" he asks, as he tosses something into her laundry basket. Lynette glares at him. Gay Matt, do you remember what it's like to sleep on the sofa? I suspect you might be in for a refresher course.
"A dinner party?" Rex wonders if he has to go. KimberBree says she thinks so, especially since they're hosting. She packs his lunch, and then announces that he won't be drinking at this party: "Because when you drink you get chatty. No one needs to know that we're seeing Dr. Goldfine." Rex snips that maybe they'd be making more progress in the counseling if KimberBree spent as much time working on their problems as she did covering them up. "Not a drop," is KimberBree's response. Rex sputters that the whole cover-up is ridiculous: "This whole thing about us taking tennis lessons." KimberBree points out that the nurses at Rex's office might wonder where's he's going off to three times a week, and "tennis lessons are a plausible alibi." Rex just turns to go, wondering sarcastically how their fictional tennis game is reacting. "My backhand has improved immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve," KimberBree rattles off easily. Rex takes his lunch and grouses his way out the door.
"A dinner party?" It's Karl, Susan's nasty ex. She wonders if he can keep Julie an extra night. Karl is played by Richard Burgi, whom I just saw on Seinfeld twenty minutes ago. ["I'm pretty sure Karl was played by someone different in the pilot; if I'm remembering right, it looked like this guy." -- Wing Chun] Everyone on this show was on Seinfeld: Marcia Cross was the dermatologist Jerry insulted when he said she wasn't a "real doctor"; Brenda Strong was, of course, Sue-Ellen Mishkie, the Oh Henry Bar heiress and braless wonder; and Teri Hatcher, was, as we all know, both real and spectacular. Anyway, Karl can watch Julie, but, he adds, he and "Brandi" are leaving Sunday for a week at "the cabin." Brandi waves at Susan from her perch on Karl's Penismobile and takes a long glug from her soda. "What cabin?" Susan asks. Karl smirks that escrow closed just yesterday. "You can afford a cabin but you can't afford child support?" Susan sputters. "The check is in the mail," Karl smarms. Susan opens her mailbox, looks in and slams it shut. "No, it's not," she snaps. Enter Julie. "I found my dental guard. I'm ready...stop fighting," she asks. Susan tells her that they're being as civil as they possibly can be. "Like I said, stop fighting," Julie reiterates, and heads to the car. Brandi tosses her empty at the trash bin near Susan's feet, but it misses and rolls around on the grass for a long moment. "Excuse me, Brandi? Do you mind?" Susan asks, icily. Everyone looks, you know, awkward. "Oh. Okay," Brandi says, and heads over to pick up her trash. Karl stops her and asks why Susan doesn't pick it up. Karl and Susan argue about the etiquette of empties, while both Brandi and Julie look concerned and embarrassed and make tentative movements to retrieve the can. "Fine. This is so typical," Karl says, and reaches for it himself. Susan kicks it right out of his reach. "I'm sorry. Was that petulant, too?" she asks. Karl snaps that she can pick up the can himself. "Well, you can just go to hell!" Susan retorts, and kicks it him. But it lands right in front of Mysterious Mike and Bongo (this Thursday, at the Whiskey!). "Do you want me to pick it up?" Mike asks. Susan's mouth just hangs opens and she sort of shrugs. Say it with me: poooooor Susan.
House of Creepy. Creepy Paul is reading the paper, and Zack, Son of Creepy, is sitting around looking bereaved. Zack asks Paul if he put an obituary in the paper for Mary Alice. "I've had other things on my mind, Zack," Paul snarls. "But how could you not do that? People are going to think we didn't care about her," Zack says. Paul doesn't think people will give it much thought. "You don't even talk about it. It's been barely over a month and it's like she never existed," Zack sniffles. Poor Zack. Paul snips that it's too early for "this kind of talk." Zack glares at him. "Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary," he says. "That will be your choice to make," Paul says. "Assuming you outlive me," he adds. Game...set...match to Creepy Paul. Zack just nervously picks up his orange juice...
...as does Gabrielle, who is on the phone with her mother about some family issues -- like who's driving Aunt So and So to yada yada. You know. But someone's at the door! Why, it's Miguel in his sweaty gym clothes. But if Zack and Paul were having breakfast...is it now 4? I'm confused. Anyway, Gabrielle quickly hangs up on her mother and she and Miguel start doing it right there in front of her mostly-glass front door. Well, I'm glad to see that her decision not to bone him at home is standing firm. "How was school?" she asks, between liplocks. Miguel proudly announces that he got an A- on his Biology exam. This pleases Gabrielle, who expresses a willingness to test his knowledge of Biology then and there. That joke might have worked better with Chemistry, but whatever. They're all doing it, but Gabrielle opens her eyes for a sec and spies a horrified-looking child peering at them through the door. "Hey, you!" Gabrielle yells at the kid, who promptly turns tail and races away.
