By Evany
Wow, our Housewives have been very, very busy. First, Bree gets all drunk and sentimental at some Italian restaurant where she and Rex used to go. She manages to cab it home, but the walk from the curb to her house proves too much for her, and -- holy crazy! -- she passes out right there on the front lawn! Mrs. McCluskey finds her there the morning and tries to wake her up, but Bree is still out cold, so Andrew gleefully turns on the sprinklers. It's...ALIVE! Meanwhile, Tom and Lynette both have to go in to work today, so Tom calls Mrs. McCluskey over to babysit (it's the weekend, so no daycare). But Lynette (who apparently has heard nothing about gift horses and where not to took at them) isn't happy with Tom's choice in a babysitter, what with Mrs. McCluskey being so very ancient, so Lynette sends her home. Cut to a fantastically hungover Bree answering her door to find Lynette "I Need A Favor" Scavo standing there with the P-twins and baby Penny. So now Bree's babysitting for the hellish Scavo children, who of course can't help making all kinds of racket, prompting Bree to crack open some hair of the dog. One entire bottle of wine later, Bree passes out on the couch, and the devilish P-twins take the golden, drunken opportunity to put baby Penny in the stroller and walk three miles to some weird hair salon. The hair salon people manage to track down Lynette and Tom, so all is well. Except that Bree totally lies to Lynette about how she was "cleaning up after baking cookies" when the mini-Scavos made their break. Mrs. McCluskey, who is still peeved at being thought of as too old to babysit, finks to Lynette about Bree and her drinking, and Lynette reluctantly confronts Bree. Bree keeps denying, denying, denying, citing something about her only problem being with "antihistamines," but the TWELVE empty wine bottles in Bree's trash that Lynette unearths, they do not lie. What else? Plans for Susan to marry Karl for his insurance coverage move forward: Karl draws up a prenup, and Susan relocates her wedding ring (which she tossed into the bushes along some highway three years ago). But then, wouldn't you know it? Edie finds the ring and the prenup and jumps to the conclusion that Karl's going to propose that night over their Valentine's Day dinner. This misconception leads to an embarrassing scene where Edie digs through her chocolate souffle with her fingers, looking for the ring she's so sure is hidden there. To make amends with Edie, Karl decides to propose to her anyway, which leaves Susan feeling slightly disconcerted. Of course! Gabby's mother pay the Solises a surprise visit, much to Gabby's dismay. When Gabby and Carlos discover that Gabby may be unable to bear children, Mother Gabby offers to be their surrogate womb. Carlos is into the idea, but Gabby isn't, no not at all. You see, Gabby and her mother have an unpleasant history: Gabby's stepfather molested her when she was fifteen, and Gabby ran away from home. Carlos decides to smooth things over between mother and daughter once and for all, and tells Gabby's mother about what happened with the stepfather. But then -- ew! -- it turns out that Gabby's mother knew all about it and has, in fact, been blaming Gabby all these years for "seducing" her husband. Fresh from his lesson about how blood maybe isn't thicker than water, Carlos comes home to Gabby and sweetly tells her that maybe they can adopt after all. Last but not least, Mike tells CreePaul to leave town because evil grandfather Noah has discovered Zana's identity. And Zana overhears the warning, meaning Zana now knows that Mike is his father!
Previously: Bree got a DUI; Gabby wrestled with a nun and discovered that she's ready to have a baby; and Zana began to (as Mary Alice puns) "put A and B together."
MAVO: "Susan Mayer had always believed the punishment should fit the crime." Susan doodles a hangman on a pad of binder paper. MAVO: "She first came to this conclusion when she discovered that her husband Karl had been unfaithful." Susan of yore sorts through laundry and discovers one of Karl's shirts, emblazoned with the inevitable lipstick on the collar. Not just a smudge, either: it's a perfect imprint of a full pair of lips, almost like the Other Woman deliberately used Karl's collar as a blotter. Heavy-handed prop amateurishness? Or just the sign of a vindictive woman trying to get her married man caught? You be the judge! MAVO: "Since Karl had destroyed the love she had given him, Susan felt it was only appropriate that she destroyed the things he loved in return." Montage: Susan crushing a trophy in a vise; Susan setting fired to a pair of nice men's shoes; Susan driving over a bunch of golf clubs.
MAVO: "But now, three years after their divorce, Susan was reunited with Karl once again, as partners in a crime of their own." Back in the now, Karl snaps Susan out of her daydreaming. She needs to focus: their insurance scam is serious business, and no one can ever find out about it because they could "both go to jail"! Susan, Karl, and Julie are in a summit around the table at the Mayer house. They're there to make sure that all their ducks are in a row: Karl's got the pre-nup, they've set up the appointment down at the courthouse on Wednesday, and Susan's surgery is lined up for Thursday. Check, check, check. Yes, everything's ship-shape. Nothing to worry about here! Except. Julie "Voice Of Reason" Mayer: "I think this whole thing is a tragic mistake." Well said. Julie explains that she just can't face "another ugly divorce." Susan hastens to assure her daughter that this is "strictly a business arrangement." Julie: "It better be. Because if I see so much as one lingering gaze between the two of you, I swear, I'll go to the insurance company and turn you in." Man, what is she so uptight about? It's not like her mom and dad slept together recently. Oh, wait. Julie heads up to her room, and Susan calls up to her: "So we shouldn't expect a wedding gift, huh?"
