There are a few reveals worked into this "what if?" episode, the biggest one being that Karl died. While we're waiting to find that out, though, Susan imagines what her life would have been like if she hadn't left Karl when she found out he cheated. We flash into the la-la land, and he kept on cheating. She got fat, Mike slipped through her fingers -- proving himself to be a little shallow, possibly -- and then Karl left her anyway. When she was finally told Karl had died, she could only feel grateful about the life she'd chosen. Bree, who had some minor scrapes from the plane crash, drifted off after finding out Karl had died into her own "what if?" -- this one about what if he'd lived. Turns out he also would have cheated on her, and Orson would have died of a broken heart, pining for Bree up to the end of his life. She wakes up and asks the doctor how he is, but he might be paralyzed. At least he's alive, though. I was not going to be happy if we ended up with more Karl and less Orson.
Angie's "what if?" is the most revelatory, because she isn't sure if Mona's going to die (which is silly, considering she was hit by a plane, but it's just a plot device, so let's not dwell). She imagines what will happen if Mona recovers, and it's not pretty. She gets arrested, we find out her last name is really De Luca, and that her former lover, Patrick Logan, was all in charge and she could go free if she'd give him up. He's more scary to her than jail, though, so she ends up getting life in prison for whatever she did, which left someone dead. Danny watches her trial, but Nick's not there, because he's in his own trouble for his involvement in whatever sort of terrorism it was. When she stops imagining, though, she finds out Mona's dead. Which, in some ways, moves us backward in furthering this plot line, but I'll take it because I like Drea De Matteo, and didn't like Mona.
Gaby thinks God saved Celia (using Lynette as his instrument) because she's "special." Gaby imagines that she might be special as an actress, and dreams a "what if?" in which she makes Celia's life miserable and pushes Carlos away by auditioning Celia for everything. She ages 50 years in the 20, and is sad and miserable, so when she wakes up, she tells Carlos that Celia doesn't have to do anything to be special. When Lynette saved Celia, she fell and hurt herself, and possibly the babies. Turns out one of them has some problems that will require surgery, and could leave him disabled. Lynette imagines the disabled baby's life, and it starts out kind of terrible with her wanting to give up. But then she helps make him independent and he makes a touching law school graduation speech about her determination. When she wakes up, Tom tells her they lost that baby, but the other one's fine. Gaby brings her flowers and says she's sorry. They both cry and Lynette says his name was going to be Patrick, and he would have been amazing. At Karl's funeral, Susan and Bree are both a little sad, but mostly thankful he's out of their freaking lives for good. Just like we all are.
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Previously: Lynette and Gaby got in a fight. So did Karl and Orson. And Mona threatened Angie. Luckily, a plane crash came and solved all of those problems: Lynette saved Gaby's daughter, Celia. Someone died inside the Santa house where Karl and Orson were fighting. Mona got hit by the airplane wing. We pick up tonight with a news anchor reporting from the site of the crash on Wisteria. Mary Alice says that if we watch the news tonight, we'll hear all about a tragedy on the suburban street. We'll get eyewitness accounts (from the Scavo boys). But the account won't tell us who survived, because no one yet knows for sure.
Cut to the hospital, where Susan shows up. Lynette, Tom, Bob, Mrs. McCluskey, Carlos and the Bolens greet her with coffee and explanations (she drove to the hospital after getting a text from Julie). They fill Susan in that Karl is in surgery, and there was a lot of bleeding, so he might not make it. Orson and Mona also are in surgery, but Bree's going to be okay. Celia has a concussion, which prompts Carlos to tell her they owe her everything. It's very sweet. Everyone decides to pray, and once it's silent, Lynette has a pain in her stomach. Mary Alice says the truth is that no one knows who survived, or who didn't. Lynette tells Tom she thinks there's something wrong with the babies. Opening titles.
Mrs. McC asks Susan later if she's heard about Karl. He's still in surgery. Mrs. McC feels like a hypocrite for praying for Karl now, after not speaking to him since he cheated on Susan. Susan says it's complicated for her, too, and Mary Alice leads us into ... not a flashback, not a flashforward, but a "what if" segment that NEVER HAPPENED and NEVER WILL. And it's only the first of several of those this episode, which brings me to my own: What if I didn't have to weecap this episode? Or, even better, what if this show had new writers who wouldn't come up with this kind of boring crap?
