By Evany
Edie wants to watch a war movie but Karl wants to watch football, so Edie dons lacy lingerie and flashes Karl a pair of long, silk scarves: sexy semaphore for "bondage time!" Karl scampers off to the bedroom and willingly submits to being tethered to the bed. "Whipped cream!" Edie exclaims, and Karl looks pleased indeed. Cut to: Edie, sitting on the couch, watching her movie, and eating a huge piece of pie piled beyond all sanity with swirls of whipped cream. There's an opening at Lynette's work, and Tom wants it bad. Lynette objects, so Tom goes over her head and applies for the job using a made-up name. Ed (Lynette's boss) loves Tom, and he gets the job! Susan needs an operation. (Remember that "wandering spleen" thing from last week, which I thought Dr. Young made up just to make Susan worry like she'd made him worry? Well, it turns out he didn't make it up.) Dr. Young, who's never removed a spleen before, is slated to cut out Susan's spleen, which makes Susan nervous, seeing as Dr. Young can't even cut steak properly. Susan requests someone more experienced, and Dr. Young gets hurt and also mad. But then they make up!
Bree finds Matthew in Danielle's bedroom and marches him over to Betty's for a scolding. Betty more than complies: she slaps Matthew across the face and then informs Bree that this won't be a problem again, since she and Matthew are moving away. Danielle cries and cries and wails and says lots of bitchy things to Bree. Bree, feeling badly, heads back over to Betty's to see if perhaps some kind of chaperoned Matthew-and-Danielle make-outs can be arranged. But when Bree gets to the Applewrongs' house, she spots Caleb in an upper window. Bree scurries home to call all the Ladies and leave titillating messages, hinting about the scintillating new Betty news. Danielle arranges a meeting with Matthew and tells him that Bree spotted Caleb, and then she gives him this little gift: she tells him about how, not so long ago, Andrew ran over Mama Solis and the Van de Kamps covered it all up. Betty uses the intel to blackmail Bree into staying quiet about Caleb, and then Betty muscles her way into the weekly poker game, making for awkward and silent and strange card-playing indeed. Sister Mary Hotpants is back in town, and she's pushing "annulment" pamphlets on Carlos. Gabby informs (i.e. lies to) her priest that SMH has been sleeping with Carlos, so SMH gets shipped off to Alaska. But before SMH gets the chance to leave town, Gabby stops by the church to gloat, and a howling cat-fight ensues, featuring biting, rolling around on the floor, and fire. After demonstrating this infinite maturity, Gabby tells Carlos that finally, yes, she's ready to have a baby. Everybody pray!
Previouslies: Susan has the hots for her Little Doctor Friend, Danielle has the hots for Matthew, Gabby has it in for Sister Mary Hotpants, and Andrew runs down Mama Solis and Bree covers it up.
MAVO: "If there was one thing Edie Britt understood, it was the nature of war." Edie sits on her couch (nice white-with-black-polka-dot satin halter dress!), eating a huge slab of pie and watching a black and white war movie. Karl walks in and sits down to her, and they exchange a look. MAVO: "After two failed marriages and countless rocky romances, she had learned that love was a battlefield, and the easiest way to survive the carnage was total surrender." Wait, what? Edie Britt? Surrender? I find that hard to believe. But I'm too buttered up by the Pat Benatar reference to put up too much of a fight. Flashback: Edie, in her robe, standing in front of her fully stocked personal bar (oh gag, is that Appletini mix?). Edie waxes romantic about her desire for a trip to Rome. Karl, not looking up from his drink: "Vegas is cheaper." Edie petulantly throws another ice cube into her drink. Flashback two: Edie, holding a pair of Karl's boxers over his head, asks him to put his dirty laundry in the hamper. Karl, again distractedly (he's very busy writing in a tiny little book -- his diary?): "Can you do it, you're standing right there?" Edie crabbily throws his soiled underthing into the laundry basket. Flashback three: Edie tells Karl she has a "hankering for Chinese food," but Karl (staring deep into a glass...paperweight?) informs her that he's "so over rice" and he wants pizza instead. Edie throws the Chinese food menu into the trash. In short, Karl and Edie don't have the greatest communication skills, and also Karl has the attention span of maybe a sparrow. MAVO: "But the day comes for every soldier when she must take a stand and fight." Back in the now, Karl clickers the TV away from Edie's war movie and over to The Game. Edie tells Karl, "I want to watch my movie!" Karl, in the smooth tones of a practiced manipulator: "Edie. This is important to me." Edie tells him "fine," she has "stuff to do anyway," and then she marches into the bedroom. MAVO: "You see, when it came to men, Edie had a battle plan all her own." Edie comes downstairs -- wearing a black bra and panty set with a filmy, short, black, and fur-trimmed overthing. She unfurls two white silk ties and asks Karl if he has "five minutes for Edie?" He smiles wolfishly and races upstairs.
Karl, his shirt off now, comments on the tightness of Edie's tethers. Edie: "Yeah? Well, it's not fun if it's not tight." Karl laughs a delighted laugh, and then Edie suggests whipped cream, and he cackles and tells her she's "so bad." Edie, slipping out the door: "You have no idea."
Downstairs, Edie grabs a can of whipped cream and piles it onto her plate of pie. MAVO: "Yes, Edie Britt understood the nature of war." Edie sits back down on the couch, still wearing her seduction outfit, and changes the TV back to her movie. Upstairs, Karl is no longer laughing. "Edie," he yells crabbily, "it's been ten minutes! Where's the damned whipped cream?" Downstairs, Edie smiles and shovels pie into her face. MAVO: "She also knew that to the victor go the spoils."
