By DeAnn Welker
Absolutely nothing that matters happens in this episode -- unless you are possibly just now watching your season 1 DVDs. Because this all seems like it would be so much more relevant back then. We are introduced to Beau Bridges, who's apparently the handyman of everyone on Wisteria Lane. He retires, and then dies right off the bat. Then everyone has a memory of him, which plays out via flashbacks. He helped Gaby get to know the other ladies on the street by hosting a poker game at which she did nothing but brag and show off, and then told her that she was a bitch and should go apologize to everyone. He watched Bree and Rex fight and saved the cookbook she was writing that she threw out when Rex made fun of her dream to write it, and then gave it back to her when Rex died so she might write it someday. He made Edie realize her husband was gay, and then when she was single he slept with her. He took an infant Penny out of the car when Lynette had left her there while trying to go back to work, and made her realize that family is probably more important than work anyway. And he made Susan aware of the fact that Karl was a cheat, and then consoled her (by calling her his hero!) after her divorce from Mike. He also was fixing the shingle on her roof when he died. Though, like any good handyman, he finished the job first.
Finally, we get his scene with Mary Alice, which is both the most touching and the most irrelevant at this point in the series. This is where things turn around, because she actually helped him, by giving him a job fixing her vase and then passing his cards along to all of her friends. He was so poor that he'd taped over the hole in his shoe, so she did it out of charity and kindness. And then he came and talked to her -- and she gave him the vase he'd fixed -- just before she killed herself. He felt guilty about not stopping her, and spent the rest of his life making other people's lives better. It was sweet and touching, and even a little tear-inducing. But it seems weird to bring Mary Alice up now like she matters in the scheme of this season. It's clearly just a filler episode until we get to sweeps. Example: In three weeks, everyone's in a catfight! It will be awesome.
No previouslies this week, because either they realize that they'd have to show things only from season one, so we'd know who Mary Alice is, confusing newcomers; or because they just know this has nothing to do with anything and is so standalone that previouslies aren't necessary. Either way, prepare yourself for many blasts from the past and very little having to do with anything. Right, it's the 100th episode and all, so they're trying to pay some sort of tribute to the past, and Mary Alice. And Beau Bridges, apparently.
Speaking of, Beau gets out of his old red truck, as Mary Alice tells us he's the handiest of all handymen, Eli Scruggs. But since he won't be around long, I'm going to go ahead and call him Beau. His customers would tell you there's nothing he couldn't fix, whether a broken vase, a leaky pipe, or a shaky banister. But sadly, this Wisteria fixer is about to break their hearts. He climbs a ladder at Susan's, and Mrs. McCluskey comes to yell at him for retiring; she just got his note. He says he is retiring, because the doctor says he has a "bum ticker." "Bum ticker" is the sort of expression the handiest handymen say, of course. Mrs. McCluskey isn't happy about this development, but he recommends a new, young guy named Toby, who just turned 30. She's not comfortable with strangers, since it took her ten years to trust him. And she likes that he never leaves a mess. She wonders if everyone else knows he's leaving, and he says he put the same note in everyone's mailbox. She thinks there needs to be a party in his honor, but he doesn't want a big fuss. She tells him she'll miss him and walks off. Then he climbs the ladder for the last time. He finishes Susan's shingle, and then quietly has a heart attack and dies. He drops a nail, but it falls off the roof and into his tool box as Mary Alice tells us he did this without making a mess.
Mary Alice tells us it took an hour for someone to find the body laying atop Susan's roof. That someone is Juanita, who sees crows picking at the ball. Less than ten minutes later, the neighbors began arriving, to watch the paramedics and policemen try to figure out how to get the body down. I'd like to know how they do it, but Mary Alice quickly moves on without revealing the secrets of paramedics and policemen of the world. Susan arrives home, looking shocked, as everyone looks on. Mary Alice tells us it took two days for her friends to realize how much this tragedy had affected them. We get a close-up of a deep-in-thought Gaby, who's about to join the other ladies for their poker game. At the poker game, the ladies quickly start discussing sending flowers to Eli's funeral and ask Gaby what she thinks they should contribute. But the strummy music tells us she's already deep into a thoughtful flashback...
And now we're there with her, all hair extension-ed and made up to look like the Gaby of old. Carlos is presenting her with Jimmy Choos, and she's excited but then asks what this is about, since she knows that him buying her shoes is either because she's mad or about to be mad, so she'd like to know why she's about to be mad. He says he has to leave for Cleveland, and she's upset because he just got back from a trip and everyone he's leaving her here with is so boring. Then Carlos asks if they can please not argue in front of the handyman (who is fixing the sink, for those keeping track). Gaby's upset that Carlos brought her to a place where people are named Eli Scruggs. Carlos tells her that's fine; he'll give up his job and everything that goes with it, but she can't part with her Jimmy Choos, so he goes to pack.
