Karl sends Susan roses as an apology for making a huge pass at her at his engagement party to Edie. Disgusted by this latest development, Julie stomps off and Susan is forced to go to the movies alone. When Mike arrives at the movie with a date on his arm, Susan is forced to make Kyle MacLachlan (who, amusingly enough, plays a dentist named "Orson") pretend to be her date so Mike won't get the wrong idea and start thinking that Susan is a modern, adult woman, capable of attending a movie on her own. When Kyle comes by Susan's the day to return her wallet, which she left at the movies, of course, Susan vomits forth her whole, sordid romantic life story, which ends with the confession that she may still have feelings for Karl. Kyle gives her this sensible advice: clearly Karl is an infant coward without the guts to leave Edie without first getting the green light from Susan. Susan seems to agree with Kyle's assessment, and she tells Karl so. The day (week? month?), Karl shows up on Susan's stoop, all hangdog with news that he's ended it with Edie. Like an idiot, Susan invites him in for a "bottle of wine," and...cut to the two of them cuddling post-coitally in bed. But then! Karl's phone rings: it's Edie, and she wants him to bring home some "juice." Turns out, Karl didn't break up with Edie after all! Making Susan the Other Woman! In a shrieking rage, Susan kicks Karl out of the house, and Julie -- who is quietly sitting at the table eating macaroni and cheese (with her parents doing it upstairs??) -- rolls her eyes at the inevitability of it all. Felecia takes last week dental menace campaign to the level: she Criscos up the Young's stoop (which sounds sexy, but mostly just causes CreePaul to slip and crack his head), she swaps the Young's lighter fluid for gasoline (causing CreePaul to lose some arm hair), and then she signs up the Young for a house-wide termite extermination tent. CreePaul finally loses it, takes Felicia by the collar in front of the exterminators and everybody, and Felicia makes to point out the assault to all the witnesses. Lynette gets called down to the school: apparently big P has been playing "Let's Make a Deal" with a classmate, trying to swap gingersnaps for a peek at what's under the girl's pinafore. Lynette tries to talk her son through the birds and the bees, but she's a little vague on some of the details, which leads a still-curious P to proposition Mrs. McCluskey. So Lynette sidesteps the problem by distracting P with...a new puppy. And in other "ill-advised adoption" news: Gabby and Carlos get temporary custody of the stripper's baby, but the baby seems to do this weird crying thing, like in the middle of the night, et cetera? Carlos refuses to get a nanny, so Gabby dumps the kid on Xiao Mei the Money. To "thank" her (i.e., to keep the maid from telling Carlos), Gabby gives Money a gift certificate for a day at the spa. But then, whoops, Gabby forgets about spa day and heads off for lunch with Bree, assuming that Money is home to watch over the baby. When Bree just so happens to mention that she saw Gabby's maid at the spa, Gabby races home, cuddles her totally fine and not-even-crying baby Lily, and decides right then and there that she's going do whatever it takes to be a good mother, even if it means doing yoga with Lily in a sling. Bree (walking hand in hand with Hempy) arrives at court, ready to do battle with Andrew, but surprise! Bree's stepmother and dad (Carol Burnett and Beverly Hills Cop's Lt. Bogomil) are there to meet them. Bree's dad (who is a long-time lawyer) talks to the judge and gets the case postponed with hopes that all three generations can sit down, hash things out, and avoid public scandal. But when the family intervention descends into Bree and Andrew spitting out each other's nice, long, laundry lists of wrongs, Bogomil and wife decide to take Andrew home with them. Justin, who is devastated by the news of Andrew's departure, teams up with Bree, and together they cook up a plan to keep Andrew at home: they plant a box of leather-daddy porn in with Andrew's possessions, and Bree makes sure her parents see it. Fearing the even bigger scandal of a gay grandson, the Bogomils take off, sans Andrew. With eyes pried open by her parents' homophobia, plus a new understanding Justin's love for her son, Bree invites Justin over for dinner and a massive, massive pie, aw. Completely missing in action? Tom, Danielle and the Applewrongs. I guess they all took off for a week at Sandals together.
Before we get started, I want to pause for a moment to introduce a new feature: it's called the Inexplicably Missing In Action Review, and it's a quick rundown of all the characters whom you probably were expecting to see in the episode, especially those whose storylines supposedly lie at the very core of this season's (supposed) big mystery, yet still they are nowhere to be found. This week's IMIAR includes: Danielle, Tom, all three Applewrongs, and (aside from a short, short appearance right at the beginning) Hempy. So you can stop looking around for them in every scene, your eyes, at first, bright with eager expectation, then slowly fading to confusion, to irritation, to disgust. Just my little way of helping you manage your expectations downward.
Okay, everyone with me? Then, let's MAVO. This week she starts out by introducing us to a one Mrs. Pate, played by Amy Hill (who, according to IMDB, has been in every single show ever made, including Andy Richter Controls the Universe). Mrs. Pate is a teacher. She is also a master of manipulation and control, as demonstrated by the ruler she slaps into her palm like a cop with a billy club. MAVO: "As a teacher, she had found that the best way to control unruly students was to instill a strong sense of shame...in their parents." You can almost hear MAVO's eyebrow arching archly. We flashback to Mrs. Pate, browbeating parent after parent, each in turn cringing and wilting under the heated guilt of having raised such inferior stock: one little girl destroyed the class hamster "Patches," one brought in his dad's Nazi memorabilia for show and tell, wow, and another has been beating up kids for their "milk money" (does such a thing really exist anymore, school milk sales?). Back in the now, Mrs. Pate sits down with Lynette. MAVO gushes, "Of course, Mrs. Pate also knew that when it came to unruly children, some parents had more reason to be ashamed...than others." Is this the same singsong that Mary Alice used for her inside voice? If so, there really wasn't much to the mystery of why she blew her brains out. Lynette has been called in for this particular parent-teacher conference because of a very "serious incident": apparently Parker offered "a cookie to Cindy Lou Peeples if she would show him her VAGINA." Now. Before I even take on the VAGINA part, first let me pause to discuss "Cindy Lou Peeples," lest I risk the wrath of the many giddy people who posted on the forums and emailed me directly about the matter. Now hear this: yes, Cindy Lou Peeples is a shout-out to The Golden Girls, specifically the double episode "Home Again Rose," in which the Girls crash a high school reunion, and DoroMaude randomly puts on the nametag for a one "Cindy Lou Peeples," and then she wins the Queen of the Reunion Award, or something. And finally, the reason for the Golden shout-out, assuming a person needs such a thing, is that Marc Cherry got his start writing for the Girls. Okay, with the crazed Golden Girls fans (and they are legion) now sated, back to the Cindy Lou cookie VAGINA incident.
