By Jessica
Previously: shit went down.
MAVO bugs me so much I'm not going to recap her at all anymore unless it's absolutely, 100\% necessary. I'm your MAVO now, bitches. Without the suicide. Well, so far.
So, we learn that Gabrielle and Mama Solis have been at war since the very night that Gabrielle and Carlos got engaged. "From the prenuptial agreement she reluctantly signed, to the selection if wedding music she despised," MAVO says -- and how quickly I had to rescind my no MAVO rule -- "to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted, Gabrielle suffered one defeat after another." Including her unfortunate side ponytail, by the way. And now that Mama Solis suspected that Gabrielle of getting a little bone on the side, she was doubly screwed. For example, Mama Solis has decided that Gabrielle doesn't need Yao Lin around to help her with the house, and she says so to Carlos. Gabrielle looks perturbed. "It's a big house. I need help," she bleats. Also, she needs someone around to blame in case Miguel leaves his jockstrap under the bed. "It's only called 'help' when you do some of the work yourself," Mama Solis says. Gabrielle stammers that she "supervises." Mama Solis shrugs and tells Carlos that he's paying Yao Lin fifteen grand a year, while he's always saying that he needs to be putting more money away for his retirement. Carlos thinks about this and tells Gabrielle that they do need to start cutting back on expenses. "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?" Gabrielle asks. Dude, what else you are doing, other than yoga and the gardener? If you had a job, or kids, then I would be all aboard the maid train. But right now? It's hard for me to feel bad for you. Carlos says he thinks she'll manage, but all she manages to do is pout.
Later that night, Gabrielle slinks out of the bathroom in hot pants and a push-up bra and crawls all over Carlos. She points out that if they get rid of the maid, she will have no energy to blow him. Well, basically. She doesn't say the word "blow," but she does crawl down his torso to end the scene, and I don't think she's going down there to give him a pedicure.
Not to mention the fact that, the morning, Carlos looks uber-satisfied and announces to his mother that the maid is staying. Gabrielle looks pleased with herself in a way that cannot possibly stem from even the most adroit cuticle trimming.
Creepy Paul decides to have a Yard Sale. Surprisingly, his signs do not read "Suicide Close-Out! All Suspicious Clues Must Go! All Reasonable Offers Accepted!" People browse, as Creepy Paul unpacks a box labeled "Baby Stuff/Red Herrings?" Susan strolls up with a hideous square glass bowl that is apparently some award Mary Alice won for some boring fund-raising type thing. Susan can't believe Paul is selling it! Shouldn't he keep it for Zack to remember his mother by? Paul is all, "No," and in this instance, I agree with Creepy Paul. First of all, it's an ugly, ugly bowl from, like Successories. Second, it's an award from the Chamber of Commerce, not an Oscar. Third, who remembers his mother with an ugly ugly bowl from Successories given by the Chamber of Commerce? It's not like Paul is selling Mary Alice's wedding dress or her high-school yearbook or her original Picasso, or her diary, for Pete's sake. Susan makes a series of accusatory faces, and Paul just drones that they're out of newspaper, and wraps the bowl in an old baby blanket. He never takes any money from her, so I am at a loss as to how this is a "sale," rather than a "come and take stuff that will later turn out to be clues"-type event. Susan is all, "Speaking of Zack, where the hell did you lock him up, you disgusting murdering perv, you?" or something along those lines. Paul lies that he sent Zack to "stay with relatives." Who? Susan asks. This is the kind of questioning that used to get Trixie Belden tied up and thrown in the trunk of an old jalopy, Susan, so I'd watch it if I were you. Paul retorts that Susan doesn't know them. "So, how'd you get the fat lip?' she asks."The usual way: asking too many questions," says Paul. Oh, burn. And yet, well played, Paul. Well played. Susan is the least subtle detective ever. Compared to her, Nancy Drew looks like a member of Special Ops. Susan just chuckles nervously and takes her ugly, ugly bowl and heads over to chit chat with Gabrielle. "Did you find out where Zack is?" Gabrielle asks. "No, but I can tell you this much: he's NOT staying with relatives," Susan retorts.