Meanwhile, across the street, Lynette and Susan climb out of Susan's car, girl talk a-poppin'. Susan is very embarrassed that Mike witnessed her Karl-related fit. "He's coming to the party, right?" Lynette asks. "I left three messages. No, he's not coming," Susan moans. I would have loved to have heard said messages. I'm sure they got progressively worse and worse, like that scene in Swingers, where Jon Favreau leaves like twenty messages on some girl's machine, and ends up just telling her, like, his entire life story and making a fool of himself. "I did everything but foam at the mouth," she says, "God, I hate it when I get that way. Every time I get within ten feet of Karl, I just become this monster." Lynette looks sympathetic and advises Susan to resolve her Karl-related issues. "What, forgive him? I've lived with this bitterness so long, I think I'd be lonely without it," Susan cracks. Lynette smiles that she should get a pet. Susan heads into the house, just as Lynette's own bitterness erupts when she looks down at the package of photos in her hand and sees Gay Matt, in a sombrero with two other guys. I mean, he's wearing the sombrero. He's not sitting in an enormous sombrero with two other men, or anything. Either way, I TOLD YOU HE WAS GAY.
"It's a business meeting!" Gay Matt tells her. "It's a frat party," Lynette corrects him. Gay Matt points out the diners as "Regional Manager, Corporate Manager, Head of Sales." He's the Head of Sales, which is why, presumably, he travels so much. "Margarita, cigar, sombrero," Lynette retorts. Gay Matt sighs and wonders if Lynette just wants him to moon around the hotel the entire time. She assures him that she does not, but adds that when they get invited to a party, she doesn't want him to complain about his workload; she wants to him to put on his dancing shoes and "take the mother of [his] children out for a good time." Gay Matt concedes that she has a point and suggests that they go to the party. Lynette pouts that she's already cancelled the sitter. "We'll throw the one," Gay Matt says. Lynette points out that she doesn't even have time to wash her face -- how can she throw a party? I have to say, these two are the only married people on this show who ever actually have discussions or tell the other one what they want. Bravo to Lynette and her gay husband. Gay Matt sighs. Lynette tells him she's going to the party and he's going to stay home and baby-sit. "Fine, I can handle that," Gay Matt says as he struggles without success to open a Jell-O cup. Lynette rolls her eyes and strolls over there and opens it for him. She sweeps out of the room. "Thank you," he offers meekly to her back. I love Doug Savant.
MAVO: "Gabrielle spent the morning searching for the mysterious little girl. Sadly for her, the mystery was solved a bit too quickly." Cut to Carlos is shaking Ashley's hand on his front lawn. For Ashley is her name, and I'm too old to wait for that reveal. Two things. One: how bad can Carlos be if he's making nice with a little kid? Not that bad. Second: I'm confused. It's still morning, but she's already had sex with Miguel after his track meet at 4 PM? Because it's still the same day because everyone has the same clothes on and Gabrielle spent the whole morning looking for the kid, according to MAVO, so...did she go back in time? Did Miguel ditch Gym and come over to sex her up and then go back to school for track? Why is Carlos home in the middle of the day all of a sudden? What is up with the timeline here? Anyway, Gabrielle runs up to Carlos and the kid. "What's going on?" she asks. Carlos introduces Ashley and her mother as their new neighbors. Gabrielle tries her best to be friendly with the child, but Ashley gives her nothing but the look of death. "She's shy. She doesn't say much," Mom explains. "Ah, but I can see her little mind working away," Carlos comments kindly. Gabrielle makes a series of concerned faces.
Over at Casa Mary Alice, Zack heads into The Shed. He gets a gun of a box and looks at it thoughtfully. Did we not learn from Passions never to forget the shed?
