Susan's book agent, Lonny Moon (played by the glorious Wallace Shawn), confesses that he's been fired for "moving money around" (i.e., embezzlement). Susan is inclined to keep letting Lonny rep her, what with all the nice things he's done for her over the years (he drove her to the hospital to deliver Julie, he took her on vacation when Karl left, etc.), but Mike thinks Susan can't and shouldn't trust Lonny. Mike's theories about "trust" and "violating trust" and "not trusting someone ever again" get Susan thinking that Mike might not forgive her for sending Zana away to Utah without telling Mike. (Also: Zana's trip to Utah is especially sad since CreePaul, the object of Zana's wild goose chase, is actually back in Fairview, as we see for one split second at the end of the episode.) Susan seeks Julie's advice (of course), and Julie tells Susan that she has to tell Mike, or not tell him, or, you know, be an adult and figure out what to do on her own. Lynette makes the mistake of bringing Bossy Boobs to a bar, where: Bossy meets a man. Said man participates in some sex with Bossy; Bossy really seems to like the sex, prompting Bossy to force Lynette to be her non-threatening married wing-woman night after night after night. Lynette ends this vicious cycle by transforming herself from "non-threatening married wing-woman" to "sexy dancing-on-the-bar sexy party-girl sexy, sexy, SEXY," effectively fixing Bossy Boobs's wagon. We see on the news that someone's been arrested for a murder in Chicago, which freaks Betty out because the man in the basement -- who we discover is actually Betty's somewhat "slow" son Caleb -- is the real murderer. Bree finds out about Rex's "I forgive you" note and is fundamentally enraged that he could believe she'd do such a thing. So, out of spite, she...reburies Rex in a non-Van de Kamp plot! Carlos gets a glimpse of handsome Lawyer Bradley and decides on the spot that he does not want such good-looking representation anywhere near his wife. Gabby pleads with Lawyer Bradley to come up with some way of convincing Carlos, and Lawyer Bradley hits upon the genius scheme of telling Carlos that the only way the handsome LB won't sleep with Gabby is if Carlos hires him as a lawyer. And Carlos is all: you're hired!
Previouslies: the police exhumed Rex's body, Gabrielle lined Carlos up with the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, Susan sent Zana to Utah, there's someone living in the Applewrongs' basement (remember that storyline?), and Mike left Paul in the desert.
It's an ad, ad world at Lynette's place of employ. Lynette and her team of crack creatives are pitching a poster for Kamarov Vodka to Bossy Boobs. The headline reads "A RUSSIAN CLASSIC..." and the zinger is "DISTILLED THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY." The girl holding the poster looks all of seventeen years old, and she has a completely star-struck baby deer look on her face that makes me think that maybe she won some kind of "Housewife for a Day" walk-on contest. MAVO: "Since her first day on the job, it had been clear to Lynette Scavo that her new boss, Nina, was unusually...tense." Bossy Boobs sits on the edge of her desk, and the camera pans down to reveal that she's white-knuckling a pencil, which snaps right in two. MAVO: "To help relieve [Bossy's] tension, Lynette tried giving her boss thoughtful gifts: a soothing wave machine..." In flashback, Lynette walks into Bossy's office with said soothing wave machine, which she's topped with a big, red bow. Bossy, who appears to be suffering from some kind of horrible neck pain, shoots Lynette a "what the hell...?" look. MAVO: "...aromatherapy candles..." Lynette gives Bossy a plastic-wrapped basket full of fake flowers, bows, and like six different kinds of candles -- something about the arrangement smacks of the bizarre Ross Dress For Less food, gift, and scary doodad section (I hope Lynette remembered to hack off the un-peel-off-able RDFL price sticker). Bossy, who is sitting at her desk and massaging her mastoid processes in a way that marks her as a chronic TMJ-sufferer, gives Lynette a zombie stare. MAVO: "...even meditative chi balls." Lynette deposits a pair of tinkling, fairy-bell balls all covered in yings and yangs onto Bossy's desk. These balls are either the kind that people rotate in one hand to promote relaxation, or they're the kind that's used to improve the muscle tone of the vaginal walls. Bossy gives Lynette a startled look. (Ben Wa balls, methinks!) MAVO: "But nothing seemed to ease Nina's tension."
Back in the now, Bossy seems not at all pleased with Lynette's vodka pitch. Bossy, in a voice drenched in sarcasm, repeats the tagline zinger: "'Distilled...the old-fashioned way.' You know it actually hurts my teeth to say that out loud." Bossy grabs the poster out of the startled walk-on's hands, yelling now, "You folks are going to toddle back to your little holes and you're going to come up with a decent slogan, or I will can all your asses the old-fashioned way." Ha! Bossy tears up the poster in a toddler-esque pique. Lynette looks on, amazed. MAVO: "Until one day, when it occurred to Lynette there was one form of relaxation she had yet to try."
Lynette and Bossy Boobs are in a bar; Lynette is introducing BB to a "gimlet." BB, with much cynicism, accuses Lynette of trying to get BB so loose that she'll approve Lynette's revised pitch. Lynette: "Don't be ridiculous!" And then, in the direction of the bar, Lynette yells, "Could we get a trough of these, please!" And BB laughs! Ding, dong, Bossy Boobs laughed! BB tries to remember the last time she was in a bar: "Must have been the last time I had a boyfriend, which was...oh god, I'm a nun." Lynette wonders why BB doesn't get in "the game," and BB tells her, "Believe it or not," and this recapper really, really does not, "when it comes to meeting men, I am shy." Lynette, on the other hand, is not at all shy, and she points out some guy over at the bar that Lynette claims has been staring over at BB. BB dishes that she actually finds bar-man to be "cute," and Lynette encourages her to go over to him. BB refuses! Lynette says, "Oh for god's sake," and walks right on over to the man herself while BB buries her head in her hands. "Hey Stretch," Lynette says to the guy. I love it when people call other people "Stretch"! Lynette tells him that her friend thinks he's cute, and they look over at BB, who waves weakly. Lynette suggests that he buy her a drink, and he nods receptively.