Meanwhile, elsewhere at the Yard Sale of Doom, Mama Solis digs through some old vinyl as Carlos whines that "it's driving [him] crazy." Gabrielle could be boning anyone! Anyone! "What about that guy over there," he asks, gesturing to some random dude to whom Gabrielle is chatting. Mama Solis tells Carlos that he doesn't need to worry about the men Gabrielle talks to: it's the men she ignores who are suspicious. Carlos frets again that it could be anyone: "What do I have to do? Beat up every guy in town?" "Marriage takes work," Mama Solis says as she sails past Miguel and out of frame. The writer of that scene leans back in his armchair and murmurs, "and...scene" to himself
Lynette and KimberBree come from nowhere to gossip with Gabrielle and Susan. Lynette isn't surprised that Paul is "playing it close to the vest." He knows they're on to him. KimberBree exposits that Zack said that Mary Alice killed herself because of something he did. I would kill someone to get my hands on her hot argyle sweater. Susan really wants to track Zack down: "It's the only way we'll know the truth." KimberBree can't image Zack doing anything that bad. Gabrielle reminds her of ChristmasGate, and says that "the kid's obviously troubled in some way." Everyone stares at everyone for like a really long time.
Meanwhile, over at Silvercrest Loony Bin For Kids Being Held Against Their Wills, some random doctor tells Creepy Paul that poor little Zack has severe depression, borderline personality disorder, and a real bad haircut. He's "a deeply troubled young man." Creepy Paul says he knows this: "What are you giving him?" "Anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer." But they need to start therapy. Creepy Pail is all, "No. No thanks. No therapy. None for us." The doctor points out that they can't just medicate him forever. "Forget the Freud and stick with the drugs," Creepy Paul says. Hey, that's my motto. "No new treatments without my permission," he says, and stomps off. I am so sure.
Lynette is over at Posh Academy, attending a parent meeting for a production of Little Red Riding Hood, in which Polio and Pertussis are playing oak trees. She there meets her nemesis for the episode, "the amazing Maisy Gibbons," played with great Alpha Mom aplomb by Sharon Lawrence. Maisy announces that she feels that the actual ending of the play is just too violent. She thinks killing the Big Bad Wolf sends the wrong message to kids: "We believe that animals should only be euthanized as a last resort." Lynette shots all the rest of the Stepfords an "are you fucking kidding me?" face, but they all just look brainwashed and uncomfortable. Lynette points out that the wolf did eat Red's grandma. He's a threat to society. Everyone else stares straight ahead. Maisy actually uses the line, "And you are?" When she finds out that Lynette is just taking tickets on the night of the performance, she suggests that Lynette leave the creative suggestions to the moms who are doing "the heavy lifting." Lynette is all insulted and crabby.
Gabrielle and Mama Solis are hanging out at KimberBree's; she is jealous of their alleged closeness. "My mother-in-law would never want to hang out with me all day," she says. "She sounds nice," Gabrielle mutters. Enter Danielle Van De Kamp...with Miguel! Dum dum dum DUM. Gabrielle and Miguel both make a series of stricken faces, as Danielle and KimberBree chirp cheerfully and the kids go up to Danielle's room. Gabrielle murmurs that she didn't know that Miguel and Danielle were friends. Awkward. She also can't believe that KimberBree is letting Danielle study alone in her room with a boy. Especially one so well-versed in the sexual arts. KimberBree isn't worried. "Both he and Danielle are in the Abstinence Club," she chirps. Shut up, KimberBree. The first rule of Abstinence Club is, don't talk about Abstinence Club. Gabrielle does a huge, huge spit take at this and the coffee goes everywhere. "Coffee's a bit hot," she forces out.
MAVO explains that Susan was infuriated by Paul's evasiveness. Susan watches as Paul climbs into his car, waves at her, and drives off. "She was convinced that he was hiding Zack and hiding the truth. And hiding her reading glasses. And hiding Julie's left shin guard. And hiding Lynette's two other kids." Susan? She needed a plan.
