By DeAnn Welker
With three suspenseful storylines going strong, this season is certainly wrapping up on a high note. First there's Eddie, the Wisteria Strangler, who overhears Tom and Lynette finding out that Irina's body was found and that the cops want Preston for questioning. Soon enough, Eddie's moving back home, where he tells Lynette his mom will be home from her bender soon enough, and he should be there. She thinks he's sweet, but wants him to return once he's taken care of his mom. Lynette and Tom go to the police station with Preston, and afterward, Tom and Porter take Preston to shoot pool and relax about his guilt over Irina's death. Lynette then overhears the cops saying they found another body: Eddie's mom, Barbara. She heads to Eddie's to tell him the bad news, and he tells her he just spoke to his mom, who's in Florida, and he's going there, too, to check her into rehab. For a moment, Lynette actually buys it and thinks the cops got the name wrong. Then Eddie's sorrowful look registers, and she figures everything out. They are both sad and terrified, and he tells her he wishes she hadn't come over. Then he locks the door and closes the windows up tight. It's the most truly suspenseful moment in this show in a long time, and possibly ever.
Elsewhere, Patrick's still holding Angie hostage, and the reason is apparently that he wants her to build a bomb. Turns out she was an engineering major, and after all these years he can't build a bomb on his own to go bomb those clear-cutters in Oregon. Gaby comes in a couple times, wanting Angie to help her make lasagna for Carlos's birthday, since he admits after eleven years that hers is gross. When she gives the lasagna to Angie to try, Angie slips a note into it and then asks Gaby to take it back since she's dieting. Gaby thinks that means she hates it and throws it out. Thankfully, her girls get up and pick it out of the trash for a midnight snack. Celia ends up spitting out the note, which says, "Danny and I held hostage. No cops. Get Nick."
At Bree's, Andrew's not scared of Sam and just wants to make him go away, but Orson suggests a payoff, since money's what he claims he didn't get from Rex. So Bree gives him a huge check and then asks him to leave. He sees through it, though, and says she can't buy him off. He belongs here, with his family. The thing she tries is to threaten him with her retired cop friends. It seems to work, until he comes back with a threat of his own: Danielle got drunk and told him that Andrew hit and killed Carlos's mother while driving. Unless Bree signs her whole company over to Sam, he's going to tell Carlos and the police.
Finally, in the "Who cares?" department: Susan's still trying to get Mike's finances in order, and it all seems to be going well (she's threatening poor people into either paying up what they can or giving her their clocks, watches, earrings, etc.) until the IRS comes calling for their tax bill. It's apparently a pretty big bill, because Susan's decision ultimately is to move away from Wisteria Lane. They're going to rent out her house and live in a cheap apartment near the school. I can only assume this is going to tie into one of the other storylines in week's finale somehow, because otherwise... who really cares?
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Previously: Eddie killed his mom, but his therapist wanted her to come in, so Lynette went over to find out she's been gone for days. Sam threw a vase and scared Bree. Susan took on Mike's debt, even though he's a big, secretive ass. Angie told Gaby the truth about Danny's real father, Patrick, who came around and hit Nick with a car, then held Angie hostage. Now: We open on Angie handcuffed to a bed as Mary Alice Voices Over that Angie was having trouble sleeping, because she was dreaming about her life choices. We flash back to her decisions to drop out of college, to join a group of ecoterrorists, to fall in love with their charismatic leader (a long-haired Patrick), and to build him a bomb. She knows they were bad choices, says MAVO. How else could she have ended up here with a man she despises? She wakes up and Patrick's standing over her, creeping it up. He says he's admiring her scar, which is "so beautiful." She quickly covers it up with her shirt, but he says she should be proud. Unlike him, she's not so proud of killing a guy. He says it was noble, since it was just one guy compared to the planet. Patrick asks when she stopped loving him, and she tells him she never loved him. He says she's lying, and probably still does love him, and maybe she'd remember if they made love. Angie says they could, but he might not like it when she vomits into his mouth. And neither would the viewing audience, Patrick. Please spare us that. He says he could kill her, but he won't because he needs her for something: He tells her she's going to make him another bomb, but she says he can't make her do that. He says she'll be surprised by what he can make her do. MAVO says she'd made some bad choices in her life, and she now has no choices left. Title card.