The day, the office is buzzing with activity (as in, it's probably well past 9 AM) when the elevator doors part, revealing a verrrrrryyyy relaxed Bossy Boobs. Her hair is tousled, she's sipping a latte, and she's wearing yesterday's clothes. She is medicated-ly nice to everyone as she walks in, all, "Hey," "Hi," and "Beautiful morning, isn't it?" She tells a startled-looking Lynette that she read the new vodka proposal -- huh, how did that work? Did she check her email over at the bar-man's house? -- and Bossy thinks Lynette's team "hit it out of the park!" MAVO: "And although it had come about in an unexpected manner..." Lynette asks BB if the clothes she's wearing are the same as the clothes she wore to the bar, and BB gleefully confesses that she is, indeed, wearing the very same outfit, and then she winks. MAVO: "...Nina's tension had finally been released...the old-fashioned way." BB, it appears, got herself a happy ending!
When we get back from the credits, we find the MAVO still in a very talkative mood. She tells us all about how everyone needs someone to depend on, be it a companion, friend, or dog. And then she tells us that Susan's dependable someone, her "rock," was her book agent, Lonny Moon (Wallace Shawn!). I'm beginning to worry that this prolonged and repeated MAVO exposure is giving me cancer. We see in flashback that Lonny was the one who helped Susan promote her first book. Susan's hair is longer and fuller in the flashback, and there's a poster hanging behind her announcing that she is the author of Ants in My Picnic Basket. I thought Susan was a children's book illustrator (versus author)? But what do I know; I also thought Ants in My Picnic Basket was a saucy adults-only board game. We flash back to another scene, the night Lonny rushed a be-bumped Susan to the hospital to give birth to Julie. Then we flash to Susan looking supremely glum, wearing a sombrero, and riding behind Lonny on the back of a burro: it seams Lonny also swept Susan away on a tropical vacation when Karl left her. The depressing sombrero footage freezes to a still that morphs into a photograph which, we see, is attached to the side of Susan's fridge with a heart-shaped magnet. We pan back and see through the kitchen window that Lonny is marching up to Susan's door. MAVO: "Sadly for Susan, her rock was about to crumble." I wonder how many MAVOs start with "Sadly for Susan"? Like two out of every three? As Susan goes to open the door for Lonny, she walks past a television set that's playing a news announcement about "new developments in the Melanie Foster case." Susan asks Lonny what he's doing there, and he enthuses that it's past noon, which means it's "now socially acceptable to begin drinking!"
Cut to Lonny and Susan tipping back beers in a bar. Susan says she's glad she came out, even though she's totally behind in her work (as an author). Wallace tells Susan...wait, no, Lonny tells Susan...Wally? Wally tells Susan that he actually had an ulterior motive for taking her out for some daytime drinking: he's starting his own agency! This is jarring news for Susan, considering how Wally helped build "Muir and Hunt" (the agency he's leaving). Wally plays it like it was simply time for a change. Will Susan make the move with him, he very much wonders? Without hesitating, Susan says that of course she'll keep him as her agent, and together they toast "to the future." Then Susan says something about informing the agency, you know, out of politeness. Wally tries to talk Susan out of it, but then he gets a sort of deflated look, and confesses that there's been some "bad blood" between the partners and Wally: "I got into this thing where I had to move a little client money around temporarily to cover some expenses." Susan thinks that it "sorta sounds like embezzlement." Wally, shouting: "Why do people keep using that WORD?" Susan asks who's been using the word "embezzlement," and Wally says nobody...well, the partners, and...their forensic accountant. Susan gasps as it occurs to her that Wally might have moved around some of her money, even though (as it's been pointed out on the boards) the likelihood of a book agent having access to a client's funds is pretty unlikely. ["It might be different with TV agents since, as Steve Sicherman told us, something like this happened to Marc Cherry." -- Wing Chun] Wally insists that he absolutely did not touch any of Susan's money. Wally starts to beg Susan, telling her that he knows what he did was wrong, but she must please, please not hate him. Susan gives a few pats and tells Wally that she could never hate him. Wally closes his eyes and, with much sadness and tension, asks Susan again if she'll still come with him. The Desperate Housewives "hello hijinks" music starts to play, and Susan says, "You know what? This is one of those times when you find out who your real friends are. So: yeah." Wally thanks Susan profusely, hugs her hugely, and tells her what a "special lady" she is. Oh, Susan's special all right!
