Katherine's aunt Lily comes home to die, and as Katherine helps the paramedics get her set up in her deathbed in the guest bedroom, their conversation about impending death quickly takes a turn. Specifically, Lily doesn't want to go to her grave with the burden on her conscience of what happened with Dylan in that room so many years ago -- whatever it was -- not to mention the cover-up. Katherine tells her in no uncertain terms that Lily will in fact be taking it to her grave, and Mary Alice VOs that as far as both women are concerned, that trip to the grave had better start pretty soon. Writing this during the first act, I'm already reasonably certain that Lily won't be surviving the episode.
Meet the new neighbors! As Mary Alice explains, a guy named Bob Hunter decided that he and his male life partner Lee needed to move out of the city to get away from all the pests (rats, bugs, et cetera), only to relocate to Wisteria Lane door to a worst pest of all: Susan Meyer. Upon finding out she has gay neighbors, Susan can't make an idiot of herself in front of them fast enough, or in enough ways. Suffice it to say that Susan has learned everything she knows about the gays from cable TV, and she doesn't care who knows it.
Meanwhile, Bree receives a delivery: a scooter for Danielle, from Rex's mother. Bree has no intention of keeping it and plans to just donate it to the church raffle. Andrew protests to Orson, who promises not to let Bree get away with it: "If we win that raffle, we're keeping it," Orson vows.
Lynette is between rounds of chemo, and is ready to get back on the proverbial hobby horse. But then when her wig slips off on the middle of things, Tom just can't go through with it with his big, bald-headed wife. What, no Star Trek: The Motion Picture fantasies in Tom's past?
Back from commercials, Bree is trying to convince her friends not to throw a baby shower for her as Orson keeps stunt-riding past them on the street. When Orson inevitably crashes into a garbage can and Bree goes to check it out, Andrew -- who overheard the whole thing -- offers to help the other ladies out. Because he's just that darn helpful.
Susan is busy taking warm cookie bars out of the oven for the neighbors. Fresh-baked treats will heal a lot of hurt feelings, I've found. Except that she's just heating up stuff that Mike got at the store. "I don't bake. Keep up," she says, like Mike's the one with the problem. Mike eventually gets her to admit that she can't stand it when people don't like her, and advises her to let it go. He's met her, right?
So when Susan brings the bars door, Lee asks her if there are nuts in them. Allergies, you see. "Half a pecan could kill me," he says. So then Susan has to crumble one up in her hand to check for nuts, and then tries to hand them over anyway. She couldn't just say, "Yes. Sorry," because she's Susan. Finally she confesses, and Lee isn't terribly understanding: "Well, neighbor, why don't you take your store-bought, warmed-up, possibly poisonous cookie bars and give them to someone more likely to survive your generosity?" As he closes the door, Susan asks if he likes wine. Lee says no. "So please don't bring me a bottle from your vineyard," he says.
Lynette and Gabby are at the wig shop, where the repair lady tells her that it's going to take a week to fix Blondie. Lynette tells Gabby what happened the night before. Gabby has just the thing to fix the problem: a whole wig wardrobe, along with a little fantasy role-playing. Which is really just an excuse for Eva Longoria Parker to model a big old red wig for most of this scene. Yes, Eva, you're very pretty.
Edie's in the stirrups, and after her OB/GYN closes the hood, as it were, he informs her that a bullet she's been dodging has finally caught up with her. "Which one?" Edie asks. Cut to Edie at home, breaking the news to Carlos that they've got crabs. She blames it on an indiscretion with a tanning bed, and says, "Good thing we're in a committed relationship. Otherwise we'd have to make that call of shame to everyone we've been with." She heads into the bathroom with one of those scary little combs, as Carlos suddenly remembers that yes, he is in a committed relationship, but it's not with Edie.
And with that, here we are at a leadership luncheon, where Gabby is watching Victor give a speech. Carlos comes up and whispers in her ear. Gabby's upset, obviously, not least of all because this means Carlos is sleeping with Edie. As they stage-whisper urgently at each other, he points out that she's sleeping with Victor, and she says that's to keep Victor in the dark and asks what Carlos's excuse is. "She wants to, and I'm a guy," he says. Gabby quickly figures out a plan to handle Victor if he wakes up with "a zoo in his pants": simply administer the cure secretly. Yeah, that'll work. As Victor's speech wraps up, he acknowledges the applause with an uncomfortable grimace and a surreptitious scratch to Little Victor. "We're screwed," Carlos says to Gabby.
