By DeAnn Welker
Relationships are in trouble this week, as Bree finally gives up on Orson after finding out he's the reason poor Old Rose is going to a mental institution. Bree tells Andrew she might want a divorce, and Mike has a mild anxiety attack when Katherine says she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Apparently he was just living with her temporarily until he could get back together with Susan. And Tom and Lynette have all sorts of jealousy issues to work out. He's jealous that she showers at Carlos's office, so she doesn't tell him when she falls in the tub and Carlos sees her naked (when he's saving her). He joins Gaby's gardening club, and doesn't tell Lynette that the non-Edie Edie is hitting on him. All is revealed over dinner with Carlos and Gaby, and both couples end up bickering.
But the real drama, as usual, is with Creepy Dave. He's actually torn up over Edie's death (because he only wants to kill the people he chooses to kill), blaming himself since they were in a fight and she took off mad. After she thinks he's suicidal and steals all of his weapons, Susan finally gets Creepy Dave to open up and admit that he feels like he's to blame. She tells him he needs to get over it, and she would know. Because, see, she was really the driver the night the Dashes were killed. And all of a sudden sad, depressed Dave turns Creepy again, as he hugs her and then goes to stalk MJ. It's sort of dumb that MJ wasn't a target when Mike was the guy he wanted revenge on, but whatever. This show was just trying to kill 20 episodes before finally coming to a point.
The good news: Jackson's back week!
Previously: Tom was bored, and Gaby was sort of his friend. Orson stole to hurt Bree, and she didn't like it. Go figure. Edie found out Creepy Dave wanted to kill Mike and he choked her. Then she fled and swerved to hit Orson, and died.
Mary Alice starts us out by talking about Rose Kemper, the old lady whose house Orson broke into and was running from when Edie had to swerve to avoid hitting him. She's survived through a lot, so she isn't afraid of anything, which is why she gave Orson a bat to the head. Katherine is in the hospital room when Rose wakes up. She brought Rose flowers. Apparently, Rose had a mild heart attack. Rose explains why to Katherine: Death came for her, but she chased him out with her baseball bat. He tried to take a knick-knack. And then when he couldn't get Rose, he went after Edie. And Rose saw everything: Death staggered into the street and made her run into that light pole. Katherine thinks Rose is crazy, but she tells her she believes her. Mary Alice continues, as we move across the hall into Orson's room (he's heard everything), that Rose isn't afraid of anything, but Orson's afraid of her.
After opening, Mary Alice tells us how everyone hides things: Orson's doctor can't believe he got that bump just by tripping and hitting his head on the curb. Orson insists that's what happened, and the doctor stops pushing and says Orson should be free to go soon. Bree's not totally thrilled about that. She tells Orson she doesn't mean to be negative, but he keeps stealing and lying to her. She loves him, but can't put up with that anymore. He tells her things will be different, because he's been doing a lot of thinking and he's decided to be happy. He says there are things he doesn't like about his life, but there's so much that's good and he doesn't want to risk losing everything. He says he can decide to be happy and be the kind of husband she deserves. Bree really hopes he means that, because she cannot take any more lying. He promises her she won't have to as he hugs her and looks across the hall at Rose.
Gaby knocks on Creepy Dave's door and then goes back and tells Lynette, Katherine, and Susan that he didn't answer. Susan says the casserole she left two days ago is still there, and she can't believe the squirrels haven't gotten to it. Lynette jokes if there are any dead squirrels around, they might have. Katherine says they owe it to Edie to make sure Dave's taken care of. They discuss who can come by and check on him later. They all have work, except Gaby, who has a garden club meeting. They all look at her in shock. She says she just joined the club. They let it go and Katherine says maybe Mike can check on Dave. Oh, yeah, that will go well.
Later, Mike's knocking and ends up opening the door when there's no answer. He apologizes for barging in, but wanted to make sure Dave's okay. He offers some lasagna that Katherine made for him, but Dave says he's good. But I will tell you, for a guy as crazy perfectionist looking as Creepy Dave, he is not looking good, all shaggy haired and unshaven and disheveled in his robe. Mike tells him he'll get through this, and calls him "Buddy." Mike says he's gone through some stuff, so Dave yells that Mike's gone through nothing, so he should go back to Katherine and his happy little life and leave him the hell alone. Mike acknowledges that Dave's right, and he has no idea what he's going through. Mike leaves, and Dave sighs, and closes his eyes.