We open on a guy we've never seen in a police station as MAVO tells us "Detective John Booth" (that's a stretch for the title, don't you think?) wasn't happy because he couldn't figure out who was killing women in Fairview. He had pored over autopsy photos, read psychological profiles, and interviewed witnesses. But he was no closer to finding a killer, "until one day..." Booth gets a call that some kids came across a woman's body buried in the woods, and he heads out. Cut to a shovel, being wielded by Eddie, of course. He's doing gardening for Lynette. She tells him she went to his mom's to ask her to come to therapy, and he asks what she said. Lynette says she doesn't want to worry him, but his mom wasn't there and the neighbor says she's been gone for days. He thinks for a second and then says this happens all the time with her; she's on another bender and will be back in a few days. Lynette asks if he's sure they don't need to call anyone, and he says she'll turn up sooner or later.
Casa de Solis. Carlos is getting ready to go on a business trip, which Gaby's upset about only until she finds out there's a possible $40,000 commission. She tells him she'll have is favorite dinner waiting when he returns, since it's his birthday. He stops and tells her it's okay; they'll go out and celebrate, since he doesn't want her to go to any trouble. She sees through it, and realizes he doesn't like the lasagna she's been making every year and has, in fact, been feeding it to the plant. That must be one smelly fichus. Ew. He says he never wanted to hurt her feelings, but he's gotten older and his stomach's gotten weaker. He tells her he's sorry, but she doesn't make it like his mom used to. She says that's because his backstabbing mother didn't have the decency to give it to her before she died. Carlos (aided by exposition-writing elves), says emphatically, "She was run over by a car!" Gaby thinks that's awfully convenient. Carlos says he loves Gaby's guacamole, though, and she says she buys that at the store. Of course.
Susan's stressing over Mike's bills and can't figure out why the payments don't cover half of what he's billed. He explains to her all about the bad economy and how sometimes people don't pay their bills. Susan doesn't care about anyone else's money problems but theirs, so she's going to be the one to go convince everyone to pay. She gets teary and fake-cries to Mike when he tells her it won't work. He falls for it, convincing him she'll be able to do the same with his clients. He starts to wonder about crying fits in the past, when she's convinced him to do what she wants. She thinks they shouldn't discuss this until they're out of this crisis.
At Bree's, she, Andrew and Orson are discussing how to deal with Sam. Andrew's not afraid, and he's pretty sure he speaks for Orson, too, but Orson says it depends on how violent Sam might get, since Orson is stuck in a chair now, so can't exactly fight like he used to. Orson runs into Andrew with his chair a couple times to show him how lousy he'd be in a fight. Bree tells Orson he's more of a strategist than a fighter, anyway. Andrew says they can hire someone to rough Sam up, then, but Orson suggests cash instead, since that's what Sam wanted from Rex in the first place. Bree tells Orson he's brilliant, but Andrew's not convinced. Orson runs into Andrew again, then wheels away.
Scavo home. The detectives show up and ask Lynette if she knows Irina. As she starts to go on about what a terrible little wench she is, the detectives interrupt to tell her they found her body, and she was murdered. Tom comes in and the whole comedy of errors repeats itself, but this time Lynette stops him as he's speaking ill of the dead. Basically, they're here to question Preston -- who's camping with Porter -- since they found a letter Irina had written him. Lynette starts to ramble about how he wouldn't have broken up with her and then killed her; "why wouldn't you just skip the breakup and go straight to the killing?" Tom asks why she won't stop talking, and she says she's trying. The detectives ask Tom to let Preston know, and get him back here for questioning. As they leave, Lynette calls to them to forget about Preston and focus on finding the real killer. They say they will. The camera pans upstairs, where Eddie's listening to the whole thing with concern. It's so weird that, even though he's a known killer, I still don't see him as evil or shady so much as sad and sympathetic. I think it's a credit to the actor.
