By Evany
This one goes up to 11 on the Cringe-o-Meter: CreePaul's back in town, as evidenced by the fact that he's right out in front of his house, mowing the lawn. The ladies call the police, and Susan tells them all about how CreePaul confessed to her boyfriend that he was a murderer, and how her boyfriend has Mrs. Huber's diary, which reveals how CreePaul had a motive for killing Mrs. Huber, etc. Susan, the policeman, and the whole neighborhood march over to Mike's to confirm the story, but Mike tells Susan that she's mistaken, he told her no such thing, and he has no such diary. (Cringe factor: 7.) Later: Susan, who is very understandably upset that now the whole neighborhood thinks she's crazy, confronts Mike. Mike very logically points out that, as a man on parole, the story about how he kidnapped CreePaul and held an unlicensed gun to his head probably would get Mike in more trouble than it would CreePaul. And did Susan forget how Mrs. Huber's diary also mentioned that Susan burned Edie's house to the ground? Susan: "Oh, right." Later: CreePaul comes over to Susan's to ask about all the fliers she put up about Zana. Susan lamely pretends she knows nothing about Zana's whereabouts. CreePaul casually picks up one of her knives, and Susan tells him how she gave Zana money for a bus ticket to Utah. Later: Mike goes over CreePaul's house to tell him to...I'm not sure what -- get out of town, I guess? CreePaul reveals to Mike that Susan sent Zana to Utah. Later: Mike confronts Susan, who's in the middle of trying on her mother's wedding dress. Susan tearfully admits to sending Zana away, and Mike breaks up with her, leaving her weeping, in a wedding dress, in the middle of Wisteria Lane. Cringe factor: 11! Lynette's horrible boss says nasty things about Lynette's collection of threadbare suits, so Lynette goes out and pays $3000 for a stack of new clothes. This incenses Mr. Mom Tom, who points out that the money could pay for the twin's braces and tutors and other things parents worry about giving their kids. Lynette reluctantly agrees to return the suits, but first she wears the most expensive one, a flirty white $900 thing, to a big client meeting. In a "cringe factor: 7" moment, Bossy Boobs notices the tag hanging out the back of Lynette's skirt and tears it off in front of everyone. Now Lynette has to keep the suit, which she's not at all sad about because it makes her feel powerful and sexy and et cetera, but to smooth things over with Tom, she buys him a new set of golf clubs, the end. A crazy, sad stalker (not George) shoots Lecherous Lawyer Bradley. Gabby visits LLB in the hospital, which makes him think that he's in love with her, so he decides not to help Carlos get out of jail. Gabby puts on a sexy bra and panties and seduces LLB, telling him that if he wants her, he can have her, but that she won't leave Carlos because she's "Catholic." Addled by her hot and near-naked form, LLB agrees to her terms, and Gabby is all, "Ha! You aren't in love with me!" Because any man truly in love would never agree to share a woman with another man! Then she threatens to have him disbarred for sexual harassment if he won't represent Carlos, which she...could have done without the whole Victoria's Secret campaign? (Cringe factor: 4.) George and Bree are making out on her couch and seem poised to start rounding the bases when suddenly she breaks out in horrible, scary Star Trek hives. Her therapist thinks this is some sort of psychosomatic reaction to still feeling married to Rex. Bree thinks her therapist is ridiculous, and to prove it, she goes away with George for the weekend. But her hives return the very second they try to check in to the hotel, so she and George agree to keep the trip platonic. But then, over dinner, George talks Bree into taking some antihistamines with her wine. Bree gets super-drunk and passes out on her bed. George sits in a chair, watching her sleep, for hours and hours. When Bree finally wakes up, he threatens to leave her if she won't have sex with him, so she gives in and they do it. Cringe factor: 4000!
Previously: Bree tossed her wedding ring into Rex's grave, Carlos got manipulated into hiring the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, and Susan sent Zana to Utah.
First, let me say that I really liked this episode, so it was kind of a shock to discover, after reading the boards, that I'm somewhat in the minority on this front. Maybe I've managed to confuse something that makes me cringe with something truly moving? Or maybe my standards have lowered in response to the overall decline of the show? I'm not really sure. All I know is that this episode flew by (for a change), and that I laughed aloud more that once, and actually had to cover my eyes on three separate occasions. Which is good, right?
MAVO: "George Williams had never been lucky in love. It seems that the women he dated always invented reasons not to consummate their relationship." We flash back to a series of women giving George lame excuses: one is afraid they'll wake the roommate, one has to get up really early for work, and one super-Whitesnakey slutty blonde very obviously lies that she's "saving herself for marriage." As each of the women closes her door in his face, George's hair blows back in a semi-hilarious way. MAVO: "Sadly for George, it was one unoriginal excuse after another." Back in the now, George bounds up the stairs to Bree's house, bouquet in hand. MAVO: "But since he'd started seeing Bree Van de Kamp, George couldn't help but [sic] feel his luck was about to change." Bree answers the door looking lovely in pearls, a blue wrap shirt, and a fitted black skirt (though with heavy dark eye makeup that is, perhaps, somewhat tranny). She gleefully informs George that the kids are away (you know, Andrew's at deprogramming camp and Danielle is...wherever it is that Danielle conveniently disappears to). George looks 3,000,000\% stoked by this news. Wait, was Andrew right? Is George a virgin?