Tom's lifting weights in the bedroom, when Lynette comes home. He quickly hides the weights under the bed as she reminds him they're having dinner with the Solises. He's making an attempt at giving Lynette bedroom eyes and she asks why he's making that face, adding, "You didn't eat dairy again, did you?" He says no, he's been working out, and if she's good, he'll let her cop a feel. She says that's okay; she can see it from there. He leans in to kiss her and says she smells good (she says she just took a shower). She says she's too exhausted for this, so he's all, "Come on! Please!" She says whining is hot, so he stands there looking sad. She lays back and says "Fine, but I'm going to just lie here waiting for it to be over." He's all, "Okay," but she doesn't really want that. He wonders how she just took a shower. She tells him there's a shower in Carlos's office, and he gets all jealous and crazy, as if she is sleeping with Carlos or something. He says they already spend sixteen hours a day together and now he finds out that some of those hours, she's naked and wet. He wants it to stop. She says fine, then adds that she should have just had sex, so she would be asleep by now. Ha.
Garden club: The annoying leader is telling them what to do. Gaby asks what's with all the gardening in this garden club. The ladies she's with tell her it used to be better, just booze and bitching. They miss it. Gaby wants to kill their leader, but plans a coup instead. They start recruiting garden club people, and end up with all sorts of people. They have six people, and the real garden club keeps six. Gaby thinks they need a tie-breaker, so she invites Tom, who she happens to see running by.
Orson's doctor comes in and asks why he wanted to see him. Orson heard the doctor's also treating Rose. He pretends to be concerned and asks how she's doing. The doctor says he can't discuss her condition with anyone she's not related to. Orson says she has no family or friends, and she has dementia; hasn't the doctor heard the bizarre ramblings? Orson pretends it's an ongoing situation and says he's worried about her going back to that big house with no one to look after her. The doctor says if he gets Social Services involved, they'll probably stick her in some state-run facility. Orson says if he doesn't, what if she hurts herself? He's not a lawyer, but wouldn't the hospital be liable? The doctor looks like he's thinking about it. Because, you know, doctors always take advice on how to do their jobs from their patients. What is this? Oceanside Wellness?
Carlos arrives at Lynette's to pick her up for work. Penny tells him his mom's in the shower. He storms inside, and hollers for her. She hears him and tells him he's early. He asks if she didn't get his text; the meeting got moved up. She says she'll be right there, then we see her drop the soap. Carlos hears a bang and goes up there and tries to talk to her. He says if she doesn't answer, he's coming in there. He finally does. Then he's hanging up his phone after pushing the meeting back. He tells her she can miss the meeting, but she wants to go. She asks how she got into her bed naked, and he says he carried her. She asks him to please not tell anyone. Carlos says being a hero was going to be the lead item in his Christmas letter. But she explains Tom has a thing about being the only one to see her naked, so he'd kind of freak. He agrees not to tell anyone, then he leaves so she can get dressed.
At Gaby's garden club/excuse to drink, she's passing drinks around. Edna asks if they're going to do any planting today, and Gaby shows her the lemon wedge in her drink, saying there are some seeds in that. Gaby notices a woman rubbing Tom's arm and goes over to steal Tom. She takes him into the kitchen and thanks him for coming, then tells him he can go ahead and make his escape. He says he's actually having fun and going to stay. She warns him Patty has a thing for married men, but Tom's all, "Naw, she's just being nice." Gaby says she's like that: She'll give you the bra off her back. He plays dumb, so Gaby impersonates the arm rubbing. Tom says the point's taken, so Gaby gets back to her "gardening." By which she means pushing the button on the blender.
Andrew's at Bree's, mocking Orson's decision to be happy. Bree says he sounded very sincere. Andrew asks just how happy he'll be: Will there be whistling? Skipping? I wish he'd added "Maniacal laughter." Bree says she didn't raise him to be bitchy (well, she sort of did, actually). He says she raised him to be passive-aggressive, but he self-taught the bitchiness. She tells him to save it for Bob and Lee's karaoke parties. Andrew says Bree's B.S. meter might be broken, but he knows Orson's up to something. She says Orson's her husband, and she still loves him. Andrew reminds her he's been stealing from her friends, and tried to get her to sell her business. He says that while she's watching Orson skip and sing, he'll be looking up divorce lawyers. Just in case.
