By DeAnn Welker
The storylines are all more connected this week than they have been in a long time -- all based, at least loosely, around Fairview Hospital.
Mike's there after barely surviving (thanks to Dave) last week's fire, and Katherine brings him cookies. Susan visits him too (she's also visiting Jackson, who isn't in the episode), and tastes the macadamia nut cookies Katherine made. Mike then accidentally slips and tells her he's dating one of her friends. When she tastes macadamia nut cookies at Katherine's house later, she puts two and two together. But that it took her as long as it did really does prove just how self-involved she is.
In the hospital after the fire, Carlos finds out that he might be able to have a surgery that would make him see again. It would be at least a month before they could squeeze him in, though, which gives Gaby time to hopefully get skinny and pretty again (she's so terrible-looking now, after all). Then the surgery gets moved up, so she warns Carlos not to expect much. He tells her why he fell in love with her. It's very sweet, and is all about her eating ribs and not at all about her looks. So they go in for the surgery, with her self-esteem restored.
Lynette and Tom get patched up at the hospital and are questioned about whether Porter threatened the club owner. He did, but Lynette lies for him. She then pays Anne to leave town and never come back, after threatening her with statutory rape charges if she stays. She questions Porter about the fire, and he says he didn't do it (because he didn't, obviously), and she's relieved he's telling the truth. But she doesn't return the favor because when he asks if she knows where Anne is, she feigns ignorance. Oh, and Anne admits to Lynette there's no baby, and there never was. THANK GOD.
Orson's nose injury has caused him to snore worse than Bree ever imagined was possible. He refuses surgery to correct it, because he's afraid he'll die, apparently. But Bree can't sleep with the noise, so she kicks him out of their room. He doesn't like this, so he drugs her with a sleeping pill, just as she's going to do a cooking demonstration in a department store. She gains the upper hand because of this, though, and at the end they schedule the surgery with their doctor. Who tells them he just moved in with someone, but isn't married. And then he calls that "someone" after they leave and asks for a promise that they'll never turn into an insane couple. And the person on the other line is totally Andrew!
Creepy Dave is stressed out since the fire, and he even seems remorseful as the death toll rises (seven people have died by the end of the episode). Edie tells him it sounds like the detectives are on the trail of the arsonist, whom they think is Porter Scavo. Creepy Dave looks guilt-ridden by the news, but by episode's end he tells the detectives (who think he's a true-blue hero) that he saw Porter Scavo going into the backroom. Uh, where is Jackson when we need him to tell the detectives that Creepy Dave was coming out of that room? He had to have told them that, right? Even though it didn't happen on screen. Oh, and Creepy Dave also asks Mike to be his BFF in repayment for the life-saving. He's completely sick and twisted, if you hadn't picked up on that yet.
See the most desperate moments of the Desperate Housewives stars. Then come back on Tuesday for the weecap of this episode.
Previously: Porter had an affair with Anne Shilling, and then her husband beat her up. Porter threatened him with death. Meanwhile, Creepy Dave killed the doctor and lit the bar on fire. But he also saved Mike and became a hero. It was all part of his sinister plan.
Mary Alice tells us that something awful happened to Gaby. She was reminded of it when she looked in the mirror, glanced at an old modeling photo, or walked past a man (who didn't notice her). She has lost her looks. Which is so completely ridiculous. You can't take a woman this pretty, add a few pounds, cut her hair, tone down the makeup and say she's "lost her looks." She has NOT lost her looks. She's still prettier than almost anyone in the world, so shut up, stupid show. Anyway, she takes comfort in the fact that she doesn't need to be beautiful since her husband is blind. She walks into the hospital room where a doctor's looking at Carlos after his fall during the fire. The doctor says he's fine and, in fact, they found a bone fragment that they might be able to remove, possibly giving Carlos his sight back. He and Gaby are both excited. The doctor says he can fit Carlos in for surgery in about a month. Mary Alice continues: Gaby lost her beauty, but she now knows it's time to get it back.
After the opening credits, Mary Alice reminds us of the fire and tells us everyone is at Fairview Memorial Hospital. She says everyone is well on their way to recovery except for the man who started the fire, whose suffering is just beginning. Creepy Dave walks out of the an elevator in the hospital, where he's approached by two detectives. They want to know what happened, but don't worry: They're talking to everyone who was there. Creepy Dave says everything happened fast, and the detectives are very sympathetic. Creepy Dave asks if they know what happened. They do know it's arson and that it started in the storage room, and there was a body there that they don't think was the arsonist. Creepy Dave looks worried. On their way out, the detectives give him their card in case he "remembers" anything else, and then they remember he's the guy who saved Mike and they call him a "real, honest-to-goodness hero." He says, all sad, "If you say so." Dude, Creepy Dave, if you're going to be a villain, please stop being so emo about it.
