By Jessica
MAVO opens the show by explaining that Mrs. Kravitz had waited her entire life for "something exciting" to happen to her: "As a child, she hoped to be kidnapped by a band of pirates.” Well, who doesn't? Pirates rock. "As a teenager, she dreamt of being discovered by a Hollywood talent scout. As a young woman, she fantasized that a handsome millionaire would sweep her off her feet. But the years had gone by, and still nothing exciting had happened to Martha Huber. Until the night she was murdered." Yeah, I guess that was pretty exciting. If only briefly. We cut to Paul helping Mrs. Kravitz with her groceries and then strangling her on her kitchen floor. I don't remember the strangling, especially the part where she seems to be conscious. Didn't he at the very least knock her out when he conked her with the blender? So. That doesn't really work for me. But anyway, MAVO continues, saying that, as she got the shit choked out of her, it occurred to Mrs. Kravitz that "in addition to being boring, life could also being very cruel."
"But luckily, death was far more merciful," MAVO intones, as the cops finally find Mrs. Kravitz's dead body. The sheriff compares her face to the flyer, and looks up in time to see the media arrive. He tells his deputy to make sure that no one contaminates the crime scene and takes off. The deputy kneels down for a little chit chat with the dead broad. "Lot of people looking for you, you know that?" he says. "Your face is going to be on the front page of every paper in the state. How's that for excitement?" As the officer blanches, MAVO explains that it seemed, for a brief moment, that Mrs. Kravitz's corpse smiled up at him.
So, the police roll up to Casa Kravitz and tells Felicia -- who's out watering the lawn --that they've found her sister's body. She drops the hose.
Meanwhile, Susan heads over to Mike's house, and squeals at him that she's finished her book -- the one she's illustrating, I presume, not the one she's been reading -- and she thought he could take her to lunch to celebrate. Her voice trails off when she sees Edie in Mike's kitchen. Mike explains that he and Edie are going over the plans for her new house, and Edie exposits that she's finally getting her insurance check. And there's only one plumber she wants. "You shouldn't expect to see him for a few months," she sings to Susan. "I'm gonna be riding him hard." "Well, if anybody can go the distance, he can. I should know," Susan retorts. The combined age of the women in this room is about fifteen. Susan then sticks her tongue down Mike's throat. "Mike? Mike? We're on the clock," Edie says. I hate Susan sometimes. Act like a grown-up, babe. Edie's phone rings: it's Felicia. Her news is not good. Edie looks devastated. "They found Martha," she tells Susan and Mike.
Across town, Lynette makes Pinwheel blow his runny nose, and then swings into her yoga studio. I am sure the rest of the moms will be thrilled that she brought her sick kid in to infect their perfectly healthy offspring. If he's too sick to be in school, he's too sick for you to drag him to yoga, lady. Gawd. Anyway, Lynette notices that the sign-up sheet for the studio's day care center is full, so she just sticks her name at the bottom anyway. She is so selfish and self-centered. She stopped her car in the middle of the road the other day, now she's forcing her sick kid into day care. All so she can get what she wants. Lynette is the most self-centered character I have ever come across and I RECAPPED DAWSON'S CREEK. Anyway. Lauren, the receptionist, tells Lynette that day care is full. The class is in full swing behind Lynette, so she's clearly late. ["My biggest peeve! Yoga has a very specific warm-up period, not to mention that you get there early so that you can roll out your mat with enough room around you, and then people come in late, both breaking your concentration and crowding you (like the woman who showed up late one time and unrolled her mat behind me, hitting me in the head while I was trying to deep-breathe. If you're late to yoga, you're missing the class. End of story." -- Wing Chun] Lynette brats that the class is always full: "The other moms come early." "All I can tell you is plan ahead time," Lauren tells her. And I guess we're supposed to find her just terrible for saying that, but it's true. You want to get into a busy class? Get to the goddamn gym early and stop acting like you feel so entitled to everything, Lynette.