After Carlos leaves, Beau tells Gaby the ladies on the street are nice, and they have a weekly poker game. He says he'd be happy to talk to them and ask if she can host a game. thing we know, Lynette, Susan, Bree, and Mary Alice are arriving at Gaby's where the maid tells them she'll be right down, because she likes to make an entrance. Cue Gaby coming down the stairs all dramatic in a shiny gold dress in front of Warhol-esque photos of herself. Then they're playing poker, as Gaby regales the ladies with stories of her glamorous life, on a yacht with Jon Bon Jovi. She calls Fairview "East Nowhere," and then tells them she doesn't know how they get out of bed in the morning, and it's making her want to put a gun to her head. She gestures at Mary Alice, because, get it? She shot herself. They all say they like to do things with their kids and go to church. Gaby's depressed to put the best part of her life behind her. She says, "Goodbye to doing vodka shots with Kate Moss, and hello to drinking International Coffee with you girls." Now I remember why I didn't used to like Gaby. And the other ladies didn't either, apparently.
When Beau shows up to bill Gaby for fixing her sink, he tells her she made quite an impression at the poker game. Gaby, being the Gaby we once knew and hated, thinks he means this in a good way, but he clarifies that the ladies can't stop talking about her, but they didn't call her a "star." He heard "stuck-up," "obnoxious," and "bitch." Then he says he went out on a limb to get her into the game and then she went in there acting like she was better than them. He suggests she drop the attitude and learn to like her neighbors if she doesn't want to be all alone on Wisteria forever and ever. thing we know, she shows up at Lynette's with muffins. The ladies are playing poker, but Gaby wasn't invited. She says she knows she made a horrible first impression. She says this is why models never talk: They say a lot of stupid, patronizing things that make people want to avoid them. I like how she manages to refer to the fact that she's a model even in her apology speech. She goes on that what she should have said is that her husband's never home, she misses the city and her life, she's lonely all the time, and she could really use some friends. Bree steps forward and tells her that's how to make an entrance. Back in the present poker game, Gaby's still thoughtful, and Bree snaps her out of it. Susan says they're getting a wreath for the funeral; is she in? Gaby says she'd like to pay for it. When Lynette says she doesn't have to do that, Gaby says she actually kind of does.
Still at the poker game, the ladies decide Bree will prepare the food for the funeral. Bree says she'll come up with a recipe for her cookbook, and asks if Gaby has her copy. Gaby gets it out from under the leg of a decorative table, which obviously horrifies Bree. But Gaby says it's only temporary, until Juanita's done with her comic book. That's a fishy story, since you don't see many comics as thick as a cookbook. As Bree looks at her cookbook, she heads into her flashback, where she's eating in the back yard with Rex, Tom, and Lynette. Everyone is completely bitter toward one another. Tom wants Lynette to cook the frittata like Bree's, and Lynette would like Tom to stop getting her pregnant. Bree would like Rex to let her buy a new stove, and he thinks if his income isn't supporting her adequately she can get a job. It's a bitter back and forth, though Tom keeps interjecting with snide comments about Lynette. Then Lynette makes a comment about her overused uterus and everyone gives her a look. She's all, "Oh, yeah, I ruined the brunch.
Rex comes into the kitchen on what is presumably that night (or one shortly thereafter). Beau's under the kitchen sink, and Rex greets him so we'll realize he's there, then he asks Bree where dinner is. She explains it's leftovers tonight, and he can heat them up himself, since she's working on putting together a cookbook to make herself some money for a new stove. She's genuinely excited about this idea for a "homestyle American cookbook." Rex thinks she can't be serious, because her cooking's great and all, but "every bored housewife who pulls off a decent lasagna" thinks she can write a cookbook. God, what an ass. I so do not miss Rex. He asks what she knows about writing, and she says she'll learn. And she has more ideas than cooking: to write about traditional values, etc. He says this is his fault for ribbing her, and that he will buy her the stove. He then asks her to stop this foolishness and make him some non-leftovers. She gets up and throws the cookbook in the trashcan.
We flash forward to Bree in her kitchen alone, in black. Beau comes in and tells her he finished the banister. He says she can pay him whenever since this is a rough time. He tells her the service for "Mr. V" was really nice. She's surprised he was there. He said he sat in the back, but he wanted to stay goodbye to Mr. V. Beau asks what she's going to do with her life now. She tearfully says she doesn't know. He opens up his toolbox and gives her the cookbook she threw out while he was working in her kitchen. He says he kept it in case she might need it someday. He says he made her Cajun meatloaf, and it may be his favorite meal ever. She can't believe he saved this, but she's not really in the mood to write a cookbook right now. He says she might be one day. Back in the present, Bree's still looking at the cookbook cover, and Susan tells her she should make "that flaky, breaded shrimp thing" for the wake. Bree responds, thanks, but she actually has something else in mind. Cajun meatloaf, anyone?
