By DeAnn Welker
We open on Katherine's sexy dream in which we get to see as much of Julie Benz's nearly naked body as we'd ever want to (okay, I'll admit some people might want to see more). Katherine tells her therapist about it, and he says she's not ready to have feelings for anyone and needs to tell Robin to move out. When she's ready to do so, Robin gives her the good news that she got a job and opens champagne to celebrate. She spills it all over herself and winds up in her bra, re-creating Katherine's dream. Katherine steps up and tells her to leave, then follows her to her room, where they presumably have sex (we only see the before and after, but it's certainly the implication).
In a whole different world, Gaby moves in with Bob and Lee when Celia comes down with chicken pox, and she loves their fancy, nightcapping lifestyle. She goes so far as to lie to Carlos when the girls are better, saying she's sick and should stay away. Then she finds a hidden nursery at Bob and Lee's, and Bob tells her they envy her life more than she envies theirs. She heads home to be with her family. Also not a great mother? Lynette, who forgets Penny's birthday (as does Tom), and then writes "Happy Birthday, Polly" on her cake. She blames pregnancy brain, but Penny runs away and gets a hotel room. When Lynette finds her, Penny says she hates the baby until Lynette points out there will finally be more girls than boys in the house. Penny's happy and the girls stay the night in the already-paid-for hotel room, just the two of them.
In other storylines, Susan forces Roy to propose to Mrs. McCluskey, and then he realizes he wants to be with other women. When Susan finally goes to talk to Mrs. McC about it, she finds her crying. Turns out she has lung cancer. No wonder the acting's so convincing. Susan sees Roy after she finds out the news, and he says he's ready to give up women or anything else, because Mrs. McC's all that matters. The marriage is on (which means I'll probably have to stop calling her Mrs. McC). The Bolens worry after they find out Danny's in New York (will he go back to the "old neighborhood" and get caught up in their ecoterrorism or whatever stupid thing?), and they head there after him. And Bree, disappointed in Andrew's work performance, hires Joan Holloway's husband, who seems to creepily want to be Bree's new son. And he's willing to wait for her love and approval.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think DH is too over-the-top.
Previously: Roy told Mrs. McCluskey he loved her -- because she forced him. Robin hit on Katherine. And Carlos and Gaby bribed Ana into going to New York to keep her away from Danny. Because, get it, Danny and Ana are totally Romeo and Juliet. If they end up killing themselves in a big misunderstanding it will be, like, so tragic. Mary Alice Voices Over about Gaby's parenting skills: Basically, it's all rescuing dolls from the garbage disposal and feeding her children cereal for breakfast. Then, to show us how truly stressful it all is, Juanita wants ham with her cereal and she needs three dozen cupcakes for school TODAY. Then Carlos comes in and asks Gaby to pick up his dry cleaning. How will she ever have time to go to the spa? She's all stressed about it until Celia comes in with chicken pox and Gaby says she's never had them. Carlos kicks her out and says he'll take care of everything so she doesn't get them. Dude, she could have at least picked up the dry cleaning. MAVO finishes that the most important thing Gaby's learned as a mother is to RUN. Or "get while the getting was good." Same thing. Title card.
More MAVO, who talks about soap operas and the art of seduction. And, in a clever device, we start on a soap on a TV in Katherine's kitchen. She's cooking breakfast for Robin, who comes in all sexy in bra and underwear and a sexy, silky sheath of a robe. It gets even sexier when Robin talks about hot, hot syrup and then spills some on herself, talks about how dirty she is, then removes her robe and wipes it off her bra then licks her finger. Katherine's about to die because she's so turned on/confused. Then she wakes up from her dream, and is still watching the soap. Robin comes in (in a much less sexy robe), but Katherine's still uncomfortable.
The same soap is on in the Scavos' kitchen, where Lynette's eating cereal. Tom has a great idea for the baby's name: Patricia. But Lynette's already decided it will be named after her aunt Polly. Tom makes a parrot joke, of course. But we all know the baby will be Polly, because Lynette wears the pants. Penny comes bounding down the stairs all smiles, and wonders where her pancakes are. She always gets them on her birthday. Tom and Lynette look at each other all, "Uh-oh," then they try to pretend they had a bigger treat planned instead of admitting they forgot her birthday. Lynette tries to bullshit Penny about how she gets birthday dinner instead of breakfast now that she's eleven, but Penny's not buying it: "You forgot my birthday? Wow."