But Lynette starts her usual Pity Party litany about how she's a mother of four and she got up at 5 to make breakfast and lunches and her life is so hard and I would feel worse for her if she didn't just FIRE HER NANNY. Besides, I thought she just called the agency and asked for an ugly dude to come watch her kids. What happened to that? Oh, right. We're supposed to forget anything that happened in any episode other than the one we're watching. Lynette: "Telling me to plan ahead is like telling me to sprout wings, and it's things like being told to plan ahead that make me so crazy that yoga is the only thing that relaxes me, except I show up late and I can't get in and you tell me to plan ahead. It's a vicious cycle." Wah wah wah. You're not the only lady who every pushed out a baby, Lynette. Lauren points out that if she breaks the rules for Lynette, she's going to have to do it for everyone: "And the moms who actually follow the rules would get all pissed with me and I'd have to get pissy right back, and before you know it, I don't have time to read my magazine. See how that works?" "I hope someday, you have lots of children," Lynette says. You know what, Lynette? If she does, I bet SHE'D BE ON TIME TO MAKE SURE THEY GOT INTO DAY CARE. Because she's had to enforce the rules, she's more likely to follow them in the future. Anyway, Lynette gets a phone call. It's Susan. "What?" Lynette gasps.
Cut to George, dropping KimberBree off in front of her house. He tells her he had "a wonderful time." She looks up at her closed bedroom curtains and says that she did too. She hops out of the car and shuts the door very, very loudly. She apologizes for not being about to let him in. "I get it," says George. "Rex still lives in the house. It would be awkward." KimberBree smiles and says that she would rather "cut off [her] own hand" than hurt Rex's feelings. She slams George's trunk closed, loudly. No movement from upstairs. She says it'll be easier for them when Rex moves out. Are they on for lunch the day? George asks. Upstairs, Rex's hand draws back the curtain, and KimberBree leaps into George's arms. "I'd love to," she says, eyeing the window. The curtain swings back down. And that's all we get of the divine Steven Culp this week, more's the pity. "Pick me up at 1, and we'll do something fun," KimberBree tells George. He hands her some packages, and leaves. Her phone rings. "Oh, hi Lynette. WHAT?"
Casa House Arrest. Gabrielle runs outside to greet her jailbird lover with a bottle of champers and absolutely no body fat whatsoever. Eva Longoria doesn't look unhealthy, but she is incredibly wee. The cops set up Carlos's little house arrest alarm system and he tells them to "take it easy" when they leave. She pours them the booze and apologizes that it's "the cheap stuff." She says she had to economize while Carlos was gone, but now that he's back, they can restock the wine cellar. Carlos thinks this is a great idea, except for how he can't work, since he's all on house arrest and stuff. Gabrielle is horrified by this. He further explains that if he moves too far away from the house, his alarm notifies the FBI and he gets hauled to the big house. "What do they expect us to do for money?" Gabrielle wonders. Carlos assures her that their lawyer is still working on unfreezing some of their accounts. Besides, hasn't she been working? "Carlos, this is not like New York, where I made thousands of dollars a day modeling haute couture," Gabrielle says. She utterly mangles the pronunciation of "haute couture," to the extent that it barely even sounds like words. I don't know if I can recreate it in the written word, but it's like, "UGGGGGGHT CUUUUUUTUUUUGH." She sounds like she has a badger trapped in her throat. Anyway, she reminds him that she's doing BOAT SHOWS. Carlos nicely tells her that he would buy two boats from her. "Where's my toast?" he asks. "Welcome home," Gabrielle sulks. Her phone rings. "Hi, [Kimber]Bree. WHAT?"