At Angie's, Patrick has a whole briefcase of bomb building laid out on the table. She says she's not going to, and he says not yet; he's waiting on one missing piece. She says she still won't, but he tells her there's a development in Oregon trying to clear-cut 4,000 acres of old-growth. Right. That's why he wants the bomb on this show? To come to Oregon and blow up a logging site. He says she used to be able to see that saving the world's messy, and she says now she sees he's a fake and has only ever believed in himself, not his cause. She says that Nick's twice the man he is as he grabs her, clearly jealous. Then Gaby interrupts by knocking on the door and saying she won't go, since she can see Angie's car. Patrick tells Angie to get rid of her quickly, so Angie calls her in. Gaby says hi and Angie pretends Patrick's her brother. Luckily, Gaby doesn't care much about anyone but herself, so they don't dwell. She just wants a lasagna recipe for Carlos's birthday, so Angie goes to the kitchen to get it. While she's there, Gaby asks Patrick what the bomb-building kit is, and he pretends Angie's fixing a remote control. He says she's good at that stuff, since she studied engineering in college. Angie gets irked at Gaby for wanting to use sauce from a jar instead of fresh tomatoes, but Patrick flashes his gun and Angie lets her ruin the lasagna. On her way out, Gaby babbles about not comparing your wife to your dead mother if you want to get laid on your birthday. When she's gone, Patrick wonders how someone who knows how to make a bomb hasn't used one on Gaby yet. He admires her restraint. Oh, Patrick, there are much worse people on this lane.
Bree's at her desk when Sam arrives and wonders why she wanted to see him. She tells him about Andrew and Danielle's trust funds, and says Rex seemed to have forgotten that he had three children. She hands him a check. We don't see how much it is, but it's enough to shock him. She says it's her way of apologizing for Rex, and he thanks her. She tells him how much she's appreciated the time he's spent with them, and then opens the door to let him out. She wishes him the best, and he says it sounds like a goodbye. She says that with his skills and all that money, he shouldn't work here. Plus, she's given the job back to Andrew, since it's a family business. He wants to work here and says he's part of the family, but she says, "Not really." He tears up the check and tells her she can't buy him off, since he belongs here. "I'm a Van de Kamp. And if you ever insult me again, you're gonna wish you hadn't." Ooh, scary.
Susan shows up at the home of one of Mike's poor plumbing customers. She tries the crying thing and it doesn't work because, really, who cares? So she gets angry and starts threatening to follow him everywhere every day until he pays them the money he owes. He goes inside to write a check, and Susan has an obvious epiphany: Being a bitch is more effective than being nice. Which is more true than I like to admit. Although, when these people call a plumber again, it's probably not going to be Mike. She threatens another lady by holding her weird breakables precariously. The woman writes a check. When another woman really has no money, Susan points out her nice watch. Wow, how nice of her to take from these people who have no jobs or money. And she files her fingernails the whole time. Does this show want viewers to hate Susan?
When she finishes and takes the money and booty (a clock, earrings, a sterling silver menora) home to Mike, he's impressed -- and a little horrified. She tells him that playing the victim got her nowhere, but rage and being a bully did. She finishes rambling about it, and Mike tells her they owe a bunch of money to the IRS, and are screwed. She disagrees, and takes her bullying self to the IRS, where she tells the IRS agent that she's essentially his boss since she pays taxes. She screams that they need an extension as Mike looks uncomfortable. On the way home, she says she's a terrible bully and that she didn't know they could tack on all those extra penalties. She asks what they should do, but Mike doesn't know, since they have nothing to fall back on. Susan looks out the car window at her house and tells him they have that.
Bree's pouring tea when Sam arrives, and she welcomes him in. She introduces him to her "old friends," Detective Turner and Sergeant Clemente, big-ol' retired policemen. The guys say Bree catered their retirement parties, so they owe her big. Then they sit Sam down between them on the couch and tell a story about a guy who hassled a lady when they were cops, but never quite broke the law. It was frustrating for them then, because there was nothing they could do. But today, they say, they'd handle it differently, using measures such as dislocating the guy's fingers or bashing his neck with a phonebook. Sam looks very afraid, and Bree's delighting in it all. She tells Sam he looks pale and wonders if he'd like a macaroon. He doesn't, and thinks he should be going. The retired cops offer him a ride, and tell him his own address, but Sam says he's good. Bree wonders why tea parties have fallen out of fashion, since they're such fun!