MAVO does some babbling about the upstairs room at the Applewrong house, which, apparently, has the very best view of Wisteria Lane. "But unfortunately," MAVO tells us, "for the room's newest guest, the view was about to change...dramatically." Matthew covers our fine, fine view of Wisteria Lane with a sheet of newspaper. Downstairs, Betty comes home to discover Caleb sitting at the foot of the stairs, hugging a pillow. Betty, peeved to find Caleb unshackled yet again, cranks at Matthew for letting him go. Matthew explains that Caleb is going to be staying upstairs now, that the windows have all been papered over (so no one will be able to see Caleb), and Caleb has been schooled about how the newspaper on the windows can't be disturbed. Betty yells that Caleb may understand what he can and can't do, but that'll only last "five minutes, then he forgets!" But...aren't newspapered windows suspicious as is? Especially in a neighborhood packed with busybodies and looky-loos? Matthew: "We can protect him without treating him like an animal!" Betty sternly clarifies that she's protecting Caleb. Matthew puts his foot down: "He is NOT going back downstairs!" Betty, quietly: "Since when do you talk to me like that?" Matthew: "Since I share in the risk." And like a tick, the ominous music swells!
Gabby and Carlos are at church. I'm liking the side part, Gabs -- so much better than the anemic Farrah you've been trying so hard to rock lo these past many weeks. The lady sitting on the pew in front of them has a baby over her shoulder, and Gabby and Carlos are both smiling and cooing at the baby. Carlos: "She's adorable, isn't she?" Gabby, catching herself enjoying the baby, straightens up and says curtly, "She's okay." Carlos: "Ours would be gorgeous..." "Babies, babies, babies," Gabby snaps at him, "you sound like a broken record." Gabby invokes the miscarriage, and tells Carlos she needs time before she'll be ready to try again. Carlos: "Any idea when you'll be ready, you know, ballpark?" Gabby advises him to "enjoy the here and now": yes, their "marriage is back on track, life is good." Uh oh. Gabby has just paved the way for some serious derailing, what with that fate-tempting comment. And here it comes! Father Crowley announces that Sister Mary Hotpants is back from her African sojourn. (Wow, that two-month trip of hers really went by in a flash.) SMH comes up to the pulpit and Gabby yells (in church!), "Son of a bitch!" The congregation turns to stare at Gabby, and Gabby turns around and shushes the cute old lady sitting behind her. Carlos, mortified by Gabby's attempt to blame the blasphemous outburst on someone else, looks away, all embarrassed. Gabby is totally going to hell.
Bree comes home and spies a backpack sitting at the foot of the stairs. Annoyed, Bree grabs the offending item and marches it up to Danielle's room. Come on, you remember Danielle? Bree's daughter? I know it's been awhile since you've seen her, which is odd, because it isn't like she got sent away to Camp Cognac or anything, she's just been...gone. Wait a second! How long has it been since we've spotted Danielle and Andrew in the same scene? Is it possible that Andrew and Danielle are in fact now the same person? Certainly the pattern is eerily similar: two episodes ago, Bree walked in on Andrew and Justin, and now the same exact thing happens with Danielle. Bree knocks on her daughter's door, and inside Danielle (who's down to just her bra) and Matthew scramble to get dressed. Danielle yells out to Bree that she's "doing homework," which Bree has a hard time believing seeing as she's holding all of Danielle's school books right there in the backpack. Danielle, her shirt now buttoned, opens her door and takes the backpack, explaining to Bree that she was "just doing a little research online." Matthew is nowhere in sight. Bree walks in and starts picking Danielle's clothes up off the ground. Danielle frantically tries to dissuade her. Bree: "Honey! Stop complaining. One day you'll wish that someone were offering to do your laundry." Bree goes to pick up a shirt that's crumpled at the foot of the bed and Matthew, who's hidden under the bed, makes a grab at the shirt. Bree, with uber-primness: "Danielle? Question: Is there a black man hiding under your bed?"
A knock sounds on Betty's door. Look who's here! It's Bree, with a mortified-looking Danielle and Matthew in tow. Bree indignantly tells Betty about how she found Matthew in bed with her daughter. Without missing a beat, Betty SLAPS Matthew across the face and orders him inside. Danielle and Bree stand there, slack-jawed. Betty: "I apologize for my son's behavior. It won't happen again. I put the house up for sale, and we're moving." With that, Betty heads back inside. Danielle = sad!
