By Evany
Bree gets sober with the help of Peter, her hempy AA friend. But after three weeks of hanging out with him, it seems Bree's passion for wine has transference-ed into a passion for Peter. Unfortunately, Peter is not only an alcoholic, but a sex addict too, which at first blush sounds like great news to Bree (they kiss, he tears off his shirt, and shirtless Peter does not disappoint). But just when they get to frenching atop Bree's dining-room table, he catches himself -- this is a major fall off the SA wagon -- and instead of taking off his pants (as Bree clearly expects), he just takes off. Later, to remove himself from temptation, Peter lines Bree up with another AA sponsor (her name is Donna and she isn't nearly as crushworthy as Peter). Bree takes the rejection badly, and she and her coral cashmere sweater go directly to a local watering hole and get stinking drunk, and nice Peter is forced to come to her rescue once again. Andrew's lawyer makes an appointment with Lynette to take her deposition (about how drunky Bree passed out while babysitting the Scavo Ps) for Andrew's upcoming emancipation hearing. Lynette isn't actually sure who to believe -- the recently sober Bree or Andrew's black-and-blue photos? So Lynette has a little chat with Andrew, who manages to let his creep flag fly, which convinces Lynette to state for the record that Bree is a great mother. Karl proposes to Edie under the assumption that the wedding will take at least six months to plan (and thus there'll be plenty enough time to divorce Susan). But Edie plans a surprise wedding and, of course, tells Susan all about it. Susan goes limping (she seems to be somewhat endlessly recovering from surgery) off to tell Karl. To buy time, Karl cooks up a plan to tell Edie that he wants a big wedding that needs tons of planning. But Karl's scheming is null and void-ified when Dr. Ron tells Edie how Karl and Susan are secretly married. Surprise! Edie is not pleased. For punishment, she makes gimpy Susan bartend at the wedding shower, and makes Karl agree to pay for a ridiculously expensive wedding. (And yet...wasn't Karl's lack of liquid assets the reason that he said "I do" to insurance fraud with Susan in the first place?) Also: Karl kisses Susan at the shower. Carlos and Gabby's adoption plans are put at risk when stripper-mommy Libby's boyfriend shows no interest in waiving his paternity rights. But when Libby confesses that the baby isn't his, and that the father is in fact unknown, the adoption is back ON. Libby has the baby, and after a brief, three-second hesitation, Gabby falls in love with the scrappy little infant. But just as Carlos and Gabby are baby bonding, stripper Libby's boyfriend shows up at the hospital and threatens to set himself afire if Libby doesn't name the father. Libby confesses that the baby-daddy is her boyfriend's younger brother, meaning the father is now a known entity and the adoption is at risk. Gabby panics, and she and Carlos escape the hospital with the babe in arms. And while this seems like the iffiest of iffy plans, what with Solises being pretty easy to find, maybe in Fairview -- the haven of baby-stealers -- infant possession is nine-tenths of the law? Oh Fairview!
Previously: just everything that went down last week.
This week's MAVO flashback intro paints the rosy picture of Bree and Hempy's budding romance: "On her first day of sobriety, Bree Van de Kamp found a cork, which reminded her of Chablis." Bree huffs the found cork deep and hard, à la Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. MAVO: "So she called her sponsor, who came over with a DVD, which they watched till her craving had past." We see Hempy and Bree sitting there on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn between them, and they're just laughing and laughing. MAVO: "Five days later, after she developed a thirst for merlot, Peter arrived with a deck of cards." We see the two of them playing what looks like Spit and, again, there is the laughing and laughing. , MAVO tells us, Hempy came bearing "Chinese takeout" in responses to Bree's dangerous "thoughts of vintage chardonnay." And in the Chinese food flashback, the hilarity has reached such a fevered pitch that Hempy's face is shiny and veined with the strain of so much laughing. Meanwhile, Bree looks happier and more carefree than I think I've ever seen her. And, oh my god...she's drinking a Diet Coke directly from the can! Without a coaster! Are we really sure that Bree is sober? MAVO: "By her twentieth day of sobriety, Bree had stopped thinking about alcohol altogether, because her thoughts were now centered...elsewhere."
In the now, Bree and Hempy are playing chess at the dining-room table, and they are sitting awfully close -- maybe the chess-club kids had the right idea after all? Checkmate INDEED. Bree takes one of Hempy's bishops with her knight, and then launches in on one of the weirder preambles to a proposition ever: what, she is curious to know, does Hempy think is the best method for overcoming addiction? He gamely lists "shock therapy" and "hypnosis" as potential approaches, but cites the "one day at a time" approach as his personal favorite. When he asks Bree why she wants to know, she tells him she guesses she's just "impatient to get on with [her] life." And by her "life," it's clear that what she really means is her "plans to rub down Hempy's naked form with essential oils."