Lynette's on the phone with Porter, who she tells to drive safely and to do what he can to keep his brother's spirits up. When she hangs up, Eddie comes downstairs with a backpack and tells her he's moving back home, since the family needs time to deal with Irina's death and they don't need him in the way. Lynette says she considers him family, especially since he's been so helpful. He says he wants to stay, but he should be home when his mom gets back from her bender. Lynette thinks that's sweet of him, but says he should come back once he makes sure his mom's okay. Eddie doesn't think that's going to happen, so Lynette asks him if he didn't like it here. He says it was fantastic, but he should go. Lynette asks if she can hug him goodbye, and he lets her. As they're hugging, his eyes fill with tears and he says he can't help thinking he'd have turned out so different if she were his mom. Man, that is seriously heartbreaking. Lynette obviously thinks so, too, and she doesn't even know the half of it.
The ladies are gathered in Susan's kitchen, where she's telling them they're moving off the lane -- not selling, just renting. Gaby and Bree are not happy about this at all, and Lynette doesn't understand why she has to do this. Susan says they dug themselves in deep, financially, and it will just be for a while. Bree says, "Checkbooks," and all three reach for theirs. Susan says she loves them for that, but they got themselves into this and will get themselves out. She says they'll be staying in an apartment near the school which is close by, so they'll still see each other often. Gaby says she hopes so, since people always say that, and then... Susan says she means it, and Bree says they do too. All four ladies hold hands. Awww. What a touching moment for our core group.
Less touching is poor Angie, handcuffed to her bed again when she hears footsteps come into her room. When someone touches her, she fights and knocks Danny over. She asks him what he's doing here, and he says she's the one who texted him and asked him to hurry home. He notices her handcuff and asks what's going on, but she asks him to just go. Patrick walks in and asks Angie if she remembers that piece he said was missing? "It just arrived." He pulls a gun on Danny. What a good dad.
Bree's working in her kitchen when she realizes Sam's hovering in the background. God, there are a lot of creepy men on this show. How is it possible that the serial killer is the least creepy of them all? Sam tells her he's been thinking about how effective threats can be, so he's here to do a little business. He says she's going to sign her entire business over to him, but she says she won't. He tells her that Danielle got drunk and chatty at the first dinner Bree threw for him and told him all sorts of secrets, which he can tell the police and Carlos Solis. Bree pretends she doesn't know what he's talking about, but she obviously does. For our benefit, though, Sam says he's talking about Andrew getting in a car and running down Carlos's mom. Man, that makes it sound pretty intentional. He asks if they should draw up the papers now.
Patrick has Danny tied to a chair and then tells him that, when Danny's ready, Patrick wants them to have a traditional father-son relationship. Danny asks if he's serious, and Patrick laughs that he knows it sounded ridiculous. He says this isn't how he wanted this to happen, but he'll untie him and they'll get to know each other soon enough. Danny says if Patrick ever unties him, he'll kill him. Patrick gets that he's mad at him, but he'll eventually realize he's not mad at the guy who spent 20 years looking for him, but at the people who have been lying to him for that long. Downstairs, Angie works on the bomb and asks what he said to Danny. Patrick says they had a nice chat. She swears to God, if he ever hurts Danny. Patrick: "God, everyone makes me sound like such a villain. ... So, how's my bomb coming?" That's a great line. She says it would go faster if she weren't handcuffed, so he unlocks her.
