By Evany
Bree gets drunk (surprise!) and Andrew gets sassy (surprise!), and the combo earns Andrew a nice, juicy slap across the face. Taking a page from Dirty Harry, Andrew talks Justin into punching him across the face, and then he takes his demonstrably bruised mug to a lawyer and requests emancipated minor status (which will, not-at-all-coincidentally, give him early access to his trust fund). The lawyer agrees that the Van de Kamp home is indeed not the healthiest of living environments, and a court date is set for a few weeks hence. To prepare for the looming legal battle, Bree creates the illusion of a woman on the mend by joining AA and pouring out all her booze...all but the hidden stash of wine, which she sets aside for depressing, late-night solo guzzle sessions. With high hopes of adopting a baby, Gabby and Carlos manufacture a "we'd make perfect parents" portfolio by taking lots of staged photos of them romping lovingly with Lynette's kids, but it's all for naught: turns out Helen (John the Gardener's mother) works at the adoption agency, and she's still just a shade peeved that Gabby "raped" her son. Blackballed by all the legit agencies, the Solises turn to a shady adoption lawyer, who -- with the motivation of a twenty-thousand-dollar check -- promises to do whatever it takes. Noah's sullied Detective Sullivan sets up CreePaul with a van full of orange-suited, knife-endowed prisoners. But CreePaul scuttles the assassination plan by fighting back with unexpected ferociousness, and he manages to live another day. When a bloodied and mussed CreePaul arrives at home, Felicia (who has moved back to Wisteria Lane) is visibly shocked; clearly, she had high hopes for her patient Noah's Operation CreePaul Removal. To protect CreePaul from any future assassination attempts, Zana agrees to meet Noah, at last. When Zana refuses to hug Grandfather Noah -- in fact, even tries to blackmail Noah by threatening to never see him again if anything happens to CreePaul -- Noah is highly impressed: Zana, it seems, is quite the chip off the old block! Lynette criticizes one of Tom's pitches at work, and he gets all upset about how she's the alpha dog in the relationship. So...he sexes her up in the elevator at work. Take that! Moments before surgery, Susan's little doctor friend Ron tells a highly doped Susan that he loves her, but a smiling, smiling Susan informs him that she still loves Mike, oops!
Previously: Bree got drunk and passed out while babysitting Lynette's kids. Gabby had an affair with her underage gardener. Noah discovered Zana was his grandson, and then he sent Detective Sullied to get rid of CreePaul. (Note: we also see a flashback of Felicia asking Noah, with feigned concern, "What kind of people would buy a baby from a junkie?" Which I don't ever remember seeing! When did that conversation go down? Is my brain dumb? Probably.)
MAVO: "What made my husband Paul Young such a good investor was his was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future." We see a montage of CreePaul observing things -- Mary Alice asking a young Zana how he managed to tie his own shoes together, Mary Alice putting together a fancy coffee in a commuter mug, Mary Alice pouring filtered water into a thermos. With each little scenario, Mary Alice explains how CreePaul used what he observed to invest with crazy cunning: he put money in velcro shoes, in three-dollar coffee stores, and in bottled water. CreePaul is a genius.
In the now, canny CreePaul is on the horn with some money people. "I've been reading about the election results in Brazil," he says all-knowingly and also self-importantly. "It's time to buy sugar." Just then, a loud knock sounds at the door: it's Detective Sullied with some story about how CreePaul's name came up in a credit-card fraud investigation, and he needs to come down to the station. MAVO, with Olympian upbeat-ness: "But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home." Paul leaves with Detective Sullied, assuring Zana on his way out the door that everything will get cleared up soon, since, clearly, it's all "just a mix-up." It almost makes you wish, somehow, that CreePaul had paid attention when Mike warned him about Detective Sullied? Also: I sure hope this whole "investment savvy" thing of CreePaul's plays some future purpose on the show, because if the only reason the writers introduced it was to pave the way semi-ironically for CreePaul's lack of personal-safety smarts, well...that's a missed character-building opportunity in a long line of missed character-building opportunities on this show. I'm sorry to crab, but I'm just getting a little yawny over this show's lack of follow-through, what with all these characters (Susan's dad, Susan's book agent, Susan's gay almost-husband, Bree's party-hosting nemesis, Gabby's mother, Lynette's home-porno neighbors, Bree's ex-college boyfriend whose car George torched, Bree's hospitalized therapist, and so on and so on) appearing and disappearing and eating up screen time when we never get to see the characters we actually want (or are supposed to want) to know more about: Edie, Danielle, Julie, the Applewrongs. I'm fine with guest appearances, but when the core characters don't evolve, and their behavior patterns don't build on top of experiences, the show is becoming less a "tune in week" dramedy and more a Love Boat-type hat rack for displaying a rotating selection of guest stars. The end.
As CreePaul leaves, a cab pulls up door, and out pops Felicia. (You remember Felicia: Noah's new nurse, Mrs. Huber's sister, and the woman Zana beat with a hockey stick so badly that she had to be hospitalized?) Felicia watches CreePaul get carted away with a feverish gleam in her eye.
Down at the station: CreePaul, it appears, is now under arrest, news that he finds highly confusing: weren't they going to just ask him a few simple questions? Sullied: "That's after you're booked." But, as the desk sergeant informs Sullied, CreePaul can't get booked at that station: "The computers are down, and we're all full up." Convenient? Detective Sullied smiles and slaps a pair of cuffs on CreePaul, who's busy squawking about phone calls and lawyers and other civil rights.