The rest of the scene is dedicated to talk of the ring. Turns out that, three years ago, in a jilted pique, Susan threw Karl's grandmother's ring out her car window "somewhere on Route 7." They bicker back and forth (Karl trusted her with his family heirloom that was one day meant to be handed down to Julie! Susan trusted Karl not sleep around!), and then Susan tells Karl to get off his "high horse" -- that all their bad behavior is in the past, and now they're "on the same page."
Cut to Susan struggling her way through a thicket somewhere alongside Route 7, metal-detector in hand. MAVO: "Yes, Susan Mayer believed that the punishment should suit the crime." Susan complains that she thinks there might be snakes out there in the woods. Karl -- who's perched on the hood of the car and picking his teeth with a toothpick all relaxed -- yells up to her that they're staying there until Susan finds that ring. MAVO: "But for that matter, so did Karl." And roll those two-second credits!
And now, here we have an Italian man in bowtie, singing tragic, tragic opera. MAVO tells us that this is the "tradition at Leonardo's Bar and Grill": waiters start to sing "ridiculously depressing arias" an hour before closing. Bree, wearing a stellar red satin sheath dress, sits at a table, alone, drinking wine and sniffling. Bree's waiter comes over and hands her a napkin, and she gratefully takes it and dabs her eyes. The waiter tactfully turns to leave, but Bree calls him back: "Tony? Do you have to rush off? I thought maybe we could just chat for a minute." Bree launches in: Rex was murdered by their pharmacist. Tony, clearly at a loss as to how to respond to this particular tidbit, stutters, "Wow. Uh...I hope you changed pharmacists." Bree: "I didn't have to. He committed suicide." Ha! In summary like that, this show sounds so fantastically ridiculous. Bree waves her hand dismissively at, I guess, all the unpleasant memories, and she does it in that particular overly loose style of someone well sauced. Tony offers to call her a cab, and Bree resists mildly, but eventually she gives in when it occurs to her that a cab ride home later will enable her to order another bottle of pinot grigio now.
Bree's cab pulls up at her house, and Bree, wearing a huge and crazy fur wrap that makes her seem even more drunk, somehow, stumbles out and verrrry unsteadily makes her way up her front lawn. Halfway to her door, she opens up her purse and tries to dig out her keys, but then everything goes a-tumbling and she kneels down...
The morning, Mrs. McCluskey happens by and notices Bree sprawled face-down on her front lawn. Oh my. Mrs. McCluskey leans down and tries to wake her up, but Bree only lets out a little snore. Mrs. McCluskey leans back in disgust -- Bree, it seems, is a little whiff-y -- and then she goes up to the door and rings the bell. Andrew comes to the door, still wearing his little sleeping boxers and tee. He takes in the sight of his mother and just chuckles. Mrs. McCluskey: "You don't seem terribly shocked." Andrew: "Oh, it's just that Mom...drinks, and sometimes she sleeps it off in the weirdest places." And just think, Bree was worried about what the neighbors might think about Andrew kissing a boy on the front stoop. Turns out her front lawn had oceans more embarrassment in store for her. Mrs. McC offers to help, but Andrew shoos her away, saying he knows "how to take care of her." And indeed he does! One blast of the sprinklers, and Bree is up and at 'em!
Lynette answers the door. It's Mrs. McC! She sure does get around in this episode. Unbeknownst to Lynette, Tom has asked Mrs. McC to come over and babysit because Tom and Lynette both have to work all weekend. Lynette excuses herself and pulls Tom into the laundry room. Immediately, Lynette starts in about how Mrs. McC is too old to babysit. Tom: "Shh! This is a thin door!" Lynette, lowering her voice only barely: "It's not so long ago that she keeled over in our front lawn. A day with our kids will finish the job!" Tom babbles about how the babysitting load isn't so bad, considering that "Parker's on a play date": all Mrs. McC needs to worry about are the two monster twins and baby Penny! Lynette stares at him like he's just told her not to worry. That sound? That's just the laughing of the blood-soaked clowns. "'Just the twins and Penny'?" Lynette repeats sarcastically. After a few beats of Tom's patented "hold please...I'm waiting for...something unpleasant...to sink in" look, he concedes, "Okay, that was stupid." Tom tries another tack: he points out that since they have to be at work in an hour, they're basically stuck. But Lynette still thinks there's a way: "We will find someone -- someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot." Tom gives in, and they break up their little conference and return to the kitchen. Tom immediately passes the buck to Lynette: she's going to break the bad news to Mrs. McC. After glaring after Tom's swiftly retreating form, Lynette turns to Mrs. McC and spins some lame excuse about a "miscommunication": really, the Scavos don't need Mrs. McC to babysit after all. Mrs. McC, somewhat crabbily: "Fine, I'll just go back home. By the way, your husband was right. It's a thin door." Mrs. McC leaves and Lynette sighs and hangs her head. That Lynette! Such a multitasker! Who else could manage to look a gift horse in the mouth, hurt a neighbor's feelings, and screw herself into a sitter-less corner, all in one, fell swoop?