Anyway, Susan thinks about her marriage to Karl and how great it was until he became a big cheater. Then she imagines what it would have been like if she hadn't left him for cheating. Susan runs out after Karl, and calls him back. He wonders why, since she just kicked him out. Susan says they owe it to Julie and their 12 years of marriage, but she won't let him touch her, since he's still a pig. She makes him fess up to everyone he's been with since they were married, and he starts listing them. He gets through Brandy, Amber (dental hygienist), Kwan Lee (massage lady), nameless cable installer... when Susan tells him she doesn't actually want to know. She starts eating, and we flash forward to fat Susan. I don't know how they did it, but they even fattened up her legs. And Teri Hatcher looks completely weird in a fat suit. Also, she's wearing a little summery halter top that no person that fat would wear. She's baking cookies, though, of course. Do you get it? All she does is eat her troubles away since she's with Karl. Because he's a pig.
Fat Susan's doorbell rings, and it's Mike, who introduces himself, but she says they met at Mary Alice's funeral. He's there to fix her clogged sink, and she makes small talk with him while he works on her pipes. She gets a call while he's working, and it's Karl telling her he'll be working late and his work switchboard will be closed so she can't call. Susan tells Mike that her husband's screwing his secretary and suggests maybe it would be great for him to come home and find her in bed with another man. Mike jumps up, saying he has to go get a part at the hardware store. She kisses him, and he starts to head off. Susan asks if she's that undesirable and the writers go for the easy joke, having him say she is, "in a big way." He does tell her she's pretty, but married, and that if she's unhappy, she should do something about it. She eats dough out of the bowl, then catches her reflection in the toaster and throws the bowl in the sink.
Flash forward further, and a slimmer Susan is coming down the stairs carrying weights. Karl has his bags packed, and she thinks it's another business trip, but nope, he's leaving her. He just can't do it anymore. She can't believe that's it after 15 years of marriage, but he doesn't know what to say. She suggests thanking her for losing weight for him, and for wasting her life on him while he went out and "banged everything with a GED and a tramp stamp." He points out she could have just let him leave the first time, sparing herself this pain. He tells her she really does deserve better and leaves. Back in the real world, a doctor comes in and tells Susan that Karl didn't make it. He leaves, and Mrs. McC can't imagine what Susan's feeling. She tearfully says she's mostly feeling grateful. That's a weird reaction to his death, I think, even after that "what if."
Anyway, now it's Bree's turn. She'll surely have a nicer "what if" about Karl, since she was planning to leave Orson and marry him, right? She's asleep in a hospital bed, when Mary Alice explains she had to be sedated after being told about his death. She began to dream about what her life would have been like if Karl hadn't died. In her dream, he carries her over the threshold and tells her he's doing marriage right this time. Just what every newlywed woman wants to hear, right? They kiss, and she tells him how happy he's made her. She tells him to take off her zipper with his teeth and take her on the table. He teases about the nagging now that they're married. She says the bedroom will work, too, since it's their bed forever. He promises he meant what he said when he proposed: Being with her will make him into a whole different man. She hopes some things don't change.
... And her wish is granted when she walks in on him sleeping with another woman. Her yoga instructor, who offers her free classes. I'm semi-shocked Bree doesn't take her up on that, and instead says, "Like I'm keeping you." Bree tells Karl to get out of her house. He admits it was tacky to do that in their bed. As the yoga instructor leaves, she apologizes and says bye. Karl says he'll call her, and then tells Bree he's sorry he said that: "force of habit." He also tells her this thing doesn't mean anything, and Bree wonders why she thought she could change him. Karl knows that she thought she could turn him into her personal lapdog like Orson. She tells him to leave Orson out of this, but Karl says he hasn't done a thing to Bree that she didn't do to Orson. She tells him to get out.
Sometime later, Bree's being let into Orson's empty apartment after his death. The landlord says Bree was his emergency contact, and he never had a girlfriend. In fact, in seven years, she never saw anyone visit him at all. The landlord found him in the bed two days after having a heart attack. The landlord asks Bree if she can imagine being gone like that and having no one notice. Bree says "Poor Orson" and looks around. She finds a whole table full of photos of Bree and Orson and their life together. It's quite touching, actually, but maybe that's just because I'm a softie for Orson and couldn't be happier to see Karl leave. The landlord tells Bree that Orson spoke about her constantly, and then adds the dumbest, cheesiest thing ever: "It's almost like he died of a broken heart." Right. Seven years later, he died of that. A doctor wakes Bree back in real life, and says Orson's out of danger, but his spinal column might have damaged and could be paralyzed. Bree looks horrified, but we all know she'll love the control this will give her.
The Bolens are sitting in the waiting room, when a nurse tells them the doctors did everything they could, but Mona was hit by a plane. Nick and Angie start to look happy, but the nurse adds all they can do is hope she pulls through. Angie's like, "Pull through? The woman was hit by a plane!" The nurse says the doctors were surprised, too, but Mona's a fighter and now would be a good time to pray. Nick says they will, but when the nurse leaves he tells Angie he'll pray that blackmailing bitch dies. Angie wonders what it will take to kill someone if a plane hitting them won't do it. Nick's going home to pack up their stuff in case Mona wakes up and they have to take off. He tells her to stay and wait it out, but leave if "they take the propeller out of Mona's mouth."