Gabby, whose midriff still reveals not even a hint of looming baby, apparently has managed to locate some kind of sonographic evidence of said fetus, which she shows to Carlos during visiting hours at the jail. They are arguing over what's what in the photo, the baby's head looks like a foot, etc. Gabby: "Well that settles it: when this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks." Carlos chuckles, and tells her that she's glowing -- that pregnancy really agrees with her. Gabby: "Oh yeah? Well, if you don't mind the hemorrhoids and the nausea, it's quite the party." Gabby has hemorrhoids? I know this is fantastically ignorant of me, but somehow Gabby seems too small a person for hemorrhoids, like...where would she put them? There just doesn't seem enough square footage for such an ailment to grow. Also, should I be worried that I spelled "hemorrhoids" correctly on the very first try? Gabby's hilarious hemorrhoids also make Carlos chuckle. Carlos is very giggly in this scene. Gabby looks at her watch, saying she doesn't know what's keeping the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, whom Carlos, by the way, is going to love, since he's quite the "shark" and hasn't lost a case in six years, plus he engineered Carlos and Gabby's miraculous conjugal visit. Carlos says he's a fan already, and kisses Gabby's hand. Just then, in walks the LLB. Carlos takes one look at him, and then looks at Gabby, who is gazing adoringly up at the lawyer, and then Carlos sees the LLB's hand, which is comfortably resting on Gabby's shoulder, and suddenly Carlos is smiling no longer. Carlos: "I don't think so." Gabby is all, what the hell? Carlos just says that he doesn't want this guy to be his lawyer, and tells Gabby to find a new one. Gabby is miffed! Also, her peach satin halter is riding very strangely, with her breasts a full three inches south of the triangles of fabric that are supposed to be cupping them.
Bree, flanked by her own very young turk of a lawyer, is down at police headquarters. The lawyer is yelling that the police haven't filed a single charge, and that they need either to "determine a homicide" or to hand over Rex's body. There are two cops there: Detective Barton, who was there for Bree's lie detector test, and a new, cranky policeman. Cranky is yelling that they have a court order, which lets them hold on to the corpse as long as they need it. Bree: "He is not a corpse. He was a man named Rex Van de Kamp. He was a loving husband, devoted father, and a successful doctor. So successful, in fact, that he left me enough money to sue the city, this precinct, and you two gentlemen personally just for the fun of it." Hmmm. I would have thought a murder investigation would have put any money Bree had coming to her in limbo. I guess not? Cranky informs Bree that the police don't "respond well to threats." Clearly, Cranky is all geared up for many rounds with Bree, but Detective Barton jumps in and tells Cranky to release the body. This throws Cranky for a loop, but Barton explains that the evidence they have is "minimal at best," and considering that Bree was "gracious enough" to take a lie-detector test, it's the least they could do. Bree, looking smug, thanks Detective Barton and asks Cranky what's going to happen . Cranky reluctantly tells her that they'll put Rex back right where they found him. Bree: "Yes and I'm sure you'll bury him with all the dignity of a dead hamster. No. I want Rex released to me, and I'll make all the arrangements." Bree's lawyer adds that they police will also be paying for all the reburial costs, to which Detective Barton also readily agrees. Bree: "Detective Barton, you are clearly a gentleman."
Back at the ad story that is Lynette's work, a bunch of officemates are gathered around a juicy flat-screen television, which is tuned in to another news alert about slain teen Melanie Foster. Wow, that is a pretty luxe reception area. I especially covet the faux-forest wallpaper they have in there. The camera pans over to Lynette's glass-box office. She's on her mobile phone, packing up to leave, and saying something about picking up pizza on the way home. The second she gets off the phone, Bossy Boobs is all over her. Bossy -- who is still wearing that same outfit, so I guess this is still the same day -- is all fired up about hitting "O'Donnell's" for a drink, regarding the fact that she owes Lynette a beer, and so much more! Lynette thanks Bossy for the offer, but lets her know that she needs to get home. Bossy pleads with her, saying how much fun she had last night. Lynette suggests that Bossy ask Trudy to go with her, and she gestures over at a blonde woman with big white teeth who's chitchatting in the reception area. Does anyone actually work at this place? Bossy: "Trudy? Are you kidding? I don't need the competition. Have you seen Trudy without her jacket? She is HOT." Lynette nods knowingly, and Bossy backpedals, insisting that she's not saying that Lynette isn't hot, it's just that Lynette is married, as in "off the market." Lynette starts walking to the elevator, and Bossy leaps in front of her, insisting that Lynette grab just one quick drink with her. "I was actually starting to think that you and I were becoming pals," Bossy manipulates. Lynette seems very skeptical about the whole "pals" thing, considering the way Bossy mocked her campaign earlier that day. Man, the sex glow sure fades fast with Bossy, who was all smiles and campaign-approve-y just this morning. Bossy: "That was just [me] putting on a show for work. In the future, always just assume that I'm winking. On the inside." Ha! Bossy does some more wheedling, and finally Lynette caves and agrees to one drink. Bossy: "Yeah! One or two!" And with that, Lynette's family is going pizza-less.
Betty is sorting her mail and finds something addressed to Zana. She walks it over to the Young house and stuffs the padded envelope into a crate that's sitting there on the stoop, already overflowing with mail. Apparently, Betty also got some mail that was meant for Edie...
...because we see her over at Edie's house. Edie is wearing a short white nightie (through which the ghostly outline of a pair of black briefs can be seen), her pink cast, and one crutch. The look is very "gimpy hee-haw." Edie thanks Betty for walking the mail over, and tells her that she has some of Betty's mail, too. Betty mentions that this is the fourth time their mail's been mixed up. And, in a rare but very welcome fit of explanatory background from the writers of this show, Edie tells Betty how the mailman used to be great, but then he had a stroke: "Now we're lucky if he doesn't drool on the coupons." Edie goes to fetch Betty's mail, telling Betty to "feel free to snoop around" while she's gone. Ha! Betty wanders over to Edie's television, which is on Mute. More news footage -- this time, a man is standing in front of a courthouse, and there's an "Arrest in the Foster Case" graphic at the bottom of the screen. Betty rushes over to the TV and cranks up the volume, catching the man announcing that "families in Chicago breathed a sigh of relief today as an arrest was finally made in the brutal attack of local high-school student Melanie Foster." We see footage of a man, who is bald and black (much like Basement Buddy), being unloaded out of the back of a police car. Edie comes back into the room, but Betty, she is gone! As Edie looks for Betty, the newscast continues to play for a few beats, saying something about how the murder happened four months ago.