After dinner, Bree and George head into the living room, wine glasses in hand. Bree is babbling that the sauce for the duck was a little thick...honk-chew, honk-chew, honk-chew, is this boring babble out of nervousness? Or complete social retardation? I'm beginning to wonder if Bree's long history of inappropriate outbursts sprinkled amongst a field of endless tedious small talk is less a matter of piquant zaniness and more just a sign of undersocialization. George asks, as men always do, if he can take down Bree's hair. Bree complies, and her hair swings into place with that little flip at the bottom that we all know, love, and remember with much warmth. George was right to take her hair down -- curse him and his stereotypically mannish "long hair down=sexy" ideas -- Bree does indeed look good with her hair down. She meekly, nervously, seedily asks George if the hair-down approach looks better. Bree! Where is the woman who so self-confidently commanded George and his erection to stand down? She really is a sad, sad shadow of her former self. By way of an answer, George plants a tender, delicate peck on her lips, and Bree swoons and tells him how nice the kiss was. Green light! George dives on top of her. Bree struggles a bit, and George asks if "this" is okay. Bree: "I thought we were going to let the duck digest a bit, but...what the heck!"
George grinds his mouth on Bree's face for a few seconds more, until she sits up, clutching the back of her neck, and says she feels "something weird." George: "That was my tongue. It extends farther than most. I should have warned you." Ha! Also, I'm trying to imagine how such a warning might unfold. Like, over the duck, George oh-so-casually says, "By the way, Bree, I have an enormously probing Gene Simmons-like tongue. Just, you know...heads up!" Or maybe he should have had a bumper sticker made. Anyway, Bree doesn't think the problem is George's giraffe tongue; rather, it's something disturbing actually on her neck. George looks concerned for one nanosecond, and then dives back on top of her. After a few more seconds of this, she starts violently scratching at her neck, and George finally backs off, commenting that she appears to have a "huge rash." And she really, really does. Do you remember that episode on the original Star Trek, when that alien sucked the essential salts out of people's bodies using its sucker-covered "hands"? Well, Bree's rash looks very much like those salt-sucker wounds. In short: this isn't the foxiest we've ever seen Bree look. But at least her hair's finally down! George wonders if maybe it was something she ate, but that's not possible: she's made duck à l'orange countless times! Abruptly it occurs to her, as it occurred to so many of us like ten episodes ago, that George is the hive-maker. Without further ado, she kicks George out onto the stoop, and he whines, "But the kids are away...I was sort of hoping we would make love tonight." Ewww! Bree: "How are we going to do that, George? You have just given me hives." She shuts the door in his face, and once again his hair blows back in that oh-so familiar way. MAVO: "Though painful to hear, George had to admit: at least this excuse was original." You see that there? Kind of funny!
Susan is helping mom Sophie get fitted into a big, fluffy white wedding dress. MAVO says some gross stuff about how little girls, and also big girls (i.e. Susan), dream of white weddings. (You know who else? Billy Idol! Billy Idol dreams of white weddings.) MAVO goes on about how frustrating it is for little big girls to wait for the little big boys in their lives to propose. As Susan pins Sophie's dress, she shoots mournful looks over at Mike, who's on the couch reading a paper. Wait a second. Just how long have Susan and Mike been really, truly dating? A scant year at most, right? Considering that it's been the most tumultuous year ever -- with multiple breakups and get-back-togethers and guns and kidnapping and bodies -- a sane woman should still be miles away from thoughts of big fluffy white dresses. But of course Susan isn't a sane woman, no not at all. Susan absentmindedly stabs Sophie with a pin. Sophie cries out, and Susan, all frustrated, tells her to go to a real dressmaker. Sophie suggests that they trade roles: Susan will put the dress on while Sophie does the pinning, since they're still the exact same size and all. ["Since I'm not afraid, looking at her, that Lesley Ann Warren might Karen Carpenter over at any second, that's just not true." -- Wing Chun] Susan sighs and rolls her eyes at that last part, and Mike chuckles over their bickering. Sophie tells Mike that he'll have to leave during the dress swap because he can't see Susan in a wedding dress -- not until their "big day." Susan, understandably mortified, gasps and gives a teenaged "Mom!" yelp. Mike, absently: "No, it's not a problem, I can see her in it." Both Susan and Sophie's faces fall. What? Mike doesn't want to marry Susan? But then Mike clarifies, still with eyes glued to the paper: "I assume you'll want to pick out your own wedding dress when we get married." This causes the two ladies to explode with excitement. Sophie says that Mike sounds like he proposing. Mike, still not looking up: "Did it? Huh, what do you know." Sophie wonders if he's planning to "pop the question"?! Mike: "Well, if she knows it's coming, then it's not really a 'pop.'" This sends Susan into a spiral of questions about when, approximately, he's going propose. Mike puts her off, once again referring to the definition of "pop," and then heads out. Sophie pumps both fists into the air with a big "yay!" Susan gives another little teen-exasperated "Mom!," but then bites her lip and smiles.