Mike goes to Susan's to find her mopping the ceiling. She says she was cooking. He tells her lids are a great idea, and she tries to blame the stove. He tells her how bad things went with Dave, that he lashed out at Mike. He says that all of a sudden, Dave resents Mike's happiness. She thinks that's weird, but Mike says maybe not, since when your wife dies, it has to be depressing to see people in a loving relationship. Then he adds, without missing a beat, "Maybe you could look in on him." She's annoyed, so Mike says that didn't come out right. She will stop by tomorrow. She tells Mike this whole thing with Edie -- seeing her lying in the street that night -- brought up old memories from their accident. Mike says they did what they had to do, and she agrees, adding, "Look what it did to us." MJ comes down and he and Mike leave. Mike tells Susan to take care, and she says him too. It's sort of sweet -- and here I have been rooting against them.
The day, Susan stops by Dave's on his way to work. He is squinting like mad in the sun, because he's been in the dark house. Susan gives him sandwiches that she bought instead of made. She asks him to please have one now so she knows he is actually eating them. Because, even in someone else's time of need, her insecurities are so overpowering they must be dealt with first. She says she needs to know he eats something. He says he's not angry, but thanks her. She asks Dave to please let her help, just a little. He lets her come in.
On the couch, she eats a sandwich as he watches. She tells him how good the sandwich is, but he's still not hungry. She asks if he's thought about what he'll do now. He's going to sell the house. She thinks that's moving quickly. He says he's going to put the money in a trust for Travers, as Edie would have wanted. Susan's glad he's at least making plans for the future, but Dave says everything that ever mattered to him is gone, so the future's the last thing he's thinking about. Susan goes to put the sandwiches away in the kitchen and sees Creepy Dave's gun. She obviously thinks he's suicidal, because he's such a mess, won't eat, wants to be alone. So she tries to get him to play cribbage, which she calls a "great cure for the blues." I've never heard that one. He says he thought she had to go to work, but she's going to call in sick. He tells her he's trying not to be rude, but she needs to leave. She offers to clean up a little since the realtor's coming. She runs around the house, taking the gun, all of his knives, prescriptions, and belts. She puts it all in the basket she brought the food in, tells Dave she'll be back to check on him after work, gives him the phone in case he wants to "order Chinese or call a hot line or something," and then leaves.
In the car, Susan's leaving a voicemail for Katherine when a cop stops her. He asks for her license and registration, and tells her it's against the law to talk on a cell phone without using a hands-free device while driving. She says she forgot because she was worried about a friend. The cop sees her basket of knives and gun and tells her to step out of the car. She doesn't listen and instead tries to tell him she has an explanation, so he ends up pointing the gun at her and makes her get out and get on the ground. Katherine's returning the call when she drives by and sees Susan. It's sort of amusing.
Gaby sees Tom getting out of Patty's convertible and approaches him. He says he had some car trouble, so Patty followed him over to the garage and gave him a lift back. Gaby looks annoyed. She says Patty lives six blocks away, whereas she just lives down the street, so why didn't he ask her. She says she feels a responsibility because she brought him into the club, introducing him to the horny homemaker. She doesn't want him to cheat on Lynette. He says he appreciates her concern, but tells her to butt out. Gaby says he's no longer allowed to see Patty. He asks if she's his mother, but she says she trumps his mother: She's Garden Club President. He thought she was his friend. She says he's her friend with a small f, and Lynette is her friend with a big F, so if she sees something that could hurt her, she's going to do something about it. He says a neighbor offered him a ride, and if she wants to hurt Lynette by twisting it into something it's not, then "Screw you! And that's with a big F."
Bree shows up at the hospital, and Orson asks her to please say she's there to spring him. The doctor's just taking one last look at Orson, and asks Bree if she's sure he wasn't in some sort of bar fight, since the head injury looks more like he got smacked in the head with a pool cue or something.. Bree says he's not the fighting type. The doctor asks Bree to go fill out his discharge papers. She runs into Katherine and asks what she's doing there. Katherine's there to help Rose pack since Social Services is going to take her to a nursing home. Bree is surprised, since she didn't know Rose's situation was that serious. Katherine's all, yes, and repeats the story about death breaking in. She tells her about Death trying to steal a knick-knack and then Rose whacking him across the head with a baseball bat. She tells Bree that Rose tells the story so convincingly, you almost believe her. Bree laughs stiffly, realizing she's married to Death. She goes back into Orson's room, and looks worried.