Cut to Betty walking nervously back into her house. Matthew already has the television tuned to exactly the same station. They look at each other with huge relief. Betty: "They've arrested somebody." Matthew: "Yeah, looks like we're in the clear." Dum dum dum etc.!
Bree, Edie, Susan, Gabby, and Gabby's epic hair extensions are sitting around the table playing cards. Ooh, a group scene! Bree lets the ladies in on the good news about Rex's body being released by the police, finally. Bree, I'm very glad to see, is out of the black and into a nice loden-green scoop neck top. The bun, however, is still cemented into place. Bree tells everybody that she still can't believe that the police thought she was capable of murder! Edie: "Well...you are wound up pretty tight." All the ladies stare at her, aghast, for saying such a thing, so she clarifies, "What? The supermom is always the first to snap. They've done studies." Bree wonders if the ladies are available this coming Friday morning for the reburial. Bree realizes it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip and Andrew is back at Camp Hennessy for a "little refresher course." So Bree was hoping the ladies would stop by "the very brief and dignified ceremony" and maybe say a few words. Bree herself plans on reading a poem. Bree is cutely sweet and warm in this whole scene. Susan and Gabby say they'd love to come, but Edie says she's busy. Bree gets up from the table, and Susan hisses at Edie for trying to back out of the reburial. Edie hisses back at Susan: "She's going to read a poem," which, as a fellow poem-phobic, made me laugh. Susan stomps Edie's good foot under the table (Susan is, I think, a sadist, in love with inflicting pain?), and Edie blurts, "Fine, yes, we'd all love to come." Bree thanks them, and tells them they just don't know how much it means to her: "I realize, looking back, I was still in shock during Rex's first funeral, I don't think it had quite hit me yet what had happened, so that's why this small ceremony means so much to me, because I realize now that this is the last change I'm going to have to say goodbye." Gabby leans over and gives Bree's hand a squeeze, while Edie says, "Unless, of course, they dig him up again." All the ladies give shocked looks and eye-rolls. Edie is awesome.
Gabby and Carlos are in for a round of jail-time group couples' therapy. A bald Bob is tearfully sharing: "Sure, there was [sic] times when Lisa was rude and obnoxious, but I know now that was no excuse to always be beating on her. Oh, baby, I'm just so sorry!" Bob gives Lisa a big hug. Something about that bit make me squirm, like the writers were straining to make a joke here about spousal abuse, but it just came off as kind of creepy. The priest moderator applauds, and tells the group that the Lisa and abusive Bob are an example of how to "use incarceration to [their] benefit; it's a chance for people to take a step back and observe the obstacles in their marriage." Mona, a sassy woman with melon-ous breasts and a tan camo pantsuit, interrupts the priest: "Can I go now? Because I have a lot to say about the obstacles I'm facing in my marriage." Her man-friend, Lamont, insists that they don't have any obstacles. Mona responds that they do so have obstacles -- big ones -- but the priest interrupts them, saying it's actually Gabby and Carlos's turn to share. Carlos: "Thanks, but we're good." He puts his hand on Gabby's knee, and she lifts it off and throws it back in his lap. The priest keeps riding them to talk, and finally Gabby admits that their marriage is "shaky, at best." She explains about the brilliant lawyer she hired to get Carlos out of this "hell hole," but then Carlos fired him, for no reason! Carlos and Gabby start bickering about how Carlos is jealous of the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley, which Carlos says he has a right to be (jealous), seeing as how Gabby cheated on him. Beater Bob gasps, and Gabby says to him, "Oh Bob, you beat your wife, you are so not allowed to gasp." Bob's woman-friend Lisa yells at Gabby not to talk that way to Bob, and Gabby tells her, "One more word out of you, Lisa, and I'll backhand you myself." And again, maybe I'm a hippie feminist NoCal politically correct nightmare, but I find this continued wife-beating joke still not so funny. Carlos: "Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and [Gabby's] got to get the one that looks like an underwear model." Gabby says that Carlos can rot in jail for all she cares, etc.!
Carlos and Gabby fall into a sulky silence, and the priest tries to divert the group's attention back to Mona, but Gabby starts in again, asking Carlos how he even knows that the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley has a good body, considering that the man never took off his suit in front of Carlos. Carlos wants to know if Gabby knows whether the LLB has a nice body, which Gabby heatedly denies. Lamont: "I bet he's hot." Mona: "Do I need to say what our biggest problem is? Or can everybody figure it out for themselves?" Whee!
Susan and Julie are hanging out in the living room, reading things. Mike leans over the back of Susan's couch and asks Susan why she's still reading Wally's contract: "You didn't seriously say you were thinking about going with him?" Susan says that Wally is family, and that he's always been there for her: he paid her rent when she was waiting for her first royalty check, he called her every day when Karl left: "I just owe him so much!" Which is why we've seen him exactly zero times before now? Mike: "Susan, he committed a felony." Susan: "Okay, who in this room has not committed a felony, raise your hand?" And then, to Mike, she says, "Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast." Zing! Mike says that her agent represents her, which requires trust, which just isn't possible now. Susan thinks that it is possible, because she has faith in people, and she knows Wally's sorry: "What, you don't believe people deserve second chances?" Mike: "Not when they've messed up this much, no." Susan: "Really? So that's it with you? You just get one shot. You screw up and you're out. I didn't know that you were such a cynic." Neither did I! It seems like Susan's screwed up with Mike plenty of times before, and vice versa, and they just keep on getting back together. Mike apologizes, saying that it's just the way he's "wired."