It's late-late at night, and Lynette's struggling to come up with a pitch for the "Black's Frozen Yogurt campaign." (The first time through this scene, I imagined the apostrophe in a different spot -- "the blacks' frozen yogurt" -- and I was truly alarmed: frozen yogurt, targeted at African-Americans? Whom Lynette is referring to as "the blacks"? That...doesn't sound...right.) Tom comes in and asks how it's going, and Lynette sighs hugely and looks at her watch: "Here we are at T-minus nine hours and eleven minutes from the biggest pitch in our company's history, and I have nothing even vaguely presentable." She holds up two mock-ups. One is decorated with little stars, and it reads "Black's Frozen Yogurt: Taste that's out of this world." The other one has a polar bear, and its tagline is "Get frozen with BLACK'S." Kudos to the set-design people, or whoever it was, for coming up with such perfectly "meh" taglines! Tom starts brewing some coffee and asks Lynette if she wants to run some ideas past him. Lynette nicely tries to send him to bed, in deference to how "exhausted" he must be. Tom: "C'mon, honey. Let's do this. Let's nail this sucker. What do we got?" Frustrated Lynette waves her hands over her stack of mediocre pitches and says, "We've got? Nothing." Tom spreads his arms wide and starts free-styling: "Black's Frozen Yogurt...let your taste buds come in from the cold." Lynette shrugs. Tom: "I'm just knocking the rust off. I can do better." And then Tom starts some sort of weird rapping: "Black's...the fro-YO that makes you go 'whoa.'" Lynette laughs. Tom: "Okay...'Black's Frozen Yogurt, because our cows are better.' Or! Or! Or! 'Frogurt! It's fun to eat, it's fun to say'..." Lynette perks up: "That's actually good." Tom: "Really?" Evany: "Really?" Lynette: "The cow part, that could work. We'll make them into characters. We'll...humanize them. OH! I know! Celebrity. Cow. Spokespeople!" Which, A) not a good idea and B) has nothing whatsoever to do with what Tom suggested. But okay. Tom and Lynette high-five, and Tom puts his feet up on the table, leans back, and lies: "Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking! Like, you know, make them into famous characters...like Reverend Moo-ny." Lynette gives him a "nice try" look, and the background music wah-wahs. Tom: "They can't all be gems." Lynette rubs her eye out of fatigue and/or an inability to look her husband in the eye.
Susan and her Little Doctor Friend, nee "Dr. Young" (handle changed due to much reported confusion vis-à-vis Wisteria Lane's preexisting Young family), walk up to her door after a mutually satisfying third date. Susan tries and tries to get him to come inside (Julie's out of town! A bottle of wine's chilling in the fridge!), but Little Doctor Friend isn't biting...rather, he just pecks her on the lips for .seconds and then flees. Susan, calling out to his retreating form: "Do I just repulse you?" Little Doctor Friend hastens to explain that while he's "like, inches away from ripping off all [Susan's] clothes" (Susan: "And you're stopping yourself why?"), it's unethical for him to french her while he's still her doctor. He turns to leave once more. But then! Little Doctor Friend turns back: "Oh, what the hell." He grabs Susan's face and plants one on her. Susan: "Okay, that sort of felt unethical." She giggles, he coughs, and then he leaves for reals this time. Susan flaps her hands in front of her face, indicating the intensity of the heat of the moment.
Carlos gets into Sister Mary Hotpants's car (not a metaphor). Carlos, sheepishly: "I'd have invited you into the house, but the place is a real pigsty." SMH: "Carlos, I'm a nun, not a moron. I know Gabrielle despises me." Carlos, his eyes downcast all "aw shucks," explains that Gabby is "just jealous." SMH pretends to be confused by this news. Carlos: "She refuses to believe I can connect with anyone on a spiritual level." SMH concedes that they do indeed share an "amazing connection," which is why the other day she could totally tell, even from all the way across church, that Carlos is not happy. Carlos sighs and admits that maybe he has "been a little down lately," and SMH leans in eagerly. Carlos says it's the "whole having kids thing," regarding how he "wants them, so bad." SMH, looking smug: "But Gabrielle still refuses to give them to you?" Carlos mentions the miscarriage, but SMH wonders if it's "just a stall tactic" of Gabby's, and maybe Gabby has no intention of having children? Carlos, laughing a little self-sorry laugh: "Well, then I'm screwed." He apologizes (for saying "screwed" in front of a nun), but SMH agrees with him: "No, you're right. You're screwed." And she puts an extra-steely emphasis on the "screwed." Then she drops a little open-ended "unless..." bomb, and Carlos eagerly asks, "Unless what?!" She reaches over to her glove box and pulls out a pamphlet. It's the "American Catholic's Guide to Annulment"! There's some more text on the front of the pamphlet, but the only words I can make out are "in the beginning," which are plausible "annulment pamphlet" words, meaning the set-design people didn't just Greek in text, they actually created a bona fide pamphlet for this scene! (Between this and Lynette's yogurt campaign, the collateral materials in this episode? Superb!) SMH looks on nervously as Carlos skims the pamphlet, as though she's wondering if she's finally gone too far? But no: Carlos isn't angry, he's confused. He asks her what she means by giving him this pamphlet. Oh, SMH is just saying that "God helps those who help themselves."
Lynette's at the office, and she's wearing a flirty split skirt that flashes a nice bit of leg. She's on the phone with Tom, smiling big. Apparently they got the frogurt account! "The talking cows," she tells him, "rocked [the client's] world." Wait, talking cows? That's a total steal from the Real California Cheese commercials! Which aren't all that good in the first place! Though maybe it's too much for me to expect the DH scriptwriters to come up with a campaign that's both original and good just for the purposes of this episode. Okay, fine. Tom is super-excited by the news of the yay on the pitch, and he asks Lynette if they were into his "President Bull Clinton" suggestion? Lynette, lying: "Ahh...I rewrote some of the stuff we worked on, but essentially it's the same, and they ate it up!" Lynette has more good news: boss Ed has given the green light on the hiring of another "executive." I guess they have some money left after paying off Stu's sexy harassment suit? Tom: "Terrific! Tell me: did they like the promotional plan sponsoring the cow-tipping contest?" Lynette says something about that (bad, bad idea) getting cut from the pitch due to time constraints. But Tom is not daunted: "I'm just happy they loved my idea." Lynette -- not at all sure that this was Tom's idea (and it really wasn't) -- tries to counter his claim of ownership: "Well, to be fair--" But he cuts her off: "Did they like the Hugh Hefner and the Playcows?" Wow. Now that? Is a good idea! No, wait...it's udderly fantastic! Way to milk it, Tom! Moo-hoo! [Evany puts hand up for a high-five, but entire reading audience looks away and leaves her hanging. Slowly her five-less hand melts back down to her side. She retreats to a corner, where she dries up her lonely tears with a plateful of cookies. And…scene.] Lynette avoids having to address the "Playcows" by pretending that she's being beckoned into a meeting -- "Gottagoluvyabye!" -- and hangs up. Tom puts down the phone and punches the air with a little "Yeah!" Hm. I think Tom is perhaps not the best listener.