Over at Casa Dead Meat, Sheriff No Name tells Felicia to let him know if she finds anything in Mrs. Kravitz's belongings that might help with the investigation. Like, say, a diary! She promises that she will, and shows them outside. All her neighbors -- including the 4H -- are milling around her yard. "Look at them all," she says. "Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details." No Name thinks her neighbors are just being supportive. Felicia snorts: "Oh, please. Human beings feed on misery. Well, we might as well give the people what they want." She steps out on the porch: "Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister Martha would have been so touched." A tear-stained Edie wanders into the yard. Felicia goes on: "I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police, who are still putting together many of the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death." The neighbors exchange worried looks. "Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs. Which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain." She gives the assembled time to take this information in. Information that I -- for what it's worth -- think she just made up on the spot. She smiles sadly. "But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested." Heh. "Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes. To your loved ones." She turns to go back inside, then stops them all. "Oh! In lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks." With that, and a sunny smile, she sweeps off. I doodle "Jessica + Felicia 4EVA" on my laptop.
According to MAVO, everyone knew that Mrs. Kravitz was dead by the morning. Shouldn't you be more concerned with your poor kid, MAVO? Seeing as he is totally deranged and all? I guess not. Anyway, over at Lynette's, she uses gum to bribe Parboiled, Parchment, and Parsimonious to keep quiet while she's downstairs playing cards with the girls.
Downstairs, KimberBree deals. "What the odds, first Mary Alice and now Mrs. Kravitz?" she wonders. Gabrielle points out that she's talking apples and oranges, since Mrs. Kravitz was murdered. Lynette says that she talked to Mrs. Kravitz right before she was murdered. "What did you talk about?" Susan asks. "Oh, she yelled at me for not bringing my garbage cans in," Lynette admits, "I'm going to miss her," KimberBree says smoothly. That was an amusing exchange. Edie rings the bell. Lynette lets her in, and all the other women look at anything other than their bereaved neighbor. "Oh, you're all here," Edie says sadly. Lynette explains that Tuesday is poker day. "Really? You know, I love poker," Edie offers. Everyone is silent. Bitches. ["And if they're playing poker, why do they each have different-coloured chips? It's not roulette." -- Wing Chun] "Okay, then," Edie says, and then tells them that since "the Ice Queen" isn't having a memorial service for Mrs. Kravitz, Edie is going to take Mrs. Kravitz's ashes up to Torch Lake and scatter them. She thought maybe the neighbors would like to caravan, and have a little ceremony. She hands out flyers, and tells the 4H that she's printed out maps if anyone needs them. "The dress is semi-formal," she says, and that's when the excuses begin to fly. Gabrielle has to work! Lynette doesn't have a sitter! KimberBree has to take Rex to his angiogram! (Naturally, KimberBree's excuse is the best one.) Finally, everyone looks over at Susan. "Well, Mayer? What's your excuse?" Edie asks. Susan stammers that she's...busy. With...you know....stuff. Edie cocks a brow. "Your friends are much better liars," Edie says, and storms out.
Those ladies are kinda bitches. Attending memorial services for neighbors and co-workers -- even if you didn't like them much -- is part of our social fabric. KimberBree, at least, I would think would want to do the socially correct thing, and pay her respects to a woman she knew, who was MURDERED. No one enjoys attending funerals -- except maybe vampires, but that's neither here nor there on this show, which is a shame -- but sometimes adults have to do things we don't want to do. These woman are very disappointing individuals. Lynette and Gabrielle are extremely selfish characters, so I'm not surprised that they're wiggling out of the memorial service, but KimberBree is at least driven by the social niceties; and Susan, although dim, is a fundamentally good hearted and kind woman. They are better than this. Moreover, I don't know if it's intentional -- I suspect that it is -- but the way the 4H treat Edie is juvenile and cruel. I know they don't like her, but they could and should treat her civilly, and they seem to NEVER have done so. While this does serve to make me feel very sympathetically toward Edie, it has what I suspect is the unintended effect of making me dislike our protagonists.
Lynette comes upstairs to check on the kids. Okay, so we later learn that the poker party is Tuesday, and at lunchtime. So why are the twins home? Shouldn't they be at Posh Academy, driving their teachers to certain alcoholism? Instead, they've attacked Polio. He has gum all up in his hair.
