Kissing, so much kissing this week! Bree (who maybably has a drinking problem now?) spots Andrew and Justin exchanging a goodnight buss out in front of the house. Scandalized, Bree tells Andrew he can't be gay under her roof, so he threatens to tell the police how Bree let George die. Bree consults lawyer Karl, who sits Andrew down and explains that letting someone die is not a crime, so Andrew threatens to spill the story to the neighbors. Karl sends Bree out of the room and then gets all up in Andrew's face, threatening to inflict some bodily injury if Andrew doesn't start treating his mother with "respect." Aw! Meanwhile Gabby frenches Mr. Mom Tom at a neighborhood party as a light-hearted demonstration of how cheerleaders (Gabby) really felt about band geeks (Tom) back in high school. An under-amused Lynette confronts Gabby, and petulance is exchanged. Later, Lynette gives Gabby a taste of her own French medicine by making out HARD with Carlos. Gabby is all "point taken," and the matter seems resolved, except that Carlos -- whom Gabby has unwisely instructed to go out and "even the score" (re: her cheating with Gardener John, remember that?) by scoring with another woman -- now thinks that maybe he and Lynette should sex it up. But Lynette's Charmin? Is Tom's and Tom's alone to squeeze. Meanwhile, PI Ironside breaks into the Applewrongs' house and tries to extract Caleb, but instead falls through one of the rotting stairs in the basement and dies. As Matthew and Betty debate what to do with the body, dead PI Ironside's cell phone rings, and caller ID reveals the call to be from "Foster." (As in Melanie Foster? Caleb's alleged victim?) Matthew and Betty decide to move dead PI Ironside into the trunk of dead PI Ironside's car but -- whoops! -- lock the keys inside with him. Zana apologizes to Julie and Susan for his past stalking/kidnapping ways, and they immediately forgive him. Suddenly Zana-sympathetic Julie and Susan hare-brain up a scheme to get Zana and Mike a-bonding by inviting them both to go bowling. And it totally works! Except that CreePaul is not amused, and he marches right over and sucker-punches Mike, who's innocently raking leaves out on his front lawn. Fisticuffs ensue, and Susan (who's driving by at that exact moment) gets so distracted by the man-battle that she runs her car into the back of dead PI Ironside's car. The trunk, of course, pops open, and the whole neighborhood gathers 'round to ogle the dead PI Ironside. The Ladies immediately all look at CreePaul, who shrugs, like "not it!" Later, Edie speculates that maybe the oh-so-suspicious Applewrong family is to blame for the body, and Betty and Matthew observe the gossiping with mounting worry. Also, Alberta kisses Mr. Whiskers, Bree kisses a photo of dead Rex, and Julie (uh oh) kisses Zana (but only on the cheek! as if that matters!).
Previously: George committed suicide and Bree didn't even try to stop him; Susan sent Zana to Utah; Andrew was pretty much gay; CreePaul wanted Mike to stay the hell away from Zana; and the asthmatic PI Ironside was after Caleb.
MAVO: "Kisses are such simple things. We hardly notice them." Bree is standing in front of a table, surveying a magnificent spread of party food. She's wearing pearls, of course, along with a somewhat disappointing silk party dress featuring murky brown lace. She's also holding a gigantic glass of white wine. A man in a blazer and a woman holding a glass of wine are making out feverishly in a very well-lit corner -- seriously, it's like they're trying to make butter with their heads, what with all the churning. Which is kind of weird: I'd expect this kind of PDA from two fifteen-year-olds at, like, a twelve-kegger or something. But at a parent party on Wisteria Lane? Huh...maybe this is a key party? Certainly Bree seems unfazed: she just smiles over at them and walks away. Though perhaps she's merely stunned and distracted by the mountainous princess cake that's sitting at the top of a tiered tray right in the middle of the table -- I know that's certainly where my attention would be focused. (Cream and custard and yellow cake and raspberry things, all wrapped in a skin of lurid green marzipan? Huzzah!) MAVO: "But if we paid more attention, we'd see that each kiss conveys a meaning all its own." Bree walks over to a couple standing at the foot of the stairs and leans in to give first the man and then the woman cheek kisses. MAVO: "For example, some can say 'I'm so happy to see you!'" or "I didn't realize you'd be here!" Over on the couch, two women smile at each other falsely and then give each other air-cheek kisses. MAVO: "Or 'Honey it's time to stop drinking.'" A woman leans in to give her boisterous husband a kiss and somehow manages to neatly remove his precariously tilted glass of wine in the process. MAVO: "The trick is in knowing how to tell the difference."
In the kitchen, Karl, Mr. Mom Tom, Gabby (looking cute with her hair down and a flower tucked behind one ear), Edie, and Bree are all sitting around and laughing. Gabby: "So I finally said, 'If I'm head cheerleader, then nobody wears panties.'" (Wow, what?) This causes an explosion of laughter, and Edie almost spits out her drink. Tom volunteers that, as a member of the high-school marching band, he would have appreciated Gabby's rule. Immediately, everyone starts in, teasing him about being a band geek. Lynette materializes and tells them that not only was Tom a band geek, but that he played the tuba. Gabby confesses that all of her secret crushes were on the band geeks, a revelation Tom finds highly doubtful, what with girls like Gabby only ever being interested in guys like Karl (who clearly did NOT play the tuba). Tom, laughing: "All I know is I was a lonely, insecure tuba player, [and] girls like Gabrielle would just rip my heart out." This gets lots of "aww"s, and when he confesses that he didn't even have his first kiss until he was eighteen, he also gets a "poor baby" from Gabby, who goes on to insist that she totally would have kissed him. Tom says no, she wouldn't. Gabby says yes, she would. Tom insists again that NO, she wouldn't, but he tells her it's okay, since "those scars heeled a long time ago." Gabby: "Oh, for god's sake, come here. On behalf of all the cheerleaders in the world, forgive us." And with that, she grabs Tom's face in her hands and plants one on him -- there's no tongue or anything, but it's a substantial kiss. Everyone claps and hollers. MAVO: "Yes, kisses mean different things to different people." Tom breaks away (finally!) and does a little fake pratfall. MAVO: "Ultimately, the meaning depends on the one who does the kissing, and the one who sees it happen." The camera pans past Edie, who's still laughing it up, and Bree, who's smiling distantly, to Lynette, who is one, big, huge frownie. Whoops! And roll those credits.
