By Evany
Previously on Desperate Housewives: Susan said she would never believe anything Mike says ever again (never ever NEVER); Mama Solis came to stay and promised to investigate Carlos's suspicion that Gabrielle was cheating on him; Andrew didn't feel at all bad for hit-and-running over Mama because she's so very old and he's so very young (and gay) and, hello, he shouldn't have to waste all that virility on prison or community service or like an apology...JESUS!
The Mary Alice Voice Over: "In the coma ward in the Sacred Heart Hospital, people dream." Isn't that lovely, dreaming? "The custodian dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job." The custodian takes out an actual lottery ticket and kisses it on the lips and then walks away from his floor waxer, a half-waxed floor, and an ominous Caution Cone. I'm not exactly sure why he's leaving right in the middle of things like that; maybe he's retreating to a quiet corner so he can dirty talk to his lottery ticket in peace? "Howard the security guard envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics." Howard kicks off his shoes and settles in for some hardcore on-the-job napping. "Ruth Ann the night nurse fantasizes about leaving her husband." Nurse Ruth Ann leaves her wedding ring spinning like a top on her desk as she grabs her cigarettes and abandons her post. The scene for some serious bodily harm is now set. "But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 312." We see in flashback that Mama Solis has been dreaming about the moment she caught Gabby on top of the gardener (as well she should...that is one steamy, dream-worthy sweet-gardener/hot-lady combo), and she's been dreaming about the accident that put her in her coma (not quite as steamy). But, more than anything, Mama's been dreaming about the moment she finally gets to tell her son the truth about his cheating ex-supermodel wife.
"And then one night, Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up." Mama's eyes pop open and she leaps out of bed, atrophied coma muscles be damned, and starts scooting around the abandoned hospital hallways in nothing but her gown and socks, wheeling her IV beside her. "Hello?" she croaks, "is anybody here?" At least her voice has the decency to be slightly hoarse after five months of nothing but dreaming. "I have to call my son!" Mama slaps her hands in frustration on Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann's abandoned desk. Mama wheels past the sleeping guard. Mama frantically presses the elevator button. Mama spies a pay phone across a vast expanse of half-waxed floor. Mama rips out her IV (she doesn't have time for IVs, are you kidding?) and races out onto the slippery, slippery floor, which launches her into a spectacular cartoon slapstick skid, which propels her through a door marked "Stairs," and then, yes, she bumps her way...down...a full...flight...of stairs. Startled by Mama's sudden arrival, Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann throws down her cigarette and races to Mama's crumpled side. "Tell my son," Mama gasps, "his wife is cheating on him." Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann ohmygods as Mama slips into the Permanent Dream. Cue the Six Feet Under theme song! But oops, guess who missed Mama's dying message because she was wearing headphones -- headphones blasting some horrible, horrible panty jams? (I swear, was that Al Jarreau? Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann was jamming to Al Jarreau as she puffed and fumed about leaving her husband?) But then how did Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann know to turn around when Mama hit the deck, if she couldn't hear her fall? Hm. Maybe she felt the vibration of the body hitting the metal stairway landing, you know, through her feet? In any case, cue Danny Elfman and the Desperate Housewives montage!
MAVO: "Honor [...] heroes [...] dreams of being rescued," etc. My god, this is my very first recap ever, and just one scant minute into it, I'm already chronically fatigued by Mary Alice. So much talking! So, much, weird, pausing! It's like she tripped and fell into a pit of commas. Anyway. Susan the professional illustrator sure does color like a fifth-grader, all horses, and knights, and avoiding painting hands by kind of just letting them fade away into nothing. Susan gets up to pour herself a cup of coffee and gazes out her window at Mike as he walks up to her door. "Susan I know you're in there," he yells. "We have to talk." Susan throws open the door. "This is crazy," he says, "I know," she says. And...SUPER-FRENCHING! Wait, what?
Now Susan is back to sipping her coffee and gazing out the window. It was just a fantasy! Not the real thing! THIS time she throws open the door and Mike admits that yes, he did kill somebody, but he did it for Susan. And...MEGA-FRENCHING!