Mike takes off to go do some work. Susan sighs worriedly, and Julie asks her if she's okay. More to the point, is Julie okay? Because she is taking some seriously dangerous fashion risks today: what is that, a potholder? Stitched to the front of her lace-trimmed brown tank top? Oh, Julie. Susan confesses that she's gone and done something "really, really bad." Julie remains silent. Susan: "Well, aren't you going to ask me what it is?" Julie: "Do I even have to?" On cue, Susan tells Julie how, last week, she found Zana, gave him money, and sent him away, all without telling Mike. Julie: "Holy crap! What are you gonna do?" Once again, Susan reveals her profound immaturity and asks Julie what she would do if she were in this situation. Julie: "You see, this would never happen to me. This kind of thing only happens to you." Susan whines at Julie to stop judging her. Julie rolls her eyes and says that, obviously, Susan has to tell Mike. Susan snaps that she can't do that! Julie heard Mike! About how he's wired? Clearly, once he finds out how Susan betrayed him, he'll never forgive her. Julie: "Okay, don't tell him." Susan argues, then, that she can't not tell him, regarding how guilty she feels every time Mike talks about Zana. Julie asks where Susan thinks Zana went, and Susan tells her he went to Utah, and then sighs a sad, sad sigh. Susan: "Oh, lord. Why did I do this?" Julie: "I have a feeling you did it for me." Aw.
Cut to the totally stroked mailman, who's delivering yet another package to the Young residence (they do get an awful lot of mail). When he sets down the package, we see that the box, which was bursting with mail when last we saw it, is now...empty! Eee eee eee, etc.!
It's the end of the day, and Bossy Boobs comes in to Lynette's office and says she hopes Lynette's in the mood for margaritas because it's "Salsa Night at O'Donnell's." Lynette tells Bossy that,while that sure does sound fun, she can't: she promised the twins she'd help them with their science project. First of all, yay! Another piece of (admittedly circumstantial) evidence that the twins exit! But what? The twins of my (admittedly foggy) memory are like five or maybe six years old. Are kids that young really doing science projects? I guess they start training kids for world domination at a pretty tender age these days. Bossy takes a new tack with Lynette, saying in a concerned voice that if Lynette can't hack the late hours, maybe she should be moved to a less-demanding account, which makes zero sense. Now if Bossy had said that the whole team was getting together to brainstorm some ideas for the pitch over at Salsa Night, maybe there'd be an argument for equating "margaritas" with "work," but...clearly I'm taking this all way too seriously. Anyway, so Lynette calls Bossy on her maneuvering, asking point-blank if Lynette's getting pulled from the vodka account just because she won't go out drinking. Wouldn't that be ironic? Don't you think? Bossy denies it, saying she understands that Lynette has made her family her number-one priority: "I mean, for me, the client comes first. Being a perfectionist is my own neurotic issue, and I know I really need to work on that." Okay, so I guess Bossy is trying to make it seem that this is about Lynette leaving early to be with her kids, and not about going to the bar? Which is slightly more sense-making. Nonetheless, I still feel like the whole setup is confusing and also crummy, and I feel a bit sorry for Lynette...
...who indeed agrees to go to O'Donnell's, which is hopping. Bossy and Lynette haven't even sat down yet when Bossy spots some ripe fruit of a man sitting at the end of the bar. She says to Lynette: "Get him for me." Poor Lynette!
Betty sits at the kitchen table. She's wearing rubber cleaning gloves and writing something on a sheet of paper. A timer goes off, and she takes off the gloves and prepares Basement Buddy's tray and takes it down to the dungeon. Basement Buddy is sitting there on the bed, un-manacled, and Betty doesn't even have her gun, or son, with her or anything. Huh? Buddy starts to eat, and she starts changing his bedding. Casually, she mentions that they're "going on about Melanie Foster on the news." He stops chewing. Betty: "It's time we talked about it, Caleb." Basement Buddy's name is Caleb! Betty tells Caleb that until he "accepts responsibility for what happened," she can't let him out of the dungeon. Upstairs, strapping Matthew -- who is wearing a very well-fitted wife-beater tank-top -- reads over what Betty was writing: it's a letter in all block letters. It reads: "To the Chicago Police Dept, I know who really killed Melanie Foster. You have arrested the wrong man." Matthew, yelling: "What the hell is this, Ma? Where are you?" Betty tells Caleb that she'll be right back, at which time she will expect some answers out of him. She rushes out of the dungeon, yelling to Matthew upstairs that she's coming, and hastily locks the door. We see that lock that Matthew installed is only partly engaged. The Desperate Housewives "danger is warming up on deck" music swells!
Upstairs, Matthew tears into Betty, yelling at her for writing such a terrible note. "What are you thinking?" he asks her once, he asks her twice. Betty insists that the police need to know the truth. Matthew: "The HELL they do! This is our chance!" Downstairs, Caleb shimmies and shakes the door open and then creeps up the stairs, so he's in prime eavesdropping position to hear Matthew say, "You want to do the right thing? Then call 911 and tell them you've got a killer locked up in the basement." Betty, sharply: "He is not a killer. He was confused. He didn't know what he was doing." Matthew tells her that Caleb knows a lot more than Betty gives him credit for. Betty says firmly that she's still going to mail the letter. Matthew: "If you do, you better hope to god they don't find us, 'cause they're not going to care how slow Caleb is; they'll just execute him." We see Caleb, on the darkened stairway, looking stricken. Slowly, he creeps back down to his dungeon and closes the door. Okaaaay, so Betty's been keeping a mentally damaged man -- her son I guess? -- drugged and (sometimes) manacled in her basement? That seems unusual, and cruel. Also, isn't whoever goes down to see Caleb going to notice that his door wasn't locked?
Speaking of unlocked doors! Susan arrives at Wally's front door and notices that his lock has been drilled out, so she pushes the door open and goes on inside. Wally's house is almost entirely devoid of furniture, very "Spartan chic." She yells out, and Wally trots in from the back of the house. He seems very alarmed to see her, and he rather abruptly demands to know why she's there. Susan tells him she came by to drop off her contract, and that she let herself in because his door was open. Susan walks back with Wally to a sort of ad hoc office space, which is pretty chaotic. Wally apologizes for how messy things are, saying something about how he's keeping all his stuff there while the new office space gets painted. Susan peeks in at the kitchen and notices that the counters are covered in lots of boxes, cans, and bottles. Clearly suspicious about all the chaos, Susan asks, "Where's Jeannie?" Wally says that Jeannie, his wife, is with the kids up in Minnesota, visiting her mom. Susan flicks a light switch and it doesn't work. Wally pretends to be all surprised that the electricity is turned off. Susan -- aware now that things are definitely amiss -- confronts Wally, asking him to tell her exactly how much financial trouble he's in. With an eye on Susan's contract, which is still in her hand, Wally lies that he's fine. Susan gives him a look, and he reveals that he did have to pay all those people back: "Restitution plus interest. It's not something I'd recommend. It sucks you dry."
Wally reaches out for Susan's contract, but she pulls it just out of reach. She says that she's going to ask him a question, and she wants him to tell her the truth: did he or did he not steal from Susan? Once again, Wally insists that he did not. Susan: "Please don't lie. Just tell me." Wally, yelling in that particular intense Wallace Shawn way: "Is that what you want to hear, do I have to say it so we can move on?" Susan, with a pained look on her face, nods a "yes." Wally, defeated: "Fine, I did it." Susan makes a strange mouse peep. Wally continues, "But yours was the first money I paid back so the slate's been wiped clean!" Susan struggles for a moment, and then finally the truth tumbles out: she just can't trust him anymore. They go back and forth -- Yes she can! No she can't! -- until he snatches the contract out of her hands and tries to run away. Susan makes a grab at him, screaming, "What are you doing? Are you trying to take me down with you?" Wally screams that he isn't going down, and then down they both fall, to the floor. Much awkward wrestling ensues, and Susan winds up straddling Wally. Wally: "Get off me, you Amazon!" Ha ha! Finally, Susan gets the contract away from him, and they both collapse, out of breath, still posed in their oddly sexual "woman on top" position. And scene.
The Lecherous Lawyer Bradley stops by the Solis house unannounced. Gabby apologizes for his catching her all "disgusting and sweaty" with her yoga-ing. The LLB: "I'm a criminal lawyer, I've seen worse." The LLB asks Gabby if they've found a new lawyer for "Mr. Charming." Gabby tells him that she doesn't want a different lawyer, she wants the LLB: "And so does Carlos, he just doesn't realize it yet." As they talk, the LLB rummages through Carlos's wine larder in the kitchen, making complimentary comments about Carlos's impressive taste in wine. He holds out a bottle of wine and asks Gabby for a corkscrew. Gabby puts the wine away, saying that this is a time not for wine, but for business. She wants him to convince Carlos that he needs the LLB. She suggests that the LLB tell Carlos that he's happily married or gay. LLB scoffs at both suggestions with a "yeah, right." Gabby: "You're a lawyer. You lie to juries all the time. Can't you just make something up?" The LLB informs her that he's past the point in his career where he has to beg for work. Gabby, grabbing the LLB by the shoulders: "Okay, [LLB]? I'm holding my marriage together by my fingernails. If Carlos serves his full sentence, I don't think we're going to make it. So please, I need you!" The LLB: "I'll say this much for Carlos: he's got excellent taste." Gabby pulls away. "In wine," LLB clarifies. The LLB agrees to come see Carlos with Gabby tomorrow, and he leaves, taking a bottle of Carlos's wine with him, and saucily telling Gabby to deduct it from his bill.
Susan and Wally are sitting on his floor. Wally tells her that it all started with "bad real estate investments." Hypocrite Susan tells him that "he should have just come clean." Wally: "Yeah, well. You tell one lie, the second one comes easy. Then you're making up new lies to cover up the old ones. Pretty soon you can't turn back, you know?" Susan, in fact, does know. She looks very forlorn. Wally: "When Jeannie finally caught on, she took the kids, she took the furniture. The bank locked me out of my own house. That's why I can't lose you as a client." Susan puts a comforting hand on his knee and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you have." Wally tells her he doesn't blame her, and he edges his pinky over so it's touching Susan's hand. The Desperate Housewives "inappropriate feelings" music starts to thrum. Susan tells Wally that she'll always be his friend, and she rubs his knee. He asks her if she really means it, and she cups his cheek in her hand and tells him that of course she means it. Their faces are very, very close right now, and Susan's radar should be on full red alert right now, though clearly she's totally oblivious to the kissing danger she's in. Wally says, "You're my Susie," and then he says it again, and then he leans in. Susan flutters and skitters, and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Wally explains that there's always been "this magnetism," which Susan denies with a guttural "Nooo." Susan runs out of the house, and Wally yells after her that he was "just coming clean!" Oh, Susan.
The Chicago police receive an anonymous note from someone claiming to have attacked Melanie Foster! Cop A turns his nose up at the letter, saying it's probably just another one of the dozens of crazies who've already written in to claim responsibility. And yet, Cop B points out, this one "knows about the ax." The Desperate Housewives "we may just have ourselves an ax murderer on our hands" music swells!
Bree, who's sadly back in black, waits for Rex's body at the morgue. She shivers and looks very sad. An orderly rolls in with the body bag, and Bree tells him there's a hearse right outside. The orderly makes some ridonkulous excuse about having to go back for some paperwork and leaves, never to return again. Bree stands there, alone with the body, and for an awful moment I was sure she was going to unzip the bag and take a look. But Bree seems satisfied talking to the sealed bag: "I'm here, sweetheart, and I'm going to take care of everything. But you knew that, didn't you? You've always known that you can count on me."
The guards bring a shackled Carlos into the prison visiting room. They undo his handcuffs, but Carlos remains standing with his arms still behind his back: he is less than happy to discover that Gabby has brought the Lecherous Lawyer Bradley along with her. Carlos crabbily asks what he's doing here, and the LLB tells Carlos that he has a "pitch" for him. Reluctantly, Carlos sits down, saying that at least it beats sitting in his cell. The LLB says that he senses Carlos's problem isn't with the LLB's lawyering; rather it's more "personal" in nature. Carlos tells him that he sensed right. The LLB clarifies the problem: "You want to know if I'm interested in sleeping with your wife." Gabby gives Carlos a steady look with a slight glimmer of "see how ridiculous you're being?" twinkling in her eyes. But then the LLB goes on: "And the answer is yes." Gabby looks totally astounded for a few beats, then she bursts into a very "Fran Drescher in The Nanny horse-whinny of a laugh. Gabby: "Carlos, he's kidding," she waves her hand at the LLB dismissively. And yet Carlos, he does not laugh. Gabby, whispering to the LLB: "Tell him you kidding." With his eyes never leaving the LLB's face, Carlos tells Gabby to "shut it." The LLB: "Now, clearly Gabrielle is willful, self-centered, and manipulative. She's also beautiful enough to be worth the trouble." Carlos takes this all in with his chin cocked in a very kingly, very all-knowing expression. The LLB goes on to say that the minute he leaves the jail, he's going to start pursuing Gabby with everything he's got. And when he succeeds, which he most surely will, he's going to fly Gabby to his chateau in France and feed her glorious foods. "We'll make love by the fire," he goes on, "and afterwards do a little midnight skiing. You ski," he turns to Gabby, "right?" Gabby just looks at him with her arms crossed and her mouth open in amazement. The LLB: "You're athletic, you'll learn" -- a comment that wins a solid "ha" from yours truly. The LLB, to Carlos: "Anyway. All of this only happens if you fire me. If you keep me on as your lawyer, your wife's off-limits. I'd get disbarred for sleeping with your wife, and nobody's worth that, not even her." With that, he leaves the room.
Gabby immediately starts apologizing, saying that clearly the LLB is insane. Carlos: "Oh, you just can't wait, can you?" Carlos tells her that the LLB is his lawyer now, and that there's nothing Gabby can do about it. Oh, well played, the LLB, well played. Though Carlos might want to have a little chat with some of the many wives whom the LLB has slept with without incurring any disbarment whatsoever.
Lynette is sitting in a booth at O'Donnell's with Bossy. Lynette looks 100% miserable. It looks smoky in there, and somehow I'm picking up a very "late in the evening" vibe. A man comes over to ask Bossy to dance, and Lynette takes the opportunity to bid her adieus, telling Bossy that this is the fifth night in a row Lynette hasn't been home to tuck in her kids. And yet? Bossy still won't let Lynette leave. Bossy: "It is Friday night, and you have all weekend to play with your kids." Bitchy Bossy! Bossy hands Lynette Bossy's purse and tells Lynette to watch it for her while she goes to dance.
While Lynette sits alone, a man saunters over and slides into the booth to her. With head wearily resting on fist, Lynette glares over at him. He introduces himself with a horrible "Heeeeey...I'm Chuck." Lynette: "Chuck? I'm going to stop you right there," and she flashes him her wedding ring. Chuck digs around in his pocket and comes up with a ring of his own, saying, "It looks like we have something in common." Lynette gives a disgusted "Ah!" and then goes back to sitting there with her head resting on her fist. Lynette: "Chuck, get your hand off my thigh." Then, a few seconds later. "No, not up my thigh, off." When he still doesn't get the message, she yells, "Come on! What's the matter with you? I'm not available. And I'm not that easy!" Chuck: "Then what are you doing in a pick-up bar at 10:30 at night?" Lynette tiredly, grumpily tells him she doesn't usually do this. Chuck: "Oh, come on, honey. Who you kidding? I've seen you here every night this week; you're a regular." He shakes his head and vacates the booth as Lynette watches him go with a look of dawning horror. MAVO: "At that moment, it occurred to Lynette that Chuck, though inebriated, had a valid point. The time had come to declare a war of independence."
Lynette heads to the bathroom and, in front of a luxurious full-length mirror the kind which they never seem to have in the dingy bars I go to, she unpins her hair, puts on some lipstick, and takes her shirt off so she's left with nothing but a sexy little vest, sexy little pants, and miles of taut midriff. MAVO says something about "shock and awe" and BAM! Lynette's tearing up the dance floor, shaking her moneymaker in very close proximity to Bossy's dancing partner. The song is "Boogie Shoes," which is a clear shout-out to the "Dear Louise" episode of Sports Night, in which Dana (also played by Felicity Huffman), hotly demonstrates her reputation for dancing to "Boogie Shoes" every time she gets more than half a margarita in her. Bossy notices Lynette dancing there, and suddenly she becomes overwhelmed with shyness and disappointment and stops dancing.
Cut to Lynette doing shots of tequila with the boys at the bar, while "Boogie Shoes" somehow still plays (she must work very, very fast). And then suddenly Lynette's climbing up on the bar and just gyrating, gyrating, gyrating. Wooooooo! The Bar! Is! Open! And to think Lynette got mad at Tom when he complained that work was so hard and then later it turned out that he'd been out boozing it up in a sombrero. As we all know, and as Lynette's clearly learning tonight, sometimes work does actually involve a whole lot of sweating, drinking, and ass-shaking. It's a dirty, dirty job! Bossy, who's sittling alone back in the booth, sadly looks on as this little impromptu scene from Fame continues to unfold. Finally Lynette comes back over and collapses against Bossy, asking her why she isn't dancing. MAVO: [Something-savoring-victory-something]. The music changes, and Lynette trills to Bossy: "Ooh! I love this song! Here, hold my purse." Lynette's back to the dance floor, and Bossy stays behind, hugging Lynette's purse to her chest like it's a long-lost teddy bear.
Lynette, Edie, Gabby, and Susan are all standing around Rex's open grave. I know the original time for the reburial was Friday morning, but since Operation Boogie Shoes went down on Friday night, I suppose Bree rescheduled the ceremony? For Saturday morning? That would explain why Lynette's able to be there, in which case I'm not sure why she's wearing business attire, if this is indeed Saturday? Oh, details, details. Meanwhile, Edie is wearing a crazy plunging black dress with leopard trim, which looks particularly dynamic with the crutches and the pink leg cast. Marry me, Edie! Bree arrives, and Susan tells her they were just starting to get worried, regarding her lateness. Bree, with the demonic sprightliness of a cruise director, explains that she was just taking care of some last-minute details; she asks them all to follow her.
Together, the girls march toward Rex's new gravesite. Susan asks why Bree's changing Rex's eternal address. Bree: "Well, he did something to upset me, and I want him gone." Bree manically changes the subject to the graves they're speed-walking past, some of which date back to the 1800s, which Bree finds "just fascinating." Lynette: "Wait, you're going to have to explain. Rex is dead. What could he have done to upset you?" Bree stops marching and turns to face the Housewives. Already, her face looks more nuts and out of control that I ever remember seeing it. And this is just the beginning! Bree starts in with, "My husband -- the man I spent my life with for eighteen years -- died thinking that I'd murdered him." She goes on to say how the cardiologist shared this "Bree murdered Rex" theory with Rex, and that Rex actually believed the man. Bree quotes the note, actually saying "and I quote" as she does so. Bree, close to tears, asks in a small voice how it was that the man she spent eighteen years with didn't know her. Edie, ever practical: "Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else." And this is when Bree really, really loses it. Her nostrils flare, her neck widens like a bull about to charge, and many, so many veins pop in her neck. It's a startling display of crazy, and no matter where I press pause during its delivery, I get a still shot that is truly, fundamentally, upside-down and inside-out B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Bree, yelling throatily and lustily: "I have done nothing to be forgiven for! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him! When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget! I cooked his meals! I mended his clothes! For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne! And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to 'understand' and 'forgive' me? Well the joke's on him, because I do not understand and I do not forgive." She delivers this scene so violently that her hair finally springs loose from its tight mooring, and by the time she winds down to silence, she looks completely unhinged, like Cruella De Vil, only angrier. Two yard guys have stopped their raking to watch the show, and Susan, in a birdlike voice, tells them "hi" and explains haltingly that they're "just...going to a funeral."
In a small, tearful voice, Bree says, "Right this way," and she turns and walks over to the new gravesite by the edge of the cemetery. The ladies exchange glances and then follow her. A backhoe has Rex's casket suspended over the hole. Bree motions to have it lowered, and Gabby asks Bree if she's sure she's not going to change her mind: "I mean, there's no turning back after this." Bree: "If you think I'm going to lay to someone for eternity who thinks I'm a murderer, you're crazy. As far as I'm concerned, let him decompose with strangers." With her eyes closed, she pulls off her wedding ring and throws it at the casket. I, too, wonder if there won't be some time in the future when Bree might wish she had that ring -- to hock, or to give to Danielle? Huh. Bree, it appears, has lost her marbles. But it sure is nice to see all the ladies there, especially Edie. I'm totally into the "frank and bitchy voice of reason" she's adding to the group, and I'd say she's finally achieved official Housewife status.
And here comes MAVO, ready to wrap things up with a neat little bow: "Everyone in the world needs someone they can depend on, be they faithful friends..." The ladies all walk alongside Bree as she leaves the cemetery. MAVO: "...determined advocates..." Lawyer Bradley goes over some paperwork with Carlos. MAVO: "...or a loving family." Lynette strolls up to her house, wearing her work clothes. It's daylight, so it looks like she got off work super-early. Mr. Mom Tom is waiting for her on the porch with their wildly under-developed youngest, Penny (who is supposed to be well past age one but looks to be maybe six months old here). MAVO: "But occasionally in life, the people we thought would always be there for us...leave." Wally sits at home, alone, munching a pizza, and while I know it's supposed to be a lonesome, pitiable scene, it falls short for me because the pizza looks so good that all I feel is envy for him. MAVO: "And if that happens, it's amazing the lengths we'll go to, to get them back." The camera floats past framed photos of Mary Alice and Zana until we get to a very scruffy-looking CreePaul, who picks up a sinisterly sharp letter-opener and...opens a letter!
: Bree has a sleepover date with George, gross!