Cut to the bathroom, where Lynette is handling this by just ripping the gum out with a comb. Here's the thing: Pliers is her THIRD CHILD. How has she not run into the Gum In The Hair Issue yet? Everyone knows that peanut butter takes out gum. So does ice. Lynette tells him that she knows it hurts, but that's what he gets. Pesky asks if she's mad. She says she's mad and cranky. She needs her downtime, she tells him. Lynette? Shut up. Tell it to your therapist or your friends or Gay Matt, or post it on the boards at MotherhoodWithoutPity.com. Your kid doesn't need to hear about how he's emotionally wearing you down. "And it's frustrating for me, too, because I do want to be the best mommy I can be," she finishes. Well, look, lady, you ordered a new nanny last week. Why don't you call the agency and see where that poor fugly individual is? Pandemonium tells her he thinks she's the best mommy in the world. Most mothers would react to this by saying, "Aw, sweetie, thank you. I love you, too," and then they would hug their kid. Lynette just sighs, "Well, that's sweet of you, but it's not exactly true." Then she gets the clippers. Pestle looks alarmed.
KimberBree and George picnic at the park. KimberBree thinks picnicking is "such a lovely, old-fashioned way to spend an afternoon." George responds that he's an "old-fashioned kind of guy." In my experience, that only means they won't go down on you. Oh my God, did I really just type that? Mom, it's just an expression. George reaches over and touches KimberBree's hand -- she's still wearing her huge wedding ring -- and she withdraws it quickly, allegedly to check her watch. It's time to get him back to work! she says. First, he wants to give her a gift. KimberBree is thrilled -- and even more thrilled when she opens the box to find "a nine-millimeter Luger P08!" She is takes it out and cocks it. Apparently, near Wisteria Lane, it is totally okay to wave a gun around a crowded park. Just so you know. "From the moment you said you were in the NRA, I wanted to give it to you," George tells her ardently. KimberBree tells him that she can't accept it! It's too valuable! He explains that his grandfather left it to him. "It was surrendered to him by a solider during World War II. And since I don't know how to shoot..." KimberBree is so pleased. She waxes poetic over the mother-of-pearl handle. "George, this is just so much better than an orchid," she says, and places her hand on his.
Susan walks over to Felicia, who is taking out the garbage, and who informs Susan primly that she doesn't need any help at all. Susan offers that it must be hard for Felicia not to know who killed her sister, or why. "I'm hoping her journals will provide some insight," Felicia says. "Journals?" Susan squeaks. I bet you twenty bucks Felicia already knows that Susan burned down Edie's house. "Martha kept them for years," Felicia drawls. "So she must have written lots of things in them...?" Susan says. "Every. Mundane. Detail. Of her life. And everyone else's, for that matter. The police want to see then, but I'm stalling them until I have a chance to read through them first myself. Wouldn't want any embarrassing family secrets getting out." Felicia turns away from Susan and goes into the house. She's like a cat with a mouse. I love it.
Susan turns to head home and, in a lovely cut, turns back to the camera in her own kitchen with Julie. "I am so screwed," she whines. Julie tells her to chill out. "Everything about the fire and the measuring cup is going to be in that journal. Everyone is gonna think I'm an arsonist," Susan wails. Julie assures Susan that it'll be okay. But she is going to have to come clean with Edie. If Edie doesn't press charges, the police will "let it go." I don't think they let it go when you burn someone's house down, if only because Edie's not pressing charges makes it look like they were in it together to defraud the insurance company, but I'll let this pass. "Are you high?" Susan asks. "Edie hates me." Julie tells her that's why exactly why she's going to have to "suck up to Edie Britt."
Mike gets home to find his door open and the place trashed. His stash of money and weapons are gone. But he's got a message on the answering machine: "Hey, Mike. As you've probably seen by now, I took back my money, and what little information you managed to dig up on your neighbors. Your replacement's gonna need it. Pack up and move on with your life. Sorry for the mess."
