Susan's heartfelt kindness toward Paul certainly couldn't go unpunished for long, and soon enough crazy old Felicia's managed to weasel her way into the house -- via her daughter's sentimental kidney -- and launch a full-on poison attack on the comfort food Susan's cooking for Paul. (And if you were hoping she'd continue to cackle and babble at Beth's ashes, you are in luck.) Mike and Susan are back in the financial black, and can finally afford to move back into Paul's house, but Susan feels weird about kicking him out -- especially now that she's poisoning him three times a day and he's looking sicker and sicker. Susan lightly suggests that he move out of the locus of his depression, and he comes to one of those weird Paul Young conclusions where she and Mike have been trying to get him out of there this whole time... It's sad, especially for Susan, who has been nothing awesome this entire time, and for Paul, who is lonelier than ever... And ends the episode dying alone on Susan's kitchen floor.
Tom hires Lynette and Renee to redecorate his office, which pushes Lynette's mission to emasculate him to a whole new limit: How can she somehow make this about teaching him a lesson? Well, by first making fun of his ideas, and then ignoring them altogether, of course -- as well as all of Renee's input. And how does this work out? Oh, Tom loves it! Lynette cheers herself on at length... Only to see that Renee has double-crossed her, wisely, and followed Tom's original wishes. Seeing Tom happy burns Lynette throughout her entire body like she's been eating Susan's poisoned brownies, so she harangues Tom until he explains that it's not about his masculinity, it's about defending his rep against the younger, more bloodthirsty partners. Things are left even uglier than last week, clearing a path for what I fervently wish would be a divorce (and dare we hope, a finale wedding to Renee?).
Bree's condescending attempts to parent Gabrielle's kids gets off to a terrible, hilarious start -- basically, they are too awesome for her to even comprehend -- but soon enough she's distracted by a hot new detective in the neighborhood, Chuck Vance, who's investigating Felicia for some reason. Juanita's attempt to Parent Trap Carlos and Gabi back together goes awry when Carlos tells her the story of her namesake's death, and she relates the story to Celia thus: "Bree killed grandma." Very succinct, very Juanita. Bree's etiquette lessons and household rules assume a horrifying new shape in light of this untrue revelation, somehow convincing both ladies that Bree's housetraining was successful.
Gabi immediately tries to sabotage their Stepford transformation, but it's Bree's adoring nighttime tucking-in routine that convinces them she's coming after them, too, so they immediately call the cops on her, resulting in a second appearance of hot detective Chuck Vance... Who asks Carlos point-blank if Bree killed his mom or what. Carlos "covers" (for this crime that never happened, at all, in any way), and Chuck Vance congratulates Bree on not killing any grandmas or little girls today before asking her out. Carlos bitches a whole lot, some more, and Bree breaks things off with Gabi so she can go back and follow Carlos's every instruction to the letter.
Wow, nearly a whole episode before Gabi's attempts at asserting her humanity crashed and burned! What, did Nancy Pelosi take over as showrunner?
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see which storylines are being recycled!
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Join the conversation now!
BREE & GABRIELLE
Mary Alice: "Bree Van de Kamp had occasionally found her home invaded by household pests, and her manner of dealing with them was ruthless: She smashed them, she poisoned them, she executed them..."
(Turns out Mary Alice is talking about what you should do with Mexican-American children when they are guests in your home.)
Bree: "Gabi, this has been 'great,' and I 'love' having you and your kids in my house, but they track mud all over the place and break shit and act awesome all the time. Andrew was such a tidy boy. Now he's an alcoholic, of course, who runs over people's grandmothers, but when he was a child I had a firm grip on his brain."
Gabi: "Just pretend they don't exist! That's what I do."
Bree: "We are different in some ways, aren't we?"
Gabi: "Yeah, but for the purposes of this story we're best friends."
Bree: "So when do you think you'll be going back to your abusive husband?"
Gabi: "Whenever his weak ass shows up here begging for it, I guess."
Bree: "But your house must be so quiet and so clean. It is a haven."
Gabi: "...Bree? It's too quiet. Did you leave food out?"
Bree: "I'm trying to bribe your kids with cookies. If they don't behave, at least Juanita will become a Type II diabetic. That should slow her down."