Gabby is home from another monumental shopping trip. As she's walking up to the house, she spies Carlos in their bedroom window, talking to a...woman...in a...what the hell...a robe?! Gabby throws down her shopping bags and stomps into the house. Inside, she spies mimosa detritus spread out around the table, which fuels her jealous rage all the more. Stomp, stomp! Upstairs she steamrolls into the bedroom and starts yelling at Carlos, who appears to be having his, I guess, collar adjusted (?) by the mystery woman. Just then, the woman turns around, and...holy shit, is that CHARO? Oh, no. It's (a stirringly well-preserved!) Maria Conchito Alonso. You remember, the sexy skirt under which Robin Williams defected in Moscow On The Hudson? "Hello, Gabriella," the hot woman says with a smile. Gabby's rage is immediately displaced by an arctic disappointment: "Oh. Hi...Mom."
Downstairs in the kitchen, Hot Mom shakes her wet hair all sexy and explains why she's in the robe: "The man to me on the plane weighed three hundred pounds and he sweated all over me. Ugh, it was so gross." Gabby pointedly asks what brought on the sudden visit, what with it being Valentine's Day: "Don't you and 'Mr. Hedge Fund' have plans? I know Carlos and I do." Hot Mom fluffs her hair and casually lets it drop that she's "left Charles." Carlos looks up sharply. Gabby: "What? He was worth like six million dollars!" Hot Mom claims to think that "money isn't everything." Gabby, brightly: "For some people...but we're talking about you now, Mother!" Mom sulks, and Carlos tries to get Gabby to be civil, sternly speaking for the both of them about how bad they feel about Hot Mom's breakup. Gabby, super-flat: "Yeah. We're just sick about it." Luckily, Hot Mom reassures them, she's going to be fine, thanks to the "little gift" she bought herself to get her mind off her troubles. And with that, Hot Mom flashes Gabby her boob job. Gabby, understandably scarred for life, almost drops her coffee. Over her shoulder, Hot Mom flirts, "No peeking, Carlos!" Carlos sort of waves at her weakly, and Gabby scrambles to get the robe back on her mother because clearly every second she looks on her mother's plastic tits is another whole month in therapy. Hot Mom makes her exit, and Carlos giggles, but Gabby is not at all amused. Carlos: "What? I think she's charming." Gabby: "Okay. You can think she's charming. But don't forget for one second that she is a monster." Gabby stomps off, and Carlos keeps giggling.
Guess what? Susan managed to find the ring! And there I was, only just last week, marveling over one of those insane metal-detector people, who was busily scouring the grass near me at a local park. What do those people ever manage to find with their weird metal-loving space wand? Susan B's? Keys to unknown locks? Bullets? Or is it more about the process, like...is it somehow meditational, like fishing? How too funny to find out from a well-timed lesson from Desperate Housewives that those metal-detector crazies actually unearth priceless family heirlooms! Julie asks Susan, who is busy scrubbing said ring with a little ring-scrubbing brush, whether she got "the gum out from under the diamond?"
Just then, Susan's Little Doctor Friend comes down from upstairs, and Susan panics and throws the ring into a random and, it appears, purely decorative ceramic pitcher on the counter. Ugh, I guess Susan has neglected to tell the LDF that she is remarrying Karl. (Has she learned nothing from her "big lies ruin lives" lesson with Mike?) There is an awkward moment while Little Doctor Friend contemplates the dirty and filthy meaning behind his descending from Susan's bedroom in what is clearly an hour of the AM. Julie teasingly asks LDF whether he "spent the night," and he starts hemming and hawing. Susan, leaning over and to give him a little hug: "It's okay, she knows you make house calls." Which strikes me as slightly off, the cute sex innuendo in front of the daughter? But perhaps I am a wrinkly old prude. Almost surely. Certainly Julie seems to think it's fine, fine enough for a little chuckle. Little Doctor Friend tells Susan they have V-Day rezies at "Chez Naomi" at 7, and then he tells her that a spot has opened up in the schedule down at the hospital, so she can move her surgery up to Wednesday if she wants -- like it's a hair appointment or something. Susan blurts out that she can't; she has "a wedding that day." Smooth! LDF is all, "Huh?," and Susan does some idiotic backpedaling about how today every woman wants a Wednesday wedding, Wednesday is the new black!