Yoga. Petit Four's shaved head makes the receptionist think he has cancer, so she slides them right into day care even though it's full. Lynette totally allows this. That's all the effort I plan to devote to this plotline. Lynette's behavior is bad karma at best and indefensible behavior at worst -- not to mention really fucking liable to totally fuck up her kid's psyche -- and I'm not going to justify it with more then the barest minimum of attention. Oh, except to say one more thing: Lynette's plot lines don't go anywhere. They all teach us the same thing about her character: she's a harried mother of four. She's selfish. She is self-involved. She's tired. The end. Everything she does stems from those simple and unchanging facts. She gets no character development. She doesn't change. There is no jeopardy in her character's life. Susan could be found out for being an arsonist; she could lose Mike; her child is cavorting with the son of a murderer. There are stakes in her plotline. KimberBree is fighting to save her marriage; her kids are a mess; her son is guilty of a hit and run that she conspired to cover up. That's jeopardy for her character. Gabrielle's got a Push Me-Pull You marriage; she was having an affair with an underage neighbor. She's got drama, too. Lynette? Her kids are brats and she's tired. The end. I guess you could argue that she's dissatisfied with her life, but welcome to the club. She has no dramatic jeopardy built into her character, and therefore, she's boring. She doesn't add anything to the show. And she's also a total asshole. If I wasn't otherwise contractually obligated, I would fast-forward through her scenes.
I'm glad I got that off my chest. Susan goes over to the construction site that used to be Edie's house kiss Edie's ass. "I got to say, I envy you," she tells Edie. "In the name of God, why?" Edie asks, and Susan explains that Edie's so lucky to be able to build her dream house for free: "In a weird way, your house burning down was a good thing!" Edie tells her there's nothing good about it. She lost her photos. Her memories. Everything. "Is there something you want?" she asks. Susan stammers, and finally says she wanted to see how Edie was holding up with the whole Mrs. Kravitz being dead thing. "My best friend was murdered and stuffed into a garbage bag and nobody cares enough to go with me to spread her ashes," Edie tells her, like, how does Susan think she feels. So Susan guiltily offers to go.
Casa Convicted. Gabrielle comes in, wearing a kind of totally fabulous gold satin gown and carrying a bucket of chicken. God, that was totally me last night. Carlos tells her that he's starving, so she just hands him the bucket and tells him she's too tired to eat. Any food that comes in a bucket is automatically funny. Carlos rubs her shoulders and wonders if she got a chance to go see his mother, who is still wasting away in Comaville. Gabrielle didn't get a moment, but she's going to go tomorrow. Carlos says that he's sure Mama Solis will snap out of it at any moment: "And you know what would make her really happy?" Gabrielle snaps that if he says "a grandchild," she is going to lose it. He promised, no babies! Carlos tells her that "things change." Gabrielle snaps that she's well aware of that, as she's suddenly found herself married to a felon and working trade shows. "A baby is solid. A constant," Carlos tells her. Carlos, have you ever even MET a baby? They are NEITHER. They get bigger, for one thing, and louder. They love you one day, and can't stand you the . They're demanding. They are changeable. I am all about the babies, but I would describe them as neither solid nor constant. Gabrielle retorts that she's the one who's going to have to take care of their little constant while he's in the big house. She likes her life, and doesn't want to "kill it." I believe "it" is "her life" and not "the baby." Carlos tells her that their old way of life is already dead: "You can't control that." She agrees, but tells him that there's one thing she can control, and that is having a baby. "You, I can control," she adds. Carlos, of course, gets all Man of the House on her, and so she just takes the bucket of chicken away from him and storms out, through the yard and across the street. Carlos follows her as far as he can with the electronic leash on, but eventually has to stand on the edge of his property and watch helplessly as she eats all his chicken. "You're the man of the house?" Gabrielle yells at him. "You can't even leave it!"