Susan is at Little Doctor Friend's office, and they're looking at x-rays of her wandering spleen. (Remember how last week I thought Little Doctor Friend made up the "Wandering Spleen" ailment just to make Susan worry, in revenge for his night spent fretting over her made-up symptoms? Well, clearly I was wrong. And I'm sorry.) It appears that Susan's spleen has wandered over to hang out with her liver, and the whole hospital thinks she needs to have it "removed immediately." Susan: "Oh, okay. I guess you guys probably have all sorts of new, exciting techniques where you don't even cut open the body?" Little Doctor Friend: "No, not really!" Susan, looking worried, tries gamely to talk herself into the idea of surgery: "I guess I can handle that...people get cut open every day!" Little Doctor Friend asks her if she's cool with him doing the operating, seeing as he's familiar with her case, et cetera. (So much for the whole "ethical" debate.) Susan sighs and leans back on the exam table, and Little Doctor Friend asks her what's wrong? Susan: "The first time you'll see me naked, I'll be on an operating table." Little Doctor Friend: "Well, I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman, my eyes will be strictly on the spleen." A nurse comes in, and Little Doctor Friend tells her to schedule Susan for a "splenectomy," which, much like a "wandering spleen," sounds mega made-up to me, and yet isn't (I checked). When the nurse realizes that Little Doctor Friend will be conducting the surgery, her face lights up like a Marlboro Man. "Awwwww, congratulations!" says the nurse. Little Doctor Friend leaves to take care of another patient, and the second he clears the room, Susan grills the nurse about why the insane glee over the splenectomy? Nurse Totally Unethical: "Oh, the spleen surgery. It'll be his first!" This nurse, it seems, is suffering from a serious blabber problem. Also, what is Little Doctor Friend, an intern? A surgeon? Who also makes house calls? To which I say: Is there a doctor in the house? Because I think I've fractured my "whatever" bone.
Gabby is at home, wearing one of her sweat suits and eating grapes. Carlos walks in and launches into a speech about how he's willing to wait as long as it takes for Gabby to get over the miscarriage and crave babies again. But. He needs to know that this "isn't a maybe." He "wants a promise" that they will, for sure, one day have children. But Gabby isn't promising anything: "I can't say that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and suddenly want to do something that I swore my entire life I would never do. 'Maybe' is a very big step for me!" But it "isn't big enough" for Carlos. Gabby hangs tuff and reminds him that he can't really do anything about her and her "maybe." Carlos: "That isn't necessarily true." He tosses down the "American Catholic's Guide to Annulment" gauntlet. Gabby, who immediately comprehends what's going on: "That conniving little bitch put you up to this, didn't she!" Carlos tells Gabby she can stop the fight right here by simply making the promise. Gabby: "The only promise I'm making you is that this is so not over." Gabby throws the pamphlet at Carlos and stomps away.
Tom is doing the dishes when in walks Lynette. He asks her about the job search, but it isn't going well. The "pickings are slim" and all of Lynette's "top choices" are occupied elsewhere. Lynette asks Tom if he can recommend anyone from his old office, and he can! Someone by the name of Tom? Tom Scavo? Lynette -- who for some insane reason is surprised by this turn of events (all of his "COW-abunga" enthusiasm, plus last week's confession that he was unhappy as the non-bread-winner?) -- laughs and says, "No, no, no!" She "does not think that that is a good idea!" Tom tells her that getting the "juices flowing" the other night reminded him how much he "missed having a real job." Lynette: "You have a real job. Right here, staying home with the kids." Tom: "With two incomes, we could afford a top-notch nanny." Lynette reminds him about the baby girl P, and he reminds her of the office day care that Lynette fought so hard for. Lynette worries about them working together and living together. Tom: "Why? The last time that we worked together, we fell in love." He kisses her sweetly. If he doesn't have the creative skills, he does, at least, know how to pitch. (And really, at every agency I know of, "account executives" don't have to be creative at all -- that's what the "creative director" is for -- so I'm not at all sure why it was Lynette's job to come up with new creative for the yogurt campaign, though maybe the agency is so small, everyone "wears many hats"? I don't know!) Lynette, desperate now, stutters: "It's just...I'm...I'm not sure that you would [find] this job that satisfying." Tom, mad and sad now: "You don't think I'm good enough, do you?" And really, this issue goes all the way back to Lynette's drug days (when she out-wowed one of his clients over dinner). A P comes downstairs: he needs help finding his toothbrush. Lynette offers to take care of it, but Tom jumps all over her offer with an "I GOT IT." Tom and P go upstairs. P asks Tom, "Who won the fight?" Tom: "We weren't fighting, Mommy was just letting Daddy know where he stands." Lynette, tossing back a glass of wine, yells upstairs after them: "Oh...hey? Hey?"
