Last week: Mary Alice Young shot herself and no one knows why! Not her husband! Not her neighbors! Not the audience! Gabrielle Solis found herself in a shitty marriage with a guy who buys her lots of stuff to make up for the fact that -- well, you know, like I said, shitty marriage. So she screws the hot gardener to make herself feel better. The hot gardener was last seen on Passions as hot but boring almost-virgin Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, a character who left town to chase after his boring virgin girlfriend, who was interesting only when she was trapped in a giant block of ice and her Evil Zombie Twin was walking around town impersonating her. Oh, I guess he was interesting that time he was in his best friend's closet, and her house got sucked into the depths of hell. That was good. Oh, and also, there was that one time that he accidentally slept with the aforementioned best friend after she cast an evil spell to make him think that she was actually his boring girlfriend and then she got knocked up and had his baby and then he skipped town on her and their child, because I guess he turned out to be an asshole in the end. Although, before he did that, he did render said best friend/mother of his child infertile because he rammed a metal rod through her uterus. In his defense, she was a rabid dog at that time. Okay, I guess he wasn't all that boring. Wisteria Lane has a long way to go to impress Miguel, I suspect. Anyhoo, all of Poor Dead Mary Alice's friends found a letter addressed to her, hidden amongst her things, which read: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell." Mystery! Scandal! Pearl necklaces! (Not like that. Don't be dirty.)
We open, as per usual, I suspect, with Mary Alice's Voice Over. (MAVO, if you will.) "An odd thing happens when we die," she says. "Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell, and sound become a distant memory. But our sight? Ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living…if they only take the time to look. Like my friend Gabrielle."
Let's check on Gabrielle, shall we? She's submerged in water, her eyes squeezed shut. Somehow I doubt she's dead. Two deaths in two episodes is too much excitement for ABC. "I should have seen how unhappy she was, but I didn't," MAVO explains. Well, Mare -- can I call you Mare? -- you were pretty busy being blackmailed for Whatever It Is That You Did, Which We Totally Won't Find Out Until Like February Sweeps At the Earliest.
Cut to a flashback of Gabrielle and her husband, Carlos, frolicking in their living room. "I only saw her clothes from Paris," MAVO says. "And her platinum jewelry." Over this, Carlos drapes Gabrielle in jewels. "And her brand-new diamond watch." On this last example, Carlos walks away from poor Gabrielle, talking on his cell phone. Gabrielle looks sadly at her watch. Oh, poor Gabrielle. You should probably start sleeping with the gardener. "Had I looked closer, I would have seen Gabrielle was a drowning woman, desperately in search of a life raft. Luckily for her, she found one." Man, Mary Alice sure is yappy. You'd think the dead would be quieter. At this, Gabrielle gasps, sits up in her bathtub, and starts making out with Hot Gardener Miguel from Passions. MAVO explains that Gabrielle saw her relationship with Miguel as a way to "infuse her life with a little excitement." Works for me.
Outside Gabrielle's bathroom window, her husband Carlos pulls up in his silver Jag. "But now she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get," MAVO obviouses. Can I just watch this, Mary Alice? Thanks. Anyway, Miguel and Gabrielle are totally giggling and making out in their towels as, downstairs, Carlos gets out of his car and slams the door shut. Gabrielle gasps and looks out the window, and spies Carlos coming up the walk and checking the mail. "Damn it!" she swears, and grabs Miguel and drags him downstairs. "Come on, come on, come on, hurry," she says, pulling him through the living room. Miguel frantically begins gathering his clothing, which is strewn all over the living room carpet. "Where are the rest of my clothes?" he asks. Gabrielle assures him that she'll find them and tells him to just get out. "Where?" he asks. She looks around frantically. "Out the window," she says. "What?" Miguel gasps. Outside, Carlos is strolling up the walkway slower than any man ever strolled before. Gabrielle shoves her hot, towel-clad lover boy out the window. Miguel falls with a yelp, as his towel catches in a thorn and he makes most of his journey from the window to the ground totally bare-ass naked.