Gabi, verbatim: "You can't leave food out. They're like bears, you gotta tie it up in a tree."
Bree: "Gabi, did you ever think about parenting? Maybe give that a shot?"
Gabi: "No, not really. What goes on up here is mostly, like, beating up nuns or accusing my husband of his obvious latent homosexuality. That kind of thing. Self-hating minority stuff, sometimes, but mostly it's about putting on various outfits."
Mary Alice: "Yes, Bree Van de Kamp had finally met two pests she couldn't smash, poison or shoot. That's not to say she wasn't sorely tempted."
(Awful, right? She gets worse.)
SUSAN & PAUL
Mary Alice: "Good deeds aren't always done for the purest of reasons. We may be trying to impress, we may be acting out of guilt, we may be expecting something in return..."
Human Beings: "Who is this fucking 'we' you're always talking about? Assholes of America? Please, please stop patronizing me about your horrific values in that smug bitch voice."
Mary Alice: "...But occasionally, a good deed comes straight from the heart [and is royally ass-whupped accordingly]."
Susan: "Paul, I made you many sandwiches. Some of them have gravel in them, because I am a dolt who cannot make it across the street without fucking something up."
Paul, looking adorable: "Delicious! Now, why are you bugging me this week?"
Susan, verbatim: "You're my new project, Mister! Paul Young 2.0, where we figure out what you are doing with your life. Set some new goals. Now you tried destroying the neighborhood, that didn't work out. What's ?"
(Susan is totally awesome this entire episode. Don't worry, though: She'll be punished horrifically.)
Susan: "Holy SHIT! Felicia Tillman is standing right behind you!"
Paul: "Yeah, she kind of lives here, or something. We have a relationship built on mutual distrust and being hugely broken. You know how Renee and the other bitches you hang out with sometimes have a mutual respect even when they're pulling Edie Britt bullshit on each other? It's like that, only since I'm a man it's worth thinking about."
Felicia: "So, you're making sandwiches now?"
Susan: "I've been practicing, yeah."
Felicia: "And you're doing this for my buddy Paul?"
Susan: "Your buddy that you cut your fingers off to frame for murder?"
Paul & Felicia: "Don't even try to understand. We are on a whole other level than you are, and it'll just fuck up your mind. We have an agreement."
Susan: "You're fucking up my mind!"
Paul & Felicia: (Share a hilarious teamwork glance as Susan goes stumbling out into the street full of shock.)
Felicia: "That kind of thing is going to be happening a whole lot. Now, how about you give momma a footrub?"
SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF WISTERIA LANE, NATURALLY
Housewives: "So wait, she was Beth's mom?"
Susan: "Yeah, that part, too."
Housewives: "I hate how everybody on this street is a psychotic except us."
Lynette: (Plots the murders of her husband and children on a weekly basis; once invited a gay paramilitary group to start a riot outside her house that left one woman without a working kidney.)
Susan: (Once mailed her husband's child with his first wife all the way to Denver just for looking at her funny; miraculous recovery caused her to develop a gambling problem.)
Gabrielle: (Has given birth to both a floating balloon and an American Girl doll; regularly has people deported so that she can steal their children; killed her mother-in-law two times in a row.)
Bree: (See Appendix III, attached.)
Renee: (Has been in love with Tom Scavo for decades.)
Housewives: "Thank God we are mentally healthy. Why were you in their lair?"
Susan: "Because I have this whole Christian thing about charity and kindness, where we demonstrate compassion to those who are most in need of it rather of in the hopes of a future reward."
Bree: "That doesn't sound like any Christianity I'm familiar with."
Lynette: "I still hate Paul Young more than anybody else, despite having less reasons to do so than anybody else."
Housewives: "Stop feeding him. Don't even smile at him. time you see him, kick him in the depressed testicles."
Susan: "Depresticles. No, I'm going to keep being awesome. You bitches are such fucking hypocrites."
Lynette: "Hey, did you hear that Osama Bin Laden, along with twenty-one other people, was killed the other day?"
Bree: "Yes! I'm throwing a cocktail party. I love to celebrate death."
Susan: "That also sounds very un-Christian."
Bree: "No, I'm pretty sure you're wrong. Vengeance is yours, as the saying goes. It's both patriotic and ethically correct to cheer when people die. It's just like at a football game!"
