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Recapped by Evany · Aired 05-06-2006

Hoping to unearth just cause for firing Tom, Ed brings in a forensic accountant to go over Tom's expense reports. Tom -- who clearly has something to hide -- punches out Ed in hopes of getting fired, before the accountant digs up anything on him. But despite Tom's fisticuff distraction, the accountant still discovers that Tom's been jetting off to Atlantic City and buying flowers and a pair of tickets to a show. (What kind of idiot submits receipts like that for reimbursement? While working at the same company as his wife? An idiot named Tom, it turns out.) Ed tells Lynette about the suggestive expenses, and Lynette passively confronts Tom with some side-windy Qs ("You know you can tell me anything, right?"), but Tom admits to nothing. Andrew discovers that Hempy is a sex addict, so he convinces Danielle to make a pass at him during a family dinner. Later, when Andrew tries to get Danielle to actually sleep with Hempy, she refuses on grounds of total grossness. Industrious Andrew decides to take the job on himself. When Bree finds Andrew and Hempy in a compromised position, she becomes "upset" and drives Andrew to a remote gas station and leaves him there. Caleb is a third of the way through his poisoned ice cream, when he (duh) lets it slip that Matthew told him Danielle wanted him to kiss her. Betty is "upset," so she lets Caleb live and locks Matthew in the dungeon. Edie's PI discovers that Susan is Karl's other woman. Susan tries to buy his silence, but she can't afford the $2k+ price tag. Since it's going to come out anyway, Susan writes Edie a tell-all letter and for some reason puts it in the mail (versus walking the six Earth inches over to Edie's mailbox). But then! Mike informs Susan that he paid off the PI on her behalf. (Mike, it appears, likes Susan again, and vice versa.) Desperate to retrieve the letter before it gets delivered to Edie, Susan is forced to go through a whole painful scene with the mailman, involving a gallon of iced tea and a confused mailman thinking Susan wants to have sex with him. But Susan's maneuverings are all for naught: the letter gets delivered anyway. Edie is very "upset" by the news of Susan's betrayal, and she burns down Susan's house. Gaby, who appears to be totally over the whole baby Lily thing (she is a very, very fast healer), discovers that Xiao Mei the Money is in danger of being deported. Luckily there's a loophole: Money can avoid getting sent back to China if she has an American baby in her baby hole. So why not have Money act as a surrogate for Gaby and Carlos? Total win-win! Money is reluctant to get knocked up, what with wanting to preserve her virginity, until Gaby convinces her that rich, American men love "experienced" women. Not at all surprisingly, Money becomes confused about the impregnation process and presents her naked self to Carlos, and Carlos? Isn't really all that "upset" about the mix up.

Previously: all the stuff that went down last week, plus remember how Andrew swore he was going to rock Bree's world?

This week's MAVO flashback feature is all about "Oliver PI Weston," the Jim Carrey lookalike (played by John Mariano, who appears to have done every character that ever was in his scroller of a career, including the Generic Male Dark Elf Merchant in EverQuest II), Edie hired to privately investigate Karl. Oliver PI, it appears, is a cynic when it comes to love, what with all the lying and cheating and low-down-dirty-shaming he's witnessed in his line of work. We see flashbacks of Oliver PI hiding in bushes and trees as he snaps incriminating pics of: first, an office man tongue-kissing his secretary; then a housewife laying down some serious brown with a package delivery man; then a "girl door" menage-à-cheating with a couple.

Back in the now, Oliver PI is holed up in Mike's bushes, literally, and he's got a camera in one hand and one of those eavesdropping guns in the other. Today, he's got his sights trained on Susan and Karl, who are talking it up over in Susan's garage. Just then, Oliver PI's viewfinder fills with a big, blue fuzzy something. (Which brings to mind this tenuous tangent: recently, my boyfriend and I were at a high-school production of Cats (I know), and about halfway through the first act, Marco decided that he and his camera needed to move in for a closer view, so he inched his way up the center aisle. Suddenly, a pride of Cats splintered off from the main group and just shattered the fourth wall. They started dancing their way out into the audience, but Marco was so busy snapping that he didn't notice. Finally, something startled him, and he looked up to discover that he was blocking, like, ten cats from rejoining the stage. He slunk back to his chair, and I pretended not to know him. Later, he described his point of view of the event thusly: "It was like I was Luke Skywalker on Tatooine, looking for 3PO and R2 through my space binoculars, and all of a sudden that Tusken Raider blurred my entire whole view! Only this time, it was a Cats!") Similarly startled, Oliver PI lowers his camera to find Mike standing just a few inches away. Mike starts manhandling Oliver PI, demanding to what he's up to. Oliver PI readily admits that he's been hired by Edie to find out whom Karl's been getting with, and the PI is pleased to report that he's just discovered who it is. Oliver PI looks meaningfully over at Susan. Mike scoffs. Karl and Susan aren't sleeping together! Why, the only reason they're talking at all is because they share a kid in common. Oliver PI, lecherously: "From what I heard, they're on the way to kid number two." Mike protests. Oliver PI: "You don't know these soccer moms like I do. By day, they bake cookies and carpool, but dim the lights, and bam, they turn into total pigs." He finishes up this deep life lesson with a hog-inspired squeal. Mike resists. Oliver PI: "Look at [Susan]. Clearly she knows her way around a mattress." Susan, by the way, is wearing a nutso outfit today -- some sort of teal green long underwear top streaked with bleach stains and...what are those, skintight hunting pants from Cabela's? So Mike punches Oliver PI, and Oliver PI goes sprawling. MAVO, with her usual twinkle: "Yes, Oliver PI Weston had become a cynic. Which is why he couldn't recognize a man who was still in love." As they would say at Mill Valley Middle School: Duh-weiner schnitzel!