Susan heads over to Mrs. Greenberg's house, and after a lot of hoo-ha about needing to get back some eggs she loaned Mrs. Greenberg like a year ago and yada yada yada, manages to talk her into letting her borrow her old car. "Do you know how to drive a stick?" Mrs. Greenberg asks. Susan thinks so. She learned in college. "It's like riding a bike, right?" A beer to everyone who sees how this is going to go.
Dr Goldfine's. He tells KimberBree and Rex that they're making excellent progress, as he anally adjusts the drapes. I think KimberBree is growing on him. She thanks him and agrees, as she strokes an ivory tusk on a nearby side table like she's giving it a handjob. Not that I'd know what that looked like, Mom, I swear. Why are you reading my recaps, again? I told you they were full of adult situations. Speaking of adult situations, there's something else they need to cover: Rex isn't happy with his sex life. He thinks KimberBree is not as "connected" as she could be during sex, and thinks they should get a sexual surrogate. KimberBree smiles very, very tightly at this and crosses her arms over her breasts and wonders what, exactly, this person would do. Rex explains that she would sort of be their sex coach. "So she would be in the room with us when we make love?" KimberBree asks with a very sarcastic smile. Rex explains that this will help them "achieve maximum sexual potential." KimberBree's tight smile gets even tighter. Dr. G asks if she has any questions. She only has one. And it's for Rex. "How much longer is your midlife crisis going to last? Because it is really starting to tick. Me. Off," she spits, gathering her things and storming out.
Coffee Klatch at Lynette's House of Pain. She comes down the stairs and announces that "everyone is down for a nap." She sets a baby monitor down on the table and suggests that they get cracking. How cute: they're pretending she still has those other two kids. Anyway, it's poker time. Mama Solis knits in the background. She looks longingly at the cards as Susan yammers that she and Mike have their first official date week: "I think he's taking me to see a play or something." Oh, I'm sure you'll screw it all up before then, Susan. Lynette uses this moment to complain about her own play-related drama. KimberBree comments that Maisy does like to rule her little roost. Susan whines that it's just like Girl Scouts: the girls smile at you to your face, and then make fun of you behind your back for not shaving your legs. And that's when we learn that Susan had shitty friends. Lynette yaps that she'd rather fight with men because women are so sneaky blah blah sexist generalization blah. Gabrielle points this out, saying that, um, it's sexist to generalize like that. She wanders over to the window and watches Miguel unloading his truck across the street. Lynette says that scientists have proven this Women Are Backstabbers bullshit to be true. I don't remember seeing "Ladies Are Sneaky" on the cover of the Journal of the American Medical Association. Gabrielle doesn't have time to disprove Lynette's tiresome generalizations about male/female socialization; instead, she makes up a lie about how the guacamole is really not sitting well with her and dashes off to the bathroom. Lynette sighs that she hates three-handed poker and suggests a break. Mama Solis pipes up that she'd be happy to play. "I used to play a little with my grandfather," she says, and suggests that they play for real money. A cookie to everyone who can see where this is going.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle is climbing out of the bathroom window to see Miguel. I can't imagine that a high-school kid is really this good in the sack. Gabrielle then climbs over the back wall, tumbling into the shrubbery. Every episode of this show has featured someone taking a pratfall into the greenery. Miguel runs over to check on her. She wants to know why he hasn't called her back. He's been busy, he says, picking mulch out of her hair. "I've seen who you've been busy with," she brats, reminding him that she can do things to him that Danielle can't even pronounce. "Lot of good that does me with your mother-in-law following you around. Look, why don't we just cool it for a while," he offers. This throws Gabrielle into a bit of a tizzy. She begs him not to say that. Oh, girl. Have some self-respect. "I have everything under control," she swears, and kisses him. "Now, give me a boost."
Back to the poker table, where Mama Solis has cleaned out the other ladies. Bartender, cookies for everyone!