Dr. Goldfine informs the Van de Kamps that he thinks they would benefit from "private sessions." KimberBree doesn't understand. "Why do we need private lessons?" Why isn't my hair smooth and flippy like yours? Why don't I own an adorable tweedy suit like yours? These are my questions. I am alarmingly charmed by KimberBree's look. Am I turning Stepford? Dr. Goldfine explains that there are things Rex would like to discuss in private. As you can well imagine. Rex yelps that he really, really needs this, okay? "Fine," KimberBree chirps, although you can tell she's thinking about killing him, wrapping him in plastic, and burying him in a shallow grave by the side of a highway. She tells Goldfine that that's fine...but if Rex tells him anything to do with "adultery, prostitution, or internet pornography, [she'd] really appreciate [Dr. Goldfine's] taking a moral hard line." Rex looks put-upon. Dr Goldfine looks sort of turned on. With that, KimberBree swings her tennis racket over her shoulder and goes. I can't believe she let the opportunity for an "I SAY GOOD DAY, SIR"-type farewell pass her by like that.
Back on Wisteria Lane, Gabrielle approaches Ashley, who's drawing with sidewalk chalk. "Remember me? We met earlier?" Gabrielle greets her. Ashley says nothing. Gabrielle compliments her very abstract drawings. "What are those? Flamingos?" They are not flamingos. Gabrielle looks concerned. Eva Longoria is very charming and sympathetic in a role that's not super-sympathetic to begin with. "Well, they're very pretty. It almost looks like they're kissing," Gabrielle offers. Silence. She tries again. "Funny thing about kissing. It's not just for husbands and wives. Sometimes we kiss our mom, or our grandpa. Sometimes we even kiss our dog. Sometimes we even kiss people who are just our friends. Kinda like a...high five, on the lips!" I can't accurately describe in words how well that line was delivered. But I can tell you that I am going to be using it. "Nicely edited segment, Cute Editor Guy. High five on the lips!" "You really drank the hell out of that Irish Car Bomb, Cute Guy At the Bar! High Five on the Lips!" Gabrielle lifts her own hand for a high five, but Ashley leaves her hanging. So Gabrielle turns to bribery, giving the kid a Hawaiian doll. Ashley is not so impressed. "Okay," Gabrielle chirps. "So we're good, right?" Ashley's mouth says nothing, but her face says, "No." Gabrielle finally just says, if there's anything Ashley wants, she should just let Gabrielle know. "What I really want," Ashley tells her, "is a bike."
Casa Creepy. Paul walks into the kitchen and finds Zack on the sofa, playing with the unloaded gun. Well, who hasn't had that happen to him? "Where did you find that?" Paul asks. "She used this to kill herself. Why would you keep it? WHY?" Zack wails. Paul says he thought they might need it. For...protection. Yeah, that's the ticket. "I want to talk about Mom," Zack demands, leaping to his feet. "You need to take your medication," Paul says. "We are going to talk about Mom!" Zack pleads. Poor Zack. Paul is rescued by a knock at the door. Zack shushes him and answers the door to reveal KimberBree. "Hello Zack! I hope this isn't a bad time!" she chirps.
After the ads, Zack wonders how he can help KimberBree. She invites him and Paul to the party. "I'm sorry it's such late notice. We weren't sure if you and your father were ready for any kind of social engagement yet, but...well, we're sort of throwing it in your mother's honor," KimberBree says. Zack flinches. "Really?" he asks. KimberBree explains that it's just a "casual night with the gang." They're going to "tell fun stories" about Mary Alice! Zack just looks sad. "Zack, are you okay?" KimberBree asks. At this, of course, Paul pops his head out and tells KimberBree that they already have plans. Behind Zack's back, he removes the gun. "Oh, that's too bad," KimberBree says, and shoots Zack a somewhat quizzical glance. "Well, I should go," she finally says, and turns. "Thank you, Mrs. Van de Kamp," Zack calls after her, like he can't help himself. "For what, Zack?" Poor Zack looks so sad. "Remembering my mom," he sniffles. KimberBree gives Paul a look, all, like, "Awkward." "That night, Paul gave his son something to calm his nerves," MAVO says. I find it interesting that she said "his son" instead of "our son."
MAVO moves us right into the day. Gabrielle unloads a bike for Ashley. It even has a bell! She tells her to have fun, and starts to go. Ashley just stares at her. "What's wrong?" Gabrielle asks. Ashley doesn't know how to ride a bike. "Why did you ask for one?" Gabrielle asks. "Why don't you show me?" Ashley asks. Game on, Gabrielle. Game on.