Late at night, Tom is stalling on going to bed. At least I assume he is, since he's working on fantasy football instead of heading upstairs. The whole "fantasy" thing segues nicely into Lynette's entrance, in which she appears with that red wig and some black lingerie, introducing herself as "Brandi, the slutty cheerleader." Tom hops over the back of the sofa to chase her upstairs.
It's also fantasy time at Gabby's: She's all half-dressed as "Nurse Gabby," and launches into a little role-playing thing that involves smearing paste all over Victor's chest hair while he lies in bed. She works her way down, as he complains mildly about the medicine smell and the, you know, stinging, but when she whips out the nit comb, he's actually alarmed. "For someone getting rubbed down by a hot nurse, you sure ask a lot of questions," Gabby complains, and she gets to work.
Has Susan given up on making friends with he gay neighbors? Well, we find her currently on the phone offending a gay uncle in the course of trying to get him on her side, so probably not. Julie comes home, having found the new neighbors' dog, Rafael, wandering the neighborhood. Since the guys aren't home, she's about to return him to his yard, but Susan can't let such a rich opportunity to make herself look good slip from her fingers. So she decides to hold on to Rafael for a little bit. It would be better if she actually did hold onto him, instead of setting him loose in the garage with an open pan of yellow paint. Which is of course exactly what she does.
Bree and Orson are getting home, and she's giving him a hard time over the brace he's wearing on his wrist now. But it's nothing compared to what's waiting for her inside: a surprise baby shower with the whole damn neighborhood. Susan says that Andrew told them Bree didn't want to impose, so Bree quickly realizes that Andrew is behind this, and smiles her most dagger-licious smile at him. But that's not all: here's Rex's mother, Phyllis. "I helped with the invitations, too," Andrew mutters nastily to Bree. After Bree suffers through a whole fake-sweet reunion with Phyllis, Andrew comes up behind her and quietly says, "I bet you wouldn't mind if I broke my neck on that scooter now." Bree doesn't dispute the point. But I don't think this means he gets to keep it.
Dylan's studying at home, because she never gets to do anything else. Katherine heads out for a plot-required errand, saying that Aunt Lily should be in a nice, drugged stupor for the afternoon. But no sooner is she gone than Aunt Lily's little bell rings, summoning Dylan upstairs. Lily admits that she faked taking the sleeping pill so Katherine would leave them alone, and starts talking to Dylan about what happened to her in that house so long ago. Dylan doesn't remember, of course. She's not the only one with a bad memory, because now Katherine's back, having "forgotten" her checkbook. She sends Dylan down to get it, and takes Lily's bell away from her. "You really should get your rest," she says in a tone that means, "I'm going to kill you."
Back at Bree's non-shower shower, Tom starts flirting with Lynette, but of course he's really only interested in "Brandi." Lynette informs Tom that Penny wanted to play beauty-school with the red wig. "Sounds like Brandi might get awful mad about that," Tom skeeves. Lynette: "Brandi's history, Tom. Let her go."
Susan looks out the window and sees Lee wandering the streets, worriedly calling around for Rafael. Seeing her opportunity, she runs out to offer to help him look. Lee asks about the party she's at, and she scoffs, "Oh, it's just a baby shower. That I'm throwing. For my best friend." Just so Lee's nice and grateful. Which he is. For now. So she goes off, fakely calling for Rafael and grinning like the loon she is.
Phyllis comes up to Bree, having noticed that all of Rex's pictures have been taken down, and passive-aggressively compliments Bree on trying to make marriage work the second time around. Oh, and she's also wondering where Danielle is. Bree tells her that Danielle's in boarding school in Switzerland, and Phyllis freaks. She wonders why Bree even invited her. "It's a surprise party, you daft woman!" Bree snaps at her. After some blather about a sable coat of Phyllis's mother's that she gave Bree, Phyllis is about to storm out of the house. But she stops at the front door to ask where Bree keeps the fur, and Andrew cheerfully directs her upstairs. Seeing her go, Bree asks Andrew what's going on. He tells her, and she rushes upstairs after her mother-in-law. "Oh, crap," Andrew realizes, nearly dropping his cake.
Too late. Bree rushes into her bedroom to find her mother-in-law wearing that sable coat and holding two fake tummy pads. "I guess you won't be needing that breast pump I bought you," Phyllis says calmly.
Bree has apparently taken the commercial break to bring Phyllis up to speed. Fortunately, Phyllis is looking on the bright side: she's going to be a great-grandmother. "Technically, yes," Bree blusters. But she says that Phyllis can't be hovering around, since the baby is going to be passed off as Bree and Orson's, and having Rex's mom around will kind of blow the illusion. This quickly devolves into an argument in which Bree gets tired of Phyllis accusing her of being the reason Rex kept her away. Indeed, Bree tells Phyllis that Rex was the one who couldn't stand her. Bad move, considering that Phyllis is in on her little secret now. Sure enough, Phyllis storms downstairs, and she gets everyone's attention for a big announcement. But with everyone staring at her, she loses her nerve and just takes her leave with some random pleasantries. Bree comes up to her at the door and sincerely says, "Thank you for the gift." Phyllis responds, "You know, Bree, you're not the only one who'd like a second chance."