Down in the parking garage, an anonymous uniformed policeman guides a still-protesting CreePaul into the back of a police van. MAVO: "Yes, in the world of investments, my husband had a remarkable ability to see the future." CreePaul notices that he's not alone in the van: there are two orange-suited thugs sitting across from him. "I got a message for you, Paul Young," one of them says in an...Irish accent? "Deirdre's father said to give you his regards." No...maybe that accent's hardcore California? Well, whether he's from Long Beach or Dublin, he's clearly fixing to lay some serious hurt on CreePaul, what with the huge knife he's now brandishing. Outside, we see the van start a-rocking -- and not, I'm guessing, in a sexy way. Over the yelling and screaming, MAVO finishes off her story with disquieting cheer: "Sadly, Paul didn't see this one coming at all." Wow, what is the deal with dead Mary Alice? She sounds overjoyed to be narrating the bloody downfall of her husband. It almost makes you think that maybe she's not CreePaul's biggest fan? Except that she's uniformly overjoyed by every single event she narrates. Maybe that bullet she put in her head lobotomized her moments before death? Or maybe the afterlife is just a very, very joyful place.
MAVO: "Bree Van de Kamp had a routine she'd been following for years." Bree "The Body" Van de Kamp, looking fresh and confident in pearls and a pink cashmere sweater, strides confidently through her house and crosses another day off the calendar. MAVO (in time with a montage of all Bree's chores): "She cleaned on Tuesdays, she paid her bills on Wednesdays, she did her laundry on Thursdays. And after the daily chores were completed, she would reward herself with a little drink." Wow, so Bree's drinking has been going on for years? I somehow thought the drinking was a byproduct of Bree's tuff, tuff year. Interesting! ["Also, Bree only does laundry once a week? I do it every day! I refuse to believe I'm less of a lazy bitch than Bree." -- Wing Chun] MAVO: "What Bree didn't know was [that] this latest edition to her daily routine had been noticed by her friends." Oh, okay: the drinking has only been incorporated into the routine just lately. Got it! Through the filmy gauze of her front curtain, Bree spies Lynette, Susan, and Gabby gossiping out on the sidewalk across the street.
Lynette is just finishing up the sordid tale of "Bree Passing Out While Babysitting." Much as Lynette herself fell asleep while watching someone else's kids back in her Ritalin-riddled days -- which she conveniently fails to mention here. Susan asks Lynette whether she's seen Bree since. Lynette: "No...I'm worried about her, but I don't know how I'm going to get over what she did." The ladies exchange concerned glances, and then Lynette gets into her car and heads off to work. Inside her house, Bree snaps her curtains closed in a pique, and then she struts out to set Gabby and Susan straight. After exchanging awkward greetings, Bree "casually" asks what they were all talking about. Gabby says that they were discussing how she and Carlos are off to the adoption agency, and then Susan pipes up to say that today's the big day of her surgery. But Bree isn't at all interested in these petty announcements. Getting a baby? Removing a spleen? Whatever. Bree would rather discuss what's most important: that little "tiff" she had with Lynette? Was totally just a small antihistamine problem! (Remember that old saw?) Along with maybe just a small glass of wine. Susan and Gabby nod and nod, and Bree keeps tapdancing: "I mean...I like a little wine with dinner, every now and then. Who doesn't? But to trash my reputation...!" Gabby hastens to assure Bree that Lynette wasn't trashing anyone, "honest." Bree is glad to hear it, whew. And with that out of the way, does anyone need a bathmat? Because Bree's off to the mall to get one for herself, and buying an additional bathmat would be no problem. Anyone? Anyone? Bathmat? Susan and Gabby smile and cough out uncomfortable "no thanks"es, and chipper Bree heads to her car. The very second she's out of range, Gabby whispers to Susan, "Wow, did you smell the alcohol on her breath?" Yes, Susan surely did. And I, in turn, smell an INTERVENTION brewing!
Down at the office, Tom is finishing up another lackluster pitch. This time it's something about an Eskimo, and also some mints. Tom is smiling hugely, but everyone at the conference table, including Lynette, is clearly not impressed. Lynette: "It feels a little familiar." Tom insists that it, wow, it totally isn't! So Lynette reminds him about how some competitor used "Eskimos in a deodorant commercial they had last month, remember?" Now that sounds like good advertising. Tom: "That was completely different. Those were jock Eskimos competing in the Iditarod." Make that fantastic advertising. Lynette admits that while she understands the "subtle distinction" between the campaigns pitches, she still thinks they can "do better."
After the meeting, Tom follows Lynette into her office to ask exactly what Lynette meant with that sarcastic "subtle distinction" comment. Lynette explains that she happens to know Tom didn't give this pitch his all: last night he was "watching the game" when he should have been working. Tom: "What, okay, I can't check the score?" Lynette asks him if, in all honesty, he gave that pitch "100%," and by way of an answer, Tom pauses significantly. Lynette, all no-big-whoop-y: "Well, exactly. So! Big deal! Go work up some new ideas and we'll go over it during lunch." But Tom is still grumpy. "You're the boss," he says, with the petulance of a little, little boy. Lynette, to his crabby back: "Yes, I am!" I'm guessing this is exactly why Lynette didn't want to work with her husband in the first place.
And now a-wandering (spleen) we go! Susan's reading quietly in her hospital bed when in comes little Dr. Ron, along with the surgeon. The surgeon, it should be noted, has his arm in a full cast, which is propped up into the air with a brace, as though he's perpetually in the act of volunteering an answer. "I'm really looking forward to your surgery," he says, which is a semi-funny line, but the way he says it, for some reason, really makes me laugh. Susan: "And I'm really hoping you're a lefty." Dr. Arm: "Nope, can't even write my name. That's what I get for throwing my kid a roller-skating party." Dr. Ron and Dr. Arm laugh and laugh. Susan smiles weakly and says, "Fuh-knee," like a sad and weak robot. They look at each other for a few beats, like, "What?" Finally Susan spells it out for them: "Sooo, what about my surgery?" Dr. Arm tells her that he's still going to do it, only Dr. Ron is going to do the snipping. Dr. Ron: "With my hands and his brain, you've got the best of both of us." Aw, Dr. Ron is stupid! Susan nervously agrees to the plan.
