By Evany
The police question Mike about the dead woman with his phone number penned to her hand, but Mike doesn't even remember Seasons 1 or 2, so he hardly can be expected to remember this mystery woman. Tom leases an ultra-rundown restaurant space sans checking in with Lynette first, which causes Lynette's head to explode, which in turn causes Tom to decide to spend the night at the pizzeria. Snora brings him dinner, along with lots and lots of wine, and then tries to eat his face off. Jarred by the sudden snakebite, Tom realizes he still loves Lynette, even though she's a wonder-killer, and he hightails it home. Displaying unexpected smarts, Tom actually tells Lynette about Sssnora's sssneaky ssseduction, and Lynette goes and kicks in Snora's door and then threatens to snap her spine if she comes within lip-distance of Tom ever, never again. Susan makes a surprise visit to the hospital and interrupts Edie and Mike right in the middle of an "exam." Sad Susan goes and gets all drunk with Lynette and Gabby, and then lurches over to Plan B's house. Per Susan's usual brilliant timing, Ian is hosting a big party, which means that when Susan staggers in and tells him how her heart has a hole with a wheel inside a wheel inside an oyster shaped like Ian, or something, and then barfs hugely, there's an embarrassment of witnesses. Gabby discovers a contract offering Carlos a job with a juicy, two-million-dollar salary, so she decides to keep the marriage kindled long enough to get half. Ah, but it turns out that conniving Carlos planted the contract, a fact he waits until after Gabby has sexed him to reveal. He gleefully tells her he did it all to hurt her and regain the upper hand, and Gabby pushes him out the window. Carlos, covered in cuts and shards of glass, limps back inside and officially declares war on Gabs. Jackie from Roseanne apologizes to Bree and Orson for accusing him of being a wife-killing sociopath. As a demonstration of the new state of goodwill, Bree, Orson, Jackie, and Jackie's husband all have dinner together at the club. The ladies hit the powder room, and Jackie gives Bree a police report and evidence photos of a severely beaten Alma (Orson's ex): apparently, Orson has a documented history of spousal abuse. Meanwhile, back a the table Jackie's husband confesses to Orson that he had an affair with a woman named Monique -- as in the Monique whom Mike can't remember and whom Orson adieued so suspiciously at the morgue. Edie surprises Mike by dressing up like a sexy nurse, but something about her "tada" jogs loose a memory: Mike thinks he may remember this Monique. Perhaps intimately. Orson places an anonymous phone call to the police, identifying the body as Monique and then tattling on Jackie's husband for being Monique's mister. Why? Huh? Who? Wha? Exactly.
Previously: Susan gave Ian the heave-ho (emphasis on ho) the very instant Mike woke up from his coma; Jackie fromRoseanneaccused Orson of murdering his wife, and Carlos made Gabby waffles.
Okay, so this week's MAVO theme is "Confession is good for the soul." And the confessional poster girl? Edie Brit. Edie walks into Saint Timothy's church and smiles at "Father O'Malley," whom she's apparently been scandalizing with her hair-raising confessions ever since she was a little girl. But I thought she told Julie that she started out as a good girl? And hey, isn't Edie a Methodist? But whatever storyline inconsistencies we have going on here are totally obliterated by the outfit Edie's wearing in this scene: it's a beautiful heather-grey knit suit with a flared-hem skirt that is so beyond awesome that it blasts all other thoughts besides "wow" from the mind. What is that, an asymmetrical row of sweet wood buttons? Oh sweet suit, marry me! I believe a holy union between me and clothing is legal in like Hawaii, no? Yes?
We montage back on Edie's past confessions: the time she "seduced the cable guy," her "affair with a folk-singing duo," how she "let Rabbi Littman get to third base." Through the mesh of the screen, we can see that the outfits Edie has selected to wear to these individual confessions are all pretty insane. For the cable-guy confession, she's wearing a baseball cap cocked high on her head, "gee Wally" style. For her detour into the folk singing threeway, she's wearing a gingham check blouse with pigtails. And for her slip with the rabbi, she's wearing a huge white Kentucky Derby hat with a strapless dress. Throughout all the costume changes, however, the diamond cross around Edie's neck remains consistent. MAVO tells us how, after each scintillating confession, the good Father always told Edie to get out there and "sin no more," and yet "temptation seemed to be everywhere." Edie and her wonder-suit stroll into Mike "Temptation" Delfino's hospital room, and she dazzles him with a smile. Seriously, you could rob a bank in that suit. You wouldn't need a gun; people would take one look at the soft, gentle knit of that suit -- oh god, it's cashmere, right? -- and hand over everything they had.
We theme-cut from Bree's doorstep over to Susan's. Ian has come a-knocking. Susan, who is outside doing some gardening, ducks behind her car to avoid talking to him. Oh, Susan. But nice Mrs. McCluskey just happens to be strolling by, and even though Susan motions frantically for the old lady's silence, Mrs. McC maliciously outs Susan's hiding spot by bellowing a huge hello. Susan being Susan, she lamely tries to explain the fact that she's cowering behind her car by saying that she just dropped her "trowel," but the way she says it, it sounds very much like it's her "trou" she's dropped, as in pants. Which wouldn't be out of character, really. Ian totally confronts Susan on trying to avoid him, and she readily fesses up; it's just that things were so "awkward and complicated" the last time they talked. But Ian isn't there to feel the feelings. He's there to invite Susan to a party he's throwing for an "editor friend," who he thinks Susan really ought to meet. Oh that's right, Ian does work in publishing. And I guess so does Susan -- all they've been doing lately is hanging out at the hospital and having sex in bubble baths, so I kind of forgot that either of them had a job. Ian, fishing for details about Susan's love life, tells her she's welcome to bring a date, which he uses to segue to Mike and "that blonde woman who's been visiting him." Susan dismisses Edie as "just a neighbor" who "visits Mike after her Hepatitis-C treatments." The scene ends awkwardly with Ian pointing to Susan's nose and motioning like she's got some dirt there, but I can't really see anything, so I guess Ian was making a joke, I don't know.
Back once again with Carlos and Gabby and the lawyers. This setup -- the table, Carlos on this side, Gabby on that side, lawyers everywhere -- is getting fantastically old, both the scenery and the whole cantankerous divorce itself. They do some "my stuff, your stuff" bickering, just like last time, and finally Carlos -- who apparently is as sick of this storyline as I am -- stands up and tells his lawyer just to give Gabby what she wants. After all, it's "just stuff." Gabby looks suspicious. Or maybe it's just that she's having trouble breathing in that very tight and insane purple satin top?
Lynette knocks on a dirty door that reads "EST. 1939": Tom peeks his head out and orders her to close her eyes. Before he gives her the go, he wants her to promise that she'll use not her eyes but her "imagination" to look at the space. But Lynette's imagination isn't up to the sight before her, which she describes as "a dump." I don't know. It actually doesn't look all that bad to me -- mostly just dusty, which doesn't really seem like too big a problem. Tom pluckily grants that the place is a "fixer-upper." Lynette: "It's a burner-downer." Tomayto/tomahto, it doesn't matter anyway because Tom's already signed the lease. Lynette screams and hollers. Tom says, "There were multiple offers, I had to move fast." They do some more of the "you don't believe in me"/"you're an idiot" battling we've become so familiar with, and then, just as Tom says that this place is "the best opportunity of [his] life," a rat runs across the floor. They stand there in an awkward silence. Again, I don't really see what the problem is: Tom's already proven himself an effective rat killer. Dictator Lynette snaps into action and informs Tom that they'll just have to sublease the place to one of the other interested parties. Tom yells that she "promised to support [his] dream." Lynette: "My mistake, I assumed you'd have a dream worth supporting." Tom, all quiet, thinks that he'll sleep at the pizzeria tonight. Lynette tries to leave, and the doorknob falls off in her hand. Lynette is horrible; Tom is two.