Lynette: "Yeah, Susan. Are you saying you're sorry he's dead? Do you hate America?"
Susan: "No, because those aren't the only choices."
Lynette: "No, there's always a good guy and a bad guy. If one person is mean, that automatically makes the other person nice. It's the basis of the Real Housewives franchise and most cultural discourse in 2011."
Susan: "If somebody hits you, that's on them. If you hit them back, that's on you. You are now a slapper-of-people. You are less than you were."
Housewives: "We don't understand! America has a chronic case of borderline personality disorder!"
Susan: "Okay. Look, as long as your moral understanding is limited to this idea of there always being a good guy and a bad guy, you're always going to be the good guy. There is no check on your behavior, because you aren't operating from a mature, personal sense of responsibility. But nobody else is actually in charge of your behavior, and when you do barbaric shit like this, it only reflects on you. Stop giving yourself permission to behave this way, and start thinking about how you'd feel if it were any other country on earth throwing ticker-tape parades because some enemy was killed."
Susan: "I'm not sad he's dead, that's the point of war. The point of war is to solve the problem, and we solved the problem. There's nothing in there about cocktail parties. The only thing I'm sad about is that you're happy about it. Because that is grotesque and infantile."
Bree: "War is about celebrating the death of your enemies!"
Susan: "No. War is about resolving conflicts. What you're doing is what keeps war going. To the detriment of your own spirit. And to the lasting embarrassment of our country, on the world stage. Do you think terrorism will stop now? It's going to get worse. Possibly moreso, when they see us acting in such a trashy, graceless, indecorous way."
Bree: "So you hate the troops!"
Susan: "No. They did their job. And unlike you childish, hateful bitches, they actually understand that the price of war is being a killer. Actual soldiers understand that there's nothing to celebrate here, beyond the success of the mission."
Lynette: "You're spitting on the memory of those that died in 9/11!"
Susan: "No, actually you are. And it's not going to bring them back."
Bree: "But some people deserve to die!"
Susan: "Very Christian. You make America embarrassing, and not even for a good reason. You're just using this event to express negative feelings that have nothing to do with terror, or war, or anything other than your own repressed dissatisfaction and resentment, in a socially acceptable way. In front of the world. In front of your children."
Lynette: "You're acting like you're better than us!"
Susan: "And you're acting worse than you are, and it bums me out. Do you understand that two wrongs don't make a right? Like, the oldest human ethical concept?"
Lynette: "But sometimes you can bend the rules and be an asshole, if it feels good!"
Susan: "That's not how it works."
Bree: "Pretty sure Christianity says it is."
Susan: "I'm pretty sure you've never understood anything about being a Christian. The loudest ones usually don't."
LYNETTE & RENEE
Lynette: "I bought cheap champagne to celebrate the end of a decorating job!"
Renee: "I love making jokes about cheap champagne. They will flow like sparkling wine! Number one, 'Dan Perignon'? Is gross! When picking champagne, wordplay usually isn't a selling point."
Tom: "Ooh! Dan Perignon! What are we celebrating?"
Lynette: "We just cleared a whole $293 decorating job."
Renee: "Less three bucks on the wine!"
Lynette: "The glass is always half empty with you."
Renee: "No, it's half full. Of dog piss."
Tom, having somehow halfway through this scene ended up with Lynette's glass: "You guys, you should decorate my office!"
Renee: "That sounds stupid..."
Tom: "I have a budget of twenty grand."
Renee: "...Stupid awesome, I mean. I'll even whack the employee of your choice."
Tom: "Um, like kill them? Or fire them? Or..."
Renee: "It's your money, Big Dick McGee."
BREE & GABRIELLE
Bree: "Why are you arranging white roses in my sterling silver pitcher?"
Gabi: "Because the girls broke your mirror."
Bree: "...You mean my serving dish."
Gabi: "I mean both. But look how pretty!"
Bree: "I'm going to church. To pray that your children die."
Gabi: "Wow, you really don't get church, do you?"
Bree: "Why's this bike on the driveway behind my car? Why's this empty car blocking me in? Why does everything happen to me?"
(She sits down gingerly and honks the car's horn, waiting for its owner to appear.)
Detective Chuck Vance: (Appears. His face makes more sense when he's British, but he's still crazy hot either way.)