With the land thusly tilled, Bree leans in and kisses Hempy lightly on the cheek. He looks up at her with alarm, and then he starts scratching his chest like suddenly he's broken out in his very own case of the kissing rash. Bree tries to breeze the kiss off as just her way of thanking him for being so nice to her these past few weeks. When Hempy doesn't respond -- in fact, he looks like his mind's been completely imploded (and, having recently attended a local high school's take on Cats, I know the look well) -- Bree voices some concern. Hempy finally manages to confess that not only is he an alcoholic, but that he's also a member of "Sex Addicts Anonymous." Bree laughs like he's just told her about his addiction to unicorns. Poor, sheltered Bree. After a beat or two, she comprehends that he's not joking, and says, "But it was just a kiss on the cheek!" Hempy: "Doesn't matter. The slightest touch gets my juices flowing." Much like a Thanksgiving turkey. Bree, with suspect sympathy, asks how long it's been, and he mournfully confesses that he hasn't...stuffed a turkey (my euphemism) in a whole year. Bree can almost taste those juices now! Hempy babbles on about the "plant, pet, person" rule that they have at SAA; once he can manage to keep a plant alive for a period of time, and then do the same with a pet, only then can he "can start dating again." Bree: "So, how are you doing [with that "fern, fido, fellatio" thing]?" Hempy, wryly: "I'm on my fourth ficus." Bree, all "speaking of ficus," leans in and plants one right on his lips. Then, without at all recognizing that she's just done the irresponsible equivalent of someone handing her a drink, she says, "See? I think you can handle affection better than you give yourself credit for." So sweet. And yet so totally selfish and unaware and retarded.
For a second, Hempy just sits there, looking like he's been tazed. But then something (un)snaps inside him, and he lunges at Bree, tears of his own shirt with one hand (which is kind of an amazing feat), and pushes her back onto the table. Knights and castles go flying, a vase full of tulips crashes to the floor, and the heels of Bree's pumps are digging into the dinner table. This from the woman who couldn't have sex with a burrito dripping nearby. Things look like they're about to get seriously serious, when suddenly Hempy regains his senses. He mumbles something about having to leave, and then he just takes off running. Bree yells after him, "But you forgot your shirt!" Hempy, wind-sprinting out the door, yells back, "Keep it!" MAVO: "And though she didn't know it, Bree had answered her own question: the easiest way to overcome one addiction is to replace it with another." Bree, still lying on the table, hugs Hempy's torn shirt to her face and inhales deeply like it's the world's sexiest Chablis cork ever. Uh oh.
Speaking of "temptation," according to MAVO, that's also the name of the club where stripper-mommy Libby works. MAVO informs us, using her very best Romper Room voice, that Temptation has a very loyal clientele, but that when they "cross a line" (we see a nebbishy man grabs a lapdancer's ass), they get "punished." And by "punished," MAVO means that a boyish bouncer comes up and mildly escorts the offender out of the club. Take that! "Punished," MAVO tells us, just like a "certain married couple was about to discover." Huh? The lapdancer sidles over to where Gabby and Carlos are sitting, and offers them a dance. Carlos hesitates, and Gabby shoots him a look until he politely declines. The Solises are there to give Libby a wrapped and bowed gift: it's a fancy camera she's been asking for. Gabby complains about all this pregnant-ass-kissing they've been going through, and Carlos sternly tells her that when it comes to getting their baby, they'll "kiss whatever needs kissing." Just then, Libby waddles up, and she is not pleased to see them at her place of work. She snatches the present and turns to leave, but Crabby snits about how much money they spent on the present, and that the "least [Libby] could do is open it so [Crabby and Carlos] could bask in [her] happy expression." Just then, the boyish bouncer comes over to ask if perhaps there's a problem. And indeed there is: it turns out the bouncy bouncer is actually the father of Libby's baby. What? But last week, Libby said she didn't know who the father was. Crazy.
Julie and Susan are having breakfast for lunch with Karl bounces in. Julie pointedly asks how come he still has keys to the house, and Karl smarms that he needs access so that he can look out for his "two favorite ladies." Wary Julie watches Susan flirtily feed Karl a sample of her omelet, and then she corrects him: "You mean, 'two of your three favorite ladies.'" Both Karl and Susan look confused. You remember...Edie? Karl's current live-in love? Karl snaps his fingers: of course, Edie! Which reminds him; turns out he proposed to Edie last night. Julie is relieved and thrilled by the news, but Susan is confused: wasn't Karl going to wait six months first? Seeing as he's actually still married? He assures her that it isn't going to be a problem: the "classy wedding" he and Edie are going to plan will take months to set up. This prompts Susan and Karl to start reminiscing about their own wedding, and gushing about how happy they were. Julie desperately tries to steer things back to Edie, but Susan and Karl only half listen. Karl takes off, and Julie eyes Susan suspiciously.
Bree walks into the kitchen and finds Andrew's lawyer poking around her fridge...LITERALLY! Apparently he's in the market for a "cream soda," whatever that means. Blah, blah, filler, filler...and then the lawyer gives Bree a list of all the people he's planning to depose for Andrew's emancipation case. Bree worriedly scans the list, and we see that Lynette Scavo is right there, front and center, along with Mrs. McCluskey (who, you may recall, was the one who found Bree passed out on the lawn). Cut to...