Bree, her hair down (more yay) and in a very cute cashmere sweater (white with built-in black neck sash), is at Dr. Goldfine's office. She is telling him about her rash, and insists that it had absolutely nothing to do with, as Dr. G suggests, a subconscious desire on her part to sabotage things with George, or any lingering feelings that "making love" to another man would mean she was cheating on Rex. Bree: "Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse." In any case, Bree doesn't even believe in the subconscious! Dr. G points out that, clearly, something subterranean is going on: Bree's been rubbing her vacant ring finger throughout the entire session. Bree looks unsettled by this observation. And yet? While some of this is clearly about Bree missing Rex, isn't it possible that the finger rubbing is simply the tic of absence that comes from the sudden removal of any ring or piece of body jewelry that's been in place for a long period of time?
Down at Lynette's office, there's a staff meeting going on. Bossy Boobs tells Lynette that she's "on point" for Monday's re-pitch to the Kamorov vodka people. Lynette, who is somewhat frantically shoving bagel into her face, says that she's up for challenge. Bossy then asks Lynette to do her a favor, though, and maybe not wear the green suit? Lynette haltingly says that she wasn't planning to. As she says this, she wipes her mouth with her "fuck you" finger. Smooth! Lynette asks Bossy what's wrong with the green suit, and Bossy tells her it's the fabric: it has this "quality" to it that makes it seem like you could "wipe it clean with a damp cloth." This quip earns a few titters from the staff. Bossy pushes Lynette to name which suit, exactly, she plans to wear -- certainly not the grey one, right? Lynette mentions the blue one, and this gets even more laughs. Bossy calls over receptionist Stu, and asks him do his "Lynette and her blue suit" impression, which he did for everyone at lunch. Stu seems somewhat shamefaced about this, so Bossy does it for him: she takes some bagel crumbs and rubs them into her shoulder, saying, "Look at me! I'm Lynette! I've got food stains everywhere!" Lynette's face falls, and, really, this seems unusually, impossibly cruel and clearly something that any normal, real-world boss would confine to one-on-one feedback. Also, I don't really remember Lynette ever looking notably threadbare at work? I mean, she looked good on "Boogie Shoes" night. Though maybe I was just distracted by all the gyrating. Lynette asks, if she gets the suit dry-cleaned, will that be acceptable? Stu points out that the pants also have a split seam in the back. Bossy gives Lynette a big, smug look. Yuck.
The Lecherous Lawyer Bradley and Gabby are at the courthouse. It's forty minutes before Carlos's hearing; the LLB is marching Gabby home so that she can change out of her slutty Solid Gold dancer outfit and into something more sympathetically mother-to-be. Gabby is putting up a stink about how hiding a body such as hers is "never a good idea," and the LLB is pointing out that is, in fact, a good idea when you're trying to come off as "the pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue." Suddenly, some guy named "Louis" comes up to them. He's upset with the LLB for filing a restraining order against Louis on behalf of "Crystal." Louis insists that it's all a misunderstanding -- that really he loves Crystal. The LLB: "We all love the pretty ladies at the Stop 'n Shop. But now you've got to love her from fifty yards away." Ha! The LLB tries to walk Gabby away, but Louis trots after them, insisting that the LLB turned Crystal against him. The LLB rather bluntly informs Louis that he's a pathetic stalker. Louis: "Oh yeah? Then why did she ask for my phone number?" The LLB: "She's a cashier. You paid by check. That doesn't make you special." The LLB grabs Gabby again, and they march up the hall. Louis yells at the LLB, all, "Don't you walk away from me!" The LLB exasperatedly turns and says, "This is your problem: you're creepy. Nobody likes you. What you call a conversation the rest of us call harassment. You want a friend? Get a hamster." Which reminds me, did you know that Delia's carries shirts that read "Damn it's good to be a Hamster"? The LLB and Gabby turn away one last time, and Louis totally pulls out a gun and starts shooting. The LLB spins Gabby off to the side of the hall, out of harm's way, as he himself hides behind a bucket full of mops. Miraculously -- either because the LLB's metal briefcase saves him (though there are zero bullet dents in it) or the man's aim is incredibly pathetic -- the LLB survives the attack. Panicked, the man throws the gun at the LLB, and the LLB catches it. So when the police arrive, they mistake him for the shooter, and shoot him in the chest. The LLB collapses to the floor and Gabby screams and crawls over to comfort him.
