By M. Giant
Okay, who are all these people again?
We open on Katherine, staring out her window and flashing back on her first marriage to the man who was apparently Dylan's father, a wife-beating asshole named Wayne Davis whom she apparently hit back at one point. Like, with some club-like item that knocked him straight to the floor. But before we can get much more detail than that, there's a knock on the door: Susan, Bree, Gabby, and Lynette have arrived with muffins and jam, claiming to be there to offer to help out. Katherine realizes everyone knows Adam left, and she's not in the mood to satisfy their morbid curiosity, so she shows them the door. On her way out, Bree says she's surprised to hear that Adam was the one who left. Katherine teases her with a "to tell you the truth...I don't want to talk about it." Gracious in defeat, Bree advises her to let her feelings out, and Katherine agrees to do that. So she walks out into the woods, sits on a rock, and starts crying over a makeshift grave marked with round stones in the shape of a cross. I should add that Mary Alice is blathering throughout, but as usual she isn't saying anything helpful.
After the credits, Mary Alice narrates Wisteria Lane's street-wide going-to-church ritual, which the Scavos apparently always sit out. But seeing everyone heading out of their houses in their Sunday best like it's even more 1958 on this street than usual, Lynette decides to suggest that the fam go to church. Tom's not up for it, since he grew up going to St. Anthony's every week and feels like he's done his time. But Lynette didn't, and says she has questions about God and Jesus. So one of the Ps puts an end to the discussion by volunteering what he knows about the latter: "He's the guy who helps out Santa Claus." Tom knows when he's beaten; looks like the Scavos are going to church. It was a little early for that Pacifico anyway, dude.
Orson and Bree are off to church, spouting exposition about Bree's chances of getting to chair the Ladies' Auxiliary committee over the other frontrunner for the position, a Peace Corps vet named Edna Fletcher. As Orson installs Benjamin's car seat, Lynette comes up all dolled up in a dress and wig to break the news that she'd like to go to church with them. Bree excitedly offer to let the Scavos follow them in their car, and Lynette heads off to collect the brood. "By the way, what am I now?" she wonders. "Presbyterian!" Bree answers happily. One of my very favorite denominations to say, right after "Episcopalian."
Gabby arrives at her Catholic church after the end of 9:00 mass, wanting to talk to the priest. He's been expecting her to come by to, you know, work through her grief at her husband's death (which we learn occurred just two weeks ago on the show, as though time has any meaning here), but Gabby just blithely blows right into her request to have the priest marry her to Carlos. "Does Tuesday work for you?" He recovers from his shock and disapproval just enough to get her to agree that if he marries her to Carlos, she has to stay married to him for the rest of her life. "But if I don't," she caveats, "I promise to change religions." The priest thanks her for that, but he stops short of asking of they can just skip ahead to that part.
Susan dumps a cookie tin of receipts out for her young, allegedly handsome cousin, who's helping her with her taxes. He's not impressed with her filing system, but he helps himself to the stale Christmas tree-shaped cookie that's managed to survive, so I don't know what he's bitching about. Especially since he recently lost his job anyway. He shares some backstory about this develop having something to do with having shtupped the boss's daughter, and Susan, creeped out, leaves him to it. Oh, cram it, Judgy. I didn't see a single W-2 in that mess, so, glass houses.
Lynette's at Bree's church with her family, in the pew in front of Bree and Orson. After the sermon but before the bit, Lynette raises her hand for a question, much to Bree's horror. The minister calls on her, and she asks, thanks for all that talk about God's love, but what about all the evil in the world? The minister falls back on the old "free will" question. Lynette concedes the point. It's like she never even went to college; this is freshman dorm philosophy 101. She follows up with a toughie: what about the tornado? You know, that natural disaster that left Wisteria Lane all but unrecognizable for hours. Rather than getting into it during the service, the minister invites her to come to Bible study that week, and Lynette accepts. Bree looks like she wants to sink into her pew.
Katherine and Dylan knock on Susan's door. Dylan's there to study with Julie, and Katherine's there to apologize to Susan for her earlier rudeness and present Susan with a nice little houseplant to kill. They both come in, and Cousin Tim recognizes Katherine as "Mrs. Davis" from when he was "Little Timmy," apparently staying in Fairview years ago during band camp. Tim is surprised at how grown-up Dylan is, and even more surprised that she's going to be eighteen week. Creepy silence. Catching the snap, Susan screams upstairs, "JULIE, DYLAN'S HERE! STUDY TIME!"
Edie visits a still-blinded Carlos in the hospital, and in light of having lost all the paperwork for his offshore accounts in a tornado, she's decided to help him out financially by returning the diamond bracelet he gave her. Except he ends up having to admit that although the box was from Cartier, the actual bracelet was from a swap meet. On her way out, Edie stops at the nurse's station to ask when Carlos is getting his sight back, ostensibly so she can flip him off but actually for story-related reasons over which she has no control. The nurse doesn't say much, beyond the fact that even Carlos's girlfriend doesn't know how bad it is. But since she's obviously got more info and nothing but PB&J for lunch, Edie decides to take her out to a bistro and pick her brain. I hope Edie's prepared to buy the nurse a lot more lunches after getting her fired for violating patient confidentiality.
