Carlos is sadly looking at baby pictures of Juanita when Juanita comes in to bed. There's also a picture of Carlos's mom, and Juanita asks about her just as Gaby walks up behind them and listens in: Carlos says he thinks about his mom every day, which is why he named Juanita after her: He couldn't imagine a world without a Juanita Solis in it. Carlos sees Gaby, who says she'll tuck Juanita in. So now it's his turn to listen in without her knowing it. She tells Juanita she's her whole world, so she can't let her ride her bike to the mall with friends. "If something happened to you, it would ruin my whole life." Poor Celia. Does she even exist?
Orson and his physical therapist finish packing up his stuff, and he stops to ask Bree if she's okay. She very much is not, so he apologizes and tells her to find herself a project. She tells him she's sick of having to have a project to get through things. This time she wants to actually feel her emotions, not avoid them, so she's going to sit quietly and think about what to do with her life. He tells her it will be spectacular, and they hold hands one last time (I think). Her eyes are filled with tears as he leaves her alone in the house. Then she gets up to go check out all of her photos: the kids, her and Rex, then her and Orson. She notices a piece of peeling wallpaper above the last photo, though, and tries to fix it. When she can't, she instead rips the wallpaper off. And, because she's Bree, and she really does need a project, she tears off all the wallpaper in the entire house. It's practically a sex scene, and is certainly more fun to watch than any sex scenes she ever had with Karl. Orson calls the day and asks her how she's doing. She's fine, and all disheveled. Get it? Housework is like sex for Bree.
Paul Young's paying Felicia Tilman a visit in jail. She says she agreed to see him to spit in his face, but didn't realize there'd be glass. She tells him she only has eighteen months with good behavior, and he's giving her reasons to be well-behaved. He gives her some condescending prison pointers, so she tells him she'll see him behind bars or dead. He reminds her they record these calls, so she should be careful about the threats. She accuses him twice of killing her sister, and he denies it on the phone, then hangs up and mouths, "I did it."
All the ladies are gathered at Lynette's, where Susan's trying to sell her hideous jewelry to them. Lynette goes ahead and buys a big ugly pair of earrings. She puts them on as Renee comes in and introductions are made. None of the ladies can believe how mean Lynette and Renee are to each other: Renee calls Lynette ugly, Lynette calls Renee stuck-up. They make fun of each other's fashion and STDs in college. Lynette says it's fun: "I tease her about being all botulism from the neck up." Renee: "And I tease her about being all cottage cheese from the waist down." But then it really gets ugly as Renee makes an actual sympathy sound after saying Lynette was voted most likely to succeed. Susan asks them to stop before someone gets hurt, but they don't. It all ends with Renee saying Lynette's got nothing but "a blouse from the 'I've stopped trying' collection and a pair of earrings your kid made at camp." Susan's like, "See? Now someone's hurt." As much as I hate it being all about Susan all the time, I do love that Renee managed to slam her. Renee reminds Lynette how adventurous she used to be, backpacking through Croatia and having a threesome. Unfortunately for Lynette (and Tom), Tom walked in just in time to hear about the threesome.
Later, in their room, Lynette's freaking out about why Renee would come here to take her down. Tom won't stop obsessing about the threesome, however, and says he's shielded her from some of the wilder stuff he's done, such as that time at an amusement park that he refers to as "D cups on the tea cups." Lynette says Renee doesn't get to be disappointed in her life, so Tom suggests she tell Renee how she feels. And when she's back, he'd like to do some kinky stuff now that he knows she's had a threesome. She slams the door while he's still talking. Downstairs, she gives Renee a phonebook and tells her to find a hotel. Renee tells Lynette she doesn't think her life is pathetic or that hers is better, because, in fact, her husband's been cheating and she's leaving him. She's heartbroken, basically, and overcompensating, so Lynette tells her she can stay as long as she wants to. Renee goes back into snark mode, telling Lynette she'd like to show her appreciation by paying for her first face lift. Lynette dishes back, saying since Renee's had nine, shouldn't the one be free anyway? I'm going to love this if they do all the snarking on each other for me (though, really, Renee, SUSAN is the one you should be snarking on, please).
