The Ladies are back, and maybe it's my new gigantic black highly high-definition television (a.k.a. The Death Star, a.k.a. the Black Hole, a.k.a. the Widowmaker), but they're not looking so hot.
Lynette, for one, is going through chemo, which means the make-up people have gone to town with the sallow face, raccoon-eye makeup, and the sheen of nausea sweat, and the too-big bald head that clearly hides the bulk of her real hair. Bree is still wearing that dumb faux-bump (but I'll forgive it since it bought Marcia Cross a few extra months to shed her own real-life pregnancy swell). Susan is very, very tan and she's got that deathly hollow between her knockers -- that scooped-out hole that looks like someone put their thumb into wet clay, which some women get when they need to eat more or, at the very least, wear fewer dresses with plunging necklines. Gabby, however, is looking very pretty (sleeping with your ex-husband -- the man you cheated on because he wasn't paying enough attention to you -- because your current husband isn't paying enough attention to you can do that do a girl). And Edie, who of course is still alive -- was anyone fooled by that season finale cliffHANGer? -- is looking a little stiff-necked (staging your own suicide but then screwing up the timing so you nearly break your own neck can do that to a girl) but ultimately pretty hot, though the manipulative neediness she demonstrates in this episode completely nullifies any attractiveness she once had.
But I get ahead of myself.
So here's what happened with Edie: Basically, she just tore a page from psychotic pharmacist George's playbook and that psychotic rapist Alma and staged her own suicide with hopes of guilting Carlos into loving her, a genius man-trap of an idea that I hear Dr. Phil really recommends. Her plan was to wait until Carlos was already inside the house before she commenced with the hanging, but it almost backfires when Carlos is diverted by Mrs. McCluskey, who comes barging in, yelling about how Edie's trashcans are still out on the street three days after trash day, or whatever. But they notice Edie's lifeless form swinging in the window, and Carlos darts upstairs and cuts Edie down using the scissors she so thoughtfully left out for him. Mary Alice, winsomely: "Of course, had he know what she was about to do to his life, he would have let her hang there."
Down at the hospital, Bree, Lynette, and Susan rush in and ask Carlos if he thinks they should interrupt Gabby on her wedding night with the tragic news of Edie's near-death. Carlos does an "oh shit" take and races off to go call Gabby, who's sitting in her gigantic closet, surrounded by luggage, with Victor banging on the door all in a fever to consummate.
Turns out Gabby and Carlos were scheduled to run away together tonight -- we see their runaway plans get laid in a flashback to the wedding from earlier in the day (and it turns out that cunning linguistic scene you thought you saw in the previews of Carlos emerging out from under Gabby's skirts and then commenting on her lack of underwear was really just Carlos hiding from Victor, wah-wahhh). But Carlos can't meet Gabby tonight, re: Edie's suicide attempt. Gabby pouts and threatens to try to work it out with Victor.
Susan gives Mike one of her patented homemade cards to celebrate both their one-month anniversary and this show's complete lack of time-continuity (didn't their spontaneous wedding happen the night after Gabby's wedding?). Susan asks Mike if he's happy, and when he tells her he sure is, she pouts that she doesn't believe him.
Bree and Andrew have a refreshing talk where he very sanely points out how insane she's being with this whole pregnancy ruse. He points out that it's no longer the '50s and that teenagers get pregnant all the time and it isn't really worth hiding anymore, and he basically articulates all the things I shouted at the television at the end of last season. Bree gets off two good lines in the exchange. One: she vindictively tells him, "I'll remember this the time you want money for leather pants!" (Because Andrew's gay? And the gays love leather?) And two, in reference to the endless scandal that the Van de Hodges have already been through in the past season: "We might as well sit on the porch and play banjos!"
Lynette is hiding her cancer from her kids, and from all her friends, and from a horrible pesky nag from the PTA, because she doesn't want people's pity or whatever. And she is hiding this awful secret under a totally unbelievable wig that she tries to improve with bobby pins stuck in at strange angles. Basically, it's like Transamerica all over again, and I don't see how it could fool anyone, but I guess it helps that all the other Wisterians are too preoccupied with their own problems to notice anything.
Gabby comes home to her house and finds Victor there, talking to his real estate agent about selling Gabby's house, seeing as they're now married and she has his 10,000-square-foot bachelor pad to skank up with her Warhol knockoffs. She pitches a minor fit, but when he asks her what she's waiting for, she forlornly says she's "not waiting for anything." Take that, Carlos. But then Victor goes in for a kiss and Gabby sidesteps him, ostensibly to take a closer look at the moving van she just spotted pulling in front of the house across the street.