LDF leaves, and Susan fishes the ring out of the convenient hiding pitcher and chastises herself for being a "rotten, sneaky person." Julie: "Look, I'm not too crazy about this whole fake-marriage thing, but if you don't have that operation, you could die. So don't be so hard on yourself; you are a good person." And yet...why can't they tell all this to LDF? Will it put him in some kind of legally uncomfortably situation down at the hospital? I don't know. Susan thanks Julie for being so nice (and really/truly, what a good daughter Julie is!), and then sends Julie over to give Karl the ring. Susan: "And just so you know, if Edie catches you, I'm expecting you to swallow it." Susan sure is hilarious.
Edie is bitching at Karl about what a "pigsty" the house is. Karl yells down from the bedroom that that he'll be down in a minute: "It's almost half-time." Edie huffs, and stacks, and sorts. Karl shouts that he made reservations at "Chez Naomi" for V-day. (Hmmm, now where did we hear about that restaurant before?) Edie: "It's gotta be better than that rathole you took me to on New Year's. And don't even think of getting me carnations again; that crap might have flown for Mayer, but I actually have taste." Just then, Edie goes to put some papers in Karl's briefcase and finds -- you guessed it! -- the ring and the pre-nup! No! Yes. Karl finally comes down, and Edie snaps the briefcase closed and races up to tell him not to bother; she was just joking about the pigsty and his need to help muck it! She smiles the sharkish smile of a woman very pleased to have landed a marrying kind of man.
The horrible P-twins are playing one of those unforgivable, battery-amplified keyboard toys. (My friend, Sophia, likes to "fix" toys like these -- always the ill-considered gift from someone outside the family -- by duct-taping cotton balls over all the sound-blasting points.) Bree frantically asks them to stop playing with the toy -- and really, the sound of that toy would make even a non-hung-over mind melt. The P-twins, unfortunately, are not at all obliging in the "shhh" department. Bree looks at the end of her rope (and her rope was plenty frayed to begin with), and snatches away the piano-hell toy. The boys look hurt and saddened by this development, so Bree sighs and excuses herself.
Cut to Bree sighing back into the couch, a fresh glass of wine in her hands. "All right, boys," she tells them. "Let's have it." The P-twins gleefully pound on the keyboards. The song they play for Bree is...not their best work. What the hell was Lynette thinking? Handing off her kids at the last possible second is bad enough, but handing them off fully loaded with a toy like that is just cruel.
Gabby and Carlos are at the doctor's office. Uh oh. It turns out that there were "complications" from Gabby's fall down the stairs "last month." Was that really just a month ago? My, how the time...adheres to no logic whatsoever, here in fair Fairview. Gabby and Carlos exchange worried glances, and...
...Hot Mom, sitting at the table with Gabby and Carlos, says, "You can't have kids?" Gabby, spooning food onto her plate: "Well, the doctor's not a hundred percent positive, but it's very, very iffy." Hey, there's Xio Mei the Money! And she's wearing a frumpy grey-and-white maid's uniform, which is kind of old-school, and also somewhat off-putting: Gabby makes her maid dress in uniform for a casual lunch with family? Also, it appears as though Xio Mei has been cooking up a storm: the table is positively groaning with food. Hot Mom clucks sympathetically to Carlos, and Carlos sulks. Gabby chides him and mentions adoption. But Carlos wants a baby from his own loins! Gabby: "What does it matter whose DNA it is? The diapers are still going to smell the same regardless." But Carlos wants what he wants. Just then, Hot Mom pipes in with a little offer: perhaps her womb might be of use? She knows it sounds "controversial," but she's in great shape, and she can be trusted to eat well and exercise, and "put the baby's needs first." Gabby says, "No." Hot Mom asks, "Why?" Gabby: "For one, you're on Medicare!" Hot Mom indignantly says that she's "only fifty...one," and then she cites the Englishwoman who birthed her own grandchild at sixty-three. Gabby: "Look, I don't care if she shot triplets out of her ass, it's not going to happen." Now there's an image for you! Gabby turns to Carlos for support, but he's actually kind of into the idea. Claiming a migraine, Gabby leaves to go lie down upstairs. As she's walking away, she sees Hot Mom put her hand on Carlos's arm. "Carlitos, don't worry," soothes Hot Mom. "Just give her time; she'll come around." I'm not at all sure what's going on here, but ew.
Back to Boozehound Bree. She's finished her glass of wine -- has, in fact, polished off the entire bottle -- and is now totally passed out on the couch, baby Penny still in her arms. The P-twins try to rouse her -- but as Mrs. McCluskey discovered before them, waking a juiced Bree is hard to do. They poke her; they lift up her arm and let it drop: nothing.
Cut to Bree, alone and still "sleeping" on the couch. Through the window, we can see the P-twins on the sidewalk out front, pushing baby Penny in her stroller. Slowly, Bree comes to, and starts looking for the kids. At first she's just annoyed, but soon she's full-tilt frantic, running around the neighborhood, screaming the kids' names. Mrs. McCluskey is raking out in her front lawn. (Funny, isn't it, how much of her we're seeing in the episode, and yet...Betty? Betty! Where are you, Betty?) Bree speed-walks up to Mrs. McC and asks her if she's seen the Scavo boys. Mrs. McC hasn't seen them, but wonders why Bree is looking. Bree says something about needing to "tell them something," and then she races off. Mrs. McC watches Bree leave, and then shakes her head with a "look at that wino go" sort of amusement.