The party's over. Bree shows a couple to the door, breathes a huge, satisfied sigh, and then turns spies something shocking: apparently someone has tipped a wineglass over on one of the side tables! MAVO: "After every party comes the time for cleaning. We attend to the champagne that was spilled [Bree sponges up the spilled wine], the knick-knacks that got broken [Edie sweeps up some broken china], the food that went uneaten [Lynette clears some trays from the table and brings them into the kitchen], and whatever other messes need...cleaning up." Gabby, who's washing dishes, tells Lynette just to hand over the trays, and Lynette, with a huge and tense smile, says, "So, Gabby? You know that...thing you and Tom did tonight, that...kiss?" Gabby, with eyes shining bright: "Wasn't that hysterical? The look on Tom's face!" Lynette totally fake-laughs, and then sort of tries to walk away, but...no, she just can't leave it alone. Lynette grabs a tiered tray of food (oh my god, the princess cake is not even half eaten!) and walks back to the sink. Lynette, with a kind of off-putting, syrupy, "no biggie" kind of smile: "I know this sounds silly, but...it kind of bugged me." And at "bugged," Lynette kind of scrunches up her nose. Gabby looks startled and asks Lynette if she's serious, and Lynette confesses that she really kind of is, but that she doesn't want to make a "big deal out of it." Except...could Gabby "maybe not do that again?" Gabby, looking totally befuddled, smiles and gives Lynette an "okay." Lynette thanks her and pats her arm, and Gabby turns back to the dishes.
Susan, Edie, and Bree walk in, and Susan says something about how come the Applewrongs didn't come to the party. Bree says that she invited them, but they just didn't come. Edie asks them what they think of the Applewrongs, and Susan and Bree agree that they're definitely "interesting." Edie: "Mmm. They weird me out, too." Susan and Bree try to pretend that's not what they were saying, and Gabby and Lynette exchange looks: clearly the "Matter of the Kiss" is not quite settled between them. Gabby swings her hair around and says to Lynette: "You know, we were just having fun and entertaining the crowd." Lynette looks over nervously at the other ladies and suggests that maybe time she and Tom can "try juggling instead." Never one to let grass grow beneath her, Edie asks what's going on. Gabby tries to pretend that "nothing" is going on, but Edie insists that she senses "a little tension." Lynette denies it, but then Gabby keeps staring at her, so Lynette's all "What?" and Gabby tells Lynette, "You make it sound like I was making a pass at your husband. And that's just a little bit insulting." Now Gabby's the one giving the "just kidding, just, just kidding (no I'm not)" smile with her delivery. Lynette insists that all she was saying was that the kissed bugged her. Edie: "Is this about that kiss?" Susan, who missed the whole thing, is confused, so Edie explains how Gabby, as a joke, planted a "big wet kiss on Tom." Edie tells Susan how "hilarious" it was, and Gabby is all "you see?" to Lynette. Bree: "But to be fair to Lynette, you are an ex-model and surely it must have dawned on you that some women would prefer it if you didn't kiss their husbands." Lynette gives an amen to that. Susan tries to smooth things over, and both Gabby and Lynette pretend no longer to be mad. Edie starts to gossip about the outfit "Cathy Lewis" was wearing at the party: "Whoever told her she could get away with those vertical stripes should be shot." Wow, Edie is wearing a very, very low-cut top. Gabby and Lynette exchange one last look, and it's obvious that both ladies still have their pique on.
I can't really decide whose side I'm on here. On one hand, I feel like clearly the Tom-Gabby kiss was a one-time-only sort of thing, and the only thing Lynette did by confronting Gabby was demonstrate how crippled with insecurity and dorkiness she really is. On the other hand, I think Gabby's kiss would have been just as funny, and not nearly as controversial, if Gabby had planted it on Tom's cheek versus his mouth. Also I find it really hard to believe that Gabby is so very surprised by Lynette's jealousy. She can't really be that oblivious, can she? Sigh.
Outside, Bree kisses Susan goodbye on the cheek, and Susan walks toward her house. Just then, Zana appears; he's come to take out the trash! Susan looks over at him, and he raises his hand in greeting. Susan waves some leftovers at him, and then she wrinkles her brow in thought. Easy, Susan, don't hurt yourself! After standing there, flapping her arms for a few minutes, she turns and scuttles over to Mike's house. As usual, Mike opens the door within two nanoseconds of Susan's knock, proving once again that Mike is a crazy man who lives in his foyer. Susan excitedly informs him that Zana is back! Mike, who's known the news for days, is underwhelmed by her announcement. Susan: "Well...that's great, isn't it?" Mike agrees with a very lackluster "yeah." Susan is confused. Isn't Zana's return what Mike so yearned for? Mike explains that Paul's return has interrupted Mike's plan, which was to slowly, surely get to know Zana, and then, once the time was ripe, tell his son the truth about the loins from which the lad sprang (i.e., Mike's). And CreePaul, Mike tells Susan, has "threatened to tell the police about everything that happened the desert." And since CreePaul isn't an ex-con, and Mike is, CreePaul's word is more believable than Mike's. Susan is very sad for Mike and his predicament, and she looks deep into his eyes and tells him how, despite her running Zana off, she really wants Mike and Zana to connect. And she totally means it! The Wisteria Lane "music of sincerity" told me so. Mike and Susan exchange a warm little moment. All and all, it's a markedly sweeter exchange than we've been used to as of late (up until now, Mike's been throwing gutter trash at Susan's head whenever she tries to talk to him). I guess they're all made up now? Or something? Continuity be damned!