Bree: "Why are you blocking me in? I should have you arrested! For getting on my nerves! Don't you understand that I'm on my way to church? God is going to smack you for this. He's my special friend and does me special favors."
Detective Chuck Vance: "So you are confused about church and the legal system? Fairview really is a town full of assholes. Good thing I'm here being a police detective."
Bree: "I'm sorry, I just have these Mexicans in my house and it's stressing me out. Can I borrow your gun?"
Detective Chuck Vance, verbatim: "To... Shoot the children?"
Bree, laughing crazily: "No! That was a joke. A little joke about killing children, just to break the ice. I have my own guns! I'm packing three pieces on me right now! If I was going to shoot the children dead, I'd just use one of them."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Okay, it was nice meeting you."
Bree: "Oh sorry, did I totally freak you out with how totally freaky I am?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "My unbreaking creepy stare isn't phasing you. I think we might be in love. I'll be back at some coincidental time to hit on you some more, okay?"
Bree: "Okay, I'll tell God not to mess with you."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Oh. Um, cool. And hey, if Felicia Tillman does anything nutty let me know, okay? I'm involved in that storyline somehow."
BREE & GABRIELLE SOME MORE
Celia & Juanita: (Raising hell.)
Bree: "I'm not saying I'm an expert on parenting, I'm just saying would you rather your girls be amazing individuals, or do you want them having mysterious babies and prostituting themselves to old men, like my kids?"
Gabi: "I'm just cool with letting them do whatever they want."
Bree: "I am a far, far better person than you are. I'm starting a new lipgloss called Jesus Barbie, that's how in touch with reality I am."
Gabi: "You know what? Have at it. Worst-case scenario, they tie you up and set you on fire. Best-case scenario, all three of you bitches stop screaming. Either way, your moral upper hand here is nonexistent."
Bree, verbatim: "Girls, I need to talk to you."
Juanita, verbatim: "Not now, we're playing Death Match."
Bree, verbatim: "We do not fight in this house! With pillows made of hand-dyed silk! Now, I am going to count to three. One... Two... Do you know what happens after three?"
Juanita: "Um, four? Jackass?"
Bree, verbatim: "Put the pillows down. Now. I am sure you've heard the expression My house my rules?"
Juanita: "Only when my daddy hits my mommy."
Bree, verbatim: "As long as you are staying here with me, you will behave properly. You will mind your manners, you will do your chores, you will listen when spoken to, and... Where are they going?"
Gabi, verbatim: "Hmm? I wasn't paying attention. What were you telling 'em?"
Bree: "Time for Phase II! Where I stomp my little feet!"
Gabi: "They are going to railroad you, and it is going to be so awesome. These meaningless little successes make me feel like I have control over my life."
Bree: "That is the definition of womanhood."
LYNETTE, RENEE & TOM
Renee: "Good thing my tits are amazing or this low-riding top would look real sad."
Lynette: "I keep a list of reasons to hate my kids. Your breasts are #5."
Renee: "I like rich men and sex and money."
Lynette: "I hate all of those things. Where is my stupid husband, it's been forty-five minutes."
Renee: "Yeah, get resentful and bitchy right before the business meeting. Good call."
Tom: "Ladies, ladies, sorry about the inconvenience. You wouldn't understand the life of a businessperson, but it can be time-consuming."
Lynette: "Remember when Susan was a highly paid graphic artist? And I was a high-powered businesswoman?"
Desperate Housewives: "Nope!"
Lynette: "Essentially, what I'm envisioning for your office is basically what would happen if a gay yuppie loft in San Francisco met Martha Stewart and they all fucked Laura Ashley. You know, homey, shabby-chic. Linen sofa, backlit tampon dispenser..."
Tom: "Of all the retcons on this show, my giant penis was the dumbest one, so let's forget that and go full-overcompensating. You know, samurai swords and dragon lamps and swordfish. Basically instead of furniture I want erect penises thrusting and jutting up out of every surface."
Renee: "...Keep talking."
Tom: "Have you heard of Donald Trump?"
Lynette: "No, I wasn't allowed to go to a seminar one time."
Tom: "Well, nobody on this planet is more secure in his masculinity than Donald Trump, so I think I should decorate like him. Here is a picture I pulled out of Wannabes Monthly, The Magazine For Men Who Got Lost Along The Way."