Dr. Arm leaves the room, but Dr. Ron stays behind: you see, he has something he wants to give Susan. There's a lot of build-up here, so I'm all ready for a little velvet box, or at the very a least little black woman in a big silver box. So when the "ta-da!" moment of the gift-giving arrives and Dr. Ron motions for a nurse to come in (the same nurse, I think, who was off smoking the night Mrs. Solis had her big fall), and she comes in carrying...flowers, it's a little underwhelming. It's a huge, huge bouquet, granted. And it's very beautiful. But it isn't exactly worthy of all that preamble. Dr. Ron stutters some stuff about how he's been thinking and thinking about Susan and their "future together," but since clearly he's not the greatest at voicing his emotions, he's put it all in the card with the flowers. Susan goes to open the card, but Dr. Ron freaks out -- he can't be there when she reads it! -- and he evacuates the room. But Nurse Negligence keeps on standing there somewhat weirdly. Susan reads the card, and her eyebrows go way up and she says, "Wow." I don't think Susan is all that thrilled by the contents of her note! But Nurse Negligence is totally swept away by the moment, all smiles and sighs. And then she asks to see the note! Susan is understandably thrown by this invasion of privacy. Nurse Negligence frowns: "Well, I did help him pick out the flowers." They stare at each other for a few beats, then Susan gives in and hands over the card. Nurse Negligence reads the note and giggles and blushes, and then throws her head back and laughs hugely. Oh that witty, romantic Dr. Ron! And oh, what an uncomfortably weird nurse.
Down at the adoption agency, Gabby and Carlos are meeting with one of the agents. "So," Gabby asks, "how does this work? Do we flip through a catalog or something?" The woman explains that it's actually not that simple. In fact, there are "ten couples" for ever infant up for adoption, and "you don't choose your child; the birth mother chooses you." Carlos says that they'll do whatever it takes to be picked. The woman explains that the "typical birth mother" is usually a "young girl" who just wants to know that the adopting couple are "quality people": "Now to show her that, you'll be putting together a parent portfolio," which includes "family pictures, character references, that kind of stuff." Gabby looks puzzled. Are they "auditioning to be parents?" Lady Agent agrees that's one way of looking at it. Gabby: "So just to be clear: some slutty teenager gets knocked up by the soccer coach behind the local Gas & Gulp, and she is going to make sure we're quality people?" And just listen as the "that Gabby, what a social retard" music swells!
It's a chirpy bright morning at the house of quiet inebriation. Bree's out in the back yard, reading the paper and huffing some wine. Andrew comes out, and she sort of folds the top of the paper down so that it's covering her glass. Andrew: "You know, you don't have to hide it from me." Bree tries to pretend she wasn't hiding anything; rather, she was "simply enjoying the day." Anyway, it turns out that Andrew's ride to school, "Mason," is moving away, and Andrew needs wheels. Bree offers to drive him. Andrew chuckles. What he wants is a car. Bree: "Well then, I suggest you get a job." Andrew: "Why should I have to go work my ass off at some fast-food place when I can already afford what I want?" Ugh, he is so horrid...he takes the "Andr" out of "Andrew." Bree scolds that they're "not touching [his] trust fund": that money isn't his until he's twenty-one: "And if I had my way, you wouldn't get your hands on it until you were fifty! We both know you're going to waste very penny of it." And with that fine act of parenting, Bree takes another swig of her magical grown-up juice. Andrew asks her why she's "being like this," and he seems honestly confused. She stands and faces him, and says, "Because, sweetheart, it is my job to teach you about responsibility, setting goals, delayed gratification." And, it should be noted, Marcia Cross does an awesome job here of capturing that particular confidence of someone slightly drunk. Andrew: "What do you know about delayed gratification? It's not even noon yet, and you're already on your third glass of wine." Points to Andrew! Bree, now officially cranky, informs Andrew that her offer of a ride is now revoked: he can hoof it to school! They bicker back, they bicker forth, until Andrew takes just a shade too far: "Well aren't we a mean old drunk?" And CRACK! Slap goes the weasel! Bree looks so shocked by what she's just done, you'd almost think Andrew had been the one doing the slapping. Andrew: "Whatever that was supposed to teach me, consider it a lesson learned." I'm not even sure what that means, but six more points to Team Andrew!
The still be-spleened Susan lies in her hospital bed, sleeping, as beside her Karl laughs himself hoarse over Dr. Ron's note. Susan finally wakes up and asks what's so funny. Karl: "I'm just enjoying the silky smooth moves of Dr. Ron, or should I say 'Doctor LOVE'?" Susan makes a grab for the note, but Karl yanks it out of range. Karl reads aloud his favorite selection with faux-sincerity: "'I can't wait to be with you in the operating room, so I can touch your heart, because you've already touched mine so deeply.'" Susan admits that it sounds better when read with an inside voice. Karl asks Susan if she likes Dr. Love as much as she likes him. Susan, with not an ounce of enthusiasm: "Of course I do. He's smart and funny and kind." Karl notes that he doesn't "hear the word 'love'" in Susan's list. Susan, with uncustomary sanity: "Well, that's a big word. We just started dating. We have a connection, and I'm going to follow it through and see where it goes." Karl, translating: "You're going to string him along until you feel something you don't, and you're going to waste the five years of your life." Susan: "As opposed to the twelve years I wasted on you?" Point: Susan. Besides, Susan points out that she never asked Karl's advice in the first place, and he starts poking her and saying she's his wife again, which means he has "certain rights," including the right to "badger" Susan. Susan invites him to leave, and Karl emotes, "I wish I could MRI your soul." Susan: "Out!" Karl staggers out, still laughing. In the hall, he runs into crazy Nurse Negligence, and for some reason he feels compelled to tell her, "Watch out for my wife, she's on a tear." Nurse N's face goes from upside-down to frown.