CreePaul is out in front of his house, mowing his lawn right there in front of god, Bree, Gabby, and everyone. MAVO says some shit about weeds, and how hard they are to get rid of. Much like CreePaul! The two Wisteria ladies are talking to each other on the phone about the brazen sight that is CreePaul. They speculate about whether the police ought to be called, and are just about ready to call 911 when Susan's car rolls up. She gets out and yanks a great number of grocery bags out of the trunk -- more than, I'm guessing, someone of her diminished stature and muscle mass could handle with as much ease as she's experiencing, which makes the bags look very prop-y. Susan turns with her bags and gets her first eyeful of Creep. The bags, as is their destiny, go crashing to the sidewalk. A lone can rolls across the street, and CreePaul stops it with his foot. With menace in his eyes and maybe also in his heart, throat, penis, and shoes, CreePaul picks up the can and crosses the street. Susan launches her patented "stunned babble," and manages to ask him something along the lines of "Why are you here?" CreePaul tells her that this is his home and that he's come to find his son. He tries to hand her the pie filling (pie, don't tell me Skeletal Susan's eating...oh, I give up), but she freaks out and starts yelling, telling him to "put that pie filling down. Slowly!" CreePaul keeps talking to her calmly, but Susan scrambles for her purse, saying she's going to call 911. Gabby and Bree arrive, and stand protectively in front of Susan. Aw! The ladies tell CreePaul that they know what he did to Mrs. Huber, and that they've called the police. CreePaul: "I see you've all turned into Susan while I've been gone." Ha! The police arrive, along with half the neighborhood. The neighbors buzz and titter about how scary it is to have been living alongside a killer, and Edie proudly declares that she not only lived in CreePaul's midst: she made out with him, too. Susan spills the story about how CreePaul confessed to her boyfriend Mike that he's a murderer, and that her boyfriend Mike has Mrs. Huber's diary, which corroborates the whole story. CreePaul dismissively requests permission to get started with his raking. Susan, the policeman, and the rest of the neighborhood head over to Mike's.
Mike opens the door, and is less than thrilled to find an entire nation of people on his doorstep. Susan whiningly demands that he back her up, but he is in no backing-up mood! He scoffs that CreePaul said no such thing, and that Mrs. Huber kept no such diary! Susan looks crushed, but Mike brushes past her and heads off to work. And, once again, the entire neighborhood thinks Susan's gone around the bend. Edie: "Well, someone might as well say it: Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?"
Lynette comes home with $3000 worth of fancy suits. Mr. Mom Tom is not amused. She tries to win him over with how very FINE she looks in the most expensive one of the bunch, a cream-colored flirty thing with a kicky little hem and a $900 price tag. And while it is a very flattering suit (if a little tight across the chest and hip region), it's hard to imagine anything less practical for someone with eight million kids and a limited budget. Maybe something that a person could, say, sit down in without necessitating a trip to the dry cleaners -- that might have been a little saner. Nonetheless, Lynette is clearly smitten with the suit, and I understand how sometimes these intense attractions form. Lynette does some more winking and ass-shaking in an attempt to convince Tom of how necessary the suit is, but Tom still isn't buying. His eyes are on the price tag of the twins' looming braces, and preschool for Baby Girl P, and Little Big P's math tutor. He says a bunch of stuff about "sacrifices" and "parenting," and finally, after some last-ditch pouting and panicked volunteering to tutor Little Big P on her own, Lynette gives in and agrees to return all the clothes, adding, "Could you step out for a minute, please? I want to be alone with [the white suit] for a little while."
Bree, reading in bed, catches herself rubbing her empty ring finger again. Disgusted with herself, she calls George and, in an insanely chipper tone, instructs him to arrange for a "just the two of" them romantic hotel getaway, something "out of town." George, who seems to have one hand well underneath the covers positioned suspiciously close to his "jungle," calmly agrees. They get off the phone, and he pumps his unoccupied fist skyward in a gesture of victory. Bree and George have amazingly similar imposing, dark-wood bed frames. They are like twins -- twins with an amazingly uncomfortable sex scene on the horizon. Just you wait!
Nighttime. Mike pulls into his driveway and out pops Susan, like a scary, scary scarecrow, specially built to repel men. Her hair is so greasy, at first I thought it was newly showered. Oh, Susan. Susan confronts Mike about his denial of her claims, and he very reasonably explains that, as a man on probation, he couldn't tell the police about Paul's confession because that would have meant also telling them the part about how he feloniously kidnapped CreePaul and held a gun to his head -- a gun of the sort that ex-cons are not allowed to possess. This would have gotten Mike in a great deal of trouble ("ten to fifteen years"). And then he reminds Susan that Mrs. Huber's diary may have featured the gossip hound's confessions of blackmailing Mary Alice, but it also contained details about how Susan burned Edie's house to the ground. So maybe, if Susan would like to keep herself, and Mike, out of jail, she should put a sock in it. Just, you know...maybe. Susan coos and ahs, and then she does some stomping and says, "I just can't believe it! I mean, there is a murderer just living right on our street and there's nothing we can do about it because you're a convicted felon and I burned down that stupid house. It's not fair!" Mike tries to soothe her by telling her that, with CreePaul back, Zana is surely soon to follow, which leaves Susan looking understandably uncomfortable.