And just in time, because Carlos walks in the living room exactly as Miguel's bare feet clear the windowsill. "Hi honey, you're home early," Gabrielle gasps. Carlos explains that his meeting was cancelled. As he yaps, she glimpses Miguel's jeans lying on the sofa. "I thought you showered this morning," he adds. She explains, distractedly, that she just finished a workout. She oh-so-casually covers the jeans with a throw pillow. "Where's [Miguel]?" Carlos wonders. Gabrielle plays dumb until Carlos points out that Miguel's truck is parked outside. MAVO tells us that Gabrielle was panicking. If Carlos were to find out that Gabrielle was fucking their hot underage gardener, she was screwed. Or, you know, something like that. At this moment, Miguel pops up in the window wearing a plaid shirt and holding some garden shears. He cheerfully greets Carlos, who smiles back at him and inquires after the fichus. Miguel's teeth gleam as he promises to get right to it. "She was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see…" MAVO begins. Cut to Miguel outside, clipping the rose bushes without any pants on, cute bare butt cheeks hanging out. "Couldn't hurt her," MAVO finishes, in an irritating chuckle that I suspect will make me want to kill her before the season is halfway over. Except for how she's already dead.
Credits. They sure are purty. But I've been on this job for four years. After a certain point, you realize that you don't absolutely need to recap the credits.
Wisteria Lane. Night. The ladies are gathered in someone's kitchen. I think it's Susan's, but it's hard to say. MAVO reminds us that the peaceful blah blah of Wisteria Lane had blah blah blah because she killed herself. And also, you know, don't forget about The Note. The Note is very important. Note The Note. Everyone stares at The Note, which MAVO notes "suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act." I'd suggest that we drink every time the word "desperate" is used, except I don't want to get alcohol poisoning. Again. KimberBree -- and yes, I know her name is Bree, but you saw Melrose Place, didn't you? To me, she is now and will always be Dr. Kimberly Shaw, ripper-off of wigs, blackmailer, baby-stealer, husband stealer, have-er of multiple identities, apartment blower-upper, kidnapper, career-ruiner, and my idol. Well, except maybe for Ms. Heather Locklear. Anyway, there's much pacing around the kitchen and looking at The Note. Susan thinks they ought to give it to Paul, Mr. Mary Alice. Gabrielle shakes her head. "He would freak out," she says. Susan points out that Paul "deserves to know." KimberBree wonders if they could tell him gently, "over coffee and pastries." Lynette, naturally, mocks this suggestion. Lynette, listen. You should probably be careful around KimberBree. For one thing, she's got a lot of dirt on your husband. Like how he's gay. Also, you shouldn't be wearing a choker. It makes your neck look short. And also, it's not 1996. Gabrielle wonders if they should alert the authorities. Lynette shrugs that maybe it's just "some sort of sick joke." KimberBree sniffs that if it was a joke, it was "in very poor taste." Susan shakes her head. She's sure the note is for real. And they better find out what's going on. Lynette points out that they might not be happy with what they learn. "Isn't it worse to be in the dark?" Susan wonders. I have to say, Teri Hatcher is very sympathetic in this role. I expected to hate her, but she's rather charming. "It's the age-old question, isn't it?" KimberBree says. "How much do we really want to know about our neighbors? For example, did I ever mention that time Lynette's husband ripped off my wig in the hallway of Wilshire General Hospital, and I made it my life's goal to destroy him? I'm almost done with that. I mean -- never mind." Everyone looks thoughtful.
Over to the Mary Alice homestead, where the pool has been totally dug up. MAVO: Her friends were right to be concerned. Well, no kidding, MAVO. You blew your brains out. There was probably something wrong. "They knew that every family has its secrets, and as my son and husband could have told them, you need to think carefully before digging them up." Do you get it? Because the pool? All dug up? Digging? Do you see? Okay. Speaking of digging, Paul, Mr. Mary Alice, drags what looks like a child's toy chest into his shed (and I believe those who watch [or appeared on] Passions, including Miguel, will never forget the shed) and looks shiftily at it.
The girls leave whomever's house (KimberBree's? I can't tell these things yet. Susan's? Your mom's? I don't know), as MAVO explains that they still hadn't decided what to do with The Note. Yes, I was sitting right here for that scene. Thanks, though. "They decided to talk about it in the morning after a good night's rest. But no one could fall asleep that night."
Cut to a montage of the ladies lying awake in their respective beds and clad in their respective jammies. MAVO: "They each kept thinking of my suicide and how terribly alone I must have felt." And yet each of them is also alone in bed, you see? Oh, the irony. We all must clearly live while we are alive! Live, damn it! Live!