Inside, CreePaul is going over Zana's reading-list options. Apparently, Zana's getting home-schooled now. And they do their studying in the middle of the night. (Either that, or Bree's makeout party broke up very, very early.) Zana's choices are The Old Man And the Sea, The Pearl, and Much Ado about Nothing. CreePaul is very chipper about these reading choices, but sullen Zana is less than thrilled. Unfazed, CreePaul selects The Pearl: "It's got a sad ending, but it's good." CreePaul does some more rah-rahing about home-schooling, but Zana remains sullenly silent. CreePaul: "Okay, I know this isn't what you want, but I need to keep you close to me, just for a while. There's [sic] people in this neighborhood that aren't thrilled that we're back, people I don't trust." "People like...Mike Delfino?" Zana suggests. CreePaul feigns surprise, and Zana explains that Mrs. Tillman said that Mike took CreePaul away to kill him. (And speaking of which, aren't the police at all concerned about the reappearance of the boy that brutally beat Felicia with a hockey stick?) CreePaul: "That's ridiculous. Why would Mike want to kill me?" Zana: "Because you murdered Mrs. Huber?" (Oh yeah! I guess the police have totally given up on that investigation, too. You know, I'm beginning to think the Fairview police department is a drug front.) CreePaul is all "WHAT did you say?" Zana explains that Mrs. Tillman also said something about how CreePaul murdered her sister, Mrs. Huber, because Mrs. Huber was blackmailing Mary Alice. CreePaul asks Zana if he believed any of Felicia's claptrap, and Zana says that he doesn't, not really. CreePaul tells Zana that, as the person who knows CreePaul best, he more than anyone knows that CreePaul is no murderer. Zana: "Of course, I didn't think mom was capable of suicide either." CreePaul: "On second thought, why don't we start with Much Ado About Nothing? I think we could use a few laughs around here."
Over at the House of Barely Concealed Gay, Bree peeks out the curtains and sees Andrew and Justin kissing each other goodnight. Awww. Bree's eyes boggle, and the empty champagne glass in her hand shatters.
Cut to Bree, sitting at the coffee table and pouring herself another huge glass of white wine as Andrew finally makes his way inside. Bree immediately lights into him. Andrew: "Somebody's angry. What, did one of your soufflés fall?" Bree, in very hushed tones, informs Andrew that she saw what he did! Andrew: "Oh! And you didn't turn into a pillar of salt? Good for you!" Bree hisses about the neighbors, and what if they saw? Andrew: "I'd hope they'd think I landed a hottie." Which is kind of cute. But Bree starts in about her "values" and how Andrew isn't to "mock" them while living under her roof: "You so much as smile at that boy, and so help me I will ship you off to Camp Hennessy and I will not pick you up until you're eighteen." Which, considering how Andrew has already finished his senior year of high school (I think?), should be pretty much any day now. Bree stalks off toward the stairs, and Andrew picks up the wine bottle from the coffee table and waggles it at her: "Aren't you forgetting something?" He urges her to take the whole bottle, saying he knows how much she likes the sauce. Andrew: "I know, of the two of us, I'm the one who doesn't judge." Oooh. And also: Bree has a drinking problem?
Matthew is locking up the dungeon when suddenly Caleb, who I guess is only sporadically manacled, appears at the door ands pleads with Matthew to let him go. (Hey! Caleb speaks!) Clearly saddened, Matthew mutters that he's sorry, and locks the door just as Betty comes down the stairs, which are now, suddenly, very, very creaky. Betty bounces on one of the rickety stairs and tells Matthew that she thinks they might have termites, and that he had better check out the stairs before somebody gets hurt (duh duh duhhhh). Matthew tells Betty how Caleb, like George Michael, really wants his freedom. He angrily tells Betty that they're "being cruel" to Caleb. Betty shakes her finger at Matthew and tells him that, if he cares so much, he should spend "less time on his computer" and more time hanging out in the dungeon with Caleb, which for some reason I find weirdly funny.
Cut to inside the cell. Caleb, who is wearing a very purple shirt, has his ear pressed to the door. We hear Betty, muffled, yelling to Matthew that Caleb will be allowed upstairs once they're sure it's "safe."
Cut to PI Ironside, sitting in his car out in front of the Applewrongs' house. He's puffing on his inhaler and listening to "Rhinestone Cowboy" on the radio. Nice! Edie comes jogging by, and then she circles back and bangs on Ironside's window. All fired up for confrontation, Edie asks him what he's been doing there, sitting in his car for the past two hours. He tells her he's doing a "property appraisal" for some neighbors who are thinking of moving, which sounds pretty convincing, but unfortunately he's picked the wrong woman to try the old "property appraisal" trick on. Edie, super-indignant, starts grilling him about whether it's the Applewrongs who're are thinking of moving. Because, she informs him, she sold them that house, and this is her "turf." Then she gives PI Ironiside the third degree about which realtor it is that he's working for. She starts listing all her competitors, and he's pretty much struck dumb. He tells her that he just goes where he's told, and Edie leans right in and, panting (I guess from the jogging?), she says, "Look you cross me, and I will be your worst nightmare. I'm a dangerous woman. You don't want to mess with me." "You got it," he tells her, and Edie jogs off all "Rocky at the top of the steps" cocky. PI Ironside rolls his eyes and then picks up his paper, revealing his gun lying just within reach. Edie? You don't know how lucky you are.