Edie and Creepy Dave are coming back from the Bahamas, and Edie wonders why they never left the hotel room. She says they might as well have stayed home and just had sex here. He tells her Mrs. McCluskey just called -- but not to rat on him for being a loony or anything, but to tell her that her handyman died. She can't believe it, and I can't believe this segment was ever written, because it's stupid fluff compared to the other segments, which at least tried to be about something more than ... well, I guess we'll get to that. Edie stares straight ahead in the most waxen-looking pose I've ever seen. Seriously, you know how there are wax museums that depict people? I think Nicollete Sheridan could be in a museum full of people who are depicting wax sculptures. How cool would that be? People would pass by, all, "Oh, wow. She does look so much like wax!" Ha. Anyway, as she stands there all crazy-looking, the camera flies around her and she flashes back...
She's yelling at Umberto, her husband, for going to the gym again. She wants afternoon sex, but he is completely uninterested. He says she's clingy and her libido is out of control and that she might want to use something from her drawerful of toys. He leaves for the "gym." Beau comes out of her bathroom, and she says she forgot he was in there. I'm thinking it's a good thing that Umberto wasn't in the mood. Beau starts to leave, but she stops him by asking what he thinks of her ass and boobs. He thinks it's all great, and that her husband not wanting sex isn't her. He tells her the catcalls his former construction buddies would have made. She tells him she's totally insulted and demeaned, and then thanks him so much for insulting and demeaning her since her husband won't. She heads into the recently fixed bathroom, and Beau sort of shudders at her hot body.
Beau shows up later and finds her drinking and sad after finding out Umberto's gay. She's depressed, but he tells her that she's had a gay guy sleeping with her for two years, and those guys are pretty hard to land. You know, especially for women. He tells her she's a knockout and grabs her hand. Then she squeezes it hard, and he says he needs it back, and "It's hard to be a handyman without a hand." It sounds very Dr. Seuss, but the rest of this is definitely not child lit. She basically forces herself on him, and they sleep together. Back in the present, Creepy Dave tells her the funeral is Saturday and he's guessing she'd want to go. She does. He is putting her Bahamas clothes away, and she asks him to leave that slinky black dress out; she'll get it cleaned for the funeral. He thinks it's a little sexy for the funeral, but she says Beau wouldn't mind. Sort of how he didn't mind her practically raping him.
The ladies are cleaning up after the poker game at Gaby's when Penny shows up yelling for Lynette. She wants her mom's help with her math, saying she promised her, but Lynette says she's still helping her friends plan the memorial. She tells Penny to start without her, and she'll be there soon. Then we flash back to a disheveled mess of Lynette, puking into her toilet. Tom comes in and asks what's wrong, and she tells him she's pregnant. He's so excited, and thinks this is fantastic. She's not so thrilled since she was planning to go back to work -- even though she hadn't told him that. The best part is that he stops her mid-sentence and flushes her puke, explaining that made it difficult to pay attention. She tells him that she got a call that someone's leaving work and she was hoping this would be her opportunity to go back, and that's her dream. He asks about their dream of having a little girl. She says that he knows it will be a boy, because it's always a boy, who's going to pee in her face and hide dead things in her shoes. Felicity Huffman is awesome, because that delivery was so hilarious, but she can also make me cry and completely scare the crap out of me. I thoroughly enjoy this show and all, but she is so much too good for it. Anyway, she tells Tom she is going after this job. He asks who will take care of the kids, and she says she was hoping he could cut back on his hours. They fight, just like when she finally did go back to work. The boys wake up and Tom goes to make their breakfast.
We see a less disheveled but more pregnant Lynette on the phone, in interview speak about "taking it to a whole new level." Tom walks in the room and has to jump over a giant puddle of water. She covers the phone and tells him her water broke, and could he take her overnight bag to the car. She's telling whoever's on the phone that she can start in three weeks, and then asks about perks. Right as she has a contraction. Tom tries to take the phone with her, and Felicity Huffman delivers a line that's little hilarious and a little scary: "I swear, if you touch this phone, I will have this baby right here and then beat you with it." Tom tells her she's insane and they have to go. She asks to finish the conversation tomorrow, but the person on the other end gets her to agree to later in the day instead. She hangs up and says she got the job. He tells her the baby's arm is sticking out, so she could high-five it. She is not a fan of the joking, and tells him that people will totally see that she can have it all.