Gabby and Carlos are having some difficulty finding any parent-worthy photos in their collection. For instance, in the vacation photo Gabby's holding up now, she's topless. Gabby doesn't see the problem: Carlos's "hands are covering [her] naughty parts." Carlos: "Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?" Meaning, I guess, that his hands were more blocking Gabby's rack versus the implied cupping that the word "covering" implied. Carlos is exasperated: "Every single picture of the two of us, we're either drinking or smoking or naked." Gabby clarifies: "We like to have fun. And who doesn't understand that more than a unwed, knocked-up teenager?" Carlos is not amused. But then Gabby gets a brainstorm!
Cut to Carlos and Gabby standing in front of Lynette. Lynette: "So, you want me to, ah, as parents?" Gabby hands her a bottle of wine. Lynette: "Oh, you don't have to bribe me. We're all friends here." Gabby, with a big smile: "Keeping that in mind, would it also be okay if we be your kids' godparents?" Carlos, holding up a camera: "And can we take some fake pictures to document it?" Lynette laughs uncomfortably and then holds up the wine: "I don't suppose you brought a corkscrew?" Which is kind of funny, and yet...the Scavos don't have a corkscrew?
Zana's out on his front porch, muttering on the phone to what I'm guessing is the police. Felicia is out on the sidewalk out front, just standing there petting a coffee cup and eavesdropping in a weirdly menacing way. Mike walks up and confronts her: what, exactly, is she doing there? Felicia, in a truly insane witch voice: "Oh I left in such a rush, there was lots of old business I forgot to wrap up." Mike points out that it must be "pretty important business" if it prompted her to move back right to the man she suspects of slaying her sister. Felicia is all, speaking of Paul...he got hauled away by the fuzz! And, she guesses, he's not going to be back anytime soon. And then she smiles wickedly and also insanely.
Cut to a frantic and pacing Mike, on the phone with Noah. Mike: "If anything happens to Paul Young --" Noah, interrupting: "It already happened." Eerie "van assassination" music swells! Mike starts screaming that Noah's really done it this time -- that once Zana finds out what Noah did, he's never ever going to feel grandpa love for Noah: "And believe me, I'll make sure he finds out." Mike hangs up and gets out his gun. Yeah!
At the Scavo dinner table, the Ps are in full force. Lynette apologizes about the burnt meatloaf, and a clearly still-sulky Tom agrees that she didn't exactly "give it 100%." You see that? How he used a direct quote from her criticism of his Eskimo pitch? That's sticking it to her! Tom does some pontificating about how the meatloaf demonstrates the truth of how nobody can do everything perfectly all the time. Lynette counters that there's a difference between meatloaf and business. Tom: "You mean the client deserves more effort than your own family?" Lynette takes a big breath and then apologizes for criticizing Tom at work, which is really rather game and also an unexpected tack for Lynette to take. Anyway, I sure do like meatloaf.
It's nighttime on Wisteria Lane, and Andrew and Justin are outside somewhere dark and out of the way. What's this, Andrew's slipping a ring on Justin's finger? Wait, does this mean they're BFBF4EVER? For a second, it seems like that's what this scene is shaping up to be: true romance. But then Justin winds up and takes a huge swing at Andrew. Crack! What the...? Andrew, after taking a second to recover: "All right, one more time." Justin, flabbergasted: "Dude, I don't want to mess up your face!" Andrew: "Do you love me?" Justin nods. Aw, Justin loves evil Andrew! So lovestruck Justin takes another huge swing. Hmm. Either Andrew is exploring Aerosmith's thin line between pleasure and pain, or he's taking a page from Dirty Harry's Scorpio Killer and manufacturing some bruises -- the kind of bruises that get drunk, slap-happy moms into trouble.
Back at the house of bruised egos: Tom and Lynette are heading for a sex-down. They do some frisking and frolicking, but somehow Lynette keeps winding up on top. And for some reason, this bothers Tom. (Huh?!) Tom: "You can't give it up for a second, can you? You always have to call the shots, always!" Lynette: "Is this about me being your boss again? You gotta get over it." Tom does some more frantic accusing of how Lynette's "not just [his] boss at work, [she's his] boss everywhere," she "runs the show," et cetera. Even though Tom totally brought this on himself by insisting on taking job at Lynette's company. Wow, Lynette is totally the sane one in this conversation, and Tom is the neurotic one who painted his own self into a corner! It's like...Opposite Day! Lynette: "I am so sorry you feel that way, but you can not put that on me. This is your life. You want to run it, then step on up. You want to drive? Grab the steering wheel. What else am I supposed to say?" See? Lynette is being absolutely reasonable. Weird. But Tom doesn't see it that way. He sulkily says that he's going to "go check on the kids," and leaves. Whatever.