When he leaves, Mary Alice tells us that Angie thinks about the doctors saving Mona, her recovery time, and her telling the police. Then she flashes into her "what if Mona lived" segment. Angie's in an orange jumpsuit being questioned by Agent Padilla. When she asks to see Nick, Padilla tells her that she'll never talk to him again, since the bureau sees him as a traitor. She asks about Danny, and Padilla says, "Tyler is with your mother." He tells Angie he wants Patrick Logan, since he knows he was really the one in charge anyway. Without Logan, it all falls on Angie. She says she hasn't spoken to him since that night, but Padilla's skeptical that she's been on the run 18 years and hasn't exchanged a phone call with her former lover. She tells him not to take this personally, but Padilla and the feds weren't who she was running from. Padilla knows Logan's scary, but says that the mess Angie's in now is worse. Angie: "Then you don't know how scary he is."
At Angie's trial, a judge (who calls Angie "Ms. De Luca") says federal sentencing doesn't allow leniency in this case, but lets her address the court anyway. She stands and says that no one was supposed to get hurt, but "we just believed in something, and wanted to make other people believe in it, too." She turns to a family in the front row, and says, "But someone did get hurt. A man died. I read every newspaper article about your husband, about Sean -- that he coached Little League, that the whole neighborhood came to his funeral." She looks at Danny as she says she never lived anywhere like that or felt like part of a community until they moved to Fairview. Um, Angie, Fairview isn't really the type of place that most people would think of as a warm, comforting community. There's way too much backstabbing and murder. She goes on that she feels horrible for bringing so much pain to the victim's community. The judge sentences her to life in prison and the marshals take her away as Danny screams, "Mom!" Back in the hospital, the nurse comes out to tell her Mona died. She tells Angie not to be angry at God for not answering her prayers, but Angie says she and God are good. Heh.
Gaby's putting some sort of cloth on Celia's forehead when Carlos comes in and says the doctors want to keep Celia overnight for observation, just as a precaution. He tells her they really lucked out, but Gaby says it wasn't luck; it was God. Carlos says no, it was Lynette, but Gaby says Lynette was just his instrument. He says God saved Celia because she's special, and has a gift. Gaby's just not sure what the gift is yet. But she knows Celia will do something amazing. Carlos tells her to figure it out while he's in the cafeteria. Mary Alice says Gaby began to think of ways Celia could shine: music, sports, arts. But she's bad at all of it. Gaby falls asleep to Celia, as she wonders what would happen if Celia were destined to be a great actress. [Because, hey, why not? - Zach]
In her dream, she takes Celia to a commercial audition, in which she perfectly plays the role of Stage Mom, to the point that, when the commercial director can't get Celia to cry for the bandage commercial and tells them "thanks but no thanks," Gaby tells her that Carlos fell down and hurt himself and might not make it. No tears, so Gaby adds that he landed on Celia's hamster, and Mr. McFuzz is dead. Celia cries, and Gaby tells the cameras to start rolling. In the future, a gray-haired Carlos tries to sneak a teenage Celia to summer camp, but Gaby catches them and puts a stop to it so that Celia can go to auditions. Carlos asks Celia to wait in the car and tells Gaby Celia stinks and is just doing this to please Gaby. But Gaby says God saved her for this, and no God would save a kid just to have a normal life. Then Carlos says he'll leave if Gaby doesn't stop what she's doing.
A much older, totally white-haired Gaby watches the bandage commercial in a totally rundown house. It's like a scene from Grey Gardens. When Celia comes in with groceries (bought with food stamps), Gaby gets a call and sets up an audition for a 25-year-old Celia to be a 15-year-old in a commercial. When Celia tells her she doesn't want to be an actress and has listened to Gaby tell her she's destined for great things for the past 20 years (only 20? Why does Gaby look 100, then?). But Celia doesn't want it, and just wants a normal life: marriage and kids. Gaby tells her if they give up, everything she's worked for is nothing. She says Carlos left and Juanita never calls, so this is all Gaby has. Celia agrees to the audition, and Gaby starts fixing her hair. Gaby wakes up to Celia back in the hospital. Carlos comes in with coffee for Gaby and asks what Celia's going to do with her life. Gaby says no, buts he did figure out what she has to do to be special. Celia wakes up and looks at her as she says, "Absolutely nothing." That should have been sweet, I guess, but it was so entirely pointless that it just made me mad.