Julie and Susan pull into their driveway and get out of the car carrying dueling coffees. And up walks Zana with his polo shirt buttoned ferociously and tucked into a very weird pair of jeans (belted and baggy and tapered and cuffed). Zana, it appears, has something he'd like to say to the Mayer ladies: "I know that I did a lot of bad stuff, stuff that I'm not going to be able to take back" -- you know, "stuff" like arson, stalking, kidnapping, and assault with a deadly hockey stick. But, after living on the streets, he's had a lot of time to "sit and think" and he's...well, he's "grown up," and Susan and Julie no longer have anything to worry about: "I'm not going to be bothering you anymore...either of you." Susan, with brow furrowed in earnestness: "Well, thanks. We appreciate that." Zana then asks them not to say anything to CreePaul, who has been rather "intense" as of late, and then he turns and walks back to his house, his shoulders hunched way up around his ears. Susan to Julie: "Whoa. What do you think?" Julie: "He seems...different. I believe him." And Susan? Totally agrees! "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I feel sorry for him. It's like he's so fragile!" Julie: "I know, and he's locked in that house with Mr. Creepy twenty-four/seven. Did you know that he's home-schooling Zach now?" Wait, wait, wait. What? WHAT? Are we to believe that a thirty-second apology from Zana -- the boy Susan wanted out of town so badly that she ruined her relationship with Mike over it -- is all it takes for Susan to roll over and say "all is forgiven"? Me no believe! Susan, her brain machine clearly ticking: "I think he should spend some time with a decent role model, don't you?" Sigh. So now Mike's suddenly on speaking terms Susan, and Susan's suddenly a-okay with Zana? The characters on this show are so unbelievably and conveniently inconsistent! Ugh. I wash my hands of you all!
Lynette and Bree drive past each other and stop in the middle of the road for some traffic-blocking chit-chat. (In junior high, we called this kind of car-to-car communication "cop talk" in honor of the way small-town police like to park their "units" head-to-toe so that both drivers can talk without having to yell across a passenger seat.) Lynette: "Hey! You're out early!" Bree, with fiendish chipperness: "Oh! I just wanted to pick up some fresh croissants for breakfast!" And the way she says "croissants" is, of course, very much the phlegm-ish French way (as opposed to the Jack in the Box "crescent roll" way). Lynette, distractedly: "Oh, cool." Ha! Lynette then launches in with the real reason she stopped: she wants to thank Bree for having her back regarding the Gabby/Tom Kiss Scandal at "last night"'s party. (So the big makeout party was on a work night? Huh?) Bree agrees that she wouldn't have been down with Gabby's behavior either. Lynette: "Yeah...but I probably should have just gone with it. Gabby was just being Gabby...having fun..." Bree assures Lynette that her reaction wasn't at all out of line, given Gabby's "history." Lynette is all "???" and Bree is all, you know, "the affair!" But it turns out that Lynette totally had no idea (which is kind of insane: once John the Gardener's mother found out about the affair, it seemed pretty much guaranteed that it was going to make its way around the neighborhood). Bree -- uncomfortable now that she realizes she's spreading heretofore-unheard gossip -- tries to back out of it, but now that Lynette's got the whiff of juicy gossip, she's not letting go.
Just then, Ida the Drunk comes pulling up behind Lynette in a big silver American square box of a car. Lynette yells "just a second" to Ida, and then she turns back to Bree and pumps her for more info. Who? Who did Gabby sleep with? Ida honks, and Bree, looking increasingly uncomfortable, reluctantly whispers that it was Gabby's gardener. Lynette turns and looks over at Gabby's house and there, trimming the hedge, is Gabby's sweaty and shirtless and not-so-hot replacement gardener. Lynette's face curdles. Bree: "No, no. Not him! Helen Rowland's son, John!" Lynette, scandalized by this statutory news, gasps. Ida honks again, and Lynette yells for her to "wait, or...go around!" That Lynette, I think she gets a secret thrill forcing traffic to stop just so she can speak her piece. Lynette turns back to Bree and asks her if Gabby knows that Bree knows. Bree: "Absolutely not! I think the best thing to do is smile and pretend you don't know anything." Which, as we well know, is a particularly favorite mantra of Bree's. Fed up, Ida angrily backs up her car and slams on the brakes, managing to produce a squeal at 3 MPH, which is no small feat. Then she screeches her machine into Drive and bounces up onto the sidewalk beside Lynette, delivering a scathing look at Lynette as she rolls through the very narrow space between Lynette's car and the sweaty gardener. Bree turns and watches Ida go, and then she delivers a funny little "Huh!"
Julie and Susan walk up to Mike, who's lying on his back, working under his truck. Susan leans down and yells "Hi!" at him, and he startles and bangs his head painfully. Oh Susan! Susan gives her patent wince-and-"sorry," and Mike rolls out from under the truck and asks what's up. Susan: "We have an idea how to bring you and Zach together: bowling!" Oh god. Apparently Julie has "emailed Zach," and he's going to meet them there, and Mike should totally come! Mike asks if CreePaul knows, and Susan slyly reveals that he does not. Mike expresses some reluctance, which is very sane of him, but Susan talks him into it, explaining that since she's "part of" the reason things got so "screwed up" (only "part"?), she "just wants a chance to make thing right." Mike, still full of doubt, asks Julie if she's comfortable with this. Julie: "We talked to him. He's changed." Again I say: she knows this after just one teeny, weensy conversation? Mike: "Well, I guess we're...going bowling!" Susan and Julie and Mike laugh. Man, what a terrible idea. And speaking of terrible ideas...
...Bree, standing with a tray of juice and fruit and croissants, knocks on Andrew's bedroom door: "Wake up, sleepyhead! I brought fresh croissants for breakfast!" And then, after waiting maybe three seconds for a response, she just...opens the door! Surprise! It's an apparently naked Andrew lying in a tangle of blankets with an apparently naked Justin. Justin's eye flashes open and Bree takes a huge, scream-prep breath (but somehow manages not to drop her tray), and Justin sits up abruptly and, after adjusting the blankets to make sure that his nethers are covered, introduces himself as Andrew's "lab partner." Then Justin punches Andrew, who's somehow still asleep. Bree hisses that she wants to see Andrew downstairs. Justin looks horrified, but Andrew smiles a very self-thrilled little smile.