The Ladies all gather to gossip and gaze at the movers as they unload the van. Susan says she wishes Edie were there to give them the dirt on the new family. Bree: "Yet another demonstration of the fundamental selfishness of suicide." The new resident gets out of her car, and Susan recognizes her: why, it's "Katherine," who used to live on the block!
The ladies all congregate inside Katherine's house, and Katherine proceeds to out-Bree Bree (there's going to be tension there for sures). Katherine has moved back to take care of her ailing auntie, and then we meet Katherine's husband, Adam (the ultra-fine Nathan Fillion, a.k.a. Mal from Firefly, holy shit!), and a daughter, Dylan. Dylan weirdly has no recollection of Susan, even though Susan tries to jog her memory by explaining that Dylan and Julie used to be best friends, and we start to get the first faint whiffs of Season 4 Mystery meat. Also, Adam is Dylan's stepfather, so there's maybe going to be another man in the mix at some point?
Bree and Orson are shoe-shopping at a very well-branded Macy*s (also an advertiser during the ad break) when an old lady comes up and tries to fondle Bree's bump. Bree grabs the woman roughly by the wrist and growls some meanness at her, and a security guard shows up to see if there's a problem, and the scared old lady scampers away. Bree: "Why must old ladies always do that?" Orson: "I don't know, but you've got to stop roughing them up."
Susan's at the doctor's for her annual unit inspection, but her regular doctor is busy delivering a baby, so a substitute doctor has to come in to look over her junk. The sub is -- wait for it -- exactly, it's new-neighbor Mal. And who didn't see that coming? There are some mildly funny words exchanged here, where he keeps asking her to "scooch down" and "relax," which is...well, it's just very...authentic. And then Mal small-talks that wife Katherine has talked about Susan for so long, it's "nice to finally put a face to a name." Is that what they call it now? They chat about her "irregular periods," he suggests that it may be an early case of menopause, and Susan has a meltdown, re: her rusty, dusty eggs.
Lynette is white-knuckling her way though Parker's school play, while her mother urges her to go home because she's been hurling all day. A bitchy parent (Muriel) comes up to them and bosses Lynette into "volunteering" for some gruesome project for school. Lynette's mother tsks that Lynette is taking on too much. Lynette swoons, gurgles, and then ultimately hurls into what she thinks is her mother's purse but is actually the purse of the awful PTA bully, Muriel. Nice.
Katherine throws a big, elaborate BBQ and invites the whole neighborhood to attend. Mrs. McCluskey pointedly asks her why she left town so suddenly, and Katherine dodges the question. Mike puts down a plate of egg salad and whispers to Susan that he thinks "the eggs are past their prime." I know we just met Katherine, but somehow I don't think she'd ever be guilty of serving guests iffy egg salad? Also, couldn't the writers have found a slightly less weighty anvil to drop here to segue to Susan's menopause? Just then, a table of Wisteria's oldest whiteheads (Ida, Mrs. McCluskey, et cetera, et cetera) gleefully call out to Susan that they've been saving a seat for her, which is also just a total brick.
So, after we've been ham-fisted with that clunky dialogue, the scene is finally set for Susan to talk to Mike about her wizened uterus. He comforts that it's a "natural part of life." Susan: "Yeah, the part right before death." She's especially sad because she thinks Mike secretly wants kids, even though Susan doesn't want them. He tells her loves her, and that if they never have kids, he's totally "fine with that." Susan, with a Rudolph nose of sadness: "I don't want you to be fine, I want you to be happy!"
Carlos and Edie arrive at the BBQ, fresh from the hospital, and Edie dazedly mistakes the party for a celebration of her return. Carlos goes off to unpack the car, and Edie gloats to the Ladies that she and Carlos are talking marriage. Katherine comes up and introduces herself, and Edie welcomes the new neighbor to her party, which I guess is supposed to be funny.
Gabby stomps over to Carlos and they stand behind the car, alternately yelling and then kissing and then yelling again. Ultimate outcome: Carlos can't run away with Gabby because Edie's "too fragile right now." Gabby click-clacks off in a huff.
Back at the BBQ, Bree accidentally impales her faux-bump on a gigantic fork without even noticing it. Ida spots the gory scene and starts screaming, and Orson is forced to stab Bree again and again to demonstrate that it's a gag fork, ha ha, and that faux-fetus-impalement is just one of the hilarious pranks that he and Bree love to play on old ladies. Orson and Bree retire off to the sidewalk to have a deep, deep scene -- with much Wisteria-style dramatic tune-age under -- about how Orson wants to give up the ridiculous baby ruse, but Bree is keenly aware of what a mess she made with Danielle and Andrew, and now she wants Danielle's baby as her do-over. I don't really care what they do -- this storyline is kind of stillborn. Stick a fork in it, it's done. Abort, abort!