Susan's fake search for Rafael is not going well from Lee's point of view, but from Susan's, it's going exactly as planned. In other words, Lee is completely grateful to her for her help, because he has not yet realized that she is in fact a dog-napping psychopath. Don't worry, it's coming. As they walk up the street, Lee notices that Bob is home, and wonders what he's going to tell him. Susan tells him not to say anything yet; she's going to go inside her house, get them some water, and keep looking. But while Lee is waiting outside, Bob comes out, asking about Rafael. While he and Lee stress out at each other about the dog being lost, Mike's truck drives past them, and into Susan's driveway. Mike remotes the garage door open, and Rafael comes loping out, leaving bright yellow footprints on the sidewalk -- and on the front of what looks like Bob's best suit. "What was our dog doing in your garage?" Lee yells at Mike, who says he has no idea. He's lying. You can tell he's already figured it out. Susan comes out with a couple of water bottles, aware that the dynamic has somehow changed but unaware of how or why. "What?" she says. Oh, where to start?
At the party, Gabby and Carlos have a whispered conversation about Victor's little guests having been evicted. Carlos tells her that they have to be more careful, saying that Victor will kill them both. But that's exactly what Gabby finds so exciting. As opposed to terrifying, because she gets caught every damn time.
And at the drinks table, Edie and Victor have a brief conversation about his "interesting cologne," which Edie finds "weirdly familiar." Uh-oh. Victor drifts off. But when a cater-waiter offers an anvil -- excuse me, a crab-cake -- to Edie, and then to Carlos, and then to Gabby, and then to Victor, Edie puts six and six and six and six together.
Bedroom time with Tom and Lynette. Except Tom would like it to be Tom and "Brandi's even sluttier sister, Candi." And he waggles a black wig at her. Lynette pulls on flannel pajamas and a long cardigan over her nightie and pulls off her blonde wig, saying this is who she is. "I have cancer!" Yeah, Tom got that memo. He actually manages to turn this around on her, saying that it was fun making love to someone who isn't sick, and that this all affects him too. "Have you ever once asked me how I'm doing?" he demands. Lynette turns to glare at him baldly from the bed, and then realizes the truth: "I am one of those whiny, self-involved sick people!" Well, at least she's sick now. She's still mad at herself. "I'm a cancer bitch!" she yells. That breaks the tension. And Lynette takes the wig, speculating that Candi "might be a screamer." Tom says they should just be themselves and see what happens. Since this isn't HBO, we don't get to see.
Mike comes back from door, telling Susan that they're going to have to buy Bob a new Dolce & Gabbana suit for two grand. Which Susan says is crazy. Grabbing a much-needed beer from the fridge, Mike corrects, "What's crazy is I'm about to buy the most expensive suit of my life and I'll never wear it." He tells her again to let it go -- like he did before -- and goes up to bed. He's got a suit to buy tomorrow.
Danielle lies in bed at the convent, her belly absolutely farging huge. And she's got a visitor: Phyllis, who thinks it's time to bust Danielle out of baby jail. Danielle is all too happy to hear it.
Katherine is doing laundry late at night in her heels and a skirt, as you do, when she hears Aunt Lily fretting in bed, begging to talk. Katherine just shuts the door on her. Downstairs, Dylan tells her mom about what Aunt Lily said earlier, and Katherine passes it off as the ravings of an old woman before telling Dylan to start practicing for some recital that's coming up in two weeks. The better to drown the noise from upstairs. Dylan practices that cello piece that Yo-Yo Ma played on The West Wing that time as Aunt Lily freaks out upstairs. But instead of breaking a glass or putting her hand through a window, Aunt Lily notices the pen and paper lying on the bedside table to her. Because Katherine is just thoughtful enough to provide her with a simple means to spill her secret. Lily starts writing, then folds the paper up into a little square and promptly expires, letting the note drop onto the floor like a live grenade.
Mary Alice VOs about how pasts disrupt our lives over the following montage: Carlos grimaces at his crab shampoo. Susan waves from her trash can at Lee, who ignores her. Danielle packs as Phyllis watches. Katherine watches Aunt Lily get zipped up into a body bag, and coldly follows the gurney out of the room. She's completely unaware that there's a tightly folded note on the floor on the far side of the bed.