Lynette's having an ultrasound, wondering how this could have happened, since she felt fine after falling. The doctor says it doesn't take much to cause a tear to the placenta. He says one baby is fine, but if they don't operate on the other one, there could be a decrease in blood flow to the brain, causing a developmental risk. They rush Lynette in for surgery, as she starts to think about the baby she hasn't met. Flash to the what ifs of her holding a baby, and what if the child were disabled. She's trying to help a baby do hamstring stretches with a therapist telling her to tune out the crying. Lynette has to get up and leave in frustration, so Tom takes over and sings through the crying. [Awesomely, he sings "Brandy." - Z] Lynette tells the therapist they haven't seen any milestones since August, and that he should be sitting or crawling. The therapist tells her not to worry so much about what other kids should be doing, or it will drive her crazy. She tells her to focus on the progress he's making, but Lynette can't think of any. She walks off. Tom gives the crying baby to the therapist (that's convenient) and follows Lynette to the laundry room.
Tom asks her what's wrong, and she says she can't do all of the injections and the therapy, since no one can even tell them if it's helping. She says she can't do it anymore, but he says that's wrong. She doesn't want to do it, and neither does Tom, or the baby, but they don't have a choice. She feels like she's being punished, and she doesn't even know why, but Tom tells her not to think about that. She asks what she should think about? Hopes for the future? Because he might not even have one. Tom says he's only 14 months, so don't write him off yet. He tells her to start thinking about the future, because it's coming either way, and she'll either know she did everything she could for her son or she'll be sorry. She goes in the other room and takes over the therapy, telling the therapist she can do this. Tom and Lynette are the best, and this is the only "what if" that's remotely watchable.
An older Lynette is in the kitchen when a boy with a crutch comes in and asks for a sandwich. She tells him to wait until she's done with the dishes, but then she thinks about it and tells him to make one for himself. He gets mad and says she always does it and his friend's mom always makes his, too. But she won't let him make excuses and says he should be glad he's not in a wheelchair like his friend so he can make his own sandwiches. She also says she won't always be here to help him, so one day he'll be glad she made him learn to take care of himself. He gets up and gets the sandwich stuff, dropping the mustard and picking it up. Her hand shakes and she cries as she tries not to help him as he struggles. Then he makes the sandwich and she asks for a bite. He smiles.
We flash forward again, to a "Waldorf University Law School" graduation, as the kid is speaking about his life: how his doctors said he wouldn't make it, then he'd be blind, then he'd be in a wheelchair. He says he really pissed his doctors off, and older Lynette and Tom laugh. The kid continues that his mom was scared at first, which she told him, but she got over it. He says that Gandhi said that strength comes from an indomitable will, and that his mom showed him that every day of his life and now he wants to start showing her. Everyone claps. When Lynette wakes up in the hospital, she asks how the baby is, and Tom tells her that he didn't make it, but the other baby's fine. She cries, and because Felicity Huffman is so great, I cried a little bit, too. Tom tells her they're going to be okay.
Lynette's alone in her room later when Gaby comes in with flowers. They hold hands without words and both women cry. Then Gaby says she doesn't know how to thank Lynette for saving Celia's life, or how sorry she is... She's too choked up to finish, so Lynette does. She says they were going to name him Patrick, and he would have been amazing.
Mary Alice picks up and says the funeral for Karl Meyer was a dignified affair. We see Julie, MJ and Susan in the front row (but no Mike, weirdly), as Mary Alice says it was attended by friends and family. The camera pans to Bree as MAVO adds "and those who loved him." She goes on to say the preacher spoke about the nature of tragedy, which causes people to ask "what if": "What if he hadn't died?" "What if I had chosen differently?" "What if I had made that mistake?" And then the preacher says the best way to honor those who have died is to focus on what was, and to keep on living the best way we know how. Back with Lynette, MAVO says, "And, in time, that is exactly what my friends would do." Is she talking about her own death now, or the baby's, or Karl's? Does it matter?
week: Susan goes to a strip club and then tells Mike that Destiny says hello. Announcer guy says the Desperate Housewives bare it all. Susan's mouth is agape. Bree tells someone she had an affair. Then she leads Orson out of a house in a wheelchair, as he tells her to stop it right now. He tells Mike his wife's holding him hostage, and Mike says, "We've all been there, big guy." Juanita looks at her parents and the principal at her school and says, "I'm Mexican?!" And then Susan strips at the club, and tells a baffled Mike she's just giving people what they want. I'm sorry to disagree, but no one wants that.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why we think Wisteria Lane needs an NCIS.
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks she's special even if God didn't ever go to the trouble of saving her from a plane crash. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.