Ugh: short-short title sequence. Go get yourself some beef jerky and a canteen because it's going to be a long night.

According to MAVO, every family has its little secrets. Some families cover wall stains with artwork; some families shut their "chaos" inside closets. And some families (we pan past a mom-son-son photo of the Applewrongs) hide their secrets behind forced smiles: "Every family goes to great lengths to hide ugly truths." Really? Much as every family has access to industrial-sized bottles of Phenobarbital? MAVO: "Some, of course, go further than others." Betty takes a pint of ice cream out of the freezer, scoops it out into a mixing bowl, and pours in a healthy splash of Phenobarbital. Matthew asks if they're going to do "this" (meaning putting Caleb to sleep) right now? No, the ice cream is for the big picnic that Caleb and Betty are going on tomorrow up at Rockwater Lake. Ooh, is that the same lake in which CreePaul plunked Deirdre's remains and Edie sprinkled Mrs. Huber's ashes? Oh, it isn't; that was Torch Lake. Heads-up, people who still care about the mystery of Fairview's geographical location: the town apparently features multiple lakes, full of human remains. Betty is preparing all Caleb's favorite foods for tomorrow's picnic. Matthew rather creepily asks if Betty's "just going to leave him lying there" after the deed is done. No, the plan is that Betty's going to "call 911 anonymously," then retreat to some vantage point and watch to make sure that someone comes for Caleb's body. At the start of her description of the game plan, she was all business, but by the end of it, she's in tears. (Alfre Woodard, will you be my best friend? And then we can both wear skirts tomorrow!) Matthew rather lamely tries to convince Betty that Calebocide isn't really necessary, but Betty declares that she isn't going to allow Caleb to hurt anyone else, nor will she let him go to a place where people will "mock and abuse him." I'm wasn't aware that mental facilities still used the "mock and abuse" method.

Edie, Susan, Bree, and Lynette are over at Gabby's, and they're surrounded by an ocean of food; the people from Carlos's church all dropped by to comfort a grieving Gabby over last week's loss of baby Lily. Gabby, it must be noted, is not at all in the same terrible state she was when they repossessed Lily; she isn't even in the same country. She's relaxed -- maybe a touch melancholy, but not nearly as distraught as I'd expect her to be after last week's nuclear meltdown. Lynette asks if they're going to try again to adopt, but Gabby thinks she couldn't go through it again. She mentions the surrogacy thing, but she seems doubtful. Bree urges her to eat, but Gabby has no hunger. Gabby urges the ladies to take some of the food with them, and they all politely decline -- except Edie, who pounces on the offer and immediately grabs a pie. The ladies stare and stare. Edie: "What? Karl dumped me, so I'm alone. Food fills the void?" Xiao Mei the Money, wearing a full traditional maid uniform, is dishing up food in the back of the kitchen and sobbing quietly. At first, Gabby blames the maid's tears on missing Lily: "Xiao Mei, I appreciate your grief," Gabby says snottily, "but really, you're bringing everybody down. Will you pull it together?" In my opinion, Gabby could well deserve to be brought down, what with LOSING HER BABY. But it turns out that Money isn't even upset about Lily: her sadness is over the U.S. government and its desire to send her back to China. Money shows Gabby a whole stack of letters from Immigration and Customs Enforcement. And now, faced with the potential loss of her miracle maid, Gabby finally looks devastated. Money hic-cries that she can't go back to China because her uncle will sell her into slavery again. Gabby promises that she and Carlos will fix everything, and Money hugs her gratefully. Gabby lets the hug settle for a few beats; then she pats Money's back dismissively and brusquely tells her to pack up all this food for the ladies to take. Oh, and also? They're low on coffee.