KimberBree lies in her bed in white cotton nightgown and makes thoughtful faces. MAVO: "You see, loneliness was something my friends understood all too well." Yes. We got that when we saw them all in their beds alone. Does Mary Alice think she's narrating a show for the blind? Anyway, KimberBree goes downstairs to talk to Rex, Mr. KimberBree, who is pretending to sleep on the sofa bed. She smiles pertly at him and takes a seat. "I have a question for you. Do you remember when you proposed?" she asks. "For God's sake," Rex exhales, and sits up. "We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine, and when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, 'If you marry me, [KimberBree] Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life.' And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes," KimberBree says. Rex sighs that that was a long time ago. You know, before she tried to kill him with salad. KimberBree informs him that they're canceling the divorce lawyer and getting a marriage counselor instead. "[KimberBree]!" Rex yelps. "You promised," she says, looking at him almost vulnerably. And he nods. "All right," he says. That settled, KimberBree gets up to make herself some warm milk. "Would you like something to drink?" she asks. "Anything but apple wine," he says under his breath, and gets up to follow her. Far be it from me to espouse the You Need To Get Laid School of Thought, but I think Rex would be more amenable to your concerns, KimberBree, if you offered him a blow job instead of a glass of milk. Kimberly Shaw would have known that. And, memo to Rex: if you're so unhappy, maybe you should move out. Just a thought.
Speaking of drinks, Susan is sleepily getting her own glass of water at her house. She takes a sip and looks out the window to see Mysterious Mike walking his dog. MAVO makes a rather weak joke about Mysterious Mike being a "tall drink of water" that I won't dignify with an actual recapping -- you'd think the dead would be more clever, but MAVO is a bit hokey -- as Susan sighs. "Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive!" Julie chirps sarcastically behind her mother. Heh. I laughed all three times I saw that moment. Susan weakly tells her daughter to shut up. Julie wisely points out that if Susan wants anything to happen with Mike, she's going to have to ask him out. "I keep waiting for HIM to ask ME out," Susan explains. "How's that going?" Julie cracks. Generally I hate wisenheimer teen characters, but I kinda love her. I think it helps that she doesn't look like a teen model. I mean, she's cute, but she definitely looks her age. "Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?" Susan changes the subject. Julie explains she can't find the measuring cup. Susan plays dumb, but thinks back and remembers how she accidentally set Edie's house on fire when she scampered over there to borrow a cup of sugar. If by "to borrow a cup of sugar," you mean "to try to prevent Edie from sleeping with Mike."
Casa Solis. Gabrielle pretends to sleep as Carlos walks in the bedroom. "I know you're awake," he says. "I know you're a jerk," she retorts. Carlos claims that his business dinner ran long. Gabrielle sits up and informs him that she didn't marry him to have dinner alone six times a week. "Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house." Carlos kind of grins and tells her not to be that way. "I got you a gift," he says. If he's so busy with work, how does he have time to shop? ["His assistant shops, probably." -- Sars] Gabrielle turns her back on him and tells him that he's not going to buy her again. He hands her a long red box. "It's a good gift," he cajoles. Gabrielle opens it. "Is that white gold?" she asks. "Yeah. Put it on. And then make love to me," he directs, kissing her on her shoulder. As a sidebar: Her lavender nightie is fab! Gabrielle sniffs that she's totally not in the mood for nookie. Also, she just got laid. "But we could stay up and talk," she suggests. Carlos chuckles that he didn't want conversation in return for his gift. Gabrielle sighs and flings the box at him. "Hey, that was a joke!" he protests. "Yeah, right," she pouts. Carlos furrows his brow and wonders what the hell is wrong with her. "You've been acting like a nightmare for a month," he says. "What's wrong? I can't fix it unless you tell me." Gabrielle appears to see his point. As do I, I must say. Communication is key, kids. "It's not exciting anymore, Carlos," she says. She wishes their relationship would be the way it used to be. "Surprise me," she asks. "Take my breath away." Carlos looks at her for a long time. "Okay," he says. Aw. I kind of feel for Carlos. He was sort of a jackhole last week, but if she's unhappy, she needs to tell him that.