Downstairs, Bree orders Andrew to kick Justin out, but Andrew just makes a smarmy little quip about how they haven't even had breakfast yet. Bree, who is pretty frantic, threatens to "call the police and have [Justin] removed." Just the opening Andrew was waiting for! How will the police react, he wonders (his face a mask of fake concern), when they discover that Bree killed George? Startled, Bree denies killing George. Andrew: "No, but you sat there and let him die, which...I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure there's a crime in there somewhere." Andrew assures her that, while he's glad she let George die, when the cops arrive, his "official position" will be (and here he raises his voice in mock panic) "'Oh my god, I'm being raised by a homicidal maniac!'" He even threatens to "throw in a few tears." Bree, near tears herself: "You would actually let the police arrest your own mother?" Andrew: "Hey, we all gotta cut the apron strings at some point." I'm guessing Bree's wishing she spanked Andrew more as a kid, or at the very least let him take the fall way back when he ran down Mama Solis.
Tom gets out of a car, carrying baby Penny, who finally has some hair (up until now she's been eerily infant-like despite being almost two), and awkwardly tries to grab a bunch of groceries with his other hand but manages to drop a bag to the sidewalk. Gabby, who's jogging by (and looking very Barbie-licious in her pink track suit and pigtails), stops to help, and Tom hands Penny off to her. Gabby follows Tom inside as he juggles four packed bags along with a random plastic bag full of apples. Gabby: "Um Tom? I think she got sick." And, indeed, the front of her sweatshirt is covered in milky vomit. Tom laughs and turns it into a compliment: "Usually she only throws up on immediate family." Gabby: "I'm honored." The phone rings: it's Lynette, her boss loved her pitch, and she got off early! Also: she's by the grocery store, does Tom need anything? Tom is in the middle of telling her that he forgot to get bread when Gabby calls out that she needs a towel. A look of puzzled "what the...?" concentration crosses Lynette's face.
Cut to Lynette's car screeching to a halt in front of her house. Lynette sprints inside and greets a smiling Tom and Gabby, who are sitting around the table, mopping up Gabby's sweatshirt with paper towels. Tom asks Lynette if she got the bread, and she lies lamely that they were "out." Tom: "Of bread?" Lynette gives him a sort of "crazy, isn't it" look ["hey, our supermarket often runs out of our preferred brand -- it can happen!" -- Wing Chun], and then greets Gabby sunnily, saying how surprised she is to see her there. Gabby: "Well, I saw that Tom was overwhelmed, so I thought I'd give him a hand!" Which, while true, is maybe a little provocatively vague. ("I was jogging by just as Tom dropped some groceries so I helped him inside and now I'm cleaning your baby's 'compliment' bile off of my sweatshirt" would have been a little more sympathetic-sounding.) Gabby asks if there's a problem, and Lynette does a heinous job of pretending that there isn't. Gabby: "I sense that you're annoyed you found me here when you weren't home. Am I wrong?" Lynette is pointedly silent, and Tom finally clues in that something's going on, and asks what's up. Lynette, laughing her annoying "hahaha (not funny)" laugh, asks Gabby to explain, again, just what it is she's doing there? Gabby gets to her feet and yells, "If this has to do with that stupid little kiss the other night, I'm going to lose it!" Lynette tries to explain how the kiss combined with coming home to find Gabby alone with her husband might make a person think that Gabby is perhaps hitting on Tom. Gabby: "I have done nothing to deserve this kind of mistrust!" Lynette (prompting me to cringe hugely): "Well that's not entirely true...it's a small town. People talk." Tom, who's totally confused throughout this scene, asks again, "What's going on?" Gabby icily explains: "Your wife doesn't trust me around you because I had an affair with my teenage gardener." She gives Lynette a look of murder-death-kill and then zips up her sweatshirt menacingly. Oh, Lynette.
Back at home, a steamed Gabby is pacing around a bathrobed Carlos as he putts balls in their living room. (I guess he's recovered from his egg-poisoning, but not enough to head off to Africa just yet.) Gabby's thinking out loud about who might have told Lynette about John the Gardener. She rules out Susan, and then settles on John's mother, Helen, as the likely suspect; she starts ranting about who Helen might have told down at the salon and how clearly she and Carlos have to move, and so on. Throughout the tirade, Carlos just keeps putting along silently, until finally Gabby yells at him that she could use "some support." Carlos shrugs and tells her she brought it on herself. Gabby complains that it was a "harmless little kiss," but Carlos explains matter-of-factly that the neighbors don't see her as harmless; they see her as a "predator" re: her affair. And then he frosts that little cake of a revelation with a smug half-smile. Gabby traps Carlos's ball (his golf ball!) with her eight-foot-suede-spike-heeled foot and declares that she will tolerate Carlos rubbing her nose in the affair no more! In fact, it's time for him to go out and "even the score." That's right, she wants Carlos to sleep with another woman -- you know, to equal up the footing. She knows he wants to! Carlos scoffs, but Gabby insists: "Knock yourself out. Call up an old college flame. Rent a call girl. Fly to Africa and nail that little nun you've been drooling over." As an afterthought, she asks only that he not bring back any "diseases." Then she traipses upstairs while, in the foreground, Carlos raises a considering eyebrow. Oh Gabby. Gabby, Gabby, Gabby! Have you not seen The Big Chill? How about The Love Boat? Because if you have, then you know that this kind of offer will almost surely end with you doubled over in the shower, bawling and holding yourself close like a poor lost little match girl.