A no longer pregnant Lynette is getting out of the car with a bag of groceries. She's on the phone with her new boss, telling him how excited she is to come in on Monday. She can't come in on Friday, because they agreed on week. Just then, Beau comes by and sees the baby in her car. She's still inside on the phone when he walks in with Penny and tells her she might have forgotten something. She looks panic-stricken and in shock that she could have done this. She asks her new boss to hold on. She starts crying and tries to explain. He is sweet to her, and tells her she's got a lot on her mind and it was only a couple minutes. But Lynette can't believe she'd do that, and it's 84 degrees out. He says she's got a lot on her plate, with her three boys, a newborn, and what sounds like a new job. She starts crying and hugs and kisses Beau. On the phone, we can hear her boss saying, "Lynette, are you still there?" but she's holding Penny and loving her, and she hangs up the phone. Back in the present, Gaby comes to the foyer and asks Lynette if she's coming back. She's not. She's going home to help Penny with her homework. She hollers for Penny, who's barely down the porch, to wake up. They sure fit a lot of flashback into a few seconds, apparently.
Susan's pouring herself a glass of wine, which she looks at quite thoughtfully before doing so. Then she notices the giant tool box on her table that she apparently hadn't noticed until then. And then the camera flies around her and flashes back to her throwing men's clothes into her front yard and yelling, "Yard sale!" Just then, Beau walks up and she asks how he is. She crazy talks that she's fine, since she found $20 in the pocket of these jeans, which she hadn't worn in a while. Then she adds that Karl left her for his secretary, so could he please change the locks. He says he's sorry. She says not to be, just to worry since Karl's coming by to get stuff. She wants it locked before then. Beau says, "You're doing all right, though?" Susan continues in fast, high-pitched, crazy woman speak: "Well, on one hand I got dumped by a pair of headlights named Brandy. On the other, I reported Karl's credit cards stolen and I cut the pockets out of all his pants. So, a little from Column A, a little from Column B." It's very cute. Beau tells her that redheads are nuts, anyway, so she'll make his life hell. Susan says Brandy's a blond, and he's all, "Uh-oh." She asks what he knows, and he says he saw Karl around town with a redhead a couple times. He says people in the neighborhood were talking, so he thought she knew. She didn't. She asks him to change the locks and then leave, with no talking. He tries to apologize, but she's having none of it.
A much more gray-haired Beau shows up at Susan's. He is greeted by a heartbroken, sobbing Susan. He tells her he heard about her and Mike, and he thought they were a great couple. She called him over to change the locks again. He's going to see what he has in his truck, but she's sobbing so hard he can't leave. He sits down to her, and tells her that he has dabbled in love, but it always seemed more trouble than it was worth to him. He told himself he wasn't missing much, but then watching Susan try so hard all these years and get so hurt and keep getting back up and trying makes him think he really might be missing something, that it might be worth it. She stops crying and listens. He tells her she's damn heroic to him. I'm not kidding. He tells Susan she's heroic. FOR HER RELATIONSHIPS. Because she had a husband cheat, went crazy because of an accident until Mike left her. And then dropped Jackson, apparently. Oh, right, that comes .
On the day he died, he showed up to drop keys to her place off for Jackson. She thanks him, but tells him she and Jackson broke up because she wants to be alone for now. Does that mean no more Gale? I'm so sad, if that's the case. He better come back and fight for her or something. I don't feel like any of us got a proper goodbye. She asks him if he can fix the loose shingle on her roof while he's here. He's happy to, but it will be the last thing he ever fixes for her. She says he can't retire, but he asks her to be happy for him. She says she is, but that he's been the most consistent male relationship in her life. Um, Beau? That is your relationship hero: Her most stable relationship has been with her handyman. She points out she knows nothing about him, though. So he says right after he fixes the shingle, they'll talk. She goes to buy wine to talk over. And that's the sad bottle of wine she's now drinking with his toolbox.
Now we're at his funeral, and all the people he helped over the years came (and it looks like a big crowd), but one person was missing. That person is someone who changed his life in a way he never forgot. Mary Alice tells us all this, and then we head to Wisteria, where an alive Mary Alice is working in the yard. This is either Beau or Mary Alice's flashback, which doesn't so much matter, seeing as how they're both dead. He walks up and tells her he's a handyman if she ever needs anything fixed. She says she doesn't, but he offers his card anyway. He pulls out more to give to her for her friends, but drops them. When she leans to help him pick them up, she notices his leather shoes have a hole that he's tried to cover with electrical tape. He looks sheepish, and she looks like she just had a revelation. Then she tells him to come inside, since she has a broken vase, actually. She knocked it off the bureau when dusting, but saved the pieces, so she'd appreciate him gluing it back together. He says she doesn't have to do that. But she says it needs doing, so he goes inside with her to fix it.