Morning. Susan, schlubby in her bathrobe, stumbles out the front door with her trash. She yawns and dumps it into the can. "Hey Susan," Mike calls over the fence. Susan freezes. "Mike!" she says, into the trash can. "What's wrong?" he asks. "I look like shit," she thinks, but just tells him that she didn't realize anyone was outside, and that she just rolled out of bed. "I'm sure you look fine," he says. "Oooooh," Susan moans in a way that clearly expresses, "You haven't seen my face yet." She finally turns, though, and faces him and his dog, Bongo, who promptly barks and growls and goes apeshit. Mike hushes the dog and apologizes, and tells her he'll see her later. "Do you want to have dinner with me?" she bursts out, like she just can't hold it in any longer. "Just the two of us?" he asks. "And…Julie! It's a thing we do when…someone moves into the neighborhood," Susan improvises. "We invite them over for a home-cooked meal. Sort of a tradition." Mike furrows his brow and says that she told him she was a lousy cook. Susan clarifies that she orders take-out. For the meal. And then serves it. In her home. So it's sort of home-served rather than cooked. Mike teases her for claiming to have people over for home cooking when she's ordering in, but agrees to the meal. "How about I cook? And you guys come over to my place?" he offers. Susan is thrilled. She giggles and agrees and turns to go inside. "Bye, Bongo," she tells the dog. Bongo barks aggressively.
Susan goes running inside the house calling for her daughter. "Julie! Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night," she squeals. Julie is pleased about this…at least until she's told she has to come down with something serious and contagious, but not life-threatening, and that she can't actually come to the dinner.
MAVO informs us that Julie was thrilled her mother was rekindling her love life, but was unaware of her mother's recent history with fire. Cut to Edie's burned-out mess of a house, where Susan's rival and Wisteria Lane's Local Nosy Neighbor -- who, I'm sorry, is always going to be Mrs. Kravitz to me, no matter what her character is actually named -- are going through Edie's burned out mess of a life. Edie complains that, you know, she's lost everything blah blah blah. Mrs. Kravitz announces that she's already started a clothing drive for Edie. "I don't want to wear other people's old crap," Edie spits. "Edie, you can be homeless or you can be ungracious. You really can't afford to be both," Mrs. Kravitz tells her. Heh. Edie just sighs and wonders where her insurance check is. "Can I stay with you for a few more weeks?" she asks, and Mrs. Kravitz says that of course she can. "What kind of Christian would I be to refuse shelter to a friend in need? Oh, look, here's something we can salvage! Your measuring cup," she says, picking Susan's Pyrex measuring cup out of the wreckage. Edie sniffs that it's not her cup. "Mine was plastic," she explains. The Tinkly Mystery Music cranks up in the background. "Well, how did it get in here?" Mrs. Kravitz wonders. "I don't know. Who cares?" Edie whines. "Would you put that down and start looking for jewelry?" Edie snaps. But Mrs. Kravitz just looks all the more thoughtful.
We move across town as MAVO explains that we're now at the office of Dr. Albert Goldfine, the most accomplished marriage counselor in town. "He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse," she says, over footage of a young couple crying and blowing their noses, "infidelity," over footage of a Eugene Levy-esque fellow blowing his nose to a whore-y looking woman, "to domestic violence," over footage of a woman beating her husband with the Kleenex box. Apparently, Dr. Goldfine thinks he's seen it all. Until, of course, he meets KimberBree and Rex. KimberBree, by the way, has come to therapy bearing "homemade potpourri." Dr. Goldfine looks somewhat taken aback by this gesture, as KimberBree sails past him into his office. Rex sighs. "The answer is yes. You're going to be making a fortune off of us," he says.
Over to Lynette, who is driving her passel of brats somewhere. They are screaming and squealing and basically acting like little assholes. She pleads with them to behave. They do not. The end. Oh, one more thing: Lynette has the baby in her car seat in the front passenger seat, when everyone nowadays knows it belongs in the back middle seat. Putting it there would also make it impossible for the three hellions to sit to each other. Lynette, I have just solved all your problems. She's mid-plea to the hellbeasts when she gets pulled over by the cops. The police officer gives her the business for not having the kids in their seatbelts. And rightly so. When I was a kid, the car didn't move until everyone's belts were on. ["The ignition key didn't even get turned in my family." -- Sars] Lynette tells the police officer that she has a really frustrating time with her kids. "Well, you have to find a way to control them. After all, that's your job," he says patronizingly, and takes off to run her license. Lynette, of course, stews over this for a moment and then launches out of the van and after him. "You saying I'm a bad mother?" she demands. The cop tells her to get back in the car. "I have no help," Lynette pleads. "My husband's always away on business. My babysitter joined the witness relocation program. I haven't slept through the night in six years." She gets closer and closer to him. He puts his hand on his gun. "Ma'am," he says warningly. "And for you to stand there and judge me!" she spits. Behind her, the kids make terrible, terrible faces at him. And he tells her that he's just going to let her off with a warning. "I accept your apology," Lynette finally sniffs, and gets back into the car with her three terrible screaming brats. "Buckle up!" the office yells after her. Frankly, I think she should have offered to give up custody then and there.