At home, Lynette unfoils a huge casserole dish of macaroni and cheese, cheese, cheese. Tom is suspicious: Lynette never lets him eat fattening food like that. Lynette coos that, what with his hard work and many business trips, he deserves to throw "caution and cholesterol to the wind." Somehow, I find the idea of Lynette being a mean gatekeeper between Tom and macaroni and cheese pretty depressing and maybe unhealthy, marriage-wise. Lynette kisses him warmly on the head, and Tom looks even more suspicious. Tom, panicked: "Oh no, you're pregnant!" Ha. Lynette: "God, your mind goes to dark places." Ha! No, the real reason Lynette is being so nice is because she's softening Tom up for the bad news that Ed's gunning to fire him. Tom is furious to discover that he is "expendable." Lynette admits that it's "ridiculous," but since "a whipped husband is someone [she and Tom] must take seriously," she asks him to try to keep his nose clean and avoid giving Ed anything that remotely resembles "just cause" until things blow over -- you know, come in on time, put his all into his pitches, skip the "three-martini lunches," that sort of thing. Tom pouts about being "victimized." Lynette: "Well, honey, in all fairness, those are all things you should be doing anyway." "Fine!" Tom crabs. Then he grabs the bottle of wine and his cheesy pile of pasta and stomps away from the kitchen.

Bree and the kids are busy getting down to their own dinner. Bree brightly says that Hempy is going to come over for dinner the following evening, and would Andrew maybe like to invite Justin to come, too? Danielle wants to bring Matthew, but Bree puts her foot down. Danielle: "Let me get this straight: you can date a lush, and he can bring over his gay lover, but god forbid I date a hot black guy?" Whee! No, it's just that Bree doesn't want Danielle near the Applewrongs until Caleb gets sent away. Andrew: "His brother tried to rape you; his mother keeps a guy locked up in a basement. I mean, let's face it, Danielle: even you could do better." Ha! Danielle stares at Andrew suspiciously and asks him what is the deal with him taking Bree's side all of a sudden? Bree explains that she and Andrew have come to an understanding. Danielle: "Really? even after she screwed you out of your trust fund?" Wait, did Andrew ever actually discover that Bree was directly to blame for getting his trust fund yoinked? Bree: "Well, he did falsely accuse me of child abuse." She smiles a syrupy smile. "I would say we're even, wouldn't you?" Andrew somewhat nicely agrees that they are. When Bree heads back into the kitchen, Danielle hisses at Andrew that he can drop the act: she knows his hatred for Bree still burns bright. With over-sincerity, Andrew tells Danielle that he and Bree are "in a good place right now." Danielle looks at him like she smells something rank.

By Evany

Nighttime at Mike's. Susan knocks at the door: Mike's invited her over for a little confrontation with Oliver PI. Mike introduces Susan to the PI, explaining that the man is in the employ of the heartbroken Edie. Susan looks suitably nervous. Mike tells her that Oliver PI suspects Susan of being Karl's other woman. Susan hems, haws. Oliver PI presses play on a mini tape cassette recorder that's sitting there on the table, and the smarmy voice of Karl can be heard saying, "C'mon, Suze, you know we're meant to be together." And then there's Susan, telling Karl, "Just stop." Susan lies that what they were hearing there was just "Karl being nostalgic." Mike is disappointed. The tape continues, and we hear Karl say, "You said yourself the sex last week was the best you've ever had." Susan immediately downshifts into damage control, rushing first and foremost to explain that, actually, the sex with Karl was not the best she's ever had. In a pleading whisper, she tells Mike, "Obviously, you were the best I've ever had." Oliver PI, with dawning understanding: "That explains the punch in the face." Mike, disgustedly: "You were actually fooling around with Karl behind Edie's back?" Susan rushes to explain the whole thing about how Karl had lied to her about being single, but Mike has had it. Oliver PI interrupts to ask if he can leave now, and Mike invites Susan to leave right along with the PI. Susan is agonized. She rushes to catch up with Oliver PI, and then offers to pay him double whatever Edie's paying for him to not tell Edie about the sexing of Karl. When she hears that Edie's actually paying him $2k, plus expenses, Susan is aghast: "Jeez, I gotta get into real estate." Susan admits to having insufficient funds. Oliver PI waves the tape player in front of her and says that he guesses he'll be handing it over to Edie. Susan makes a comically enthusiastic grab for it and takes off running. Oliver PI, yelling after her: "I have a copy." Dejected Susan returns the tape player to Oliver PI, and then tries a new tactic: this time, she plays on his sympathies, explaining that this news will be like a "nuclear explosion; lives are going to be ruined." Oliver PI agrees to "hold off till Monday," time enough for her to marshal some funds. Susan, worriedly (and, she hopes, winningly): "What if I can't?" Oliver PI mimes a "nuclear explosion" with his hands.