So Mrs. Hate has just revealed to Lynette that Porter was trying to use a cookie to pave his way to some VAGINA ("VAGINA" being a word that is always, always funny...except, of course, in monologue form). Lynette pauses painfully for six or seven beats, and then she says, "What kind of cookie?" Ha! Mrs. Hate, all confused, asks what the brand of cookie has to do with Parker's VAGINA obsession. Lynette: "Oh, it doesn't. I'm just stalling." And yet...it totally matters! What if it were one of those hateful office-gift shortbread cookies that are shaped like a pretzel? I wouldn't even turn around for one of those, let alone flash my VAGINA. Lynette tells Mrs. Hate how "completely mortified" she is. Mrs. Hate explains that it didn't actually progress as far as it could, because the "janitor walked in on them just as Cindy was lifting up her pinafore." Oh. It must have been the right kind of cookie. Mrs. Hate mentions how "obsessive" P can be, and Lynette eagerly agrees, and cites his once-deep love for dinosaurs. Mrs. Hate: "Oh yes, we all remember his Dinosaur phase, now more fondly than ever." Ha ha! Mrs. Hate sternly lectures Lynette about how she, as a mother, has to sternly lecture P about what's "appropriate." Lynette nods and shuffles and embarrassingly scuttles wee, wee, wee, all the way home. MAVO says something piquant about the power of shame, and then we flash forward to Mrs. Pate, telling a "Mrs. Peeples" that she'll "never guess what [her] daughter is willing to do for a gingersnap." Oh yeah, Gingersnaps are pretty good. I've done more for less.
After breaking for credits, MAVO takes us to court: apparently it's been six weeks since Andrew "declared war" on Bree. Son and mother exchange chilly stares down the hallway of the Fairview County Courthouse. MAVO tells us how Bree knew things were fixing to "get bloody," and we close-up on Bree's hand, which she stretches out to her side until a man hand slips into her grip, and gives a squeeze. Hey, it's Hempy, and he's wearing a suit! Unbelievably enough, it seems that Bree's drunk and needy performance from last week totally worked. Hempy is back in the saddle again, despite all his many firm and clear declarations that it was imperative, for the health of his own recovery as a sex addict, that he steer clear of Bree. It sure is nice to see that drunken manipulation still ensnares the gents.
MAVO oozes that the "cavalry" is here: it's Bree's stepmother, "Eleanor," played by the inimitable Carol Burnett -- who, according to IMDB, is turning 73 this week, wow. Looking good Carol! Especially in that hot pink pencil-skirted dress, matching ultra-pointy pumps, and fitted white and pink jacket, with huge pink lapel flower (plus pearls). Bree, who is clearly less than thrilled, leans in for a stunned greeting hug. Why is The Big Pink here? Apparently, sneaky Danielle called the grandparents to let them know about today's emancipation trial. Without pausing to let Bree speak, Eleanor leans over and introduces herself to Hempy, whom she mistakes as Bree's lawyer. Hempy clarifies that he's not actually Bree's lawyer, and Eleanor, with oily cheer, says, "Gooood. The [long, hempy] hair had me worried." Andrew walks up, and smugly explains that Hempy is actually Bree's "sponsor from AA." Eleanor gives Andrew a huge, pink hug, then that "AA" comment sinks in, and she turns to Bree, disturbed: "Since when are you in AA?" Bree brushes the Q aside, and asks where her father is. Eleanor, with a "but of course" kind of tone, explains that dad is "in chambers with the judge." As Bree stumbles to wrap her recently sober mind around this tidbit, Beverly Hills Cop's Lt. Bogamil erupts from chambers, cheerful with the news that he's managed to get his old friend the judge to push back the court date. Karl arrives, introduces himself as Bree's lawyer, and politely explains to Bogamil that they've actually been "waiting for this hearing for weeks." Bogamil, who is obviously not at all used to being second-guessed or questioned in any way, explains that his forty-five years of experience as an attorney have taught him how cases such as these can "turn into public spectacles," and that the Bogamil clan is "perfectly capable of handling this in-house." Bree tells her father that he doesn't know how "ugly" things have become, but Bogamil just pulls Andrew in for a hug, and tells Andrew that's why he and the Big Pink are there: to put their Humpty Dumpty family back together again. And "Axl's Theme" swells!