Gabby visits the LLB in the hospital. She is wearing a strange pink tank top that is split up the front but tied together with four separate bows that allow alternating patches of bare chest flesh to peek through. It is, perhaps, not the most platonic top ever. The LLB wears nothing but a gown and lots of crisscrossing bandaging that somehow still allows his right nipple to wink through. Gabby discovers that the LLB has no friends: it's been two days since the shooting, and she's his first visitor. Really, not one of his many past conquests cares enough that he's been shot? He must have a nasty habit of ending things badly. His co-workers have sent flowers, but they arrived along with a card that reads "Who knew you could actually bleed. Sincerely, Your Stunned Co-Workers." I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for him, but I feel kind of neutral. Gabby asks if he's going to eat his lunch, and the LLB says somewhat pathetically that he can't cut it due to his sling. Gabby: "Well, we're not going to let you starve to death. Besides, you're going to need your strength to get my husband out of jail." She starts cutting up his food, and he confesses to her that, while waiting for the ambulance, he seriously thought he was going to die, and how scared he was. Gabby says something noncommittal, like "of course you were," and the LLB tenderly thanks her for not making fun of him. She says, "Sure," and then "open up," and she spoons some food into his mouth, and he receives the bite with that weird "eye contact!" forced sexiness that some European men get out on the dance floor.
Lynette arrives at work wearing a frumpy grey suit, and is confronted with the disquieting sight of an entire horde of well-dressed clients, all milling about in the conference room. So she sneaks back to her car, grabs the white suit (which is bagged up and ready for returning), and tiptoes back to the office bathroom. MAVO advises us of the department store's ten-day return policy as Lynette does some MacGyvering with paperclip, which she uses to attach the jacket's price tag to its lining. (Lynette, just in case anyone's wondering, is a size 4P. ["P? She looks pretty tall to me." -- Wing Chun]) As she walks out of the bathroom, she encounters Bossy Boobs, who makes a pointed comment about how cute it is that Lynette went out and bought a suit: "I'm flattered, really. I mean...who knew that you cared so much about what I think." Lynette tries to pretend she doesn't know what Bossy's talking about, so Bossy clarifies her point, and ends with a super-mean little "dance puppet, dance" whisper-sing, to help further articulate the subservient nature of their relationship. Lynette tries to deny that she bought the suit in response to Bossy's bitchy comments, saying that she merely forgot she had it. Bossy is understandably incredulous that Lynette had been sitting on this fantastic suit all along, but she gives a "huh, okay" kind of nod, and they head into the meeting. Lynette starts in with her Karamov vodka pitch (apparently the new tagline is "Get ready," which is idiotic, and yet...kind of speaks to the implied rollercoaster that vodka does on so many occasions set into motion). Lynette's immediately ass-deep in her pitch, all "mind share" and "persuasive engineering," when Bossy stops her. Apparently, Lynette didn't realize that the skirt had its own tag, which is hanging out the back. Bossy reaches around Lynette and rips of the tag, and Lynette gives a goosed kind of jump. Cringe! Bossy turns to the clients and tells them, "Look at that, everybody: Lynette just bought herself a beautiful brand-new suit. Doesn't she look great?" The room remains totally silent as Bossy returns to her chair. Finally, Bossy tells Lynette to "go on," and Lynette jolts into action.
In court. Judge Brostoff asks the courtroom to be seated. Carlos and the LLB sit at the defense desk, and Gabby sits behind them, wearing a much more matronly purple suede blazer. The judge rather nicely tells the LLB that he's glad to see him back on his feet. The LLB thanks him, and then he gets up to speak on Carlos's behalf: "The defense moves to dismiss this case immediately on the grounds that the defendant..." he turns and gives a long, soulful look in Gabby's direction. After a few beats, the judge asks what the deal is, and the LLB closes his eyes for a second and then confesses that he "just can't," and leaves the courtroom. Gabby clickclacks after him. Upon standing, Gabby's outfit is somewhat less matronly, what with the slit going all the way up to here. She catches up to the LLB in the hall, and starts to yell at him. He tells her he quits, and she does some more yelling about how no one quits right in the middle of a hearing. The LLB: "I'd love to get your idiot husband out of jail, but I just...can't." Gabby asks what it is that he wants, and he, with soap-opera sincerity, breathlessly informs her that he's in love with her, something he only realized after she visited him in the hospital. The LLB: "And when I look into your eyes, I know you feel it too." Gabby looks sort of puzzled. The LLB says, "We belong together," and then turns to go. Gabby grabs his arm and tries to pull him back into the courtroom with her: "Okay, yeah, [LLB]? If you don't get back in there right now, I will go get a gun a shoot you myself." The LLB shakes his head and says "I can't" one more time, walking out.
Susan has her head under her kitchen sink; she's monkeying around with her pipes. Personally, if I were dating a plumber, I'd have him come over and fix my plumbing (and then I'd have him come over and fix my plumbing). But, okay, sisters are doing it for themselves, etc. She hears a knock on her front door, and yells "come in," all "Yes, the murdering neighbor is back in town, but sure, whoever's at the door, come on in, the door's totally unlocked!" CreePaul strolls in with a very calm, cool, and collected expression on his face. (Really, it's strange how laidback he is in this episode, after how very tense he's been up until now? I guess losing everything can do that to a man.) He says hello, and of course Susan cracks her head on the counter. Apparently, CreePaul found one of the flyers Susan put up around town in his mail, and he wonders if she happened to find out anything about where Zana might be. The desperate "psychopath of least resistance" music starts up, and Susan does some disastrously transparent hemming and hawing, along with some very obvious groping in the sink behind her. Seriously, she's biting her tongue as she concentrates on her plain-as-day sink-rooting -- it's like she's trapped in her own endless episode of Scooby Doo. CreePaul keeps walking closer and closer, saying that he knows how Zana hid out at Susan's house once before, and maybe he's still there? Susan denies that Zana is in the house, and CreePaul menacingly says that maybe they should double-check. Susan squeaks that she swears Zana isn't there. Finally, CreePaul stops his eerie walking to ask what it is Susan's trying to grab in the sink. Susan: "A knife...I just want to...slice some tomatoes." CreePaul helpfully turns and grabs a knife from the big knife tower on the counter. (Nice plan, Susan. Grabbing for a knife when your potential assailant is six American inches from a knife-a-teria?) With the knife pointing right at Susan, CreePaul silently starts walking closer and closer. Susan: "I don't know how I know this, but I think he's in Utah." CreePaul keeps coming. Susan: "He took a bus, to Bountiful. You have family there, right?" CreePaul takes another step closer, and now he's right up in her face, the knife glittering. Susan: "Okay, I gave him the bus fare!" Paul smiles, flips the knife so it's handle-side out, and hands it to Susan. CreePaul: "You might want to be careful with that. You seem a little jittery." That creepy, creepy CreePaul! Also? Earth calling Susan! Come in, Susan: Now would be a great time to tell Mike how you sent Zana to Utah. Just a suggestion!
In the prison visiting room, Gabby is trying to smooth things over with Carlos. Gabby: "How was I supposed to know that [the LLB] would take a bullet and suddenly be in love with me?" Carlos just sighs and looks bored. Gabby says that she knows she was the one who made Carlos hire the LLB, but she promises that she'll do anything within her power to "fix this." Carlos: "All right. Go have sex with Bradley." Gabby: "What!?" Carlos: "Well, that's what you want me to say, isn't it?" Carlos chuckles woefully and comments on what a great job Gabby and the LLB did, setting him up. Gabby is incredulous. Carlos: "Let's see. The guy tells me to my face he wants to get in your pants, quits a week before my trial, and now you can't wait to do anything to get him back?" I'm kind of confused. I got the impression that when Gabby said she'd do anything to "fix this," she was talking about hiring yet another lawyer, and not convincing the LLB to stay on the case, so to speak. Whatevskis! Carlos stands and tells the guards he'd like to "go back to jail now." Gabby: "How dare you think that of me. I have been nothing but faithful to you...since you've been in here." Ha! Carlos tells her to "save it" -- that he knows when he's "been outfoxed" -- but that Gabby shouldn't pretend she's doing all this for him, because he'd rather rot in jail. Gabby says that a lesser woman would let him rot there, but she won't give him the satisfaction: "So you better start packing up your shanks, or whatever you people make in here, because you're coming home with me." Gabby storms out, and the guard comes up behind Carlos. Carlos sighs and defeatedly tells the guard, "I don't have any shanks," like, clearly Carlos knows he's in for some major strip-searching.