Up in Julie's room, Dylan shows Julie the scraps of charred notepaper she was able to recover from the fireplace grate; there's not much readable other than the sentence "your father was murdered." You'd think Katherine would have been extra-careful about making sure that phrase went up in smoke. Dylan's sure the note is for real, and she isn't about to go to Katherine about it, so she's going to ask Adam what he knows. Julie asks Dylan a total bonehead question: why would Katherine lie about this? Even Dylan is able to come to the obvious conclusion: Katherine's the one what done the killin'. These two had better quit sleuthing and start studying, because clearly Julie needs it more than I thought.
Gabby visits Carlos in his hospital room with the priest in tow, so I guess it's Tuesday. "Is there something the doctors aren't telling me?" Carlos asks, alarmed. Gabby breaks the news about the surprise wedding they're having -- right now, without witnesses or a signed marriage license -- and gives the priest the green light to get started. He does, but Carlos calls a halt and asks for a moment of privacy with Gabby. She takes his hand, and he breaks the news that he might not get his sight back. She yanks her hand away in shock and sympathy, but to the stone-blind Carlos her expression probably looks like one of cold fury. It's probably the one he remembers most anyway. So he quickly amends, "for three, four months, tops." Gabby thinks that's a really long time, but she's down for "better or for worse." Looks like the wedding's on, despite being not even remotely legal or official in any sense.
And Susan spots cousin Tim chatting up Dylan outside her house while on the way to pick up milk. Suffice it to say that the conversation gets cut short, and Susan makes a dork of herself.
Bree comes to see Lynette, who's sitting on her porch and looking forward to Bible study with the Presbyterians. She's even got her own Bible now, and it's bristling with Post-it notes. And really, if Lynette can't see Post-it notes as proof of the existence of God, I don't know if Bible study's going to help her much. Bree sits down with her on the porch and tries to set Lynette straight: church is for questions, not answers. Lynette realizes that she embarrassed Bree, and asks for suggestions. So Bree recommends "that gospel church by the airport." Or maybe Unitarians. In any case, Lynette has already gone inside, leaving Bree feeling guilty on the porch. Not guilty enough to apologize, mind you; that Ladies Auxiliary gig is still in the balance, after all.
Adam lets himself into his hotel room and listens to an answering machine message from Dylan about the note she found. It must be a different day, because Dylan says she hung out at Adam's hotel all day, and I'm pretty sure Adam's hotel isn't Susan's house, where Tim ran into Dylan earlier. Adam looks alarmed by the message, but not at all surprised when the machine is shut off by...Katherine, who's been sitting there all along, waiting for him. Katherine is confident that Dylan doesn't know anything, but she wants Adam to meet with Dylan and find out what she does know. Adam suggests telling Dylan the truth, but Katherine isn't willing to take the risk. Before she leaves, she alludes to his having called her earlier. Why did he do that? Had he already heard Dylan's message? And if so, why did he look so surprised to hear it this time? This show makes no damn sense sometimes. She admits that she misses him and asks if they can get past this. Adam agrees to give her "one last alibi. After that, I'm done." No Adam for you!
Orson and Bree and Benjamin head out of Susan's house for the day, which means Cousin Tim has the place to himself. So he gets on Susan's phone and gets skeevy come-on vibes all over it as he invites someone to come over. We're supposed to think it's Dylan, which tells me that it is absolutely not Dylan.
Edie stops by Gabby's house to vengefully tell her about Carlos. Gabby claims to be pretty okay with helping out Carlos for the several months, so Edie pretends (poorly) to be sad to tell her the truth: Carlos's blindness is permanent. She gets in a pretty good jab about wives of blind guys being able to let themselves go, too. Gabby, worried, resolves to call Carlos's doctor. Well, if the doctor spills the truth to Gabby, at least a breach-of-confidentiality suit might take the edge off the Solis's poverty for a while. I'm just trying to look at the bright side here. Oops, I said "look."
Julie and Susan are visiting Mike in rehab, and having some decent banter. Susan wants Mike to talk to Tim about their taxes, so she calls Tim at the house and freaks out when she hears a giggling woman in the background. It's obvious that Tim is entertaining a lady friend, in the naked sense, but it's equally obvious that it's not Dylan, since we don't see her face. Tim hangs up on her, and Susan bails on the visit. Enjoy your rehab, Mike!