Later, Andrew sits out in front of the house, waiting for Danielle to get home from school. She asks him what he's so happy about, and she gives his head a sisterly shove. Andrew: "You know how you were mad at Mom for not letting Matt come to dinner? I just figured out the funniest way for you to get back at her."

Ed rushes into the conference room and informs Tom that he doesn't have time for the full Boston Toy Company pitch, a pitch that Tom has clearly spent hours and hours preparing. Ed tells him, "Just give me the gist." Tom is thrown, but he recovers quickly: "Okay, basically, it's 'toys are fun.'" Ed, without hesitating: "I hate it." Ed stands to leave, and tells Tom that he'll be needing to take over the account. Tom starts to complain, but Lynette holds him back. Ed then informs them all that he's hired a forensic accountant to come in and take a look at everyone's expense reports. And if the guy finds "one receipt, one bar tab that's fishy? That's grounds for dismissal." Oh and the guy is starting with Tom's reports.

Later, in Lynette's office, Lynette marvels at "that son of a bitch" Ed and his forensic accountant: "He's more whipped than I thought." Lynette tries to comfort Tom by saying that Ed has "tragically underestimated" Team Scavo, and now the "gloves are coming off." Tom suggests that maybe he should just quit, arguing that, really, it's just a matter of time before Ed finds a way to make it happen. Lynette refuses to let Tom back down. She says she's going to go in to Ed's office right this second and tell the boss that if Tom goes, Lynette goes. Oh, good! After last week, I was worried that Lynette was going to align herself with Ed on this one and help him squeeze Tom out. Tom, super-earnestly: "We can't both be unemployed." Lynette doesn't think Ed would ever actually do it: "He knows this place would go down like a house of cards without me." Lynette turns to leave, and Tom leaps after her. As a last-ditch argument, he says that it'll look like he's hiding behind Lynette. Tom convinces Lynette that he needs to talk to Ed "man to man." Lynette steps aside, and Tom marches into Ed's office. Through the glass walls (what a nightmare, an office with glass for walls: nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, nowhere to nap), Lynette watches Tom march in to Ed's office. The two men exchange maybe three sentences, and then Tom takes a huge swing at Ed, and Ed falls backwards over his desk, ass over ass. Lynette gasps and races out to the hallway to ask Tom what the hay just happened? Tom, shaking his hurt puncher: "I think I just gave him just cause."

Susan pulls a piece of nice parchment paper and a matching envelope from her art-supply shelves (which also hold a basket full of vintage dolls, a photo of Julie and Susan together, and a miniature lawn-cow statue). Remember how Susan is an illustrator? I know, it's to keep track of; her career does seem to have fallen by the wayside, what with all the boyfriends, husbands, gay almost-husbands, and wandering-spleen hijinx. As Susan starts writing her letter to Edie, MAVO explains Susan's motivation: basically, since Susan couldn't afford to pay off Oliver PI, she thinks that, at the very least, it'll go better if Edie hears the bad news from Susan herself. Nice gesture, Susan, only I'm pretty sure Edie is going to lose it no matter how the news gets to her, especially in light of the now-tainted budding Susan-Edie friendship from last week.

Later, with the finished letter in her hand, Susan walks over to the USPS box and drops the letter in. Why use a mailbox when Edie's house right there? I don't rightly know. In any case, MAVO tells us that, the moment the letter dropped, Susan knew "she was a dead woman."

Out at Fairview's second-most favorite spot for disposing of unwanted persons, Caleb is digging in to his poisoned ice cream as Betty watches. Betty, with barely controlled grief, tells Caleb, "Since the day you were born, I've always thought of you as a blessing. You do know that, right?" Caleb guesses he knows, all right, but he's more interested in his ice cream and the puzzling absence of Matthew. He asks Betty if his brother is mad at him, re: Danielle, but Betty assures him that Matthew knows that Caleb "didn't mean to scare her." Slowly, a tear trickles down Betty's cheek. Then Caleb says, "Because [Matthew] said it was okay for me to kiss her." Betty is all, "Excuse me?" Caleb: "He said Danielle liked me and she would not fight me if I tried to give her a kiss." And really, who didn't see that coming? That truly was one of the dumber setups -- Matthew might have at least asked Caleb to keep mum about the sex tip in a nod to the potential for this kind of slip. Betty grabs Caleb's poisoned-ice-cream-eating arm and stops it mid-shovel. And the "Oops it looks like the other brother is the psycho in this family" music thrums!