Maisy and the Play of the Boring. It appears that their costumer dropped out. Spying an opening, Lynette volunteers to do the costumes. She adds that, now that she's doing some heavy lifting, she wants to have a vote about the ending of the play. The rest of the ladies are amazed that she's standing up to Maisy Gibbons, and the vote goes Lynette's way: the wolf is going to get it. The woman to Lynette -- whom I know best as Elaine's cousin on Seinfeld, whom Jerry dated and who kept trying to feed him mutton -- looks both thrilled and alarmed by this development. If it sounds like I'm skimming over this plot line, guess what? I am. It's boring. If I wanted to watch PTA drama, I would join the PTA. This interests me only if the entire PTA somehow winds up at a Royal Wedding in Moldavia during a political coup and Maisy ends up buying the farm while Lynette wears a feathered turban.
While Lynette is off being boring across town, Susan is wearing a really cute crusher and driving her neighbor's hatchback down the street after Paul. She can't really drive stick. Which I guess means that I totally owe you all a beer, yes? Put it on my tab with the cookies. She follows Paul all the way to the Correctional Facility for the Deranged as Twin Peaks music tinkles in the background. Please, if this were Twin Peaks, someone would already be dancing backwards with a one-armed man.
KimberBree dines alone at a restaurant. You know. Where people tend to dine. People like, say, Dr Goldfine, who is reading a romance novel. Tee hee. There's some back and forth: join me/professional blah/sad KimberBree/KimberBree's sweater is adorable (that comment was only from me, not Dr. Goldfine)/blah, and eventually he agrees to treat their meal like a session. Dude, he is so in love with her. Hell, I am a little in love with her.
Over at Casa Unfaithful, Carlos overhears Gabrielle tell Lynette on the phone that Mama Solis would be happy to take a check for her poker winnings. He then tells Gabrielle that his mother has, like, a mega-bad gambling problem. Gabrielle makes her I'm Hatching a Plan face over Carlos's shoulder as she comforts him. I am beginning to think that she is not a very nice lady.
At the restaurant, KimberBree writes Dr G a check for their "session" and tells him that there was no truth to that whole "not connected during sex" thing. Dr Goldfine tells her that lots of sexually repressed people distance themselves "during the act." She informs him that, contrary to what he may believe, she loves sex: "I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then! When you add friction! Mmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently....And then there's the act itself. Two bodies, becoming one, and that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously, it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan." Dr Goldfine just stares at her. The waiter comes up and asks if he can get them anything. "Just the check please," Dr Goldfine says. "Sir, you haven't ordered yet," the waiter says. "Oh," says the flustered and, dare I say, aroused Dr Goldfine.
Meanwhile, sweet Gabrielle has taken her mother-in-law to lunch...at a casino. They have a great buffet, she chirps. "All-you-can-eat crab legs," she adds. And then groans that she didn't realize how late it was. She doesn't have time to both eat here and still pick up her "suede mini" before 2 PM They'll have to have lunch at the mall. Mama Solis suggests that Gabrielle go on ahead without her. Because she reaaaalllly wants some crab legs. Gabrielle points out that it might take her over an hour. "It's a buffet, there's no rush," Mama Solis chatters, and races into the building. Gabrielle smiles to herself and drives off to meet her underage lover...in the middle of the day...before 2...when he is allegedly still in school. Sigh.
Maisy. Lynette. Round two: Lynette is behind on her sewing. Maisy explains that "Jordana Guy" can take care of all her many, many responsibilities, so Lynette ought to be able to take care of hers as well. And maybe she wouldn't be in such a costume crisis if she didn't have two little oak trees to costume. Snore. Wake me up if someone steals someone's baby and then throws it from the top of a building, thereby revealing that it was not a baby at all and instead a doll and the real baby is somewhere I don't remember because all I remember from that particular episode of Dynasty is all the baby throwing, and also Crazy Claudia Blaisdale's braided headband. Lynette promises to finish the costumes and also makes a face.