Down at the club. Bree and her doubles partner, "Rebecca," are celebrating the win of their latest match in some tournament. Tish walks by, and Bree greets her warmly, but Tish totally snubs her. And apparently Tish isn't the only one: Bree's been getting snubbed all around the club. Rebecca dishes that Tish is actually good friends with Jackie from Roseanne. Bree is confused: Jackie and Bree made up yesterday. Well, suggests Rebecca, maybe Tish has yet to receive the memo? Bree asks Rebecca if she believes the silly, ridiculous Orson rumors. Rebecca, guiltily: "Bree, you're the best doubles partner I've ever had; can we talk about this after the tournament?" Bree, looking determined, gets up and heads over to the club restaurant to make dinner reservations for tonight, "under the names 'Hodge' and 'Bigsby.'" Also, she wants a nice, big, high-profile table right in the middle of the dining room.
The three Ps are gathered around the table, grilling Lynette about her fight with Tom. Lynette, who's busy packing up a suitcase for Tom, explains that adults, like kids, sometimes need a "time-out." Proving just how adult she is, Lynette tops off Tom's suitcase with a sprinkling of cereal. Which, while wildly immature and a terrible example for her to let her kids see, still seems pretty tame -- at least she didn't pee in anything. Hey look, here's a little nod to continuity: the Scavo dog, SLAVP (Stop Looking At Vaginas, Please), is actually in this scene. Also in this scene: Kayla, eavesdropping from the hallway.
Cut to Kayla on the phone with Snora, reporting in about Lynette and Tom's big fight, and how Tom's now sleeping down at the restaurant. Snora praises Kayla for a job well done, and tells her to go on and "keep those little ears open." That said, it doesn't really seem like Kayla is deliberately spying on the Scavos -- more like she's upset over the reported fight and is (misguidedly) looking to her mother for comfort. Or maybe I'm wrong and Kayla is a manipulative monster. She also may or may not be a robot; there's something creepily Small Wonderful about that child.
Casa Endless Divorce. An envelope arrives for Carlos, and Gabby catches him guiltily locking it away in his desk. Gabby encourages Carlos to take a shower, citing his post-work-out sweat-hog-ness. And he does look extremely sweaty in this scene -- very sparkly. While he's in the shower, Gabby sneaks the key out of his shorts, opens his desk, and faxes her lawyer the contents of the envelope. She has a rough moment when Carlos gets out of the shower and puts on his shorts before she gets the chance to return the key, but she sidesteps it by demanding that he hand the shorts over to be washed. Carlos, disbelievingly: "You want to wash my shorts?" Gabby: "I don't want to, but if you wear them one more time, they're going to ask me themselves." He slips them off, hands them over, and just as she's almost free, he calls her back over and digs the key out of the pocket: it appears as though sly Gabby's managed to sleight-of-hand the key back into place just in time.
Outside, Gabby's on the phone with her lawyer, who explains that the contract is a $2 million job offer for Carlos. Plus stock options. But the thing is, Gabby doesn't see a penny of that money if the divorce goes through before Carlos signs the contract. Gabby: "That conniving, underhanded snake. Thank god I broke into his desk." Gabby's eyes light up with that special scheming shimmer, and she asks what would happen if the divorce were delayed somehow.
Oblivious Susan struts onto the coma ward carrying flowers and wearing a floating, multi-patterned Uli-style dress. She heads right on in to Mike's room and...there's Edie, stripped down to her bra and riding Mike like he's a prize-winning bronco, only he's not doing much bucking. He's actually just kind of lying there. Susan turns and runs up the hall, dropping flowers in her wake. Hey, I didn't know Edie was into necrophilia.
COMMERCIALS: Salma Hayek unleashes her hounds on Ugly Betty.
Back at home, Susan dumps the rest of her flowers in the trash can out front. Lynette, who's out on her porch sipping a drink, invites Susan over to join her: "I suckered Mrs. McCluskey into taking the kids for awhile so I could kick back and catch up with my old friend, Margarita." For a second, Susan pretends that she's a good parent and has to make dinner for her daughter, but no: without even bothering to pop inside the house and give Julie a heads-up, Susan sits right down with Lynette and starts drinking. Though maybe Susan is just lashing out at Julie for her "He's not that into you!" zinger last week. That would be much better parenting.