From the trial that never was, we cut over to Gabby, Carlos, and their gigantic infant, who are having their day in court. (Did anybody see the original Danish mini-series The Kingdom, where one of the signs that the baby belonged to Satan was that it was far too large to be a human baby? Just a thought, you know, maybe stick a sticky on that!) TG Sleazy is doing their lawyering, trying to explain that when Gabby and Carlos did indeed steal the baby from the hospital, they were only doing so because they wanted to get the baby out of the way of all that harmful white trash. Judge Grimshaw, stripping away all the fancy talk: "You mean they kidnapped her." TG Sleazy, smiling ingratiatingly, admits that the Solises' plan was "a little bit rash" and "not entirely well thought out..." Judge, interrupting: "Idiotic?" Gabby whisper-asks Carlos whether they can't object to that, and Carlos shushes her. Sleazy finishes up his sleazing with an impassioned plea about how, all kidnapping aside, the Solises simply want to keep hugging and loving on baby "Lily." Judge, with low-key sarcasm: "As much as your story tugs at my heart, there is the issue of parental rights." On behalf of the State, a mousy lawyer stands and states that they have, in fact, managed to track down the bio-father; unfortunately he's out of town, in Fort Lauderdale. Judge: "On business?" Mousy state lawyer: "Spring Break, actually." Apparently, Lily's natural father is still in high school. Judge: "Charming. In between keg stands, did the father happen to mention if he plans to waive parental rights?' Turns out bio-dad sent a "text message" to the lawyer, which is hilarious. The lawyer paraphrases party-daddy's message to the courtroom: "This blows his mind and he's extremely 'bummed out.'" The judge shakes his head and sighs, and reluctantly awards temporary custody to the Solises (whom he describes as the "lesser of two evils"), but only until they can "get a straight answer out of the birth father." In the meantime, the judge warns Gabby and Carlos to please not kidnap any more babies. Gabby, brightly: "Oh, we just needed the one!" The judge fires a look at her over his spectacles, and Gabby smiles nervously. Yeah, pretty idiotic.
And now for the Great Gingersnatch Confrontation. Lynette sits down to Parker, who's busy coloring at the coffee table. For some clearly non-accidental reason, Lynette is working on a full glass of wine in this scene. And while, granted, maybe she needs a little Dutch courage to see her through the big vagina talk, it is a little weird in light of all the brouhaha over Bree drinking while baby-sitting the Scavo Ps. Lynette tells Parker that she knows about the Cindy Lou "cookie deal," and the little Cookie Monster looks fantastically guilty. He cringingly asks whether Lynette's mad. Lynette laughs; no, she's not mad, she just wants to know why he..."did that." Parker whines that some kid named Tommy at school told him that "babies come from there," which he feels "doesn't sound right." Lynette reluctantly admits that the general concept is pretty right on. Parker, kind of grossed out: "That's weird. How's a BABY get in there?" And I must confess, I'm thirty-five and I still find the whole VAGINA-to-baby ratio fantastically clown car-ish (especially the Gabloses' new gigantica baby). Lynette takes a big breath, like maybe she's going to do some real parenting here, but then, with her sloshing wine-glass hand, she points at Parker, and tells him to hold his Qs until daddy Tom makes his way home from his business trip. Parker agrees without protest, and Lynette takes a swig of wine. But then, after Parker colors a bit, he has a brainstorm: "OR...I could ask Tommy's brother: he's fourteen, and he knows everything." Since when did Parker start looking like Alfred E. Neuman? Is that a side effect of the VAGINA obsession? Lynette stares at him in horror for a few seconds.
Cut to Lynette, sitting on the floor to Parker. She's drawn some stick figures, which she's now using as her anatomy models: "And then the mommy and the daddy, because they love each other so much, they HUG, real TIGHT, and a seed is magically implanted. And nine months later, a baby is born." Tada! Parker, looking very suspicious, wonders, "What kind of seed?" Lynette brushes him off, claiming it's "not important." Parker: "I don't believe you." Lynette indignantly reminds him that she's his mother, and that mothers don't lie. He keeps staring at her suspiciously until Lynette nudges him with her elbow, and tells him it's time for him to go wash his hands, "or Santa's not going to bring [him] anything for Christmas." But...! She just...! Oh, parenting: so ripe for irony.
Susan, looking like hell reheated, knocks frantically on Edie's door. Karl -- who, on the other hand, looks fresh and super-cut -- answers the door wearing nothing but a towel. Apparently, Susan just saw Edie leave, so she raced over to babble-screech at Karl for "mauling [her] in Edie's bed last night." Wait a second, last night? That is so not possible. First of all, if the engagement party was just last night, then where is the cane that Susan was hobbling around on so ridiculously? Also, Carlos and Gabby were at that engagement party when they had to take off to go see their baby get delivered. So that means the stripper delivered her baby, the Gabloses kidnapped said baby, the Gabloses got caught for the kidnapping, and then they went to court and were awarded temporary custody, all in less than twenty-four hours. Oh Fairview. Karl: "What's there to talk about? I'm just a fool in love." Susan flaps her arms and caws. Karl admits that maybe his "timing is a little off," and one of Susan's flappers bumps into a balloon that's limply floating in the living room, and she crows that indeed his timing is off: "The helium hasn't even gone out of the balloons from his engagement party!" Susan sighs to the couch, and asks when Karl's going to announce to Edie that the wedding is off. Karl asks her if it really is, Susan asks him if it really is, and they go back and forth, snappy-'30s-dialogue-style, until finally it dawns on Susan that Karl won't call off his marriage to Edie unless Susan gives him the green light. Karl: "Just give me a commitment, Susie Q, and I'll put a bullet in Edie." Ew...that isn't the nicest term for that? Susan calls Karl's reasoning "insane," and he opens his arms wide, all the better for Susan to feast her eyes on his manly vista, as he tells her that "all this could be [hers] again." All Susan has to do? Karl: "Say the word [he moves to undo his towel], and I let go." Susan drops one of her patented "Don't you dare!" speeches. Karl laughs evilly, and Susan shrews that he's "sick" and stomps out. It's sad how fast Karl went from mildly likeable all the way back to mondo repulsive. It's times like these that I kind of can't stand Desperate Housewives; it's like a fancy car being driven by someone who just cannot drive stick. The show has this fleet of amazing actors and toothsome plot beginnings but then it totally undercuts it all via unnecessary character sabotage and poorly considered timelines. Dumb!
And just when I get to hating this show, they throw in a zany pratfall: CreePaul goes to leave his house and does a total cartoon-banana-peel slip and cracks his lower back soundly on the flagstones. And, try as I might to hold onto my pout, I laugh. Dear Excruciating, Cracked-Ass Pain in Others: You sure are hilarious. Dear Desperate Housewives: Damn you! Why won't you let me hate you? Slowly, CreePaul creaks himself into a sitting position, and as he does, he notices that his stoop is covered in some kind of slick substance. Just then, crazy Felicia calls out from her post in front of her house: "Paaaaaul?" And she really does sound shrewish and nuts, and about ten times louder than she needs to be, considering that she's standing like twenty feet away, max. Felicia is also stirring up some cookie dough in a bowl. Still sounding kind of dazed, CreePaul tells her that "there's shortening on [his] doorstep." And I know I've said this so many times before, but..."and not in a sexy way." Felicia: "SHORTENING! THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU'D WANT ON YOUR PORCH. IT'S MEANT FOR BAKING!" CreePaul gives Felicia's cookie-dough-stirring arm a sharp look. Once it's clear he's caught her drift (i.e. she's the one who greased up his entryway, so filthy), she smiles hugely at him, and heads back inside. Just imagine how much VAGINA Felicia will be able to buy with all those cookies.
Susan, Bree, and Lynette are over at Gabby's. (Wait, if Tom's away on "business," then who's monitoring the Ps?) The ladies are cooing over baby Lily (named after Gabby's grandmother), and sympathizing with how very tired Gabby must be (yeah, she's pretty tired). Lynette comforts Gabby by telling her that Lily will probably start sleeping through the night in a few months. Gabby: "Oh honey, please, do I look like a masochist? The first thing tomorrow, I'm hiring a nanny and a night nurse." Carlos, who's drinking a beer and shoving burrito into his mouth over in the corner, growls that they'll be doing nothing of the sort. The ladies stand there, looking uncomfortable, and Gabby barks out a fake laugh, and introduces Carlos as "[her] husband, the comedian." Carlos frowns, and tells her that he's "serious": he doesn't want some stranger raising their baby. The ladies try to make a mass exit, but Gabby mutters to them, "No, it's okay, I'll win this battle later." Carlos, all mad now: "We are not going to be some yuppie couple, pawning off our kid onto other people, end of discussion." And again I ask, who is watching yuppie Lynette's kids? Gabby to the ladies (but without moving her mad eyes off Carlos): "Yeah, you should go." The ladies scurry out while Gabby stands there, giving Carlos the hairy. Fight, fight, fight!
Gabby marches over to Carlos and says, "Put. Down. The. Burrito." Which is funny? Then she fires off some hot-pepper Qs about what, exactly, Carlos means by "this crap" about how she's going to have to take care of her baby, unassisted. Carlos crabs that babies need to bond with their mothers: "The church knows it, science knows it, nature knows it." Let me get this straight: all this time, Carlos has been saying he wants a baby, but what he really wanted was to stick his wife with a baby? Gabby argues that if she's properly rested and relaxed, she's going to make a better mother. Carlos, standing up, and yelling now: "You want to be a better mother? Do what my mama did: make sacrifices. My mama worked her fingers to the bone for me!" Gabby: "And that's what put her in an early grave!" Huh? Gabby marches off, and Carlos stares after her, nonplussed. As an afterthought, she turns back around and clarifies lamely, "Well...that and the whole hit-and-run thing." We hang on their reaction shots (Carlos=puzzled, Gabby=cringed) just a little too long here, making it seem like something important just went down. Wait, I kind of don't get it: was that supposed to be, like, a slip-up? As in, did Gabby just accidentally reveal that she knows the real reason Mama Solis got hit and run over? I guess if you call snapping photos of her son's wife having sex with a teenaged gardener as a way of working "fingers to the bone"? But the connection is a too oblique to be incriminating. Now I=puzzled, too.
Down at the House of Awkward Intervention, Bree, Andrew, Eleanor, and Bogamil are sitting around the table, sipping coffee. Bogamil is laying down the law: he doesn't care who did what to whom, but now it's time for Andrew and Bree to "kiss and make up." He proposes that they do so by implementing a technique from a "Dutch therapist" he saw on television, whose whole theory is that if people "verbalize forgiveness, the brain can trick the heart into letting go of resentment." Eleanor chimes in that the approach worked really well for her and her "cleaning lady." Bree tries to beg off, claiming that her problems with Andrew are perhaps a tad more complicated, but Bogamil interrupts to guilt her: "Would it kill you to at least try?" Andrew, playing the part of a baby angel, enthusiastically volunteers, effectively cornering Bree. So she agrees to make up, Dutch-style. Andrew and Bree exchange pledges of forgiveness with the forced delivery of a Welch's Juice kid; then they just keep staring at each other with huge, soul-eating smiles plastered across their lying faces. Bogamil smiles hugely, and tells them that they might not feel it right away. Eleanor: "It took me a week to forgive Esperanza." Bogamil: "But now she's like family again." Eleanor, from behind her coffee cup: "Family who stole from us." Bogamil lets that slide, since he's so happy that now they can put all the "nonsense about emancipation" behind them. As it dawns on him that he's no longer in the money, Andrew starts to look uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Bree is all glee. Andrew stutters that he's still going to need access to his trust fund, because he can't keep on living in a house where he doesn't "feel safe." Bogamil is confused, so Andrew spells it out for Gramps: "Well, could you live with a woman who hits you?" Bree slams down her coffee cup and explains that it was just one slap, and that "he deserved it." Andrew, in his very best manipulation voice: "I just asked her to stop drinking." Bogamil is question marks. Eleanor elucidates that Bree's actually in AA, and that"her sponsor has long hair." Bree: "Andrew, I find your concern ironic, given how tanked you were when you ran over our neighbor's mother with your car." Yes, finally that comes out! Eleanor, all concerned and confused: "Is she okay?" Bree, with sinister glee: "She's dead!" Light 'em up, Bree! Andrew desperately counters with the tidbit about how Bree watched the suicide of George -- who, incidentally, was the same guy who "killed Dad." Hey, why weren't the Bogamils at Rex's funeral, anyway? Bree, her voice up in the rafters: "Andrew falsely accused me of molestation! In a MALL." Wheeee! Andrew and Bree seethe with arms crossed, and Bogamil mutters something about how the "technique works best if you don't talk right away."
Karl has sent Susan a bunch of red roses, and Julie is not amused. With obvious displeasure, Julie reads the note that came with the flowers: "Say the word, and I am yours. Karl." Susan tries to pretend that the feelings are only on Karl's side, and Julie performs a classic "Yeah, right" eye-roll, and tells Susan that she's not going to go to the movies with her. Susan is sad that she has to go alone. Julie: "You could always ask Dad to go. In fact, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him? Oh right, you already did. TWICE!" Zing!
At the movies, Susan has lined herself up with a huge barrel of popcorn and a silo of soda. When who walks in? Mike, on a date with some blonde woman. Susan desperately tries to hide behind her popcorn, but when she hears Mike's date send him back to get napkins, Susan leaps from her seat, and scuttles over to Kyle MacLachlan (yes, from Twin Peaks, but also, and far more importantly, The Hidden!), who's sitting alone three seats away. Susan to Kyle: "My ex-boyfriend's here, if he sees me alone, I'll die. Please act like you know me!" Because nothing makes you want to die more than demonstrating that you are mature and secure enough to sit alone in the movies. You know what would make me want to die? Having to ask a stranger to pretend to by my boyfriend. Susan is an idiot. Unfortunately, Kyle goes along with the ruse, and when Susan pathetically tries to introduce Mike to her "date," Kyle jumps into action and introduces himself; his name, semi-hilariously enough, is Orson. Then, taking his role very seriously, he pushes it one step further and adds, "Wow, I can't believe I'm finally seeing the man himself, in the flesh." Mike catches Susan looking confused, and he bemusedly asks Orson how he and Susan met. And Orson jumps right in: "I've been her dentist for years, but last week, I was looking in her mouth, and I decided to stick my tongue in it." Susan laughs a startled laugh, like maybe she suspects (as I very much do) that she might have joined forces with a nutjob on this little caper. And really, wouldn't it be kind of satisfying if, this time, Susan's favorite trick of throwing herself at the mercy of some random guy backfired, and she found herself embroiled with a fantastically evil dentist? And then she finally, finally learned that sometimes a lady is much better off alone? Especially after the dark dentist had replaced all that lady's teeth with, say, a full set of canine canines? You guys have my back on this one, right? Mike leaves, and Susan gratefully thanks Orson, and they exchange some witty banter until his actual date arrives, oops. Susan mutters something about how she's just going to "wait till the lights go down, then [leave]." I wonder what Mike's going to think when the lights come back up, and Orson the dentist is sitting there with another woman? Great plan, Susan. Dog teeth! The woman needs a set of dog teeth, stat.
CreePaul is out in front of his house, stoking up the barbecue. He squirts on some lighter fluid, clicks his little kitchen lighter, and an INFERNO erupts, nearly knocking CreePaul off his feet. Apparently "someone" has replaced his lighter fluid with gasoline. Felicia, who's conveniently out in front of her house, raking leaves (she is now dedicating herself to tormenting the Youngs 24/7, I guess), smiles hugely at Zana and CreePaul, and waves. "Somethin' smells good over there," she yells, and then laughs at her own creepiness. Zana doesn't get it; is Felicia trying to kill CreePaul? "No," CreePaul says, "she's trying to piss me off." But CreePaul isn't going to let Felicia get his goat. "Got plenty of burgers if you want to pop over," he yells across to her, "and bring your appetite!" Felicia smiles, and rakes, and smiles like the vortex of insanity that she truly is. Huh, I know that they're sworn enemies, and CreePaul killed Felicia's sister and everything, but maybe they should bury the hatchet, together, in bed?
Casa Infantus Giganticus. It's the middle of the night, and the baby is crying. Gabby and Carlos argue over who's going to get up and deal with things. Carlos bitches that he has a number of job interviews tomorrow and needs his rest, which on one hand is pretty reasonable, and yet...if that's the case, maybe he shouldn't have been so quick to prevent Gabby from hiring a nanny? At least until they could settle into a routine and Carlos was on more of a predictable schedule? Gabby and Carlos bicker and bicker, until finally he snaps that with Xiao Mei the Money doing all the housework, Gabby's only real responsibility is to take care of the baby. Gabby yells "fine" a bunch of times, and then she gets the baby, and takes her into Money's room. With a promise that Money won't have to "do windows" tomorrow if she'll just look after the baby tonight, Gabby crawls into Money's bed, tells Money not to breathe a word of this to Carlos, and closes her eyes. A terrified Money starts to sing softly to the baby, and Gabby irritably snaps at Money to take the show downstairs. Gabby is an awesome mom.
And speaking of going downstairs, Bree...walks downstairs to find Eleanor sitting in the living room, doing her hair. More specifically, she's combing and spraying the red wig that's sitting on a styling head on the table, which is more than a little weird. Oh, just Eleanor and her head, sitting in the darkened living room together, like Bobby Hill and his plastic white female head/girlfriend. Bree sits down, and without the sugar-coating of a preamble, Eleanor informs her stepdaughter that she and Gramps (Bogamil, not the grooming head) are taking Andrew back to Rhode Island with them, per Andrew's request. Bree puts her foot down, and Eleanor, with syrupy sincerity, compliments Bree on her long-standing stubbornness: "When you were a kid, you used to make these peanut butter cookies that were god-awful. But you kept baking them. And you kept forcing everyone to eat them." Bree, with a shark's smile, informs Eleanor that her real mother loved those cookies. Eleanor: "Well, some people praise children even when they don't deserve it." Bree faux-gushes that Eleanor never gave false praise. Eleanor, absently fluffing her wig head with a pick, says that Bree just always resented her for her "high standards." Bree: "No, I resented you because those were kick-ass peanut butter cookies." Eleanor brings the conversation back to what they're really talking about: she looks Bree right in the eye and tells her that they're still going to take Andrew. Bree, who's upset now, begs Eleanor not to take him, but Eleanor says, "He hates you, Bree. Your own son." And then she tells Bree that "part of being an adult is admitting that you failed, and then moving on with grace." Bree, sad, sad, so sad: "Do you really think that I'm a failure as a parent?" Eleanor: "I'd love to lie and say something supportive, but as you pointed out, that was more your mother's thing." Wow, happy birthday, Carol Burnett!
Gabby comes downstairs to find Money with her head down on the table, totally asleep. At the sound of Gabby calling her name, Money leaps into action and starts madly scrubbing the table. Gabby nicely tells Money that she understands the sleeping on the job, what with staying up all night with the baby. And to show how much she appreciates it, Gabby's purchased Money an all-day pass at the local spa. Money is ecstatic, and she bows and says "thank you" over and over. Gabby smiles and then brusquely tells Money that Lily needs to be bathed and put to bed. Gabby picks up Lily, and coos at her that "Mommy has to go so she can stay pretty and thin so you can be proud of her!" And then she hands Lily off to Money, and smarmily says, "Motherhood is such a blessing. I hope you get to experience it some day," and then she takes off for yoga, leaving a bummed Money in her wake.
Bree is puttering in the living room, wearing a dynamite matching double-layer royal blue v-neck with a fitted grey kick-pleat skirt, when she hears a bunch of screaming coming form outside. She peeks out the window, and sees Andrew behind the wheel a fancy silver old man's car. (It's too soon for his trust fund to have come through, so I guess Bogamil loaned him the car.) Justin is screaming about how far away Rhode Island really is, and whether Andrew even cares. Andrew peels out, leaving sad Justin in the dust. Bree comes outside and, in a voice full of truly sincere concern, asks Justin what just happened. Justin tearfully explains how Andrew just informed him of his big move, and Bree primly sympathizes with him, saying she knows what "good friends" the two of them are. Justin, all choked up: "We're more than friends, Mrs. Van de Kamp, I love him." Bree says "Oh." And then she looks thoughtful for a second, and she adds, "Why?" Ha, good point. Why would anyone love Andrew? Justin explains that when he told his own parents he was gay, they were ashamed of him, and they kicked him out of the house. Well, when that happened, Andrew told Justin that he was the one who should be ashamed of his family, not the other way around, and that Justin's parents were just "too stupid to know how great [Justin] was." A look of dawning understanding creeps across Bree's face. Justin: "That's the thing about Andrew: he doesn't take crap from anyone. How could you not love someone like that?" Bree, with ironic denial of her own history with homophobia, says, "You know, it never ceases to amaze me how people can turn their backs on their own family." Then Bree asks Justin whether he's willing to help her out with a plan she's cooking up to keep Andrew in town. Yay, teamwork!
Mrs. McCluskey is sitting on the Scavos' couch, sucking on a Fudgsicle, when Lynette comes home from work. McCluskey reports on how the sitting went: Penny's fussed over the pain of her erupting molars; the twins battled over the remote; oh, and Parker offered her a Fudgsicle if she'd show him her vagina. Lynette takes in the sight of the Fudgsicle that Mrs. McCluskey is currently working, and she nearly passes out. McCluskey rolls her eyes, and tells Lynette that she didn't actually take Parker up on the deal! She got the ice cream bar out of the fridge herself just a few minutes ago. Lynette is visibly relieved, but she still looks shaken -- imagining a neighbor's seventy-something-year-old vagina can do that to a person. Mrs. McC: "Apparently Parker wanted to put a sunflower seed inside me to see if a baby would grow. Where do kids get this stuff?" Lynette groans, and fesses up that the seed thing was her idea -- that she "fudged a few of the details," so as not to rob Parker of his seven-year-old's "innocence." Mrs. McC: "Well, that's where you're wrong. You get 'em when they're young, you give them all the gory details, and when they're good and disgusted, you shame them...Tell him sex is dirty and wrong, and he shouldn't talk about because if he does, he's going straight to hell." Lynette is not at all into this approach; in fact, she thinks it's "ridiculous." Mrs. McC: "Spoken like a true liberal idiot." Ha. Mrs. McC picks up her purse, and tiredly explains that the whole shaming thing really works: it keeps kids in their place, it keeps parents from mortal embarrassment, and it keeps someone like her from having to "spend the afternoon talking about [her] woo-woo." Whoa.
Dentist Orson rings the door at Susan's; she left her wallet behind while beating her shame-hastened retreat from the theater. He charmingly (yet not without a lingering hint of hidden darkness?) tells her he slipped his card inside the wallet, on the off chance she might some day want to sit to him in a movie theater on purpose. Susan coos how flattered she is, but she waves him off, claiming that her "love life is so complicated right now" that he truly wouldn't want to get involved. More to the point, what about the other woman he was dating? Susan: "Well, I won't bore you with the details."
Cut to Orson and Susan, sitting at her table, sipping tea. Orson is summarizing all he's learned so far: "So the ex-boyfriend has no idea that you're secretly married to the ex-husband, who still loves you, but, unless you give him a reason not to, is going to marry the neighborhood slut." Well, when you put it that way, Susan sounds like kind of a mess. Susan clarifies that by "slut," what she actually meant was that Edie is "popular with...indiscriminate men." Then she does a long preamble of babble about how, seeing as she can tell Orson anything since she'll probably never see him again, and so on and so on and so on, she can safely reveal this unpleasant fact: she actually still has feelings for Karl. Way! Orson asks whether she wants his "unvarnished opinion," and indeed she does. He tells her that she's a "sucker": "This Karl's a coward. He wants you to be the heavy, and take all the responsibility. If you're having feelings for a guy like that, I say run." You tell her, Orson. He gets up to leave, but first he tells her, "If you're still interested in a 'tooth whitening,' my card is in your wallet." And maybe that's all he's offering, literally just his services as a dental pro, but the way he eyes her as he leaves, it makes me think (or maybe just hope) that we haven't seen the last of Kyle on Wisteria Lane. Though, how big an idiot could a man be, to still be interested in Susan after listening to her whole crazy love saga? Mork Calling Orson, Come in, Orson?
Gabby's running late to meet Bree for lunch, so she races down the stairs, still wiggling her earrings into place, and calls out to Money that she's leaving, and that she'll be back in a little while. Without bothering to get a visual on Xiao Mei, Gabby takes off. Hmm, methinks this will end in tears. The fat, wet tears of an oversized infant left unattended!
Down at the restaurant, Bree's already seated, and she's wearing the same blue and grey outfit from before. Gabby flutters into her seat, and apologizes for being late. Then they make chitchat for a few minutes until Bree conveniently works in a reference to Gabby's maid, who apparently Bree just left at the spa. After a few seconds of confusion, Gabby pieces it together: today is the day of Money's all-day spa treatment, meaning Gabby has left her baby at home, completely unattended!
Cut to Gabby's sporty sports car taking one of Wisteria's corners at, like, 70 MPH. As the "watch out, abandoned infant" music burbles gaily, Gabby tears upstairs, screaming "Mommy's coming!" Turns out giant baby Lily is just lying peacefully there in her bassinet, which is either very lucky...or the soothing effects of the blood of Satan that she may or may not have coursing through her. Gabby coos how sorry she is, and kisses the huge devil baby again and again.
Later, Carlos arrives home unexpectedly because his "interview got cancelled." So does this mean this is the day after Carlos and Gabby fought over who would get up to attend this baby? Or maybe this is just another round of interviews. Whichever! Gabby is upstairs doing yoga with Lily cradled in a sling. Carlos offers to take the baby, but Gabby refuses, and Carlos looks all happy, mistaking the sweaty clinginess that comes from great disaster narrowly averted for the beautiful and natural bonding of a mother and child.
Susan struts into a ballroom decorated with blue and white balloons and a huge banner reading "Happy Bar Mitzvah, Neil." Karl is there, listening to the band play, and he rushes over to her and says, "Bridezilla's got me auditioning wedding bands." Ugh, poor Edie. Karl asks Susan what she thinks of the band, and Susan stares at him like he's gone crazy: she thought there was some kind of emergency? Susan turns to go, but Karl grabs her, insisting that there totally is an emergency: "I need to have somebody to dance with, so I can see if these guys have the power to help me get my groove on." Karl does some embarrassing dad dancing, and Susan stands there, huffing. Karl signals to the band, and they immediately downshift into "You Are So Beautiful." Susan, giving him a look: "That was not a coincidence." He shrugs, spins her around, and makes crush-eyes at her while he says, "This was playing the night we first kissed; it's our song. Remember?" Susan in fact does remember. And you know what else she remembers? Edie. Susan says she keeps trying to figure out whether Karl's really changed, but really he's just that "same weak coward who walked out on [her] three years ago." In Susan's very own first act as a grownup, she turns, and walks out that door.
Early morning. CreePaul is asleep in bed until some sort of disturbing flapping noise outside his window wakes him up. He and Zana, wearing their cute little matching jim-jams, stumble outside, and discover that exterminators have tented their house. Felicia appears in her slippers and robe, and she pretends to be embarrassed about lining up the men with deadly gases with the wrong address (but really if she thought exterminators were coming, she wouldn't be still wearing her sleep gear, so it's all clearly a ruse). At this point, CreePaul totally snaps. He gets right up in Felicia's face and yells, "These little mind games are going to stop RIGHT NOW!" Felicia leans in, and very, very softly -- so softly that neither the exterminators nor the gathering crowd of neighbors can hear -- she says, "What are you going to do, blow out your brains like your wife did?" At that, Creeps totally loses it: he grabs Felicia by her collar, and shake-shake-shakes her. And she plays it up for all she's worth. Once the exterminators manage to get Paul away from her, she says to the gathered crowd, "Did you hear that? He assaulted me!" So that was her plan? Riding and riding him until he attacked her? Somehow that's a little cruder than what I've come to expect from Felicia.
Woo-Woo HQ. Lynette is trying to make Parker understand that there are just things, things like VAGINAS, that he shouldn't talk about in polite company. Parker: "Why?" Lynette explains that it's "rude." Parker just keeps hammering at her with the "Why?"s, until finally she reaches her boiling point, and says, "Because-it's-dirty-and-wrong-and-I'll-wash-your-mouth-out-with-soap-that's-WHY!" Oh Lynette, will you never learn? You always pretend to be so put off by Mrs. McCluskey's advice (just like with the whole "dropping the kids off on the side of the road" scenario), but eventually you end up doing exactly what the old woman says. Lynette looks disgusted with herself, while Parker looks like a just-clubbed baby seal. Blink, blink. MAVO: "In that moment, Lynette saw a look on her son's face she had never seen before." Then, in rhythm with a series of flashbacks, MAVO describes the totally happy and excited face that Parker had when he discovered dinosaurs, then baseball, then trains. In short, it turns out that she didn't need to shame Parker, she just needed to line him up with a "brand-new obsession."
Cut to Parker, cradling a new baby...PUPPY! Just what the Scavos need: another chaotic element that requires looking after by someone other than the parents, who both work.
Susan answers the door. It's a hangdog Karl. He just stopped by to let her know that he finally broke things off with Edie, and he totally didn't do it for Susan (Susan's face saddens just a shade over this news, even though it's exactly what she told him she wanted); he did it for his new, not-at-all-cowardly self. Karl solemnly admits that he had no business even considering marrying Edie when he knows "what real passion and real love feels like." Hoo boy, Susan's in trouble. He turns to leave, and Susan is almost home free, but then she weakens, and invites him in for a "bottle of wine," which is tantamount to her saying "take off your pants," considering the fact that a split bottle of wine is the exact same way their last round of sexing got started. Rest in peace, Susan's fledgling maturity. Rest in peace.
Bree brings down the last of Andrew's things, and hands the box to her father to tape up. Since the box is wide open, Bogamil gets an eyeful of what's inside, and he picks up the top item: it's a video called Rods, and it's got a photo of a shirtless and very tan, muscular man on the front. The movie's tagline is "One hustler you'll WANT to catch." (By the way, I did a search for the movie, and while I couldn't find an exact match, I did find a DVD by the same name that apparently is about UFOs. So those of you who assumed the movie was pornographic should get your mind out of my dreams, and into my car.) Bogamil furrows in displeasure and confusion, and Bree snatches the movie from his hand, apologizing that it's "one of Andrew's adult videos," and that although she doesn't approve, "boys will be boys!" Especially very tan and muscular boys. Bogamil reaches into the box again, and picks up a magazine. Eleanor scolds him to "stop looking at that filth." Bogamil, thumbing through the magazine, totally consternated: "I don't get it; where are the woman? This is all just a bunch of...naked men." Eleanor comes over to take a closer look, then she covers her mouth, in aghastment. Bogamil stutters that he doesn't even know what he's looking at, and Eleanor prissily names it: it's "pornography for homosexuals." On cue, Bree returns to the room, and with her patented unflappable Bree cheer, she says, "I wish you hadn't gone through that [box]. Now we have to have an unpleasant conversation!" Bogamil, in the small voice of orphan Oliver asking for a second helping: "Bree, is Andrew...gaaaay?" Bree: "Dad, Andrew hates labels. I'm sure it's just a phase." Eleanor: "Excuse me, he has a magazine titled Leather Daddies in Love. That does not sound like a phase to me." (Note: I searched for that publication, too, and all links just point back to Desperate Housewives, so it appears that the title's still available, if you act now!) Bree points out that, phase or no phase, it really isn't Bree's problem anymore, since Andrew is moving in with her parents. Panicked, Eleanor calls Bogamil into the other room for a "serious talk," and Bree smiles hugely to herself.
Later, Bree's cooking at the stove (and wearing an insanely cute '50s pink-patterned apron) when Andrew comes home, and asks where his grandparents are; he's ready to start packing up the car. Bree tells him, in even, emotionless tones, that they took off already, but that they left him a letter. As Andrew picks up the envelope, Bree explains, with admirable cluelessness, "It seems they came across some personal items of yours that upset them." Andrew, reading: "They're taking away my trust fund?!" Somehow I always thought the trust fund was a byproduct of Rex's death? But maybe that's only because it was never really mentioned before then. In any case, getting your millions yanked over some porn that may or may not have been yours to begin with -- that's a setback worthy of Dynamite magazine's special "Bummers" section. Andrew, all freaked: "What am I supposed to do now?" Bree: "Well, now that you can't afford to become emancipated, I guess you're going to have to stay here with me." Andrew looks like he's been punched in the face, except we've seen what he looks like after he's been punched in the face, and he looks way more stunned in this scene. Bree turns, looks deep into his eyes, and tells Andrew that they can "make this work" if they just "let go of [their] anger." Andrew burps out a little, cornered "no," and turns to leave. Bree, with blinding brightness: "Oh! I had a chance to have a nice chat with Justin the other day. He really seems very sweet. I've invited him over to dinner tonight; I hope you don't mind." Andrew looks at her, and his face is such a turmoil of emotions, it's difficult to know exactly what he's feeling. Is he grateful that Bree has finally made a pro-gay gesture in his direction? Or is he mourning the loss of the hot sex that can only come from parental taboo? It's difficult to tell.
Susan and Karl are in bed, kissing and spooning in tipsy, post-coital bliss. Susan, smiling: "Now I wish I hadn't torched our wedding photos." Karl laughs, and keeps kissing her, and she says something philosophical about how crazy it is that things have wound up "back here again." Karl asks her how she feels about "us," and she giggles that she feels "good" and "happy." Uh oh, I feel a fall a-coming. Karl asks whether Susan's sure she's not having any "second thoughts," and she looks at him, amazed: "I can't believe you actually want to talk about feelings. You really have changed!" Uh oh cubed!
So the phone rings, and of course it's Edie, and of course she and Karl haven't exactly broken up yet. Oh, you know, Karl was just manipulating Susan into bed so that he could be sure of her feelings before he dumped Edie. (Hey, a friend and I were just talking about this phenomenon -- the burning need to know what the other person's feeling before you decide how you yourself feel, and how it's like going to Vegas, and yelling at the dealer, "Show me your cards!" before actually betting.) How is it that Karl's savvy enough to find a way into Susan's bed, but not quite smart enough to fix things so that Edie doesn't call over there directly afterward? So dumb. Anyway, Edie wants Karl to pick up a carton of juice, which Susan thinks is an odd request from a woman whom he just dumped. Predictably, Karl reveals that the breakup is actually more of a "work in progress." Susan: "She doesn't KNOW? ...That means that you just cheated on her, with ME! You made me the other woman!" Which is slightly funny, and complicated, considering that Susan and Karl are actually still married? Also, even if Karl and Edie had been broken up, sleeping with him just an hour after the deed had supposedly been done wasn't exactly classy. Karl: "Please don't be angry. I tried to break up with her, but because I wasn't sure you wanted me back; it just wouldn't come out of my mouth. But now that I know that you want me and love me again, it's a done deal!" Oh, Karl BAD!
Downstairs, Julie is sitting at the table as a shipment of Karl's clothing is hurtled down the stairs. Hey, does that mean Karl and Susan were having rollicking and drunk daytime sex with their teenaged daughter in the same house? That seems...ew. Susan and Karl stumble downstairs. Susan is yelling and yelling, and Karl is desperately trying to placate her. Julie, who is busy eating cereal, just rolls her eyes. Susan, in a full-tilt crazy-person screech: "Our marriage was garbage, just a disgusting pile of garbage, and I regret everything that came of it!" Then she turns to Julie, and says in a totally normal voice, "Except for you, honey, you're my rock." Julie doesn't even acknowledge Susan; she just waves her spoon dismissively. Karl, standing in his boxers out in front of the house, tells Susan that he's going to go break up with Edie right now, and that he'll call her when it's over. Susan: "Don't bother. I won't pick up!" SLAM! And as the door shuts, Julie waves her spoon in perfect synchronization, proving just how very many times she's seen this particular scene play out.