Katherine's in another room, apologizing to Mike for not visiting earlier. She burned the first batch of cookies, and didn't think he'd appreciate the irony. He says he's so hungry, he wouldn't have noticed and then asks for a kiss. She's worried someone will see them, but he doesn't care. She admits she hasn't told Susan they're dating yet, because she's "waiting for the right time" since Susan's friendship is so important to her. She turns to leave and Mike tells her to walk out slowly and give him something to live for. Katherine leaves the room in a happy glow and runs right into Susan. Katherine asks how Jackson is. He's "just getting some stitches," which is code for "actor was in a motorcycle accident, but we want him to come back someday." Susan asks who Katherine's visiting, and she says everybody from the neighborhood who was hurt. She brought them all gifts. Susan didn't bring any gifts, but she gave blood, so she thinks that counts for something.
Katherine's in another room, apologizing to Mike for not visiting earlier. She burned the first batch of cookies, and didn't think he'd appreciate the irony. He says he's so hungry, he wouldn't have noticed and then asks for a kiss. She's worried someone will see them, but he doesn't care. She admits she hasn't told Susan they're dating yet, because she's "waiting for the right time" since Susan's friendship is so important to her. She turns to leave and Mike tells her to walk out slowly and give him something to live for. Katherine leaves the room in a happy glow and runs right into Susan. Katherine asks how Jackson is. He's "just getting some stitches," which is code for "actor was in a motorcycle accident, but we want him to come back someday." Susan asks who Katherine's visiting, and she says everybody from the neighborhood who was hurt. She brought them all gifts. Susan didn't bring any gifts, but she gave blood, so she thinks that counts for something.
Susan leaves Katherine and goes to visit Mike. She asks about his cookies, and he says they're from "a friend." She takes a bite of one, but spits it right out because she hates macadamia nuts. She thinks they're white chocolate chips until it's too late, "Stupid Hawaii." Hey, now, don't blame Hawaii for Katherine's cookies. And, also, macadamia nuts are so much better than white chocolate chips. She again asks who made the cookies, but Mike just says "a friend" again. She wants to know what friend, and he won't answer. Then she acts all shocked and asks if this is "a woman friend." Maybe this is sexist of me, but I can't imagine a man friend bringing cookies to another man in the hospital. So, yes, Susan, brilliant deduction. She wonders if he's seeing someone, and says she wants to know because it makes her feel good knowing two people have found love and happiness, so could he please tell her who she's happy for? He says he can't tell her because she wants to tell him, and now Susan knows it's a friend. He still won't tell her who, but it's too late, Mike. She's already pissed.
Bree's greeted outside of Orson's room by his doctor, who says he's doing fine, just sleeping. They go in the room, and Orson starts snoring like a chainsaw. She says he's never snored like this before, and the doctor says the injury might have made it worse, but a simple surgical procedure will fix it. She wants that done now, please. The doctor says there's a wait of a few weeks, but luckily she can take him home tonight! Bree looks annoyed. I know she's Bree and everything, but I'd think even she would forgive snoring for one moment while she gets to take her injured husband home from the hospital.
Creepy Dave walks into Mike's room and says he heard Mike wanted to see him about something. Mike's all, "Right, what was it? Oh, yeah, thanks for saving my life." Creepy Dave says it was nothing, and he tried to do the same thing for Jackson, but Mike says that he left him passed out on the floor like an idiot while Creepy Dave succeeded in his heroism. Creepy Dave says he doesn't feel like a hero, but Mike offers him free plumbing for the rest of his life or anything else to thank him. Creepy Dave turns and tells Mike that ever since his brother died, he hasn't had a really good friend, and asks if Mike can handle that job. Mike says he can. Okay, this just got interesting, because now I think it might have something to do with Creepy Dave's dead brother instead of with Lila Dash being Creepy Dave's possible wife. Could his brother be someone who was in prison with Mike, maybe? But I'm even more disturbed than usual with Creepy Dave that he would ask the guy who's his mortal enemy or something to be his BFF. Creepy Dave leaves the room and literally shakes off his emotion.
