By DeAnn Welker
We pick up right where the first hour left off, with MJ and Susan headed to the lake of death with Creepy Dave, Carlos and Gaby welcoming a teenager into their home, Bree hating Orson, Mike and Katherine headed to Vegas to get married, and Mrs. McCluskey and her sister closing in on the truth. There's also the small matter of Tom and Lynette. Turns out Tom's a great drunk test-taker, so he aced his and got into school. Lynette goes to see the doctor, thinking she has the cancer again. Turns out she's actually pregnant with twins. She only wishes it were cancer.
Gaby makes a speech about how she wants to be there for this teenage niece of Carlos's, and then she meets the girl, who is totally hot and basically a prostitute. She gets college boys to buy her Versace and Vera Wang, and younger boys (the Scavos, for example) to do her chores. Gaby doesn't like this, so the little brat pretends to cry and Carlos takes her side. Bree, meanwhile, tells Karl that Orson's blackmailing her into staying, so Karl sends a thug to threaten Orson into leaving. Orson's about to, but Bree convinces him she'd never do that to him, so he's glad they've resolved this and he's staying. Bree goes to lecture Karl for being such a dirtbag, but he knows she likes it and they end up making out. It's pretty disgusting that it's Karl, but at least Bree can finally enjoy her marriage thanks to infidelity.
As for the big stuff, Katherine and Mike are headed to Vegas on their wedding day, but Mike's worried after Creepy Dave's look at the end of the first hour. He only cheers up after calling Susan, so Katherine gets jealous. When she goes to get cappuccinos, she accidentally turns on the video camera, which has Creepy Dave's tape in it. Mike catches the whole thing, tells a lady in the airport to tell Katherine it's an emergency and he had to leave, and takes off. The message is lost in translation, though, as the lady just tells Katherine that Mike said he was sorry. He's headed toward the lake, but calls Susan to clue her in. She actually does a decent job of not reacting, especially for Susan, and then fills MJ up with juice so Creepy Dave will have to stop and let him pee. Then she hits Creepy Dave over the head and tries to run. Unfortunately, she's totally clumsy and MJ's not that good at following instructions to hide, so they're back in the car again before long. Mike calls, though, and talks Creepy Dave into meeting up with him. Creepy Dave's plan is to go to the same intersection where his wife and child were killed and let Mike come barreling down and kill MJ while Susan, tied to a sign nearby, watches. She gets herself untied almost in time to stop Mike, but not quite, and he hits the car. Fortunately, though, Creepy Dave had a last-second change of heart and let MJ out of the car, and only he was injured. He fantasizes about his dead wife and child as Mike and Susan kiss in the street. Then there's a wedding. The groom is Mike, and neither Susan or Katherine are among those in attendance, so this show actually thinks we'll be on the edges of our seats to see who Mike married. Because marriage means so much on this show.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo is skeptical of the Housewives' problems on No Prior Knowledge!
No break between the first hour and this one. Just a "Three Years Earlier" title card, and then Mary Alice talking about Lila Dash. The first thing she thought about "that fateful morning" was her husband, Dave. She wanted to buy him a new tie. She thought of him that afternoon, too, when she decided to make him a special dinner. That evening, she thought about him again, as she watched him with their daughter. She wondered what she'd done to deserve someone so wonderful. He sees her gazing and asks what she's thinking about. She asks if they should all go for ice cream. He says he'd love to, but he brought work home. She asks, "Again?" He knows he's boring, but thinks they should go without him. She says they'll just wait and go tomorrow, but he tells Paige to look sad and tells Lila he can't make that face wait a whole day for ice cream. She gives in, and takes her. Before they leave, Dave stops them and says he'll leave his briefcase at the office the night and do something special. She says it's a date, and then leaves. Mary Alice tells us there would be no tomorrows for Lila and Paige, because that was the night they crashed into Susan and Mike. We see Lila dead in her car, and Mary Alice tells us that the last thing Lila thought about was Dave. She wondered what her death would do to him. As Dave's driving Susan and MJ toward their deaths, Mary Alice says that luckily for Lila, she would never know. Credits.
There's a wedding at Fairview Presbyterian, but none of us really care, because it's no one we know. All we need to know is that the church bells ring, which is getting Katherine all excited back at their place as she and Mike pack for Vegas. She says, "Hello, groom" to him and then tells him the hotel upgraded them to a suite for free since it's their wedding. He's all, "Yeah, great." She hopes he can get more enthusiastic about the actual wedding. He says he was thinking about MJ and Susan because he got a weird vibe from Creepy Dave when they left. Katherine, possibly the smartest person on this show, says Creepy Dave always gives off a weird vibe. She won't let him call, because she says if they miss their flight, they miss their wedding day, and if they miss that, they miss their wedding night. He says she's right; he's probably worried about nothing. She says they need to stop at the store for videotape for the camera, but he tells her to just grab an old one out of the desk. She grabs the MJ tape (labeled "Band") that Creepy Dave just gave Mike.