Cut to Lynette and Susan, sitting on the Scavo porch, drinking their drinks, their bare feet kicked up on the wicker-and-glass coffee table. It should be noted that the boards were aflame with complaints over the filthiness of Susan's feet in this scene, but I don't think they're all that bad. They seem the normal amount of dirty for someone wearing leather flip-flops for the day. Certainly, I've seen a lot worse. Though I guess I did grow up in Marin County, which is the HQ of dirty hippie feet. Susan and Lynette are talking about how Susan could "kill Edie without doing any time." Susan: "I wish Paul Young were still around; he'd know what to do." But Paul actually is doing time, so maybe he's not the best consultant on this one. Gabby comes jogging by, and the ladies lure her into joining them as they drown the "pain" of their "miserable lives." Gabby: "Oh. I was trying to do that with exercise, but why risk a heart attack? Make mine a double."
Coma Coitus Ward. Ghostbuster Ridley and one of his little copper friends show Mike a sketch of the dead woman -- you know, the one who had Mike's phone number written on her hand when she died. But Mike has no memory of her. Is James Denton maybe going a little overboard with the Botox these days? Because even though Mike has lost his memory, there's nothing medically wrong with his ability to express emotion, right? Edie helpfully explains that, due to Mike's accident, everything "after 2004" is "fuzzy." The cops are skeptical. Ghostbuster Ridley goes to leave, but then he turns back and pulls a Columbo on Mike, casually mentioning that Mike once killed a cop, like this tidbit only just now occurred to him. Mike gets all defensive (as much as a piece of wood can get defensive), all, "I ain't afraid of no ghost!" Ghostbuster: "Are you always this angry, Mr. Delfino? Or can't you remember?" The "Total Burn" music swells.
Down at the Pizza Pit. Snora shows up in a pair of rutting heels and a tight little plaid dress, which, according to this month's In Style, is very "in" right now (see "Crazy for Celtic," pp. 274-282). Her hair looks very elaborate, with maybe two solid hours' worth of hot roller action, and she's also wearing lots of makeup and a very pretty gold sparrow necklace (add that to wish list). She's brought Tom dinner, and also wine, lots and lots of wine.
Cut to a table littered with plundered Chinese food boxes and empty wine glasses. Tom, holding the empty bottle, slurs, "I can't pronounce this wine, which means it's either rrreally expensive, or I have had too much." Snora presents Tom with another bottle as she starts trash-talking Lynette as being a "Negative Nelly" for not loving the restaurant. Tom sort of defends Lynette, admitting that the restaurant business is actually pretty risky. Snora puts her hand on Tom's arm and tells him that she thinks he has a "real aura of success." Tom's eyes water gratefully, like he's an abused dog receiving affection for the first time in its long, sad life. She whispers, "I believe in you, Tom Scavo," and leans in for a kiss. His eyes go from sad puppy to frightened deer, and for a short, drunken second, he leans in for that kiss, too, but then he pushes her away. Immediately, he snaps into "let's get our stories straight" mode. He asks her what just happened, she says they kissed, he clarifies that she kissed him, and she tsks that he clearly wanted to be kissed. Snora tries to play it like Tom was leading her on, what with his "my wife doesn't get me" bit and all the sexy wine drinking, but Tom clarifies that he was just "looking to vent." "Well," Snora mumbles, in a calculatedly sexy way, "when opportunity knocks..." and then she dives in for a second round. Tom leaps into the air, and wine spills everywhere. He yells that he loves Lynette. Snora, disdainfully: "Really, you mean the one who thinks you're a loser?" Tom: "No, the one who loves me enough to keep me from screwing up." Snora says something creepy and threatening about how he really ought not to have led her on, and then she leaves. Tom wipes off his mouth in disgust.
Margaritaville. Lynette, Gabby, and Susan are well beyond "buzzed" and swiftly rounding the corner to "shit-faced, assholed, absolutely legless" territories. An elderly couple walks by just as Gabby slurs, "Tequila makes me happy." The couple stares, and Gabby trash-talks them. Lynette has enough sober in her to cringe just a bit: she actually knows this couple; they live over on Cypress, and they just celebrated their fifty-third wedding anniversary. Slurry Susan: "Showoffs." Slurry Gabby: "Don't worry, it won't last." Susan muses drunkenly on what the Cypress couple's "secret" might be, and Lynette suggests that it's that "the man never opened a pizza place." Suddenly, the math dawns on Susan: she's never going to celebrate a fifty-third wedding anniversary -- not unless she makes it into her "nineties." I think I've had this actual conversation with actual girlfriends over actual margaritas. There's just something about tequila that can put a girl into a melancholy math sort of mood. After a few cricket chirps, Susan hilariously says, "Oh my god. I'm going to die." (Note to Teri Hatcher: the scene, I believe, calls for "inebriation," not "dental emergency Novocaine face.") Lynette hands Susan a lime and tells her to "bite on this."