George and KimberBree go out to...a deserted farm house? An open field? I don't know. They're going for target practice. KimberBree sets up bottles for said practice, and George gets all excited because he's never fired a gun before. KimberBree tells him, "You always remember your first time. I hope I brought enough bullets!" George hesitates, and finally says that he can't tell her what these last few days have meant to him. What with all the getting out of the house and the trying new things. "We sure have had some fun!" KimberBree agrees perkily. George tells her that it's more than that: "I'm starting to forget what it feels like to be lonely." Stalker alert! Stalker alert! This is going to end in tears. Probably George's. "Oh, that's sweet. Come on, let's go shoot something!" KimberBree tells him. So, she gives him some basic safety instructions, and explains how to shoot the gun. She demonstrates on him, putting her arms around him to adjust his hands. "What's that perfume you're wearing?" he asks. She tells him that she isn't wearing any at all. George wonders if she's sure: "Because you smell amazing." KimberBree thinks. "Oh! I was making macaroons before I left the house," she tells him. And they head back to the instructions. There's all this blah blah about holding the gun like "a little white dove," firmly enough that it doesn't fly away but not so firmly that you kill it and have all that bad karma following you around. But George is so not thinking about the gun. Unless you mean the gun in his pants. I'm sorry. That was terrible. Anyway, KimberBree says, "All you have to do is take a deep breath, and squeeze the trigger." As she says this -- and he does it -- he also turns to kiss her. She squeals -- because of how he's trying to kiss her and shoot a gun at the same time -- and he falls to the ground screaming and holding his foot. We should set him up with Susan.
To the hospital. KimberBree spends a lot of time there. Are we sure she's not secretly meeting Dr. Michael Mancini in the On Call room? Speaking of, I realized today that Melrose Place alum are really making good lately. Heather Locklear had a rough go of it with LAX, but has never stopped working, so she's okay. Courtney Thorne-Smith is forced to pretend she's got the hots for Jim Belushi, but it pays the bills. Grant Show is, I believe, on Point Pleasant. And as for Marcia Cross and Doug Savant, of course, you're soaking in it. But whither Thomas Calabro? He was so, so brilliant on Melrose Place and it breaks my heart that he's not working. Can't he pop up on this show? As...I don't know. KimberBree's college boyfriend? Carlos's hot brother, who's come to town to spring his brother from the pokey? Lynette's nanny, who falls for Gay Matt? Work with me, people. Anyway, KimberBree tells George that because he only lost his middle toe, his balance shouldn't be affected. "This really won't change your life one little bit," she tells him. He is silent. "Please say something," she says. George finally says that he always dreamed that, before he died, he'd get to kiss a truly beautiful woman. "I finally get the chance and I end up blowing off a toe," he sighs. He then moves into the pity party portion of the evening, yapping that this kind of thing always happens to him: "I know I'll get over it. But the thing that I don't think I'll ever get over is that when I did kiss you, you pulled away from me," he mopes. KimberBree just looks stricken and fails to point out that HE WAS HOLDING A LOADED GUN THAT WAS ABOUT TO GO OFF AT THE TIME. Maybe she didn't want to lose a digit, dumb-ass. Anyway, she tells him that she was just caught off-guard. "We're dating. Why would it be so surprising that I would try to kiss you?" George asks. BECAUSE OF THE LOADED GUN? KimberBree just tells him that she and Rex aren't even legally separated. I miss Rex. Where is that smarmy minx this week? "He cheated on you. You said you were going to hate him forever," George reminds her. KimberBree looks conflicted. "You shouldn't listen to a woman who's just had her heart broken. We tend to lie," she says. George gulps. She leaves.
Yoga. Lynette is still pretending that her kid has cancer to get him into day care.