Aw, duped again. The third time through, Mike pulls a gun on Susan: "If I can't have you, no one else can!" And then yes, again with the MONSTER FRENCHING! After all that frenchasizing, it's hard to imagine what's going to happen for reals, but what do you want to bet it's going to involve Susan and her sad, self-defeating, bumble-blundering? Mike knocks on the door, and Susan ducks out of site and crawls across the floor. As she crawls, she makes the oddest yip-yappy dog sound. Poor little puppy. With another canine moan, she slides down to the floor with her back against the door. Mike slips an envelope halfway under the door, and after waiting maybe two seconds, Susan grabs it. From behind the door, Mike says, "Susan? Um...maybe you should have waited until I left to do that." Curses! Susan clutches the envelope to her small yet entirely glorious breasts as Mike explains, still through the door, that everything she ever wanted to know about him -- about his past, about his reasons for doing what he did; basically everything she's been twisting in the wind about for the entire duration of their three-second relationship -- all of it is in that letter. Wouldn't it be satisfying to read that letter? Wouldn't you just rip the stuffing out of that envelope? Leap at the chance to find out what the hay has been going on all this time? You think?
Cut to the school parking lot, where Andrew sits in a car with some friends. They're looking at a magazine (Hit-and-Runners's Monthly, perhaps? Bi Monthly? Titter!) as the most insanely thick marijuana fog swirls around them. Andrew is at the wheel, but I don't think this is his car (didn't they get rid of his wheels?). A security guard taps on the window with his very large class-of-'96 ring. (I've always wondered who bought those things, and now I know: future high-school parking lot security guards.) Andrew rolls down his window, letting forth a comical billow of wacky-weed smoke, along with a sampling of rebellious rap music and a great deal of teen sass. The guard asks him to step out of the car, and Andrew calmly shifts from P to D and peels out of the parking lot, causing the class-of-'96 security guard to fall to the ground and roll around in a spectacular, ass-over-kettle fashion, like he's been tossed from the back of a raging bull. Maybe his huge class-of-'96 ring got caught on the lip of Andrew's window or something? Or maybe he's just one of those overly dramatic high-school parking lot security guards.
Back at the house, KimberBree -- wearing pearls, a fiery That Girl flip, and pink cashmere (with red trim along the collar...oh! I want!) -- is stomping around, Rex skittering along at her heels. It appears as though Smokey Andrew's gotten himself nice and expelled just two months shy of graduation. "What are we going to do?" Rex wonders exasperatedly. "I'm glad you asked," KimberBree says, and plucks a stack of teen-attitude-readjustment brochures from a drawer to the kitchen sink. Apparently she's been collecting them for months. (What, they were just sitting in there, with the ladles?) She had a feeling the family might be needing them. Rex balks at sending his son to a "prison camp," but KimberBree insists that some of the places sound almost "fun." When Rex objects that Camp Hennessy is surrounded by an electrified fence, KimberBree points out that "it's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries." I would think that "Cuff Me" Rex would be able to see the fun in that? But no, stamp, stamp! KimberBree flips through the rest of the stack of teen-deprogramming camps: the ranch in Montana with daily anger-management classes, the desert retreat with the glorious recidivism rate. But Rex puts his foot down. "It's easy for you," KimberBree says bitterly. "You're not the one he hates." Rex promises to "sit Andrew down for a little one-on-one chat." "You talk to him all you want," KimberBree says KimberBreezily. "I'm going to check out the place with the electrified fence."
Lynette sits at a school table watching the twins do a little Boston Tea Partying in elaborate, "oneth by land, twoeth by sea" costumes (even though the audience is nothing but a few parents sitting around in a classroom). Lynette notices a mother sitting nearby with a young girl. The two of them are doing something...strange with their hands. Could the woman be...deaf? Intrigued by the incredible exoticism of deafness, Lynette approaches the woman and, with almost no preamble, invites her and her children over for a play date. The twins and the deaf woman's son run off to play together in a rambunctious yet perfectly within reason display of sound, and Lynette sighs and eye-rolls with exasperation (kids! making noise!) and, with a knowing nod to her new, deaf friend, she upgrades the playdate to a "just-adults" dinner. Since the new, deaf friend couldn't hear the kids' screeching, she probably has no idea why Lynette just upgraded the play date to adults only. Maybe she thinks Lynette and her husband are swingers? Interesting.
Carlos skips into his house and announces to Gabrielle that the DA caved, that he's got them by their short hairs, that they've offered a plea bargain. "Oh my god, honey, that means we get to keep the house!" Gabby thrills. Nooo. Keeping the house would require Carlos actually to take the plea, which would mean eight months in jail. Gabby thinks he deserves it, given his guilty-as-sin-ness, etc. Carlos doesn't agree, etc. Anyway, phone! It's the hospital. Carlos's Mama is dead! Gabrielle hugs and soothes her husband, but as we zoom in on her face, we see that she's all glee, which seems more than a little gross. Where is her compassion for her obviously shattered husband? I could see Gabrielle feeling relieved, maybe. But glee is a little...I don't know, sociopathic.