While Susan's mouth is gagged full of lime, Gabby takes her turn: she has something to confess. Susan: "Oh god, here she goes again. What grade is he in this time?" But no. The big secret is...Gabby still loves Carlos. Like that's a secret. Poor drunk, self-deluded Gabby. Lynette: "Yeah, he's hot." Nice callback to that wet revenge kiss Lynette planted on Carlos back in Season 2. Susan and Gabby give Lynette twin muddled frowns. Then Susan baby-voices that Gabby should try to "patch things up" with Carlos. Gabby thinks about it for a second, then: "Nah, I already paid a lawyer. I'm taking him down."
Then it's Lynette's turn. She blames herself for this blowup with Tom. "I want him to have what he wants," she realizes, "if it's what I want." Man, so satisfying to finally see this self-aware side of Lynette, even if it's only because she's seventy-eight sheets to the wind. Lynette: "I'm a bitch, with a capital 'C'." (Citch, what's a citch?) (Please don't email me. I know actually what it is. Hint: it rhymes with "bunt.") Gabby throws a lime at Lynette and clucks that she's a "great wife, and a great mother." Gabby takes a few beats, gives a puzzled look around, and asks, "Although...don't you have children?" Such a good scene, right? The writers need to get these girls sauced more often.
And back to Susan. She sighs that she "had passion with Mike," but that she also had "drama, lots of drama." Tearfully, she pouts: "Love isn't supposed to be that hard." Lynette stands up and kisses Susan's head maternally as she absently pours her entire drink out onto the porch. And then, DING, Susan is over Mike and on to Ian. Don't blink, because really it happens that fast. "With Ian," says Susan, "everything was always easy. That's the kind of guy I could see myself living into my nineties with." Wait, just so we're clear: Susan has a pitcher of margies and now suddenly she's given up on Mike, the man she supposedly wanted to marry just six short months ago, and moved on to some Englishman with whom she shared dubious chemistry? Either she's just in drunken-dial booty-call mode, or she's tragically needy, or she never loved Mike in the first place. I vote for "needy," because this whole Ian realization feels way too convenient; if Mike had been even vaguely into her, Susan totally would never have come to this conclusion. Both Gabby and Lynette urge Susan to go to Ian, like right now. Just then, a cab pulls up in front of the house. Lynette: "Look Susan, god called you a cab." Except god didn't call the cab; Ida Greenberg called the cab. Romantic (and drunk and desperate), Susan just pretends her name is "Ida" and hops into the cab. As they pull away, we see Ida standing on the curb with a huge pile of luggage to her. What, so the old lady misses her flight. Big deal. These are very extenuating circumstances: Susan has to get over to her man's house stat, because she has an appointment with his great, white, porcelain throne and she just can't miss it. But I get ahead of myself.
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Susan knocks on Ian's door, and already you can hear party sounds coming from within. That's right: thanks to Susan's spectacular timing, she's managed to stage a booty call right in the middle of Ian's big party. Drunk, self-involved Susan doesn't quite piece it together right away. She staggers into the house and throws herself down on the golden velvet circular settee thing in the grand gala entryway. Wow, Ian really is rich. Finally, Susan notices the waiters running around with hors d'oeuvres and figures out what night this is. Ian is temporarily confused: why is she there if not to party? Susan smiles coyly: she has some things she wanted to talk about. Whatever the reason, Ian's glad she decided to come, because he really did want her to meet this editor, "Judith." Susan doesn't think that's the smartest idea: "I didn't really bring my A game." Ian leans in for a closer look, and finally he notices that she's "sloshed." Susan giggles, and Ian, to his credit, appears pretty amused. A waiter walks past with a huge plate of oysters, and Susan gets a look on her face like she's got that "not so fresh" feeling. A partygoer overhears Ian using Susan's name and comes darting over to meet this woman Ian's been gushing to everyone about. Hm, I would have thought he'd be keeping his feelings for Susan on the Down Low, what with still being married and all. Ian asks the guy to give them a minute. The guy leaves.