Money is lying in her bed, still crying over how badly she doesn't want to be an oven. Gabby comes in bearing a cup of hot cocoa as a peace offering. She apologizes for springing the whole "let me put my baby in your baby cave!" proposition on Money; it's just that she and Carlos think of Money as "family." Money eagerly agrees with the assessment, saying that Gabby is "like mother to [her]." Gabby pride is clearly wounded by this allusion to her agedness, but she soldiers on: "Well, if we are so freaking close, what's the big deal? It's nine months out of your life." Finally, Money comes clean: she's worried that she will be "ruined"...you know, "down there"? Finally, Gabby puts it together that Money is a virgin, and is worried that no man will marry her if he discovers she's not that innocent. You'd think this would be a good time for Gabby to point out that the planting of the egg and seed would involve no actual sexing, but instead, she tells Money that nice, rich husbands want a woman who's experienced (especially since virginity "went out of style in the '50s, and...it ain't making a comeback"). Thank god that whole confusion is all cleared up!

Lynette comes in and sullenly hands Ed the "numbers [he] wanted." She turns to go, but Ed asks her to stay, and to "close the door," which is office shorthand for bad, bad news. Lynette: "You sure? I might punch you, too." Ed, who is the most un-goofy he's ever been on this show, tells her he'll "take [his] chances." Lynette immediately gets up on her soapbox, about how maybe Tom shouldn't have hit Ed, but he was provoked; it isn't fair that Tom has to suffer for Ed's "screwed-up marriage": "It is pathetic, Ed. If you had stood up to your wife..." Ed chuckles to himself, and Lynette interrupts her own tirade to ask what's so funny? Ed is merely amused by the irony of Lynette's lecturing Ed on the state of his marriage, considering that the forensic accountant discovered that Tom has been sneaking off on side trips to Atlantic City, that he's been buying tickets for two to shows, and that he's also been buying flowers. Tom is an idiot. Submitting damning evidence like that for reimbursement is edgy enough on its own, but it's beyond stupid to do so when you're working at the same company as your wife. Though maybe, like many sinners, Tom secretly wants to get caught? Lynette is shaken, and she slowly sinks back into her chair. Ed: "Before you pass judgment on someone else's marriage, I'd clean up my own house, first." What a dick! And yet, how nice to for once see Ed performing at an age-level above seven.

Hempy, Andrew, Bree, and Justin are all sitting at the dinner table, but Danielle is still upstairs getting ready. Hempy nicely says that he hopes she isn't getting herself too dolled up, since he really just wants everyone to be "comfortable." Unfortunately, "dolled up" is exactly what Danielle's been busy getting. She comes down from her room and strikes a pose in the dining-room entryway; her hair's all sultry and loose and sexily in her eyes, and she's wearing a weird flesh-colored gown. The dress has spaghetti straps and an empire waist, which is trimmed with a satin ribbon and a rhinestone brooch: very "competitive ice dance." She is, how do you say, overdressed for this casual family dinner. There is also no doubt, now, as to what Andrew has talked Danielle into doing: the siblings Van de Kamp are trying to lure Sex Addict Hempy off the wagon, and Danielle is the underaged cheese they're hoping will tempt him into the trap.

What follows is a very squeamish scene -- one I didn't really see the first time through, what with my head being so, so deeply buried in my hands. Danielle sits down to Hempy, and they all dig in to the "frittata." Hempy immediately starts choking on some salsa, which he suggests is maybe too spicy. So wait, this meal consists of frittata and chips and salsa? That is kind of a weird meal! Also weird: Danielle turns to Hempy and says, "I always say the hotter the better." She crunches down on a chip. The way she so clearly is trying for sexy, but is still so clearly too young for a comment like that (which would only make sense coming out of Mae West's mouth), it is so, so cringe-tastic. Andrew brightly steers conversation to Perkins College, which is where Hempy went to school. Hempy -- who is obviously thrown by the whole Danielle thing -- struggles to switch gears, but he manages to put together an answer about how he may have attended Perkins, but he went to more parties than classes. He and Bree chuckle over this bon mot. Bree: "Isn't this wonderful! Good food, pleasant conversation." She puts her hand on Hempy's knee. "This really is a very special night." Ugh, Bree looks so happy! And this scene is so not going to end well! Danielle: "I feel the same way." She slides her hand onto Hempy's other leg. Ew, ew, ew, get it off me! Hempy slowly, slowly turns his head and looks at Danielle. Andrew: "So, Peter! Is it growing?" Hempy: "?!?" Andrew: "The campus. Has it grown at all since you've been there?" Hempy: "Ah, yeah, it's grown...considerably." He glances furtively at Danielle's rack. Evany: [Runs for the hills.] Danielle continues to stroke Hempy's knees, and Hempy mutters something about college brochures. Then he abruptly stands up, babbles something about a forgotten appointment with an AA person he's sponsoring, and darts off. Bree, disappointed: "It's a shame; I really wanted him to have a chance to get to know you guys." Danielle: "Don't worry. I think we made an impression." Ick.

