By Jessica
So, we open with this long MAVO-narrated voice-over detailing Gabrielle's "great ideas" of the past. Said "great ideas" include: moving to New York after her stepfather molested her/tried to molest her/insisted on reading her boring bedtime stories (the flashback is deliberately vague); seducing a famous photographer in order to jumpstart her career as a runway model, which doesn't even make sense since photographers have no say over what happens on the runway; marrying Carlos; and, finally, deciding to fuck her underage gardener. MAVO explains that Gabrielle was in need of "another great idea." And said idea comes to her after she has a long and rather boring chat with Mama Solis's nurse about how the nurse's work gives her great personal satisfaction, even though the hospital is underfunded. Then the nurse races off to take care of a "code blue," and Gabrielle actually follows her and watches, transfixed, as the nurse says things like, "You're not going to die on me!" and "Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" For about half a second, I thought that maybe Gabrielle was going to decide to be a nurse because it's ever so exciting and glamorous, but she actually just decides to organize a fashion show to benefit the hospital.
Cut to Casa Unfaithful, where a bunch of people we don't know and will never see again are trying on formal gowns, in preparation for this fashion show/plot contrivance. A roundish middle-aged woman scurries over to Gabrielle and hisses that she can't wear any of the dresses: "They make me look so fat." Gabrielle nobly rattles off her rendition of the "Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" speech, which is: "Listen, Betty! You're not quitting on me now! We're going to find you a gown: it's going to be black and slimming and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now!" I gave that speech to a stranger once, in Loehmann's. Anyway, Betty grins like she's been hypnotized and agrees. Gabrielle looks proud of herself and skips off.
After the credits, we learn that women are bitches when it comes to their outfits. Especially Edie, who tries to switch the name tags on the outfits so that she can wear the gown assigned to Susan...who catches her in the act. Cue fake smiles all around. "Give me the dress," Susan says. Edie sighs. "I gave it a shot," Edie says, and hands it over. What? No snide comment from Susan about how she recently -- and stupidly -- nailed Mike instead of asking him why he's got a weapons cache in his kitchen? That's not very realistic. If women are bitches about their outfits -- and I don’t know that that's exactly true, although I am certainly a bitch about other people's outfits -- then they're definitely bitchy about boys. These particular women are, at any rate. Anyway, Susan waves the dress in Edie's face like a toreador's cape (a very nice piece of blocking), as Edie looks peeved, Botoxed.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle is helping a woman, "Helen," whom we've never seen before, with her dress. Helen thanks Gabrielle for being nice enough to hire her son, Miguel, as her gardener. I must admit that this scene made no sense to me at all for about twenty-five seconds, because, to me, Miguel's mother is Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald, who currently has her hands full on Passions, since: her daughter Theresa just gave birth to a premature baby that might be her own baby with her ex-fiancé (whom she seduced by dressing up like his wife and climbing into bed with him) but that also might be the baby of said ex-fiancé and his current wife, since Theresa did kidnap their surrogate and lock her in a closet and get herself implanted with their embryo; Pilar's son Luis, who is very good-looking, and his girlfriend Sheridan are planning to get married again despite the fact that the last time they tried to get married, someone painted Sheridan's wedding ring with poison and then blew up the boat they were vacationing on, which left Sheridan stranded on an island in the Bermuda Triangle, and with amnesia, which she's over now, although what she still doesn't know is that the girl that Luis allegedly knocked up while Sheridan was on Bermuda wasn't actually pregnant at all and that the baby the knocked-up one is raising is actually Sheridan's baby with Luis that she thinks was killed when the person who kidnapped it drove off a bridge; Pilar's husband, who abandoned the family, like, fifteen years ago, is back in town and he's married to Sheridan's allegedly dead mother -- although no one knows she's Sheridan's mother -- and Pilar is really peeved with him for abandoning her and the kids; and, finally, Pilar's youngest daughter really, really hates her for making her live in Mexico. Anyway. What show am I recapping? Right, with all the housewives. It's Gabrielle's pleasure to have Miguel in her employ. And by "employ," I think she means, "vagina." Ew, I can't believe I actually just typed that. I'm extremely sorry. Gabrielle coyly mentions something about Miguel's relationship with Danielle Van De Kamp, and Helen spills that their young love is not long for this world, because Danielle wants a relationship and Miguel sorta doesn't. "You remember what it was like dating teen age boys," Helen adds. And Gabrielle, indeed, does. If by "dating," you mean -- um, never mind.
It is at this point that Carlos comes downstairs, yelling at his cell phone that if "that son of a bitch Tanaka" doesn't call him back, Carlos is going to go down to his office, find him, and kick his ass. Carlos angrily hangs up, and only then notices all the neighbors staring at him. He smiles sheepishly. "Ladies," he says, and nods to them, and walks off. I kind of love Carlos. I am convinced that that he means well, but is not a good communicator. Susan comes over to Gabrielle. "Trouble at work?" Susan asks. Gabrielle brats that she doesn't know what Carlos's problem is: "He's making money left and right." Gabrielle, it's been nine weeks. Haven't you learned that money isn't everything? That's your entire character arc; can't you at least get started on it?
Meanwhile, across the room, KimberBree irons while Edie complains that all the good outfits are taken and she simply doesn't know what to wear. Lynette pipes up to say that Mrs. Kravitz hasn't shown up to claim her dress, so Edie could wear that one. Riddle me this: how did Mrs. Kravitz sign up to be part of an event FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE? And don't tell me that Gabrielle had her "great idea," as shown in the teaser of this very episode, before Mrs. Kravitz was killed, because that is some f'ed-up timeline shenanigans and I will not stand for them! Anyway: predictably, Edie doesn't want to wear Mrs. Kravitz's old-lady dress. "You won't even be able to see my body," she whines. "That is so like you, Edie," Lynette smirks. "You're always thinking of others." KimberBree wonders where Mrs. Kravitz is, anyway. Edie explains that she allegedly went to visit her sister. She looks at the gown, and reflects that she can't believe Mrs. Kravitz would agree to wear it: "She always said she wouldn't be caught dead in black." DO YOU GET IT?
Cut to Paul Young, burying Mrs. Kravitz in a grave that appears to be about six inches deep, right off the highway. In the middle of the day. He throws the blender in with her, because he is the worst murderer ever. Stupid, stupid Paul. Bury her deep, first of all, and preferably in bits, you idiot. Second, bury her off the beaten path. At night. When it is dark. So no one can see you. Finally, you get the murder weapon as far away from the body as possible, you enormous moron. God.
Casa Klutzy. Susan comes in all aflutter because Julie got a letter from Poor Incarcerated Zack, all the way from The Poorly Run Home For Kids You Want to Shut Up, Paul Young. Susan nags the poor kid to open it. "He could have said something about Dana," Susan points out. Julie hems and haws and finally admits that Zack has actually kinda been writing to her for a while. Susan immediately switches from "thrilled" to "horrified," calling this "one notch above prison mail." Julie squeals that Zack is not crazy, just misunderstood, and that he needs a friend.
up, a tiresome scene in which Gay Matt -- whom I continue to adore -- tries to get the kids out of Lynette's way for the afternoon so that she can relax, but she has to undermine his efforts by continually complaining that he doesn't understand how hard the kids can be, and that she certainly can't recharge in just one afternoon, and how can he be so stupid as to think that his taking the kids for three hours will make up for years and years and years of her INCREDIBLY HARD WORK because, God knows, it wouldn't be enough for her simply to say, "Thanks for taking the kids this afternoon, Gay Matt. I really need the time to myself. When you get back, and the kids are in bed, let's talk about how I can get help on a more regular basis." Instead, it's just passive-aggressive blah blah blah until Lynette finally tells Gay Matt that if they don't get a nanny, she will totally lose her mind and Gay Matt is like, "Okay, let's get a nanny." See, the thing about Gay Matt is that he really does make a concerted effort to do the right thing by his family. He might not always hit the mark, and sometimes his efforts are misguided, but his heart is in the right place and he really wants to make Lynette happy, and that should mean something. I just can't get over how much I like Doug Savant in this part, and how passive-aggressive and sarcastic Lynette is to him. Honey, if you're unhappy with the division of labor in your marriage, you have to say so. If you don't want your husband to travel so much, you need to tell him that. If you need outside help, you need to tell someone.
Over to Andrew the Asshole's Swim Meet. KimberBree is wearing the most fantastic yellow sweater ever. She looks totally gorg. I love Marcia Cross. Have I mentioned that? If they made shirts at Kitson that said "Mrs. Dr. Kimberly Shaw," I would buy one. Anyway, Andrew is rough-housing with his team mates and looking happy as a clam. KimberBree watches, worried, and tells Rex that it really bothers her that while Mama Solis is still all Wasting Away in Comaville, Andrew is all splish-splashy happy-go-lucky. Rex sort of just shrugs that he doesn't know how else to punish the kid. They watch as the swimmers all leap into the pool -- which has no lane markers, and although everything I know about swimming comes from watching the Olympics, I am pretty sure that's wrong -- and KimberBree offers that that she thinks maybe they ought to make Andrew quit the swim team. Rex doesn't want to do this. KimberBree points out that Andrew hasn't shown "an ounce of remorse since the accident." Rex sputters that the kid is just, you know, keeping up a façade. And if they make Andrew give up swimming, he'll lose his shot at an athletic scholarship and then he'll never forgive them. Maybe Andrew should have thought of that before he fled the scene of a crime. KimberBree and Rex argue about this, and KimberBree finally just announces that Rex doesn't love Andrew as much as she does. It is at this moment that a man sits down in front of them. (I rewound that to make sure that he wasn't there to overhear them screaming at the top of their lungs about the hit and run. They still should have been more discreet, but it wasn't as bad as I thought the first time I watched this episode.) Rex rolls his eyes, but KimberBree tells Rex that it's a fact. Andrew lived inside of her, after all. "He hung out in your womb for a few months in the '80s," Rex sneers, adding that he's grown to love the kid quite a bit himself. Yes, Rex. He hung out in her womb. That's all that's involved in CARRYING ANOTHER PERSON INSIDE ONE OF YOUR ORGANS FOR THE BETTER PART OF A YEAR AND THEN PUSHING ITS ENTIRE BODY OUT OF A RATHER SMALL OPENING. Asswipe. Anyway, the race ends, and KimberBree wonders what happened. "That kid you both love so much just won the race," says the guy in front of them. Mind your knitting, Guy in Front. Rex and KimberBree clap irritably as Andrew high-fives one of his teammates.
Casa Unfaithful. People are working on...charity event-oriented things. I don’t know. Enter Miguel. He tells Gabrielle that his mother said she needed volunteers, so here he is. She coos that she's not surprised: "You were always a giver." Miguel tells her to cut it out -- his mother is right there! Gabrielle then puts him to work alphabetizing donation cards. Gabrielle takes a seat across from her boy toy, and asks if he's planning to break up with Danielle because of her, or what. "Not everything is about you," he says. And, under the table, Gabrielle sticks her foot in his crotch. I must confess, I've never done that. If only because I am very short, and it's hard for my foot to reach all the way across the table and into someone else's lap. "Been thinking about me?" she asks. "No," Miguel says. "Really? Coulda fooled me," she says. Simmer down, Mrs. Robinson. I find it hard to believe that this kid is that good in the sack, and you're beginning to make an ass out of yourself.
It is at this moment that Susan comes in and gets ready to help Helen, Mother of Miguel, with some boring administrative deal involving cards, all of which conveniently fall onto the ground so that Susan is forced to reach down to get them and therefore see Gabrielle's foot all over Miguel's crotch. Susan, of course, promptly hits her head on the table as she attempts to come up for air, and also to stare at Gabrielle and Miguel.
After the ads, Susan comes over to Casa Unfaithful -- presumably this is the day, since they're all in different outfits -- and reads Gabrielle the riot act about being a cheater. See, Susan is all wounded and taking it personally because of how Karl cheated on her and left her all alone and yada yada yada. "This isn't about you," Gabrielle yells. Susan disagrees: "Yes, it is. It's about me and it's about every other person who was screwed over by someone they loved." She then goes on and on about Karl and how very terrible he was to her and how she was broken-hearted and blah: "How could you do the same thing?" Gabrielle retorts that Susan has no idea what her life is like, so how dare Susan judge her? Susan snips that Gabrielle is beautiful, she's loaded, and her husband adores her. So what could be so wrong? "He doesn't adore me. He adores HAVING ME," Gabrielle corrects her. "That's a rationalization and you know it," Susan says. "See you at the show," Susan snaps and takes her poncho and storms off.
Cut to KimberBree and Lynette. Lynette is, remarkably, both without choker and putting her baby in the car seat in the middle of the back seat of her minivan. Someone has heard my prayers! Turns out Lynette is having a hard time getting a nanny. KimberBree is sympathetic...until Lynette announces that she's hoping to take advantage of KimberBree's "expertise." KimberBree's face falls. "Oh, Lord. What do you want me to do?" she asks. Marcia Cross delivered that line hilariously. Lynette knows that KimberBree's rich friends have "A-list nannies," and Lynette wants to poach one. KimberBree calls this plan "rather unseemly," but Lynette points out that this is a capitalist society, fair market, free workers, etc. "So, come on. Where can I score some high-grade nanny?" she grins. KimberBree looks amused in spite of herself.
Gabrielle comes over to see Miguel. He tells her that he has awesome news: "I broke it off with Danielle. Passed her a note in French class." I wonder what it said. "Ma pauvre Danielle: L'amour? C'est fini!" So, now Gabrielle and Miguel can hook up! Woo! Gabrielle is less than thrilled, and tells the poor kid that Susan saw Gabrielle's foot getting friendly with Miguel's...you know, stuff, and that Susan knows everything. Miguel's sweet little face falls.
KimberBree comes into her front yard loaded down with a bag of fertilizer. She looks up and sees Andrew leaning out his bedroom window. They look at each other. He sort of waves. As she comes inside the house, he hustles to hide his stash of weed. KimberBree knocks on his bedroom door. Hey, when'd he get that back? I thought he was going to be door-free for three months. At any rate, Andrew opens it and conducts a hilariously stoned conversation with his mother, all smiling and spacey. KimberBree opens by wondering if he's been spending any time reflecting on the horrible things he's done. "Yeah, I totally get how, like, my actions effect, like, everything else," Andrew drawls. KimberBree is all, "Really?" and Andrew goes off on this tangent about doing things...and how they're cool...and then things are all balanced...and, like, smooth....you know? KimberBree finally smells the weed and asks him sharply if he's been smoking marijuana. Andrew denies it, but KimberBree gets all up in his grill and pulls his eyelids up like a horse. "You are totally strung out!" she squeals.
KimberBree storms downstairs and -- in a brilliant visual -- looks into her meticulously organized (by both color and size) Tupperware cabinet. She reaches in and gets a small salad dressing container and storms back upstairs, where she hands it to Andrew. "What's that?" he grins dopily. "It's the container you'll be urinating into," she says sharply, and grabs him by the ear and drags him off, presumably to the bathroom.
Meanwhile, over at Casa Suicide, Paul stands over the kitchen sick and scrubs at his bloody jeans with a brush. YOU ARE SO DUMB, PAUL. Those are never going to get clean and you are getting DNA everywhere. You brought the murder victim's blood into your own kitchen sink. Everyone knows you burn the clothes you wore when you committed murder! JESUS. Anyway, that blood is a bitch to get out, obviously, so Paul kind of gives up and just shoves the clothes in a trash bag. Good plan, Retardo Montalban. Just put them in the trash. No one will notice that. He's taking them out to the garbage when Dr. Sicker shows up and is all, "Well, I sorta don't know how this happened or anything, but Zack is kinda missing. Sorry!" Paul's actual response is, "It's been one of those days." Sure: ineptly bury ineptly murdered neighbor, learn that wrongly incarcerated son has escaped mental institution. Sounds just like my average Tuesday!
Over at his house, Miguel is playing basketball with a Dorky Blond Friend. DBF can't believe that Miguel broke up with Danielle, especially since she "looked so slutty" at a recent social gathering. But Miguel is still hung up on what DBF calls his "mysterious married lady." Miguel explains that he and MML talk about, like, totally deep stuff: "She doesn’t treat me like some lame yard boy." He then whines that now that MML's friend knows about their affair, the shit is going to hit the fan. DBF points out that Miguel's social status at school is going to sky rocket when people find out he's "doing a hot housewife." Cut to Helen, Mother of Miguel, looking stunned and dismayed and eavesdroppy behind them, holding a bag of trash on her way to the garbage bin.
Casa Inexcusable Stupidity. Paul is peeved that Zack has gone missing. Dr. Sicker is peeved that Paul made them medicate Zack without therapy. Yeah, that probably was a pretty bad idea.
Cut to Zack, hidden away in Julie's room. She brings him a sandwich. Meaningful looks are exchanged. Dum dum DUM -- oh, whatever.
Fancy Schmancy Park. Lynette scopes out the nannies, and finally picks one who looks appropriate: young, attractive, nice to her charges, and loaded up with lots of snacks. She is played by Marla Sokoloff, formerly of The Practice. After eyeballing her for a good long time, Lynette sits down and starts the sweet-talking.
Golf course. KimberBree is driven, presumably by some golf-course employee who fell prey to her remarkable powers of persuasion, right up to Rex's hole. Ew, not like that. God, I'm graphic today. KimberBree storms up to Rex, Tupperware container of urine in hand. "What's this?" Rex asks. "Your son's urine," she announces. Rex turns to his partner: "I'm going to need a moment," he says dryly. I rarely praise Steven Culp, because I'm usually so busy getting all slobbery all over Marcia Cross, but it bears mentioning that he delivered that line beautifully. KimberBree explains the whole weed situation and asks that Rex take the pee in to be tested immediately. It takes me, like, twenty minutes to remember that Rex is a doctor, and therefore has the resources to do that. But Rex doesn't want to do that. And he doesn't want Andrew off the swim team, period. "We're not going to ruin Andrew's future just because he sparked a doobie," Rex spits. How about because he ran over an old lady when he was driving drunk, and then fled the scene of the crime? Seems like a pretty good reason to me. KimberBree sputters that she thought Rex moved home to help straighten the kids out. She just doesn't know why he's fighting her on this. Rex yells that he's fighting KimberBree because he disagrees with her! And they're still getting divorced! And he doesn't have to let KimberBree push him around anymore! Oh, KimberBree. You are so divine. You can do so much better than this asshat. KimberBree looks perturbed and says she never pushed him around: "We always made our decisions together." Rex snaps that she made the decisions and then told him he agreed, and that he just smiled and took it. Well, that last part is your fault, even if the rest is true, dude. "What a liar I was. Thank God you're out of my life," he says, and turns to leave her. So KimberBree calls him back, and then throws the urine all over him. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks, horrified. "Same thing you just did to every memory I have of our marriage," she tells him, and storms off. "If you were my mom, I'd smoke pot, too," Rex screams after her. I hate him.
At the park, Lynette has learned that Claire's boss, Alexis, is just terrible. But Claire loves the kids. So she's awjorhybo4086gntte -- sorry. I fell asleep. Lynette's storylines remain painfully boring for me. Anyway. Claire's boss is awful, but Claire loves the kids, so she's torn. Is there anyone watching this who doesn't realize that Claire is obviously going to become Lynette's new nanny? I didn't think so. Anyway, Alexis -- who is not actually Joan Collins as Alexis Carrington, sadly, because that would have been interesting, what with all the drinks being tossed in faces and people being pushed off balconies -- shows up at the park, and she's terrible, and Lynette and Claire make plans to meet later in secret, blah blah Secret Love Affair As A (Boring) Metaphor for Nanny Poaching, I get it.
Over at Casa Klutzy, Susan is outside in her front yard, "drawing." Teri Hatcher looks as natural drawing as I do performing brain surgery. Miguel comes up and tells her that he knows she knows, and he knows she's freaking out, and he wants to explain: "What me and Mrs. Solis have? It's deep. We have a future. It's not just sex." That poor kid. Susan looks sad and explains that Gabrielle is not going to divorce Carlos and run off with Miguel. And while I agree with her in general, didn't Karl divorce Susan and run off with a younger woman? I'm just saying. Susan then points out that Miguel is not mature enough to have a realistic perspective on this relationship, and that he would be much happier with a girl his own age. "She's the one I want," says Miguel of Gabrielle. Poor kid. Susan looks thoughtful as Miguel explains that he really loves Gabrielle. Susan pats him sympathetically. And, across the street, Helen watches from her car and looks peeved.
Fashion show. Gay Matt is doing the MC duties, and doing them quite well. He is so charming, I kind of want to marry him myself. Backstage, there's some blah blah about how great it is that Gay Matt could fill in for Carlos at the last minute. Apparently, Carlos had some work emergency. "He couldn't talk about it," Gabrielle says, adjusting KimberBree's fantastic pink strapless number. Lynette watches her husband with a smile, and admits that Gay Matt "does have a dorky charm." Gabrielle runs through the order for the show, and then Edie comes in and reveals that her dress has been altered for optimum ho-liciousness, and that she's not wearing any underwear, and blah. We get it: Edie Is Trampy. Then Susan makes her big entrance in her white dress, and everyone acts like she looks FANTASTIC and AMAZING, and I think she looks sort of meh. The dress is nice, but her hair is crazy big and has a big old pin in it, and she's wearing too much jewelry, and her face is really made up and...the whole thing is just too much. But it is decided that Susan must hit the runway last, both because she looks so amazing and because Helen never showed up, for some reason. Everyone scatters, except Gabrielle, who tells Susan that she really looks fantastic. Susan just storms past her.
Fashion show. Cue endless product placement by Halston, followed by a tiresome performance from Edie, who comes out and stomps around so that everyone in the audience can see her cooter. Classy.
Backstage, Helen turns in her dress and explains to some Random Dude that she can't do the show because she's "not feeling very festive." It is right about now that she runs into Susan, and that's when the catfight begins. On the Catfight scale -- which runs from 60 Minutes to Dynasty -- this is about a Passions. Susan tries to explain that she and Helen have switched spots in the lineup, and Helen responds, "There's a special place in hell for people like you." Because, you know, she thinks that Susan is sleeping with Miguel. Susan, of course, has no idea what Helen's talking about. "It wasn’t my decision," she says. So Helen slaps her. "You're an adult! Take some responsibility," she snaps. Not unreasonably, Susan wonders what the hell is wrong with Helen. Helen shoves her. They tussle. "For God's sake, Helen, this is for CHARITY," Susan squeals. So Helen, of course, rips Susan's dress. "Keep your hands off my son," Helen says, before storming out. "Wha?" Susan asks....and then she is, of course, pushed on stage, looking like...well, like she's just been in a catfight. Everyone looks horrified, except Edie, who looks amused. Susan tries to cover her naked bits, and then runs offstage. "You never looked better," Edie calls after her and laughs. Oh, Susan. How do you ever even get up the nerve to leave the house?
After the ads, Susan sulkily gathers her things backstage. Gabrielle comes over and apologizes. Susan doesn't say anything for a long time, but finally advises Gabrielle to clear things up with Helen before everyone in the neighborhood thinks Susan is sleeping with "an underage boy." Gabrielle pleads that she can't -- Carlos will find out and divorce her. "So what? You obviously don't love him," says Susan. And I see Susan's point, but I think Gabrielle's situation is a little more complicated than that. Gabrielle protests that she does love Carlos: "It's just complicated." What did I just tell you? Gabrielle says that there's got to be a way to fix this. "God. You are so weak," Susan spits, and starts to go. "Susan, don't be like this," Gabrielle calls after her. "What did you expect? A hug?" Susan asks, and storms out.
, Lynette steals Claire the nanny from her terrible employer by giving Claire a large raise and promising to be nice to her. Lynette is very happy to be a woman in possession of a nanny. Man, if this show were about only Lynette, my recap would be, like, a page long!
Julie and Zack hang out in Julie's bedroom. Julie wonders where he's going to go, now that he's escaped The Home For Kids Who Know Too Much. He tells her that he can't go home. He's not afraid of his dad, he says. It's him. He's really messed up. Julie presses him for answers, and Zack's all, "It's better that you don't know," all dramatically, and I can see why that would be attractive when you are, like, fifteen, but Julie, after a while? You just want someone who will go to the movies with you without being all, "I CAN'T TELL YOU MY TERRIBLE SECRET," because eventually your response will be, "I know you can't. Do you want to get ice cream before or after the movie?" and they'll get all shirty because you're not into their angst anymore and it's just a bad scene. Trust me. Anyway, Julie presents him with the Dana blanket and tells him she already knows a little. He makes sad noises. But that might just be because he's realized that he's wearing horrible man-bangs.
Poor Danielle Van De Kamp comes home from school, all tear-stained and clearly still torn up from Miguel dumping her, although we know it's not the same day. I guess these things stick with you. She meets her mother on their front walk, and KimberBree perfunctorily asks how school was. A puffy Danielle snuffles that it was okay. "Good. Where does Andrew keep his marijuana?" KimberBree asks sunnily.
Clad in an amazing argyle sweater and sexy-secretary pencil skirt, KimberBree comes click-clacking into the boys' locker room at Posh Academy. She examines a laminated card titled "Numbers of Relevance" before twirling Andrew's combination. (The Numbers of Relevance include -- thanks, TiVo Pause Function! -- Andrew's school and swim locker combos, his social security number, his savings account pin number, and his "text message ID," which I assume is like his AIM handle [Andrew1837].) KimberBree fiddles though his locker, finds a baggie of weed tucked into an athletic sock, and starts to confiscate it. But a light bulb comes on over her head, and she puts it back where she found it.
Julie's room. Zack tells her that, when he was about four years old, he heard his parents fighting downstairs. "I heard him yell my name, and hers," he says. "Dana?" Julie asks. Zack nods. He went down and "saw them cleaning it up." "It" being blood. Julie looks slightly alarmed by this tale: "Was it Dana's?" Zack says he thinks so. He couldn't remember for the longest time, but after Mary Alice killed herself, he started having these dreams: "I don't even see Dana. I see the blood and my mom picking me up, and putting me on my bed and whispering that it's not my fault," he says, and then explains that his parents got upset every time he said Dana's name. Julie looks confused. "I killed my baby sister," Zack finally says. "And they buried her to protect me." I doubt that. No one is going to send a four-year-old to jail, especially considering that it was obviously an accidental death. Julie must doubt this, too, or else she finds murderers super-hot, because she lets Zack kiss her. Oh, Julie.
So, Gabrielle goes to see Helen and confesses that she's nailing Miguel. Helen is not really very pleased about this whole thing. "I'm so sorry," Gabrielle says, although I think she's really just sorry that she got caught and that it's turned into a whole big dramatic thing. "For how long?" Helen asks. Gabrielle explains that it's been almost a year, but that it's over now. "So, when it started, he was...sixteen?" Helen asks. Gabrielle thinks so. "But Helen, you have to believe me. It's over now," she adds. Helen gets her mail and tells her that she's wrong. "It's not even close to being over," Helen says coolly, and goes inside.
At Posh Academy, Andrew is called into the coach's office. "Bet it's about my scholarship," he smarms to his swim-team buddies, and then runs in. I imagine that it's not so much about his scholarship as it is about the pot in his locker.
At home, KimberBree is cheerfully arranging flowers when the phone rings. "Marijuana in his locker? Oh, I'm just horrified," she trills. "There must be some mistake. Yeah, okay, I'll be right down," she says, and hangs up the phone and smiles. Beautifully done little moment. In fact, that little scene was so perfect, it inspired me to write a haiku: Marcia Cross? Divine/ Her sweater totally rules/ She is my idol.
So, elsewhere, some dude is making a toy box, much like the one Paul Young dug up and threw in the lake, so as to make it easier for the police to find and trace back to him. Speaking of the police, they come into the toy box maker's workshop, and start questioning the man.
Susan comes home to find Paul harassing Julie about Zack's whereabouts. He wants to see the letters Zack wrote her, he says. How does he even know those letters exist? Julie wails that the letters are private, but swears that they don't say anything about Zack running away. Susan backs the kid up, telling Paul that she'll let him know immediately if they hear from Zack. Paul makes a lot of aggrieved noises, until Susan finally steps in front of Julie and lays down the law: "Paul, my daughter doesn't lie." In response, Paul storms off to find a kitchen appliance to kill her with.
Box Maker's. This scene teaches us the following: one of the cops is a total Hey! It's That Guy!, who also looks a bit like James Denton; the box from the lake was a popular design, and although Box Maker has a list of customer names, it's going to take a while to get through them; the chest has been through hell; the chest had the body of an adult female stuffed inside it; said body was chopped up so as to get her in the box; there was also a big old hole in her skull. Well, then the woman clearly wasn't killed by Zack, since I doubt he could wield a shotgun at age four. And she probably wasn't killed by Paul since he couldn't possibly think of chopping the body up so as to best dispose of it. He would just leave it out for the garbage man.
During the ads, there is a commercial for the Dynasty movie, which I plan to recap when it airs in January. There is actually a factual error in the ad, as it places Heather Locklear at the infamous Moldavian Massacre, when her character, Sammy Jo, was not in fact at the wedding, but was instead in New York, transforming an actress into the spitting image of Krystle Carrington so that Heather and George Hamilton could then kidnap the actual Krystle and put the Faux Krystle in her place so that Sammy Jo could get her inheritance, of which the real Krystle was the stingy executrix. Poor Krystle. Seriously, she had things rough, what with the miscarriage she had after Alexis fired a shotgun to her horse's head and she got dragged through a field like fifty feet; and then her step-grandchild got kidnapped; and then Blake raped her even though he ended up feeling really bad about that; and then Steven's face got blown off and he came back from being on an oil rig or something looking way hotter than he did before; and then the whole getting locked in the attic, and of course all the shenanigans with Alexis. Dynasty is pretty much the best soap ever made, with the possible exception of Melrose Place, and I swear to God, if there is any justice in the world, Aaron Spelling is currently working on a show starring Heather Locklear, Shannen Doherty, Joan Collins, and Marcia Cross, and then I will die happy.
Casa Narc. Rex is really mad at Andrew about the weed, although the little asshole claims he was set up. "The coach got an anonymous phone call!" he yelps. Rex doesn't care, seeing as "the pot was there." Andrew actually trots out the old "I was holding it for a friend" line, and Rex can't decide which is worse: that Andrew had pot, or that he used such a crappy line. And I rarely agree with Rex, but I'm with him here. I hate being lied to, but I feel like, if you're going to lie to me, at least go to the trouble of concocting a believable lie. Anyway, Andrew starts storming off to his room, but takes a moment to shoot KimberBree, who is busy setting the table, a long, irritated look. She gives it right back to him. I don't think my mother set the table once after my sister and I were born. Start doling out the chores to your hateful family, KimberBree.
Casa Unfaithful. Carlos is working on his laptop, and Gabrielle is pretending to read, but is basically sitting there looking very guilty. She opens her mouth, presumably to come clean, but can't go through with it. She's on her way to bed when several police cars come pulling up to the house, and the Feds start pouring out. "She turned me in," Gabrielle breathes, and then runs to Carlos's side. She begs him to forgive her. "I am so sorry," she says. "I just know that whatever happens, I love you very very much." The FBI bangs on the door. Gabrielle begins to cry as Carlos goes to the door and lets them in. They, of course, arrest Carlos. He calls to Gabrielle to get hold of their lawyer. "What's happening?" she asks, as they drag him out. She follows, crying. He calls to her that it's just a mistake. "It's Tanaka, he set me up," he tells her, as the Feds put him in the car and speed off. Gabrielle looks bereft.
So, apparently, according to the moment that kicks off our closing montage, people are still cleaning up over at the charity ball. Gabrielle should probably look into hiring a more effective work force. Anyway, while the Endless Cleaning continues, Carlos sits in jail and looks irritated. Poor Carlos.
At Casa Narc, KimberBree walks past Andrew's door with a pile of towels. He's smoking pot in his room. They share a look, and he gets up and closes the door in her face. Nice.
Over at Casa Harboring A Criminal, Julie curls up in her bed and watches Zack sleep on the floor. Great parenting, Susan. I know you're very occupied being peeved with Gabrielle right now, but how have you not heard him clomping around upstairs?
Across the street, Gabrielle sits on her porch and looks upset. Susan comes up and takes a seat right to her. "They took him away in handcuffs," Gabrielle says, and starts crying. Susan says nothing, but just puts her arm around Gabrielle sympathetically. Aw, Susan. You're a total disaster, but you have a good heart.