Ian sits down, and Susan slurs that she just wanted to tell him "what's really in [her] heart." As is so often the case with Susan, it's hard to look. Ian -- who, I guess, picked up an oyster somewhere back there -- takes a huge slurp of it right in Susan's face. Her face curdles and she makes a mad dash for the bathroom. The same party guest guy immediately returns to Ian's side just so that he can say how great Susan seems -- which is kind of weird; what, the guy was hovering four inches away, anxiously awaiting the moment when he could cast his vote about Susan? Ian agrees that Susan is, indeed, "delightful." Right on cue, the bathroom explodes with huge, epic sounds of barfing. (Wow, is she wired for sound in there?) Seconds later, an important-looking woman stumbles out of the bathroom. I guess Susan didn't quite make it to the toilet, seeing as it was otherwise occupied. In which case, why wasn't the door locked? Or maybe Ian is the kind of rich that has that separate sink chamber/foyer for the bathroom? Anyway, the woman is totally grossed out, and everyone at the party is staring. Blackout Susan lurches out of the bathroom and slurs an apology. Susan really does not look her best; I wouldn't even call this her D-game. Ian, about Susan's new hurl buddy: "I see you've met Judith." Susan does a Susan-y cringe-peep and retreats back into the bathroom.
Down at the club. Gary, Jackie, Orson, Bree, and Bree's cleavage are having dinner. (When they said Marcia Cross is pregnant with twins, I didn't know they were speaking metaphorically.) They're all laughing about Gary's hilarious "hole in one" story, but Bree is obviously distracted. Then Tish walks by, and Bree springs into action. She calls Tish over and introduces her to Jackie. Tish's face registers surprise as she admits that she already knows Jackie. Bree casually mentions the "decorations committee" for the "Christmas gala," and Tish notes that she must have stupidly forgotten to include Bree on the list of participants, but that she'll be sure to call Bree first thing the morning. Bree is satisfied. Tish leaves, and Jackie declares that she needs to visit the ladies' room (yeah, her hairdo could use a little seeing to; right now it looks like an insane mass of melted plastic). Jackie invites Bree along, and Bree happily joins her.
Once inside the bathroom, Jackie sends the bathroom attendant off for more tissues; then she pulls out a little sheath of papers. Paper-clipped to the front is a photo of Alma. She has a swollen lip and a black eye, and her collarbone is scraped and bruised. The attached paper is a copy of the "police report Alma filed after Orson hit her." I find it weird that Jackie didn't mention any of this when she came ranting at Bree and Orson's engagement party, but she claims that she wanted to spend a little social time with Bree so that Bree could see that Jackie wasn't "some nut." Jackie: "I'm sorry -- if something like [Alma's injuries] ever happened again, I could never forgive myself." The bathroom attendant returns with the tissues, and Jackie hands them to Bree: "I had a feeling you might need these." And the "What, Now? Just When We Were Starting To Like Orson?" music soars.
Back at the table, Gary confesses to Orson he had an affair with a woman named "Monique" (uh oh). Gary's in love with this woman (he met her on a "flight from Paris," in case that ever turns out to be pertinent), but she up and disappeared "a few months ago." Gary just happens to have a photo of Monique in his wallet -- strange behavior for a man who doesn't want his wife to find out about the affair, but okay. Orson looks at the photo (Monique, perhaps significantly, is a redhead just like Alma, and hey Bree, too), and the "This Is That Dead Woman, The One Orson Spoke French to Down at the Morgue" music roars. So Monique disappeared just a few months ago? Well, that leaves Coma Mike well out of it, at least.