Carlos storms into the hospital lawyer's office and gives him two options: He'll sue the hospital for enough money to bankrupt the hospital, or he makes this whole thing go away so Gaby never finds out. Jack says they've already hired investigators and sent letters, so he doesn't know if it can be stopped. Carlos tells him to try, because he can't tell her. Cut to Gaby telling Bree she can't tell Carlos about Andrew killing his mother. She says that Carlos is so happy right now, and everything is so good in their life. She can't ruin that perfect life they've developed.
Cut from one non-perfect life to another, as Susan arrives home with groceries to find Mike can't get a bank loan, so won't be able to hire any help or get any big jobs. Susan says they'll scrimp and save, but Mike says he's going to have to take a job in Alaska for six months or a year. He can make triple what he makes here. Susan thinks that's too dangerous, and says she and MJ need him here. Susan tells Mike to give her a month to see if her jewelry starts pulling in some serious money. He says she's talented, but really? She says he'd be surprised what some people are willing to pay for. Then she knocks on Maxine's door and says, "No nudity, no sex, and no one can ever know." You know, except the internet. Maxine says she's glad to help (and refrains from adding anything snide about what a superior bitch Susan acted like earlier).
Bree's wallpaper guy, Brian Austin Green (who we'll call Hot Handyman for now), wonders if she removed the wallpaper with a puma. She says she was anxious to get rid of her soon-to-be ex-husband's décor choices so she could get a fresh start. Hot Handyman suggests she paint it something bold. Bree likes the sound of this, and says maybe a nice, deep beige. Hot Handyman nods: "Or ... bolder." Oh, yes, he is going to be so much better for Bree than Orson ever could have been. Hot Handyman suggests scarlet red, and Bree says she's going to serve dinner here, not sailors. A honk from Orson beckons her outside to sign the final asset-division papers. She invites him to Andrew's dinner party on the 10th. He acts like he might go until his physical therapist reminds him they have wine-tasting plans. She heads to the car, and Bree learns Orson's dating the physical therapist. He says she's liked him for awhile, but waited a "respectable amount of time" to let him know. Bree: "It's been a week!" Orson tells her that, after so many miserable years together, they shouldn't let opportunities for happiness pass them by. She goes back inside, and Hot Handyman's moved
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on from red to yellow. He tells her how hot she'll look in a yellow room. He tells her she has other options, and she looks at him seductively (or as seductively as Marcia Cross can contort her botoxed face) and says, "Maybe I do."Lee confronts Paul for not disclosing who he was when he rented to him, but Paul says he's about to throw more business his way. He hears his old house is back on the market, and he'd like to buy it. He asks what they're asking for it. Lee doesn't think signing a one-year lease on one place and buying another sounds like a good plan. Paul ominously says he's been working on this plan for ten years, so Lee can trust him: It's a good one.
MAVO picks back up: When bad news arrives, she says, we have to find a way to deal with it. Bree picks up her paper and watches her Hot Handyman project walk by. Susan dusts in her panties to earn some extra cash. Carlos and Gaby have a silent meal of secrets together. MAVO: "But we must remember: The bad news that's delivered can sometimes be good news in disguise." In her jail cell, Felicia's looking at a newspaper clipping about Paul's release. Her cellmate tells her he looks like a killer, and it's a shame they let him out. Felicia says it's all for the best, because Paul can now receive the punishment he's entitled to: He'll be dead within six months. Cellmate asks how she can do that since she's in here at least two years. Felicia: "Paul Young doesn't have friends on that street." And, with a batshit giggle, "I do."
time: It gets hot and heavy between Bree and Hot Handyman. Susan gets good at her sexy job. Tom has a crush on Renee or something, so Lynette wants her out of her marriage. Announcer guy says a housewife will be stopped dead in her tracks. Someone's hit by a car, and then we see a body bag. Must be Katherine, right? Carlos tells a concerned-looking Gaby that he has to tell her something.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is looking forward to Vanessa Williams as the new Edie. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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