By DeAnn Welker
Danny and Nick have a bonding moment, in which Nick briefly considers telling him he's not his real dad. But he doesn't. We do learn Danny's getting a job at the coffee shop, though, which is where John Barrowman starts hanging out. He tells Danny he's writing a book, and gives Danny the exact plot of his own life, but Danny's too dense to get it, and suggests he kill the woman who took his kid. When that doesn't work, Danny agrees taking the kid is a good idea. Man, if only Nick had told him so he might have figured this out.
While that mystery is (sort of) still lingering out there, another one is revealed, thanks to Lynette's sleuthing -- but not into the stranglings or anything. No, this is all about her soon-to-be Russian daughter-in-law, Irina. When a Russian bridal saleswoman helps Lynette figure out that Irina's up to something fishy, Lynette finds a kindred spirit in Immigration who looks into Irina's past. Turns out she truly is a gold-digger (the question again is: Why Preston? I mean, sure, he has a trust fund or whatever, but can't she find anyone with more money?), who's been married previously (and still is) and cleaned out some poor guy's bank account. She speaks threateningly to Lynette about it, but Preston hears it all and sends her along. This leads to a heartfelt scene between Lynette and Preston, in which she tells him it's okay if he hates her, because it was worth it to keep him from ruining his life. Irina drags her suitcase down the street when Eddie picks her up. He tries to hit on her, and when it doesn't work, he pulls over, kills her, and buries her. I still don't get what he had against Julie, or the girl in the coffee shop, but hopefully we'll learn that.
Yet another mystery heats up when Sam continues to cause tension between Bree and Andrew, to the point that she fires him. When he learns that she forgives Andrew and this is their pattern, he ruins her important meal for cookbook publishers and blames it on Andrew. Orson tips Bree off that Andrew isn't clever enough to do something like that, and she pieces it together. I'm still not sure what Sam's up to, but, boy, does he seem sinister.
Gaby, meanwhile, offers her eggs to Bob and Lee, who are so excited and thankful, since women keep backing out. Poor Lee can't take it anymore. When Gaby realizes she can't be part of the baby's life, she gets Carlos to tell the guys he doesn't approve, and Bob says he's okay with it, but it's clear he's not. Especially since he and Lee broke up over it. Lee just couldn't take anymore, and Bob's committed to having a baby. When Carlos wasn't helping Gaby get out of hot water, he was doing the same for Mike, whose truck has been repossessed. Turns out he's in deep debt, so bad that Susan's money from Karl's strip club can't help him. But Carlos asks how much he needs, and it appears he's going to get him out of this. Gee, I wonder if Susan will find out.
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Previously: Gaby found out Lee and Bob want to adopt a baby. Mike was emasculated. Irina threatened Lynette and moved up the wedding. Girls were strangled. Orson and Andrew investigated Sam. And John Barrowman showed up to torment Wisteria Lane. Now: Mary Alice Voices Over that good neighbors help us with lots of stuff: car troubles, out of sugar, finding lost pets. [A turtle? How far did it get? - Zach] But they also show up and eavesdrop, as Gaby does outside Lee and Bob's window as they fight. Bob catches her, but she pretends not to know he's annoyed and follows him inside. Bob tells her their egg donor backed out, but Lee's too picky to just choose another. Bob doesn't want to lose the surrogate, too, but Lee says maybe they're not supposed to do this. Gaby hastily offers up her eggs. Bob and Lee hug her, as MAVO says, "Bad neighbors are people who make promises they can't possibly keep." Title card.
MAVO tells us about a missing girl in the morning paper. Tom reads it. So does Bree. And Angie. Then Carlos. But he quickly recycles it, as MAVO says no one really paid attention to this bit of news. "No one thinks about evil until it shows up on their doorstep, which it soon would." Someone's hands put the article into a scrapbook of "People I Killed." Okay, it doesn't say that, but it might as well. Cut to Susan, who has one type of evil showing up on her doorstep: a "thief!" Or at least that's what she runs outside accusing him of. He tries to calm her down, saying it's a repossession of Mike's truck, but she screams "fire," and the whole neighborhood comes running. Which is great for Mike, who admits he's four months behind and it is, indeed, a repossession. Hey, at least everyone knows. The best part is that Lee comes running with a fire extinguisher, in a bathrobe and towel, shouting, "Stop, drop and roll!" And Angie calls 9-1-1. Inside, Mike and Susan discuss his macho pride and unwillingness to take her money or her ex-husband's money, since she has the money from Karl's strip club. He tells her he'll figure out how to run a plumbing business without a truck. She rolls her eyes. [That is frickin' ridiculous. They're married. Do other married couples rigidly separate their finances like this? - Z]
Bree and Sam come into the office all happy and in-sync after a meeting with a publisher. Andrew calls them "the dynamic duo," which they mostly ignore and instead fill him in on Bree's new book idea: a nouvelle Southern cookbook, with a boring marketing catchphrase by Sam. Andrew quickly segues into Sam not actually having his MBA, which Sam admits readily, and explains he's still finishing it since he had to drop out to go be with his dying mother. He offers her death certificate to Andrew to save him the investigating. Even arrogant Andrew looks sheepish at that one. When Sam apologizes for misrepresenting himself, Bree says everyone crosses over the line sometimes, and then she glares at Andrew.