Tom comes home and tentatively asks Lynette what she's been doing. Lynette: "Oh, just a quiet night with the girls." Lynette puts down the garbage bag she has in her hand, and it clinks meaningfully. (Isn't that the same device they used when Lynette busted Bree for her drinking problem?) So Tom and Lynette apologize, and Lynette tells him, "Any wife can support a husband who never takes risks, and I don't want that kind of husband, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be that kind of wife. So you open that pizza place, and we will find a way to make it work." Aww. FINALLY. Tom looks at her, he hugs her, he kisses her, he tells her loves her. And then he stands there staring at her. Oh please Tom, please don't be an idiot. Just tell Lynette about this Snora thing, because you just know that that woman is going to try and blackmail you and it's going to lead to some shitty, Three's Company cover-up plot, and I'm going to have to recap it, and I just don't think I can face it. And surprisingly enough, Tom doesn't disappoint: he tells Lynette exactly what happened.
Cut to Lynette high-kicking Snora's door open. Pow! Lynette stands there, looking insanely tough, her tongue pressing out against her cheek, and Snora immediately starts stuttering and lying that Tom totally started it. Snora's hairdo has not weathered well; it's looking very Robert Smith circa "Love Cats." (Actually, I recently saw footage of a Cure reunion show, and his hair still looks exactly the same, and still with the red "smeared clown" lipstick all over his face, except that now Robert weighs about a hundred pounds more than he used to. But even trim and in the context of the hairy '80s, it was never a good look.) Lynette makes like she's going to kick Snora's ass, but just then, Kayla comes out of her room. Lynette tells the girl in calm, soothing tones that everything's fine, and that she should go back into her room and "play." Snora: "Kayla! Don't move." So Snora's hiding behind her daughter here. Nice. Lynette takes a deep breath, smiles, and says, "Never mind, I'm leaving." Snora looks visibly relieved. Lynette heads toward the door, but at the last second she dives at Snora, saying to Kayla, "I'm just going to give your mom a hug." And while Lynette's right up close to Snora's ear, she icily whispers that Snora is longer allowed anywhere near the Scavo family. When she drops off Kayla, it'll be down at the end of the block: "And if you try to [see Tom], I will do to your spine what I just did to your front door." As my mother would say, "You go, girl."
COMMERCIALS: How is it that What About Brian is still on the air? Is it simply because everyone is holding out until they explain why there's no question mark after "Brian"?
Susan stumbles downstairs wearing her shortie robe and some flower-covered briefs that she must have stolen off some eight-year-old. Ian is downstairs. He brought Susan home last night and slept on the couch. And now he's brewed fresh coffee. Ian is a saint. Susan doesn't remember a thing from last night, which is pretty impressive: a forty-something mom drinking to the point of a barfing blackout. I'm sure Julie's very proud. You know, wherever she is. To help jog Susan's memory, Ian plays a game of Susan or Booze: when Susan told Ian, while in her dark, vomit-soaked blackout, that she "missed" him, was that Susan or the drink? Answer: Susan. When Susan said "it was a mistake" dumping Ian, and she wants to start dating him again. Susan or the tequila? Answer: Susan. (Let it be noted that Susan is sitting on a chair with her knees pulled up under her chin and she's baby-talking coquettishly like she's maybe six and is in general pretty revolting in this scene.) Ian: "Then you said that you wanted to dress me up like a schoolboy and spank my naughty schoolboy bottom: Susan or the booze?" Susan scolds him; she "never said that!" Ah, but if she had said such a thing, what would it have been, Susan or the Booze? Susan: "A little of both, so...Boosan." They laugh over her clever portmanteau. Then Ian kisses her, right on her vomit and coffee-drenched mouth. And again I say: if Mike had been in any way shape or form interested in Susan, this resurgence with Ian would totally not be happening, so I'm just not getting the "awww" factor here.
The phone rings at Ghostbuster Ridley's desk. A man (okay ORSON) tells GR that the name of the "Jane Doe in the morgue" is "Monique Beaulier," and that she was having an affair with "Harvey Bigsby." The Ghostbuster tries to get the anonymous tipster to come on down and give a "statement," but Orson -- who has a hankie over the mouthpiece of a payphone -- hangs up. So he just threw his friend Gary/Harvey under the bus?