...Lynette, picking up toys outside her house. She's wearing a mint-green plastic baby clip in her hair, which she's clearly lifted from Penny. And while it looks cute, it's also a shade "outsider art"y. Bree strolls over and launches an eloquent apology for the whole drunk babysitting fiasco, and confesses that she's joined AA. Bree finishes up: "You are a real friend, and I value your honesty." She seems pretty sincere, too. Lynette can only maintain her frostiness for so long before she breaks down and gives Bree a big, weepy hug. Lynette tells Bree how proud she is of her, and it's a sweet little moment, with the two of them smiling at each other, standing there in the drizzling fall rain. But then Bree goes and ruins it by segueing artlessly into the topic of Lynette's deposition: "Do you have any idea what you're going to say?" Lynette, clearly uncomfortable, stammers that she's going to, uh, "focus on [Bree's] good qualities." Bree looks hugely relieved, like, "Well, now that's taken care of," and she turns to head back to home. But Lynette, being Lynette, doesn't let it end there: "That's not why you came to apologize, is it? To soften me up for the deposition?" Bree, with yucky fakeness: "Of course not!" Bree confides that Andrew is actually making "false accusations" about Bree's abusiveness, all just because he wants to get his mitts on his trust fund so that he could buy a car: "Can you blame me for wanting to know if I have your support?" Lynette looks appalled, but whether it's because she believes the story or Bree isn't exactly clear. Lynette: "What, so you want me to lie? To make you look good?" Bree, sadly and primly: "I actually don't want anything of the sort." Lynette, grimly: "Good, because when I give my deposition, I'm going to tell the truth." Oh, you mean the truth about how Lynette has her own history of addiction? But instead of zinging away on that plum irony, Bree just stands there looking injured. Lame.
Felicia stops by Mike's house and makes him come out to the street to look at CreePaul, who's pleasantly chatting to neighbor "Moira Holt," despite the fact that Felicia expressly told the woman that CreePaul is a murderer. It seems Felicia has somehow turned the corner from "evil, plotting genius" to "shrill and paranoid crazy-person," which is kind of a bummer because she's usually so delightfully, sinisterly sharp. Anyway, Mike doesn't really know what Felicia expects him to do about CreePaul, so Felicia reminds him of a "certain promise" he made to avenge the deaths of Mrs. Huber and Deidre by killing CreePaul. This conversation seems completely out of order, chronologically speaking, since clearly Felicia has already figured out that Mike's no longer her ally, which is why she formed her allegiance with Noah in the first place (though a lot of good that did for her, seeing as that whole plotline just kind of fizzled out). Mike, looking tired and bored (and a little more wrinkly than I recall; you okay, Mike?), tells Felicia that "things have changed" and that she's going to "have to let this go." Felicia: "Sounds to me as though someone's let go of his rage." Like that's a bad thing. Does this scene seem confusing and yet pointless to you? Don't worry about it; pretty much the only reason I can see for it is to pave the way the upcoming Felicia Dentata scene, which will make sense to you soon enough.
Down at TG Sleazy's, Carlos is ranting and raving about "that bitch of a stripper" Libby -- you know, the one who's been lying to everyone, including her boyfriend. TG Sleazy patiently explains that if the father wants to keep the baby, there's nothing they can do about it. But Carlos doesn't want to find a new baby to adopt. Stomp, stomp! Gabby, however, thinks they should give up and move on to a new mother. Which makes no sense, considering how tenacious she's been about this baby up until now. Carlos pleads with Gabby not to "get cold feet," and tells her that they'll just have to pay off the boyfriend like they did Libby. TG Sleazy hears that and totally freaks out. Did he not make it perfectly clear that baby buying = disbarment? Gabby, puzzled: "You said we could give her gifts; everybody loves getting cash." TG Sleazy sighs and says that if Carlos and Gabby are "determined to go down this dark road," then they'll just have to nab the paternal rights waiver that's, hint, sitting right there, hint, on TG Sleazy's desk, and perhaps get Libby's boyfriend to sign it, and date it, on both the front and the back, hint.
Over at Susan's, Julie's packed and ready for a weekend with Karl. Susan eagerly volunteers to walk Julie over to Edie's house, but Julie isn't really thrilled by the idea because she doesn't want Susan running into Karl and getting all flirty again. Susan, by the way, is no longer in the ridiculous wheelchair (which...thank god, because based on Bree's sobriety schedule, at least three weeks have passed). Yet she's walking with a cane, and her hobbling is so pronounced, it's like a fetish (think Billy Idol post motorcycle crash), which is just so weird. Maybe Teri's heinous bunions are to blame? (Did anyone else see that "Grotesque and Deformed Feet of the Stars" feature in Star magazine, oh my god?) And while we're bashing her physical traits: I know we're all so very over the "look how skinny" talk, yet I just can't stop myself: Teri/Susan is looking so tired, her hair is so lank, her clothes are so drab, and yes, she is so skinny, I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't some kind of Thinneresque curse afoot here. Did Susan accidentally run over a gypsy while fellating someone in her car? That would be so like her. Susan admits to Julie that indeed she is "closer" to Karl these days: "The bitter hatred's settled into a respectful disgust."