Lynette, verbatim: "Are you... Planning to take over the world with your death ray?"
Tom: "I think this is impressive. Speaking as the three-beer queer you married, I'd think you'd understand what I mean."
Lynette: "I wish I had a nut-shrinking ray."
Renee: "Lynette, shut up. Tom, you're our client. I will call The Donald."
Tom: (Thinks about calling himself The Tom.)
Lynette: "Stop that right now."
Renee: "Tom, your virile self deserves a virile-appearing office. We'll be back with sketches. We're here to do what you want."
Lynette: "...We absolutely cannot do what he wants."
Renee: "It's his space. He is a paying client. What part of this aren't you getting?"
Lynette: "Any of it. Any of the parts."
Renee: "I cannot believe you said 'soft wood' to your husband where somebody could hear you."
Lynette: "Essentially anything that comes out of my mouth is a synonym for that anyway."
SUSAN & FELICIA
Susan: "Ack! Felicia, get the fuck away from my house!"
Felicia: "Sorry, I just missed my daughter that I talked into committing suicide, and once I got bored of talking to her ashes I thought I might come stare creepily at your kidney."
Susan: "That makes complete sense to me. Come right in. Hey, you haven't been having sex dreams about me, have you? Because sometimes that happens, too."
Felicia: "So you've... Graduated to pot pies."
Susan: "No, this is one of the episodes where I know how to cook. And have a nut allergy. Despite neither of those things being true, oftentimes."
Felicia: "Not even the writers give a shit about this show, do they? Do they just grab the loudest asshole homeless person yelping about welfare cases and chuck 'em in the writers' room? Do you have to know anything about the show before you join the staff?"
Susan: "I prefer to think of it as aggression toward the viewer."
Felicia: "You're probably wondering while I'm here, with my no fingers and crazy eyes."
Susan: "No, I have no friends. Chillin' with psychos is pretty much all I've got to do, now that all my cancer friends are dead and I no longer get to have dialysis for six hours a day, three times a week."
Felicia: "Susan, you make me and my awful sister seem nearly competent, socially speaking. I'm surprised you weren't friends with my Beth."
Susan: "No, that was before my complete personality turnaround over the last ten minutes. Hey, I like your one crazy glove that clearly has less than five fingers in there! Way less disconcerting that way. You're like the King of Pop!"
Felicia: "Listen, could you leave the room for a second so I can do absolutely nothing suspicious to Paul's food?"
Susan: "Sure thing!"
FELICIA & "BETH"
Felicia: "Can of Beth Ashes, I love our time together where I read to you from the Poison Control handbook. Just like when you were a little girl."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So you're poisoning Paul's food that Susan is making? Have you thought this through? Because that means spending a lot of time with her."
Felicia: "No, she's being totally cool right now. It's weird."
Can Of Beth Ashes: "So, tell me in utterly scintillating detail exactly what's going to happen with this poison thing."
Felicia: "[Agonizingly detailed and not very interesting and full of big words that she weirdly has to sound out] followed by cardiovascular dysfunction and acute renal failure, then death. He'll think it's a heart attack!"
Can Of Beth Ashes: "I'm glad my kidney is your all-day pass to fucking over Susan Delfino. I wish I could hug you, but I'm a pile of corpse ashes."
(Ludicrous/enjoyably creative montage: Felicia injects while helping unload a naked ten-pound turkey that's apparently just sitting in Susan's shopping bags juicing all over her stuff; Felicia pours poison in an apple pie after bouncing a ball across the kitchen to distract Susan; Felicia sneaks up behind Susan at the grocery store and, undetected, trades poisoned OJ for the regular OJ in Susan's basket; Susan forces Paul to take his meds with poisoned OJ. It's all totally fun.)
Felicia: "Hey, Susan! How is Paul? Does he look like he's having renal failure?"
Susan: "I hope not, he might have to get dialysis for six hours, three times a week. Did I ever tell you..."
Felicia: "Nothing going on with his heart or his other parts?"
Susan: "Well, overall he looks like he's dying. I'm going to have to keep feeding him more."
Felicia: "Yeah. ...More poison!"