Another part of town. Adorably gussied up in an adorable leopard print scarf and adorable matching shoes, Gabrielle sneaks out of her car and over to an adorable small house. Miguel answers the door. She smiles.
Miguel leads his boss/lover into his adolescent bedroom, apologizing for the mess. "You just missed my mom," he says. "Friday, she coaches my little sister's soccer team." Gabrielle clears a spot on the bed and takes a seat. "Yes, I heard that," she says, and tells him they need to talk. She's worried about Carlos. Miguel asks if he's on to them. "Doesn't have a clue, God love him," Gabrielle says, and then adds that when he comes over to garden, he should probably actually just garden. "Great. You're breaking up with me. In my own bedroom!" Miguel brats. Gabrielle assures him that she is not. "Lately, you're the only thing keeping me going," she says. But, she adds, they can't get it on in the house anymore. So they do it on the bed.
And over to marriage counseling, where KimberBree is yapping on and on about her children and blah blah superficial blah blah blah blah. to her, Rex looks exhausted. When she stops to take a breath, Dr. Goldfine tells her that she's spent most of the hour chit-chatting. "Rex has been very vocal about his issues. Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?" he asks. KimberBree looks like she'd rather drink paint than talk about her feelings. She hems and haws, and Rex pipes up that it's hard to know if KimberBree even has any feelings. And all of yours are snide. I know she tried to kill you. But you are kinda crabby. "She's always pleasant. And I can't tell you how annoying that is," he says. Well, Rex, it appears that you are always cranky, so you seem like a good match. Dr. Goldfine nods, and begins to speak. As he talks, KimberBree is mesmerized by a loose button hanging from his jacket. She surreptitiously reaches into her purse for her sewing kit. Dr. Goldfine turns to her and asks if she uses "housework as a way to disengage emotionally?" She smiles cheerfully. "Of course not," she chirps, dropping the sewing kit back into her bag.
Miguel's House of Teenage Sex. If only Gabrielle were his English teacher instead of his boss! Oh, the Pacey Witter jokes I could make. I've got so many of them! A lot of them involve my urging both young men to remove their pants in my apartment. "This is great. I've got tons of homework tonight. It's so much easier to concentrate after sex," Miguel says contently. Maybe for you, Sparky. Personally, I want to sleep. Or have some pancakes. Maybe both. "I'm glad I could help. Education is very important," Gabrielle says, putting on her earrings. Miguel has something for her: a rose. A single, perfect rose. "Just like you," Miguel sighs. Oh, Miguel. Didn't you learn anything from your stint in Harmony? Don't go getting all moony on your girlfriend, because the thing you know, the witch door is casting a spell so that you get attacked by bats so badly that you're unable to see her as she walks to the bus station and out of your life. MAVO obviouses that Miguel was totally in love with Gabrielle. She doesn't mention that he has incredibly white teeth, but Gabrielle has to have noticed that as well. "I gotta go," Gabrielle says, and books.
Elsewhere, Mike is unloading his car. Susan runs up and grabs some groceries with him. They're chit-chatting about the steak they're having for dinner when Edie pulls up in her convertible and honks cheerfully. "Hi Mike," she yells. Susan's face falls. Oh, Susan. Just murder her. It worked for m-- er, never mind. Mike gives her his sympathies as far as the whole House Burned To The Ground thing, but Edie brushes off his concerns. "Having a party?" she asks. "Susan is having one of her traditional welcome to the neighbor dinners, only I'm cooking," Mike explains. You know, it's just hit me that Mike totally knows they both like him, and he's enjoying that. And that makes him a little bit of an asshole. I think I might be hating him a little bit. It helps that I don't think he's all that cute, of course. Anyway, do I need to tell you where this is going? You know, with Susan having made up the "traditional welcome to the neighborhood" thing, and Edie being relatively new to the neighborhood and blah blah blah. Yes, Edie is coming to dinner. And then Mike wonders if he should have told her that they're having steak and Susan mutters that Edie is definitely a carnivore, and I would have said something more like "everyone knows Edie enjoys a nice piece of meat," but I'm dirtier than Susan is.