Lynette's dress shopping with Irina at a Russian bridal shop, which was Irina's idea, but she hates the Russian woman working at the store. Lynette apologizes to the woman, who tells Lynette she's not losing a son, but "gaining a pain in the ass." They bond quickly, which is perfectly convenient for when Irina's phone rings, and Irina tells Lynette to answer it. It's an angry Russian man, so Lynette gives it to Irina. She scolds and yells, but won't tell Lynette what it was about. "If I wanted you to know, I would say it in English." When Irina goes back in the fitting room, the store clerk tells Lynette she can say it in English. See how well that bonding worked out for Lynette?
Also working retail is Danny Bolen, who's started his job at the coffeeshop. He serves a cappuccino to Patrick Logan, who John Barrowman plays perfectly creepy. He's all jovial about the novel he's working on, and tells Danny it started out as a love story but is getting kind of dark: This guy meets a girl and "basically creates her." Then one day, she disappears with another man and takes his baby. Danny says she sounds like a bitch, and Patrick agrees. Patrick says he's to the point where the guy who's looking for her tracks her down, but he's kind of stuck. Danny tells him he doesn't know the details, but since it's dark he thinks the guy would kill her. Patrick says that was his first instinct, too. Awww. What a wonderful father-son bonding moment. He's making Nick look like Father of the Year. And Nick had sex with the girl Danny liked, remember?
Gaby and Carlos argue about the whole eggs-for-Bob-and-Lee situation. He says no way in hell, since he owns half of anything that comes out of her uterus. He threatens to take her credit cards away, and she pretends not to care, but really she's just hidden them. Then he changes tactics, and begs her not to have her DNA living door. She says it's too late; her mind's made up. She wants Bob and Lee to have the same love and joy "that we occasionally have with our children." At an Immigration Office somewhere, Lynette's filling an extra from The Office in on Irina's phone call. He tells her a government agency can't investigate her future daughter-in-law just because she thinks she's not right for her son. Lynette leaves and finds an Immigration employee who hates her daughter-in-law, and gives her an earful instead.
Susan catches MJ filling up the sink with mud, because "Daddy needs work." She says he only gets paid when other people have plumbing problems, though. He asks if he should do this to someone else's sink, and she says that would be wrong. But then a light bulb goes off over her head. Soon she's paying Bree to clog her drain, Lynette to break her toilet, Angie to break her garbage disposal, and Bree to fill her bathtub with potting soil. She gives them the money to pay Mike for his work. [Except she does the damage that day, and tells most of them not to call until later in the week, so now they're all screwed. - Z] At Bree's office, she gets off the phone and tells Sam they have to prepare a dinner for the publishing sales team, who feel Southern cookbooks are a tad overdone. She says they have to really impress them, and Sam's ready and willing to help, but first he has something to share about Andrew that he found while auditing the books. Cut to Bree lecturing Andrew for overcharging clients by an extra case of vodka here or a case of wine there. She tells him it's stealing, but he turns it around to ask if she can't see the type of person Sam is. She says he's the type of person who left college to help his dying mother, and Andrew's the type who steals from clients. Andrew storms out and she follows him. He asks how stupid Bree can be, letting Sam manipulate her, and then says if he's the problem, Bree should just fire him. She tells him she's tempted, so he shouldn't push her. Andrew barely -- but very deliberately -- pushes her shoulder, and she fires him. When she goes inside, Andrew sees Sam's upstairs watching it all with a smirk. The villains are never obvious at all on this show, are they?