Ugh, back to Carlos and Gabby. I'm actually totally fine if we just skip this. But okay, fine: Gabby insists that Carlos come in and help her zip up her dress. Carlos: "Man, this is really stuck; it looks like somebody put superglue on it or something." Gabby: "Huh." Three seconds later, she's taken off the dress and stands there in her bra and scanties, asking him to help her...put on her stockings. Because she has "raggedly nails" and doesn't want a run. Whatever. So they do the sex, obviously.
The cops pull up at the cast of Roseanne's house. Gary is out front, watering the lawn. Ghostbuster Ridley shows Gary a photo of Monique, and Gary looks stricken. He immediately admits that they were "sleeping together," and then asks G. Ridley if they "can do this somewhere else." Suspicious Jackie watches the whole scene unfold from inside the house.
The Gablos is done with the sex. Gabby ham-fistedly leads the conversation to talk of a reunion tour ("it's not like we're going to find this kind of passion with anyone else"). Carlos: "Baby, if you knew how long I've been waiting to hear you say--" but before he can finish, he busts into laughter. He knows that Gabby seduced him because of the job offer. Gabby tries to feign enthusiasm over the "news" of his new job. Carlos: "Gabby, please. You're a model, not a model-slash-actress." Anyway, he set the whole thing up so that he could get her on the line and then reject her himself -- you know, give her a taste of her own medicine after that super shitty move last week with the waffles and the sex flaunting. Carlos, standing to put on his boxers: "You don't get to screw around on me, take my money, and then walk away without a scratch, I want you hurting, baby." Revenge, it appears, is a dish best served hot and steamy and between the sheets. Gabby comes around to Carlos's side of the bed, and they yell there, back and forth. She shoves him, and since he's off-balance what with trying to put on his pants...
...Carlos flies right through the second-story window. Gabby freaks out. (Maybe she does still love Carlos? Oh, it's all so very complicated, and boring.) She runs over to the window, and there's Carlos, cut up and lying on top of the bushes below. Gabby runs and calls 911, and while she's on the phone, she looks outside again, and Carlos is gone! It's an ominous Halloween sort of moment, but with no real payoff: Carlos just walks through the front door, pieces of glass stuck all over him, and says, "Oh yeah, it's on."
And yes, pour the margaritas, because it's time for the MAVO send-off. The theme, once again, is "confession." Down at Saint Timothy's, an older, Bea Arthur sort of woman comes out of confession, looking upset. MAVO says something about how sinners who confess expect "absolution," but that "not all sinners are worthy of forgiveness."
The camera pans across Snora, who's huddled at the base of her couch, crying. MAVO: "Most who unveil hidden agendas deserve the condemnation they receive."
Carlos, looking as though he's been ridden hard and put away bleeding, sits on the side of the bed, all glums. MAVO: "Most who disclose vengeful motives merit the punishment that follows."
Susan and Ian cuddle together on the couch. MAVO: "Only the truly repentant have any right at all to expect a second chance." Wait, what? What have Susan and Ian done to make them deserving of a second chance? The only thing they deserve is each other! Oh.
Down at the hospital. Mike sits in his wheelchair, trying awfully hard to express the emotion of "impatience." Edie bursts through the door, dressed as a sexy nurse: white stockings, white garters, white bustier, and red pumps. Mike's eyes do a Christmas-morning ogle, but then his memory shifts, and suddenly it's Monique standing in the doorway, doing the sexy lingerie "tada." Monique, FYI, is played by the very attractive and red-haired Kathleen York, a.k.a. Toby Ziegler's ex, Andie, on The West Wing. MAVO: "Which is why it's best to think twice before you confess, especially if you don't know what it is you're confessing to." Mike stutters something about how he knew that dead girl. But, again, she died while he was in a coma, so whatever. Oh! But if Monique falls inside Mike's memory fog, that means he had sex with her after he arrived on Wisteria Lane, maybe even while he was dating Susan? Wow, for a boy made of wood who doesn't seem like he has a whole lot going on, Mike sure does have a whole lot going on.
week: Jackie is armed and dangerous and ready to do some serious damage in a supermarket. Maybe someone's pulled a full cart up to the Express Line?