By the side of a mountainous road, Susan is changing Edie's tire. "I bet you were a cheerleader in high school, weren't you?" Edie asks. Susan was. That must have been one klutzy cheerleading squad. I wish we could see the flashback where Susan falls off the top of the pyramid, or knocks the rest of her squad into the tuba section of the band. "How'd you know?" Susan asks. Edie says that girls like Susan are always cheerleaders: "Clear skin, honor roll, popular. In high school I was the girl who hung out with the freaks on the loading dock and smoked. Everyone hated us." Susan thanks God that they eventually get to leave high school behind. But Edie doesn't think they do: "I'm still the outsider that doesn't get invited to the cool parties, and you're still the perky cheerleader who thinks that she can pull the wool over everyone's eyes." Susan makes serious guilty faces. "What?" she asks. Edie: "You came on this trip. Paid for the gas. And look at you, you're changing this flat when you know I have Auto Club. You want something from me." Not such a dumb blonde after all, is she? Susan explains that she just knows that Susan is having a hard time with Mrs. Kravitz's death. "That's a lie," Edie says. I am really starting to like her. Can we swap her out for Lynette? Susan wonders why Edie thinks she's lying. Edie: "Because we're still in high school. The old rules still apply. The cool kids only want to talk to the freaks when they need something. Now, you're not getting back in my car until you tell me what it is that you want." Susan hems and haws, and finally blurts that she hasn't always been very nice to Edie, and she wants to make amends. "Hmph." Edie says. "I still think you're full of crap. But we don't have time to debate this." They get back in the car, and Susan says she totally would have talked to Edie in high school. "You know, of all the lies you've told? That is the worst," Edie says.
Remember that Shadowy Older Man Mike hung out with at the park? I think his name is Frank, or something. Well, it is now. Mike shows up at Frank's house and finds him on the porch. He wants it all back: "My maps, pictures, my gun. And the money." "Oh, my money?" Frank asks. Mike tells Frank that he's never going to get someone who "cares as much about finding Deidre as [Mike] [does]." Frank rolls his eyes: "Why, because you loved her so much? You abandoned her, remember? You saved yourself. Found yourself a nice safe wife. And left my daughter to rot. So forgive me if I question your level of commitment." So Mike, naturally, slams Frank against a pole and grits that he needs to do this: "Why are you fighting me?" Frank rolls his eyes yet again: "Because you haven't been moving fast enough." A meta-statement about this plot if I ever heard one, so thank you, Frank. Also, because Frank has a tumor "pressing on his brain." Wouldn't that be...a brain tumor? At any rate, Mike looks stunned. "I'm gonna die," Frank says. "And I'd like to know what happened to my daughter before I do."
Yoga. A real cancer survivor wants to give Parsley a pep talk. And Lynette lets her. So now Paltry is worried that he's going to die. Lynette assures him he isn't, and finally admits he doesn't have cancer and that she is THE MOST HORRIBLE WOMAN EVER. I must, however, report that Lynette does look really guilty about this. She hates it when people discover that she is a really horrible, horrible, terrible, awful person.
KimberBree is gardening in her front yard, wearing the same jeans I own. George comes up on crutches. He's been thinking, he says. He doesn't care what they call it! "Dating"! "Hanging out"! He just wants to be with her: "I really need our friendship back." KimberBree kindly tells him that she doesn't think that would be very wise, since he would keep hoping that she would fall in love with him. "Oh, George," she tells him sadly, and George sniffles that he wishes she wouldn't say it like that -- like he's "so pathetic." KimberBree insists that she doesn't think he's pathetic: "It's just that...I can't." He sniffles. "Oh, jeez," he cries, and starts crutching away, and she goes after him, and grabs his arm, and he yelps and shakes her off and then falls down her steps. So much for his balance not being affected. Poor George. He's totally the new Susan. Finally, George screams that he doesn't need KimberBree and he doesn't need anybody and blah blah blah. KimberBree just looks horrified.
Casa Slave Labor. Gabrielle tells Carlos that it's the last night of the boat show, so they've got some QT coming their way. Carlos is just mopey. "I'm going to jail and you're not going to be here when I get back," he says. She says, very unconvincingly, that she will be. "It's true and I won't blame you," Carlos tells her. Again, Gabrielle assures him that everything is going to be fine: "We're going to sort this mess out and we're going to be on top again." Carlos reminds Gabrielle that he could go to jail for five years. They'd have to sell the house, she'd have to keep working: "If that happens, can you promise you won't ever leave?" She sputters, "I promise," like, really, really, really unconvincingly.