Tom's getting stitched and bandaged up with Lynette at his side when the two detectives who talked to Dave earlier come in to ask them some follow-up questions, even though they've already given their testimonies. This time, the detectives want to know about Porter, and whether he might have threatened the club owner. Lynette says she witnessed "a grown man beating up on her teenage boy." She then lies and says that her son didn't threaten to kill Mr. Shilling. She says she was right there the whole time and her son said no such thing. She's positive. The detectives leave, and Tom asks Lynette if she was just lying to the police. She won't say anything, and then the doctor walks back in the room. Lynette tells the doctor to go ahead and give Tom some pain pills, because "he's gonna need 'em." So true.
On the front porch of Casa de Solis, Gaby's crying to Susan, who can't understand why she would be sad that Carlos might get his sight back. Gaby says she feels terrible that Carlos has gone through so much and he deserves to regain his sight to see a wife who doesn't tuck her boobs into her pants. Susan thankfully tells her that most women would kill to look like Gaby, but Gaby points out she's not most women and she was an international supermodel when Carlos met her. The world's shortest international supermodel, apparently. Susan says everyone's gained a little weight, except Susan herself, but you can't go by her "weird metabolism." I'm glad this show is at least pointing out that its ideals of female beauty are unrealistic. But I'm annoyed that Gaby thinks she has to look like a supermodel when Carlos isn't exactly in the best shape of his life either. Just then Edie runs onto the porch to congratulate Gaby on the possible return of Carlos's sight. Gaby's not happy, though, so Susan explains that Gaby thinks Carlos won't find her attractive once he can see her, and Edie being Edie, she agrees emphatically, saying it was the first thing she thought of too, actually. Can she go away again, please? Gaby likes her honesty, though, so Susan joins in and tells Gaby she's a pig. Edie tells Gaby she has a month, which is plenty of time to diet and exercise and she can even look hot-ish in that time. Susan tells Gaby's she's beautiful just the way she is, but Gaby wants her to stop it with that cheesy stuff already.
Tom and Lynette are at the kitchen table, where Lynette's recounting what happened: Porter told Mr. Shilling he was dead, and ten minutes later the place was on fire. Tom doesn't think Porter's capable of anything like this, but Lynette reminds him about Rick's restaurant. Tom brushes that off, saying that was five years ago and no one got hurt since the building was empty. Lynette says that time the building was empty. Tom asks if she's actually telling him that their son is a murderer. She says all she's telling him is about the threat; she doesn't know what happened . Tom moves on to protective mode and asks what if Porter left behind evidence or someone saw him. Lynette says they are going to protect their son no matter what, even if he killed six people.
Gaby's feeding the girls her new diet food of fish and broccoli. The girls don't want to touch it, so she takes a bite and they can tell she hates it. They're still not having any of it, and don't care about supporting her in her weight loss efforts. They'd like macaroni instead, please. She blames them for making her fat, and she says they're all going to eat healthy and like it.
Creepy Dave's watching the news, where we're learning that another death at the hospital (it better not be Jackson!) raises the death toll to seven. Edie comes in and asks him to stop watching it, and then asks if he's okay. He is clearly feeling remorse about what he's caused because he says he can't believe this fire really happened and that the death toll is at seven now. She tells him if it makes him feel better, they think they know who did it: Porter Scavo. Creepy Dave looks shocked and truly guilt-stricken that a kid might take the fall for this. Edie tells Creepy Dave she's known Porter since he was little and she's always known he was trouble. And she's a really good judge of character. That last line is not me being sarcastic, even. It's what she actually said. But it works either way, because remember that she's married to Creepy Dave.
Orson comes down the stairs at home to find Bree making up her couch bed. He asks why she slept on the uncomfortable couch. She has him sit and explains his new snoring. She compares it to "a terrified elephant summoning his herd." He tells her snoring isn't something he can help, but she says that's not true. There's a very simple outpatient procedure, but Orson's not having any of it. He pretends to know someone who died during an outpatient procedure, but I'm not buying it, so I don't really get why he doesn't want the procedure. It seems like he's legitimately scared he could die. She tells him this surgery is necessary, because she needs rest. She also says that if they can't share a bed it will hurt the intimacy of their marriage. He points out that his death will have the same effect.