Susan's. Julie tells her mother that she has lost her mind. Julie, sweet one, that would imply that your adorable but dumb mother had one to lose to begin with. Susan, it appears, is trying to talk Julie into "blending in" with the kids at The Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Also Are Crazy, so that she can find out what's up with Zack. Julie wonders how she's supposed to do that. "I don't know, Julie. Pretend to be bulimic. Gag a little," Susan suggests. Heh. Julie looks skeptical. "Mom, when this is over we need to talk about your parenting skills," she says. Susan says that she's not going to force Julie to help, in much the same tone my mother used to use to tell me she'd never force me to do my math homework, and that if I wanted to go work at the 7-11 and contract a social disease like my cousin Hannah, that was just fine with her. Julie just wants to know why Susan cares. Susan spouts some boring blah about Mary Alice and how she was her friend and she wants to do right by her, and I don't care because Mary Alice is the most sanctimonious narrator I've ever met and she bothers me so much that I'm sorry she's not narrating from the bowels of hell. Plus, wouldn't that be funnier? "Susan was very irritated at -- oh, hey, there's Hitler! Wow, he's shorter than I imagined." Anyway, Susan thinks that something is awry, and that she owes it to Mary Alice to find out the truth.
Gabrielle picks up Mama Solis at the casino. She looks sad. Why? Well, she lost a whole lot of money. In fact, she maxed out Carlos's credit card. Even Gabrielle seems surprised by the depths of Mama Solis's addiction.
Sam Houston Motor Lodge. Rex is eating what looks like a bean and cheese burrito. Hmm, burritos. I adore thee. There is a knock on the door. It's KimberBree, with Super-Sexy Sex hair and a mink coat. "The man at the desk said there were no vacant rooms. Mind if I bunk with you?" she asks huskily. Rex: "[KimberBree], what are you doing here?" She rubs her mink and says it's a little chilly in the hallway. "Do you mind if we discuss this inside?"
So Rex lets KimberBree in, and she drops the mink. She's in a red bra and panty set and that's it. And she looks, to put it delicately, fucking awesome. Rex's jaw drops. "You look amazing," he breathes. She strolls over to the bed and says that the Davey Crockett Motor Court certainly isn't the Ritz, but that it has "all the essentials." Rex tosses the burrito on the nightstand and joins her on the bed. "I don't know what to say," he says. "Then perhaps you should say nothing," she offers, and they start really going at it. She's mid-writhe when she notices that the burrito is about to drop a huge load of cheese and beans all over the floor. She tries to concentrate on all the neck-kissing and the panting and the grinding, but she just can't. "Baby, I just need a minute," she says. Rex tells her just to leave it, and it appears that she really does try. But fails. She breaks, and pushes the burrito to safety. She rolls back to Rex to get back into it, but Rex has lost his mojo. He doesn't want to do it anymore. Man, he's sensitive. Compromise, Rex. She can fix the burrito and then you can have a good cry. He's actually really crabby and petulant about the whole thing and tells her that "now is not really a good time for" him. KimberBree looks very hurt by this, and gathers her coat to leave. "Well, it's obvious you've never had to remove a cheese stain," she announces tearfully by the door, and storms out. Rex, you are a fool. I pray to the sweet baby Jesus every day that I hook up with a smoking hot neat freak. All my problems, solved!