Ed and Lynette are conducting interviews down at the office. Ed tells one candidate that "we'll be in touch." After the guy leaves, Lynette reveals that she "wasn't blown away" by him. "I know the pickings are slim," says Ed (again with the slim pickings), "but we can't hold out much longer, we need to hire someone this week." Up : "Tom Cavos." Lynette looks out at reception and spots her Tom at the front desk. She purses her lips and asks Ed to excuse her, and she goes and pulls Tom into a conference room. Lynette: "Tom Cavos?" Tom, brightly: "It's an anagram. Deceptively simple, don't you think?" Deceptively simple is right: is it possible that Tom is actually a moron? Lynette does some grilling, and Tom explains that he's "going over [Lynette's] head" because maybe Ed will give him more of a chance, since, "you know, he's not constantly competing" with Tom. Lynette: "You want the truth, Tom? I think you're good. You have moments of brilliance. But I also think sometimes, you coast. And I think if I were your boss, and had to ride your ass every day, you would come home seething with resentment. Come on! It's hard enough keeping a marriage together." Tom: "If you're at all concerned about saving our marriage, you better let me take my shot." He tells Lynette that "little part" of him has been hating her ever since she screwed up his big promotion. Tom: "But I can let it all go if you give me this one thing." So Lynette agrees to let Tom's "résumé speak for itself."
In with Ed, things are going, you guessed it: supremely well! Ed is a big fan of one of Tom's old campaigns. Ed even goes so far as to quote the commercial: "Do not eat the cheese, the cheese is evil!" he says in a little rat voice. High fives are exchanged. Lynette smiles painfully and then starts pointing out holes in Tom's résumé, asking him why he left the date range off of one of his jobs. Well, because, you see, he was only there five months. And why did he leave? Because he was fired! But that, Tom explains to Ed, was only because they didn't get Tom's sense of humor. In fact, he tried to pitch the "cheese is evil" campaign there first, but they hated it. Ed: "Idiots! Well, their loss, right?" Ed is kind of awesomely brainless. Ed asks Tom about the Clio he won. Lynette: "Did you do that solo?" Tom: "Actually, no. My wife helped me on that one. She's in advertising too. But if you were to ask her, I'm sure she'd say that she did the whole thing all by herself." Lynette laughs through clenched teeth. Ed: "Credit hog, huh? I know the type!" Ed tells Tom how much he likes him, how he's totally-there guy. Lynette jumps in and says something about checking Tom's references before they make anything official. Ed delivers a final "cheese is evil" sound-bite, and then makes his exit, leaving Tom and Lynette to exchange a feisty little "game on" kind of look.
At church. Gabby goes into the confession booth to see Father Crowley. "How long has it been since your last confession?" he asks. Gabby, scoffing: "Who cares?" She IDs herself and then tells him that he needs to get rid of Sister Mary Hotpants because the nun is sabotaging Gabby's marriage. Gabby: "First it started with the love letters while he was in prison. And the thing I know, they're spending day and night together. Sneaking off to 'private bible study' and 'one-on-one spiritual consultation.' And if that isn't enough, he is saying her name in his sleep: 'Hold me, Sister Mary. Hold me.' It's disgusting. He's like a lovesick puppy." Father Crowley asks her if she really believes that Carlos and SMH are "having sex." Gabby hesitates. Crowley: "Speak from the heart, Gabrielle. This is just between me, you, and God." Gabby casts a look heavenward and then lies through her perfect little teeth: "Yeah. Yep. They're having sex. Carlos confessed everything. Right before he asked for an annulment." The good Father is totally scandalized, and he slams down the little door between their booths and walks out of the confessional. Gabby leaves, too, but then she spies a different priest heading into the confessional. So she, too, goes back in. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," she says in a super-bored voice. The new priest asks her how longs its been. Gabby: "Mom, not that long ago...look, I sort of told a fib. So! How many Hail Marys is that going to set me back?" Work it, Gabby.
Danielle is in her room, bawling. Bree walks in and Danielle tells her to scram, but Bree sits down anyway and tries to explain how the whole "hot, hot, so hot make-out buddy is now moving away" thing isn't Bree's fault. Danielle: "Oh please, you knew something bad would happen. You wanted all this to blow up in my face...because you're jealous that my life's just getting started and yours is over!" Wow, Danielle is not so nice! Bree tries to reason with her, but Danielle, who is a very messy crier (like mother, like daughter!), is completely inconsolable and also evil: "Daddy's dead. You drove your boyfriend to suicide. You're getting older by the minute. And soon you'll be so dried up and bitter that no man will ever want to touch you ever again." Bree looks suitably horrified, and yet the soulless sludge just keeps pouring from betwixt Danielle's trembling lips: "Now you're determined to ruin my life so I have to stay with you here to keep you company while you turn into an old fossil." Bree, desperate: "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy!" Danielle: Omen II commands, "Don't just want it. Make it happen." Why is Bree, who's so pro-spanking, not putting Danielle over her knee? Do we need to get Betty in here? Holding her stomach, Bree gets up to leave, and Danielle dives back down onto her bed and resumes sobbing, Nellie Oleson-style. But then? Bree pops back in and somewhat surreally says to Danielle, "I don't feel much like cooking tonight. I'm thinking of ordering a pizza." Danielle: "I want Canadian bacon. Please." Bree: "All right." What the hell was that little pizza play? Confusing, weird.