Tom and Lynette are at Gaby and Carlos's for dinner. Lynette says the food's delicious, and they didn't have to do this. Carlos says it's the least he can do for all the hard work she's been putting in. Gaby points out she's the one who slaved over the rack of lamb all day. Carlos proposes a toast to friendship. Gaby and Tom will barely clink glasses. Lynette wants to hear about the garden club, since Tom's told her he's meeting all kinds of nice people. Gaby sarcastically asks, "Really?! Any favorites?" Tom raises the snark factor saying that other than one pain in the ass, he's having a great time. Gaby says gardens are dangerous, all full of shovels, and rakes, and hoes. Carlos and Lynette look confused.
Carlos wants to toast Gaby and Tom for putting up with the long hours. Tom says he doesn't mind the long hours, but wasn't so crazy about the shower thing. Carlos thinks he's talking about the rescue, and says he gets why Tom would be weird when someone else carries your unconscious naked wife. Tom's all, "What?!" Lynette asks if this is gorgonzola. Carlos says the other day, when she fell in the shower at home, and asks what Tom's talking about. Tom says when she took a shower in Carlos's office. Carlos can't believe she took a shower in his office. Gaby explains that Carlos helped Lynette, and Lynette's annoyed he told her. Carlos says he tells his wife everything. Tom's all, "You hear that, Lynette?" and tells her marriage is about full disclosure. Gaby says she's sure he fully disclosed his little friendship with Patty the garden ho. Lynette's all, "What little friendship?" Tom says he thinks this is gorgonzola. Tom says Patty gave him a ride home and Gaby's making a big deal about it. Lynette says she should, and Tom should be on antibiotics just for sitting in her car. Carlos tells Gaby to stay out of this after causing the damage. She says she was just watching Lynette's back. Tom says Carlos was watching her front. Lynette tells him to drop it. Gaby asks why Carlos comes home smelling so bad if he has a shower at the office. He says he doesn't know; why does lamb taste like sawdust? Best. Dinner. Ever.
Orson's home, and Bree's pouring him tea. He thanks her, and says it's nice to be home. She says it's wonderful to have him home, and then asks why he was out walking when he fell and hit his head. He says they had a spat and he wanted to clear his head. He says it will teach him to fight with his lovely wife. She asks if going out for a walk was all he was doing. He says that's all. It's a good thing he's not lying to her anymore. She tells Orson she has some business to discuss with Andrew, and goes to his house. She tells him Orson's lying again, so she thinks she has to divorce him. Andrew asks her to tell him how he can help, and she goes inside.
Katherine asks Mike if he's okay as she crawls into bed with him. Mike just keeps thinking about Dave: how great his life was, he had everything, and then one day it was all gone. Katherine agrees that life can turn on a dime: Edie, Dave, Rose. She doesn't want to live with regrets. Mike doesn't either. Katherine admits that when she suggested moving in together it wasn't just about saving rent. She was trying to manipulate some kind of commitment out of him. She promises, from now on, no hidden agendas. He likes that policy and pulls her close. She says she'll always be honest with him, because he's the guy she's going to spend the rest of her life with. He looks unhappy about this.
Susan shows up at Dave's with the basket. He's all, "More sandwiches? Or is just my gun in there?" She says it's just his belts and ties; the police kept the rest. He says he knows, since the police told him. I think it's a little shocking he has a gun permit, but maybe most murderers do. I wouldn't really know. He is upset she told the police he's suicidal. She says she's sorry, but she's worried about him. He says he's fine and closes the door on her. She comes in and says he's not fine, and shouldn't be. He's allowed to feel any way he wants. She knows he is not fine. She sighs and tells him she's sorry for ransacking his house. She'll stop bugging him. He gets teary and tells her he and Edie had a fight that night, a bad one, and then she took off and crashed her car and died. Susan tells him that does not make it his fault. He thinks it does: If he'd been different, she'd still be alive. She tells him that if he blames himself for it, he will destroy everything he has left that's good. (I see Susan's point, but what exactly does Dave have that's good?)
She goes on that she knows what she's talking about. He says she doesn't, so she says that a few years ago she and Mike got into an accident and a woman and her daughter died. He says he heard about that, and Mike was driving, right? She says that's what they said, but it wasn't true. She couldn't find her license after the crash. She had switched purses and left it at home, so Mike said he was driving. She says she understands guilt, and she wants Dave to understand that Edie's death was an awful tragedy, but not his fault. Dave looks shattered for a moment, but then turns into Creepy Dave again as he thanks her for telling him, hugs her, and makes an evil face. Apparently all the guilt is gone thanks to that reveal.
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