Mary Alice sets things up with a little flashback to the days when little Edie Britt used to be tormented by the neighborhood boys who knew she was afraid of frog, snakes, and spiders. But now her only fear is getting left, which is exactly what Carlos is doing to her. Carlos tells Edie that he's hoping she cares enough about him to keep his financial secrets, and she agrees, on the condition that he tell her the truth: "Is there someone else?" Not knowing that she has pictures of him with Gabrielle, Carlos lies and says no, which makes things easier for Edie. Specifically, easier for her to go snitch on him to the IRS. Which, in case I'm not making it clear, is exactly what she does.
It's Halloween, and everyone on Wisteria Lane is putting up their Halloween decorations. And nobody more than Bob and Lee, who have decided to throw a Halloween party for all the neighbors who hate them. Bob assures Lee, "No, they don't hate us, they hate you. I'm the butch one." Which is marginally true, but it's also true that Bob isn't as sarcastically bitchy as Lee is. Sure, Lee is entertaining to watch on TV, but I wouldn't want to live on the same street with him either. In that sense, at least, he fits in with the rest of the cast. Bree is the first one to get one of their invitations, which she smoothly accepts. But things get less smooth when Bob and Lee spot Danielle peeking out through the upstairs window and wonder who she is, if she isn't Bree's daughter. Bree makes up an excuse about Andrew trying on his costume since he's going as Cher, and Bob and Lee leave that much happier. Inside, Bree snips at Danielle for making herself visible, and then further pisses her off by refusing to let her go to the party. After Danielle waddles off in a huff, Andrew asks Bree for help with his costume. She will of course be happy to oblige, since she already committed him to one a minute ago. How sad for Andrew that nobody ever changes their mind about a costume at the last minute.
Gabby is packing to leave Victor's house, while also leaving an answering machine message for Victor breaking up with him, explaining how annoyed she is that he's staying in D.C. longer so she can't dump him in person. Only Gabby could complain about how tacky this makes her while acting this tacky.
Susan and Mike are at a specialist's office, talking about "genetic counseling." Susan overdiscloses that her family history includes arthritis, webbed toes, and third nipples. "Apparently I married into carny folk," Mike remarks, as if that's news. As for his side of the family, Mike says that everyone's fine, now that his dad's on high blood pressure medication and controlling his condition well. This is kind of a surprise to Susan, since apparently Mike told her his father was dead when they started dating. Which time? Susan calls him on it, and Mike fakes an "emergency plumbing call" to get himself out of there. Dad, in case you're reading this, I've never reacted this way when your name came up.
Lynette and Tom are just getting home from the cancer doctor, and both Tom and Lynette's mom Stella are talking about how optimistic the doctors are about the PET scan she just had. All Lynette cares about, however, is a fresh hole she's just spotted in the garden, and she freaks out all over both of them. "I can't believe you didn't tell me we have a possum!" she bellows, and storms off. So now she's a possum bitch?
Mike gets home late from work and wisely pops a couple of pills before getting out of his truck and trying to sneak into bed without waking up Susan. Which doesn't work at all, of course. Sitting up in bed, Susan wants an explanation. "My father's in prison for murder," Mike says. "So can you see how I would have wanted to lie about him on a first date?" Again, which first date? Didn't they have several? Maybe he could have told the truth on just one of them. Mike admits that he visits his dad a few times a year, which kind of makes it even odder that it's never come up before. Susan, of course, wants to meet him, and drama-queens that it's because of the family medical history they need for the genetic counseling. It's for the baby, you know, and not because Susan is genetically incapable of ever letting anything go. Maybe she should be worried more about passing that gene on.
Lynette has returned from the garden center with everything you need to wage war on a possum. Whichever kid it is she's talking to now, who until two seconds ago was thrilled that his mom's cancer battle is looking up, is quickly disappointed to learn the Lynette is out for the head of "Scruffles." In fact, Lynette is so unpleasant about it that the kid probably preferred her before the cancer started getting better.