By Evany

Gabby is dressed and about to head out the door when a yawning, robed Carlos stumbles down from upstairs. Gabby exasperatedly asks him what he's playing at: today is fertility clinic day! Why isn't he ready? With an "aw shoot, is that today?," he turns and runs back up the stairs. Gabby yells after him to "give Xiao Mei a kick in the pants," too.

A few minutes later, Carlos is dressed and washing his hands in the bathroom when a smiling, be-robed Money appears at the door. Carlos, with pre-game cheer: "So, today's the big day. You ready to make a baby?" Money smiles and, surprise, drops her robe. Money whispers that she's "ready," and then prances off to the bedroom. Carlos is stunned. He picks up her robe and follows her into the bedroom. The zany "Who's got a naked girl in his bed? Carlos, Carlos, Carlos!" music swells, and he stands there, gawking at her. Money, with sweet, sweet innocence, asks Carlos to "please be gentle." Then she lifts the covers and gives him another eyeful. Carlos is speechless. Gabby bustles in, and her "hurry up" urgings die on her lips. Carlos: "Hm, ah. I think she's confused about how we're going to make this baby happen." Gabby, wryly: "And were you planning on setting her straight?" Carlos says that it was the "thing out of [his] mouth," but then his eyes sort of sneak back at look over at Money, and she stares back at him shyly with, perhaps, not quite enough confusion in her eyes. Hm.

Andrew comes into Danielle's room and tries to talk her into Stage 2 of The Unraveling of Hempy: she needs to seal the deal, and go all the way with Hempy, gross. Danielle: "I am not that stupid. Go grind your own ax." The doorbell rings. Andrew: "That's him. I don't have time for this crap. Now strip down to bra and panties, now!" Danielle: "Get out of my room, you psycho!" Andrew, in an ecstasy of sibling frustration, turns and stomps out of the room, but not before taking a bratty little swing at one of Danielle's stuffed animals, which hits Danielle. Ha! (Andrew is a monster.)

Downstairs, Andrew tells Hempy in a bored tone that Bree won't be back for some time, so he might as well not bother hanging around. Hempy, with cheerful friendliness, says that he just wanted to drop by the Perkins brochure before Bree and Andrew take off tomorrow for their tour of the college. Hempy gives a nice little rah-rah about how fantastic the college is, how they're "all about diversity," and Andrew looks likes he's going to just die of not caring. Andrew dismisses Hempy by telling him that he'll tell Bree he stopped by, and Hempy is aaaalmost home free, when he turns at the last minute to apologize for departing so abruptly the other night: "I started to get the feeling that your sister was coming on to me, which was upsetting because--" Andrew, interrupting: "You're a sex addict?" Hempy, surprised: "Your mom told you about that?" Andrew: "Let's just say the word's out. But I'm curious: back in the day, what kind of stuff were you into?" Hempy hems that he's not really all that comfortable talking about that with Andrew, and Andrew lies that the only reason he cares about Hempy's grade on the superfreak scale is because he's worried for his mother's safety. Hempy assures him that he was never into any weird stuff; he just "went through a dark period" in which he slept with a "whole lot of people." Andrew gets that look evil people get when they are suddenly are presented with an opportunity to do something very, very bad. He asks what it is, exactly, that Hempy meant by "people": "It's just that when most guys discuss their conquests, they don't say 'people.'" Hempy laughs a little embarrassedly, and Andrew hastens to put his ill ease at rest: "It's okay. I appreciate the fact that you value diversity." Hempy looks like he's just had the wind knocked out of him, and Andrew cocks his eyebrow with sinister flirtiness.

By Evany

Later, down at the office, Tom scuttles in to clean out his desk, just as Lynette is leaving. For some bizarre reason, she's carrying what appears to be a gym bag, and also a toy elephant. In surprisingly friendly tones, Lynette tells Tom that she wasn't sure whether he was coming back, and he sheepishly says that he actually waited for the parking lot to clear before he came up. Lynette smiles, and then asks him what happened with Ed. Tom laughs and admits that he "shouldn't have hit" Ed, but that "what's done is done." Lynette, anxiously: "Anything else going on?...Because there's nothing you couldn't tell me. I would understand." Tom gushes that he "feels good about this," and that he never really "fit in" at that office anyway. Lynette is confused. He tells her he loves her, kisses her, and heads off to the elevator. As he's waiting for the elevator to arrive, Lynette casually comments that she's never really seen him do such a thing -- "lead with [his] fists" like that. The elevator doors open, and he steps on, saying, "Well, maybe I still got some surprises in me." The doors shut, and Lynette says, "Maybe you do," with sobering earnestness. Why isn't she getting on the elevator and going home with him? Maybe she's going to the daycare to pick up the kids before she leaves for the day? But then, why doesn't Tom go with her? Oh! Maybe she's going to go work out the in-building gym, which...encourages its members to work out carrying stuffed elephants?