Down at the office, Tom and Lynette are in the middle of a meeting. Lynette's phone rings: it's some woman, calling to say she has the Scavo kids.
Cut to Lynette and Tom wind sprinting into a hair salon, all breathless with panic and confusion. Lynette runs up to the Sassy Hairdresser standing at the front desk. The chipper P-twins call out twin "hi"s to her, and she runs over to them and hugs and kisses them hugely. Lynette turns to the Sassy Hairdresser and thanks her profusely, but the woman isn't exactly Lynette's biggest fan. "I'm just glad I found them and not some weirdo freak," she says to Lynette, her hand on her hip. Lynette falls all over herself, agreeing with her. Sassy Hairdresser: "Because there're all sorts of crazy people out there. Drunks" ha! "perverts, molesters." Lynette continues to agree frantically. Sassy Hairdresser: "Now, you got really lucky. I mean, a different person might have called the cops. Or child welfare." Lynette, totally on edge, rushes to explain that she'd left the kids with a "really reliable babysitter." Sassy, Sarcastic Hairdresser: "Ooh, yeah, you picked a real winner." Lynette takes a look around the salon, and everyone there is totally staring at her and her kids and her scene. Lynette, getting all Lynette-y: "Are you judging me? Because --" Just then, Tom jumps in: "Let it go. The kids walked three miles to get here. We don't have a leg to stand on." Lynette pauses to think this over, then she turns to Sassy and smiles hugely, thanks her one last time, and then they all struggle their way out the door. Three miles!
Gabby invites Hot Mom to go shopping so that they can put all the "tension" behind them. And then, maybe after they've had some fun, they can sit down and talk surrogacy. Hot Mom is delighted!
Gabby pulls up at a hotel. Hot Mom is confused: "Where's the boutique?" Gabby: "Umm, oh. It's, uh, in the hotel lobby." Gabby pretends to get out of the car, but as soon as Hot Mom's door closes, Gabby master-locks the car (which is sort of ridiculous since it's a convertible, but I guess I don't see any buttons for Hot Mom to manually lift). Hot Mom is even more confused! Gabby explains: she doesn't actually want to talk about surrogacy at all. Rather, she wants her mom to check into this hotel, and then, in the morning, check out, get on a plane, and never see Gabby or Carlos ever again. Gabby pulls out some bills, crumples them up, and throws them at Hot Mom: "I'm pulling out. Watch your boobs."
When Lynette and Tom arrive at home, Bree sprints out of her house to greet them. Bree sees that they have the kids and breathes a gigantor sigh of relief. Then she starts babbling: "I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened! I was in the kitchen, cleaning up after making cookies, and I looked in the living room, but they were gone!" One of the P-twins tells Lynette, "We tried to tell her we were going, but she was asleep." Bree instantly and vehemently denies that she was sleeping. The other P-twin insists that Bree was too lying, at which point Lynette decides to side with Bree: "All right, that lie just lost you another week of TV and videogame privileges. That's two...do you want to keep talking and lose more?" The kids shake their heads nonono. Lynette: "Then apologize to Mrs. Van de Kamp." They sullenly fork over some "sorry"s, and walk into the house. Bree -- looking kind of guilty, and also completely worked -- tells the boys, "No harm done." Those drunks, they sure are crafty! Actually, this scene is kind of excruciating. Bree is truly a sad, sad sack these days. Lynette apologizes to Bree and gives her a huge hug, and then heads in to the house, giving Bree one final funny little "agh" sound and patting her heart, thereby effectively and succinctly summing up the spectacular relief of disaster so, so narrowly averted. Hip, hip Felicity!
Carlos, carrying Hot Mom's luggage. Ooh, I love this scene! Okay, so: Carlos is giving Gabby a hard time for kicking Hot Mom out of the house: "If you ask me, it was a pretty crappy thing to do. Did you even slow the car down before you pushed her out?" Wow, and I be he doesn't even know about the crumpled bills Gabby threw at her like her mom was some kind of dime-store hooker! Gabby snipes that the only thing Carlos cares about is Gabby's Mom's womb (though she doesn't quite say it like that). Carlos super-earnestly describes Hot Mom's offer as "very generous," which whips Gabby into a super rage: "The only reason she offered up her dusty womb is because she's screwed!" Whee, "dusty womb"! That's actually my DJ name. Gabby explains that the only reason her mom made the offers is because the "sugar daddy" beau is out of the picture, and Hot Mom needs money and a place to stay: "Trust me, if she carried our child, we'd be footing the bill for years." Carlos: "I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment." Gabby: "Maybe! But you don't know her like I do." Carlos stares at Gabby for a long while, and then asks her if she ever told her mom about all the stuff that happened, back when Gabby ran away from home fifteen years ago. Gabby's voice gets super-quiet, and she tells him, "It wouldn't have done any good." Carlos keeps pushing her, so she tearfully unloads on him: "Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro, and she chose to look the other way." But maybe Hot Mom would have done something, Carlos counters, only Gabby ran away before she had the chance. Gabby, totally crying now: "There was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and that would have hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me." Carlos's face softens, and he goes over and hugs Gabby. Carlos: "She's your mother and she loves you. I know it's been a long time, but maybe you could talk to her now." Gabby sits there, sad, for a second, and then gets up: "I'm giving her luggage back to her. That's the best I can do." Aww. That hit me right in my weak, weepy girl eyes.
Mike comes over to the Young house to warn CreePaul about the looming evil Noah and Detective Sullied. And who's listening in just outside the door? You guessed it: Zana! Where would this episode be without all the convenient overhearing? Mike explains that Noah is "rich, powerful," and also "terminal." And he "wants to meet his grandson before he dies." CreePaul: "Absolutely not." Mike: "You'll be surprised, but I agree with you. Noah destroys anything he touches, and the last thing either of us wants is for this guy to get his hooks in Zach." Mike urges CreePaul to take Zana and run, to hide out until "nature takes its course with Noah." CreePaul: "If we leave, we won't be coming back. You'll never see your boy again." Why? I'm not too sure. As Mike pointed out, there won't be much to hide from once Noah dies. But anyway: Mike, at least, understands. And with that, a shocked-looking Zana pulls away from his listening post. Hmmm.
Susan and her Little Doctor Friend are having dinner at Chez Naomi. And so are Edie and Karl! Edie is being super-romantical: "Happy Valentine's Day, my darling," she says, in that husky "I'm not wearing any underwear" voice of hers. Mid-cuddle, Edie spots Susan. "Apparently they'll let anyone in here," she says to Karl. The two women exchange little waves. The waiter comes over to tell Karl and Edie that the "chocolate soufflés [they] ordered will be out momentarily." Aww, and the way the actor playing the waiter delivers that line -- such love, such precision! -- I suspect he spent a full week practicing it. Edie tries to wave the waiter away, saying that they never ordered soufflés. But then Karl explains that he actually pre-ordered them before they even sat down. Edie tries to back out, claiming to be too full for dessert (as if such a thing were possible!). Karl: "This you'll want to try. It's their specialty." You can see it dawn on Edie: ah-ha! A hidden ring! She gives the waiter the green light, and then excuses herself to go to the bathroom. On her way to the powder room, she grabs Susan and makes her come along.
When she has Susan alone, Edie gleefully announces: "I have some news that's probably going to devastate you. But I wanted to be the first one to tell you. Karl is about to pop the question." For those of you who might wonder at the cattiness, and also hubris, of announcing a looming proposal to your man's ex-wife, I'm totally with you. And yet...didn't Susan race over to gloat to Edie the split second after Mike asked her to move in? Edie rushes to offer Susan a tissue, but Susan's just kind of confused. So Edie presents all the evidence: the ring, and the pre-nup, and the soufflés. And the way Edie describes it all, she's clearly so, so excited! Eeee! Susan, like every single person in the viewing audience, gets that sinking "uh oh" feeling. She tries to reason with Edie, pointing out that "Karl is a lawyer, and it could just be a pre-nup for another client." Edie: "Boy. Jealousy is one ugly thing up close." Edie looks into the mirror and pats her hair: "If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my table and getting engaged." Susan does her patented squeak of impotence.
Back at the table, the soufflés arrive. Off to the side, Susan scribbles a little note and asks the Waiter of the One Line to deliver it to the "handsome" man with "dark hair." But of course the waiter delivers it to the wrong man. The wrong guy opens the note, and it reads, "Be careful! She thinks you're about to propose." I think they actually used brow pencil to write the note, nice! The man turns to his date and yells: "You never stop! I told you I'm not divorcing my wife. I'm in this for the sex. If you can't accept it, then go to hell." The man throws down some bills and totally just leaves! (Come and knock on my door! We've been waiting for you! Where the kisses are hers and hers and his! Three's company, too!) Susan signs hugely. Edie, getting nervous, starts digging around her soufflé with her spoon. When she doesn't strike gold, she actually puts her hand right in there and starts digging around. Karl looks at her like she's crazy, and well, she kind of is. Edie: "I thought you said this dessert was special." Karl: "When you put it in your mouth and eat it. What's wrong with you?" Susan cringes, Edie looks embarrassed, and the wah-wah music swells!