Caleb is eating at the table and Betty is washing the dishes when in walks Matthew. Glaring and silent, he heads directly upstairs. Somewhat thrilled, Caleb tattles to Betty that Matthew is mad at her for hitting him. Betty confesses that she "feels bad about that." Caleb: "It's a shame he can't see that girl. She's so pretty." You know, I still can't tell if Caleb is dim and creepy, or just dim. Betty comes over and touches Caleb's shoulder: "You know I don't want you thinking about things like that." Caleb apologizes, and Betty shoos him on up to his room. Betty: "And Caleb? If I ever catch you looking at that Van de Kamp girl, I'll hit you twice as hard as I hit your brother. And I won't feel bad about it. 'Kay?" Oh...kay.
Over at Susan's, Little Doctor Friend is sawing and sawing away at a steak. Everything looks very nice: the table is laid with candles and flowers, Susan is wearing a silky white top with a pretty double-looped necklace, and LDF has a blazer on, so I'm thinking that this is their "And Tonight We Sleep Together, Finally" date. Susan, looking nervously at LDF's knife work, asks him how he feels about her looming splenectomy: "You're going to be...hacking into me, and I just wanted to make sure that you feel ready." LDF tries to brush off her concern by telling her that, while he's never actually removed a spleen, he has removed plenty of other non-essential organs: "Spleen, gallbladder, it's all the same." Susan: "Okay, red flag! See, I didn't go to medical school, but I'm thinking? Not all the same." He keeps sawing at the steak and asks her to just "trust" him. Susan: "I would like to? But I gotta be honest, the fact that you can't even cut that steak isn't helping." Frustrated, LDF blames his steak impotence on Susan's overcooking. "And frankly," he says, throwing down his silverware, "it's not the freshest meat." Susan: "Well, neither am I! I've got thirty-five years on that cow." Ha! (Though I'd say she has a few more than thirty-five...but maybe she's subtracting the average age of a steak cow from her actual age, which I think is more like thirty-eight?) LDF: "Are you saying you don't want me to be your surgeon?" Susan finally manages to confess that yes, she "would be more comfortable with an experienced surgeon." LDF takes this news with mature aplomb...for about five seconds. Then he bolts for the door. And once again, we find Susan running out of her house, trying to catch up with a man who's busy making a quick retreat (which she seems to be her modus operandi). LDF tells her that while he understands her issues, she needs to understand that his "feelings are hurt." Susan: "What? You want me to put my life on the line to service your ego?" LDF, with much attitude, tells her, "I save lives every day. I cut. I save. I cut, I save. That's what I do. And if that gives me an out-of-control ego, well maybe I need that, to cut into another human being." He slams his car door and drives off. I think that went really well.
Tom's at the table, reading the paper, when Lynette comes home. It's late, and they both look really tired. Tom sort of emotionlessly informs her that her dinner's waiting for her, and then he asks her if she managed to check all his references. Lynette, who sounds kind of choked up here: "I told Ed that you were my husband, and he was cool with that. He really wants to hire you. So who am I to stand in the way?" So Tom has the job, but Lynette has "one condition": Tom can never, ever bring up Lynette's act of promotion sabotage again. Lynette: "I need a solemn vow that you will never throw that in my face ever again, because if you do, you will unleash demons that you do not want to meet." Lynette is pretty much crying now. Tom tells her that he gets it. Lynette: "And what I really need from you is to be forgiven." Tom: "Actually, I already had." Lynette takes a deep breath, and Tom pours her a glass of wine and Lynette starts eating her dinner. She swallows and tells him, "This dinner is really good." Tom thanks her and gets up and gives her a small kiss, and then he thanks her again. Awww, I just got all choked up, too! What a nice, heartwarming scene.
So of course Caleb tears the newspaper off his window, and through the freshly exposed glass we see Bree walking over to the Applewrongs' house. Betty's out front, checking the mail, so Bree launches right in: she wants to talk about what happened with Danielle and Matthew. Betty reiterates that she and her son are moving away, so it's no longer a problem. But Bree, freshly swayed by Danielle's tears of power and manipulation, tells Betty that if they try to keep the kids apart, Danielle and Matthew are only going to try all the harder to get together, as is the wont of teens. Betty: "I'll make a deal with you. If you control yours, I'll control mine." Bree laughs uncomfortably, then suggests, "How about some old-fashioned chaperoning? That way they can still see each other, and we won't have to be the villains." Betty says something about how she's not afraid to be a villain when her son's at stake, but Bree isn't listening because she's totally just spotted Caleb looking out at her from the Applewrongs' upstairs window! Bree rather abruptly mentions that she has some "muffins in the oven," then scuttles off down the street, leaving Betty just standing there, looking puzzled.
Cut to Bree, sitting in a room (shed?) filled with piles and piles of newspapers, which somehow seems out of character. Bree doesn't strike me as a compulsive hoarder. Nonetheless, the crazy-person archive comes in handy: Bree unearths the article about the nameless man found breaking into cars along Wisteria Lane. Inside, Bree makes a beeline for the phone. Danielle asks what's wrong, and Bree -- while dialing the phone -- tells Danielle that she's not allowed to go over to the Applewrongs' house ever again, because the man who broke into Gabrielle's and then escaped from the mental hospital is living at their house! Bree's focus returns to the phone just in time to leave an ominous message on Lynette's machine about how there's "big news about the Applewhites," which Bree's going to spill at tonight's poker game. So let me just get this straight: Bree spots the escaped mental patient who caused Gabby's miscarriage, and she phones not the police, but Lynette? Detective Barton, who was more than willing to help with the Applewrong investigation at the end of last episode, seems like a much more likely, and smart, person to call. Oh, Bree.