Back at the hospital, Lynette's paying a visit to the only person there who wasn't in the fire: Anne Shilling. Lynette asks her if she's going home, but Anne says the two cracked ribs and black eye is everything she needs from there, thank you. Anne heard about the night club burning down, but hadn't heard that her husband was blaming Porter. She's shocked, and says Porter would never do that. Lynette then gives her a big fat envelope of money and tells her to take the money and run or face statutory rape charges without the money. Lynette's going to pick Anne up and give her a ride to the bus station tonight, and she's holding on to the money in the meantime.
Susan shows up at Katherine's door, needing some "girlfriend time." In the kitchen, Katherine's baking cookies. And, seriously, Susan, are you blind to anything that is not about you? Nevermind. I already know the answer to this, so I shouldn't be surprised she doesn't see what's going on yet. Susan tells Katherine she was upset to find out Mike is dating a friend of hers, and she thinks it must be Lisa Wallace. Katherine feigns shock, but then comes to Lisa's defense about every point Susan makes against her. Susan picks up a cookie while she talks, and takes a bite. Guess what? Macadamia nuts. She spits it out just like before and realizes Mike's been eating Katherine's cookies. She storms out, with Katherine following, trying to explain herself: She was going to tell her. She didn't think it would be a big deal. She's been so lonely. Katherine says she should have listened to Bree, who told her weeks ago to tell Susan. Susan storms off to Bree's, where she wakes her from a much-needed nap to ask why she didn't tell her about Katherine and Mike. Bree tells her it wasn't her place to tell Susan, it was Katherine's. She's sorry, but Susan says that's not good enough. This is just the same as lying to her face, and she always thought Bree was honest. So sleepy Bree gives her honesty, telling her she didn't really want to divorce Mike and never stopped loving him, and that she's not really mad at Bree or Katherine or Mike, but at herself for letting the marriage fail. Susan asks what she's supposed to do, and Bree tells her to either tell Mike how she feels or move on, because that's what he's trying to do and this isn't fair to him. Bree goes back inside to continue her nap, leaving Susan deep in thought. Or at least as "deep" as Susan can get in thought, which is probably fairly shallow.
Gaby and Carlos are back at the doctor again (or maybe he never left?), and he's telling her how excited he is as she does backward push-ups on the side table. The doctor comes in and tells them he has good news. There was a cancellation and they can fit him in Friday. Gaby tries to come up with reasons not to do it (Friday is a bad day for surgery, they don't have enough money to pay their co-pay, and other stuff that doesn't make sense). Carlos tells Gaby to drop it, because they're doing it Friday.
Orson comes into the bedroom, where Bree's in bed reading. He begs to sleep in the bed (this is an interesting turn of events, no?), promising he won't snore. He tells her that he's heard chamomile tea helps with snoring, so he'll go make some. She relents. In the kitchen, he crushes up a sleeping pill in her cup of tea and brings it back up. When he gets back to the room, she tells him she'll be asleep soon because she just took a sleeping pill. He quickly takes the tea from her, but sits it on the nightstand instead of going and dumping it like anyone else would do. She falls asleep immediately.
Lynette's dropping Anne at the bus station. Anne asks Lynette if she'd tell Porter something for her, but Lynette just gives her a disdainful look. Anne then tells Lynette how she really does love Porter for being sweet. She tells Lynette kindness has always been a weakness of hers, which you'd never have been able to tell by her choice of husband. Anne gets out, and Lynette tells her not to contact Porter when the baby comes, but she can contact Lynette or Tom and they'll help from a distance. Anne says there is no baby, and there never was. Too bad Lynette already gave her the money; now there's no reason for not turning her in instead.
Andrew calls the Hodges and Orson answers. Andrew says he just got a call from a department store where Bree's late for a cooking demonstration. Andrew's in Mount Pleasant buying end tables, so Orson has to get Bree there. Orson doesn't even let Andrew finish; he's already running up the stairs to wake Bree. She apparently forgot to set her alarm. He gets her clothes and she says she's thirsty. He says he'll bring her juice, but she says she'll drink the tea. She drinks it all before he can come out of the closet to stop her, and then he says he'll make her coffee instead.
In the department store, Bree's hanging on Orson, and Marcia Cross is actually pretty awesome at acting drugged. She tells him the coffee must be decaf, and says she can't understand why she feels loopy. He asks her if she can handle this but she assures him she can, and that he's a nervous nelly, "Rex." Uh-oh. I'm thinking she won't be able to handle this. She's welcomed by a department store lady and a large-ish department store crowd. Bree thanks the lady for having her in her lovely home and begins rambling about how the book is all about food and families, and how she's going to cook pancakes with her daughter since it's all about families. Then she says, "Only she's not here because she grew up and stole my baby." Hee. I love drugged Bree. She asks who in the audience wants to be her daughter and all the little girls' hands shoot up.