The ...day? Carlos and Gabby are both wearing slightly different outfits now, so either it's tomorrow or they've experienced a mid-afternoon need for a clothing swap (something sexy, maybe a sexy car wash or a sexy game of "frosting the cupcakes"?). Wisteria Lane time is so magical! Carlos is thumbing a brochure not for an attitude-readjustment camp for Gabby (though clearly she could use a little time with an electrified fence), but a brochure advertising incredibly expensive funeral finery for his mother's burial. Gabby whines that they can't afford it (and really, after five months of hospital care for Mama -- as someone on the boards pointed out, it's curious that they didn't move Mama to a hospice after a month or two of monstrously expensive hospitalization -- I'm guessing they're in the very worst kind of debt by now). Carlos's mother was a simple woman, Gabby wheedles, and would appreciate something practical, something affordable. Carlos accuses her of hating his mother (true), but Gabby insists that his mother thought Gabby was trash (also true), and back and forth, meow-meow-meow, but still Carlos insists that his Mama was a queen and deserves to be planted accordingly!
Elsewhere: the rest of the ladies gather around a bench in front of, I'm guessing, one of their houses. A bus stop, maybe? Weird. Lynette has a stroller with her, which she joggles almost as though there were an actual infant bundled lovingly within. KimberBree looks gorgeous in a plunging violet sweater, and yes, it's cashmere. Meanwhile, Edie is wearing a total walk-of-shame ensemble: last night's cream satin bustier with exposed lacy black bra underneath, paired with a novelty keychain-sized jean mini. Huh? The ladies wonder why Susan hasn't opened the Letter That Explains Everything. "What if it's just a bunch of far-fetched stories?" Susan worries. "Well you should assume that it is," KimberBree snarks. "Why?" Lynette wonders. "Well, think about how good men are at lying on the spot," KimberBree reasons. "I mean, god forbid you give them time and a pen." Oh KimberBree! This really is an awkward scene. Lots of stiff poses with an odd assortment of staring and pausing and forced laughter. Just us girls, standing here, chatting about men, clustered for no reason around an oddly located bench! Then Edie's new contractor, Bill, pulls up in his truck and tells Edie something about blueprints...master bath...blah, blah. Then he drives away with a long, soulful tracking look back at Susan. Even though, according to Edie, she's "sort of dating" him. "Didn't you once say never mix business with pleasure?" Lynette asks. "No, I said never mix pleasure with commitment." This from the girl whose very line is, "Yeah for Pete's sake, would you open [the envelope] up already?" Edie? Referencing the Sake of Pete? Aw, is Edie secretly a sweet, sweet country mouse at heart? "No, no I won't." Susan won't open that letter! "I don't trust Mike anymore, and without trust...NO, no, I'm just going to go in and rip it up and throw it in the trash." "Why wait?" Lynette says as she grabs the letter from Susan. "Why don't we just rip it up now?" "Nonono, that's okay," Susan grabs back the letter. "I don't want to, you know, litter." Susan retreats into her house, which means the bench-of-casual-lady-gathering is in front of Susan's house? Okay. "She is SO opening that letter," Lynette says. You think?
MAVO: "While Carlos was making arrangements to bury his mother, Gabrielle was making sure she was taking her secret to the grave." This is a classic scene of cross purposes. Gabrielle worries that Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann has the dirt on her. Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann worries that Gabrielle going to sue her and/or the hospital for negligence. As they hesitantly hedge around the topic of Mama's death, they only manage to freak each other out all the more. Also, throughout the duration of the scene, a creepy hospital...lawyer?...listens in from the cracked-open door of a nearby office. Gabrielle's breasts are very front-and-center in this scene, pert and well-separated, like maybe they're fighting.
Susan comes out of her house and walks toward her car, only to find...wah, wah. A flat tire! The culprit? A huge, three-inch nail. I'm not sure how someone could run over such a thing accidentally. Was it poised on its head when she ran over it? If so, wouldn't it just tip onto its harmless side? I don't know, maybe it's some sort of secret nail science I don't understand.
Susan walks over to the construction site at Edie's house and presents the nail to Bill, even though there are eight million workers buzzing around the site and any one of them could be to blame for the errant nail. Bill flirts in such a way as to make it seem as though he punctured the tire himself, just to get Susan's attention. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid (because slashing someone's tires is probably not the best way to get the person to like you -- though, given Susan's love of men with guns, unexplained cash, and criminal records, it might actually be the very quickest way to her heart).