Meanwhile, Lynette is giving Mrs. Kravitz some clothes for Edie, warning her that most of the clothes aren't all that stylish. "Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser," Mrs. Kravitz says. She then pulls out a particularly ugly striped thing. "Of course, we don't have to add salt to the wound," she says, and hands it back. Lynette makes some noise about being in the middle of dinner and Mrs. Kravitz wonders if she did, in fact, get pulled over by the fuzz. Lynette's face falls and explains that she just can't get the boys to settle down. "Young boys can be so willful," Mrs. Kravitz coos. Bolstered by the sympathy, Lynette sighs that she's tried everything. Mrs. Kravitz thoughtfully tells Lynette that once, when she misbehaved in the car, her mother dropped her off by the side of the road and drove off. "Oh, she came back immediately. But I never misbehaved in the car again. You should try that!" she chirps. Lynette makes some noises about how she couldn't leave the boys by the side of the road, but I think she's actually just worried she won't have the strength to turn back and get them. Mrs. Kravitz nods, but says that when it comes to discipline, you must be creative. "My mother knew that. Smart lady. Of course, she's in a home now. Mind's turned to mush," she adds. At this, Lynette smiles, and excuses herself. As do we all.
Mrs. Kravitz scampers off, but runs into Susan and asks if she has any clothes for Edie. "She has nothing to wear," she adds. "I thought that was the look she was going for," Susan offers. Mrs. Kravitz chuckles. "Oh, Susan, Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being," she says, heading on her merry way.
Susan, meanwhile, notices action over at the Mary Alice Maison. She looks down at The Note -- which is in her pocket, for some weird reason -- and heads over to do some snooping. She finds Paul in the garage, wrapping the toy chest in plastic wrap and tape like Laura Palmer. She tells him that she's just checking in on them, and Paul gruffly snaps that he's having a tough time with the whole thing. He starts loading the toy chest into the back of his SUV. "It must be tough. Not knowing why she did it," Susan comments, and then tries to help him load the chest in the van. He assures her he's got it, and then slams the trunk. "Can I be frank? I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son and I'll never forgive her," Paul says, and gets in the car and slams the door and drives off. Susan gulps.
MAVO: "As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She wanted so much to know why I did it." Susan tucks away the note. "Why I killed myself," MAVO clarifies. Thanks for that, Mary Alice. I thought you meant that Susan really, really, really wants to know why you bought your nightgowns from Land's End instead of Lanz.
And suddenly, it's night. Paul takes the chest out of the back of the car and flings it into…let's say it's a lake. A body of water, anyway. "It's not enough to want the truth. You must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive. Because it knows where to hide," MAVO finished. Dude, that doesn't even make sense.
Susan's. Julie answers the door to find Mrs. Kravitz, still on her clothing drive. Julie offers to look upstairs for some cast-offs. While she does, Mrs. Kravitz, of course, noses around in the groceries on the table. She first spritzes herself with some perfume from one of the bags -- and who buys perfume at the supermarket? -- and then spies a brand new Pyrex measuring cup in another bag. She examines it suspiciously. Julie scampers down the stairs and finds her holding it. Mrs. Kravitz sputters that she was just admiring the Pyrex measuring cup that nine out of ten cooks in America own. "Yeah, we lost ours," Julie explains. "Really?" Mrs. Kravitz asks. Julie makes a face like she thinks Mrs. Kravitz is a nutjob, and explains that she couldn't find any clothes. "But I can keep looking," she offers. "That won't be necessary," Mrs. Kravitz says. "You've done more than enough. Truly."
KimberBree waits in Dr. Goldfine's office, where the good doctor informs her that Rex can't meet them. "Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital." Sure. Like KimberBree hasn't heard that before. Like, say, back when she was married to brilliant doctor/evil mastermind Michael Mancini. KimberBree gets up to leave, but Dr. Goldfine wonders if she might like to do the session alone. KimberBree eyes his still-loose suit button. Her peach suit is really fantastic, by the way. She starts to refuse, but can't leave the button like that. "Dr. Goldfine, there is something you can do for me," she tells him. And then orders him to take off his coat.