At the hospital, crazy Nurse Negligence comes in to check Susan's blood pressure, and puts the cuff on a little tight. And then she pumps and pumps and pumps, until Susan is contorted in pain. Nurse N marvels at Susan's pain, what with thinking Susan was "dead inside." Nurse N says she tried to stay out of it, but she just can't: she knows about Susan being married! Susan denies it, Nurse N tells her what Karl said, Susan lies that he just said that because they used to be married, but Nurse N knows better: she checked Susan's file: "So that makes you a lying, adulterous SKANK." Nurse N walks out, and Susan does her spazzy Susan thing, trying to run after her but then getting yanked back by various tubes and needles, until finally she scampers up the hallway with a huge piece of attached medical machinery in her hands. (Why she's so wired up when she hasn't even had surgery is a mystery -- a hilarious, slapstick mystery!) Finally, she catches up with the Nurse Nutjob and frantically explains that she had to marry Karl for insurance purposes, but that she didn't want to tell Dr. Ron because it would implicate him in the fraud. Nurse N, all sarcastic and suspicious: "So you're what...protecting him?" Susan does her little muppet Beaker nod, and the nurse frost evaporates with the speed of a true crazy person. "Okay!" she gushes. "As long as you're not two-timing him. He feels so strongly about you." Susan, miserable: "I know. I read the card." The nurse cradles her hands under her chin and swoons, "But did you read between the lines?" Susan is confused, so the Nurse confesses that Dr. Ron has been "working up the courage" to tell Susan he loves her! "But you have to act surprised, okay?!" She is terrifying. Susan promises that she will indeed look surprised, and then she tries to wrap things up: "So I guess we have the whole insurance thing worked out." Nurse N: "Oh! [Dismissive blowhole sound] Don't worry about that. Who am I to cast stones...I mean heck, I didn't pass my nurse's exam. They didn't even ask me!" Nurse N winks and walks away. Unlike Tom, Nurse N gives 100%. (100% crazy.)
Bree, in a charming little pencil skirt, comes downstairs to find Andrew's lawyer sitting in the living room, which isn't exactly the best surprise. Andrew comes in from the kitchen with a refreshment for the lawyer (at least Bree's hosting skills got passed down), and he has a nasty bruise on both his eye and chin. The sight of the bruises shocks Bree, and she instinctively reaches out to Andrew but he flinches away. Wow, the 'Ew is working it hard! Bree asks what happened, and Andrew looks at the lawyer like, wow, was she in a blackout or what, and says, "You hit me, don't you remember?" Sitting at the dining-room table, Bree matter-of-factly informs the lawyer that, "for the record," she didn't "punch" Andrew, she "slapped him with an open palm," as though slapping her son were totally A+ parenting. Andrew: "Yeah, but Mom, when you drink, you don't know your own strength." For a second, I thought maybe Bree should retain lawyer Karl to help her deal with Andrew's manipulations once again, but Karl's threat of a beat-down might work against Bree in this particular battle. Bree pleads with the lawyer: surely he sees that Andrew is making all of this up? But the lawyer thinks the "environment is a highly dysfunctional one," and he's here to help Andrew become an emancipated minor. Bree chortles at the absurdity of this proposition, and points out that Andrew would have no means of supporting himself. But, according to the lawyer, getting emancipated would mean that Andrew would also get access to his trust fund. Is that true in the real world? I have a feeling it isn't, but okay. The lawyer points out that, clearly, they'd all like to avoid going to court, but with the "violence" and Bree's DUI charge, things "could get ugly." Bree, still looking unshaken, tells the lawyer that she needs some time to mull it over, and he gives her "twenty-four hours." The lawyer leaves, and Bree and Andrew engage in a war of the eyes.
Gabby and Carlos are sitting in the waiting room at the adoption agency. They've got their portfolio, and it's packed with photos. There's Gabby and Carlos doing a cheerleader pyramid with the Scavo Ps, there's Gabby and Carlos playing hopscotch with the kids, Gabby playing guitar with the kids. Carlos: "Boy, it really looks like we're having a good time. I sure hope this works." Gabby: "As long as they don't make me play guitar, I think we're home free." Which doesn't seem like the wisest thing to say out loud, what with the receptionist like three earth inches away? Though I wouldn't be surprised if Gabby and Carlos are the kind of awful that doesn't even consider that a receptionist might actually have the power to affect their lives in any way. Gabby and Carlos head into their meeting, and as they walk in, Helen (John the Gardener's mother) comes out of a different office and spies them. And I'm not sure, but I think she might still be upset about Gabby sexing her underage son? Or maybe she just doesn't like Gabby's white linen suit (which would be weird, because it's a very cute suit)?
In the meeting, the Lady Agent is reviewing the Solis's portfolio, and she seems very impressed by all the photos of the Scavo kids. But then she asks what their names are, and Gabby's face falls. And I'm reminded of the time I tried to buy beer while still underage, and I had memorized the birthday and date on my fake ID, and even knew my fictitious astrological sign (Aries), but the checkout woman at Alpha Beta didn't ask me for any of that. She just said, "What school do you go to?" And without hesitating, I cheerfully volunteered, "Tam High!" And...bye, bye beer. Gabby makes a valiant effort to name the Ps. She gets "Parker" and "Porter," but then she hits empty, so she finishes off with a lame, "Well, they're all Ps. It's super-cute."
Just then, Helen enters the room, and an awesome "busted!" look crosses both Gabby and Carlos's faces. Helen, with menace and wrath, tells Gabby, "I didn't know you were adopting." Gabby stares at Helen for a second, and then a light bulb goes off and she turns to the Lady Agent and says, "Preston! The other one's name is Preston!" Carlos weakly small-talks to Helen that he wasn't aware that she worked there, and then Lady Agent pipes up that she didn't know they all knew each other, and they do some "small world" chatting, and then Helen launches her attack: "Mrs. Solis hired my son to do her yard work. And also she would RAPE him." Haha! It's not too often that "rape" is the key to a hilarious zinger, and for this, I celebrate. Gabby: "First of all, it was statutory, and it happened so long ago." Carlos closes his eyes and looks pretty much like he's going to yak. And the Lady Agent looks like she just received an unexpected and also unwelcome spanking. Helen: "Was it? I think it was only about a year ago. It was a year, because it was right before your husband went to prison on slave-labor charges." Carlos looks even more shattered. You mean he didn't think they'd do a background check on them? That's pretty much unbelievable. Also: it now occurs to me that whatever law agencies rescued Xiao Mei the Money from her slave-labor situation probably wouldn't be too thrilled with her immediately reporting to the Solis house for work? Helen takes the Solis file off the shocked Lady Agent's desk and informs her that she'll take over from here. And then she informs Gabby not even to try another agency, because she's going to make sure they "know all about [her]." Looks like they spent all that quality time with the P kids for nothing!
Lynette is in the hospital visiting Susan, who still hasn't gone in for surgery. (I remember her surgeon saying they were going to "observe" her awhile first, but seriously, it's been days.) Susan confesses that she thinks she has to break up with Dr. Ron. Lynette gasps, "Why?," and seems all sad and shocked, which might make sense if we'd ever seen Lynette meet Dr. Ron, or even heard Susan telling Lynette about her new boyfriend. But that's fine! Susan: "Because he's a gem, and apparently he loves me...and I just don't know if I feel that spark, and I really want to." Lynette shakes her head like she knows exactly the depth and darkness of that particular nightmare. "And he keeps telling me how special I am, how much I mean to him, how much he wants to hold my beating heart in his hand," Susan adds. Lynette: "Ew." Ha! Susan wonders if maybe it's just that the "thunderbolt" hasn't hit yet, like it most definitely did with Mike, and with Karl. Lynette: "Yeah, yeah. Gotta love the thunderbolt." Susan: "Do I? I mean, I do. But I don't trust it anymore. Those relationships turned out to be disasters. Maybe I should stick it out with Dr. Ron. And I should try heading down a road that's growing, and slower...into a sort of kind of love that would sustain itself for fifty years. Right? Stability, comfort, endurance...I deserve that!" Lynette very supportively tells Susan that she absolutely deserves all that stuff. And then the two women sort of stare off into middle space for a few seconds, and then Lynette says, "But still, you gotta love that thunderbolt." Susan: "That's not helpful." Lynette, smiling: "Sorry." All in all, a nice and totally believable scene! And I'm not just saying so because I, like Susan, have struggled with that sideways reasoning before, that "what I know to be true might not be right if it always seems to lead to wrong" thinking. Though clearly that relatability helps, even if it is just one more nail in the "I'm a Susan" casket. But see? All it takes is just two of the housewives talking to each other in a small, quiet way for this show to work. Is that so much to ask?
Carlos and Gabby are home, licking their wounds. Carlos: "This is a sign...we lost the baby, found out we can't conceive another one, and ran into Helen Roland at an adoption agency. God is obviously trying to tell us something." Well, when he puts it that way, maybe this does mean they shouldn't be parents. That and the fact that they had to completely manufacture a portfolio of reasons that they'd make good parents. Nonetheless, Gabby isn't giving up! "Carlos! We're Catholics, okay? And God is pretty Johnny One-Note on the whole subject of procreation. Will you stop with this defeatist attitude? Do you want a baby or not?" But Carlos keeps up with his "we probably don't deserve to be parents" talk. "Well then," Gabby rah-rahs, "who the hell does?" Gabby pulls Carlos to her and tells it to him straight: "Look, Carlos. It doesn't matter what we've done in our past. Being a parent means rising to the occasion, and that's exactly what we're going to do when we bring our baby home." Carlos: "This is the first time I really felt like you wanted to have a baby." Gabby: "Well, this is the first time somebody told me I couldn't have one." Awww. Except...didn't the doctor say she couldn't have kids, before the adoption agency said it? Hush little Evany, don't say a word. Shhh! Anyway the scene ends with Carlos rallying enough to talk game plan. Gabby, all steely and battle-ready, says, "There are ways to get babies, Carlos. It just might cost us." Whoa, black-market baby, bam-a-lam!
Mike is at Zana's. Mike: "I have some contacts at the police department. I've been making calls, but I can't seem to get a straight answer about your dad." Zana's confused: how does the law misplace someone like this? Mike is all, that's just it: I don't think this is an accident. But just as he's fixing to tell Zana about Noah, Felicia shows up. Is it me, or has she been working out? And somehow her hair has evolved from "mental patient chic" to "flirt pixie." But maybe she just looks so fine thanks to the tray of macaroons she's carrying. Because everyone and everything looks good with macaroons as an accessory. Felicia tells Zana how heinous he looks, and then Mike lurches into view and asks what she's doing there. (Didn't he ask her that already, in their last scene?) Felicia: "Young Zachary and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms." Felicia cricks her neck to the side, and an audible cracking sound is heart -- a clear and deliberate reference to how Zana put her in the hospital. Felicia continues: "In fact, when the weather's damp, I'm still reminded of our last goodbye." Creepy! And yet, Zana really should have sent her a little note of apology for braining her with a hockey stick. Multiple times. Felicia: "But, forgive and forget, that's my motto. Macaroon?" Just then, a police car pulls up out front. Mike puts a comforting hand on Zana's shoulder, and Zana kind of looks at it distrustfully. A cop gets out, walks to the back door, opens it, and...out comes CreePaul!
Flashback to the van scene from the beginning. Turns out CreePaul actually managed to fight off the two hardened prisoners, and the (I guess non-crooked) cop of the nice ride home happened to hear the commotion and let him out of the van. I'm not sure why CreePaul wasn't just delivered right back into Detective Sullied's hands, unless CreePaul somehow managed to get someone to believe what happened, and Sullied got into trouble? Who knows! We may never know! In fact, we almost surely won't. CreePaul is limping and bleeding, so clearly he hasn't received any medical attention (though, miraculously, his blood-soaked shirt is tucked in tight...like father, like son!), which also seems weird. But maybe he put his foot down, just insisted he wanted to go home? Another magical mystery! Zana runs up and gives him a huge hug as bio-dad Mike looks on forlornly and Felicia just looks like she sees dead people. CreePaul, all cool and collected, selects a macaroon from Felicia's tray, and says, "Now, how did you know I loved macaroons?" Looks like the cookie's crumbling in someone else's favor this time around.
Inside, Mike tries to warn CreePaul that it's too late to leave town: Noah is sure to have people watching the Youngs. CreePaul: "What is it with you, anyway? First you want me to run, now you want us to stick around like sitting ducks for this maniac?" Mike just thinks that since Noah has Johnny Law in his back pocket, running will be tough, what with CreePaul's credit cards being traceable, and so on. And yet...since Noah's always had the police on his side, Mike's advice to run was never really a great plan. Anyway, what Mike recommends now is for CreePaul to buy some time using Zana: let him meet Noah. They won't have to hang out too long, since Noah's essentially writhing in death's driveway. CreePaul is adamantly opposed to this idea. But then Zana, who's been listening from the stairs, walks down and says, "I'll do it." Crazy!
Lynette and Tom are riding up the elevator to work, and clearly all is still not well between them. Lynette does some work-talking about the upcoming meeting, and Tom sort of nods with a glazed-over look. They arrive at their floor, and Lynette goes to get off, but Tom pulls her back in, the doors close, and he presses the emergency stop button. Then he launches into a speech about how hard it is for a man to not be a boss of even one area of his life, blah blah ditty blah -- basically, he just rehashes his side of their fight from before. Tom: "Sometimes I need to drive the train. I know it is my issue. It is my issue. And I will step up and deal with it." Lynette leans in and gives him a peck, and then he dives at her and starts be-frenching her all up and down. Lynette protests at first, saying that they're going to be late for the meeting, peep, peep. Tom: "Yeah. We are going. To be late." Lynette, finally on-program, closes her eyes and says, "Okay." And the elevator sexing is a go. Just like when they were courting!
Gabby and Carlos are at a sleazy adoption lawyer's office, and the sleazy adoption lawyer (played by "Hey! It's That Guy!" John Kapelos) is sympathizing with how lame it is that some people deny couples of their "god-given right to parent" simply because "of a few sordid incidents." And then he tells them, "Now, I may have to explore some unconventional paths to find your child. I might even have to take actions some might view as unsavory. But before I do, I need proof that the two of you are prepared to face the challenges ahead." Gabby hands him a check for $20,000, and the "money well spent" music trills!
Mike and Zana roll into Noah's death room. Noah does not look good: he's waxy and grey and, frankly, could use a spot of blush. But Zana makes it clear right up front that he isn't going to play nice grandson: "I'm not going to hug you, I don't care if you are my grandfather." And that's fine by Noah, seeing as "hugging's not really [his] thing." Noah asks Mike to leave them alone, but Mike refuses to budge. Zana asks Noah why he wanted to meet him so badly, and Noah spins some yarn about it being "only natural" to want to connect with his "flesh and blood." Which may be so, but something about the way Noah's talking makes it seem like there's something more going on here. Hm. Zana: "What kind of relationship can we have when I know that you tried to kill my dad?" Surely Zana understands Noah's rage toward CreePaul (re: the death of daughter Deirdre)? Zana: "Go ahead. Feel all the rage you want to feel. But if anything happens to him, I swear to god you are never going to see me again." Noah: "You only met me two minutes ago, and here you are, already blackmailing me. I couldn't be prouder." But Zana's in no mood to joke; he wants Noah to swear he'll leave his father alone. Noah: "Which dad? You have two of them." Zana: "You know who[m] I'm talking about: my dad. The man who raised me, the only man I'm ever going to care about." The words hit Mike (who's standing behind Zana) hard, you can totally tell. Noah swears not to hurt CreePaul, and then he says, "Now that the ground rules have been set, who's up for some meaningless small talk?" Oh, Noah! Zana looks over at Mike, and Mike looks away. Oh, Mike!
Fresh from getting his heart broken by his bio-son, Mike heads down to the hospital to visit Susan just before she goes in for surgery. Yes, it's true: Susan is finally, finally heading in to get her spleen zapped. Mike, carrying a bouquet of lilacs, wanders into the waiting room, where he encounters Karl, who jumps to inform Mike that Susan's dating her surgeon. Mike: "Yeah, she told me. You met him?" Karl: "Yeah, he's, like, six years old." Mike laughs a small cough of a laugh. Karl notes the flowers Mike brought, and makes a point of telling him how huge the bouquet that Dr. Ron gave Susan is: "And the note that went with it made my teeth hurt, it was so saccharine. It used words like 'soulmate' and 'eternity.' I almost puked in the vase." Mike, with deceptive nonchalance, asks what "Susan thinks of that," and Karl tells him that "she seemed to be really into it." Now, Karl. What are you playing at? Just then, they wheel Susan down the hall. And she is feeling no pain. She notices Mike as they wheel her by the waiting room, and she yells at the whiskers to stop. "What are you doing here?" she sing-songs. Mike says he "just wanted to wish [her] luck before surgery." Though really, when he arrived, I got the impression he was hoping to talk to her about more than just that. Susan: "Awww. That is so sweeeeeet. You came all the way down here just for me." Mike agrees. Susan, in a baby voice: "It means a lot to me that you came." Mike tells her to "take care," and they wheel her off. Mike turns to leave, and Karl, whom Susan totally ignored that entire exchange, reminds him that he "forgot to give her [his] flowers." Mike: "It's no big deal." Poor Mike: first his son rejected him for all time, and now Susan's new boyfriend's bouquet is bigger than his!
On the operating table, Susan is still smiling gigantically. Dr. Ron asks her how her drugs are working out, and Susan says, floatily, "Super-duper!" And then, super-duper-unfortunately, Ron launches in with his preamble to "love," about how, with regard to all the "corny stuff" he said about holding Susan's "heart in [his] hands" and so on...well, what he meant to say was: "I love you." And then Susan, with a huge, angelic smile, says, "Thank you! I love...Mike!" Nurse Negligence, who's sorting clamps and things nearby, drops her tray as Dr. Ron asks Susan what she means by "Mike." Susan, all slow and weird like an old hippie: "Mike is looooooooove." Dr. Ron, agitated now, turns to all the people in the operating room and asks, "Who the hell is Mike?" Nurse N: "I don't know, but she's married to a guy named Karl." Haha! Susan, totally oblivious to the uproar, just keeps saying "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey" as the anesthesiologist puts the mask on her. Nurse N, crying now, keens to Dr. Ron, "Why are you always falling in love with skanks? You beautiful, beautiful man!" Just then, Dr. Arm comes in. "Okay! We ready to go here?" Dr. Ron: "Yeah, sure. Let's cut this bitch open." Wow!
Bree is pouring all her wine down the drain when Andrew walks in and asks her what she's doing. She informs him that she's preparing for the hearing Andrew's lawyer has informed her is scheduled to happen four weeks hence. Andrew: "Oh, I get it! So you're going to pretend to be sober for the judge?" Bree cheerfully denies that there will be any pretending going on. In fact, she's going to her "first AA meeting tomorrow night." She grabs two more bottles from the fridge. Both bottles are already open: the lead foil has been removed, and the corks are sitting high, so clearly they've been pulled and reinserted. Wow, so that's how serious a drinker Bree is: she comes home from the wine merchant store, lines up her dozen bottles for the week(end?), opens them up, one by one, with one of those ultra-fancy Lever Style Rabbit Corkscrews, and then gently replaces the corks so they're ultra-easy to open. That way, when the juices really start to flow, she won't be delayed one second when she makes that transition from Bottle 2 to Bottle 3. Bree: "Of course, I picked [an AA meeting] in the worst part of town so I won't run in to anyone we know, which of course means I will." Hey, there's the Bree I remember! Andrew asks what "that's going to prove." And Bree wheels around, her auburn flip flying, and lays this right on him: "Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic." Andrew, sounding less sure, tells her it'll never work -- that she's certainly going to show up in court all drunk. "Oh, Andrew," Bree chides chillingly, "you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?"
Andrew tries to reason with Bree, pointing out that, since he's seventeen, she can really only keep him at home for another year: "Why not just let me go?" Bree: "Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you, and you are not half the man I know you can be." Yikes. Andrew: "I've got news for you: this is as good as I'm going to get." And I tend to agree with him there. Bree: "If I really thought that, I'd get a gun and kill us both." But...Bree already has a gun? Maybe now's not the best time to remind her, though, because she really does seem ready to do almost anything in this scene. Andrew, desperate now: "Mom. We're both so unhappy. Why not just let me take my trust fund, and I'll get out of your hair forever. Please." But Bree shakes her head no, no, one thousand times no. Disgusted, Andrew turns away and tells her, "You're a stone-cold bitch, you know that?" He starts walking toward the door, and we see Bree's mouth thin in rage, and then she HURLS a full bottle of wine just to Andrew's left, and it shatters against the refrigerator. Yeah, that's a really great child-rearing environment she's got cooking there. She walks up to him, and with menacing politeness, she says, "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that." Andrew huffs and puffs, and then delivers the inevitable "I hate you!" Then Bree unfurls that gem about how the "opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." (The first time I saw this scene, I voiced the word "indifference" right along with her, so inevitable was it.) Anyway, blah blah blah, Bree wraps it up by declaring that she believes that she and Andrew are "still connected," and that she still "has a chance to set [Andrew] right." Meanwhile, Andrew clearly thinks she's still totally batsnanas. Andrew delivers one last searing glare. Then he turns and walks out, and Bree immediately starts sweeping up the broken glass.
And it's MAVO TIME! "This is how Bree Van de Kamp finally came to change her weekly routine. She still cleaned on Tuesdays, paid her bills on Wednesdays, and did her laundry on Thursdays. But her Fridays were now reserved for a meeting -- a special meeting where she stood in front of people that she didn't know..." Bree, wearing a London Fog trench and an awesome turquoise and gold silk neck scarf, stands up in front of a circle of people sitting in chairs and declares that her name is Bree, and she's an alcoholic. MAVO continues: "...and said things she didn't believe. And afterward, Bree would come home and reward herself on the completion of another successful week." At home, Bree pulls a bottle of wine out from behind some boxes in the...laundry room? She pours out a healthy swig, and then she gulps it down using two hands, like she's finally found water after wandering the desert for many, many days. Oh Bree.