CARLOS & JUANITA & THE OTHER JUANITA
Gabi: "Carlos, when are you going to chill?"
Carlos: "Whenever you decide to do whatever I say, like a proper wife."
Gabi: "Okay. Give it 'til the end of the episode."
Juanita: "Daddy, why are you whining and throwing huge stupid hissyfits like Tom Scavo?"
Carlos: "Because Bree Van de Kamp killed your grandmother and namesake. With an axe. She lay in wait outside Grandma's gingerbread house, until she was just coming home with some presents for you, and then jumped out and hacked her limb from limb. It was grisly and it took a long time. Your grandmother had a lot of prostheses -- new hips, a pacemaker -- and some of that stuff you can't really get with an axe. So once the pieces were more manageable, Bree Van de Kamp got down on her hands and knees and just started gnawing."
MIKE & SUSAN
Mike: "We have a bunch of money now!"
Susan: "That's better than having sex with you, animated piece of cardboard!"
Mike: "Thanks to your gambling habit, we can afford a husband we both like. And thanks also to our American healthcare system for being the best in the world. In Republican imaginary Fairview, where you come out ahead financially when you get sick, I mean."
Susan: "What are we going to do with all this money?"
Mike: "I'm thinking a subprime loan so we can get our house back."
Susan: "But what about Paul and Felicia?"
Mary Alice: "Yes, Susan Delfino occasionally found her home invaded by household pests, and her manner of dealing with them was..."
Mike: "We don't give a shit about them. Remember?"
Susan: "Oh, quick update..."
Mike: "How about... Maybe moving out of a house filled with memories of Beth would be good for him."
Susan: "Am I supposed to believe that you are suddenly interested in Paul's wellbeing?"
Mike: "On this show, are you kidding? Look, either you're the husband or you're the wife. Either you're the bleeding-heart sucker, or the Fountainhead. Since I'm the man in this relationship, your kindness is clearly misguided."
Susan: "In Fairview, every day is Asshole Day."
Mike, verbatim: "Look, I don't like the guy. I never will. But as long as you're taking him under your wing, why can't we get something out of it?"
Mary Alice: "After all, that's what charity is all about... On Asshole Day!"
CARLOS & JUANITA & CELIA & BREE
Carlos: "Now that I've told you a ridiculous and untrue story about your mom shacking up with a murderer, are you ready to go back home?"
Juanita: "Sure!"
Juanita: "Hey, Celia. Get this."
Back home, Bree -- holding gardening clippers and looking like a crazy Marvel Comics villain -- jumps out of the bushes at them: "Hi, girls! Are you ready to discuss my rules?"
Girls: "Yes, ma'am."
LATER
Gabi: "I am so high right now! Are my kids back yet?"
Bree: "Yes, they are steaming Brussels sprouts and mortifying their flesh in the other room."
Gabi: "What did you do. Did you start hitting them? I was going to suggest hitting them."
Bree: "No, I just brandished a weapon."
Gabi: "I should have thought of that."
Gabi: "Hey, Juanita. Bree's in the bathroom -- just tidying up, because of course Bree doesn't use the bathroom -- so you can drop the act."
Juanita: "What-act-Mommy."
Gabi: "Is somebody making you say this? Blink if you're being controlled."
Juanita, unblinking: "No-Mommy-everything-is-fine."
Gabi: "I really need to sabotage her parenting to feel good about myself. Please, please eat this tray of brownies."
Juanita: "No-Mommy-an-apple-is-healthier-for-growing-girls."
Gabi, verbatim: "What did she do to you? How did she break you?"
TOM & RENEE & LYNETTE
Renee: "Lynette, why does it look like Roseanne Barr decorated Tom's office?"
Lynette: "That's the look I was going for."
Renee: "You literally have a mental problem. This is not normal. This is micromanagement on a scale I haven't seen since... Last week's episode."
BREE & GABRIELLE & DETECTIVE CHUCK VANCE & CARLOS
(Bree, stalking the halls of her mansion like she does every night ever since Jesus told her she doesn't need sleep, notes that a pillow has fallen from the bed where the girls are sleeping. She picks it up with a tender smile, and Juanita awakes.)
Juanita: "ACK! A STRETCHED-OUT ALIEN MURDERER! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE?"
Bree: "Chill out, my God. You'd think I was about to smother you with this pillow!"