Also watching the soap? Andrew and a guy named Tad, who apparently works for Bree. She's more than a little annoyed they're watching soaps on the job, which is awfully persnickety of her. I mean, doesn't everyone watch soaps at work? Bree makes Tad (who's not the sharpest pencil in the box) leave so she can tell Andrew that Tad accidentally ordered 100 flower arrangements when they needed ten. Andrew says he'll take care of it, but Bree tries to emasculate him by telling him he's not in charge. We do learn that Bree put Andrew in charge when Orson had his accident, so that's something. Tad comes barging in and some of the flower arrangements fall off the cart and break. What a big, cute dummy.
Roy's watching the soap, too, but Mrs. McCluskey wants him to cut it out, since they have guests over for brunch. It's Susan and Mike, which is weird since soaps are on weekdays and they both work, but whatever. I'll buy that there are soaps on weekends now that there eleventy million channels. I'm sure they're in repeats somewhere (I'm just not so sure everyone would be watching them everywhere). There's some creepy talk about what Roy wants from Karen, but it turns out it's just salt, which he only gets when company comes over, since he's on a low-sodium diet. Roy hates his low-sodium diet, but Mrs. McC doesn't want him dropping dead. Susan says they sound like a sweet, old married couple and then asks Roy if he wants to marry Karen. Mike tries to stop Susan, but she pushes and pushes and pushes. Roy ends up proposing (after a little stalling over seeing his hearing-aid battery on the floor), and, of course, Karen says yes. Karen and Susan high-five while Karen and Roy kiss. Susan, always a busybody, is thrilled.
Bob and Lee's. They discuss their new houseguest, Gaby. Lee explains she brought three suitcases to stay a few days because most of her dresses haven't had chicken pox, either. Heh. I do enjoy Gaby Logic. She comes downstairs, all rested from her nap, and says she hasn't had a nap since Juanita crowned. Lee tells her that visual she just created? Not allowed inside these walls. Bob brings her "pre-dinner cosmos," and she's excited to have crystal martini glasses, since her kids have broken all of hers. It's movie night, and Bob and Lee have a movie without a talking penguin or a dog that plays basketball. Instead it has "gratuitous sex and lots of violence," to which Gaby replies, "Art." She drains her cosmo and they give her an immediate refill. She says, "I know I don't know you guys that well, but I love you."
Birthday dinner is in progress at the Scavo home. Porter has inhaled helium and the whole family is laughing at his voice. Lynette tells Penny it's time for cake, and she got her favorite. Penny: "Chocolate?" Lynette: "I got your second favorite." As if chocolate is hard to remember. Porter whispers to his mom that he has a date and wants to leave now, but she tells him he has to stay, since Preston's in Europe and Parker's at band practice: He represents all siblings. Plus, Lynette feels bad about the forgetting thing, but Porter says he gave her a present this morning, so not to take it out on him that they failed as parents. Lynette sweetly whispers that they used up all their good parenting on him, which is why he's so delightful. Tom videos as Lynette sets the white cake with red frosting down in front of Penny, who looks at it and says, "Who's Polly?" And sure enough, it says, "Happy Birthday, Polly." Tom starts to erase, and Lynette tries to "fix it," which she does by spreading the red icing around so it looks like a mess. Or blood. Even Tom is disgusted with Lynette as she tries to explain to Penny that pregnant women are a little scattered and she and Dad had been talking about baby names. Lynette offers Penny a puppy, but Penny's over it, and leaves. Lynette calls after her to "Come back..." and Porter says, "Penny." Lynette: "I know her name." Right.
Bolens. Angie and Nick find a letter from Danny saying he went camping with Eddie to clear his head about the whole Ana thing, and Angie's freaked out about it. But Nick says "Good for him." He agrees he should have asked, but he thinks going hiking with Eddie is better than alone in his room with a bottle of pills like last time a girl broke his heart. Nick says he's 19 and they have to let him live a normal life at some point, but Angie says he's never going to have a normal life; none of them will. Because, you know, ecoterrorism or whatever is so difficult to recover from that even your presumably innocent children must stay on the lam their whole lives.
At Bree's office, she's threatening to stop doing business with the florist when Joan Holloway's husband, now named Sam Allen, comes in. He's Bree's biggest fan and has been "following" her career. She picks up on the creepy stalker vibe he's giving off (maybe she watches Mad Men, so thinks of him as a creepy rapist type like we all do). He assures her he's just a fan, and says he worked his way through business school by being a sous chef, and then he praises her traditional values. She's flattered, but fully staffed and wouldn't know how to use him. He starts to leave, but then solves her extra floral arrangement problem for her: She should donate them to a hospital and record the loss as a charitable donation. Impressed, she asks him to sit.