MAVO: "After her talk with Lynette, Susan decided to take a look at her old photo album." Even though Susan didn't see Lynette get pissed about the photos because she had already gone inside? And even though they never talked about the photos? And despite the fact that it's the day? Or is Susan BACK IN TIME? Okay, maybe not. At any rate, Susan zips through the photos. All of the snaps of Karl have his head snipped out. This scene, by the way, is totally MAVO-narrated, but it's full of "picture" puns that I simply will not recap. Susan eventually sighs and calls Karl and leaves him a message. She needs to talk to him tomorrow, when he drops off Julie. It's important: "Give my best to...Brandi." She hangs up and looks thoughtful. One of Karl's cut-out heads slips out of the photo album. Susan looks at it for a long time and then squinches Karl's severed head into a little ball.
Lynette's house. Lynette, in curlers, a face mask, and a robe, is giving Gay Matt instructions about watching the boys. Gay Matt is not concerned. How hard can it be? he wonders. In fact, his exact words are, "Beautiful, I don't need a pamphlet. It's not brain surgery. They're just kids, for God sake." He has a bottle in hand, so I presume he's heading off to feed the baby, so you know he's not totally checked out of the child-rearing. Lynette makes her thoughtful face -- her rage mitigated, I presume, by the "Beautiful," as mine would have been (I am easily sweet-talked) -- and calls Preston over as soon as Gay Matt trots off. "Sweetie, you know our rule about cookies, right?" she asks. "Yeah, we can't have 'em after 5 because sugar makes us hyper," Preston recites. "Tonight, anything goes," Lynette says, giving him a box. "Make sure you share with your brothers."
So, despite the fact that Lynette is all be-masked and getting ready to go out, Gabrielle is still outside teaching Ashley to ride, but is having serious problems running in her high heels. Ashley does fairly well on the bike until she takes a spill. "Are you okay?" Gabrielle asks. "Yeah, let's go again," Ashley says. Gabrielle sighs that her heels don't have another block in them. What about tomorrow? Ashley asks. "You won't be around tomorrow because you have school," Gabrielle points out. Ashley sadly announces that she is home-schooled. So she's always around. Poor kid. I don't think she's a blackmailer, I think she's just lonesome. Gabrielle sighs. From beyond the grave, MAVO makes a painful "ride" pun.
Across the street, Susan answers the door in her towel. It's Karl. She yelps that she wanted to talk tomorrow. "You said it was important," Karl says. "Tomorrow. I'm in a towel," Susan says. Karl points out that they were married fourteen years: "I know what's under there." She lets him in with a sigh, saying that she doesn't have her "speech" prepared. "Brandi and I have plans tomorrow. I suggest you wing it," Karl says. So Susan tells him that she's been thinking about the Can Incident, and she doesn't want to be "that kind of person anymore." She needs an apology from him. Karl is stunned. "For the way you ended our marriage. You never took any responsibility for your behavior," she adds. Karl shakes his man-tanned head. "I don't now what to say, Susan. The heart wants what it wants," he explains. Oh, no he diiiin't. "What does that mean?" Susan asks, carefully. Karl helpfully reiterates that the heart wants what it wants. It wants. What it wants. "Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself," Susan spits. Karl gets up and leaves, saying he doesn't want to go back to "that ugly space." He suggests therapy. Susan follows him out the door in her towel. "You know what? I don't need an apology! I don't need anything from you." She chases him out to the car. "You're humiliating yourself," he intones. Susan opens his car door and leans in. "You're the one being humiliated," she says. "You walked out on your family! People think you're scum, not me, so worry about yourself! I'm okay! I can walk down the street and hold my head high." She then shuts the car door on her towel, he drives off, and, look at that! She's all naked on the street. Susan gasps in horror and races back to the house. Her front door, naturally, is locked. At this, Teri Hatcher makes this cute little squeal and tiptoes over to a potted plant, which she clutches to her bare chest.
MAVO: Susan is naked and locked out. Yeah, thanks. I'm right here. Susan holds the plant in front of her goodies and side-steps across the lawn and into the back yard. Where she finds that her back door is also locked. She sighs, sets down the plant, and tries a window. She leans over for leverage...and falls right into the shrubbery. "Lying naked in the shrubs, it occurred to Susan that this could be the most humiliating moment of her life," MAVO says.