Over at the check-in counter of a fancy hotel, Bree has her hair down and is wearing a lovely belted light-weight camel coat, a pastel flowered silk scarf, pearls, and a cable-knit coral-pink sweater, the edges of which you can see peeking out behind the scarf. Welcome back, Bree! Welcome back. George and Bree are checking in, and as the hotelier processes their paperwork, George asks Bree what she'd like to do first. Her answer -- "antiquing" -- clearly isn't the one he was hoping for. (Unless...that's some terrible new term for some terrible...old...sex act?) The hotelier directs Bree over to the brochure area, calling her "Mrs. Williams," which George immediately corrects. The hotelier says, with odd emphasis, that he is "so sorry [to hear that Bree is not married to George]!" Slowly, Bree's smile starts to fade, and the wacky "I'm got an itch, and not in a sexy way" Housewives music swells. The hives! They're back! George says something about the terrific farmer's market they have there, and how they should "pick up some nectarines," which is weirdly funny, and then he notices Bree's itching. Bree pulls him aside and frantically tells him she can't stay there with him: the rash is back! He reminds her about the antihistamines he brought, and the three hours they just drove, but she still says she wants to go home, because clearly the rash is psychosomatic, and nothing they can do will help. The hotelier asks if there's a problem. A flustered George quickly says that there's no problem as he scratches Bree's neck and she blows down the front of her sweater. Ha ha! George volunteers to get Bree her own room, and keep the trip platonic -- they can just shift the focus of the trip to...antiquing (eww!). Bree says that she knows he didn't come there to "shop," but he rather nicely assures her that he came there to spend time with her, and that time doesn't have to be in bed. Yeah, right! Bree is very happy, and immediately starts talking about the "tons" of fun things they can do that don't involve sex. George: "You betcha!" He turns to take care of the paperwork for the additional room, and Bree delightfully calls out to him that her rash? Is magically gone. George looks less than pleased.
Lynette comes home in the middle of the day, all "job, what job?" She is wearing the cream suit -- the cream suit that she promised Tom that she'd return. Tom is mad, mad, mad. She explains that she couldn't face going into a room full of Armani suits with, she says, "two-year-old breast milk crusted on my lapel." You mean Lynette got a new job but didn't get her suits dry-cleaned? That is kind of ew. Tom doesn't seem moved by this argument. So Lynette tells him that she actually "kicked ass" in the meeting because of the suit. The suit is magical! The suit gives her powers to kick ass! He asks her why she is so obsessed with this suit, but she says itis an obsession, which by its very nature can't be explained. Tom spits that they are "parents and can't afford the luxury of obsessions." And that's when Lynette walks over to the trunk and busts out her trump card: a fancy, fancy set of golf clubs. For Tom! Lynette: "Sometimes, we just need to get something that makes us happy. I know that sounds selfish, but I've been thinking: it might make us better people. And maybe? Even better parents." Her delivery is so smooth, so polished here, clearly the suit is working! Tom tries to balk, but she puts a club in his hand and whispers "carbon fiber shafts" in his ear. He takes one swing with the club, and suddenly he is transformed. Tom: "Wow. I feel like a better parent already." And goodbye to the kids' college funds!
George and Bree are at dinner; she's wearing a dazzlingly shiny deep turquoise top. She's very chipper, all caught up in talk about "going horseback riding," but George is sullen and reserved, staring as he is at the freaky couple sitting across from them in the restaurant, totally making out. Bree notices his distraction and puts her hand on his, which he pulls away. She asks him what's wrong, and he says he just doesn't think they should risk Bree getting another rash. She looks a little stung by his rejection (all according to the plan!), and George uses that moment to dig into his pocket and pull out the bottle of "antihistamines" he brought. She willingly takes some, what with George reassuring her that they're totally fine with wine.
Cut to Bree being walk-carried by George across the hotel lobby. The same persnickety, disapproving hotelier is there, wondering, again, if everything is okay? George tries to laugh it off, with an explanation of a little "too much wine," but Bree slurs that she thinks it was the "annahismeens."
Upstairs, George tips a giggling, stumbling Bree back on her bed. She moans, and he takes off her shoes, telling her he loves her very much. Bree laughs and says she knows. George says that he wants more than anything for Bree to love him back. But Bree is gone. Goodnight Mr. Walter! George nudges down his tie with a look of gross determination on his face, and...commercial! It is a verrrryyyy creepy moment, and while I'm of the opinion that George didn't actually rape Bree here, I'm not at all surprised by the many viewers who have reported thinking so on the forum boards.
But, when we come back from commercials, Bree is still lying on top of her undisturbed bed and George is sitting in a chair, watching her with a concentration that is admittedly pervy in the extreme, yet still, he is completely dressed (minus the tie). And Bree's outfit is also intact (right down to her pantyhose, which as anyone who has ever worn pantyhose well knows, would take some considerable, run-risking effort to remove and then put back into place). And finally: why should George rape an unconscious Bree when he could emotionally blackmail a conscious Bree into sex, as he proceeds to do here? (Not that rape necessarily has any logical relationship to sex, however closely pending it may be, but still...my vote on the "George as rapist" issue is still NO. "George as revolting, panty-groping, pill-swapping midget with undoubtedly unpleasant sexual organs with whom I would never willingly engage in sexual intercourse"? YES.) Bree asks George to be patient as she works through her "my husband of eighteen years just died" issues, and George tells her that, oh, he'll wait for her, all right, but only so long: "There's only so much rejection I can take. I'll do my best. But don't be surprised if one of these days you wake up and...I'm not here." Bree looks utterly unhinged by this news. George makes some mutterings about needing to get back to his room; they need sleep to be fresh for tomorrow morning's "antiquing." He walks toward the door, and Bree calls out to him to stop, please, come back! (Season 1 Bree would have watched him go with amused glee and ordered herself some serious room service. Where are you, Season 1 Bree?) George walks back to the bed and makes some utterly disingenuous objection, like "but what about your rash?" And Bree, her voice strained with a false sense of lusty carefreedom, says she'll just have to push on through! They fall back onto the bed, kissing, and the camera pointedly pans to the bedside clock. It is 3:25. (Insert horrible, ungodly, and surely arrhythmic sex here.)