Susan shows up at Mrs. McC's with a wedding magazine, but she's "in the can," according to Roy, who thinks Susan's done enough already. She doesn't get how forcing him to propose could be a problem, so he tells her that, like salt, he always wants what he can't have, so now he's looking at an old blue-haired lady in his stretching class. Susan tells him he's 80, so infidelity is dangerous. He says he's still a randy teenage boy inside and has to kiss some other women before he dies. She tells him to think about how much Karen loves him, and he reaches out and kisses her. Teri Hatcher looks even more like a plastic surgery patient with her shocked face when he says "That's the stuff" and leaves her standing there.
Later that night, Susan is appalled that Mike would laugh at Roy's behavior, but Mike asks if she wants him to beat Roy up. She tells Mike how bad it is that Roy's a Jurassic gigolo, and she wants to tell Mrs. McC that he's planning to cheat. But Mike says she's meddled enough, and that there's not a married man on Earth who didn't have second thoughts. She glares, and he tries to say he didn't mean it, then says he's done and leaves. Across the street, Gaby, Bob and Lee are coming home from somewhere with some friends in a convertible. Gaby loves them all, and says she'll friend them on Facebook. Once the three of them are inside, Bob and Lee suggest having a party for Gaby tonight, since she's loving this so much. She's excited, then they listen to the answering machine and Carlos says the girls aren't contagious, so she can come home. But Gaby's not ready to give up this life yet, so she calls Carlos and says she has a stomach thing and she doesn't want the girls to catch it. When she's off the phone, she tells Lee to make her drinks, since she told Carlos she was throwing up and doesn't want to be a liar.
On the way in to work, Bree and Andrew bicker about Sam. Andrew doesn't want his help, because he mistakenly thinks he has things under control, but Bree says she's not going to stand by while Andrew destroys her business. They realize Sam's in the corner. He says he stayed late to go through inventory, which Bree finds to be "industrious" instead of weird. Sam would also like to discuss Tad, who's a big problem, as we all witnessed. Andrew doesn't want to fire him, so Sam accuses him of having an affair with him. Bree tries to say that's not happening, but Andrew's not denying it. He admits to Bree he had sex with Tad, and she tells him how disappointed she is since, he's living with Alex. He points out she's married to Orson, and she's shocked to learn he knows about Karl. She's also upset he'd bring this up in front of a stranger. But Andrew, like me, says hypocrisy makes him forget his manners. Sam offers to leave, and Bree says that's a good idea but he should be back here bright and early to help her fire Tad. Andrew says no, but she threateningly says she can fire anyone she wants. Andrew looks at Sam, who looks satisfied. I sort of can't wait to see what sort of creepiness this guy has up his sleeve.
Katherine's in therapy, telling her doctor about her dream. She asks what it means, and the doctor says it seems pretty straightforward. She says she's not a lesbian, and that maybe it means women are the only safe option left. The doctor doesn't think she should be thinking about relationships with anyone right now, until she's better. He tells her she doesn't have to stop dreaming, but should consider asking Robin to move out.
The Bolens are shopping for dolphin-safe tuna when Angie sees and accosts Eddie. She asks where Danny is, and Eddie says it turned out he couldn't go camping so Danny went by himself. Eddie easily caves and tells the Bolens that Danny went to find Ana in New York. Angie freaks out and runs off. Nick tells her that New York's a big city, but Angie wonders what if Danny goes to the old neighborhood. Nick says Patrick's not going to find him, but she says he found them the last time. Whatever. This is getting more and more ridiculous, and there's no way it's ever going to make sense or live up to its own hype. Sort of like Lost on a way, way smaller scale. She tells him they have to go pack. Hey, maybe in New York, we'll find all the answers about the Bolens.
Bree looks thoughtful when Sam shows up for work the morning. She tells him she couldn't sleep, but is having trouble focusing on their liability insurance. So Sam makes coffee, as Bree tries to explain what happened yesterday. Sam tells her he knows that driven, successful people have complicated lives, and the rest is none of his business. But he then acts like it is his business by saying that children in this situation sometimes feel entitled, and it's hard for her to know whether to keep coddling him or cut the apron strings. She thinks that's a good question. Sam then sends her home to catch up on her sleep, since she hired him to do all this work. She tells him she's glad he's here and heads home. He pours himself coffee in a very deliberately selected "World's Greatest Son" mug. CREE-PEE.