Cue Mysterious Mike. "Susan?" he asks. MAVO: "She was wrong." Mike chivalrously directs his question to the sky. "Whatcha doing?" he asks. "Locked myself out," Susan says. "Naked." Mike sort of nods. "Oh," he says, directing this to the side of the house. "And then I fell. So, how are you?" Susan asks, crossing her legs coquettishly. Hee. "Good. I just got back," he says, and explains that he was gone all day and he just got her messages about dinner. She left three messages in one day? Oh, Susan. You need to read The Rules. I'm sure KimberBree has a copy. He'd love to come, if he still can. "It's a date!" Susan bats her lashes. "Great. I assume the dress is...casual..." Mike says to a nearby tree, barely keeping from cracking up. "Yeah. It's casual," she says. Poor Susan. Mike strolls off, and she buries her head in the bush and moans. That scene was so charmingly done between the two of them, I can overlook what a cliché the old Naked and Locked Out of the House thing is.
Night. Mike and Susan walk over to KimberBree's. Susan thanks Mike for helping her break into the house. She wonders how hard it will be to "replace that screen." Mike thinks about this and finally notes that if she decides to nail it back in herself, she should probably wear gloves, "or pants." Susan smirks and says that while she knows this is all funny in theory, she doesn't think she's ready to joke about it: "So please, no jokes." KimberBree opens the door. "Hey, where've you been?" she asks. "Oh, Susan had trouble finding something to wear," Mike says, twisting his mouth up, so as not to laugh. Susan elbows him. "Oh, is that what you meant?" he asks. This is the first episode that I've seen any chemistry between them. Of course, it's also only the third episode. But I thought Susan gave up on wooing him, due to his poor dead wife.
Inside, Lynette is talking to Gay Matt on the phone, pretending to be surprised that their kids are jumping off the walls. For a casual dinner, why is she wearing a full-length white gown? I know she never gets to go anywhere, but please. Also, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO MORE CHOKER. ["Isn't it just a cocktail dress?" -- Wing Chun] Gabrielle limps in scene. She explains that she went jogging and pushed herself too hard. "You're probably just wearing the wrong shoes," Susan offers. "Yeah, that thought did cross my mind," Gabrielle offers. Another very funny line delivery from Eva Longoria.
Dinner Table of Awkwardness. Susan looks around and then says she has to break the ice: "So you're in counseling? Big deal. You want humiliation, I'll give you humiliation. I got locked out of the house stark naked and got caught by Mike." Mike shrugs. "What can I say? Right place, right time." Everyone laughs. Lynette pipes up that she and Gay Matt got tossed out of Disneyland for lewd behavior. Again, laughing from everyone, even Rex, who seems much more relaxed. Oh, Rex. I know I said some mean things about you, but I know you just want to be happy, even if you're going about it a bad way. But you can never relax with KimberBree. She will probably cut you. Or steal your baby. So beware. Carlos tells the table that he and Gabrielle broke a water bed in Cancun. "Carlos has a thing for spike heels," Gabrielle says. Carlos points out that she was the one wearing them, not him. There is a moment, and KimberBree smiles and looks around. "Rex cries after he ejaculates," she announces. Rex looks down at his place. Carlos looks over at him sympathetically. You know what? I like Carlos. He just doesn't get Gabrielle, is all. I do think he wants to make her happy, he doesn't get that money won't do it. Anyway, to sum up: Rex cries after he ejaculates. It's awkward. Rex just shakes his head, and leaves the table. He takes his car keys and leaves, slamming the door behind him. Everyone else eats their soup.
So, Susan and Mike walk home. There is neither crying nor ejaculating. "Is Rex gone for good?" he asks. Susan hopes not. "They've always been wound a little tight, but who am I to judge?" she says. "You mean, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw soda cans?" Mike asks. Susan tells Mike that he has to know that she only gets that way around Karl. He was such a jackass at the end, and she hasn't been able to get past it. Mike suggests that she look at it as Karl doing her a favor: "Look at Karl as a starter marriage. You know, boot camp. Preparing you for something better time." Susan stands on her stoop and smiles at him. She loooooves him. Susan thanks Mike for being such a perfect gentleman with the whole naked thing. "Oh, I wasn't a perfect gentleman. I might have snuck a peek," he says. Susan blushes. "Oh. Good night!" she squeals and turns to go. "And, um, for what it's worth...wow," Mike breathes, and takes off. Susan watches him walk away, and he turns and looks back at her, shaking his head in admiration. Susan can barely get her door open fast enough to get inside and jump up and down and say "squee!"