Gaby and Carlos are standing on their porch waiting for their teenager to arrive. He asks if she's nervous, and she says she's not, but she is sedated. He's also freaked out, but says they're doing the right thing. Gaby agrees, especially when she thinks about everything that girl's been through: Her mom moved out, her dad's in jail, she's been bounced around from relative to relative. Gaby hopes this is the end of the road for her. Juanita says a taxi's coming, and Carlos wonders if she'll remember him, since she hasn't seen him since she was six. He used to spend a lot of time with her and her dad. He remembers taking her on the swings, buying her ice cream, giving her piggy-back rides. A totally grown-up girl in a skimpy outfit gets out of the cab, and Carlos says he doesn't remember that.
Karl can't believe Bree told Orson about the divorce, but she says Orson found the storage unit and she was in such a state of shock she didn't know what else to say. Karl says this isn't good, and Bree says he has no idea, since Orson is threatening to report her for filing a false insurance claim. She says Orson filed it, but is going to say that she told him to. She says she told Orson she doesn't love him, but he wants to work on their marriage. Karl says that the man is clearly a little crazy. Bree: "A little? The man put chives in my Parisian salad! He should be in a straitjacket!" Karl asks her to calm down, since this isn't the end of the world. She thinks it actually might be. Karl puts his hand on Bree's shoulder and tells her not to worry; they'll think of something. She says Orson's holding all the cards, but he says no one ever holds all the cards.
Lynette's brushing her hair in her bathroom when she seems to feel some sort of pain. She puts her hand to her face, breathes heavily, and moves slowly. Then Tom calls for her to get downstairs, so she does. He tells her that the university called, and he's in. She asks if he passed, and he says he scored in the top five percent, while drunk out of his mind. Then he tells the kids he is not condoning that, ever. The kids all congratulate him, but Porter adds that if they see each other on campus, Porter's not allowed to talk to him. Tom says this calls for hot fudge sundaes, so everyone heads to the car. Lynette has to make a quick phone call first. She calls her doctor and tells him she needs to come in, because she thinks the cancer's back.
Creepy Dave continues driving Susan and MJ toward their demise. MJ asks for a juice box, but Susan says he just had one, and she doesn't want to have to stop ten times for him to go to the bathroom. MJ sighs, "I miss diapers." Everyone giggles, and Susan says, "The joys of being a parent." Creepy Dave says he remembers, and Susan asks what he means. He says he had a little girl and she died. Susan tells him she had no idea and is so sorry. He says it's okay, because he's learning to deal with it.
Mrs. McCluskey and Roberta are going into Creepy Dave's with the key Edie gave Mrs. McCluskey. (She only used it when she was out of milk or bread. Or cash.) Roberta heads straight for the liquor, which she'd like to get to the bottom of before doing any investigating. She finds Creepy Dave's briefcase full of pills (prescribed to David Dash) on the bar. The police knock on the front door; they want to talk to Dave. The ladies hide behind the counter, but another detective can see them through the side door, and asks them to open up.
Orson's coming down the outdoor stairs of Bree's office. A guy is waiting for him and asks if he's Orson. The guy starts choking Orson, and asks if he wants him to let go. Orson does. The guys says he let go, and now Orson needs to do the same. Orson doesn't know what he means, but the guy says he thinks he does. He says if Orson doesn't let go, he won't let go time either.
Gaby brings Ana a laundry basket and asks if she'd like to know how to use the washer. She says the girls have chores too, which is how they teach them responsibility. She tells Ana that her curfew is 10 o'clock, 11 on weekends. Ana's like, "No problem." Gaby thinks the teenager thing isn't so bad. Ana asks what her other chores are and Gaby says she'd like her to sweep the front porch and clean the guest bathroom. Gaby finds a Versace dress in Ana's room and says it's great. Ana says it's all right, so Gaby tells her that if she lives under Gaby's roof, she will not disparage Versace. Ana's all, "The hell?" But Gaby says she was joking. Ana: "Okay. Funny." But without cracking a smile. Then Gaby notices a Vera Wang. She wonders where Ana's getting these dresses. They were gifts from boyfriends. Gaby asks how many she has, and Ana says not as many as before, since she had to make some cutbacks. Ana says they're college guys with rich parents. Gaby asks what she gives them in return. Ana says she just gives them the pleasure of her company. She says she doesn't have to do anything; they just have to think she might. Gaby asks how long she thinks that will last, and Ana says, "Till 10 o'clock. 11 on the weekends." Gaby doesn't crack a smile, so Ana says, "Just kidding. It was a joke." Gaby, still not smiling. "Oh. Funny."
