The skies over an uncharacteristically deserted Wisteria Lane are uncharacteristically cloudy. And one of those clouds, as the camera tilts up into the sky, is distinctly funnel-shaped. It's kind of jarring to actually see sky on this show; I always assumed these people all lived on a soundstage. And Mary Alice is uncharacteristically to the point, saying that nobody anticipated the "unbelievable destruction" (which slightly better CGI would have rendered a lot more believable, I'm just saying), as we see a child's doll get blown across the street to fetch up against a curb. Especially, as MAVO continues while the stray doll serves as a bridge to dissolve in to a flashback of that morning, given the way the day started out.
Gabby is outside with the uncharacteristically windblown ladies, finally bringing them in the loop on what's been going on with her and Carlos lately. They aren't too impressed that she's back together with her ex so soon after getting married, but when they find out that Gabby and Carlos are skipping town rather than waiting around for Victor to have them killed, the judging gives way to tears. Gabby, I'm with your friends. Stick around. Get killed. Mrs. McC pulls up and yells out the window about a tornado hitting Mount Pleasant that morning, and they better get ready for one that might come to Fairview, like a tornado is a wandering gang or something. The ladies say a hasty goodbye, although Bree has to jinx the entire Western Hemisphere by saying that everything will be just like it was when Gabby returns someday. As they head back to their respective homes, Mary Alice goes nuts with the spoilers: "In four short hours, one of these women would lose a husband. All of them would lose a friend. But how could they have known this? It was supposed to be a beautiful day." Don't worry, the one who loses her husband doesn't like him very much. Not that that's much more of a spoiler.
We see people dashing around on Wisteria Lane at noon like there's a hurricane two hours from landfall instead of just a tornado watch. If the proximity to an ocean weren't a dead giveaway, the reaction to a tornado watch would clinch the fact that Fairview is not in Minnesota. We hear about a tornado watch and we're like, "Yawn. Get back to me when double-wides are flying overhead." ["Dude, seriously. I kept being like, 'It's a watch, morons. That doesn't even interrupt golf.' Miss you!" -- Miss Alli] While packing at home, Gabby is more worried about the news report that Victor's getting released from the hospital the day. I understand she's not on great terms with Victor right now, but it seems odd for his wife to be learning about his movements from the news. A just-arriving Carlos is less worried about that than about his accountant dropping by with the papers giving them access to his $10 million Cayman Islands account, and he cracks on Gabby for overpacking. "If you're taking me somewhere where I don't need a boa, then I don't want to go," Gabby protests, then gives in and reminds Carlos that she had to say goodbye to her friends, so she's in kind of an owly mood. Which reminds Carlos that he should go say something to Edie. "What, 'rot in Hell, you maggoty whore'?" Gabby suggests, and after some more ranting from Gabby, Carlos quickly realizes that he might not want to bring up Edie again.
Lynette stops by Mrs. McCluskey's to pretend to check on her but really just to ask if the Scavo clan can hide out in her basement if a tornado comes. After much resistance, Mrs. McC relents, and Lynette promises to keep the kids' noise and destruction to a minimum. "Relative to the storm," that is.
Katherine is taping her picture window like she's summoning the little-known X-Files character named "*." She's also talking on the phone to Dylan, who's on a class trip with Julie, which explains while the girls aren't in this episode. She quickly hangs up when she spots Sylvia (played by Melora Walters, not Melora Hardin as I incorrectly said last week, much as I'd love to see Jan Levinson as Bill's sister-in-law) hanging out across the street. Katherine stomps right out to confront Sylvia, who mentions that she saw Adam yesterday. Yesterday? Okay, I've been leaving the timeline inconsistencies alone (which is most of the reason this show got switched to weecaps from recaps), but that seems off. "I hope he's not starting to keep things from you...again," Sylvia says.
Bree drops of a bag of emergency supplies off at Susan's house, knowing that Susan can't take care of herself with Julie gone. Susan suggests that Bree tell Orson about Mike's drug history, but Bree already has, which clearly gets Susan wondering why Orson wrote Mike a prescription. Not that she says anything about it to Bree, who awkwardly takes her leave. And as Bree pushes Benjamin's $9,000 Restoration Hardware baby carriage back across the street, she sees Katherine, whom Sylvia has just provoked into spitting in Sylvia's face. Upset, Sylvia trots to her car and drives off. As Katherine storms back to her house, Bree worriedly asks Katherine if everything's okay. With a little dig at Bree's nosiness, Katherine insists that everything's fine and goes inside. Bree notices that Sylvia has pulled over just a short distance up the street, and is crying in her driver's seat. Having learned her lesson about staying out of people's business just now, Bree goes and invites Sylvia in for a cup of tea.
Over tea and cookies, Bree is trying to finesse Sylvia's story out of her. "Oh, [Katherine's] just mad 'cause her husband's in love with me," Sylvia states. What a waste of finesse. She says that she was one of Adam's patients in Chicago, and that there was undeniable passion between them the moment they met. Picking the crust off her cookie in an early sign of crazy, Sylvia asks if Bree believes they're happy. "They seem...content," Bree says. "Well, they're not," Sylvia snits, throwing her cookie on the floor in a more advanced sign of crazy. She calls Bree stupid, and claims to have licked the snake tattoo on Adam's shoulder. Bree's like, okay, we're done now, but Sylvia has taken offense that someone else doesn't believe her, and she runs and locks herself in the bathroom that Bree has set up as their storm shelter. And she won't come out until Bree asks Adam what's what.
Orson is in the middle of a procedure with a patient when Susan stomps in and demands, "Why the hell would you give Mike drugs?" It looks like she's not going to let Orson off the hook and is going to make him discuss this in front of his drooling patient, but Orson does manage to get her to leave, as she issues dark threats about what will happen if Orson ever prescribes so much as a breath mint. Uh, go, Susan, sort of.
A young neighborhood entrepreneur named Jeremy is going door-to-door, trying to charge twenty bucks for bottled water. Edie tries to send him over to hit up Gabby, and that's how Edie finds out that the Solises are leaving. "They probably didn't want a big emotional scene," Edie says. "Too bad."
Mike gets into his truck and finds his pill bottle worse than empty. Rolled up inside is a note reading, "See me. Susan."
So Mike sees Susan, and he's done being apologetic, or even nice. Which is kind of ballsy of him, considering. I mean, it probably would have helped his case if the time he saw Susan she asked if he got her note and he was like, "What note?" But he's already in the early stages of withdrawal, so he's not thinking that clearly. Don't worry, it's about to get worse. He insists that he's got things under control, but Susan doesn't think that'll be the case indefinitely, plus there's also the issue of his lying to her. Mike just wants his pills back. But she walks out of their bedroom with a stack of blankets in her arms. Angrily, he pursues her and grabs her by the arm when she's at the top of the stairs, Bad idea, because when Susan pulls away, she goes tumbling down and ends up unconscious at the bottom. Which is never good for pregnant women on TV, as we know. As if she isn't klutzy enough without his help.
Dude, that is a big, fat tornado looming over Mount Pleasant on the TV news report in the hospital. I assume it's a replay from earlier. It's quite busy at the hospital, so Mike and a now-conscious Susan are just going to have to wait around in the hallway, no matter how pregnant (or no longer so) she might be.
At the Mayfairs', Katherine is angrily confronting Adam for not telling her about Sylvia's visit when there's a knock on the door. Fortunately it's only Bree (and a lot more wind), and asking to "borrow Adam" for a moment. But it's both of them who come over, Adam heading to the bathroom while Katherine accuses Bree of nosiness again. Adam knocks on the bathroom door, but Sylvia refuses to come out upon hearing Katherine's voice. So Bree, holding the baby, drags Katherine into her kitchen so Adam can try and talk Sylvia out. After about five seconds of seething, Katherine asks Bree what Sylvia told her. Bree tells Katherine a short version of the truth about Sylvia's story, and Katherine describes Sylvia as a "pathetic, lonely woman" who once got a pity kiss from Adam, and had a breakdown when Adam told her that didn't mean they were in love. Katherine further explains that Sylvia accused Adam of sexual assault, and the Mayfairs settled out of court so Adam wouldn't lose his license. But they did lose everything else, and decided to move back to Fairview for a fresh start. "Now you know our dirty little secret," Katherine says. Well, the Chicago secret, but not the Fairview secret. That's still out there somewhere. But forgetting about that, Bree says she would have spit in Sylvia's face too. Katherine smiles, and does not spit in Bree's face.
Mrs. McCluskey and Ida are trying to play cards in Mrs. McC's basement when Ida hears a frightening noise and asks if it's the tornado. "Worse, it's the Scavos," says Mrs. McC, as the brood noisily floods in and Penny gets right to work banging on the water heater with a ladle. "Sorry, you kind of get used to it," Lynette apologizes as she belatedly scoops her little drummer girl up. Something is bugging Tom -- it's Ida's cat Toby, who's in a kennel, under a blanket, but still setting off Tom's asthma. Lynette asks Ida if the kitty can go upstairs, and gets kind of bitchy when both Ida and Mrs. McC. refuse. After all, as Mrs. McC says, she invited Ida there, but Lynette imposed her family on her. If she doesn't like it, they can go someplace else. Tom's willing to hang out in a far corner to keep the peace, but that's not good enough for Lynette, who hands Penny her ladle back.
Sitting on hard chairs at the hospital, Susan notices Mike's jimmy-leg and asks if he's okay. He says he's just stressed about the wait, but before Susan can get an answer out of him as to whether that's all, he gets up and starts yelling at a doctor over how long they're waiting. And then he starts beating up the doctor. Well, at least they're in a hospital.
After the commercial, Mike is handcuffed to a chair while he waits for Susan to get finished with her exam. She comes out and sits to him, saying she and the baby are fine. Mike apologizes, and Susan says she talked to the doctor about rehab for Mike. Mike vows to kick the habit himself, saying he's done it before, but Susan isn't so sure. "I think I've hit bottom here," he says, and promises to fix it. A nurse stops by with a box of NARCOTIC PAINKILLERS for PREGNANT SUSAN's mildly sprained ankle. Susan's in the middle of tucking them in her purse when she's amazed to see the pleading look on Mike's face. "Kinda had a rough day here," he begs. "I've just got to get through this." Remember when Bree said that addicts are masters of deception? Clearly Mike is not an addict. Susan, bless her, not only says no, but tells Mike it's either rehab or she's leaving. Mike gives in.
Edie's out in the wind in front of Gabby's house, figuring out how to mess with the luggage Gabby's got sitting on the porch, But then a much richer -- literally -- opportunity to fuck with her enemies presents itself in the form of Carlos's accountant, in a rush to drop off the papers so he can get home to his family. Mistaking Edie for Gabby, the accountant hands over the only copy of a folder relating to Carlos's offshore account and tells Edie not to lose it. Edie is only too happy to take it. The accountant says she's as pretty as Carlos says. "Oh, no, I'm prettier," Edie firmly corrects him.
Inside, a still-packing Gabby somehow hears the accountant drive away over the roar of the wind. Opening her French doors to the upstairs balcony, she looks outside to see Edie going down her walk, looking at a folder. She hollers down at Edie, who scampers away. "Oh, crap," Gabby says, not even bothering to close the doors as she gives chase.
The TV news is getting staticky in Mrs. McC's basement. She's busy with that, so she doesn't notice when Lynette leaves her apparently dying husband's side to steal the cat and bring it upstairs. I don't know how everyone else fails to notice it as well.
Gabby bangs on Edie's door. Riffling through the papers, Edie calls back, "I've called the police! They're on their way, and they are going to taser your ass!" Just like that, Gabby seems to give up. But she's only smashing in a window. "Oh good, you're home," she says as she and Edie square off.
Upstairs at Mrs. McC's, she busts Lynette trying to stuff Toby in an upstairs closet, and she is pissed. Lynette asks how, as a friend, Mrs. McC can pick a cat over Lynette's husband. Mrs. McC rightly says that Lynette is only her friend when she needs something. They're still arguing about this when Mrs. McC's front door blows open. Toby darts out into the havoc outside, and Mrs. McC goes after it. And Lynette goes after Mrs. McC, fighting a gale force wind. Nice of her to leave the door open, too.
In Edie's house, Gabrielle is making useless grabs for the folder. When Edie offers to go away for a 60% share of the money, that gives Gabby the drive she needs to dive over the sofa, take Edie down, and run off with the papers. But outside, in the wind, Edie catches up to Gabby. They fight over the folder, and the papers scatter in the wind, blowing halfway to Mount Pleasant. Gabby grabs at the wind and screams at Edie, who has lost interest in the fight and is staring up at the sky, frozen in shock and terror. Finally she grabs wee little Gabby, points her body in the direction she's looking, and screams, "Get in the house, now!"
Mrs. McC, meanwhile, has tracked Toby to underneath what I assume is Edie's car, not that either Gabby or Edie noticed her coming. She tries to coax the cat out until Lynette drags her to her feet. Mrs. McC is the one to see what Edie saw. Lynette turns to look behind her, and that is one big, fat funnel cloud bearing down on them. They start to head back to Mrs. McC's, but they're cut off by suburban artillery fire in the form of metal barbecue grills and trash cans clattering to the street in front of them. So they do a 180 and dodge into Lynette's house instead. At least I think it's Lynette's house. I'm still new enough at this that I usually have to determine these things by who's inside and acting like they're at home.
Inside Edie's house, she tells Gabby that she thinks they can both fit in her crawl space. Still pissed about the money, Gabby doesn't want to share the small space with Edie until she hears something smash, and she boots her hostess inside ahead of her with a "Move your ass!"