Celia: "SHE'S GOING TO SMOTHER US WITH A PILLOW!"
(The girls lock themselves in the bathroom and dial 911. Because she has never had children for nine years, Gabi can't think to do anything but call her big strong bear of a husband to come over and break down the bathroom door that forms the girls' panic room.)
Detective Chuck Vance: "I answer house calls from little girls sometimes. What's going on here?"
Carlos: "What's going on here?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Apparently you told Juanita that Bree killed her grandmother?"
Carlos, now sober: "No, I said I missed my wife just like when my mom died, and that I blamed Bree. How confusing for children that must have been."
Detective Chuck Vance: "No, you just explained a whole lot about your psyche. Anyway, I'm out. Bree, can you walk me to my car? I'm scared of Felicia."
Detective Chuck Vance: "I honestly thought you were going to murder those two little girls, like you told me you were going to. Since you didn't, can I ask you on a date?"
Bree: "Yes, you may."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Then maybe I will. At a later time. Peace!"
Bree: "Carlos, thanks for covering for me. After all, that crime -- which wasn't a crime, never occurred, and with which I was utterly unconnected -- could have really bit me in the perimenopause."
Carlos: "First of all, 'peri' my ass. Second of all, I did it for Andrew. We're going 'camping' weekend and I don't feel like smooth-talking him any more than I have to. Third of all, you can still get the fuck out of my house."
Bree: "Actually this is my house, but I know what you mean."
Bree: "Gabi, I'm sorry but you have to move out."
Gabi: "What? Why?"
Bree: "Because men are always right. I forgot for a second."
Gabi: "Can we at least have phone sex?"
Bree: "...Fine. But only right before church, so it doesn't count."
Gabi: "But that's not how... Sure, fine. Whatever."
SUSAN & FELICIA
Susan: "Felicia! Try these brownies you just poisoned!"
Felicia: "I'm afraid not. Ever since I chopped off my own fingers, I've lost the taste for chocolate. The Fairview medical community said that's where your taste buds are located."
Susan: "I must insist! I have a nut allergy that directly contradicts continuity!"
Felicia: "Fine."
Susan: "How do they taste?"
Felicia: "Like I just got poisoned. I gotta go."
(Felicia barfs in her purse. It's real weird to watch. At least she is dedicated to her ridiculous urn-chatting cause.)
LYNETTE & RENEE & TOM
Lynette: "Sorry I had to go over your head about the professional business we both own and operate."
Renee: "Sorry I had to go over your head because you're a mental case."
Lynette: "What do you mean?"
(Tom opens his office door to reveal a carnival carousel of giant penises thrusting up and down in time to the music. Most of them are African-American, because that's how straight guys are.)
Tom: "I only wish it could also spurt flames periodically. Or just go ahead and shoot hot white semen all over my face whenever I push a button."
Lynette: "Renee, I can't believe you actually acceded to our client's wishes! How unprofessional!"
Tom: "Lynette, I think we're out of the woods. This proves that you get me, and thus our marriage is not a total sham."
Renee, secretly: "No, what it means is that I totally get you, and once Lynette burns you out and drowns all your children, I'll have you all to myself."
Mary Alice: "You'll be seeing a mixed-race marriage on this show right around the time Gabrielle and Bree actually do eat each other out, but thanks for the vote of confidence."
Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"
(Reeee-wind.)
Tom, verbatim: "...What is it about leather that just says, I own your ass?"
Renee: "Okay, maybe that office is not the Tom who's been pitching in with carpool the past few years -- by which I mean, doing woman's work -- but the Tom who's running this company? Yeah, it is, and you need to accept that."
Lynette: "Don't you tell me about reality. I hate reality!"
Renee: "Lynette don't fuck this up don't fuck this up don't fuck this up..."
Lynette: "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to fuck this up."
Lynette: "Get your gay ass off that leather sofa and come over here. This is embarrassing."
Tom: "No, Lynette. This is my life. You fence in my masculinity all the time and I'm not having it. My masculinity is rampant. Rampant!"
Lynette: "God, my idiotic made-up GOP version of feminism is the pits."
Tom: "I hate you more right now than I have ever hated you. And since I finally have a job for the first time in my entire life, you'd better watch your ass."