Mean Muriel (she's everywhere!) comes up to Lynette and gives her a hard time about not picking up some key materials for that school project Lynette volunteered for. Lynette, frustrated and clearly exhausted, pulls out the big guns and takes off her wig. Muriel sucks in air, brusquely says that she thinks she might "give Helen a call," and makes a speedy getaway. Behind her, we see all the Ladies taking in the sad sight of the Star-Trek: The Motion Picture stylings of Lynette's bald, bald head. Felicity Huffman does some great acting here, letting her red, red eyes do all the talking this scene needs.
The Ladies gather in a sad huddle and Lynette explains that the doctor thinks she's going to beat this thing, and the reason she didn't tell them about it was that she liked being able to hang out with them and pretend that everything was like it was before she got sick. But now that they know, all she sees is pity in their eyes. I know it sounds bad, like the most generic, hack storyline ever, but I must admit, I snuffled more than once here. The Ladies all decide that they're not going to keep secrets from each other any more, swear! Except for Bree, who apparently is still going to sit on the story of her dumb bump, and Gabby, who isn't going to tell them about her sham marriage or her thing with Carlos. In short: even in the stark, self-examination-inviting climate of a cancer scare, it's the same old, same old with the secrets and lies of Wisteria Lane.
Fresh from her failed grope with Carlos, Gabby takes another crack at her marriage to Victor. She tells him he needs to start putting her first, and she suggests they go away on vacation, but Victor's schedule is sooo packed with civic duties that he won't be able to get away until April. Gabby looks sad. I don't get this -- it seems like Victor's inability to go on vacation (he is, after all, mayor?) is totally secondary here. Much more to the point, he only married her to get the vote of La Raza -- why isn't she saying anything about that?
Carlos lies to Edie that he's going to go have drinks with the Scavos (lamest lie ever, since Edie could so easily follow up on this one, but okay). Instead, he heads over to Gabby's house for some sexing -- and we actually cut away, so you know that they really did go all the way.
Julie and Dylan (new neighbor Katherine's daughter) go over some photos from when they were kids, but Dylan doesn't remember any of the kids in the pictures. Julie does some probing and discovers that (A) Dylan has this recurring dream about a man breaking into her room and trying to "grab" her; and (B) a babysitter once recommended that Dylan talk to a therapist, but Katherine put the kibosh on the idea and fired the babysitter.
Mal stops by Susan's house to confess that he's made a terrible mistake: she's not going through menopause; in fact, she's pregnant. Mike is thrilled over the good news, and they french and french. Huh -- I guess the fact that Susan doesn't actually want a baby is now magically taken care of?
Edie finds Carlos on the couch after his night with Gabby, and she tells him that she got sort of lonely while he was gone, which is why she had to go through Carlos's stuff, just so she could feel closer to him? And hey, what's this about a ten-million-dollar offshore account? In short, she won't tell anyone about his illegal money stash, so long as he keeps her "happy." She skips upstairs all gleeful, and Carlos lies there on the couch, looking grim. I used to love-hate Edie, but now I just kind of hate-hate her -- I miss the strong Edie of Seasons 1 and 2, the Edie I always thought was just in it for the sex and who liked her own company just fine. This Edie is just kind of pathetic and off-putting. And this show already has a Susan.
The MAVO montage shows us all the Ladies sipping on mugs of morning beverages and looking out their windows wistfully and thinking about their various "secrets." Julie comes downstairs and tells Susan that she thinks Dylan isn't actually the same girl that she grew up with. Worried-face Susan looks over at Katherine's house, and we cross-fade to Katherine standing in a dark room. Mal comes in and asks if "this is the room?" Katherine tells him that Dylan's been asking when she can move in, and Mal tells her to go ahead and let her; Katherine may remember "it," but Dylan clearly doesn't. But Katherine firmly says that she "won't allow it." Mal wonders if they made a mistake moving back, and Katherine says that it wasn't like they exactly had a choice, and then she looks at him all pointedly. They leave the room, locking the door behind them. Huh, so that's it. The Season 4 mystery is another "mysterious family with a locked room" storyline? Shrug.
More importantly, why were Edie's trashcans out on the street on a Saturday night, when trash day on Wisteria Lane is clearly on Thursdays?