Over to Gabrielle's, where Susan is explaining the entire Date With Mike Turns Into Cast of Thousands debacle. Gabrielle makes sensitive noises and advises her to get to Mike's early to spend some time with the man before "the barracuda gets there." Susan thinks this is a great idea. "Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will get there at 5:30, so I should arrive at 5!" she says. And speaking of breasts, the soundstage must be cold, because I have learned a lot about Teri Hatcher's nipples this hour. Apparently, they are still both real and spectacular. Gabrielle smiles kindly and rises to take her thousands of shopping bags upstairs. "I'm going to keep my one little bag and go home," Susan says, but is distracted by Miguel's One Perfect Rose on her way out the door. "This is beautiful," she says, and asks Gabrielle where she got it. "Oh, [Miguel] gave it to me," Gabrielle says, and her face then immediately assumes the "oh shit, I totally shouldn't have said that" position. Susan is all, "Wha?" And Gabrielle sputters that it's a color palate for some new bushes she's having put in. "Oh. Okay. Sure is beautiful, isn't it?" Susan responds in a way that basically says, "I know that's bullshit, but I'm not going to call you on it." Nice acting in that scene from both of them.
Meanwhile, KimberBree is fixing Dr. Goldfine's button and telling him exactly what she thinks of Sigmund Freud. In a nutshell: not much. She calls Freud a "miserable human being," and notes that his mother probably did a ton of work to keep him happy and clothed and fed and he repaid her by "peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful that their mother has done." She sighs. "She must have felt so betrayed." Dr. Goldfine listens carefully as KimberBree sighs that she's sure Freud never even thanked his mother for all the hard work she did for him. She sniffs, smoothes her hair, and gives the coat back with a pert, "There you go!" Dr. Goldfine smiles at her thoughtfully. "Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited," he says. She smiles at him, rather genuinely. "Good!" she chirps.
Lynette. Driving. Screaming. Idle threats. MAVO: "Blah blah blah stuff we can already tell from the scene. Blah blah, this bit of narration is totally unnecessary as far as driving the story goes." Eventually, naturally, Lynette pulls the car over and orders the boys out. "You can't behave, you cannot ride," she says, and then she drives away. The boys watch as she pulls around the corner and gives the baby a triumphant look. "Mommy's a genius," she says, and then quickly pulls the car back around to find the boys…gone. Of course. Naturally, she freaks. She parks the car and -- leaving the baby alone in there -- starts racing around the neighborhood looking for the rest of her children.
After the ads, Lynette is leaning over a front porch, calling for "Porter, Preston and Parker." A woman emerges from the house, and Lynette wonders if she's seen the hellspawn. "Yeah. I also saw you drive away and leave them," Woman says. She adds that she's pretty sure Lynette has anger management issues. "I have four children under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues," Lynette retorts. Woman thinks that Lynette "should talk to someone," because her behavior is not particularly normal. And she doesn't think the boys should leave with Lynette until Lynette chills. At this, Lynette screams for the kids, who promptly come running out of the house with cookies. The Woman doesn't think the kids are going to be going anywhere. She roughly grabs Lynette's upper arm. "Let go of me," Lynette gasps. "LEAVE MY MOMMY ALONE," one of the devil children screams, and they're all over the Woman. One of them bites her thigh. Another pushes her into the lawn. "Run, boys! Run!" Lynette yells, and everyone dashes for the car. The Woman comes after them, of course, and as Lynette turns to tell the boys to buckle up, she sees that they already have. She makes a triumphant "huh" look, and drives off as the Woman screams after her about calling Social Services.
Solis house. Gabrielle moons over her rose. Someone honks outside, and she runs out to see Carlos, with a fancy new car, all for her. As she squeals, he runs through the car's specs, noting that it has GPS. I presume that will come into play later, so take note. Carlos looks quite pleased with himself, and Gabrielle seems pleasantly surprised by her new toy. "So, did I take your breath away?" he asks. Gabrielle says that he did. "Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?" he asks. Gabrielle turns away and is clearly thinking of her Single Perfect Rose. MAVO announces that the car meant a lot to Carlos, so Gabrielle lied to him. Which is something I could tell from looking at Eva Longoria's face. So. Yeah. Narration overkill. Er, so to speak. Gabrielle leaps into Carlos's waiting arms as Miguel watches sadly from across the street, mournfully stroking his rake.
Elsewhere on Wisteria Lane, Susan arrives at Mike's house, all hair and boobies. She has yet another run in with Bongo the High-Strung (Police?) Dog, but is eventually rescued by Mike. Susan giggles that she thought she'd come over and help Mike set up…and that's when Edie, clad in a halter top and short shorts, appears over his shoulders. "I don't know why he barks at you," Mike tells Susan, of Bongo. "I wouldn't take it personally. Dogs are very sensitive," Edie says, and then lies down and makes nice with Bongo, who licks her all over. It is true that if you like a man with a dog, it's very important that the dog likes you. Because you will never beat out the dog. Mike smiles as Edie and his animal make out.