Katherine gets a phone call from Susan, who tells her she's been thinking about it and she's okay with her dating Mike. Actually, she thinks it's great. That's fine and all, but I would have liked to see Susan struggle more with this decision before choosing not to tell Mike how she feels. Although, if this means Jackson gets to stick around, I'm happy about that. And I ultimately think that whatever tragedy's going to befall Mike later in the season at the hands of Creepy Dave is going to bring them back together if anything this season does. Katherine's so glad Susan's okay with it, and asks her to come over, but Susan pretends she's much too busy. Clearly she's not quite so okay with it, and I can't say I blame her. It's weird to date a friend's ex, isn't it? I always thought that was an automatic faux-pas.
Lynette walks into Porter's room without knocking (which seems a little strange to do to your teenage son), and he's leaving a phone message pleading with someone to call him back. She asks who it was and he pretends it was a friend who has his bus pass. She tells him they need to talk, and he sits by her on the bed. She tells him how important it is that he tell her the truth and then asks if he set the fire. She tells him that if he did, she and Tom will stand behind him and try to find a way out of this nightmare, but if he lies and she finds out later, she will still love him but not believe in him. And if she doesn't believe in him, she can't help him. She says they have to tell each other the truth from here on out. He tells her he didn't start the fire, and she gives him a great big relieved hug. The truth talk seemed to get through, too, because he admits he was leaving a message for Anne, and asks if Lynette knows where she is. Lynette says she doesn't, which is not necessarily a lie. Maybe all she did was drop Anne at the bus station, with no knowledge of where she was headed. So, not a lie, right? Or am I trying to forgive her on a technicality?
Carlos tells Gaby he's really excited to see Christmas lights and holiday decorations as she crawls into bed and winces in pain. She says it's just her hamstring because she's been working out, and then tells him that as excited as he is to see Christmas decorations, he should realize they might have lost their luster. He asks if they should buy new decorations, but she says she's talking about herself. He says he'll always find her beautiful, but she's skeptical. She winces again and he scoots over to her and starts massaging her thigh. He tells her the night he first knew he would marry her: the night they went to that restaurant on Third Street. She wore a white linen sundress and ordered a giant plate of ribs. She ate them with gusto, up to her elbows in sauce, with meat hanging from her teeth and grease in her hair. He told her she was a mess and she pulled out a mirror and looked into it, and let out a huge unrestrained laugh. He says he thought to himself that was a sound he could hear for the rest of his life. He says that's when he knew, and it had nothing to do with her looks. She asks if he knows when she decided she wanted to be with him forever, and tells him it was about two seconds ago, because "Up until then it was pretty touch and go." She gives him a totally sweet kiss and a nuzzle, and it sort of melted my cold heart. They have become the most adorable couple. I am hoping that Carlos getting his sight back and Gaby possibly getting hot again won't ruin this good thing they have going.
At the doctor's office, Bree's telling the doctor that Orson's agreed to the procedure. She's very animated and says that any time the doctor wants to get in there and "start hacking away" is great. She turns to Orson and says, "Right, love?" He replies with a curt, "Yes dear." The doctor asks if two weeks from Friday works and Bree says Friday is Orson's golf day, so that's perfect, "right, Orson?" He manages, "Right ... dear." The doctor tells Orson he senses he's apprehensive about the surgery, and Bree says he's not apprehensive, but actually completely terrified. She doesn't care, though, because he owes her a big one. That's what she said! What on Earth has Michael Scott done to me? The doctor asks what's going on here, and Bree asks if he's married. He says he's not, but he just moved in with someone. Bree tells him that he'll learn over time about the balance of power in relationships and that if his beloved ever pulls a nasty trick on him like, "say, drugging you into a stupor, then the balance of power shifts to you; and you can demand they prove their love by, say, undergoing surgery." The doctor still doesn't get it, but Bree says he will. The Hodges get up to leave, and the doctor calls his said beloved and says, "Hey hon, can you promise me something? Tell me we'll never grow into one of those insane couples that just lives to make each other crazy." On the other end is Andrew (!!!), who tells him not to worry because he already makes him crazy. Oh, and he picked up their new end tables. How is it possible that Bree and Orson don't know their doctor is Andrew's live-in boyfriend?