Later, Bill inflates Susan's tire (can I get a Spring Break "woooo"?) with a can of Fix-A-Flat, and warns Susan that she really has to get the tire fixed soon (Susan! [snap, snap] Over here! Susan?) because the Fix-A-Flat fix is only going to last twenty, maybe thirty miles. (I can attest to this...the one time I used Fix-A-Flat, I drove straight to the tire shoppe, and when they got my old tire off, they said the Fix-A-Flat had almost eaten its way through the rubber. If I'd driven a few more miles, the entire tire would have disintegrated. Susan? Focus!) Then Bill asks Susan to lunch, and Susan is all, are you asking me out on a Date? And Bill is all, a Date? "That sounds kind of formal for a burrito and a soda." Hey big spender. "But yeah, I guess I am [asking Susan on a Date]." But, Susan wonders, isn't Bill dating Edie? No. Bill is not dating Edie. One date, he insists, does not "dating" make. Really? At the very least, one date implies interest, so even if Bill's ardor for Edie has cooled after just the one date, the act of dating has certainly occurred, which means that unless Bill has told her otherwise, Edie is within her rights to think there may still be something brewing. Certainly in Susan's universe, one date = BFGF 4EVER! Suddenly, Susan flips her "crazy, single, needy" switch and starts stuttering to Bill that she just got out of a relationship (again: really, Susan? Three weeks does not a relationship make), that she's all emotionally jumbled up right now, and various other I-am-an-emotional-cripple material. "Again," Bill drolls, "just a burrito." Ha! "Just a burrito...IN YOUR MOUTH!" I yell at the television. Which, for a split second, in my dark and empty apartment, sounds like an awesome double entendre, until I remember that burritos, and not only contractor penises, generally do wind up inside people's mouths. "In your mouth, with...SPICY SALSA? EXTRA spicy salsa?" Just let it go. Susan laughs. Bill agrees to give her some time to "to reflect and heal," but then he's going to ask her out again tomorrow. Why, Bill, why? Did your heart not swell with relief when you realized how narrowly you had avoided the crazy that is Susan? And yet here you are, getting right back in line again! (You know what? I just realized that both Bill and Susan's names are improved dramatically with the addition of the word "Suddenly." Suddenly Bill? Suddenly Susan? You know what? Forget it, they're an awesome couple.)
New, deaf friend Alisa and her husband, Dennis, are over at Lynette and GayMatt's for dinner. Everyone is smiling and laughing and steaking it up. Alisa buttonholes GayMatt to gossip about their jobs -- apparently they share an ex (employer) in common, whatever -- which leaves Lynette and Dennis to fend for themselves. With an abrupt lack of segue that borders on insane, Dennis launches into over-sharing about his problems with his wife, calling her selfish -- "Alisa loves talking about Alisa" -- and then confessing that they're in counseling. Lynette is all, "More steak?" and yet Dennis persists with the complaining, informing Lynette how unproductive said counseling has been, "I look at the clock and she blames me for everything." Lynette tries once again to steer him off-topic, what with his wife sitting RIGHT THERE. "It's okay," he says. "It's not like she can hear." Whoa. That is so unbelievably nasty. As in "almost impossible to believe" nasty. Either they got lazy with the writing in this scene (how hard would it have been to give Dennis even the smallest segue into his ranting?), or Dennis has stopped taking his brain tablets and is now operating completely outside of societal norms. Anything's possible on Wisteria Lane!
Cut to the post-dinner table clearing and gossiping of Lynette and GayMatt. Lynette's dishing about how awful Dennis was, and how she can't believe GayMatt agreed to play tennis with them. "Honey -- but that was before I knew he was a jerk," GayMatt protests. "She was great, look what she taught me!" Matt signs "I LOVE YOU" to Lynette. (And how, exactly, did those words come up in his conversation with Alisa? Interesting. Very interesting.) Lynette dismisses GayMatt's signs of love with an impatient "Yeah-that's-great," (ha!) and launches right in with the scheming: "What am I going to do?" "Lynette, you're starting to ramp up into that whole meddling thing that you do." GayMatt can totally handle this! GayMatt will totally speak up if Dennis continues to be an idiot at the tennis match! Lynette: "Are you saying I'm not tactful?" GayMatt remains pointedly silent for a beat, then he signs "I LOVE YOU" again. Haha! Lynette grabs the pointed finger of the "you" part of GayMatt's "I love you" and backs GayMatt out of the scene. I liked that scene! That scene was funny!