Marriage Counseling of the Damned. Rex is yelping that all the problems in his marriage are KimberBree's fault. Wait until she has you committed to a mental institution, buddy. Or runs you over with her car and frames your second wife for framing your first wife, who is also your second wife's sister. KimberBree denies all of this, but Rex wonders what he's done that's been so awful. He says he's been a great husband and it kills her to admit that! Kills her! Dr. Goldfine fingers his button, and wonders if Rex even "acknowledges the benefits of living with [KimberBree]." KimberBree looks slightly triumphant. Oh, I know that look. That's the "watch out, because I just came up with a plan to get you to sign over your portion of Jane Mancini Designs" look. Dr. Goldfine presses the point, saying that Rex has a fairly well-run life. "Do you ever remember to say thank you?" he asks. "'Thank you'?" Rex parrots. KimberBree smiles.
Mike's. Bongo is eating out of Edie's hands as Susan gives Mike the scoop on the rest of his neighbors. Edie manages, somehow, to bring the conversation around to Susan's divorce, and then announces that, in her heart of hearts, she truly believes that Susan and Karl are totally going to get back together. Edie then winks at Julie, who shoots a hilarious "I can't BELIEVE this woman" look toward her mother. Edie tells Mike that she'd never seen two people more in love. "She'll never find that kind of chemistry with another man. NEVER," Edie shouts. MAVO: Obvious restating of what we've just seen in scene. Julie pipes up that she always liked "Mr. Rothwell. Your fourth husband." Edie chuckles that Mr. Rothwell was her second husband. "I've only been married twice," she says nervously. Julie pastes on an innocent face. "You weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs?" she asks. At this, Susan jumps in. "She wasn't married to Javier. That was just one of her special friends. Ha ha! I think we should change the subject. Unless you want to keep talking about it," she says. Mike jut looks amused. Bongo then jumps on the table and Edie distracts everyone from the tall tales of her many lovers by announcing that she taught the dog a trick, which she then demonstrates. It involves Bongo walking on his hind feet. Eh, get back to me when you teach him to talk. MAVO: "Susan was furious that Edie was using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant maneuver." You know who else she was furious with? Yes, herself. MA is not a particularly insightful dead person, I have to say. At this, Susan gets up and begins to clear the table, saying she's getting the dessert. In the kitchen, she spies the gravy, makes a thoughtful face, and puts it on her hand and behind her ears, like a particularly meaty perfume.
She then serves the dessert and look at that! Bongo is all over her. He licks her ear enthusiastically. "We just got off on the wrong foot. We're best buddies now," Susan chirps to Mike, as Bongo begins to choke on her earring. Whoops.
Mike carries the dog out to the car, hollering at the girls to call the vet. Edie yells that she'll stay behind and clean up. Susan wonders if there's anything she can do. Mike forgoes the standard "haven't you done enough already?" for a curt "no." He then peels out. Everyone looks concerned, either for the dog's health or for Susan's sexual future.
We come back from the ads to met Susan at the vet, where she approaches a worried-looking Mike. He tells her that he's waiting to see if they're going to have to operate on Bongo, and she apologizes for the earring debacle. He returns the apology, telling her he's sorry for snapping. On cue, the vet comes out and tells them that Bongo is fine. "You should be able to take him home in about an hour," he says. Mike takes a relieved seat, and Susan sinks down to him. Mike tells her that Bongo belonged to his Poor Dead Wife. He promised her -- on her deathbed, no less -- that he'd watch over the dog. MAVO obviouses yet again that it was at this moment that Susan realized Mike was still, like Beyonce, crazy in love with his wife, and that she and Edie were going to have to give him some time before making the move. "So she decided, for now, that she could settle for just being his friend." How nice of her.
Meanwhile, Edie cleans Mike's kitchen. Which, we then learn, is full of firearms! And money! And a map of the neighborhood! All highlighted and everything! He's a very thorough plumber, apparently. MAVO's final thought: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it." Or, you know, something like that.
Meanwhile, over at the Mysterious Lake of Drowned Mysterious Stuff, the Mysterious Toy Chest of Mystery pops up to the surface. Whatever will happen ?