Then Gaby shows up and lets herself in. Patrick whispers to get rid of her in 20 seconds. Angie and Patrick greet Gaby by the door, and Gaby says she's sorry to barge in, but Angie has to try her lasagna, so that when she shoves it down Carlos's throat, he'll know she cares. Patrick says she'll try it later, but Gaby says she's not going. Angie tells him she really won't, so he lets Angie go to the kitchen to cut a piece and try it. In the kitchen, Angie frantically digs for a pen that works to scribble on a tiny piece of paper. Back in the foyer, Gaby's showing Patrick all of her old modeling pictures on her phone, then "Oh, that's my daughter, Juanita. I don't know how that got in there." Patrick yells that Angie's keeping her friend waiting, and Angie says she'll be right there. She writes, folds the paper and tucks it into the lasagna, then turns to see Patrick. It seems like he saw the note, but he didn't. He just wants her to get Gaby out of here before he kills her. Angie tells Gaby she did a great job on the lasagna, but to please take it since Angie's watching her weight. Gaby scoffs, since she thinks Angie just hates it. Then she takes it and storms out. Back home, Gaby tells Juanita that Angie says she liked the lasagna, then pretended she was on a diet. She can take a hint, so she tosses the whole pan in the trash. [Wait, was Angie supposed to eat more of the dinner Gaby had prepared? More than the slice she cut? Did Gaby bake that whole thing for her? - Zach]
Tom and Lynette are waiting nervously in the police station while Preston's being questioned. She's cleaning out her purse in anger, which Tom doesn't think is a great idea. She says, "I have a lot of rage in me. Would you rather I channel it into this or you?" He tells her to put the emergency tampon in the zipper pouch. Hee. Preston comes out and says they just wanted to confirm he was in Europe this summer, since they think the guy who killed Irina is the same one who strangled all those girls while Preston was gone. (Weird they don't suspect Porter, isn't it?) [The suspected arsonist? Yes, that is weird. - Z] Lynette's relieved, but Preston says he keeps thinking Irina would be alive if he hadn't brought her here. Tom tells Lynette he and Porter will take Preston out to play pool and see if he'll talk. She says she'll meet them at home. As she finishes putting everything in her purse, she overhears the cops talk about another body in the woods: Barbara Orlofsky. She gets up and leaves, freaked.
Gaby gets up in the middle of the night to find her girls eating the lasagna from the trash. She tells them they're worse than raccoons, but then asks, since they had some, what did they think? Celia makes a face like something's disgusting, then spits out the scrap of paper. Gaby opens it, and sees Angie's message: "Danny and I held hostage. No cops. Get Nick."
Eddie's packing a bag when there's a knock at his door. He freaks out a little bit, but doesn't answer. Lynette lets herself in and says, "Eddie." He calls her "Mrs. Scavo" (always so polite) and asks what she's doing here. She says, "Oh, sweetie, it's about your mom." He says he knows Lynette's worried she's passed out drunk somewhere, but she can relax; he just spoke to her. Lynette, shocked, says, "You just spoke to her?" She relaxes and sits down as he says she's in Florida at his Uncle Pete's, and he's going to head down there and help check her into rehab. Lynette says, "Thank God! They must have gotten the name wrong." Eddie's on his way out the door, but he turns to ask what she means. She says she was at the police station with Preston, and they found another body and said it was his mom. He looks scared and Lynette says, "But you just talked to her, right? They made a mistake." He drops his duffel bag, and it literally gives me chills how good Felicity Huffman is at going from sweet and innocent and happy and maternal to finally getting it, stunned realization, shocked and scared. "Oh. You didn't just talk to her? And your mom's not in Florida, is she?" Eddie cries, half-creepy and half-sad, and tells her he really wishes she hadn't come here.
MAVO says people make choices every day, and they're what define us. Eddie turns and locks the door. Susan looks lovingly at Mike in bed as MAVO says some people choose to be loyal even though they're angry and hurt. Patrick tightens Danny's ropes or something as she says that some people choose to be brave when they're scared. Bree looks at a picture of her and Sam as MAVO says some choose to strike out when they could have walked away. MAVO wonders what about those poor people who are trapped by circumstance. We're back on Lynette, looking at Eddie with a mixture of pleading and fear. "What about those who have no choices left?" The camera's outside the window looking in the blinds at Lynette's face, as Eddie closes them. I think MAVO could be referring to Eddie and Lynette with that last bit, because they both are left with no more choices. I just hope he doesn't do anything horrible, but this is not looking good. I know Lynette cannot die, but ugh... I know it's just TV, but the baby? I cannot even think about it.
week: Finale. There's a bomb ticking. Orson tells Bree not to give in to blackmail. Lynette begs Eddie to take her to the hospital. Gaby tells Nick Angie's in trouble and she told her everything, then she takes him somewhere in a car and he seems to be passed out. Angie asks where the bomb is (maybe in the car Nick's passed out in?). Susan has to leave the home where she raised her children. Oh, sob, Susan! These other people are dealing with actual crises and tragedies. Announcer guy says it will all have "one fatal ending." Okay, who dies? Must be Nick, right? And possibly Eddie, because... why not?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see the season's most outlandish moments.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, finds herself rooting for the bad guys. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.