Andrew is lying on his bed watching television. KimberBree -- very upset and carrying laundry -- enters the room and a parent/teen battle ERUPTS. KimberBree asks Andrew to take out the trash. Andrew agrees, but continues to watch television. KimberBree says NOW, not five hours from now. Andrew says he needs $40 for the mall. KimberBree says no, Andrew no longer gets an allowance. Andrew says that's fine but that means he no longer takes out the trash. The fight culminates with an at-the-end-of-her-rope KimberBree standing in front of completely-checked-out Andrew and telling him, "What I want, what I have always wanted, is for you to be happy, and you're not, and I have NO idea how to help you." About half way through this speech -- which is super-moving, by the way -- Rex walks past the room and stops to catch Andrew's snot-tastic "Well you can start by getting out of the way." "I will not," KimberBree holds her ground. "We're going to talk about this NOW." And then, whoa, Andrew says, "I said, get out of the WAY," and with "WAY," he sort of shove-kicks KimberBree aside with his foot and KimberBree almost falls to the floor. In the annals of domestic abuse, it's relatively tame, but clearly Andrew is rotten to the core and in need of some serious fixing. And bam, just like that, in bursts Rex, who grabs Andrew by the collar and shoves him up against the wall: "The time you touch your mother like that, I'm going to throw you through this wall, you understand me?" A visibly shaken Andrew nods yes, he understands. After a few deep breaths, his parents file out of the room, KimberBree stopping to give one, last intense look at her son. She is wearing a very nice CASHMERE cardigan with built-in ties at the neck, and I would totally covet it, just like KimberBree's entire stable of gorgeous sweaters, but when she turns to walk out of the room, I notice that the sweater bunches in an almost vaginal way at the back of each of armpit. But that pink sweater, with the red piping? That was delish, KimberBree.
Edie jogs by Susan's house with her hair up in cute Saint Pauli braids and her breasts tucked into a ridiculously non-supportive halter tank-top. Susan traipses out to ask Edie if it's okay if she goes on a date with Bill. Edie says, "No," and continues running. Susan, completely flabbergasted, yells, "Technically, I don't need your permission." And Edie walks back and gives Susan a speech about how much she tries to like Susan -- tries to look past Susan's flaws, overlook her klutziness, her faux-vulnerability, her...hair -- but Susan keeps looking for ways too push Edie's buttons. "He just wants to buy me a burrito," Susan says meekly. "Susan, please," Edie implores, actually putting her hands together in prayer position. "Let me like you." So finally Susan agrees not to date Bill, since obviously Edie has feelings for him. "No, I don't, I really don't," Edie admits. "So what, if you can't have him, no on can?" Susan asks incredulously. Edie: "See? Now you're thinking like a friend." I'm not sure whom I agree with here. I do think that if one of your friends "calls" a boy, he's hers until she puts him up for grabs. But I do think that Edie is being unreasonably stingy here.
And...now we're at the Mama's funeral. At the lead of the procession is a woman wearing black, carrying a red rose, singing "Ave Maria" with extreme passion and vibrato. Lynette (nice UPSWEEP) and KimberBree (nice HAT) speak in low tones. Lynette: "What a voice." KimberBree: "You have to hand it to [terribly dubbed "Gabby and Carlos"]: they know how to do grief better than anyone." According to the buzz on the message boards, originally KimberBree's line was, "You have to hand it to THE CATHOLICS, they know how to do grief better than anyone." But, with the Pope (as of last Sunday) so gravely ill, the line was altered at the very last second so as not to offend. Probably a good move, but it would have been eerily edgy if they'd left it in. Oh well. We see a flower-draped horse-and-buggy Hearse. Gabby -- who appears to be noticing it for the very first time -- asks Carlos, "How much did the horse and buggy set us back?" She's talking money at her mother-in-law's FUNERAL? "Do you mind?" Carlos asks with understandable irritation. Gabby fires back with a "Mind being POOR? A little." Oh Gabby. Have you no soul? (Also, is your hair trying to ESCAPE FROM YOUR HEAD in this scene? I understand the draw of the Charlie's Angels look, I really do, but Gabby's feather looks positively electrified in this scene.) An eavesdropping priest turns to shoot Gabby a scandalized look. "Eyes front, Padre." Which is pretty funny, but...Jesus, Gabby.
, we see Edie in sunglasses and a black hat with a huge country-cutesy bow that looks like a pile of mauve, purple, and teal wood shavings. Susan and daughter Julie are walking a few steps behind. Always appropriate, Susan is completely bowled over by the sadness of the occasion, and she sniffles quietly. Just kidding! No, Susan is bitching to Julie about how lame Edie is for not letting Susan date Tire-Puncture Bill: "I can't believe Edie. She doesn't have dibs on every man on the planet. If I want to go out with Bill, I should be able to." "I thought you weren't even into him," Julie points out -- rather reasonably, I might add. (She looks pretty disgusted with her mother in this scene.) "Well, neither is she! And if she's not into him, why can't I not be into him?" Julie says, "I'm going to mourn now," and speeds up to get away from Susan. Thank you, Jules! Susan looks slightly surprised and, finally, chastened.