Lynette comes home, waking Gay Matt, who is sleeping on the sofa with his laptop on his lap and stains on his t-shirt. "We are raising little terrorists. You know that, don't you?" he asks. "You didn't have a good time?" she asks. He chuckles that she can drop the act: he knows all about the cookies. She groans and asks who cracked. It was Porter. "How was your dinner party?" he asks. He's watching QVC, which I find kind of adorable. "There was dinner, but there wasn't much of a party," she says, and then explains the scandal. She doesn't go into the ejaculation details, which was the one thing that struck me as unrealistic about this scene. The ejaculatory details are the first thing I would spill to my boyfriend. "Clearly, there's trouble in paradise," Lynette reflects, as she sips a juice box. But Gay Matt is not that surprised. He never thought Rex and KimberBree were all that happy. "Are we happy?" Lynette asks.
Cut to Carlos, wearing his pajamas and using the nose hair trimmer. Heh. He and Gabrielle are rehashing the night's events. I must say, one of the things I miss most about having a boyfriend is getting to dish about the event attended in the car home or while getting ready for bed. Carlos admits that he would cry too, if he had to sleep with KimberBree. "You see a man get torn down like that, makes you wonder why he let her get away with it." Gabrielle: guilty look. "Believe me, if a woman ever humiliated me like that in public, it would only happen once," Carlos says, and trucks off to the bedroom. Gabrielle looks alarmed.
At the Van de Kamp house, KimberBree is packing Rex's suitcase. Oh, KimberBree. Don't do that. When a man is leaving you, he should have to pack his own bags, and if he forgets his socks, then he can just lump it. They have a tiff about which hotel he should stay at, KimberBree making the final call, of course, and Rex letting her, of course. He asks what she's going to tell the kids. "I could tell them that you went to tennis camp," she says. He has no response. "That was a joke," she says, and Rex retorts that he got it. She hands him his bag and tells him to come back if he needs anything. "I'll call you," he drones, and starts to go. She stops him. "Rex! In college, when we first started dating, people were so jealous of us. We were the golden couple! Everyone knew we were going to have this wonderful life. Why is this happening?" she asks. Rex is silent for a long time. "Because you can't even let me pack my own suitcase," he says, and leaves. Well, you could always tell her not to pack it, but whatever. KimberBree looks about ready to break, but instead just smoothes out the bedspread.
Susan's house. Julie comes home. Susan goes out to the car and gets in to address Karl and Brandi. "Brandi, I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was uncalled for and childish and it won't happen again," Susan rattles off. She explains that she has a lot of anger toward them both, but that she can't carry it around anymore. "Apology or no apology, I'm moving on," she says, and gets out of the car and starts to walk away. "Mrs. Mayer?" Brandi asks, getting out of the car and following Susan. Susan smiles at her and tells her not to be so formal. "I just wanted you to know, what happened between me and Karl...things got out of hand because I thought your marriage was over. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm sorry. I really am," she says. Susan smiles. "Thank you," she says. MAVO says that, although it came from an unexpected source, Susan finally got the apology she always wanted. Yes, so I just heard.
Meanwhile, Lynette comes home from the market to find Matt in a sombrero. He kisses her, and takes the groceries. "You're wearing a really big hat," she notes. He agrees that he is. And he made her margaritas! Marry me, Gay Matt! The kids are watching a video, he explains, so they have some time to enjoy themselves. "By reliving your night out with the guys?" Lynette asks. "Lynette? I'm trying," Gay Matt says. At this, Lynette takes off her glasses and takes the drink. "You look...ridiculous in that thing," she offers. "SEXY ridiculous?" Gay Matt asks...and that was where Gay Matt and I fell in love again for the first time. "Maybe," Lynette smiles. They dance around the kitchen, cheek to cheek. Aw. "You know, it's gonna take more than just this one night," she tells him. "I know," he says. "Looks like we have an audience," he tells her. The three Ps are watching them dance, all three of them decked out in their adorable footie pajamas. "Let 'em look," Lynette says, "as long as they don't try to cut in."
KimberBree storms into Dr Goldfine's office. Jeezy creezy, this episode is long. Anyway, she wants the tapes from Rex's private sessions. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. Contrived excuse for Dr. Goldfine to go into the office. KimberBree goes to steal the tape, but steals Mary Alice's instead. DUM DUM DUM DUM!
Night falls on Wisteria Lane. MAVO blabbity blabs about how she remembers how afraid she was when she was alive. "What a waste. See, to live in fear is not to live at all," she says. Thanks, FDR. We move from KimberBree sitting along in her window, looking at Mary Alice's tape, to Gabrielle sitting awake in bed with Miguel. Where's Carlos? Gabrielle hears something and gets out of bed to check it out. At the same time, Susan looks up and out her window. Paul is hammering a "For Sale" sign into the lawn of his house. Gasp!