Over at Bree's, she's gone back on her deal and decided to send Danielle back to the convent instead of letting her stay. Danielle complains, but her heart isn't in it. She just wants to eject the parasite feeding on her systems. Bree tries to have a heart-to-heart about how hard it might end up being for Danielle to give up her baby when the time comes, but Danielle isn't too worried about that. She assures Bree that she's nothing like her mother, which Bree is kind of tired of hearing by now. She says she looks forward to the day when Danielle shows some "glimmer" of herself. Which she will live to regret, if only because Danielle will soon prove to be unaware of what "glimmer" actually means.
Gabby's carrying boxes through the house in her workout clothes, and she's pretty startled to find Victor's dad, Milton, sitting there. Apparently, he heard Gabby's message before Victor did and erased it, and he's come back from D.C. to tell her that she can't leave Victor when he's about to run for governor. He also waves a big check at her, which predictably offends her until, predictably, she sees the huge amount on it. Which we don't get to see, because this billionaire writes with a shitty ballpoint with ink that doesn't show up on TV. Gabby also notices that it's dated year, meaning she has to stay married to Victor through year -- and the election -- if she wants the money. Somehow, Gabby still claims the moral high ground, mocking Milton for wanting to push Victor all the way to the presidency. Milton doesn't exactly deny it. Because people who run for president for their dads have worked out so well.
At the IRS, Edie is finding out that the investigators struck out; Carlos's offshore account doesn't exist. So she goes to confront Carlos (who is somehow still moving, even as Edie's entire IRS investigation has already been completed), demanding to know what happened to the $10 million. He denies it extra-loud, for the benefit of any wire Edie might be wearing, and asks why Edie would care about it if she weren't planning to use it against him. Edie flusters at him, and says it's not over. Carlos calmly says it is, and he won. Oh, Carlos. You were married to Gabby how long and you still don't know how to not poke the crazy?
Lynette has run out of ideas for dealing with the possum, so she's come to Bree for help. Not for suggestions, mind you; but for a gun. Bree warns Lynette that the town council has banned live ammo, but an air rifle will sting the possum away for good. "Try Gun City on Route 6 to the Baptist Church," Bree says. "Tell 'em I sent you, and they'll give you a nice discount." Lynette thanks her and heads off, trying to prevent her brain from playing some of the stories it must be playing right now.
Gabby has called Carlos over to talk. He's not happy about abandoning their agreement not to see each other for six months, but she proposes thirteen instead and shows Carlos the huge check. Carlos isn't pleased that she's essentially taking money to sleep with a man she doesn't love. "Gee, if that were a job, what would you call it?" Carlos has apparently also never learned not to call his girlfriend a whore. Maybe he should just be single for a while. Gabby says they need the money, and Carlos gets an idea. "What if we didn't?" he asks. So he tells Gabby about his big cash stash. "You embezzled ten million dollars?" she asks him dangerously, and then starts kissing all over him. But then she pulls away when she realizes that he's had the money since they were married -- and, thus, since they were divorced. "I was entitled to half of everything you embezzled!" she accuses. She says this means she can't trust Carlos, and she kicks him out, which is something I might take the time to count the layers of bullshit in if this were a full recap. He doesn't understand why she isn't happier that he has millions of dollars and wants to be with her. "Gee, if that were a job," Gabby shoots back, "what would they call it?" Carlos leaves, defeated.
Visiting day at the prison, and Mike's dad is played by Robert Forster, which is an outstanding piece of casting. Susan gets right down to the questions, asking about family medical history. Oh, and one other thing: "Who did you kill?" Papa Delfino pleasantly tells a long story about killing a workplace rival with his own tie, after said rival poached a promotion that should have been Papa Delfino's. "Well, now you know," Mike shrugs at Susan. So that covers half the title.