Carlos knocks on Hot Mom's hotel door, and she of course answers in her robe. Carlos drags in her bags, and she nicely thanks him, saying that she just got out of the shower and realized she needed clothes to change into. Carlos asks if he can talk to her about something, and she tells him to talk while she dresses. Hmmm, this could get ugly fast! But Hot Mom retreats to the bathroom to change, thank god, and leaves the door cracked. Carlos shouts that he thinks Hot Mom's surrogacy offer might be the perfect answer, but Hot Mom thinks Gabby will never go for it. Hot Mom comes out of the bathroom wearing a leopard-spotted sheath with, like, dental floss for straps. Flirtily, she asks Carlos to zip her zipper. What did I tell you? Carlos darts in and zips up her dress. Hot Mom compliments him on the rapidity with which he mastered her zipper: "Someone works out!" she coos. Huh? Carlos scrambles to return the topic to the surrogacy. He really thinks it could work, but that Hot Mom and Gabby will have to mend some fences. Hot Mom: "After such a long time, what is the point?" Carlos tries tactfully to tell Hot Mom about the "stuff Gabby went through when she was younger, stuff that [Hot Mom doesn't] know about." He suggests that she if she went to Gabby and "asked her about it, then the two of [them] could finally get past it."
Seeming kind of bored, Hot Mom asks Carlos what he's hinting at. Carlos just cuts to the chase: "Your second husband Alejandro? When Gabby was fifteen, he sexually assaulted her." Hot Mom, leaning back on the bed: "Is that what she told you?" Carlos struggles for a minute, and then tries to explain: "Look, I know it comes as a shock, hearing it from me..." Hot Mom jumps in: "Carlos, please. I am aware they had sex." She walks over to the mirror and starts fluffing her hair. Then, with Carlos standing there, looking totally aghast, she says, "But it was Gabrielle who seduced him." Carlos: "Excuse me?" Hot Mom explains that Gabby was "always jealous," that Hot Mom always caught her trying on her shoes, her jewelry: "And I would scream at her to leave my things alone, but nooo. She wanted whatever I had. And one night, she set her sights on Alejandro. Believe me. No one got raped." Carlos blinks and looks like he's going to be sick. Uh oh, is he sick because he believes Hot Mom's version of the truth, or because he's repulsed by her insanely self-centered and abusive lies? How awesome that I don't really know. What a good scene! Carlos points out that Gabby was only fifteen. HM: "You know, a lot of men have left me over the years, and I didn't know the reason. But when Alejandro left, I knew exactly what happened: Gabrielle made him fall in love with her. It took me so many years to forgive her." Carlos seems confused: "You forgave her?" HM breezily tells him "of course," silly! She wouldn't have offered up her womb otherwise!
Karl comes outside to take out the trash, and Susan "psst"s him from the gazebo across the street. She asks him why he didn't pick up his cell phone, and he says he turned it off. So she's just been standing out there, hoping he'd come take the trash out? And where is her Little Doctor Friend? She asks where Edie is, and he says that she's been in a pissy mood ever since dinner. So Susan explains what's going on: "This whole fake-marriage thing was okay as when nobody was getting hurt. What are we doing? It's a lie! I lost Mike because of a lie, and now I'm doing the same thing to Dr. Ron." Hey! Do you think maybe she heard me, before, complaining about how she never learns? Eerie! Susan adds how "devastated" Edie is, and...well, she thinks they should call off the wedding. Karl reminds her about the whole "wandering spleen" thing again (and if I never have to type "wandering spleen" again, I'll be happy). Susan, flustered, suggests that she just "sell the car." Wait a second. This whole problem could have been solved by something as simple as selling her car? That's all she needed, money-wise? But instead she ran around trying to marry strangers and problematic ex-husbands, and putting everyone at risk for getting charged for insurance fraud? That strikes me as totally, unbelievably insane. But no! Karl insists! With Susan's health at stake, he's going to do the right thing and marry her. He'll just placate Edie by proposing anyway! Susan is totally thrown: "Well, that's a little extreme." Karl: "Not really; I was probably going to do to do it eventually anyhow. And obviously we're going to have to get a divorce before I can actually marry her." Uh oh. Now Susan looks all sad! Karl asks her what's up, and she lies that it's nothing, it's just that...she "didn't know that he loved [Edie] like that." Karl, all business: "She's a great kid, total package." Karl cocks his head quizzically. "What's the matter, Susie Q? Jealous?" Susan laughs. And yet... They hug and laugh that he could ever have thought she was jealous, but clearly they're both kind of sad and maybably harboring complicated feelings for each other, oh boy!
Carlos is home from his harrowing visit with Hot Mom. Gabby asks him how it went, and he lies that all he did was drop off her luggage; that's it. And then he leans in and gives her a huge, huge kiss. Gabby is pleased, but puzzled. By way of explanation, Carlos tells her he's been thinking that maybe adoption isn't such a bad idea after all. Aww! Gabby: "But I thought you wanted a kid with your own DNA?" Carlos looks away -- far, far away -- for a second, andthen tells her, "Blood isn't everything." See that? Nice! I love Carlos and Gabrielle this episode, yay!