Over at the House of the Suspicious Mind, Tom gets into bed to (a very fuzzy-headed) Lynette and asks her if maybe she's overreacting about the Gabby thing. Lynette grudgingly agrees, but declares that she's just sore that Gabby doesn't feel like she's at all in the wrong. Tom isn't really convinced, so Lynette elaborates: "You are an attractive man. There is a primal need for a woman to protect what's hers." Tom, deadpan: "So you really think she's into me?" Ha ha! Lynette, who is too wrapped up in her crazy to see that he's poking fun, snippily declares that she doesn't really know if Gabby's into him. Tom, gazing off into the distance: "Because you're right. I am an attractive man. You know what?" He turns to Lynette and excitedly rambles, "I've never told you this, but sometimes, when I bend down to pick up the morning paper, I catch Bree Van de Kamp checking me out." Lynette, still not sure, takes off her glasses and asks him if he's kidding. Tom: "No! Scout's honor! I've always exuded a certain...sexual magnetism. And as I get older, I think it's only become more intense." Ha! Ex-tuba players are awesome. Lynette, flat-out incredulous now: "Are you drunk?" Tom, who's really warming to the story now, deepens his voice to the sub-register of a late-night DJ: "Oh, I'm a hot guy. Living in a neighborhood filled with nothing but lonely ladies. They can't help themselves. I'm like...catnip." Finally, finally Lynette laughs, and she pulls him in for a kiss. "Thank you," she tells him. "Thank you for reminding me that I'm the only woman in the whole world who could love an idiot like you." I wouldn't be so sure, Lynette. Have you seen the lusty postings on our Tom Scavo thread lately?
Betty and Matthew leave the house in their car, and PI Ironside (still keeping watch from his car despite Edie's sexy threats) takes the opportunity to coolly jimmy his way into the house. After searching all the obvious places, he finally happens down to the basement, where he and his bolt cutters make quick work of the padlock on the dungeon door. Caleb -- who, unlike last time, is now wearing manacles (maybe Betty and Matthew only go into full lock-down mode with Caleb when they leave the house?) -- jumps up onto the bed and flaps his hands in fear. PI Ironside, taking in the full effect of the shackles, laughs and says, "You gotta be kidding me." He unlocks Caleb's bracelets. Caleb: "Mama's going to be mad." PI Ironside, with a big, face-cracking grin: "Don't you worry about it: mamas love me." Once Caleb is free, PI Ironside orders him: "Let's go." But Caleb sort of randomly yells "No!" right in PI Ironside's face. PI Ironside looks taken aback for a second, and then he pats Caleb on the shoulder and says, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have talked to you like that. Let's start over." And then he cracks Caleb in the face with a mighty roundhouse. Caleb flips over the bed, ass over heels, and PI Ironside shakes his wounded punching paw with a grimace.
Cut to PI Ironside, upstairs at the Applewrong house. He's peeking out the front window, checking the coast for clearness. Wisteria Lane looks relatively free of suspicious characters, so PI Ironside walks over to the top of the basement stares and yells down to Caleb, who's manacled again and sitting crouched at the bottom of the stairs. But Caleb isn't budging. PI Ironside pulls his gun out of his waistband and starts barking out threats. Caleb, who's crying now (or maybe just really, really sweaty?), continues with the cringing and staring. Finally, PI Ironside sighs and starts stomping down the stairs. He's right in the middle of telling Caleb he's going to "beat the stupid right out of--" when the stair he steps on abruptly gives way. As he's falling, his gun flashes.
Seconds later, as PI Ironside dangles halfway through the staircase, he has just enough time to look at the bloody hole in his chest and then pointedly look at the gun in his hand before he leans forward and dies. I knew it! Ah, the inevitabilities of Wisteria Lane: just as we were so sure that Bree, with her pearls and her tray of fruit and croissants, was going to walk in on Andrew gaying it up, we also totally knew that the all-of-a-sudden rickety stairs were going to give out at a juicy moment. (Though, I must admit that I am surprised that after all that ominous, foreshadow-y huffing and puffing, Ironside's inhaler winds up having absolutely nothing to do with his demise. Quite the red herring! Touché, M. Cherry. Touché.)
Over at Blind Father-Son Date Night at the bowling alley, Julie manages to knock down all but one pin. Susan and Mike cheer for her, and then Mike notices Zana, who is nervously walking down to join the happy family. Susan jumps up to greet him, and he looks worriedly over at Mike: "Mr. Delfino, I didn't know you were going to be here." Mike spins a tale about how he just happened to come in to the alley to "bowl a few frames" and then, wow, he accidentally ran into Susan and Julie. Zana says that he guesses it's okay, and Susan and Mike exchange a super-obvious smile. Susan, in a defiance of physics and also all that is holy, manages to lift up a bowling ball with her skeletal arms and roll it down the lane. She gloats about getting "nine" and yells at Mike to "write it down." Zana gets up there and does an awesomely spastic job of immediately rolling the ball into the gutter. Susan and Mike exchange another huge look, and Zana apologizes to Mike. Mike encourageously tells Zana that it's fine, that he and Zana are "still close [to winning]" -- meaning, I guess, that the teams are Susan and Julie against Mike and Zana. Mike: "Anyway, Julie's totally going to choke." Julie flirtatiously raps Mike on the shoulder with her finger and tells him, "Just for that, I am NOT bringing you back a hot dog." Then she turns to Zana and asks if he wants one. Zana, confused, says yes. After Julie leaves, Zana stands there, staring weirdly at Mike and Susan. Susan -- who appears to be wearing bowling shoes are unlike any pair I've seen at a alley (not only are they spanking new, but they're comprised of some "ode to the '80s" color scheme of pink, yellow, and green) -- asks Zana what's wrong. Zana: "I don't understand what you're doing." Mike -- who for a second thinks their dumb Parent Trap plan has come unraveled -- asks Zana what he means. Zana explains that since he pointed a gun at Mike and Susan, they should hate him, not take him bowling. Susan says something about how Zana had an "incredibly hard year," and that she and Mike just want to help him "move on." Mike tells Zana how, when he was young, he too got mixed up in some "really bad stuff," and "even did time in prison." Zana looks impressed by this news. Mike: "Yeah, but when I got out, people were willing to forgive me. Everybody deserves a second chance." Oh really Mike? I thought your motto was one strike and you're out. Susan jumps up and makes a bumbling exit, encouraging Zana and Mike to "keep talking...and bowling, talk and bowl, bowl and talk" as she goes to help Julie with the tray of hot dogs. And Mike takes the cue, launching right in with some bowling tips for Zana. And voilà! Zana rolls the ball and knocks down all but two pins. Mike claps him on the back, and they smile and laugh. See? Being a father is easy!