Susan rows herself and Edie out to the middle of the lake. Edie looks at the box containing Mrs. Kravitz's ashes and beings to cry. "So, what are you waiting for?" Susan asks. Have some sensitivity, SUSAN. "I just need a moment," Edie tells her, and Susan finally says that she should take her time. Edie just cries. Susan looks uncomfortable. "Are you okay?" she asks. Susan! Let her cry! Her friend is dead! God. Edie sniffles that she's just so grateful. Susan agrees that Mrs. Kravitz was a very good friend. Edie sobs: "I'm not talking about Martha. I'm grateful to you. I've been such a bitch to you over the years and....here you are, rowing me out to dump her ashes." Susan, of course, guiltily assures Edie that it's no big deal, but Edie tells her that Susan stepped up when no one else would: "And here I am, thinking you're having an ulterior motive. Susan, you're such a good person. And I'm such a bitch!" Susan finally says that Edie is not that bad, and Susan is not all that good: "Please don't do this." Edie finally sniffs that Mrs. Kravitz may be gone, but "the good Lord above" has shown Edie that she's not alone: "I am so grateful that I still have a true friend. Thank you, Susan." Susan: "Edie, I burned your house down." Edie looks incredulous, and Susan stammers her way though an explanation of the entire mishap. "I'm so sorry! Can you ever forgive me?" she begs. And Edie answers her by throwing Mrs. Kravitz's ashes right in her face. Oh, SUSAN.
Elsewhere, Mike tells Frank he's real sorry about the shoving. Frank apologizes for questioning him, because he knows better. Mike finally takes out an old photo of himself with a blonde woman: "To remind me when I'm there." "If it turns out someone hurt her, I want them dead," Frank says. Mike just says that he wants to be sure before he gets all stabby with it. Frank says that he knows he can trust Mike to take care of it. "After all, you already killed for her once." DUM DUM DUM DUUUM! (I'm just pretending that I have any clue how this plot is tracking. I don't, of course. All of those revelations are meaningless to me at this point.)
Casa House Arrest. Carlos vacuums cheerfully as Gabrielle leaves. Carlos then calls the pharmacy and asks for another set of Gabrielle's birth-control pills -- a couple months' worth. And then he replaces her pills with sugar pills, and I'm fine with them delivering the prescription to his house, and all, but where the hell did he get the placebos? Can you just order a bunch of placebos? That seems very suspicious to me.
Edie and Susan get home. Susan is slightly less ashy. "Edie, please talk to me," she says. Nothing. "I've been thinking about this for the last ninety miles and you don't have to forgive me. You can go to the police, kick me, burn MY house down. You just have to know that I am so racked with guilt that I don't think it's possible for me to suffer more than I'm already suffering." Silence. "Boy. I'd like to put that theory to the test," Edie finally says. And so Susan tells her again to do what she wants, but to know that she's sorry. She gets out of the car and starts up her front walk. "I'm not going to the police." Edie calls after her. She doesn't want to screw up her insurance check. But she wants something in return. She wants to come to poker: "I'm not saying I'll go, and I'm not saying that you and your little friends have to be nice to me, but yeah. Once in a while it'd be nice to be asked." Susan, of course, agrees to this: "We meet Tuesday and it's pot luck lunch. Everyone has to bring something." "I'm not bringing anything," Edie tells her. "Oh, you don't have to," Susan perks, and thanks her. She's going in to shower, but Edie stops her: she doesn't want Mrs. Kravitz to go down some common drain. She'd like to hose Susan off in the front yard. That way, Mrs. Kravitz can look at her own house for all eternity, and keep an eye on the neighborhood. And so she blasts Susan with the hose, right there in the yard. Huh. I kind of like Edie now. Who could possibly have predicted?
Time for the final MAVO montage. Felicia looks at her sister's "missing" flyer, and then crumples it and throws it away. MAVO blabs about death and life and yammer yammer yammer. Across town, Carlos and Gabrielle make out. Lynette tries to do yoga at home, and looks miserable. Suck it, bitch. Karma is going to rock your world and not in the hot way. Mike looks sadly at his photo of the Mystery Dead Chick. So does Frank. And George sits down to dinner and pops in a videotape. It's the security footage from KimberBree's most recent visit to the pharmacy. Why, that's not creepy at all!