Cut to Carlos, who is also on the phone. But he's not talking to Bree! (Yet another theme-y juxtaposition that at first glance seems meaningful but really isn't.) Gabby comes downstairs and asks the crestfallen Carlos, "Who was that?" It was Sister Mary Hotpants, calling to report that she's been relocated to Alaska! Gabby, nervously: "You're kidding me, why?" But apparently SMH doesn't know, the "diocese wouldn't even give her a reason." Gabby: "Bah! Vatican politics." Gabby sends Carlos -- who thinks he's "coming down with a migraine" -- up to bed, and then she pulls out the annulments pamphlet and frowns at it.
Susan's hanging out in the waiting room at the hospital. Finally Little Doctor Friend comes in and Susan informs him that they "need to talk." He's all distracted because he just got out of surgery, but Susan, who is super-annoyed, informs him that she's been waiting for three hours. So he comes over and sits down, and Susan launches into a speech which clearly she's been rehearsing in her head throughout her entire three-hour wait. She tells him about how, after he "stormed out" the other night, she started second-guessing herself. Susan: "I started to think, gee, you know, maybe I should just ignore my better interests and I should let Dr. Ron gut me like a fish." Little Doctor Friend tries to break in, but Susan is on a tear: "I mean why not? 'Cause all my life I have jumped through hoops to keep men from leaving, but I'm not doing it anymore, so...tough luck, pally. You just missed out on a good thing!" Susan punctuates the end of her diatribe with an embarrassing little air Zorro snap that's very "mom tries to make cool," and then she goes to leave. But LDF stops her and lets her in on a little secret: two hours ago, "flowers, champagne, and an apology note" were delivered to her house, only she missed them since she was stewing here at the hospital. LDF apologizes for putting their "relationship at risk," and then he gets SUPER-mushy: "I haven't felt this way about somebody in a long time. [He takes her hand.] Susan, I really like you. And because of that, I can't be your doctor. Let alone your surgeon." Duh. "I'll hate myself," he goes on, "if I lose you." Wow. He's mature! And so nice! If only they had better chemistry. Weird tinkling cradle music starts up, and Susan totally forgives him, and then she, in turn, apologizes for the "snap thing." As well she should.
Matthew walks up to the neighborhood gazebo and Danielle's there, waiting for him. Flirtily she asks him if he's "hiding someone" in his house? She hands him Bree's old newspaper and explains how her mom saw someone at the Applewrongs' house, and how she's convinced the person they're hiding is the guy who broke into the Solis's house. Matthew, upset: "Damn it, Caleb!" Danielle eagerly asks, "Is that his name?" Matthew asks if Bree told anyone, but apparently all she did was "leave messages on her friends' machines," but they won't "get details" until they come over for Poker Night later. Oh, Bree, you didn't even spill one bean? That was dumb! Matthew, frantic, starts muttering about how they're going to have to leave town tonight. Danielle: "If you trust me, I could help you. My family has secrets, too." Matthew explains that what his "brother did...it's bad." Danielle, eagerly and also sex-kittenishly: "Last year, my brother did something really awful, and my parents covered it up for him. If anyone were to find out, Andrew and my mom could go to jail." Oooooh, Danielle! She gets all up close to Matthew and pleads with him to tell her his secrets, and promises that she'll "understand." Matthew: "Okay. But you tell me yours first." Danielle's lack of family loyalty is kind of shocking, and yet from what I remember of teenaged girl-dom, maintaining proximity to the cute crush-boy is often the very most important thing in life. Oh, those crazy teens!
And now for the bitch fight! Here's how it starts: Gabrielle struts into church wearing the most amazing, form-fitting fuchsia pants ever. She is also wearing a ruffled turquoise tuxedo top, a turquoise-and-fuchsia patterned sash-belt, and pointy metallic shoes. It is the outfit of someone who's come to gloat. And/or perform magic tricks. Sister Mary Hotpants is manically Cinderella-ing the floor with a scrub brush. Gabby, all patronizing, tries to pretend that though they have had their "differences," that doesn't mean that Gabby wanted SMH "shipped off to Alaska." They stare at each other a few seconds, and then Gabby cattily purrs, "Brrrrr." SMH finally gets it: Gabby "had something to do" with the Alaska transfer! Gabby: "Me? Oh, I'm just a humble sinner. You're the one with all the power around here, all the...annulment mojo." SMH stands up and removes her apron menacingly. Her Alaskan exile, she tells Gabby, isn't going to keep Gabby and Carlos together. SMH: "The problems in your marriage aren't going away." Gabby: "Maybe not, but you certainly are." And then Gabby delivers one, last parting zinger: "You missed a spot." (Regarding SMH's floor-scrubbing.) Gabby walks jauntily off, but she stops cold when SMH beans her with a scrub brush. Gabby squeals in shock, and then she gets mad. "That was a mistake," she growls, and then she stomps her signature model stomp right up to the sister and slaps her hard across the face. Gabby: "There. I think we're all done here." Gabby goes to leave again, but nuh-uh! SMH leans out and grabs the back Gabby's hair and spins her around. Gabby screams and whacks SMH with her purse again and again and again. A gaggle of Catholic school children come a-running to see what's causing the commotion. The two women split apart, and then Gabby throws down her purse, like "oh, it is ON!" They run at each other again, and SMH gets pushed back into a row of votive candles and her arm catches on fire. Gabby yells "oh my god, oh my god," then rips down a "Jesus Saves" banner and uses it to tamp out the flames. After the fire's out, Gabby -- with, I think, genuine concern -- asks SMH if she's okay. And SMH? Bites Gabby's arm! So the fight starts afresh -- ooooh, a bitch fight with a fake-out ending, hurrah! -- and the school kids stare and stare as Gabby and SMH tumble and roll around on the floor. Finally a priest comes running in and tries to break things up, and the scene ends with the priest holding the two women apart as they continue struggling to try and get a piece of each other.