Susan and Julie arrive at Edie's house, and Edie is out front, unloading a bunch of packages from her trunk. She is also wearing the weirdest sweater imaginable. First of all, it's white and gossamer-thin, so there's not a chance of missing the leopard-print bra glaring from underneath. There's also a leopard-print bow tacked onto the neckline of the sweater, along with some crafty stitch-weaving all around the neck. And? A strange swatch of faux leopard fur, which is tacked onto her right shoulder like the some kind of insane violin-playing pad. What? So anyway, all the packages Edie's unloading, they're for a surprise she's planning for Karl: she's throwing an engagement party tomorrow night. Isn't it a bit early for that kind of thing, seeing as he proposed to her just a few days ago? But that's not all! This party, it's also going to be a "surprise wedding," officiated by Edie's Pilates teacher, who has been "ordained over the internet." Susan is completely winded by the news, and just sort of stands there, carping for air. Edie, sarcastically: "Oh, you're so sweet! Thank you so much for your good wishes!" Edie turns to go inside, and Susan stammers out some warning about how Karl isn't really a fan of surprises, but Edie won't be dissuaded. She tells Susan to "keep [her] trap shut," and then announces that she's off to go get a wedding dress, and that it's going to be white, which will "be a surprise for everybody!" How can Edie not know what a bad idea a surprise wedding is? I thought she was good at men. Though if that sweater is any indication, it's clear she's taken complete leave of her senses.
Andrew's lawyer is down at Lynette's office, trying to convince Lynette to offer up her deposition about Bree's deficient parenting skills. Lynette tells him that she doesn't want to get involved, so the lawyer makes it clear that he can "compel" her to do so, I guess via legal channels. But he's fairly sure that won't be necessary, once Lynette gets a load of the photo of battered Andrew. Oooh, right! Yeah, that photo doesn't look good at all, and Lynette is clearly thrown. Lawyer: "I understand your reluctance to turn on a friend, but this isn't about you, it's about Andrew. Don't you think he's suffered enough?" Wow, I kind of can't believe Andrew's plan is actually working.
Carlos is stuffing one of Gabby's purses full of many, many wads of cash to the tune of $40k. Gabby: "Forty thousand? He's a bouncer in a strip club! Offer him eight." But Carlos doesn't think that the guy is going to sell his baby for just eight thousand. Gabby: "Are we talking about the same idiot? I think for eight thousand dollars, he'd throw in a kidney." Gabby starts nagging him about how Carlos always pays "sticker." Carlos, all snappy: "Okay, what's the sticker price on a child? Tell me that!" Gabby: "I'm thinking twelve." What the hell is going on? Last week, Gabby was ready to pay anything for the baby, and now she's suddenly The Chiseler? Though I guess this is the same woman who chiseled Carlos's rival prisoner's girlfriend Rita out of a $7000 boob job.
Down at Temptation, Carlos and Gabby are in a heated conference with Libby and her fresh-faced collegiate-type boyfriend, who is possibly the least menacing bouncer I've ever seen. Libby is wearing a not-very-believable faux bump. How does the old wives' tale go? If it looks like you're wearing a huge inner tube around your waist, that's a sure sign it's a girl? Libby's trying to browbeat her boyfriend into signing the waiver, but he's putting up a fuss. Libby threatens to call the cops about the "pot farm" he has growing in their basement. Boyfriend laughs sheepishly and tells the Solises that it's "just a couple plants." Libby: "Come on, Frank, you know you'd be a lousy father." Nice. He yells that it's his kid, which means that he can "mess her up" if he wants to! And if Libby goes to the cops about the kind buds, then he'll tell them about all the tips Libby steals. Gabby says, "Okay, we're done," and then she turns and marches for the door. Without pausing to pick up her purse packed full of money. So I guess she doesn't care about the money after all? I'm confused! And also a teensy bit bored. Is it me, or is this episode dragging more than RuPaul? (Good one, right? It just came to me like that, fully formed. I know!) Carlos scrambles after Gabby and tries to get her to stay and work things out with Smokey McPot, but Gabby is all, "It's over!" Which, again, is totally weird, considering how stubbornly aggro Gabby normally is. Just then, Libby -- who's finally realizing that her fish might slip through her net -- pipes up: actually, pothead isn't the daddy. It's just like Libby said back in the beginning: she's not sure who the father is: "Alls I know is I got pregnant right after I worked at the Calgary Rodeo, and I was...very popular there." Frank: "What are you saying, you screwed a bunch of cowboys?" There's a Bareback Mountain joke in here, somewhere, but sadly, it eludes me. Much to your relief, I'm sure. Or wait, something about True Grit? Or wait, Blazing Saddles. RuPaul? Hey, where are you guys going? (Oh, but before we head on to the scene, you'll be relieved to know that Gabby sneaks back and grabs her cash-packed purse, so that loose thread, at least, doesn't get left hanging. Though I'm surprised mercenary Libby didn't demand it for herself.)