Lynette calls Tom, who's teaching Parker to drive, to ask him how long Irina and Preston will be away from the house. She tells him she's stealing Irina's passport number to initiate a background search with her new best friend at Immigration. She finds the passport, but while she's writing down the number, Irina and Preston come in, all giggly. She can't get out in time, so she hides behind the open closet door and watches and listens as Irina seduces Preston. She texts Tom to get home now, and he tells Parker to pull over so he can get home fast. Parker: "I can go fast." Lynette, totally disgusted, picks up a baseball and throws it through the window just as Tom and Parker pull up. It nearly hits Tom as he gets out of the car. When Preston and Irina look out the window, Lynette slips out.
Bree's cooking her sample dinner, which is something drizzled in sherry, with only Sam as company. He tells her how amazing it is that she's so focused on this dinner considering everything with Andrew. She tells him it's not a big deal: It's her pattern with Andrew. They fight, and he will eventually come back to work for her, because he's her son. It's clear Sam's not happy about this. You know who else isn't happy? Mike, when he comes home and tells Susan he found her earring in Gaby's drain. First she tries to lie (badly), then she offers sex, then really dirty sex, but nothing's working. He tells her they need to give the money back to all her friends, but she finally admits she paid for it all. He's humiliated, but she points out the truck repossession actually clued everyone in on his financial problems. She says he should let her make a few payments on his truck, but he says it's his problem. She thinks if he can't let her help, maybe there's something wrong with their marriage. To prove that's not it, he goes to sleep on the couch. Because we all know that only happens in the best marriages.
Angie comes home at night, to an empty house, and hears a noise. She wanders around and it's sufficiently creepy that I start to wonder if I locked my doors. She picks up a vase (um, doesn't she have, like, a million guns?) to bash whoever's face in when the phone rings. It's Nick, who's on his way home. She tells him she's sort of spooked, and asks him to hurry home. When she hangs up, we see Patrick's watching her from outside the window. The day (I guess), Bob and Lee are toasting Gaby for being such a good friend. They all start to drink, but they won't let Gaby -- both for fertility reasons and because she's a sloppy drunk. She asks them about babies, and they tell her they want a girl to put in baby beauty pageants. She says she hopes "we" have a boy and she's sick of buying dresses. Bob sits down and tells her they'll be moving near Lee's family in upstate New York, but they'll come to visit. She says, "It just never occurred to me you guys would leave and take my only son." Bob tells her the child will have her genes, but it won't be hers, and she looks heartbroken. It's ridiculous, but Eva Longoria Parker's so good that I actually buy it. Then she smiles halfheartedly and pretends she gets it. She heads home and gets all emotional to her family about seeing Juanita's face every day.
At her cookbook dinner, Bruce drags Bree out of the kitchen and asks her to drink, but she won't because... you know, the alcoholism. Bruce tells her he really put his neck on the line for this, because no one likes the idea. She promises him they'll love the food, and he says they'd better, or she won't be publishing another book of any kind. Back in the kitchen, Sam tastes the food and practically gags. He smells the sherry and when Bree comes back, he shows her it's vinegar. She tastes at least three plates of food, and they're all... ruined! She tells the waiter to go get the plates they've already taken out, then she wonders who could have changed the sherry for vinegar. Sam asks if she gave Andrew's keys to anyone after she fired him, but he never returned his keys. Sam: "Oh, Bree." The waiter comes back and says they won't give back the food, so Bree uses a crème Brule torch to set off the sprinklers in the whole place. Then she comes in screaming, "We're serving cobbler in the parking lot!"
Later, Bree's depressed, so Orson makes her real hot chocolate. He asks if that isn't worth a smile. She tells him her son tried to ruin her career, so she doesn't think she'll ever smile again. He doesn't think Andrew had anything to do with it, since too much planning went into it. He tells her to think about it: The sherry had to be substituted after she'd planned the recipe and sampled it, but before the event. AND it had to be an ingredient she wouldn't sample. He tells her, "Come on, Andrew's not clever enough to pull that off. He can't even steal a case of wine without getting caught." She asks who did it, and he says it would have to be someone smart enough to get an MBA. She asks why Sam would want to hurt her, and Orson says Andrew's the one taking this fall. She wonders what he stands to gain, and Orson says, "Hmm. What a good question. Enjoy your chocolate." And wheels away, letting her think.
In a garage, Mike tells us (and someone standing on our side of the camera) about how he's so deep in debt that he can't tell Susan. He says Karl's money wouldn't begin to cover the bills, and he doesn't think she'd ever love him if she knew. Camera pans to Carlos who asks how much Mike needs. Man, THAT is a good friend. Danny's working at the coffeeshop later when Patrick comes in again. Danny thought he'd left town, but he says he won't until he finishes his book. Danny asks if he killed the woman, and Patrick says he tried to write it that way, but it seemed too easy. He says he has a better idea: Since the worst thing she did was to take the kid, the best revenge is to take something from her. Danny asks what he could take that's as bad, and then it dawns on him: the kid. "He's gonna take the kid, right?" Man, that Danny is dense.