Carlos appears to be home from the hospital, and Gabby's cooking him some "beef stew," with secret ingredients like dog food and dishwater. Oh, and the most important secret ingredient of all, love. He woke up from his nap feeling horny, and, playing along, she tells him, "I'm right over here." He heads toward the sound of her voice, unaware that she has opened the oven door, causing him to bark his shin. she pushes a chair into his path, and then guides him into a wall. Oh, I'm already looking forward to the Mr. Magoo levels of humor this storyline will afford us. Carlos finally figures out that she's pissed off, and even if he hadn't, the way she starts pelting him with fruit while yelling at him for lying to her would have clued him in. He admits he shouldn't have lied, but says he just hoped that if he gave her a few months to get used to the idea of his blindness she might not leave him. "Do you really think I'm that shallow?" she asks, surprised. Well, duh. Does anyone not? Carlos flinches from what he thinks is another fruit coming his way, but says that since he's poor and blind, he's not exactly her type any more. Gabby's still pissed, but insists that she loves him and plans to spend the rest of her life with him. They make up, but Gabby's still going to let him dig into the stew. Glad she's realizing that the new dynamic can work, as long as she's willing to use his disability to exact petty revenges on him and take advantage of him in novel ways. Which, obviously she will be.
Susan rushes into her house, yelling at Tim, "Get off that poor girl right now!" Tim raises up, from the bed, revealing...Dylan! No, obviously not; it's only Katherine. Wait, Katherine? "I finished your taxes," he reports to Susan.
After the ads, Susan is so busy being shocked by this scene that she nearly misses Tim's reference to "old feelings" between him and Katherine. Yes, apparently Katherine was Cousin Tim's first. Scandalized, Susan storms out: "If anybody needs me, I'll be at the mall, buying sheets." Whoa, Susan, calm down; Tim hasn't told you how much your tax refund is yet.
Bree's minister greets her at the door of the following Sunday's service, and asks about Lynette. Apparently he thinks she's kind of awesome, and is grateful to Bree for bringing her along. "Church is for questions, not answers," he says, which is totally pat and thus a perfect line for this show. Seeing a possible suck-up opportunity going down the drain, Bree quickly regrets letting Lynette go to the Catholic Church across the street and dashes back there as soon as she and Orson are past the reverend. She perches in the pew behind the Scavos and tries in that desperately-cheery way she has to talk them into going back across the street to her church. Bree asks for a minute with Lynette, and outside, she comes clean with her about why she wants to Lynette to come back. Lynette's not interested; she's too hurt, not to mention let down by Bree's vaunted "faith" turning out to be a sham. She leaves Bree standing there, with a pissed-off friend and questions about her own faith and absolutely no shot at getting to chair the Ladies Auxiliary.
And that's why Bree then ends up over at Lynette's house at some unspecified later date, telling her she backed out of the running for the Ladies Auxiliary gig and apologizing for letting Lynette down. They quickly make up, Bree saying she wants Lynette to have faith in their friendship. Lynette says, "There are some things that are easy to believe in." Sucker. Bree says she can come back to her church any time, but Lynette says the Catholics are the only ones who don't judge her for having so many kids. My 47 siblings and I laugh knowingly.
Despite the earlier blow-up, Tim is still apparently staying with Susan, who comes up to him in the kitchen to talk to him about it, now that she's calmed down. Tim insists it only happened once back in the day, but he did try to go back once. Cue the flashback, with the ominous music telegraphing the fact that Tim's about to provide us with a valuable new clue regarding The Mystery Of Katherine. We see little Timmy bringing flowers to the Mayfair house on the last night of his visit, hearing yelling, and peeking in the living room window as younger Katherine brained her husband with a candlestick, just like in the flashback at the beginning of the episode. Tim didn't know who the guy was, although he suspected it was Katherine's ex-husband. Susan realizes that she hasn't seen said ex-husband for quite some time. Ooh, suspicious. I think you're onto something there, Susan, with the long absence of Katherine's ex. Oh, by the way, how's Karl?
Dylan sits to Adam on his hotel bed, apparently having not gotten much out of Adam other than his patently false theory Aunt Lily was losing it when she wrote that note. She desperately wants the truth from Adam. So Adam repeats the lie: Katherine didn't kill her father, and loves Dylan more than anything. Okay, so I'm actually not sure that's all a lie; just the second half. They hug. Aww.
Let's let Mary Alice close this one out with a soliloquy on faith (as though we have another option). She uses the concept to tie together Adam and Dylan (the latter choosing to believe what the former is telling her), Gabby and Carlos (as he lies in bed wondering if he can count on the promises made by the woman he lied to), Lynette and Bree (as they have their own little Bible-study session on the porch), and Susan -- who, dropping her trash into a tin garbage can by the curb, spots Katherine across the street doing the same. They share a friendly wave as Mary Alice concludes, "Where there is doubt, our faith begins to vanish, and fear rushes in to take its place." Well, some people might fear that the strike might have forced a rushed conclusion to this season, but I have faith that that will turn out to be a good thing.