And here's the other half. Bob and Lee's Halloween party is in full swing, complete with Oingo Boingo's "Dead Man's Party" on what I'm sure is an endless loop. ["You would have no way of knowing this, not having a passion for Sondheim (THAT I KNOW OF), but they took the title from Into The Woods, specifically from Little Red Riding Hood's song. So...it's not totally random." -- Miss Alli] Looks like plenty of Bob and Lee's pre-Wisteria friends are there, too, if you know what I mean. Bob (dressed as Aladdin) and Lee (dressed as a pirate) greet Adam (Frankenstein's monster) and Katherine (Marie Antoinette). Of course, because it's TV, everyone's costume looks like it came off Broadway instead of getting thrown together from whatever was in people's closets and attics that afternoon. TV costume designers must love these episodes. Anyway, Lee cackles at Katherine, "You came as a self-important queen who lost all her power! Isn't that a bit on the nose?" After he and Bob move on, Katherine comments on the irony of Lee making jokes about a queen. "Aaahrhng!" Adam agrees, Phil Hartman-like. Heh. Elsewhere in the party, Bree (Little Bo-Peep) and Julie (some kind of fairy, I don't know) and Orson (easily the gayest-looking man there in a velvet Little Boy Blue outfit complete with blond pageboy wig) are talking to Andrew, who is remarking on the irony of Bree's helping him Cher himself up after freaking out about finding out he was gay. He still looks less gay than Orson does, mind you. Suddenly, Julie spots Danielle entering, and rushes over to greet her in surprise. "Who does she think she is?" Bree gasps to Orson about her daughter. Noting Danielle's all-pink maternity ensemble and red flip wig, Orson guesses, "Apparently, you." Julie goes over to talk to Danielle, who's totally in character, and Julie says she can almost feel the "fake" baby kick inside Danielle's "costume." In Bree-voice, Danielle lectures her tummy, "We do not kick people unless they're servants." Bree and Orson come and pull Danielle away from Julie and angrily hiss at her for coming to the party. Danielle reminds Bree about wanting Danielle to be more like her, and Bree claims her impression sucks. But then when Mrs. McCluskey in a witch costume is surprised to see Danielle, Danielle scolds her for mocking Jesus and not using a coaster. "Oh, I get it, she's you!" Mrs. McCluskey says to Bree.
Apparently, visiting Papa Delfino requires a road trip, because Mike and Susan are getting into a motel room. They're also getting into kind of a fight about Mike's dad. Susan was expecting Papa Delfino to be racked with guilt, but now she's decided that he's evil. Which is not a nice thing to say to someone about his dad, really. Mike doesn't think his father's that bad, and wonders why Susan's making such a big deal out of it, as if the rest of us haven't figured it out already. "This conversation is exactly why I told you he was dead," he bitches.
Tom, in the world's laziest old-west sheriff costume (see, that's what I'm talking about), comes out into the yard to find Lynette lying in wait with her new air rifle, using the kids' treehouse as a possum stand. Tom tries to talk her down, but he quickly and wisely backs down when Lynette whaps him upside the head with a thematic anvil. Specifically, one that's all about how possums are really cancer. Who are any of us to judge, right? "Do what you need to do," Tom says, probably wishing those shooting irons in his holster were real right about now. Rather than sticking around and getting his ass shot, he goes off to the party alone.
Where Danielle is still holding forth as Bree. Bree is just about ready to drag Danielle out of there, and Danielle is calling Bree's bluff, and then Danielle's water breaks on Bob's rug. Bree makes a lame excuse, then rounds up Andrew and Orson to get Danielle out of there and back to the house. They don't think there's time to get to the hospital, because labor on TV always lasts less than one episode. Like all those women we know who claim to have taken forty-two hours to give birth really sneaked off to a spa or something. Orson is ready to try delivering the baby himself, but Bree points out that Orson is a dentist -- and, she now realizes, drunk. "There was punch in that rum?" he asks. So Bree dashes back to the party to ask Adam ask for his help. As she drags him out by his giant costume hand, she swears him to secrecy. "Does this have anything to do with the pregnancy you've been faking?" he asks. Heh.
So then Adam and everyone else are still in full costume at Bree's house when the baby comes. Even Orson and Andrew are still wearing their wigs. Out front, The trick-or-treating Scavo kids are disappointed at not getting an answer at the front door, so when they go around back to look in a window, they of course see a giant, green-faced Frankenstein's monster holding up a gross, slimy, naked, four-month-old baby boy, and freak out, running into the street screaming. Like those little beasties wouldn't have whipped out their camera phones.