Bree arrives early at her AA meeting, per Hempy's request. It turns out that he can't be her sponsor anymore because of the sexual-tension thing. He introduces her to Donna (played by Diane Delano, who looks like a trucker Kathy Bates). Much to Bree's chagrin, Donna is going to be Bree's new sponsor. Bree tries to convince Hempy that she should stay with him, and he tries to explain that, given their recent table tussle, it's best that they stay apart. Otherwise, it could "affect [their] recovery." Bree pleads with him: "It's not a good time for change in my life, Peter. Terrible things are happening. I'm headed to court. I need your support more than ever." Hempy gives her the stony face and tells her that she'll have plenty of support; she just won't have his. He walks away, and Bree looks devastated. Well, at least she has his Hulk-torn tee to sniff.
Gabby pays Lynette a visit down at her office. Ooh, I like this cross-pollination between their worlds! Lynette shows Gabby the Raging Bull photo of Andrew, but Gabby doesn't believe Bree's responsible. Lynette: "I don't either. But on the other hand, she spanked my kids, she lied about her drinking, and I once saw her bitch-slap her mother-in-law. So I'm torn." And just when I'm ready to write this episode off as a continuity disaster, they give me this: a scene that actually builds atop past events (and I'd totally forgotten that bitch slap). Who should Lynette believe? Andrew and his claim of systematic abuse, or Bree who says that Andrew is lying just to get at his money? Well, Gabby, for one, is on Bree's side; she remembers what it was like to be a teenager, back when she "would have done a hell of a lot more than punch [herself] in the eye to get a car." Hey, good scene! But...where's Tom? Does he no longer work with Lynette?
Susan is waiting out on the curb in front of her house. Doesn't she have a children's book to illustrate? Karl's car appears around the bend, and Susan immediately starts to wave her cane around all spastically. Stop with the cane, you're killing me! So she's flapping around, and screaming, "Karl! Karl! Stop! It's an emergency!" I think maybe she's overreacting just a bit? But okay, so she tells him about Edie's ill-advised plans for tomorrow night's surprise wedding. Karl: "God, I hate surprises." Susan warbles that she knows that! Oh, Mr. GRANT! Karl gets out and guides Susan around the car and into the passenger seat, telling her not to worry, and that they'll figure something out. Julie, who's watching the whole thing from inside the house, shakes her head in disgust.
Trucker Donna is over at Bree's house, sipping tea and laying out her rules as a sponsor. Her style is "proactive," meaning that she doesn't do any handholding when someone falls off the wagon. Bree comes in with her ubiquitous offering of muffins, METAPHORICALLY, but Donna declines, saying that she's "not big on snacks," which, much like the Great Cream Soda Scene from earlier, reads like it's supposed to be a joke, but isn't, which is awkward. Also awkward? Donna's line, when she tells Bree, "I'm not a lesbian." How does the old saying go? If you have to say it, you can't afford it? Bree: "Good for you!" Donna explains that if she were lesbionic, AA wouldn't let her be Bree's sponsor (really? that sounds totally wrong), because they might get "tangled up in a little something," which could interfere with Bree's recovery: "So whatever vibe you might be getting, that's all on you." Wait, so Trucker Donna is a lesbian, or isn't she? I don't get it. Bree smiles frozenly for a few beats, and then returns to her Hempy lament: while Bree surely appreciates Donna's help, she just feels like things were going so well with Hempy: "And I was thinking..." Donna: "All right, stop RIGHT there!" Donna snaps that Bree is "fixating" on Hempy. Bree: "I just really feel like I'm jeopardizing my recovery by switching." Man, Bree has got the lingo down. Donna moves over closer to Bree on the couch, causing Bree to lean waaay back, and starts explaining how her "99% success rate as a sponsor" is due to her complete lack of tolerance "for people to lie to themselves." Donna stands and yanks Bree to her feet. They're going hiking! Because, as Donna says, "there's nothing like it for taking your mind off booze." Bree, who isn't wearing the hike-friendliest of clothes (she has on a light pink skirt and a little green cardigan and, I think, heels), looks totally under-stoked; I don't think she's really a hike kind of person.
Susan and Karl are on Edie's front stoop. Karl snaps his fingers and whispers that he's got a plan: he's going to "be the woman" and insist on a huge wedding with lots of flowers and decorations and planning and frosting. The only trouble with his strategy: Susan has to take the fall for ruining the surprise of the surprise wedding. Just then, Edie opens the door and invites them both inside; she's got a surprise of her own to show them. What's this? Why, it's Dr. Ron! And he's totally spilled the beans about Karl and Susan being married. Why he feels compelled to do this, three weeks after breaking things off with Susan, isn't exactly clear. But I sure do like his baby blue sweater! After announcing that she isn't going to scream, or "pound their faces in with a mallet," Edie starts screaming that Karl and Susan are "reprehensible excuses for human beings." Then she turns to Ron and asks if he has anything to add. Without a word, he lifts a vase full of tulips, pulls out the flowers (which are fake, I guess, because there's no water in there), and hands Edie the vase. Ha! Edie throws the vase, and Susan and Karl dive out of the way, and then together they scramble out the door. Bye bye, Dr. Ron!