Lynette comes out with the trash, and there, there is the ubiquitous Mrs. McCluskey. "I heard you lost your kids yesterday," she tells Lynette, a little gleefully. Lynette tries to downplay the whole episode, but Mrs. McCluskey isn't going to let this prize of an opportunity go. "Help me out here," she says to Lynette, all casual. "What exactly is it you look for in a babysitter?" Lynette is all, "???" And Mrs. McC is more than happy to fill her in: "I may be ancient like you say, but I've never gotten drunk and lost track of three kids." Lynette is still confused, so Mrs. McC lets her in on the fact that she "smelled wine on Bree" when she was running around looking for the kids, not to mention the fact that Bree spent the entire night lounging out on her own front lawn. Lynette tells Mrs. McC to "spread her poison somewhere else," and Mrs. McC gives a little shrug: "I just thought I'd do you a favor and let you know, that's all." Mrs. McC goes back to her yard, pausing once to look over her shoulder at Lynette. The look of righteous indignation on Lynette's face wavers just a hair.
When Bree heads out with her own trash (this neighborhood is really good about remembering trash day), Lynette heads over for a visit. She starts out nice enough, asking if Bree's gotten over yesterday's unpleasant events. Bree: "Truthfully, I haven't been able to get my mind off of it." And you know something, she does look haunted! Lynette starts in marveling over how the kids managed to make their escape, and the two women agree that boys that age are "escape artists." Lynette nods, uh-huh, uh-huh, but then she pulls the rug: "It's just: Penny...I mean, I just don't understand how Porter and Preston managed to wrangle her into the stroller and make it out the front door without you even noticing." Bree drops her bags of trash into the can, and they make that tell-tell cascade of "clinks," which Lynette clearly catches. Lynette suggests that maybe, just maybe, Bree fell asleep? Bree trots out her "cleaning the kitchen" excuse.
Lynette stares at Bree, and then she goes for it: "Look, I apologize in advance for how this is going to sound, but I have to ask or it's just going to eat away at me. Were you drinking while babysitting my kids?" You can tell Lynette isn't happy to be asking. Bree gasps out a "No!," but Lynette keeps staring at her. Bree finally breaks with Lynette's gaze, and then she puts her hands on her hips and gives a horrible impression of someone just remembering something: "You know, I may have had just the tiniest little bit of chardonnay." Lynette covers her eyes with her hands and, in a tired voice, spells it out: "You got drunk! And you passed out!" Bree talks up the antihistamine angle again. Lynette, who's clearly had enough: "Really? Is that why you passed out on your front lawn yesterday morning?" Bree stands up straighter and starts lecturing Lynette that she was doing her a "favor." Lynette: "You put my kids in danger and then you lied about it. Do you not get how big that is? Do you have some kind of problem with alcohol?" Bree totally flies off the handle at that, her voice going all high and screechy: "The only problem I have is with your children! They're incorrigible because you let them run amok, and if I hadn't drifted off, they would have waited until I was in the bathroom or stuck on the phone or upstairs doing laundry." But...isn't their laundry room downstairs? Bree goes to stalk off inside her house, but Lynette says to her in a small, tired voice, "On any given day, how many glasses of wine do you put away?" Bree turns and stares and stares at Lynette, and finally tells her she "won't be spoken to this way," and goes inside. The jig, it seems, is up! Ugh, poor Bree -- all in all, this hasn't really been her best year. Lynette stands there for a second, and then heads over to Bree's trash and starts digging around. One by one, she starts pulling out the empties. I'm not sure what's more shocking: the number of bottles, or the fact that Bree doesn't recycle.
MAVO: "Now and then, we all need a little help. So we ask for small favors." Susan and Karl are exchanging their vows down at the courthouse. Susan thanks him. MAVO: "But it's always best to be wary of those who are eager to come to our rescue." The judge sort of creepily tells Karl, "Go on, kiss the bride." Susan smiles and Karl laughs, and they kiss. MAVO: "Because even the smallest of favors carries a price tag." Mrs. McCluskey tells Tom (again) that she'd totally willing to babysit, and then she turns and looks at her roof and muses, "My, have you noticed how clogged my rain gutters are?" Hint, hint! MAVO: "Yes, everyone has an agenda, no matter what they may tell us." The bellhop is clearing out Hot Mom's bags while she's on the phone talking to a sick auntie, whom she's rushing off to go stay with while she recovers from an operation. "And I'm prepared," Hot Mom tells Auntie somewhat sinisterly, "to stay as long as it takes." MAVO: "And in those rare instances when there is no ulterior motive, we're so taken aback that we may fail to recognize the truth." Bree opens her front door to find a row of twelve -- count 'em, twelve -- dead soldiers lined up on her stoop. Lynette's left a rolled-up note in one that reads, "Do you still think you don't have a problem?" Bree stands there, looking like she's just been slapped, and then looks across the street at Lynette, who's out in front of her house, picking up toys. They stare at each other a long, long while, and then Lynette gives the slightest hint of a smile (a smirk, maybe), and turns away. MAVO: "That a loving friend has just done us an enormous favor." Bree crumples up the note and swallows nervously.