Bree comes home to find a disheveled Orson, with his shirt all unbuttoned. She asks if he's all right, and what happened to his shirt. He tells her to ask the friend she hired to assault him. She is shocked he was assaulted. He says the guy grabbed him, threw him to the ground, and told him to "let go." He says her message came through loud and clear, but she says she had nothing to do with it. He asks who else would have done it, and she says she doesn't know, but she swears she'd never hire someone to attack him. He believes her. He says he should have known he could never hurt her. Then he picks up his suitcase and says he'll stay. He says once he's unpacked, he'll bring the shirt so she can mend it. She's all, "What?!"
Ana's sitting on the front porch in skimpy shorts, when Gaby and Carlos head to the store. She says she'll sweep the porch while they're gone, and Gaby asks her to make sure Juanita and Celia do their chores, too. She says she will, then she looks down the street, where the three Scavo boys are playing ball. Carlos and Gaby return home with the groceries. Gaby heads in and cannot believe how clean the house is. She asks how Ana got everything done so quickly, but on cue, the Scavo boys run down and ask if there's anything else she needs done. Ana explains they wanted to hang out, but she had chores to do, so they volunteered. Gaby thanks the boys and asks them to go home and take a cold shower. Juanita tells Gaby how cool it was that Ana got the boys to do her chores, too. She asks her mom if she can teach her to make boys do stuff. Gaby sends Juanita to her room until she's 18.
Ana asks Gaby if something's wrong, and she says the whole point of chores is to do them yourself, not to bat your eyes and call "Rent a Horny Kid." Ana wonders why Gaby cares how the house got clean. Gaby says she cares about the message it sends to her daughters, and about Ana's tone. Ana gets even snottier, and says, "Oh, I'm sorry. How do you like your housekeepers to speak to you?" Gaby laughs. She tells Ana she wants her to be part of the family, but in exchange she needs to show them respect and obey their rules. She says that means doing her own chores, no boys in the house, and no gifts from men. Ana glares and says she gets it now: Gaby's jealous because she's not young anymore and can't get guys to do things for her. Gaby tells Ana if she makes one more statement like that, she's throwing her out on the street. Ana storms out.
On the porch, she looks sort of sad until she sees Carlos, when she starts sobbing. He asks what's wrong, and she says she doesn't know what she did, but Gaby wants to kick her out. Inside, Carlos says that having boys come over and do her chores is the kind of stuff Gaby's been doing her whole life. Gaby says the point is the way Ana talked to her. Carlos says he doesn't care, and that you don't tell a kid who's been bounced around that you're going to throw her out on the street. Carlos says Gaby's the adult and should start acting like it. He storms off, and Ana walks in and glares at Gaby like, "I won."
Mrs. McCluskey is telling the detectives that she knows it looks bad, but they did what they did for a good reason. The detective says there's never a good reason to break in to a house. Roberta asks what if there's a baby inside and there's a fire. Mrs. McCluskey asks Roberta not to piss him off, because she can't take a blow to the head like she used to. The other detective comes in and tells the one questioning them that David Dash was a patient of Heller's, and that's why they couldn't put it together sooner; he changed his name. Oh, and his wife and daughter were killed in the car crash up on Canterbury Road. Mrs. McCluskey remembers that accident: Mike and Susan were in the car. Roberta wonders why Creepy Dave would move onto the same street as the people who killed his family. Gee, I wonder.
In a doctor's office, Lynette worries and grills the nurse, who says she doesn't know anything. The doctor comes in, and Lynette's prepared to hear she has cancer. The doctor says that, actually, she's pregnant. She's like, "Excuse me? ...Are you sure it's not cancer?"
In the airport, Mike's all smiles on his cell phone, telling Susan to put sunscreen on her feet, and talking about their trip to Mexico. When he hangs up, he tells Katherine everything's fine. She asks him if he's sure he wants to do this: go to Vegas and get married. She says this is a whole weekend away from Susan. Mike says he just wanted to make sure MJ was okay, but Katherine says it's their wedding day and he was in a crappy mood until he talked to Susan. Mike says he wouldn't be sitting here if he didn't want to marry her. He threatens to shout it out in the airport to prove his love, but she stops him. Then she says she's dying for a cappuccino, and he says he'd like one, too. When she reaches into her purse, she clicks on the video camera, then she leaves. Mike hears Creepy Dave talking inside the purse and pulls out the camera just in time to hear him talking about why he didn't just kill Susan, and then about taking the life of a young boy. Mike jumps up and tells the lady across from their seat to tell Katherine he had to go; that it's an emergency. He takes off running. Katherine comes back and sees him gone. The lady totally misrepresents Mike, saying, that Mike "had to leave. He said to say he's sorry." Katherine looks totally sad.
Bree storms into Karl's office to ask what he was thinking. He wants to know if it worked first, but she asks if he hired someone to attack Orson. She calls the guy a "thug," but Karl says they needed to regain the upper hand. Bree says she never would have allowed this, and he says that's why he didn't ask her. She says that Karl keeps pulling her deeper and deeper into his moral cesspool, which is not why she hired him. He tells her to face the fact that that is why she hired him, because she was tired of being a good girl and wanted to play dirty. She says he's turned her into someone she doesn't recognize. He says she's loved every minute, and so has he. He tells her she's the most fascinating woman he's ever met. He walks toward her, and she says she detests him. He can see she wants him to come over and kiss her until her knees buckle. She fires him, and he says that's good, so this isn't a breach of ethics. He walks over and kisses her. He stops, and she says that her knees haven't buckled yet, so he kisses her again. And this time, she kisses back.
Mike's driving like a maniac and calling Susan. They're singing, "There was an old woman who swallowed a fly," and laughing. Mike asks where Susan is, and she says they're in the car singing. He tells her not to react to what he's about to say. She says this sounds really... but he interrupts and says, "Susan! Do you understand me?" She agrees, and he says that Dave's real name is David Dash, the husband of Lila. Susan says, "Oh my god," but Mike reminds her not to react. Creepy Dave asks if there's a problem, so Susan says it sucks that they canceled Mike's flight. Mike tells Susan they're in danger and to get away from him at a gas station or store, any place there's people. Mike's on his way, so Susan asks how long he will be delayed. He's about a half-hour from the lake, and is calling the cops. He tells her to get away and call as soon as she does. She says okay, and that she hopes he gets there soon. She hangs up, and Creepy Dave says it's a drag that they bumped Mike's flight. Then he starts another round of the song and when they get to "Perhaps she'll die," it's totally ominous. Hopefully, Susan and MJ don't swallow any flies.
After commercial, Susan asks if they can stop and stretch their legs. Creepy Dave would like to just keep going. She asks if he's hungry, though, and could they stop and eat. He says he really doesn't want to stop, so she says okay; it was no big deal. She sneaks a juice box out of her purse and hands it to MJ.
Lynette arrives home, where Tom's laying out all of his new college gear, all excited. He got pens, notebooks, an English-to-Mandarin dictionary. He also got scented highlighters. She just glares at him, and then says she went to the doctor today. He asks what's wrong, and she says she's pregnant. He's all, "With a baby?!" She asks how long he's been sniffing his markers. He says, "But you can't. We can't. We're old." She says they're apparently not old enough. He wonders about school, and she wonders about her job. They sit and stare ahead. He says, "We're going to have another baby." She says there's actually an addendum: They're having twins. Again. Wow, someone should have had a vasectomy.
Susan's plan is working in the car, as MJ has to go potty. Susan asks if they can pull over at the rest stop. Creepy Dave asks if MJ can hold it, but he can't. Susan asks MJ to hold on, and Creepy Dave swerves onto the side of the road. Susan says he can't go here, but Creepy Dave says he's a big boy and can use the bushes. MJ and Susan head off to pee, and Creepy Dave's phone rings. It's the police detective, who tells him they know everything. He says that if Creepy Dave comes in now, he'll do everything he can to help him, but let's end this before someone gets hurt. Too late, though, since Susan bangs Creepy Dave over the head with a rock and knocks him out. She tries to start the car, but the keys aren't there. She reaches for Creepy Dave's pocket, but he grabs her hand. She tells MJ to run, and says they're playing a game with Dave. They run, but Susan trips over a knotty piece of wood. MJ asks if she's okay, but she really doesn't seem to be. Creepy Dave is yelling for them, so Susan tells MJ how important it is to win this game. She tells him to find a good hiding place and not to come out even if he hears Dave. He takes off.