Gaby finds Bob sitting alone on his porch, drinking. She asks if Carlos talked to him, and he did. She apologizes that Carlos didn't want her to do it, but she guesses he does have a say. Bob replies blankly that it's understandable, since it was a lot to ask. She asks where Lee is, and Bob says he left, since they got in another fight after Carlos left. And they broke up. Basically, Bob wants a child, but Lee can't go through it again. Gaby asks if there's anything she can do, and Bob gives her a glare. Then he again tells her it was a lot to ask, and it's okay, but it's very clear that it's not. She leaves him there alone.
Wedding day! Preston can't find his shoe, but Tom tells him to hurry, since it's almost time for the wedding. Eddie's there and says something stupid about wearing sneakers. Tom finds Lynette and asks where the shoe is. Lynette put it in the oven, because the woman at Immigration never called her back, and she's screwed. So she wanted a few minutes before telling him she isn't going to the wedding. She says she won't be a hypocrite, but Tom says if Lynette thinks Irina has power now, just wait until she doesn't go to his wedding. Lynette wishes she went to church more, since she could use a favor from God. The Immigration lady pulls up, and Lynette looks up, saying, "See you Sunday morning." Then she finds Irina looking bridely, and tells her she looks beautiful, and must have looked pretty the first time, too, when she got married to someone in Russia. And she's not divorced, either. Irina says Alexei never worked and treated her badly, and he won't sign the divorce papers. Lynette says that explains him, but what about the guy in Italy, who pressed charges after she cleaned out his bank account. She says he was a pig and she earned every penny. Lynette says there's a term in America for women who get paid for sex, and it's not "daughter-in-law." Irina gets all threatening as she walks toward Lynette and says that her opinion doesn't matter, because Preston's is the only one that does, and if Lynette gives him her file, she'll explain it all away and he'll believe every word. "He always does." But Preston's standing the doorway, and asks Lynette to leave, so he can talk to Irina. She leaves, but he takes the file from her on her way out.
Lynette finds Preston sulking in his room later, and tells him Tom told her he called off the wedding, and she thinks that was the right thing. He doesn't even look at her. She cries that she knows he hates her, and she's okay with that. She goes to leave, but comes back to tell him that she loves him so much she'd rather have him resent her or cut her off completely than allow him to make a mistake that can ruin his life. She tells him to go ahead and hate him for as long as he wants, but she'll be here waiting when he's done. He cries and she cries as she walks over and kisses him on the head. He still doesn't even look at her as she leaves, telling him not to take too long, because she misses him already. On the street, Irina's walking with her suitcase to a hotel when Eddie stops and offers her a ride. He makes small talk in the car, saying it's Preston's loss. Then he says she could save money by staying at his place instead, but she doesn't think so. He says there won't be any funny business, unless she wants some. He tells her it will help her get over Preston, and he has no problem letting her use him. She says he's a little out of his league, don't you think? "I mean, I didn't come to America to end up with some greasy-haired little boy." His faces changes from goofy to angry as he jerks the car off the road. She asks what he's doing, and then he turns to her with crazy eyes and we hear a struggle as the camera gives us a long shot of the car.
Then we see a shovel dig into dirt and Irina's dead body lying to the hole being dug as Mary Alice picks back up: "We all know that evil exists. The newspapers are filled with stories about young girls who suddenly vanish." The day's newspaper arrives on all the Wisteria doorsteps as MAVO says we don't pay attention, "because we're worried about our marriages." Susan picks up her paper and watches Mike leave in his truck. "Concerned about our friendships." Gaby picks hers up and looks at Bob, who looks away. "Anxious about our employees." Bree reads hers as she looks up at a smiling Sam. Lynette comes out to get hers. MAVO: "Yes, we don't pay attention to evil because we think it will never come to our house." Eddie arrives and says hi to Lynette, who smiles sweetly. MAVO: "But it does. And sometimes, we let it in." Lynette lets Eddie in, but he looks behind him creepily before entering.
week: Lynette knows something bad is happening. Eddie's apparently connected with all of the women in some way: handyman, art student, pedicurist?
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, now sees they've been sort of planting the Eddie seed all season, but still finds it disappointing. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.