Andrew is out in front of his house, shooting baskets, and wearing a Texas Longhorn shirt, similar to the one stripper Libby's bouncer boyfriend was wearing, which makes me think it has a kind of significance. Maybe something to do with sports? Huh. Lynette pulls up in front of her house, and she's driving a big silver SUV truck thing. Andrew compliments her on her "sweet ride," and she asks him if actually he wouldn't mind driving it around for a few hours so that she could "pick his brain," seeing as Andrew is the very "demographic" that her client is after for this car. Because so many suburban seventeen-year-olds can afford brand-new silver SUV truck things? Lynette starts reminiscing about how crazy it is that Andrew's of driving age, what with it seeming like just yesterday that he was ten and she was paying him a dollar to rake leaves. Andrew: "Yeah, you were pretty cheap." Lynette looks a little stung by that comment, but she still forges ahead with a little speech about how saddened she is by Andrew's problems with Bree, and how disturbed she is that all that abuse went down without anyone's ever knowing about it: "So if there's anything I can do to help you..." Andrew: "Well, can you get a discount on one of these?" The "uh oh" music starts to swell, and Lynette mentions that even with her perk of a discount, the price is still probably out of the range of a high-schooler. But then, why would the carmakers be trying to target his demogr--- oh, Lynette, you're a sly one. This is all an elaborate trap! Andrew: "Well, if you tell my lawyer the truth, I don't think money's going to be a problem." Andrew is an idiot.
Susan answers her door, and a grim-looking Edie and Karl are there, ready to discuss Susan and Karl's "little deception." Inside, Edie delivers a well-prepared speech to the effect that what she's really upset about is Susan and Karl's lack of faith in her: "I mean, having Susan get married for the insurance was my idea. And if I'd known everything had gotten screwed up, of course I would have agreed." Though, come to think of it, it's kind of weird that Edie never got wind of the arranged marriage falling through, seeing as the guy she'd lined up for the cause was her friend? But, more importantly: Susan? Are you listening? Lying doesn't pay. Karl and Susan apologize, and agree that they "behaved like naughty, stupid children." Edie totally agrees. And what do naughty children get? That's right: punished. Karl's punishment is that he has to pay for an "elaborate wedding." Karl: "Anything, baby...how elaborate?" Edie: "Figure out exactly what it is that you can afford, and then triple it." Ha! But wait, wasn't Karl's lack of funds the very reason he had to marry Susan in the first place? Meanwhile, Susan's punishment is she has to bartend at tonight's engagement party: "Oh and, make sure you come in through the back door."
Bree arrives at Lynette's deposition, looking very pretty in a charcoal pencil skirt, satin chocolate brown blouse, and pearls. She also looks colossally nervous. Lynette (who, in another welcome tip of the continuity hat, is I think wearing her fancy white suit) has already been sworn in, so they start right up with the questions: "Isn't it true," Andrew's lawyer asks, "that while your children were in Bree's care, that she passed out drunk and allowed them to wander off into a downtown business district?" Lynette looks over at Bree, and then tells the lawyer, "My kids don't 'wander.' They scurry, like rats." Well, Lynette would know. Andrew and his lawyer look confused, and Lynette says something about how rats have the technology to escape through holes the size of quarters, which is a trick her ratty children also well know. Hey, Lynette's coming through for Bree! The lawyer starts to scramble: does Lynette hold Bree responsible for endangering the Ps? No, Lynette does not: "Bree Van de Kamp and I have known each other for a long time." Pause for the "Aw" music to swell. "I trust her completely. She's a wonderful friend, and a fantastic mother. She puts the rest of us to shame." Bree is all choked up. Andrew, on the other hand, is piping mad, and yells that Lynette's a total liar, et cetera. The lawyer motions for Andrew to hush, and then asks Lynette whether she thinks Bree has a drinking problem; Lynette lies that she doesn't think that she does. And yet, why did she line up all those bottles on Bree's stoop? the lawyer wonders. Lynette: "I was helping Bree with her recycling." Nice! The lawyer asks Lynette if he needs to remind her about "the consequences of perjury." Lynette, looking directly at Andrew, "No, you don't. In fact, I hate liars." Ah, so satisfying, the comeuppance of Andrew! And yet I'm not sure Lynette truly understands what it means to be on Andrew's shit list.
Hempy is getting out of his car when his phone rings: it's Bree, and she wants him to come with her to Edie's engagement party! Because there's nothing alcoholic sex addicts like more than a party full of strangers and booze while on the arm of a slippery slope. Ugh, Bree is kind of embarrassingly clueless and clingy in this scene. For some reason, she's gotten it into her head that with Hempy no longer her sponsor, they can totally hang out. Bree, like a crazy person: "They're having sushi [at Edie's party]. You like sushi, don't you?" Hempy tries again to brush her off, and Bree takes a big breath and says, "I just really need us to be friends. When I'm with you, I'm not myself, which is a good thing. I can relax when I'm with you, in a way that I can't when I'm with other people. With them, I have to pretend that I have it all together. But you know that I don't, so it's just so much easier. C'mon, it's just a dumb old party!" For a second, I think this impassioned plea is going to work and Hempy's going to cave, but it's just wishful thinking (and really it would be nice if Bree could find someone viable who didn't make her feel like she had to be perfect); Hempy harshly tells her never to call him again. Bree's face crumbles like...RuPaul's.
CreePaul rolls up at Edie's party, and Edie warmly greets him and his nice gift. He thanks her for the invitation, "considering how people in this neighborhood feel" about him. Edie tells him how inclusiveness is her personal policy, and then coos over the weight of his gift. Edie turns around, and there's Susan, who's hobbling on her stupid cane and carrying a tray, and wow, she looks like shit. Edie tells Susan that her champagne is flat, and she wants Susan to make her a "Rusty Nail" instead. Edie doesn't know what's in it, but she happily tells Susan that "it sounds obscure and complicated. So chop-chop!" Susan staggers off, and behind her, we see Carlos hanging up his cell phone: Libby's gone into labor! Lynette squeals in excitement, but Gabby looks like she's going to have a heart attack: "She promised me the baby wasn't due for four more weeks!" Gabby starts blubbering that she doesn't have diapers, or "the stuff babies drink." "Formula?" Lynette suggests. Gabby: "This is a total inconvenience." Lynette: "Welcome to parenthood." Hey Lynette, where's Tom? Does he not attend parties with you anymore?
Gabby and Lynette leave, and the camera pans back to Susan, who's behind the bar. Susan hands Julie Karl's drink recipe book and tells her to look up a Rusty Nail. Julie opens the book, and out pops the photo of Susan and Karl, which he hid there back in the episode where he and Susan had phenomenal sex. Susan is all confused. Why would Karl keep a photo of them together? And yet, the very fact of the photo isn't necessarily that incriminating. How often do people actually crack open their bartender bibles? Ostensibly, that photo could be a remnant from when they were married. Julie does some more eye-rolling, which seems to be her main purpose in this episode.
Upstairs, Karl is...sorting clothing? Refolding guests' coats? Weird. Susan comes in, closes the door, and confronts him: this "fake marriage" of theirs -- it is indeed fake, right? Karl pretends not to know what she means, so she flashes the photo of them together. Karl still feigns ignorance, so Susan tells him, "Repeat after me: 'Our marriage is fake, and I'm going to marry the woman I really love, Edie Britt.'" He makes a joke of it, and then takes the photo and puts it in his pocket and tells Susan not to worry her pretty, apple-doll head over the matter. Pushy Susan keeps pushing: why is he holding on to that photo? Karl, finally serious, sadly tells Susan that he just "likes to look at it from time to time." Susan: "Why?!" Karl: "Consider it my punishment for screwing up the best thing that ever happened to me." Susan looks at him, aghast, and then shakes her cane at him and tells him, "No, this is not happening!" Karl grabs Susan's cane, throws it to the floor, and totally starts macking on Susan. At his own engagement party. Celebrating an engagement to another woman. Susan struggles and struggles, and somehow they wind up rolling around on the bed. Finally, she manages to pull her face away from Karl, but she's still straddling him when he tells her he'll do whatever she wants: marry Edie, call off the wedding, whatever...he's "putty." Just then, Edie says, "Karl?" from outside the door, and without hesitating, Karl flips Susan over his head and onto the floor beside the bed. Edie walks in just as Karl's scrambling up to his feet, and she asks him what he's up to. Karl: "Just putting away some coats." Ah, so that's what he was doing. Edie sweeps him out of the room: it's present-opening time! In the bedroom, Susan creeps slowly out of hiding. And if she secretly didn't need a cane before, that throw should do the trick.
Down at the local watering hole, Bree comes in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Hi, I need some advice from a professional. I'd like to get stinking drunk. Do you have anything that can accomplish that in a hurry?" She's wearing the same pretty cashmere coral sweater from her phone scene with Hempy, so presumably this is the direct result of his spurning. Ugh, this isn't going to end well.
Down at the hospital. Gabby, wearing a hospital gown, comes running around the corner, and then skids to a halt: She "forgot the Lamaze book in [her] purse!" Carlos grabs her and tells her that they'll "wing it," and he speeds her along. But their rushing is for naught: the baby's already here. Huh, I would have thought they'd string out the pregnancy for a few more episodes at least. Gabby is crestfallen to discover that they missed the whole thing, though I can't really imagine her getting into the screaming and perineum damage of actual labor, so really their timing is probably a good thing. Libby, who is still shiny with delivery sweat, says, "The kid just slipped right out." It must be all that pole dancing. The nurse, who's holding the baby, asks if Gabby and Carlos are family. Libby takes a breath, and then introduces them as "the parents." Aw.
Later, Carlos and the nurse are busy swaddling the baby, and Gabby is standing off to the side, looking nervous. The nurse invites Gabby to join in, but Gabby makes some excuse. Carlos urges her to help, but still she hangs back; she "doesn't want to do anything to screw it up." The nurse assures her that the baby isn't going to break, as all baby nurses do in every new-baby scene ever televised, and she puts the baby right into Gabby's arms. Three seconds later, Gabby is in love! Gabby, looking down at the baby (who looks like a 1970s illustration of a gnome, but in a nice way), whispers to Carlos that he was right, "It was all worth it." And the "babies=world peace" music swells!