Under the cover of darkness, Betty and Matthew lower dead PI Ironside into his own trunk. Matthew is patting down his pockets when Betty slams the trunk closed. Matthew tries to stop her but it's too late. It looks as though the keys to Ironside's car are now locked inside the trunk with his body. Betty looks panicked for a second, and then she bursts into giggles. Matthew gives her a funny look, and Betty, fanning her face, tells him, "Sometimes you just have to laugh." My friends and I spent a very long time trying to brainstorm ways they could have gotten inside the trunk (smash the window and pop the trunk? But what if his car is one of the many without a trunk-popper? Okay then, break the window, put the car in neutral and push the car into a less incriminating block. But what if someone sees them pushing the car? And wouldn't the steering wheel be locked without the key? What if they got AAA to come out and make them a new key? But then, wouldn't there be a record of the car being on Wisteria Lane? Maybe if they switched the car's plates...), and while none of our ideas were all that great, they were still better than just...standing there, laughing. Then again, the Fairview police being what they are (i.e., lame beyond all reason), there's not too much to worry about either way.
Andrew is hard at work playing a videogame when Bree (in a sumptuous Pinot-red V-neck sweater) strolls in front of the television and asks him to turn off his game. "My lawyer," she informs him with a smile, "would like to have a little chat with you." Karl steps up to Bree and smiles.
Cut to Karl sitting at the table, which has been set with placemats, plates, napkins, forks, coffee cups, and water glasses. Bree walks in with a plate of cookies just as Karl finishes up explaining the facts to Andrew: "So even though your mother did witness George Williams's suicide, there's no affirmative duty to intervene, therefore no crime was committed. Even if the police find out, your mom will never see the inside of a courtroom." ["Depraved indifference to human life? Come on, writers; we watch Law & Order." -- Wing Chun] Andrew counters with the supposition that maybe he "got the story wrong" -- maybe Bree went over to George's hotel room to help him commit suicide? Bree informs him that if he wants to try lying, then she's happy to sue him. Andrew, arms crossed defensively, asks "For what?" Karl: "For abuse of process. It's when a person tries to exploit the legal system for an improper purpose...like blackmail." Wow, "abuse of process"? "Affirmative duty to intervene"? It's like the show's gone and hired an actual lawyer to find out what's really legal and what's not! Crazy. Andrew, trying to find yet another workaround, says he's sure they won't sue him, since he's "just a kid." Bree, smiling the smile of a well-fed cat: "Oh, don't worry, I won't start garnishing your wages until you turn eighteen." Which, again, is when exactly? Karl: "Your mom. Is she a peach or what?" Andrew, smugly: "If the cops don't give a damn, I'm sure your friends will." Bree's satisfied smile falters. Andrew continues: "How does a little public humiliation sound?" Karl asks Bree for a refill, and she heads off to the kitchen. The second she's out of sight, Karl gets up and pulls Andrew along after him and then shoves him into a wall. Karl, all up in Andrew's face: "Your father was a friend of mine. If he were around to see what a nasty little turd you've turned into, he'd knock the hell out of you." Wow, go Karl! Andrew, still snotty, points out that, actually, his dad isn't around. Karl, inches from Andrew's face, and squeezing Andrew's cheeks violently with one hand: "No, he isn't. But if you don't get your act together and start treating your mother with some respect, I'll take care of you myself. You understand what I'm saying?" Andrew agrees, looking scared (but still with a glimmer of resentment hidden in there somewhere, which makes me think that Karl maybe should start watching his back), and Karl pats Andrew's cheek and returns to the table. In the kitchen, we see Bree with her back resting against the wall and a glass of wine nuzzled into her breast. She's been listening to every word and she now looks entirely pained. Awww. I don't want Bree to be a drunk!
Lynette comes home from work to find Carlos waiting for her out in front of her house. Carlos starts out tamely, thanking Lynette for "patching things up with Gabby." Carlos tells Lynette that it's been "really tough on [Gabby], with everybody finding out about the affair." Lynette, somewhat awkwardly (like, what is this about?), makes some noises about how she "can imagine." Carlos: "I don't mind telling you, it's been pretty tough on us these past couple months." Without taking a step closer to Carlos, Lynette leans waaaay over to give his shoulder a little rub and tells him she hopes that he and Gabby "work it out." Carlos smiles to himself and mutters, "Yeah, we're trying." Lynette turns to go inside, and Carlos pipes up: "You know! Gabby had an interesting suggestion." Here we go! Carlos explains about Gabby's brilliant scheme for him to have a retaliatory affair as a way to help their marriage. Lynette, smiling unsurely, asks him, "Why are you telling me this?" Carlos: "I guess I just wanted to know if you had any thoughts on the subject." Lynette, finally getting it: "I....don't [patented uncomfortable Lynette laughter]...I really...don't." Not at all fazed, Carlos smiles and tells her to let him know if ever she does...have...thoughts on the subject. Hm. I guess all of Carlos's choirboy aspirations have fallen by the wayside, what with trying to have an affair with a married woman? Lynette smiles and turns again to go inside (where, just feet away, her husband surely waits? Carlos? Hello?), when again Carlos calls her back (causing me to cringe, wee-wee-wee, all the way home). Carlos: "That was one hell of a kiss you gave me. You can't fake chemistry like that!" Why Carlos, are you ending your sentence with a proposition?