At 4:30, George is tucked in bed. He has no shirt on. Bree is sitting in the same chair George was stalking in before, back when the world was sane and birds still tweeted and cookies didn't taste like sadness. And Bree? Does not look happy. No sir. She looks like she's been crying herself raw. And she's desperately, desperately rubbing her ring finger. Oh man. That wasn't funny!
The LLB arrives at the house of Victoria's Secret. Gabby is wearing nothing but a silky, silky robe and a lilac bra and panties. She knocks LLB down on the bed and whispers how much she wants him, but only on her terms -- namely, they sex and sex and sex it up whenever and wherever, but she stays married to Carlos, given how she's Catholic and uncomfortable with divorce. The LLB tries to be strong. He says no, and retreats to the other side of the bedroom. But his face, it is sweaty. Gabby: "I thought this was what you wanted," gesturing down at her crazy-beautiful body. The LLB slides onto Gabby's bed (at least I think this is Gabby's bed. I don't remember there being a canopy over their bed) and says: "I want all of you. All or nothing." Gabby, sliding onto the bed to him: "Then it's nothing." The LLB: "So you won't get a divorce, but you'll have an affair." Gabby: "I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic." They do a little dry full-body-massaging, and suddenly the LLB totally agrees to Gabby's terms. He swings her back into a big kiss, and she promptly pokes him in his bullet hole (not a metaphor). He screams in pain, and she calmly informs him that clearly he is not in love with her, because any man truly in love would never agree to a "cheap, illicit affair" with someone he loved. In fact, Carlos's difficulty with sharing her was what extended his prison sentence to eight years! The LLB tries to protest, but she shushes him, saying that what he feels for Gabby is just "lust, mixed with post-traumatic stress." She tells him she will see him in court tomorrow at 10; otherwise, she will have him disbarred for sexual harassment. Clever plan, Gabby. And yet, there'll be exactly zero chance of Carlos believing that you didn't sex LLB now, since that's what Carlos will obviously assume is the only way possible she could have convinced the LLB. Anyway, on to the commercials! (What's this? An actual Victoria's Secret ad? Nicely timed.)
Mike comes over to CreePaul's house to tell him that nobody wants him on Wisteria Lane. Paul scoffs at Mike's threats, saying that Susan also tried to steer him off the scent with her crazy story about sending Zana to Utah. A funny look slithers across Mike's face, and he asks, "What did Susan tell you?"
Cut to Susan, at home with Sophie, trying on her mother's wedding dress. Uh oh. Mike walks in and starts right with the "I need to ask you something important." Sophie immediately thinks that it's proposal time, so she goes -- not to give them privacy but to...get her camera. Susan calls Sophie off and asks Mike what's going on. Mike: "Did you give [Zana] money to go to Utah?" Susan's face falls. She tries to explain, whispering something about how "he was talking so much about Julie," and how obsessive Zana was. Mike, quietly, deadly: "Yes or no?" Susan, clearly very worried, finally says a small, little "yes." And from that second, you can tell Mike is done. He turns and walks out, and Susan, still wearing the dress, follows him to his truck. She's crying now, babbling that she didn't do it to hurt him, etc. Mike: "You said you wanted to help me, and I believed you. That's it: we're done." And he just gets in his truck and backs out of the driveway. Susan gets in front of the truck, and she is full-tilt bawling now. And it is...not a pretty sight. In fact, it is perhaps the most ugly I've ever seen an actress let herself get on camera. Some people on the boards described the look as "Klingon," but I stick with "Gary Oldman as Dracula." Seriously, veins are arcing out of Susan's head, and she looks like some kind of low-budget special effect gone terribly awry. She begs and pleads, but Mike just reverses his truck and drives around her as she yells, "Please, no, please" and then a guttural "Come back! Come back!" CreePaul, who's standing out in front of his house, exchanges a long, enigmatic look with her and then goes inside. Susan collapses, still crying, crying, crying, right there in the street, and one by one the ladies of Wisteria, who have all been watching this horrible scene unfold, drift out to comfort her. MAVO says something shitty about some little girls' dreams of white weddings not coming true. And that's it. A painful, painful ending. Also, Sophie? Sorry about your wedding dress. It looks like you're going to need to get that dry-cleaned. Let's hope they do a better job than they did with Lynette's crusted-on breast milk!
week: George proposes, The Ps get a look at Lynette and Tom's home sex tape, and Caleb "Flash" Applewrong runs away from home!