Gabby, Carlos, and Money are down at the fertility clinic. Carlos whispers into Gabby's ear that he "still can't believe it...Why would Xiao Mei offer herself to [him] like that?" Clearly he's savoring the memory. Gabby whispers back that Money's "a virgin": "Who knows why they do anything?" Now Carlos is even more titillated. The nurse calls Carlos in to come back and give over his "DNA." Gabby gives him a kiss and tells him, "Only good swimmers, now!" He heads off with the nurse, who tells him that they have a "variety of magazines and videos" if he needs any help with his DNA contribution, but he looks back at Money, sitting in the lobby, and says that, no, he won't be needing any further assistance today. Meaning, for those who missed it, that Carlos is going to be masturbating to the thought of Money's naked virgin body. Awesome.

Susan notices that the mailman's been upstairs for quite some time now, so she wanders up to see if he needs any help. And (you saw this coming, right?) she finds him lying in a sexy pose on her bed, wearing nothing but his underwear. Cliorm asks, "Do you want me to keep the hat on? I know it's a fantasy for some women." Susan is speechless. Downstairs, Julie is home from school. She calls out, "Mom?" Susan leaps on the out, urging Cliorm to get dressed so that her daughter won't see him. Susan yells something incomprehensible down to Julie about how the mailman is upstairs, using the bathroom. Which sounds a little weird -- why would Susan be up there with him? -- but Julie is used to her mother's incomprehensibleness, so she just shrugs her shoulders and proceeds to sort through the mail. And, as I'm sure you guessed, Julie finds Edie's letter and tosses it back into Cliorm's mailbag. Upstairs, Susan pretends to be disappointed that their tryst has been derailed. The mailman offers to come back on Tuesday. Susan: "Tuesday's not good, because Tuesday is the day I become a lesbian." Ha!

Bree comes home, and calls out, "Andrew? Honey, where are you? I got your message, what's the emergency?" She walks into her room, and finds Andrew lying there, under the sheets, but almost surely naked. Bree is confused. Why is Andrew in her bed? Just then, Hempy -- wearing nothing but his tee and boxers -- stumbles out of the bathroom. His words ("Have you seen my pants?") die on his lips the instant he spots Bree, who of course looks stricken in that way that only Bree can. Ruh-roh, Shaggy! Bree looks back over at Andrew, and he cocks his eyebrow and delivers this deadly line: "Now we're even." Andrew is the lemon that all parents fear they'll give birth to. And yet...I can't help wondering if Bree had only left Hempy's sponsor Flappy Claude alone, versus sabotaging their relationship (which had held Hempy in good stead for over a year) for her own selfish reasons, Hempy might not have succumbed to the temptation of Andrew? Then again, Andrew, as we all know, is pretty persuasive; Hempy probably never even had a chance. But, even though I know addiction is a powerful thing, still I was and am totally shocked by this turn of events. Shocked!

By Evany

So Edie gets the letter. We can see that it's addressed to "Edie Britt, 4362 Wisteria Lane, Eagle State, USA," so that solves that mystery: Fairview is located in the glorious state of Eagle, a state plentiful with lakes and an unusually elevated crime rate. (Why Susan chose to forego the name of the town in the address is still uncertain, though let's just give her the benny of the doubt and say she was subconsciously hoping the letter would get misdirected altogether.) Edie opens the envelope and unfolds the letter. At the top is the same "Dear Edie" we saw Susan pen back in the beginning of the episode, but then everything written below is in written in someone else's (a proud, proud PA, no doubt) completely different handwriting. It reads: "I don't even know how to begin this letter, but I'll start by asking that you please forgive me for what I'm about to tell you. I'd also like to emphasize that it's all Karl's fault. The truth is, I slept with Karl while you were still together. I know what I did was terrible. However, I did so after he told me he had broken up with you because he was in love with me. I know this letter may come as a shock..." It isn't exactly the most graceful letter, and Susan didn't do the greatest job of softening the blow, but I guess all the facts are there. But if the way Edie crumples up the envelop into a tight, tight fist is any indication, she isn't taking the news all that well.

Susan knocks on Mike's door. She's made him a "thank-you pie": "And by 'made,' I mean 'bought.'" He stands back to let her in, and she enters. From across the street, Edie emerges from the shadows, and she's looking icy mad and also hot in coat with a ginormous Cruela DeVil fur collar.

Cut to Edie opening Susan's garage and pouring gas all over Susan's house using a cute little watering can -- that's got to be the sweetest vehicle for arson ever used! Edie heads inside the house and douses the walls. Then she strikes a match. Bu...what about Julie? I'm guessing that, since she waited for Susan to leave, she probably did the same with Julie? Or maybe, when she was inside, she checked to make sure Julie wasn't home. I hope? I like Edie too much; I don't want to find out that she's secretly the sort of monster who would light a house without making sure it's uninhabited. Setting fire to all Julie's stuff is bad enough...