Zana is in his room, asleep, with a copy of Much Ado about Nothing open on his chest. CreePaul walks in, picks up the book, and smiles dotingly down at his adopted and semi-captive son. But what's this? CreePaul spies the bowling score card sitting in Zana's trash. The names "Julie, Mike, Susan, and Zach" are all clearly written on it. Seething, CreePaul drops the book on Zana's chest and slowly Zana opens his eyes. CreePaul, waving the scorecard: "What the hell is this?" ["Why would you bring it with you? If it was to remember the night, shouldn't it be pressed in his scrapbook, along with a ketchup packet?" -- Wing Chun]
Cut to CreePaul stomping out his front door and over to Mike's yard, where Mike is quietly raking up leaves. Paul walks up to him and yells, "Delfino!" Just as Mike turns, CreePaul gives him a big old sucker punch. Mike goes down, and CreePaul yells, "Stay away from my son!" and then turns and stalks away. A bloody-mouthed Mike gets up and runs up behind CreePaul and knocks him into some flowerbeds. Susan, who's driving by at just that second, yells, "Oh my god!" out her window. Momentarily distracted, Susan drifts into oncoming traffic and a car honks at Susan. She swerves and...runs right into the back of dead PI Ironside's car (making this the third time at least since we've met her that Susan's landed herself in a vehicular smashup -- I'm guessing her insurance rates are truly insane). Meanwhile, dead PI Ironside's trunk? Wouldn't you know it, it pops open! Hearing the collision, Mike runs over just as Zana comes out to help his dad. I wonder how Mike's going to fare in Zana's eyes after the fisticuffs with CreePaul? Though maybe any anti-Mike resentment will simply hasten the moment when the truth will finally be told (about Mike being Zana's dad). Matthew and Betty come out of their house just as Alberta the Cat Lady walks over. Alberta looks inside the trunk and lets out a blood-curdling scream. Susan, Mike, CreePaul, and Zana come over and take in the sight of dead PI Ironside. Susan and Mike look at CreePaul, and he throws his hands in the air, like a pantomime version of Caleb's "I didn't do it!" Still on their porch, Matthew and Betty exchange concerned glances. "Who's laughing now?!" I ask them. No wait, wait: "Laugh, and the world laughs with you, hide a body in a trunk along with the keys, and you cry alone!" say I! And...commercial.
Once again, quiet Wisteria Lane is awash with the strobe of police lights. (Forget the competition, isn't realtor Edie worried about the property values, which surely have plummeted after all the murders, burglaries, and hit-and-runs that have happened on this street.) As Susan gives her statement to the police, Lynette, Gabby, Edie, and Bree stand off to the side. Betty and Matthew are still standing in the exact same spot in front of their house, even though it's now completely dark out. Matthew to Betty: "Are you worried now? Because I am." Betty takes a deep, invigorating breath and tells him, "Not yet. Just be patient. See what happens." Susan rejoins the Ladies, and together they debrief. Gabby wonders if the latest body is CreePaul's work, but Susan ixnays the idea, explaining that CreePaul seemed as surprised as everyone else by the surprise in the trunk. Edie, with the eye-contact-laden enthusiasm of someone telling a good ghost story: "I think it's the Applewhites. I talked to the dead guy, and he said he was doing an appraisal on their house? Well...I got a little cheesed, so I called every realtor in town. Nobody had even heard of him." (Hmm, do the police know this? If not, why are they talking to Susan and not Edie?) Edie goes on to dish out that the Applewrongs are also "fishy" because they bought their house sight unseen. Gabby: "And they did move in the middle of the night." Susan: "And then there were the noises." All the ladies turn and look at her quizzically. Susan: "A couple of weeks ago, I heard some noises coming from the basement, like a clanging. I asked Betty about it, [and] she lied right to my face." Lynette: "What's that about?" Ha! As a unit, all five women turn and look over at Betty and her son. Betty and Matthew smile and wave, and the ladies, looking suspiciously blank-faced, wave back weakly. Betty, to Matthew: "Now I'm worried."
Later, Zana is out in front of his house, strumming away on his guitar, when a car full of kids pulls up in front of Julie's house and Julie hops out. Zana yells, "JULIE!" and she turns and walks over. Zana is sad to inform her that his dad found out about the bowling, so they're not going to be doing that again any time soon. (The news about the body in the trunk would have been a punchier lead, Zana, just FYI.) Julie, who really is very nice, seems genuinely sad for Zana, and she tells him how very sorry she is about the lack of bowling in their future. Zana rushes to tell her how glad he is that they went, though: "I haven't felt like part of a family in a long time. Thanks." Zana turns to go back inside, and Julie grabs his arm and gives him a kiss on his cheek. Oh, Julie. I understand the sentiment, but I hope you realize that you're playing with fire putting your lips anywhere near that buttoned-up boy. It seems that Sophie's and Susan's penchant for creating trouble has been passed down to Julie, after all!
And then MAVO kicks in with her summary (which, I feel compelled to point out, ties in rather delightfully to both the opening MAVO as well as the overall "consequences of kissing" theme, which wends its way throughout this particular show...I say this only because far too often the MAVO "theme" is completely divorced from the rest of the show, and I really do like how nicely everything gelled together this week): "The act itself never varies, but each kiss carries with it a meaning all its own. It can convey a husband's eternal devotion..." Lynette and Tom kiss in bed. "...Or a wife's enormous regret..." Gabby puts her arms around Carlos and kisses him forlornly. "It can symbolize a mother's growing concern..." Betty kisses Matthew on the forehead. "...Or a lover's growing passion..." Justin necks with Andrew under the gazebo. "But whatever its meaning --" Karl and Edie make out on the couch "-- each kiss reflects a basic human need..." Alberta the Cat Lady kisses her cat. "The need to connect to another human being." Bree kisses a photo of Rex. "This desire is so strong, it's always amazing when some people don't understand it." Zana and Julia stand out in front of Zana's house as CreePaul looks on ominously from the window. Uh oh. Who's CreePaul going to brain with a appliance ?
WEEK: Susan meets a younger man, Gabby flashes the gardeners, and Lynette wants Tom to get a vasectomy.