Creepy Dave immediately walks up and asks where MJ is. He tells Susan she isn't messing this up, and tells her to call him. She yells, "MJ! Don't come out!" Mike hits her on the shoulder and heads off into a graveyard to look for MJ. He hollers for him, and says he'll let him drive the boat. He even tells him they'll leave without him if he doesn't come out. He's walking with a gun, though, so maybe that is scaring MJ off. Creepy Dave sees MJ's hand on the other side of a tombstone, and I have to say that it might have been more effective for Susan to actually tell MJ this wasn't a game. I get that he's a kid, but if you put some fear in him, he might not have just wandered among headstones and instead he might have actually, you know, hidden. Instead, Creepy Dave walks over to Susan, holding MJ, who says, "Mommy, wake up. I get to drive the boat."
Back in the car, Susan puts MJ's headphones on him and tells him to keep the volume high so he can't hear the boring grown-up talk. Creepy Dave has a gun pointed at Susan. She asks what he's going to do, and he tells her to shut up so he can think. He starts driving, and Susan tells him how sorry she is about the accident. She says he doesn't want to hurt them, because he's a good person. He tells her not to analyze him, since the last person who did that didn't turn out so well. Susan then says he won't get away with it since Mike already called the cops. Susan's phone rings, and it's Mike. Creepy Dave picks up and tells Mike they're not at the lake, since he screwed up his plans. Mike tells Creepy Dave that if he wants revenge, he should let them go and take him instead. Creepy Dave asks Mike how it feels to know you can't save the people that you love? Hopeless? Like your life has no meaning? Mike pleads with him. He says he's on Route 12, which is intriguing to Creepy Dave. He says Mike should be the one, but if he sees a cop car, Susan and MJ are both dead. Creepy Dave tells him to meet him near the intersection of Route 12 and Canterbury Road.
After he hangs up, Susan remembers that Canterbury Road is where they had the accident. Creepy Dave agrees. It's dark when he pulls up to the intersection. He asks Susan if it looks familiar. She asks what he's doing. He says he thought it would be poetic, that Mike will be here any minute. She asks him not to hurt Mike, since it wasn't his fault. Creepy Dave says, no, it was Susan's fault, but Mike wants to be the hero, so ... He tells Susan to get out, but she won't leave MJ. Creepy Dave says MJ's coming, but he has to set her up first. He points the gun at her and tells her to get out. Outside, he's tying Susan to a sign, when he says that, actually, MJ is staying with him. He says they're going to pull out into the intersection just as Mike comes barreling down the road, and Susan will be tied up watching as Mike kills her child, just like she killed his. He says he told her it was poetic. Susan pleads with him not to kill her little boy. He tells her to shut up and storms off. She asks if this is how he'd want his daughter to see him now -- as a monster who could murder an innocent child. He stops, looks like it might be sinking in, and says he's not a monster. But he keeps walking.
In the car, MJ's asleep. Creepy Dave unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to drive forward. But in the rearview mirror, he sees Paige in MJ's place. He looks sad and teary. Mike's headlights pull into view as Susan struggles to untie herself. She screams "Mike" and finally gets untied. She jumps out into the road, but it's too late, and Mike crashes into Creepy Dave's car. She screams, "No!" And then "MJ." She runs toward the car calling for him. He comes from around the corner and hollers, "Mama." She asks if he's okay, and he says Dave told him to get out of the car. So Susan calls for Mike, who gets out of the car and runs to her. They all hug, and then Mike and Susan kiss. MJ looks over Mike's shoulder at Creepy Dave, who looks dead in his car. Then his eyes open, and he flashes back to the ice cream date. But when he stops them at the door to make the plans about the night, this time he tells them to stay in and have s'mores instead. The little girl says, "Yeah," and she might be the creepiest kid I've ever seen. She should be in a scary movie. Or, you know, playing the daughter of the creepiest man on TV. Creepy Dave says he always has time for his girls. And he says it again as the camera pans out of his open eye. We see he's in a padded cell in a mental institution in Boston.
Mary Alice returns for more voiceover to tell us about another wedding at Fairview Presbyterian. She says the minister spoke about the nature of marriage: the sublime joy of giving birth (Lynette runs out to be sick); the immense pleasure of raising a family (Gaby trying to stop Ana from flirting with an oldster); the importance of lifelong fidelity (Bree with Orson, but looking over her shoulder at Karl). And then Mary Alice says the minister said what all ministers say: "You may now kiss the bride." The groom, who is Mike, wondered if he was doing the right thing. The bride is totally covered in the thickest veil in the history of the world. He pulls back the veil as the camera pulls back and he kisses her, but we don't see who it is. Mary Alice says that's when the bells began to ring, telling him he had. Like we care who Mike married. This is Desperate Housewives, so we obviously know it won't last either way.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo is skeptical of the Housewives' problems on No Prior Knowledge!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.