Okay what is that, the Parthenon? No wait, it's just Mama's crypt. Wow, those Catholics really do know how to grieve. And if Gabby was freaked by the horse and buggy, she is out of her mind over the crypt. Even though Carlos insists that he got an amazing deal on it because someone else's family couldn't keep up the maintenance payments (so this is a REPOed crypt? That's a slightly less impressive way to grieve), Gabby just can't face it: "That is IT. I can not BE a part of THIS." She windmills her arms in a miff and then actually peels off from the procession, forcing Carlos to walk away from his own mother's funeral to go comfort his ice-hearted, money-grubbing, cheating-ass wife. And then, ridiculously, the rest of the procession starts to follow them. Confused, Lynette asks KimberBree, "Are we supposed to be following them?" "I don't know," KimberBree says. "Maybe it's part of the ritual?" But then they hear Gabrielle yell, "Go to hell, Carlos!" After a moment of shock, KimberBree recovers to save the day. Stepping forward, she turns to face the procession and, with the well-rehearsed sing-song of a flight attendant, announces, "All right people, we're going to follow the body." Clap, clap. "This way please. Come along!"
With the procession back on track, Gabby and Carlos are free to go at it:
Carlos: What do you want me to do?
Gabby: Take the plea!
Carlos: What?
Gabby: Yeah, you did the crime, why should I have to pay the price? Just suck it up. Be a man and do the time.
Carlos: Gabby, you are being ridiculous.
Gabby: Am I? All I want is the same respect that you gave your dead mother.
Carlos: Gabby, PLEASE.
Gabby: At least she's going to have a roof over her head.
Ooooo! Well, Gabby does have a point, but that rightness is completely outweighed by the fact that she chose to vent it at Mama's funeral. And besides, it isn't as though Gabby is a baby lamb of innocence, generally speaking.
And...doubles anyone? Deaf Alisa has cute braids (a leitmotif in this episode?). Alisa misses an easy shot and Psychotic Dennis starts right in with the "God Alisa, you're deaf, not blind!" just as soon as his her back is turned. The bitchy comments continue and, contrary to GayMatt's earlier promise to Lynette, he doesn't put his foot down and tell Dennis that he is, in fact, psychotic. Lynette fires off a tennis ball directly at Dennis's face, and he ducks but still doesn't get the message.
When the match is over, Lynette compliments Alisa on her game. "Give me a break," says batshit Dennis. "She serves UNDERHANDED for Christ's sake." Lynette gives GayMatt one last look, like, are you going to take care of this or not? And yet, still, GayMatt keeps his embarrassed silence. So Lynette cuts loose, and GayMatt races off to make small talk about his electrolytes with Alisa. Dennis tries to defend his crazy by explaining that his wife's plastered-on smile is really her way of criticizing his love handles, etc. "All right, enough," says Lynette. "If you have issues with your wife, tell her." "We're in counseling," he says petulantly. "Yeah, well, it's not working too well if you have to unload on a perfect stranger, is it? If you're unhappy with your marriage, do something instead of just complaining because...frankly? I don't want to hear it." Zing!
Back at Susan's. Bill is out in front, putting air? In Susan's tire? I guess? There's a tank of, I think, air there beside him, but he's also got a lug wrench out, so he's messing with the bolts on the wheel too. In any case, surprise! He gives Susan a hard time for not getting her tire fixed (well, then, what was he just doing with her tire?), and she's all, "I know, I know," and then Bill makes a big show of how hot and thirsty it is, working on someone's car without her permission. Susan: "Would you like a glass of water and maybe an excuse to come in and talk to me?" Why is Susan so confident and sassy some of the time, and so needy and freaky all the other times? Anyway Bill reminds Susan that it is now tomorrow (it is?), which means it's time for him to ask her out again. Susan tries to say no, and Bill wonders if it's because she thinks he's hideous. Susan jumps to say no, god no: "Maybe it's the word 'date' that's throwing me off." "Look, I just want to have some fun. You know? Dinner, drinks? No strings attached." Susan sneaks a soulful peek at MIKE'S LETTER, which she has stuck to her refrigerator, and agrees to go out with Bill. That'll show him.