Lynette's waiting at the bus stop for Penny, who doesn't get off the bus. The driver says he thought she'd stayed home sick or something, but one of her friends gives Lynette a letter that says Penny's run away. It's hard to blame her. After commercials, Lynette and Tom are presumably with someone at the police department who asks if there's any reason Penny would run away. They tell her what happened, to which the woman hilariously says, "How could you get your daughter's name wrong? Are you people involved in narcotics?" Ha. That's totally the only reason. Lynette says she's pregnant and forgetful, which surely the slightly heavy woman can understand. The woman, insulted: "I'm not pregnant." Lynette's like, "You're not going to look for our daughter, are you?" But the woman's phone rings and they learn Penny's used their credit card to try to book a hotel room.
At the hotel, Lynette finds Penny in a fancy room with a marble tub and a flat screen. Lynette's impressed. She apologizes to Penny about the cake and forgetting her birthday. She knows Penny hates her right now, but Penny says she doesn't hate her; she hates that. She points at Lynette's belly. Lynette says it's because Penny doesn't want to be the baby anymore, and Penny doesn't deny it, so Lynette points out the good news: With another girl, and once Porter leaves, they're poised to take over the house with a 3-2 majority, which means veto power on the TV and what takeout to get, and the toilet seat will never be up. She says this is their time to take them down, then tickles Penny, who says she's sorry she ran away and is ready to go home now. But Lynette wants to go ahead and stay in the room and order hot fudge sundaes -- "just us girls." Penny's in, but she suggests two more girls to really take the lead.
At her party, Gaby's regaling the gays with tales of sheiks who wanted to sleep with her but gave her 20 grand instead. The phone rings, and it's Juanita, calling to tell her mommy she scored a goal in soccer. Gaby searches high and low for a quiet room and finally finds a door that says "wet paint." Inside, it's a nursery, all ready for a baby. Bob follows her in, asking if the words "wet paint" mean nothing to her. She gets off the phone with Juanita, and apologizes to Bob. She asks if it's what it looks like, and he says it is. He reveals that they are trying to adopt, which they've wanted for years. Gaby: "Oh, okay. Why? I mean, you guys have this amazing life." She tells him the parties and cosmos go away when the baby comes, and he says he can't wait. He tells a sad story about a baby in Ohio that they went to adopt and even held in their arms for two days. But, when they went to buy a car seat, the mother changed her mind. Gaby tells him how sorry she is, and he tells her that her envy of their life is nothing compared to theirs for her life. Which leads Gaby to head home to listen to Juanita's soccer story in person. She gives Lee a very sweet hug on the way out.
Susan shows up at Mrs. McC's, likely to meddle some more in some way, but she finds her crying on the couch. Turns out Mrs. McC, like the actress who plays her, has just learned she has lung cancer. Outside the house, Roy tells Susan that Mrs. McC will be okay because "cancer picked a fight with the wrong broad." Susan tells Roy that maybe, given the diagnosis, it's not a good time to get married, but he tells her they're getting married as soon as they can. He says he knows what he said, but after this happened, he realizes the worst thing he could lose is Karen. He's willing to give up anything. Susan touches his face, and he tells her to watch it. "I told you I'm giving it up. One kiss is all you get." Awww, Roy's adorable.
Katherine's up late drinking wine when Robin comes home. Katherine says she stayed up to talk to her about something, and Robin says if it's about helping with the bills, she can do that now, because she just got a hostessing job and brought champagne home to celebrate. She thanks Katherine for letting her borrow her blouse. She wonders what Katherine wanted to talk about, but Katherine says it can wait. So Robin pops the cork on the champagne and spills it all over the shirt, repeating the dream by stripping in front of Katherine, who tells her she needs to leave. Robin apologizes if she did something wrong, but says she has a friend she can stay with, so she'll go pack. Katherine tells her she didn't do anything wrong; it's just that Katherine likes her too much, and it's confusing her. They both get weepy, and Robin understands, since she's been having those feelings for Katherine too. She goes upstairs to pack, but after some thought in her big lonely downstairs, Katherine follows her to her room and shuts the door.
MAVO picks back up: "Seduction is an art. Subtle methods of coercion are used..." (gays trying to wave Gaby over to their party -- those waves across the street are "subtle"?) "... to sway the susceptible." (Gaby waves back, but heads inside her house.) "And those who are determined will take their time to get what they want." (Sam watches Bree walk away at work.) "And when the seduction is successful, those who succumbed ask themselves..." (Close-up of women's feet under a sheet and then we pan up to a sleeping Robin and a worried Katherine.) "'Was I seduced, or was this what I wanted all along?'" That voiceover ending certainly makes everyone seem sinister. Sam? Yeah. But Robin and the gays? Not so much. No episode week, since the Oscars are on.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think DH is too over-the-top!
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, could find herself lured in by Bob and Lee's glamorous lifestyle. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.