By Evany
Previously on Desperate Housewives (MAVO): "Susan's mother made quite an impression, Bree made a secret commitment, Gabrielle made a discovery, Tom made a mistake, and Susan made an appointment...with trouble."
MAVO: "When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly naive. Which is how she came to be married four times." Through flashback, we get a tour of the Many Husbands Of Sophie Bremmer: (a) the gambler; (b) the drinker, (c) the man-lover, and (d) (see (b)). "Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken. So she decided she would never...get...married...again. Then one night, she had a visitor." Why, it's a drunk Bob "Morty" Newhart. Yelling "Sophie, Sophie" from the front yard. Susan hustles him inside the house as he mutters and stutters that he has to talk to Sophie. Susan reminds him that it's 1 in the morning and Sophie's sleeping (not at all true -- Sophie's standing just outside the living-room door, listening in on every word). But Morty wants to ask Sophie to marry him. "The [Pancake!] restaurant is starting to make money, I just bought a new jet ski, my cholesterol is down...but none of it's any fun without her." Oh, Morty, Susan doesn't think it's going to work Sophie's moved on. But "Not So Fast" Sophie bursts in. Sophie: "Your doctor told you not to drink!" Morty: "Well, there are times when you need liquid courage." And with that, he hands her his dead wife's engagement ring. Susan: "You gave her your dead wife's ring?" Morty: "It's a three-carat diamond! She shouldn't care if it's used." So, Morty wonders, what does Sophie think? About the proposal? Much to Susan's, and Morty's, surprise, Sophie says, "All right." But she makes him get down on his knee and do the proposal right. MAVO: "Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic." And another thing? Tomorrow Sophie and Morty are going to exchange the used ring for something much bigger. MAVO, smugly: "But she was no longer naive." Credits!
Things get started with an awesome wedding photo montage of all the desperate couples: CreePaul and Mary Angela (wow, Mary Angela sure did love the '80s), Bree and Rex (both lit very mysteriously, as though their faces are being illuminated by the heavenly glow of a just-off-camera baby Jesus), Lynette and Tom (Lynette looking like a very pretty cross-dresser), Gabrielle and Carlos (Gabby looking very matronly indeed). MAVO: "Marriage is a simple concept: basically, it's a contract between two people, that binds them together for life, in hopes that they can live happily ever after. Sadly, some contracts [and here the MAVO ramps up to a supremely smirky pitch] are made to be broken." We pull back from Carlos and Gabby's wedding photo to reveal an aggressively traditional painting of, I think, a bunch of biblical people clumped together in a group hug. The painting is surrounded by the most gaudy, ridiculous, eight-million-pound frame ever made. Seriously, the thing belongs in a mid-quality museum somewhere. But instead, it's hanging on the wall at Casa Tampers and Pampers, where plates are currently being heaved through the air. Carlos swears he did not mess with Gabby's pills! Gabby shows him how very much her pills have been messed with by peeling back the tinfoil to reveal some suspiciously shoddy gluemanship. Well, perhaps it's a manufacturing problem, Carlos suggests, or maybe even his mother? "It's possible: You buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right? Before the accident, I told her how much I wanted a child, and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought she'd talk to you! Baby, I am SO sorry." After a long moment of uncertainty, Gabby comes back with "That bitch!" Carlos rubs Gabby's back, confessing that although he did very much love his mother, he has to admit that she could be very controlling. Gabby: "Reaching out from beyond the grave to screw with me. God, she's good." Gabby gets up to leave, and Carlos asks where she's going. Gabby: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits." (Crypt, Gabby. Remember? Mama Solis doesn't have a grave, she has a crypt.) As Gabby stomps out the door, Carlos gives a huge sigh of relief and throws himself back onto the couch with a self-satisfied "getting away with it" smile. Gross!
Close-up on Lynette's wedding ring as she wipes down baby girl P's face. In comes Tom to announce that he's going to be home late because he has to go out for drinks for work. Work is hard! Lynette wants to talk to him about something: it's been ten days since they've had sex, and the longest they've ever gone before is nine days. Tom is a little incredulous, almost sure that they did it the Thursday? No, Lynette reminds him, they started to have sex last Thursday, but then he fell asleep. Tom: "Is this why you're so worried? Because we can do it tonight if you want to." Tom? That is the most romantic thing I have ever heard. Bravissimo. Lynette: "Whatever." Tom: "No. I have ten days pent up in me. We are doing it tonight!" They kiss, and Tom assures Lynette that she has nothing to worry about. There's a knock on the front door, and Tom asks Lynette to tell the car pool that he's going to be right there; he just has to go grab his briefcase. And who should be at the door but Annabel in a very cleavage-friendly top. Annabel's electronic device tweets. She apologizes to Lynette and starts punching buttons. Lynette stares wistfully at all that high-power button-pushing. Remember the days when she herself used to punch the buttons on electronic devices? Back when she didn't to stay at home with her sea of children? She looks down at her baby-stained frump-top and PJ bottoms and looks even more chagrined. Tom skips down the stairs, and together he and Annabel sweep out the door.