Later that night, Bree comes into Danielle's room, cradling the baby, which is somehow a much smaller bundle of blankets now. Note to the prop department: it's the mother that gets smaller after the delivery, not the baby. Danielle's trying to be distant, but eventually, her face crumples and she wants to hold the baby. Bree hands him over and sits to them on the bed. Bree wants to be sure Danielle is okay, and although Danielle seems to be having second thoughts, she emotionally says that this is the best thing for everyone. "Especially him," she says, handing back the baby. "But you're right," she admits. "It's awful." Bree takes the baby out so Danielle can sleep. After she finishes crying, that is.
Gabby is at home, leaving a message for Susan saying that she's going to be on her own for a while. "Going through some stuff," she says vaguely. Which is really just a way to set things up so that nobody will miss Gabby when she goes missing week, I'm sure. A car outside honks its horn, and Gabby runs out, thinking it's there to pick her up. She's surprised to see it's a stretch limo, but happily gets in. Where she is the only one in the world surprised to see that Victor is sitting inside, pursing his lips at her. He asks her what's going on, since she seems to have moved out and all. Gabby says it's over, and she's leaving him. Wait, did a scene get deleted somewhere? Last we saw, she was dumping Carlos on a flimsy pretext, and now we're supposed to believe she's also turning her back on Milton's money? Maybe the explanation for this happened in another episode I didn't see. Victor isn't ready to let Gabby go, and she says that Victor doesn't ever seem have any time to talk about his problems. He makes a big show out of ripping a bunch of pages out of his day planner, but she's not impressed, saying he only wants to hold onto her for his governor run. So Victor offers to not run at all, saying it's what his dad wants. "Don't run away," he says, so emotionally that his voice and expression nearly change. "And if you do, take me with you." Gabby doesn't seem unaffected by this appeal, but she 's not as pretty with a big fishhook sticking out of her mouth.
Susan has come back to visit Mike's dad and tell him something. Namely, that she doesn't believe his story. When he wonders why she cares, she tells him that she can handle any physical defect her baby might have, but not if it's born without a soul or a conscience because of Papa Delfino's genes. Papa Delfino claims he can't think about what he did or he'll go crazy. He says that what he really regrets is turning a popular kid like Mike into a murderer's son. "I'm not sure that kind of darkness ever truly goes away," he tells Susan. Not helping, Mike's dad. Susan defends Mike, saying he's happy, with a wife and a baby on the way. Papa Delfino says he also had a lot going for him before he threw it all away. "Just keep an eye on him," he says, heading back to his cell. Always great advice, when given to Susan.
Edie comes over to Victor's and, finding him alone, hands her photo of Carlos kissing Gabby right over to him. While he holds it and regards it silently, his face as blank as always, Edie rattles on about how this is really all Carlos's fault. "I think he deserves whatever's coming to him, don't you?" she asks. Victor's only answer is another blank look. One that I read as, "Who besides you knows about this, Edie, and do they know you're here?"
It's a quiet evening at the Scavos', but Lynette quickly wakes up from her margarita-induced nap when her oncologist, Dr. Rushton, shows up for a house call. He's there to tell her -- and Tom, and Stella -- that the cancer's gone. Gone! Hot damn. Tom goes to get the kids, and Stella drags the doc into the kitchen for a margarita, leaving Lynette all alone in the living room. She goes out back and looks up at the stars, stretching out her arms under the night sky. And then she happens to look down and see the corpse of Scruffles, whom her rat poison must have finally caught up with. She drops into a sitting position on the yard, tells the dead varmint, "I'm sorry," and cries like an asshole. Hey, cheer up, Lynette; you're two for two now.
Mary Alice VOs some more about fear, and how nothing is scarier than our own thoughts. "What if she comes to regret her decision?" as Bree puts Danielle in a cab. "What if he really is unhappy?" as Susan watches Mike stomp around the yard. "What if the chance for love has passed forever?" as Edie looks out her window alone. And as Lynette watches the kids play with Tom in the yard, Mary Alice concludes, "What does not kill us, just makes us stronger." Um, "us," Sunshine?