Plot of the Dull: Lynette is having serious issues getting the costumes done. Jordana suggests to her that she take some Ritalin. If you don't have ADD, it really perks you right up, she explains. She offers some of her stash to Lynette, who declines, saying that she's already smoked some crack and she doesn't want to mix. Snore. Wake me up if someone accidentally sleeps with her brother and finds herself pregnant with his child and then plots to marry her best friend's ex-boyfriend to pass the baby off as his own, while the best friend is in the hospital because she's pregnant with twins and one of the twins is a child she's carrying as a surrogate after locking the actual surrogate in a closet and one of the twins is her own and she has to abort one of them and she doesn't know which one. Because that would be interesting.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle offers to sell some of her old jewelry to pay off the credit-card debt that Mama Solis ran up at the Casino of Great Trauma. Carlos will never find out, she says. Yeah, UNTIL HE GETS YOUR STATEMENT IN THE MAIL AND IT HAS A BIG OLD CHARGE ON IT FROM THE CASINO, YOU DUMB-ASS. Don't even tell me that Carlos doesn't look over the bills in this family. Mama Solis is skeptical of this offer to help, what with how she and Gabrielle hate each other and stuff. Gabrielle explains this small detail away by saying that if Carlos found out that Mama Solis fell off the wagon and got run over by the wheel, it would break his heart. So, she's really protecting HIM. Because she loves them. Dude, Carlos could seriously do better than Gabrielle. Maybe he should hook up with KimberBree!
Again: what day is this? It seemed like it was late when KimberBree and Rex were doing it, and Lynette was late at the school making costumes while her children were...I don't know...and now it's totally daytime. That kind of continuity error really irritates me. Anyway. Shady Groves. Susan has an appointment with the unfortunately named Dr. Sicker. When the receptionist goes to fetch him, Julie sneaks onto the patio. Dr. Sicker comes out to meet Susan, who tells him that she's there doing research for a children's book.
So, Julie sneaks in to see a comatose and slightly depressed Zack. "What's wrong with you?" she asks. He blames it on the pills, but I dunno. I feel like his slightly lackluster mood might have something to do with how his mom killed herself and his Dad locked him up in the loony bin. Julie explains that she came to see him and to ask him something, but she doesn't have much time. "Last week you told Mrs. Van De Kamp that your mom killed herself because of something you did. Something bad. What were you talking about?" Well, that's direct of her. "After my mom died, I started remembering things that happened when I was little. What happened to Dana," Zack tells her. Julie, of course, wonders who Dana is, and it is of course at this point that a nurse comes in and kicks her ass out. She tells Zack a very sweet and heartfelt goodbye and goes. He looks so sad. And very poorly coiffed.
Camp Van De Kamp. KimberBree is mending an old coffee mug. Enter Rex: what are you doing? Fixing a mug. Why don't you get a new one? She believes in fixing what you already have. Why, it's all very meta, except by meta, I mean obvious, and not in a really good way, like how last week Patch Abbott compared Amy Abbott's Flower of Virginity to an E-Z Bake Oven cake. That was brilliant. This is just sort of vaguely amusing and obvious. Anyway, Rex hems and haws and finally begins, "About what happened today...." KimberBree says that Rex humiliated her, "for no good reason." He apologizes. She tells him that she was there, and she was willing, and "normal men don't say no to that." Hell, abnormal men don't say no to Marcia Cross in her skivvies and a mink coat. I don't say no to Marcia Cross in her skivvies and a mink coat. And I AM a fan of the scrotum. (Sorry, Mom.)
Rex says that she upset him. KimberBree doesn't buy that. She's been thinking about their sex life, she says, and he's right: there has been a disconnect: "But it's coming from you." He calls this crazy. "How many years have we been making love and you start to ask me something and then stop?" she asks. Rex claims that he doesn't know what she means. "You are unhappy with our sex life because you're not getting something from me, but you're simply too afraid to ask," KimberBree tells him. Rex reiterates that his problem is that she is obsessed with housework. "Well, if that's the case, then take me," KimberBree demands, getting up. "Right here. Right now. The house is spotless. There are no burritos lying around to pull my focus." But Rex isn't in the mood. "Why not? We haven't had sex for months, Rex. Most normal, red-blooded men would be climbing the walls by now," she says. Dude, I'm climbing the walls just watching them. He asks her not to do this, and she begins to literally back him into a corner of the kitchen, purring, "Rex, whatever you want. I'll go there with you. I'll go there with you; you just have to say it out loud. Tell me. What do you want? What do you need?" Rex looks nervous and tells her stop talking like this: "You sound like a whore." To her immense credit, KimberBree takes this in stride and keeps backing him into the corner: "No, I don't. I sound like a woman whose husband won't touch her." There is much staring here. And then Rex turns and leans on the counter. KimberBree tells him that after Mary Alice killed herself, it hit her: "We all have our secrets and I think it's time for you to tell me yours." He takes a breath...opens his mouth...and chickens out and leaves. Oh, KimberBree. You could do better than this. Call Dr. Michael Mancini. Now, that was a man who couldn't resist a redhead in lingerie. And sure, he also was the sort of bribe you into signing your life away after seducing you and then laughing in your face about the entire thing, but that's kind of the crux of his charm.