Gabby pulls up at home, and her hair is "girl-fight" mussed. Carlos is right out front waiting for her. "What the hell were you thinking?" He demands. Gabby: "It depends, what have you heard." The church called Carlos and told him that Gabby attacked Sister Mary? Gabby: "Yeah! That's about right." Ha. Anyway, it seems Gabby's been doing some thinking on her ride home from church, and she realizes now that the ass she should have been kicking belongs to Carlos. Gabby: "Sister Mary manipulated you into threatening me, but you're the idiot who fell for it." Carlos tries to make like there's a distinction between "threatening" and "asking for a promise," but Gabby's not buying. Gabby: "You made me a promise, Carlos, a long time ago, 'till death do us part.' And one day you just come home and start throwing words around, like 'annulment.'" Carlos apologizes, and then he does some pacing and some back-of-the-neck rubbing, and then he declares, "I need to have a child." Gabby: "And I need to know I'm the woman you what to spend the rest of your life with, not just some uterus in high heels." Let us pause for a moment, while I try to scrub the mental image of a stiletto-shod uterus out of my mind. Okay, I'm okay. Gabby again: "Carlos, I am sorry, I am not going to be blackmailed into giving birth. You have to choose. And I wish you would do it so I can move on with my life." Carlos gazes upon her for a long while, and then finally (and sort of sweetly) he tells her, "Of course I choose you." Gabby heaves a relieved sigh and tells him she thinks he made the "right decision." Because guess what, everybody? Gabby has already decided that she's ready for a baby! Maybe it was when she was beating Sister Mary over the head with her sparkly purse, or maybe it was when the two of them were rolling around on the floor of the church, kicking and screaming. But somewhere in there, Gabby realized that she's totally mature enough to reproduce! Carlos smiles, and the music sweetens to a feverish pitch.
Bree's setting up for poker when the doorbell rings. She answers the door and is visibly surprised to find Betty standing there. Bree tries to put Betty off, claiming that "now is actually not a good time." "I think it is," Betty says. "I wanted to chat with you before you did something foolish." She breezes right past Bree into the house. Inside, Betty confesses that the man Bree saw in the window is her son, and that he "didn't harm Gabrielle," nor did he "hurt the man in the car trunk." He's also "slow, and sometimes he makes mistakes." Bree points out that the police are after him, and that he escaped from that "facility." Betty: "He had help, trust me. I've always thought that the maternal instinct is one of nature's most amazing gifts, I mean, the lengths that some mothers will go to to protect their children. It drives ordinary women to do extraordinary things. Women like me, Bree, and like you." Bree, scared now, asks Betty, "What are you talking about?" And then Betty drops the hammer: "If you breathe one word of Caleb's existence to anyone, I will tell Carlos, Gabrielle, and the police that it was your son driving the car that killed Juanita Solis, and that you have been covering up his crime ever since." Bree's face gets all scared and sad, but Betty isn't letting up: "We're going to be great friends, Bree. We have so much in common!" Betty, so sinister!
The doorbell rings. It's a hectic moment, with Betty standing and staring all crazy, and Bree pretty much incapable of breathing, and the music trill-ill-illing. But finally Bree goes over and lets in Susan, Edie, Lynette, and Gabby. As they walk in, Edie says, "So, what's the scoop on the Applewhites?" Bree looks like she's going to faint with the awfulness of the moment, but then she rallies. In perfect, perky Bree fashion, she spins up a story: "Perhaps I got more excited than I should have, but I recently found out that Betty Applewhite is quite the poker player. And sooooo, I have invited her to join our weekly game." Just then Betty walks out carrying a platter of crazy space crudité. She makes a saucy little comment about hoping that they all "brought their checkbooks" because she sure is "feeling lucky!" Much like a mess of teens who suddenly discover that a mom is crashing the kegger, the ladies look totally chagrined.
MAVO: "Everyone understands the nature of war." Oh right, I remember. Wayyy back at the beginning: something about Edie, whipped cream, war, et cetera? MAVO: "We also understand that victory depends on the cards we have been dealt." All the ladies are sitting around the poker table, and Betty raises. MAVO: "Some, when faced with a bloody battle, simply give in." Gabby, Susan, Edie, and Lynette all fold. MAVO: "But for some, surrender is unacceptable..." Betty stares down Bree, who's still holding her cards. "So, Bree," Betty challenges, "what are you going to do?" MAVO: "...even though they know it will be a fight..." Bree moves a huge pile of chips into the pot and fixes Betty in her ice-princess stare. And then, after much dramatic pausing, MAVO finally finishes the sentence: "...to the death." Ei! Ei! Ei!
Up : Bree pays Caleb a visit. And Susan, I don't know, gets married or something.