It's nighttime, and Gabby walks downstairs to find Carlos making a list of emergency info, so that she knows what to do if the roof leaks or the power goes out or the...garden needs tending, because guess what, he's going to be leaving town, for about eight months. That's right, he's taking the plea bargain! Turns out Gabby's meltdown at the cemetery actually resonated with him (Carlos is a truly nice man), and he's ready to show his respect for Gabby by facing the piper. But he makes her promise to remain faithful in his absence, and he tells her, with not a little menace in his voice, that he's going to hold her to that promise -- I'm guessing that getting pregnant while your husband's in jail is one of the very top hard-to-miss signs of infidelity. And with Carlos swapping out Gabby's birth control pills, she's mighty fertile ground for...gardening.
Andrew's asleep in bed when in come KimberBree and Rex. KimberBree is wearing a silk, grey-sky sweater-set, which makes for a lovely rack indeed. Together, KimberBree and Rex launch into a clearly brochure-influenced speech about how unhappy Andrew has been, how they think he needs to spend some quality time thinking about the goals in his life. Uh oh, looks someone's getting an intervention! On cue, Andrew utters the classic interventionee's "What the hell are you talking about?" Why, Andrew, they're talking about Camp Hennessy! (I love the idea of a reprogramming camp named after a ganster-preferred cordial.) And here are the red-coated Camp Hennessy counselors, ready to strong-arm Andrew off for some quiet, goal-setting time! KimberBree looks absolutely crushed and retreats to the doorway, her back to the room and her hands over her face. Rex, breathless and freaked out, tries to get Andrew to stop struggling. "Wait, wait! Mom, Mom! Wait," Andrew pleads, "please, I'm sorry, Mom! Please!" KimberBree rushes back to Andrew and attempts to comfort him: "It's going to be okay, I promise." And with that, Andrew spits directly into in her face with enough force to blow the hair back from her face. Wow, this scene was truly painful to watch. Andrew was just faking with the "please, please" desperation! He just wanted to lure KimberBree into spitting range! So horrible. Rex rushes in, all, "Why you little...!" like a mouthy mobster from 1933, but KimberBree stops him and takes Andrew's face in her hands and looks into his eyes and tells him, "No matter what you say or do, I will always love you." Man.
And...commercial! Grey's Anatomy, have you seen it? (Yes!) AOL, do you have it? (No.) Et cetera.
When we return from the sell-sell, Rex is sitting at the table, drinking a hot beverage. KimberBree leans in and gives him a warm hug, and thanks him for being there with her for all that Andrew hellishness: "You don't know what it means to me, Rex. It's been a long time since I've felt like I've had a real partner. And it really helps, especially on a horrible morning like this." Rex puts his hands on hers. It's a nice, solid bonding moment, and it's well-earned.
Lynette and the boys are at school, and in comes deaf Alisa with her daughter. Alisa asks to speak to Lynette. They duck into an empty classroom, and Alisa tells Lynette that Dennis left her! Because Lynette told him to! Lynette is a moron! Uh oh. Alisa is very upset and yelling, and Lynette, while getting the general gist of "rage," is having trouble understanding the specifics. So Alisa goes out to the hall and grabs her daughter to make her interpret. Which means that a line such as "Sure we have our share of problems -- financial, emotional, sexual" is delivered via the mouth of an eight year-old girl. At the introduction of the word "sexual," Lynette motions Alisa aside to whisper-ask her if she's sure she wants to be saying those things in front of her daughter. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I concur, Lynette! Maybe Dennis wasn't the only inappropriate sharer in the marriage? Alisa responds to Lynette's suggestion by yelling, "Now you're telling me how to raise my daughter?" Lynette tries to apologize by saying she was just trying to help. "Why, because I'm deaf?" Alisa asks. Lynette: "No, because your husband was being a total jerk!" Alisa stomps off, turning at the last moment to sign/say "Bitch." Lily starts to interpret, but Lynette tells her, "Thank you, I know what she just said." Looks like Lynette has some competition for the "worst parent ever" award. And based on this episode, Alisa has a big lead -- though that may only be because Lynette and her children shared all of six seconds of screen time in tonight's show, so she didn't get a chance to show off her pathologically selfish side. (Meanwhile: kudos on the pink trench, Alisa!)