Back at Mike's, Susan is telling him, with unprecedented confidence, how glad she is that he saved her from Edie's wrath (ha), because it proves that he's still into her. Who is this person? Where is the needy Susan we know and...know? Huh. Maybe regaining Karl's love has given her a whole new alpha male outlook on life. Whatever it is, it's an improvement, so I'm not going to question it too closely. Susan points out that Mike's always trying to beat up her new boyfriends, and that he's always looking out for Julie and Susan, and you know what that all means. Mike: "That you're high-maintenance?" Ha! Susan tells him he can joke all he wants; she'll be the one to "break the ice." She tells him that she's "never stopped caring" for him. He asks about Karl, and she brushes that aside as a mistake that would have never happened if she'd thought there was the slightest chance with Mike. She comes around the table and feeds him a bite of pie: "I know you like pie. And I know you like me." Wow, hello, New Susan! She and Mike are just about to kiss when a suspicious yellow glow fills the room. Mike: "Your house is on fire!"

By Evany

The morning, Andrew comes outside to find Bree waiting for him. She looks puffy, and weirdly diminished somehow, plus eerily calm, like she's cried for so long and so hard, she's got no energy left for anything but standing there. Bree: "Did you forget that we were supposed to take that tour of Perkins College today?" Andrew sasses that, "after what happened last night," he didn't think that Bree would be "too keen on sitting to [him] in a car for three hours." Bree: "Consider me a cheerleader for anything that expedites me getting you out from under my roof." Andrew, cockily: "Glad we can come to an understanding."

By Evany

Later, Bree and Andrew are driving along in silence on some country road. Bree pulls over at a gas station. Andrew asks why they're stopping: they have "over half a tank left." Bree closes her eyes and says that she has "so many things to say" to Andrew. But, more than anything, she wants him to know how "sorry" she is." Andrew is confused. Bree: "Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. And I thought that was the kind of love that I had for you. Maybe if I had, it would have been different." Andrew, still with the jokey-jokey, asks why he "suddenly get[s] the feeling [they're] not going to make it out to Perkins College today?" Bree, like a zombie, gets out of the car, goes back to the trunk, and gets out a bag. She tells Andrew that she's packed some of his things, and she's included some money -- enough to get him started until he finds work. Andrew, finally fazed just a bit: "What, you're going to leave me here, out in the middle of nowhere?" Bree, with the quiet of someone who's truly crushed, tells him that she saw a "bus stop about a mile back": "You can go anywhere you want." She turns to leave, and he reaches out and grabs her arm. "Momma," he says; then he catches himself and says, "Mom, please don't do this." Bree: "I have to [leave]; I can't be around you anymore, I'm just not strong enough." Andrew, in (I suspect) an attempt to keep her there even just a few moments longer, says, "You know what the good news is? I win." Crying now, he continues, "I remember the look in your eyes when I told you I was gay. I knew that one day you would stop loving me. So. Here we are. I was right. I win." Bree stares at him for a moment, and you can tell she's thinking this is the last time she's ever going to see him. Then she says, "Well, good for you," in a tired voice that speaks volumes about how empty she is of the kind of care that it takes to explain why she did what she did. She gets into the car and drives off. Andrew wanders out into the road, and she looks back at him in her rearview, crying now. Wow. Lots of people on the boards seemed to think that Andrew is just putting on an act here, out of fear of suddenly having to fend for himself sans trust fund, but after watching the scene a few times, I can't shake the feeling that he's really, finally sad -- that he's been so caught up with his revenge fantasies that he hasn't been able to see past their outcome, see how broken they might leave him. How Bree might very likely kick him out, and he doesn't have a trust fund anymore to pad the landing. I've known people who do that -- try to bring on suspected rejection that might not otherwise have come without their urging. Anyway, bravo Shawn! And many finger snaps to Marcia. Yay for a tragic scene well played!

By Evany

MAVO summary time! She basically just recaps what she told us in her intro -- that everyone's hiding secrets, et cetera, et cetera. Then she ends with "But truth, no matter how ugly, always emerges, and someone we care about always ends up getting hurt." Mike and Susan run out and stand, stunned, and watch the house burn. Julie joins Susan (oh good, she's not dead!), and they hug each other as the fire engines start to pull up. MAVO: "And someone else will revel in their pain." We see Edie, watching the fire through her front window, sipping wine. MAVO: "And that's the ugliest truth of all."

week: Edie tears off Susan's shirt...what? Huh?

Desperate Housewives TV Show - I Know Things Now - Desperate Housewives Photos &amp; Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews &amp; Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP

Desperate Housewives TV Show - I Know Things Now - Desperate Housewives Photos & Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews & Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP