By Kim
Mike goes to a hypnotherapist to try to recover his memories, and recalls visiting Monique to service her pipes. And Mike means that literally, although Monique appears to think of it in a more figurative manner. Mike left to get a part, and when he returned, there was someone else in the house, but he can't quite remember who it was. But he is sure that he didn't kill Monique, and he confides in his buddy Carlos. Later, Mike returns to the hypnotherapist and remembers that Orson was at Monique's house on the night she died. Mike confronts Orson at the hospital, they scuffle, and Orson falls off the multistory hospital parking garage. Bree tells Orson what Alma did to him. Orson reveals (to Bree, not the audience) what really happened with Monique, and Bree is disgusted that Orson let Mike take the fall for Monique's murder. Andrew overhears the whole conversation. Alma is upset that Orson wasn't totally won over when she raped him (imagine that!) and thinks about going to the police herself to tell them what happened to Monique. Gloria isn't having it, so she locks Alma in the attic. Bree falls from a sabotaged ladder when trying to retrieve the bag of Monique's teeth, which was mysteriously hanging from a window. Andrew thinks Orson was behind Bree's accident. Susan goes to Jane's funeral, where she sees another woman hitting on Ian. Wacky hijinks ensue as Susan is outed as Ian's girlfriend. While comforting Susan, Ian proposes, and they agree to discuss it later, when they're not in a funeral home. Gabrielle celebrates her thirty-first birthday by meeting a lawyer who works for Zana. They date, but Zana uses his status to intimidate the guy into leaving Gabby alone. Edie begs Tom to hire Austin for the pizzeria, and Tom the Pushover agrees. Lynette busts Austin smoking pot in the back alley and fires him. Tom hires him back, which leads to an argument where Lynette agrees that she needs to check her balls at the door of the pizzeria. Yeah, that'll last.
Mike lies on a couch in a hypnotherapist's office, trying to recover his lost memories. MAVO informs us that Mike can now remember the first time he saw Wisteria Lane, the first time he met his new neighbors (Lynette and Tom, back when Lynette was staying home and Tom was working in the office) and the first time he heard Susan laugh. Susan lets out this high-pitched chortle that doesn't seem attractive in the least, but then again, I don't find Teri Hatcher pretty, so I'm probably biased. Anyway, MAVO informs us that Mike really just wants to remember one thing: what happened with Monique.
We flash back to Mike's memory of going to Monique's house. Monique answers the door in what I guess is lingerie, including some sort of boyshorts, but they kind of look like a diaper. Not sexy! Apparently, she called Mike over to work on her pipes. Mike thought she meant that literally, but apparently, based on the come-hither looks and single entendres Monique is tossing about, she meant that figuratively. Monique reveals that her landlord recommended Mike, and that she wrote his name on her hand so that she could call him to fix the leaky pipes. Well, there's one mystery solved. Mike tells her that he's flattered by her flirting, but that he's seeing someone. Monique breezily says that she is too, but that her lover is married, and she's drunk. Well, okay then. Mike checks under the sink and realizes that he needs a replacement part, which he wants to get to immediately before the leak causes more damage. He promises to return in an hour.
When Mike does return with the part, Monique doesn't seem to be around. Mike wanders into the kitchen, where he sees two rubber-gloved hands grasping the counter. Before the person the hands belong to can be revealed, Mike breaks out of his trance, and he's back in the therapist's office. Mike is frustrated that he couldn't see who was in Monique's kitchen, but then he breaks out in a goofy grin. The hypnotherapist asks why he's smiling, and Mike says that now he's sure he didn't kill Monique.
Bree and Orson lie in bed. Orson is still passed out, and Bree waits and wonders if she should wake him up to discuss the night's events or not. So rather than wake him up like a normal person, or assume that maybe, due to the drugs he was given, he's sleeping for a reason, Bree throws a glass of water in Orson's face. And it works! I have to think that Bree would be more upset about ruining good linens. Anyway, Orson tells Bree that he doesn't remember anything about drinking the Scotch. Bree reveals that Alma raped Orson, and fills him in on the Viagra of it all. Orson takes the news surprisingly well, considering. Bree wants to go to the police right away, but Orson refuses. Bree thinks it's because he's embarrassed about what happened, and argues, "Your ex-wife is a homicidal rapist, and your mother is straight out of I, Claudius. Why do you refuse to deal with them?" Orson -- whose whole upper chest is now soaked with water, leading me to believe that the splashing scene required multiple takes -- heaves a sigh and says that it's time for him to tell Bree about the night Monique died. But not the audience, as Orson closes the door to the bedroom and we move on to the scene.
Susan checks out various black dresses, trying to figure out which is most appropriate for Jane's funeral. Apparently, she doesn't own any black dresses that aren't slutty. Isn't that what credit cards are for? Go shopping, Susan! Although I'm still not sure exactly how successful Susan is supposed to be, since we never see her drawing anything anymore, and yet she still seems to be able to afford...well, whatever she wants. Julie advises Susan to avoid looking sexy, and wonders why Susan is even attending the funeral. Good question. Although the answer is probably "So that she can create wacky misunderstandings and hijinks, and also probably fall into the coffin or open grave." Susan insists that Ian wants her there. Does no one have family anymore? Where are Jane's parents? Or siblings? Or Ian's parents? Or siblings? Susan just wants to get through this (despite the fact that she just claimed it's not about her, like when is anything in Susan's life not about her?) so that she and Ian can be a real couple. She finds a cute grey flannel-looking sleeveless dress, and Julie decides that it says "modest, reserved, and definitely not dating the dead lady's husband." How about something with a sleeve? Or a wrap or some sort? I'm just saying. Nobody needs to see Susan's praying mantis arms while they are mourning.
Zana and Gabby wander through a department store. Zana wants to buy Gabby a birthday present, and Gabby refuses to accept jewelry. Zana is still working the ridic hair and too-small black leather biker jacket. Dude, Uncle Jesse from Full House called, and he wants his wardrobe back. Gabby is depressed about turning thirty-one and being single. Why is Zana walking like he has a load in his drawers? He keeps offering to buy Gabby extravagant gifts, and she keeps thinking of piddly little items, like a toilet seat cover, which Zana wanders off to find. Gabby flops onto a display bed, and a cute guy walks over, checking out the merchandise. Gabby perks up and says hi, but the guy doesn't pick up on her incredibly strong signals. Gabby ascertains that the dude isn't married, and invites him into the bed. He decides to wait until she gets off, and Gabby purrs, "Well, that'll happen a lot faster if you just...hop on board." When did she turn into Samantha Jones? Gabby has to explain the joke, and complains that the dude killed the moment. He gives her his card and offers to make it up to her. Zana runs up, and the dude introduces himself as Luke Purdue, one of Zana's lawyers. Zana doesn't even know the guy. As Luke leaves, Gabby checks him out unabashedly.
Orson has finished telling Bree the truth about Monique, and she is disgusted. He asks what he can do, and she suggests that he exonerate Mike. Bree can't believe that Orson let Mike go to prison. Because every decision that Bree has made in her life has been 100% ethical. Hell, I think she's partially responsible for at least two deaths in three seasons, and those are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. Bree reminds Orson that "some lunatic ran [Mike] over," so Orson clearly didn't come completely clean. Orson is worried about implicating himself and going to jail. As they continue to talk, Andrew comes out into the hall and overhears Bree telling Orson that he needs to fix this, or she will. As Orson exits the bedroom, Andrew ducks down the hall to avoid getting busted.
Tom buys one of the twin Ps a Nutty Buddy from the ice cream truck. Lynette walks up and snatches it away, complaining that this treat is against house rules about snacks before dinner. Way to give your kids mixed messages, Tom and Lynette. Lynette busts on Tom for being a pussy, as usual. Edie struts up and asks Tom to hire Austin at the pizza place. Tom isn't very excited about hiring someone with a criminal record. Edie complains that Austin has been depressed since Julie dumped him, and Tom the Sucker falls for it and agrees to throw some hours his way. Tom tries to give Edie a coupon as she leaves, and Edie says, "Oh, Tom, please. You've checked out my butt enough times to know that I don't eat pizza." Tom checks out Edie's butt as she walks away.
Zana shows up at Gabby's house on her birthday with a giant bouquet of flowers, even though she said she wanted to be alone. He's all cheerful until she reveals that she's getting ready to go on a date with Luke. In the middle of the day, apparently. Zana realizes that he needs to skedaddle, and Gabby makes a reference to checking out Luke "in the mattress department." Zana just stares at her, so Gabby slams the door in his face. Why does he like her again? Oh, that's right. Boobs.
Orson pays a visit to Alma and Gloria to "thank" them for the activities of the night. Alma happily tells him that it's too soon for her to take a pregnancy test. I have to think she might have trouble getting pregnant because she's (a) old and (b) got no body fat. Seriously, Alma freaks me out. I mean, even before I knew how bughouse crazy she is. Orson explains that their "little stunt" forced him to reveal all to Bree about what happened to Monique. He explains that the fear of discovery has always been hanging over his marriage with Bree, but now he's come clean, and he feels free. Alma looks worried and cries out that she could be carrying Orson's child. Orson doesn't care, proclaiming, "I'm sticking with Bree." Orson stomps out, and Gloria wonders why he has to make things difficult. And then she continues knitting baby booties. So...Orson went over there just to tell the people who have already proven they are not shy about committing crimes against his person that he's about to rat them out. That seems unwise.
Andrew mops the floor at the pizzeria, and Lynette tells him that it's not exactly "Bree Hodge clean." Andrew agrees that it's not, but that Lynette's disappointment reminds him very much of his mother. Lynette orders him to help her take out the trash. Out in the alley, Lynette finds Austin smoking a doob with the delivery guy. Andrew leans against the wall, hilariously amused. Austin confesses that he was only getting high because he's so upset that Julie dumped him. That might work on Edie, but it doesn't work on Lynette, and she fires Austin. Andrew snarks, "The floor's looking pretty clean right now, isn't it?" Lynette feints like she's going to hit him or something, and Andrew rushes back inside. I kind of want Lynette and Andrew to have a spinoff. But no stupid Tom or stupid kids.
Alma has a freakout about her plan with Gloria going down the shitter. Gloria tries to give her a pep talk, and even recommends that Alma have a drink to relax. Alma thinks for a minute and decides that she's done protecting Orson: she's going to call the police. She adds, "I'd rather see him in jail than play house with Tammy Tightass." I had a doll named that as a child. Gloria promises once again to handle Orson, but Alma's done listening to her. Gloria claims that she saw something interesting at Orson and Bree's last night, but that they need to go into the attic to see it. Dumb Alma buys it, and heads upstairs, where Gloria locks her in the attic/baby incubator. This storyline is dumb, but Dixie Carter is awesome. Also, how many "locked in a room" storylines can one show sustain?
Jane's memorial service. Susan walks in wearing huge sunglasses (indoors) and a black newsboy cap. See, it's not even funny. It's just dumb slapstick. And I'm not opposed to funny slapstick; when Dwight fell off the desk on The Office this week, I laughed for a good ten minutes. Step it up, writers. Susan finds Ian, and he goes to kiss her on the cheek, but she claims to want to keep a low profile. Hence the giant hat. Susan walks into the room and takes a seat. While fixing her makeup (right in the chapel or whatever? Tacky!), she notices a woman warmly greeting Ian. Apparently, Susan's compact mirror also has a hidden microphone, because she can hear what they are saying clear as day. The woman, Lynn, claims that Jane always jokingly told Lynn to marry Ian if she died. Susan gasps in shock and horror, because of course now Ian will dump Susan. It's what Jane jokingly wanted! Lynn invites Ian over for a home-cooked meal some night, and Ian refuses, which makes Susan smile. Lynn gives Ian a business card and says that she won't take no for an answer. Susan's all pissed about it, because men are just helpless worms who can't help fucking women accidentally when it's offered, and women are conniving bitches who plot to take other women's men, even when they don't know that someone else is in the picture yet. What I'm trying to say is that it's Ian's responsibility to stay away from other women, and if Susan doesn't trust him to do so, maybe it's not the right relationship. But then where would the slapstick come in? And the wacky hijinks? Speaking of wackiness, Susan practically trips Lynn as she walks in and sits down. Yeah. That bitch. Coming on to Susan's man, even though she has no idea Ian is involved with anyone. She should just know!
Mike and Carlos stand on a porch, drinking beers. Mike talks about what he discovered through hypnotherapy, while behind them, Orson is on a ladder, cleaning out his gutters. It's not clear whether he can hear Mike and Carlos talking; he must not have Susan's super spy mirror. Also, who goes to confront his ex-wife and mother over rape charges, and then goes home and cleans out the gutters? And doesn't anyone work around here? Carlos thinks Mike just needs to remember who the guy wearing the gloves was, and then call the cops. Mike seems to want to handle the matter himself.
Jane's memorial service. Susan totally eavesdrops on Lynn talking to a friend. Lynn can't shut up about how hot Ian is, and the plans she has for him later. Susan totally interrupts to tell Lynn and friend that their conversation seems inappropriate. Lynn tells Susan that it's none of her beeswax. Susan and her ridiculous hat retort that Ian is seeing someone anyway, so nyah nyah. Lynn says that she would have heard about something like that, so Susan blurts that she's the "bimbo in the picture," as Lynn put it. Susan realizes that she probably said too much, and changes seats.
Tom has a staff meeting at the pizzeria to handle new hire paperwork. Lynette walks in and sees Austin standing there, so she says, "What are you doing here? I fired you." That seems like a huge violation of multiple HR policies. Then again, if no one had filled out the paperwork yet, why were they all working already? Austin says that Tom hired him back, and Tom defends his decision. Lynette doesn't feel she's undermined Tom enough this week yet, so she starts telling Austin that he might be able to hustle Tom, but that she's not an idiot like her husband is. Or something along those lines. Tom insists on talking to Lynette privately, probably to avoid a lawsuit. All of the other employees are staring down at their paperwork, mortified.
In the kitchen, Lynette is skeptical that Tom had a good reason for hiring back "Joe Bonghit." Tom explains that the waitresses pointed out that Austin is hot, so teenagers will come just to see him in action, and will also buy food. In addition, Tom worked out a deal with Edie to give menus to her clients, and that Edie won't agree unless Austin works there. Lynette realizes that Tom has a brain after all, and Tom points out that Lynette may be the manager, but that he's the boss. Like Tony Danza! Lynette kind of glosses over that, but Tom explains that at home he "checks [his] balls at the door," which works for them, but at work, he needs to be the big man. I disagree with their relationship on so many levels. So then Tom and Lynette stage a fight in front of the staff where Tom tells her off and she meekly agrees. So disturbing. And also, such a retread of, oh, every Tom and Lynette storyline for the past three years.
Gabby and Luke eat dinner in her home. You know Gabby had that shit catered, because she definitely did not cook. Gabby tries once again to make sexual references that fly right over Luke's head. There's a knock at the door, and it's a guy with some important paperwork for Luke. Gabby leaves to open more wine while Luke checks out the documents, which turn out to be a note from Zana that reads, "Gabrielle is mine sleep with her and you're FIRED! Leave, but don't make it obvious." He managed to get the comma right after "leave," but had a run-on in the beginning? Lame. Zana should spend some of that money of his on an English class. Luke tells the delivery guy that he understands.
Jane's memorial service, still, some more. The officiant invites friends and family to share memories of Jane, and Lynn runs right up there. Lynn totally blow Susan's spot regarding dating Ian, and Susan tries to sneak out, but being Susan, it's all slapsticky, and everyone notices.
Back at Gabby's, Luke shovels the food into his mouth so that he can make a quick exit. Gabby thinks he's just in a rush to get her into bed. Luke gets up to leave, claiming that he's got work to do. Gabby tries to entice him into staying, but Luke knows who butters his bread, and beats feet. Gabby starts making out with Luke, so Zana calls from his stalker position outside and tells Luke to get out. Luke tears himself away, and Gabby yells at him. Luke says what Zana told him to say: "I really only date women in their twenties. I'm sorry. You're too old for me." Gabby tosses him out, giving him a boot in the ass for good measure. Good for her.
Bree (or Bree's body double, since Marcia Cross was a jillion months pregnant with twins when filming these scenes) takes out the trash. She spots the ladder Orson left leaning against the house. When she looks up, she sees the bag of teeth hanging from a second-story window. So instead of just going inside the house and retrieving them, she decides to climb the ladder. Unfortunately, one of the rungs has been sawn in half, which you think Bree would have noticed when she climbed past it. She puts her foot on it, and it breaks, so Bree falls to the ground below. Andrew and Orson run outside, and Orson calls an ambulance. Andrew finds the bag of teeth and grabs it. But those aren't teeth in there! They're marbles! Andrew asks Orson what that's all about, and Orson looks genuinely surprised.
At the hospital, a nurse tells Andrew and Orson that Bree only suffered a slight concussion. Where is Danielle during all this? Andrew reveals that he overheard Bree and Orson talking, and that he thinks Orson might have engineered Bree's fall in order to "fix" his problem. Orson tries to explain, but Andrew says that there's a reason Bree threw him out last year, and that Orson has "never met Bad Andrew." If Orson hurts Bree, that will happen. Andrew walks up to the nurses and tells them not to let Orson in Bree's room alone. And the nurses are just like, "Sure thing, teenaged stepson. We won't let her husband in there."
Gabby finishes off (another?) bottle of wine alone. She busts Zana pretending to leave a gift at her doorstep, and he acts surprised that she's home. Gabby opens the present, which is a mug that reads "World's Greatest Friend." Gabby, drunk, is touched. Zana comes in and cuddles with Gabby while she relates that Luke dumped her because she's old. She wonders what she'll do when she's not pretty anymore, and Zana assures her that will never happen. Gabby decides to pass out in Zana's armpit. Does dude ever take off his cheesy leather jackets? Zana creepily pets Gabby's hair. It puts the lotion in the basket.
Ian finds Susan sitting on the floor in the embalming room at the funeral home. Good thing today was all about Jane, and Susan isn't a huge drama queen or anything. Susan thinks she ruined Jane's funeral, and admits that she thought if she and Ian got through today, things would get better. Ian decides that he's sick of hiding things, and that they should face the crowds together. He turns suddenly, as they are surrounded by corpses, and tells Susan that she helped him through the most difficult part of his life and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Susan asks if he's proposing, and Ian looks surprised that he kind of is. Susan asks if maybe she could get a redo when they are in a nicer setting, and Ian agrees.
Mike's back at the hypnotherapist, who encourages him to remember the night he met Monique. Mike flashes back to the scene we saw earlier, when he returned with the part for the sink and saw the rubber-gloved hands. Except this time, the person wearing the gloves rises up above the counter and...it's Orson. Sur...prise? (Is anyone really surprised?) Orson claims that Monique is upstairs taking a nap, and that he's her boyfriend, and is busy cleaning the kitchen. Can I get a boyfriend like that? Mike says that he's just going to finish the sink, but Orson doesn't seem to want Mike sticking around. Orson gives Mike some cash, and Mike relents. As Mike leaves, Orson hands him a wrench. You know...THE WRENCH!
Mike gets up and leaves the hypnotherapist's office. He heads right over to Bree and Orson's house, where Danielle (she's alive!) tells him that Bree's in the hospital. Mike takes off.
Meanwhile, at the hospital, a nurse or someone tells Orson that Bree is sleeping, so he might as well go home and get some rest. Orson heads out to the parking garage. Mike pops up and gives a big speech about how he's been recovering his memories. Orson acts like he's pleased, until Mike says that he's remembering a lot of things. Orson's face falls, and he takes off running. Mike chases him. Orson actually runs across the hoods of cars, but Mike catches him. They trade punches. Mike tries to tackle Orson, but Orson pushes him off. Unfortunately, the momentum of the push causes Orson to fall backwards over the ledge of the parking garage, five or so stories to the ground below. And it's to be continued!