Susan and Bill are sitting in a restaurant. It looks semi-fancy; the lights are low-ish, there is a fire crackling and twinkly lights twinkling. Bill is wearing a button-up shirt and blazer and...Susan? Susan is drunk. Drunk and talking about Mike. And Mike's letter. She's asking Bill if she should open Mike's letter. First of all, YES, open the letter, oh my god! Second of all, Susan? Stop. Just stop it. Seriously. You're giving women everywhere a bad name. (I've hated this side of Susan from the very first episode, when she went into Edie's house with that lame measuring-cup excuse and kept snooping around even after she saw all the tell-tale clothing strewn on the floor. I'm sorry, it takes an idiot to be there in the first place, but if you're still there even after you see the clothes on the floor, you're a quadruple Lutz idiot.) Bill tries repeatedly to steer Susan off the Mike talk, but she will not be deterred. And then...along comes Edie. She's wearing a sexsexsexy sparkle-white cocktail dress with spaghetti straps. She's carrying a fabulous red clutch -- way to accessorize, for serious. She is looking GOOD as she tells Susan she will hate her forever (for betraying their agreement about not seeing Bill), and then tells Bill that he's fired. Bill: "You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?" "Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough [haha!], save it." And with that, she stalks away, all sexy like a white tiger. With a red purse.
Cut to the car, where Bill and Susan are arguing. And Susan is driving too fast. This a particularly satisfying conversation, so I'm going to include the bulk of it here:
Susan: This is between you and Edie. I just got sucked into the drama.
Bill: Yeah, I bet you tell yourself that all the time.
Susan: What does that mean?
Bill: You didn't get sucked into the drama, you invited it in.
Susan: That's not true!
Bill: You spent the last hour obsessing over your ex boyfriend, even though he's a sketchy ex-con who very possibly strangled your neighbor.
Susan: Well no, he didn't.
Bill: And Edie told you not to go out with me, but did you listen? No! Because you saw the potential for disaster, and you just couldn't resist getting in there.
Susan: Okay Mr. Let's Just Have Fun Because I'm The Charming Casual Contractor Man, you chased me, so own it, my friend...
And with that, the tire -- which Susan never did get fixed after all -- blows, and the car goes into a screeching swerve...off the road...and down...down...into a tree.
Sitting in the dark, to the steaming car, Susan admits to Bill that she guesses she does invite the drama in, just a little. Ah. Finally.
Lynette and GayMatt are lying in bed, watching TV. Lynette wonders aloud if she's a bad person. (Ah. Finally.) "No...why would you say that?" Lynette: "I don't know, I just have it in my head that only bad people break up marriages and offend the handicapped." Matt comforts her for at least trying to help: "You have a strong sense of what is right, and you're not afraid to act on it, and I admire you for that." Lynette: "You know what I admire you for? You find a way to compliment me when you could say 'I told you so.'" Lynette kisses GayMatt, and he signs something to her. "You just signed 'I told you so,' didn't you?" GayMatt: "You'll never prove it." Haha! These two are funnying it up in this episode.
Gabrielle and Smoking, Crying, Guilty Nurse Ruth Ann are sitting in the office of the lurker (lawyer? Hospital...president?), who was listening in when Gabrielle came to the hospital earlier. The nurse can't seem to stop crying, so Creepy asks her to leave the room. Once they're alone, Creepy informs Gabby that the hospital wants to offer her monetary compensation as an extension of the hospital's caring -- just as long as she and her husband agree to waive any future right to litigation. Gabrielle waives and waives.
Parked outside her house, Gabrielle is on the phone with their lawyer. She wants to know if, say, she won $1.6 million playing, say, the lottery, would the government be able to take it, like they took everything else? Yes, it turns out. But if she won the lottery AFTER Carlos went to jail, she could keep the money. And the house. "So," Gabby asks, "what time should I bring Carlos to the DA's office tomorrow?"
Final MAVO montage: "We all honor heroes for different reasons. Sometimes for their daring." We see KimberBree, in a teal sweater and pearls, bringing Rex a bowl of what like some sort of pilaf with a giant sprig of rosemary stabbed in the middle of it. KimberBree kisses Rex, and their daughter Danielle looks pointedly at Andrew's empty chair. I'm not sure what this storyline has to do with being "daring," but since it's late, I am primed and ready to roll with it.
"Sometimes for their bravery." Gabby, who's reading a magazine, looks over at Carlos, who's reading a paper (this is what they do their last day together: read?), and she smiles and squeezes his hand.
"Sometimes for their goodness." Lynette signs "I love you" to GayMatt. Cute!
"But mostly we honor heroes because at one point or another, we all dream of being rescued." Susan walks across the street and slips Mike's UNOPENED letter under his door. Mike picks up the letter and looks forlornly at Susan's retreating, and hot, form. Susan never read the letter! That is completely out of character. Super-snoop Susan leave a tell-all letter unmolested? Never. "Of course, if the right hero doesn't come along, sometimes we just have to rescue ourselves." Susan hugs herself as she walks, alone, back to her house. Somewhere a lonely flute plays. Not on this show, but somewhere.
week: Lives will be shattered, friendships destroyed, and secrets revealed!