Sophie is leaving! With Morty! Oh good -- I don't think I could have stomached one more episode of all that undulating. Marty is carrying Sophie's many pieces of luggage out to the car and looking very strained. Susan and Julie are out in front of the house, seeing them off. Susan trills about how empty the house is going to be, and the way she says it, it's clear how very much Susan looks forward to that emptiness. Julie asks if S&M can't just stay a little longer? And Susan immediately leaps in with a "No, no, no! They want to get their new life together started! We don't want to hold these crazy kids back." Susan leans in to give Morty a hug, and he tells her that Sophie's told him all about The Plumber, and, well, he thinks Susan shouldn't give up on him. Because if Morty had given up, he wouldn't have wound up with the lovely lady that is Sophie. Susan: "Did she tell you he served time in prison for manslaughter?" Morty: "No, she left that part out." (Only really it's more like: "No no, she left, she left that, that part out." I know the stuttering thing is part of Bob Newhart's shtick, but it's so extreme here, it's like he's run himself back and forth through a Newhart Babelfish translator.) Susan: "I don't suppose she told you he was a drug dealer." Morty: "I don't recall that." Sophie jumps out of the car to say that Susan doesn't know the whole story. She confesses that she went over to Mike's house and told him how much Susan loves him which, of course, makes Susan cringe. But Julie looks intrigued: "What did he say?" Susan holds her indignant look for one millisecond, then gives in: "Yeah, what did he say?" Sophie: "I think I walked in on him at a very bad time. Someone close to him had just died." Susan, sympathetically: "Oh god, really?" Sophie: "He could use a shoulder to cry on." And by "shoulder," she means -- oh, forget it, shoulder, she means shoulder. Sophie goes in for one last goodbye hug, and over her shoulder Susan spies Mike coming out of his house to...what? Yes. Check his mail.
Meanwhile, Bree and her wedding ring are eating a fancy, tie-worthy meal with George. "Mmm. Oh, George. You have got to taste this." She hands him a laden fork. "It's a little messy," she warns. "Mm, I can't wait!" he gushes. George looks supremely happy in this scene. Bree is wearing a pearl choker and an oddly ill-fitting pink dress that gapes in all the wrong places. George says something about the fantastic fennel accent found in whatever messy thing he's just eaten. "Anything that good has GOT to be sinful!" Bree enthuses. George comments on how much fun this is, the two of them, opening themselves up to new tastes and experiences. Too bad you're really a very creepy voyeur, George, because you actually seem kind of companionable in this scene. Bree: "Rex just hates these cooks' tours. He likes to stay at home with the same old plate of spaghetti and mug of root beer." Titter. George thinks this marinara sauce is the best he's ever had. Bree herself has actually had a better marinara sauce, once, in glorious, sun-dappled Italy. The way she says "Italy" here is very weird; she really has to struggle to get the word out and her eyes actually close with the strain of it. "Rex and I took a vacation there, right before the kids were born. Oh, we had so much fun in those first few years. Guess it was just easier to be happy back then." Bree catches herself and adds, "I don't know why I just said that. No more wine for me!" Titter! Titter! And a pointed close-up on her fiddling with her wedding ring. "Maybe we should go to Italy," George spontaneitizes. "What?" Bree gasps. George: "Wouldn’t that be a hoot? Going to all those museums and trattorias. We could just make pigs of ourselves!" Bree: "I can't go on a trip with you. I'm married, people would talk." Bree loads up her fork again and plugs George's bad-idea hole full of clam. As she leans over to feed him, Bree spots Edie sitting at a table across the room. (Surely Edie isn't eating alone? But the way the table is situated it's impossible to see whom she's with.) Bree gives Edie a friendly little wave, and Edie waves back with a raised eyebrow. "Mmm," George says, "you are absolutely right. If it's that good, it's just got to be sinful." Yes, Bree's clams are most definitely sinful. The smile melts off Bree's face as she puts two and two together: George's comment about sin plus Edie's knowing smirk equals my god is she cheating on Rex?
Lynette is hustling the kids into bed. The Ps all balk at the idea, but she reminds them that she and Daddy have a "special meeting" tonight, which causes all the kids to collectively yell, "Ewww!" Wow, do the Ps know what "special meeting" means? Ewww! Tom comes in and starts sorting the...mail (which I am now beginning to believe is some kind of foreplay on Wisteria Lane). Lynette tiptoes into the room and tackles him from behind with the full force of ten unsexed days. "Whoa," Tom says, looking confused until it dawns on him that, right, this is the time of their physical-relations appointment. He asks her to give him a second to let the office wear off, and then he immediately drops the mail and says, "Okay I'm in!" He turns and sweeps Lynette into a big kiss. Still kissing her, he lifts her up onto the back of the couch, but then he pulls up short. Lynette wonders what he's thinking, clearly with the idea that whatever's on his mind must be good indeed. But no, he was just wondering what that smell is. "Probably baby drool," Lynette offers, and tugs off her shirt, revealing a wife-beater tank underneath. "There, now you have easier access. Woooo!" she yells as she topples back over the side of the couch. They continue to kiss, until Tom pulls back again, all, wow, that smell really soaked through, huh? "That is the nature of baby throw-up," Lynette lectures matter-of-factly. "You want me to wear a HAZMAT suit, or are you going to be okay?" No, no, Tom assures her, he's going to be fine. It's just that...he likes it when she's all clean and in her "sexy clothes." Uh oh, Tom. Careful there, good buddy. "Ha ha ha," Lynette barks, not at all amused. "I don't own anything clean and sexy. Everything is either covered in baby spit or chunks of melted crayon." Lynette accents every other syllable of this speech by slapping Tom's shoulder with his tie. Lynette: "You make me feel like I just got off the shrimp boat, for god's sake." Tom: "It's just that, you know, guys sometimes like it when women, you know, put a little effort into things." Annnd...say goodbye to sex tonight, Tom! You idiot. Tom tries to sweep Lynette's not-at-all-pleased look off her face with a request that they just go back to kissing again, please, and Lynette gives a very sigh-ful "fine," but then the baby starts to cry. The other Ps start joining in, yelling "Mom!," and Lynette pushes Tom off her and heads upstairs. Tom rolls onto the couch, alone, looking almost as frustrated as Lynette. Eleven days and counting!
Hm. I think I might be on Lynette's side on this one: for better or worse, richer or poorer, sexy silkies or baby stink -- if you simply cannot round the bases with the stench of vomit in your nose, Tom, then why not suggest some fun together time in the shower? Versus, say, launching into the "sometimes men like sexy things" lecture? Then again, I think we all appreciate it when our sexnificant others, you know, use soap, especially when they schedule the sexy time eight hours in advance. Whatever. Tom, Lynette? You both deserve no sex tonight.
CreePaul and Shaft are sitting in an automobile. CreePaul can't believe that Susan Mayer hired a private dick to snoop into his totally not suspicious past! What should CreePaul do? "Run," Shaft advises. "Pack up your kid and get out of town." Unfortunately Zana doesn't want to move out of stalking-range of Julie, and he can be pretty stubborn. Shaft volunteers to throw Susan off the scent by telling her whatever it is CreePaul wants her to believe. Why is Shaft so willing to help CreePaul out, I wonder? Is it because he feels he owes him one, after mis-fingering MA's blackmailer?
Cut to Shaft sitting in Susan's burned (yet oddly tidy) kitchen. He's reading to her from the contents of a manila folder with "Paul Young" hand-written on the front in awesome, fourth-grader lettering. According to the contents of this incredibly official-looking file, Angela changed her name to Mary Alice when she was a teenager. The reason for the name change, as cited on the application? She had stopped speaking to the relative she was named after -- just like Paul said! Do you really have to list a reason when you change your name? Like, "I hereby change my name to 'M'ocean' because it more adequately captures the movement of my soul"? It turns out that Shaft also managed to manufacture the record of a baby girl named Dana who died in "some kind of fall." How could Susan have been so wrong? More importantly, how could Susan believe this sham of a shylock with his shifty, "five minutes at Kinko's" folder of lies? Susan did you hear that they took "gullible" out of the dictionary? Also your refrigerator's running. AND your epidermis is showing! Susan goes to get her checkbook to pay Shaft for a job well done, and as she grabs her purse, she happens to glance out the window and notice Mike's house. Now what is that doing there? "Actually before you go, I need you to check into someone else's background," Susan says to Shaft. "There's this plumber I know..."
we see the back of a short brunette female making her way across some lawn, employing a very weird and lopsided mince-walk. I think it's Gabby, trying not to let her spiked heels sink into the lawn, though it could also be Deenie, struggling with her scoliosis brace. Oh okay, it's Gabby, here to visit Gardener John in his natural habitat. GJ asks if Gabby got his messages, which she did, but she wanted to talk to him in person because she has some "potentially upsetting news" to deliver. GJ assures "Mrs. Solis" that he can handle it. So Gabby blurts, "I'm pregnant, and it might be yours!" Watch as GJ descends into rage, kicking and throwing bags of lawn cuttings like a gorilla in a cage with oh so much Samsonite luggage. Listen as Gabby peeps and screams at such a sight as this. GJ asks how he is going to afford child support since he can barely afford his new dirt bike. Really? I thought his lawn business was doing so well he could afford to float Gabby a credit card? Gabby tells him to relax; the baby may not even be his. Then why, GJ wonders, did she tell him? According to Gabby, she told him because she wanted to protect him from Carlos, and from GJ's parents. It seems like keeping the whole thing quiet would have protected him just as adequately? Gabby: "John, something like this could ruin your life. That's why you have to keep quiet about our affair. There's no point in letting a catastrophe bring both of us down." For which John thanks her sincerely. And to which Gabby responds with a cool "Forget about it," even though I'm pretty sure her motivations for keeping John quiet aren't 100% selfless. John sinks down to sit beside Gabby on the lawnmower and says, defeated, "I should have worn a condom." Gabby: "Yeah, that would have been helpful!" First of all, where was Gabby in the middle of all that unprotected sex? Yes, GJ should have worn a condom, but she could have just as easily demanded that he wear one. What, did she just close her eyes the whole time and think of England? I know, I know. Gabby was on the pill! Or at least she thought she was. But there are still such things as STDs, etc. that prompt many sexually active adults to sheath their privates in protective layers of latex. Though maybe Gabby was banking on GJ's untouched youth to protect her from such unpleasantries?
Meanwhile, over at Casa Freaky Friday, Susan is making Julie read the contents of Shaft's "Mike Delfino" tell-all folder, because what mother doesn't make her daughter participate in her paranoid investigation of her ex short-term lover's murder- and drug-ridden past? Julie, all incredulous: "You hired a private investigator?" Susan: "I can't trust Mike and I want to find out what really happened from a source that doesn't have a private agenda." Ha. Julie asks Susan if she's ready. Susan gathers her forces and druthers and chi and gives Julie the "Go," followed shortly thereafter by the "Stop!" Julie -- understandably thrown by this game of Red Light, Green Light -- is all, "What?" Susan: "If-if-if you find out something that's really bad, just try to put a positive spin on it." God, Susan, you're the worst. What if there are bloody crime-scene photos in there? Have you no maternal instincts whatsoever? Julie flips open the folder, does some skimming, and then gives Susan that old "you want the good news or the bad news" saw. Susan takes option B-for-bad, and Julie tells her that the guy Mike killed was a cop. Susan flaps her arms and "ohmygod"s and demands the good news, of which, of course, there is none. Julie: "You told me to spin it and I did the best I could!" Susan is all, oh forget it, I'll just read the file myself. That is a really great idea, Susan. Read the file all on your own like a fully actualized adult. Susan starts reading an article featuring the dumbest, most unlikely headline ever: "Drug Dealer Kills Cop". I'm sorry, what? Who the hell wrote that? The very same ten-year-old responsible for such professionally authored news articles as "Pinching Hurts" and "Corn Tastes Like Yellow"? Together Julie and Susan flip through the rest of the folder. We see a "Hundreds Mourn for Slain Officer" article. And we see a color shot of Mike on the courthouse steps, wearing prison oranges and a drug-dealer beard. He looks pretty good! In the background of the photo, Susan spies Noah and the Kendra out of Mike's Past. "I can't believe it," Susan tells Julie. "I know her!" I'm not sure why this is so incredibly hard to believe, since Susan knows that Kendra and Mike are way-back friends, but okay, Susan, it looks like you've found a clue!
Cut to Kendra, standing on the veranda of a palatial estate that looks not unlike Michael Jackson's Neverland. She's gazing down at Mike and Noah, who are chit-chatting on a footbridge that spans the...moat? Kendra is wearing a necklace from which a ring -- of perhaps some sentimental significance? -- dangles, and the moment she first sees Mike and Noah talking, her hand sort of goes to the ring and hovers there for a split second. Very interesting! Kendra struts down to the bridge to chastise the two gentlemen: "You two just won't stop, will you? Deirdre's dead. It doesn't matter who killed her. Just let it go." Mike: "It's not that easy, Kendra." Kendra: "Why? My sister hated you, both of you. She said so." Noah: "That was the drugs talking." Kendra: "Right, right. The drugs. Deirdre humiliated this family, and then threw our love back in our faces. She knew it, and she couldn't have cared less." Noah wants to know if Kendra's done, already, but she isn't, because she wants to find out what it is that Mike and Noah are plotting. Noah turns his back on her, but Mike comes up to her face and says, all casual, "We're just talking." Which Kendra does not believe, no. "Then don't ask," Mike spits at her. Oooh! The two of them exchange a feisty little stare-down, and then Kendra stomps off. There sure is nothing like a wooden footbridge when it comes to stomping.
Rex and Bree are leaving their house, and Rex is saying how of course he doesn't want to change cardiologists, but after weeks of testing, the guy should have figured out what was wrong with him by now. Bree worries that they socialize with the doctor and his wife, and what is she going to say if Rex switches to a new doctor? Rex: "All I know is that I've never felt worse and I gotta do something." As they go to get in the car, Bree notices Edie walking down the street, sipping coffee and wearing a terrible bright-salmon suit with grossly tight miniskirt attachment. For some insane reason, the skirt makes Edie's legs look almost chubby, which is some kind of reverse miracle because Edie's legs are not at all trunk-like. Not. At. All. Perhaps this is the latest space-aged contribution from NASA: Chunkifying Skirts and Separates? Bree makes a lame excuse to Rex about having to race over to talk to Edie about a recipe. Bree says she noticed Edie at Fredo's the other day, and Edie says yes, and then sucks on her teeth and chides Bree with a, "naughty, naughty!" Bree looks a little ill around the gills. What could Edie possibly mean? Edie: "That guy, the one you were spoon feeding? Not bad -- a little on the petite side for my tastes, but then again, I'm not the one sleeping with him." You see, this is exactly what Bree was worried about. She and George, she informs Edie, are Just Friends. Edie completely understands: Rex stuck it to that hooker housewife, and now it's payback time! Edie's delightfully nonchalant in this scene -- very "but of course" European. Bree: "You have got the wrong idea. That man is my pharmacist!" Edie: "You could have an affair with anyone and you choose a pharmacist? You are such a Republican." Bree is not having and affair! She insists: "George and I -- we just talk. He's a very good listener, and I share my hopes and dreams with him, and my innermost thoughts, and that's all there is to it. You have to believe me." Edie: "Okay, I believe you." Well then, Bree sure is glad they cleared this up. She knew it must have looked strange, her feeding her clams to George, but she didn't want Edie thinking she was cheating on her husband. Edie: "But you sort of are. Come on, Bree, you're telling this guy your innermost thoughts, your hopes, your dreams? Sex aside, it sounds like you're pretty intimate with a guy who's not your husband." Bree hems and haws that everybody needs someone to talk to. Edie: "Well, what's wrong with talking to Rex?" Edie saunters off, leaving Bree standing there, looking rattled.
Felicia is on the phone, leaving a message for Zana. She so enjoys their little visits, she tells the beep, and she hasn't seen him for a few days. She hopes everything's all right? CreePaul picks up to tell her that Zana isn't feeling very well, and, also, additionally, he doesn't think it's very appropriate that Zana's been spending so much time over at Felicia's. Click!
CreePaul brings a tray with two cups of cocoa into Zana's room. He asks how Zana feels, and Zana, who seems barely able to open his eyes, says he's been feeling awful for two days now. Zana gropes around for one of the cups of cocoa, and CreePaul guides his hand away from the (non-drugged) cup and onto the (clearly tainted) cup. Zana wonders, vaguely, if he should go see a doctor, but CreePaul seems to think it's just a flu, or maybe it's the house itself: "I feel it too. It isn't healthy for us to stay here." Zana, with eyes closed: "I told you, I'm not moving." CreePaul: "It would be for your own good. You can't keep running around, doing the kinds of things you've been doing. Susan Mayer's kitchen, for example. People are going to catch on." Zana is pretty much knocked out at this point, but he lets out a faint "yesss," though as far as confessions go, it's pretty weak. "Wouldn't it be great to just start over? Somewhere in the country. You could meet some new friends. Maybe even meet a new girl. How about I let you sleep on it," CreePaul says ominously. The camera tightens in on Zana's cup of (tainted) cocoa.
Lynette gets out of the car with baby girl P in her arms. What's this? A pink, pink store called "Nighttime Necessities" ("necessities"?) with a window-full of mannequins outfitted in rubber French maid costumes. Lynette scurries past, but then backs up and pauses as the MAVO chimes in: "The lack of passion in her marriage had become an unpleasant reality for Lynette. Then one day, it occurred to her that the best way to fight reality..." cut to Lynette wearing said French maid outfit and running around her living room, setting up wine and candles, etc. "...was with a little fantasy. Of course, all the fantasy in the world won't do you any good if no one shows up to enjoy it." Cut to Lynette looking bored with her feather duster and fishnets. Cut to Lynette busting in to the wine. Cut to Lynette emptying the last drops of wine into her glass. Cut to Lynette passed out on the couch. Enter Tom, and he's not alone! He's with a businessman. "I really feel bad," the businessman is saying to Tom, "about putting you out like this." Oh, but he's been flying all day, Tom says. It's no problem! As long as he doesn't mind sleeping...on the...sofa. After a few beats of Tom and the businessman taking in the sight of the sexy Goldilocks unconscious on the sofa, the businessman says, "Yeah, the sofa should be fine." Ha!
The morning, Lynette scrambles to clear the kitchen of the spectacular mess that is "three small children eating breakfast." Tom walks in, straightening his tie. "Oh, hey, honey, why don't you just...let the maid get that." Har har har. Not funny! "Oh, and by the way? Gary's showering right now. He asked that you bring him a clean towel and your...riding crop." Tom is clearly having all kinds of fun here. Lynette walks past him and gives his ass a firm kick: "I'm glad you find my humiliation so entertaining." Tom: "Honey, you were wearing a French maid's costume. I mean, come on, what were you thinking?" It seems as though the thought process behind a rubber French maid's costume is pretty front-and-center, Tom. Isn't that one of the main purposes of that kind of getup? The immediacy of its intentions? "I was thinking our marriage was in trouble and one of us ought to try to do something to save it!" Lynette says, clearly upset. This gives Tom pause for a moment, all, whoa, marriage? In trouble? Sure, they haven't had sex in a few days, but that happens, right? Right about then, the car pool horn honks. "Oh! That's Annabel," Lynette says. "How ironic!" How, Tom would like to know, is Annabel relevant to their discussion about the struggle that is their marriage? "Because she now comes to this house every morning," Lynette says, "to remind you of what I am not." Tom isn't getting it, so Lynette spells it out for him. "She's the fantasy, Tom. The hot woman that you work with every day, with her manicured nails and her designer outfits." Meanwhile, Lynette gestures to her sweat-suited self: Lynette is the reality, "the wife who never wears makeup and whose clothes smell like a hamper." Tom thinks this is the stupidest idea she's ever said. (Really? He can't see how Lynette might take her jealousy of Annabel and her lack of sexual contact with her husband and come up with some kind of fantasy v. reality theory? It's not that hard to follow.) Lynette reminds Tom that she used to be the fantasy: there was a time when she didn't need a maid's outfit because she knew she was enough for him, "even wearing a smelly t-shirt." Weeping now, Lynette concludes, "And clearly, that's no longer the case." Tom doesn’t know what to say: "If there's a way for me to fix this, just tell me and I will do it." Oh Tom, that isn't the most productive offer -- making Lynette come up with a list of suggestions for ways to save your sex life. The horn honks again, and Gary comes down with his briefcase at the ready. "You should go," Lynette says. "You don't want to keep Annabel waiting." Zing!
Gabby is chug-chug-chugging Tabasco on top of a bowl of salsa. Carlos is sitting beside her in, huh, the bathtub? Gabby is eating chips and salsa in the bathroom while Carlos takes a bath? "You be careful with that," Carlos says. "You don't want to give the baby heartburn." But Gabby can't get it hot enough; her hormones have destroyed her taste buds. Carlos thinks that Gabby's been paying more attention to her hormones than she is to him, lately. "I plan on getting fat," Gabby says as she walks past him, "as a tribute to your mother." Pow!
Gabby relocates her salsa 'n' chips platter to the veranda, so she's front and center when Gardener John pulls up in his truck, all half-cocked and spoiling for a fight with Carlos -- once and for all, man to man -- about his maybe-baby and his desire to do the right thing. Gabby tries to stop him, but he won't be stopped! So she tells him to wait right there; she'll go to get Carlos. She races inside and tells Carlos, who's climbing out of the tub, to get back in: she's ready for some pregnancy-urgent sexy time, with him, in the bath, together. (Are you listening to this, Tom? That's how you get your spouse into some soapy water.) Gabby cranks up the panty-jam music and tells Carlos that she's going to go do some freshening up. Which is slightly weird, if she's getting in to a bubble bath: She needs to take a bath first so she can...take a bath? In any case. Carlos is nice and distracted by the music, and thoughts of looming love, and playing shark with his washcloth, so he doesn't notice when Gabby clacks her seven-inch spike "just hanging around the house, eating salsa" heels back downstairs. Or notice when Gardener John starts banging on the front door. Or notice when Gardener John tries to throw a veranda chair through the front window and Gabby stops him by throwing the Tabasco'ed salsa in his face, thereby blinding him temporarily and causing him topple over the railing. Gabby races over to help GJ up, and to tell him that he's never going to be the father of this baby. It doesn't matter who the biological father is: Carlos is the one who's going to raise the baby, because he is the one who can provide him, her, or it with "piano lessons and summer camp and the best colleges." So I guess Gabby really is keeping the baby? Somehow, I was expecting more of a debate out of her. "This isn't about money," John says. "It's about what's best for the baby!" Gabby: "If you want what's best for the baby, then you will help me -- help me make sure that this kid does not grow up poor like I did." Carlos comes out in his robe to ask Gabby what's taking so long: "Oh hey, John, what are you doing here?" A tense moment passes as John debates what really is best for the baby, but ultimately he decides to go with Gabby's plan, and covers by saying he's there to...something something about Justin wanting him to come by and give a second opinion about something something flowers. "Your friend, he's a good kid," Carlos says, "but he's not half the gardener you were. You should come back and work for us. I mean, you're practically family." Gabby looks genuinely distressed by how this might be making GJ feel. Or maybe she's just worried that he's not going to stay muzzled. Or maybe she's just really, really missing that salsa. Who knows? Gabby is so complicated.
Felicia is on her porch, looking very much like she's reading her book, but really she's waiting for CreePaul to leave. The second his car pulls away, she's over at the house, knocking and calling for Zana. She finds her way in through the garage, and discovers Zana face-down on his bed. She runs over and checks his pulse, and then rushes back into the kitchen and starts checking through the cupboards and drawers. After amazingly few attempts, she manages to find the bottle of tranquilizers hidden in an oven mitt. Though maybe, with her drug-rehab experience, she knows that the oven mitt is one of the top three stash locations? Now that she knows what she's dealing with, she returns to Zana and, after apologizing in advance, she slaps him across the face, causing him to groggily open his eyes. She half-walks, half-carries him back to her house, leaving a note for CreePaul that tells him exactly where she can find Zana.
Lynette is sitting on the couch, reading Parent magazine (read up, Lynette!) when Tom comes home. After checking if the kids are asleep, he winds up a timer and hands it to her, telling her to come find him in the bedroom when it dings.
After the allotted time, Lynette enters their bedroom (I guess they sleep with the baby girl P's crib in the room?), and out of the bathroom Tom comes, wearing the smallest, tightest, littlest cheetah Speedo thing. He's got kind of a nice body! "You want fantasy? I give you fantasy," he says, and then he growls at her. Lynette is laughing and amazed and clearly very pleased. "Come to me, woman," he says. "Prepare to be boarded. And will you make it fast," he says as he sort of waddles in an odd, saddle-sore way over to the bed. "These things are just chafing!" Lynette admires him, lying there on the bed. "Kill the lights, would you?" No! Lynette is going to appreciate this moment with the lights on, thank you very much. She gets on top of him and gives a feline sort of rowr. That baby girl P sure is a light sleeper, over there in the crib, with all the growling and lights-being-on-ing. In any case, kudos to Tom: I was worried he wasn't going to rise to the challenge, but he pulled through! With the man-panties!
Felicia is at her kitchen table, sipping tea, when CreePaul comes in. She's so happy he's there: she has some papers for him to look at. CreePaul is not at all interested in looking at papers; he wants to know where Zana is. "Upstairs," she says with incredible chipperness, "sleeping off those tranquilizers you gave him." CreePaul says he's not sure what Felicia's up to, but he's "taking his son and going." "I am not my sister," Felicia says in a decidedly more menacing tone. "You do not want to screw with me." Once again, she invites CreePaul to look over the papers -- copies, actually, of her nosy sister's diary, in which Martha transcribed every single boring detail of her life, and all her neighbor's lives. In fact, there are whole sections of Mrs. Huber's diary that spell out how CreePaul and MA nabbed a baby named Dana: "I'm sorry if the copies are hard to read. I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution, since you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?" Ha! CreePaul is completely winded by this news, but he tries to hide it, calling Martha's journal the "fantasies of a bored, lonely woman. They prove nothing." He tries to stand to leave, but Felicia grabs his wrist: "The only reason the police haven't caught you yet is that they have no reason to suspect you." Slowly, she lets go of his wrist. "But once they find out that Martha was blackmailing Angela...sorry, 'Mary Alice' --" CreePaul interrupts, "What is it you want?" Felicia wants the same thing that CreePaul wants: him to leave town, change his name, and never come back. CreePaul: "If you're so sure of yourself, then why don't you just turn me in?" Felicia: "Because Zach would never forgive me." And she wants to be on good terms with him because, you see, the plan is for CreePaul to leave Zana with Felicia. Life on the run is no way to raise a kid: "You're a better father than that." That was very generous, Felicia. CreePaul: "I can't just leave him." Felicia: "You stole him so that he could have a better life. That was a noble act, Paul. Truly. And it's time for you to be noble again." CreePaul: "Can I at least say goodbye?" Felicia: "Did you allow me to say goodbye to Martha?" After a tortured moment, CreePaul walks out of the house, his body completely tense with fury. Felicia watches him go out of the corner of her eye. When the door shuts behind him, she gives a huge sigh of relief and, shaking, pulls the sharp, sharp knife out from under the table. Good girl, Felicia! She is, indeed, not her sister, and is far too smart to let CreePaul into her house without properly arming herself first. Now to see just what it is she wants with Zana: maybe she just thinks he deserves a good home? That would be nice, if perhaps too simple for Wisteria Lane. In any case, awesome scene!
Susan pulls up to Neverland and a walking muscle of a guard in full jacket and tie trots down to block her entry. She tells him that she's looking for Kendra Taylor. "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave," he says. Unfortunately, the guard doesn't seem to understand that this is Susan? Who has driven some distance? The very Susan who cannot imagine a world where all does not bend to accommodate her? Perhaps you may have heard of her? Guard: "Please, back in the car." Susan: "Look, um [she checks his name tag], Bob? Let me try to explain." Bob: "In the car." Susan: "See, the thing is, this is maybe my last chance to find out if I can be with the man I love." Bob: "Ma'am..." Susan: "And Bob [she puts her hands on his shoulders, which he doesn't seem to take all that well], I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. So I'm going to walk up to that house. And you're going to let me. And you know why? Because behind that badge, and that just big 'you could crush me like a fly' chest, there's a heart. A heart that believes in love."
Cut to Susan getting slammed face-down on the hood of her car. Ha ha! Bob is smiling as he folds her arms behind her back. "Just get in the damn car," he says. "It's not my fault you don't have love in your life," Susan whimpers. Kendra arrives on the scene and says, "Susan?" Susan, from her spot on the hood, gives a little wave. "Hi Kendra!"
we see Susan, Noah, and Kendra sitting around a table on the palatial porch. Mike's file is sitting open in front of them. "I just can't help thinking," Susan tells them, "that there's more to the story." Kendra tries to soothe her with a "no, no," but Noah cuts her off: "Unfortunately, you've got the whole story right here." But! Mike's lawyer pleaded self-defense...? "Delfino sold black tar heroin to my daughter. He killed the cop that tried to bust him. He got convicted, and did his time." While Noah rattles this off, Kendra stands behind him, looking frustrated. "Dad --" she says. "She deserves to hear the truth," he says, "however awful." Eyes brimming with tears, Susan gets up and leaves. "What the hell was that?" Kendra asks Noah. "If she knew the truth," Noah says, "she'd go running back to him and might talk him out of doing his job. I can't risk that. I just don't have the time." Man, dying people are so selfish! But as Susan gets into her car at the bottom of the endless driveway, Kendra jumps in. "Quick," she says, "drive around the corner. We need to talk."
Rex is doing a crossword puzzle and Bree is knitting booties for Gabby's baby. She's selected green yarn because she doesn't know what kind of baby it is yet, much as she selected green when she couldn't decide what color to wear to visit Andrew at reprogramming camp. Rex gives a very non-interested response to Bree's yarn talk, and she asks him what's wrong. Rex: "I'm sorry, I'm just worried about the test results. If I don't find out what's wrong with me soon, I'm going to lose my mind." Rex guesses Bree must get tired of him complaining. To the contrary, Bree thinks maybe they don't talk enough. She thinks they should start doing things together again, as a couple. As soon as Rex is well enough, Bree thinks they should go on vacation. Throughout all this Bree-thinking, Rex is "uh-hm"ing distractedly and keeping his focus beamed onto his puzzle. Bree: "Remember our trip to Italy?" Rex: "Yeah, sort of." Bree: "'Sort of'? You don't remember the glorious food and the gorgeous scenery?" Rex: "What I remember is sweating like a pig and wishing we hadn't spent all our savings." Rex laughs, but still doesn't look up, thereby missing the completely shattered look melt over Bree's face. And it's a lot to miss.
Susan's car. Kendra is coming clean with the dirt: Mike wasn't a drug dealer, Deirdre was. Yes, Mike had been a heroin user, but he'd kicked the habit. Unfortunately, Deirdre never could give it up, and one day an undercover cop caught her using and forced her to sex him, again and again, as a thank-you for not sending her (back to) to jail. Mike found out about the arrangement, busted in on them, the cop pulled a gun, they both went over a balcony, and Mike was the only one who got up. As this story unfolds, Susan's face gets sadder and sadder. "I knew he was good," she cries, "I just knew it. Thank you!" Notice how Susan never asks Kendra what happened to her sister or anything. Just the (Susan-related) facts, please!
MAVO: "The vow is simple, really. Those who take it promise to stay together for better or for worse." Sophie gets her bigger, stronger, faster ring, "richer of for poorer," and Morty gets the whopping bill. "In sickness and in health," Rex gets examined at the doctor's office while a very sad Bree pats his arm. "To honor and to cherish," a very sexy, morning-after-haired Lynette kisses Tom as he leaves for work. "Forsaking all others," Gabby and Carlos embrace as Gardener John rides his mower in the background. "Until death do us part," CreePaul gazes at his wedding photo with MA and then puts it into his suitcase. "Yes, the vow is simple. Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part." Susan races over to Mike's house and starts frenching him. "But if we can, that's when we begin to live happily...ever...after."
week: Susan's moving in with Mike, Gabby's leaving Carlos, Rex is having a heart attack, and Edie's bringing doughnuts!