Orson comes home in all this mayhem to find Katherine, Bree, Adam, and the baby still outside the Sylvia-filled bathroom. Bree tells him they can't get in, because there's a woman in there. "Well, tell her to hurry it up!" he snaps, cracking me up. Adam asks for five minutes, and Orson tells then about the funnel cloud right outside. They all duck into a handy storage closet instead.
Lynette and Mrs. McC hide under a twin mattress in Lynette's bathtub. Gabby and Edie squat in Edie's crawlspace, and Gabby apologizes to Edie for the way she and Carlos hurt her. Edie doesn't want any deathbed confessions. "When we get through this I'm going to go on hating you for years to come," she says. But then she realizes she doesn't hate Gabby; she's only mad at herself for letting herself fall for Carlos when she knew he'd go back to Gabby. A loud noise drives them into each other's arms, literally.
Inside the closet (which is large enough for four adults to sit, one to a corner, with their legs stretched out in front of them, a discussion of Benjamin's need for a new diaper turns into Katherine blaming Bree for letting Sylvia into her house due to her nosiness. The whole house shakes like a yacht, or a flimsy shooting set, as Adam comes to Bree's defense. Katherine apologizes to their hostess, and Orson asks what Sylvia said to her anyway. Bree again tells them about Sylvia's crazy claims, this time leaving in the part about Adam's tattoo. Not noticing that the air between Katherine and Adam has just changed significantly, Bree goes on about how she would have noticed at the pool if Adam had a tattoo, let alone a snake. "He did, back in Chicago," Katherine says quietly. "He had it removed." And so, Bree is left holding something worse than a poopy baby. "So that's why we settled? Why we lost everything?" Katherine says to Adam. It gets very quiet in there, and Bree reaches for Katherine's hand. Katherine still does not spit in Bree's face.
Carlos rushes into Gabby's house, yelling at her to get into the basement. Of course Gabby's not there. But Victor is -- out of the hospital a day early, probably because hospital security was busy subduing a violent plumber. Since neither man knows where Gabby is, Victor says, "I guess we'll have to wait for her together." And he reveals the gun we knew he had in his hand all along.
Seeing the gun, Carlos tries to talk to Victor, saying he and Gabby just couldn't stay apart. He apologizes to Victor. "Are you done?" Victor asks. Carlos is. So Victor abruptly raises the gun and opens fire. Carlos darts out into the storm. Victor follows, yelling at Carlos to get back in the house. "You'll get hurt out here!" he hollers into the tornado, his gun leveled. Carlos dives at him and fights for the gun, which blows halfway across the street. Their race to get to it first is brought to an abrupt halt by a car landing on it, upside down. Apropos of nothing, a flying pipe takes out Bob and Lee's ugly fountain. Carlos and Victor continue fighting in a front yard as fence pickets unzip around them. Carlos finally subdues Victor and tries to break into the house. He's just about to make it inside, as Victor raises that pipe to brain Carlos from behind. But before he can, one of those flying pickets totally Buffys him from behind. Carlos stands and watches in shock as Victor collapses, probably really dead this time. And then a flying bit of debris does to Carlos what Victor couldn't.
Sylvia finally comes out of Bree's bathroom, asking where everyone is. She yells that this is Adam's last chance. "You've made your choice! Here I go!" And there she goes, as she opens Bree's front door and gets swept straight up into the air.
And the storm hits in earnest, as the Hodges and Mayfairs huddle together, as do Edie and Gabby, and as do a bloody-faced Lynette and Mrs. McC.
And then it's over, as we see that doll up in a tree. Mary Alice reminds us that it was supposed to be a beautiful day, "until the winds came and changed everything." Our protagonists start venturing out to survey the damage, as Mary Alice tells us that not just the houses, but the people had changed. Bree's living room is trashed, and she's got a ragged new skylight. "Each of them had learned something about friendship," MAVO says, as Bree and Katherine smile at each other. "And forgiveness," as Edie helps Gabby out of her crawlspace, and Gaby dusts Edie off. "And redemption," as Susan and Mike leave the hospital. "And some had leaned the hardest lesson of all," as Lynette leads Mrs. McC through her busted house. "That life is always fragile and very often unfair." Out in her shook-up yard sale front yard, Lynette's survivor smile fades, and she rapidly picks her way through the rubble to where the street used to be to get a closer look at what's left of Mrs. McC's house, with her family inside it. Or rather under it, because the entire town seems to have landed on Mrs.McC's house. It's now a pile of rubble that's partially on fire. Screaming, she starts climbing on the pile. Jeez, she leaves the kids with Tom for five minutes...
And the camera pulls back for an overhead shot of Wisteria lane. Most of the houses and a few trees are still standing, but the rest of the block looks like the scene of one hell of a Pencils Down party.