Back at the party, Edie has just opened Lynette's present: it's a set of serving bowls. Edie is clearly not impressed. Lynette points out that there's a gift receipt in the box, and Edie is instantly cheered. How rude! (Edie is awesome.) up? Felicia's present. Now, remember the weird and dumb scene between Felicia and Mike, back when this recap was young and carefree? Well, this moment was the very reason that scene was ham-fisted into being. Ready? So Edie opens up the box, and inside...? Are Mrs. Huber's dentures! Edie puts the teeth back into the box and dusts off her teeth-sullied hands. Felicia, with uncomfortable sincerity, explains that while the gift is "unconventional," Felicia wanted Edie to have something "truly personal" to remember Martha by, since she and Edie had been such good friends: "Since she left us so abruptly -- you know, when Paul Young strangled her, crushed her windpipe, and buried her alive to a garbage-strewn hiking trail." Edie clears away Felicia's champagne glass ("I think you've had enough"), and Felicia apologizes; it's just that she wanted to remind everyone that, while they're "chit-chatting and eating these yummy hors d' oeuvres," they're doing so in the "company of a murderer." And with that, CreePaul stands and, in the wake of some quiet muttering, walks out the door. Wow, Felicia is totally nuts.
Nighttime, down at the bar. Hempy walks it, looks around, and then he spots Bree: she's passed out at a corner table. I guess she called him just before passing out? Eeee, so embarrassing, the "I'm going to get so drunk that you have to come rescue me" move. Doesn't Bree know that you're supposed to get that out of your system in high school, just like the rest of us? Hempy shakes her awake, and asks her why she didn't call Donna. Why, oh why! Bree, with the sticky voice of the phenomenally drunk: "I don't need Donna; I need you." Hempy pulls her to her feet, and she manages to stagger a few inches before he has to lift her up into his arms and carry her out. Hempy -- basically to himself, because Bree's in no shape to listen: "You know? I don't even like redheads." And while I think that line was supposed to be sweet, like "aww, he just can't help liking her," as anyone who's drunkenly manipulated someone into momentary caring knows, this just can't end well.
Down at the hospital, Gabby and her extensions are cuddling the baby, and Carlos is waiting his turn: "C'mon, you're hogging her!" Ha. From the hallway, they hear some drunken shouting. It's the bouncer boyfriend, and he's waving a bottle around and yelling at Libby, who's in a wheelchair (because she's recently passed a human being from through her private canal and not because of some pussy "wandering spleen" recovery jive). Bouncer Boyfriend needs to know the true identity of the father! When Libby keeps sticking to her "some rodeo guy" story, BB pours the booze out on his arm and yells that he's going to set himself on fire if she doesn't come clean. Gabby: "He's going to light himself on fire with coffee liqueur?" Ha! BB puts the lighter against his skin, and it doesn't catch, but he still shouts in pain, and Libby yells, "It was Dale!" Dale being BB's baby brother, who's only nineteen, but, as Libby assures him, "old enough to know which end is up." Yay, what an awesomely weird thing to say -- like, some kids are so young, they mistakenly try to sex up a woman's ankle?
Slowly it dawns on Gabby and Carlos that with an identifiable father back on the scene, the adoption is once again in jeopardy. Gabby looks sick. "No," she says with mama-bear conviction. "I'm not giving up the baby." Slowly, she walks, with babe in arms, past the bouncer boyfriend (who's now wrestling with an orderly and a security guard). Carlos runs after her and tries to stop her. Gabby: "Do you really want to leave this beautiful baby girl with that white-trash freak show?" Carlos gives in, and together they race to their car, pausing guiltily while a fleet of cops run past them to, I guess, go contain the bouncer boyfriend (or maybe the alarm tag that all newborn infants are given triggered the law?). Once at the car, Carlos struggles to get the car seat in place. (Listen up, Britney! They're on the run from the law and yet still they pause to get the baby all safe and strapped in.) After Carlos tries and fails to get the seat buckled, Gabby takes over. And clip, snap, thunk! The baby's in. Hey, Gabby's going to make a wonderful mother after all! That, or she's just really versed in the assembly of restraint harnesses. Carlos: "You know this isn't going to end well. They're just going to try and take her back." Gabby, caterpillaring her way into the front seat, grunts, "Maybe, but we don't have to make it easy for them." Gabby peels out of the hospital parking garage, smashing the box the car seat came in on her way out. Foreshadowing? And, if yes, of what?
And it's finally, finally time for the nutjob MAVO wrap up! "Temptation comes to all of us. Whether or not we succumb depends on our ability to recognize its disguise. Sometimes it arrives in the form of an old flame, flickering back to life." Susan, sitting in front of the fire, holds her hands out to the warm, and then touches her lips, her mind a million miles away (in Karl's pants). "Or a new friend who could end up being so much more." Hempy feeds coffee to a grateful, if essentially catatonic, Bree. "Or a young child who awakens feelings we didn't know we had." Gabby cuddles with the baby. "And so we give in to temptation, all the while knowing, coming morning, we'll have to suffer the consequences." We see the exterior of what is, I think, Gabby's house? The lights are all on, but then upstairs, one light goes dark. Hm, I don't get it.
week: no Housewives, which is great because I'm moving! But starting a fortnight from now, it'll be non-stop Fairview action until the season finale. (Pray for me.)