It's the middle of the night. Lynette takes some Ritalin and finishes the costumes and cleans her entire house in a speed-addled craze. Get back to me when she accidentally calls her second wife by her first wife's name because she's been working in an office that her ex-brother-in-law painted with poison paint and the fumes have made her crazy.
Gabrielle is going to the store. Anyone need anything? They don't, so she leaves. Once she's gone, Mama Solis tells Carlos that she's really sure Gabrielle isn't cheating on him: "She's not perfect, but she loves you. I can tell." He's so relieved. "You know, it's funny, I really think she loves you, too," he says. "I got concerned when I heard you played poker with her friends. So I told her about your little problem." He explains that Gabrielle was very concerned. The wheels turn rapidly in Mama Solis's hair. "She knew," she says.
Susan's. She's looked through all of Julie's yearbooks and she and Zack never went to school with a Dana, she whines. Dana could be anyone, Susan, you charming nitwit! At this rate, this mystery will never be solved! Darling, it's called Google. Look up "Dana" + "Paul Young" and see what happens. Julie basically points this very thing out, and Susan tells her to give her a break. "I'm sorry," Julie apologizes. "I'm worried about Zack. It's really creepy in there. Can't we get him out?" Susan looks out her window at Creepy Paul, who is mowing the lawn and staring menacingly back at them. She doesn't think that now is the time for a jailbreak.
Across the street, Mama Solis sits on the porch and knits. She watches as Gabrielle pulls up to the house and walks past Miguel without either one of them exchanging a word. They both look very guilty. "And suddenly, Juanita remembered it wasn't the men Gabrielle talked to that she had to worry about," MAVO says. Yes, she told us that already, but thanks.
School of the Boring. Lynette delivers the costumes. Maisy tells her that she -- whoops! -- accidentally left Lynette's name off the program. In response, Lynette gives this very long speech that is, really, quite well delivered and written and whatnot, if only I gave a damn about this very boring plotline. There's a lot of "there are years ahead of us having to deal with each other," and "let's take it outside," and "we're throwing down," and "isn't it better to settle this once and for all rather than endure all this Alpha Mom crap?" and so forth. All the rest of the mothers look on at the confrontation in gleeful horror. "Come on, I'll even let you take the first shot," Lynette offers. Maisy, clearly, is tempted. Eventually, however, she says that she doesn't have time for this, and storms off. "I didn't think so," Lynette calls after her. "And just so you know, year, when we do Bambi, his mother's gonna take a slug to the heart and you're gonna like it!" she yells as Maisy leaves. Right, right. Yes, yes, it's all very fantastic. Oh, Felicity Huffman, let me worship at the altar of your fantastic acting skills, blah blah blah. Wake me up when Lynette and Maisy have a huge catfight in Maisy's little studio apartment, complete with vases cracking over heads, pillows bursting, and portraits of Blake Carrington getting ripped in half. Because, that? I've got time for that.
MAVO: "Remember that episode of Seinfeld when I got married in India to Elaine's old boyfriend Peter, whom I called Pinter, and the entire episode went backwards? God, that was fun. That Jason Alexander is a scream." As she yammers, we pan over to the blanket in which Paul wrapped Susan's newly purchased glass bowl. It's embroidered with "Dana." Heavens, if Paul did in fact kill her, then he is the worst murderer in the whole wide world. Oh, right, I almost forgot: DUM DUM DUM DUM!