By DeAnn Welker
Jackson and Susan plan an engagement party to give themselves some photos to put in the albums they'll need in case immigration comes calling to deport him. They announce the engagement to the neighborhood, and Mike's unpleasantly surprised, although he says he's happy not to pay alimony anymore. Susan goes to confess the real reason for the marriage to Katherine, who is on the phone with Creepy Dave at the time. Creepy Dave hears it all and reports Jackson to immigration. At the end of the episode, he's taken away, just before he and Susan are to be married. Gale Harold better not be gone again. A girl's heart can only handle so much. Oh, and Mike proposes to Katherine while he thinks Susan and Jackson's marriage is real, but he's really still in love with Susan. It's all leading up to a finale in which Creepy Dave tries to kill Mike, I think.
Meanwhile, Bree continues to try to divorce Orson. Karl talks her into robbing her own house, which she does quite well. Orson gets all sweet about replacing a mask they got in Italy, but by the end he finds her storage unit and knows she's the robber. My, how the tables have turned. Gaby learns a valuable lesson about money by going to a soup kitchen (not to volunteer or anything; she wants Juanita to learn the value of money, but doesn't want to learn it herself). She sees a woman there who used to be rich, and wonders how she lost everything. The woman tells her it can happen to anyone. Maybe Gaby will stop spending like the old Gaby. But I wouldn't count on it. Finally, Tom realizes he's too old to get a job, and decides to get plastic surgery. Lynette tries to talk him out of it, but he insists until she traces their life on his wrinkles and tells him how she sees everything there, and wants them to look like each other. She also enlists the help of a co-worker who had a bad facelift, as an example of what not to do. It's a fun, light episode leading to week's darker, two-hour finale.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo is skeptical of the Housewives' problems on No Prior Knowledge!
Previously: Creepy Dave locked Jackson in the bathroom during the fire, but Jackson survived. And then, last week, he and Susan decided to get married, forcing Creepy Dave to change his fishing plans. Tom had a midlife crisis. Gaby was glad to be back to the old Carlos and Gaby. Bree enlisted Karl's help divorcing Orson, so that he won't get anything that he deserves. She told him she's capable of doing whatever needs to be done.
We get mystery romance music as Mary Alice tells us the lawyer (Karl) arrived after sundown, where he met with his client (Bree). It's all sort of noir and seductive, played with music and Mary Alice's narration. The basics are that he suggested a secret bank account and a second set of books. She agrees to everything, until he makes a final suggestion and she spits her drink all over him. He wanted her to rob her own house, or to have one of his "associates" do it. She's not up for that, so Karl reminds her that Orson will get half of everything. Bree asks if it wouldn't be easier just to have Orson killed. Karl says he can't condone that, but he does know someone... He says he's just kidding, and then he gets her to close her eyes and asks her to picture Orson owning half of everything and meeting a new young bimbo. Bree agrees to commit the self-robbery, and even helpfully offers that they break a window to make it look more real.
Mary Alice talks about masks, which can be found in any home. Some are used on Halloween (at the Scavo's, for instance). Some are needed to protect yourself from paint fumes (Mike's). And some are applied every other Thursday (Gaby). Then there is a mask that some men (Creepy Dave) wear every day: It's a friendly smile hiding his wicked intentions. Creepy Dave approaches Susan's house, where MJ's in the front yard. Creepy Dave grills MJ about Jackson. He wants to know if he ever talks about the fire or anybody he saw that night. MJ says no. He also tells Creepy Dave the police haven't stopped by, so Creepy Dave asks him to let him know if they do. MJ asks why, and Creepy Dave says he wants to make sure they're being nice to Jackson, because he's such a good guy. MJ agrees.
Gaby talks about how beautiful a totally plain vase is to Celia, who nods yes at everything Gaby says or asks: that the vase is beautiful, that she'll use her as a human shield when Carlos finds out what it costs. Gaby realizes all of the agreeing probably means she should get Celia tested. She's no Juanita, that's for sure. Speaking of, Juanita comes in from her play date, and she wants a canopy bed since the friend she was just with has one. Gaby tells her to move in with her friend, since she's not getting her one. Juanita asks, "Why not?! We're rich!" Gaby asks who told her that, and Juanita says she heard Gaby bragging about it to Bree. Gaby says she's not buying the bed, because she's not spending money on something that Juanita doesn't need. Juanita: "Oh, but you can spend millions of dollars on a stupid vase?" Gaby doesn't deny spending millions on it, but just says it's not stupid. So Juanita asks Celia if it's stupid and Celia, of course, nods in agreement. Gaby sends Juanita to her room, and then sends Bobblehead along after her.
Jackson and Susan are marriage-proofing their house (or whatever it's called when you make it look like you're married when you're not really). He puts his toothbrush in the bathroom and clothes in the closet. Susan tells him to leave the toilet seat up and the immigration people will totally think it's real. She says she has a way that he can repay her for doing this, and he starts stripping. She says not like that: she was hoping for a cake after their quickie courthouse ceremony, because she loves wedding cake. He can do her one better, and throw an engagement party. He says they'll need it anyway, to have photos to put in their album as evidence. She thinks that could be fun, and yelling "Surprise! It's fake! Thanks for the crock pot" at the party would be especially funny. He says they can't tell anyone. When she asks about telling the girls, at least, he says, "No way. I mean, they don't call her 'Gaby' for nothing." Susan says fake marriage is complicated. Jackson knows he's asking a lot, but she says she wants to do this because the house has been lonely since he left. He starts unbuttoning his shirt again, and she says, "Not that lonely." Whatever. It's Gale Harold you're fake-marrying, Susan. Take advantage.
Lynette takes the trash out and finds Tom sitting in his car in the driveway. She walks over and asks what he's doing. He's thinking, and would like her to ask about his job interview. So she does, and he says it went "okay." Until the 30-year-old who was interviewing him asked if he's ever used "Twittering" in a marketing campaign. He says he didn't say anything, because "I don't know what Twittering is." Lynette explains Twitter: social networking with instant updates. He can't believe she kept this from him, but she says it's just something he doesn't care about; it's for young people. Tom gets out of the car as he says he's a dinosaur marching toward the tar pit. She says he's not going to get a whole lot of sympathy, since she just went through the same thing. He says how bad it was is another thing she kept from him. He tells her that 50 guys showed up for the interview, and he was ten years older than every one of them. He could hear them Twittering as he left the room. Lynette says he probably means "tittering." He glares at her for not getting his joke. She apologizes. He tells her he heard a door slam shut today, and that it's official: His time has passed, and he's no longer relevant. She tells him he's Tom Scavo, dammit! He says, "And?" She says she's got nothing else, but he should come inside and eat dinner.
Gaby brings Juanita into a soup kitchen, but Juanita thinks it smells funny and she doesn't want to be there. Gaby sits her down and then finds Father Crowley. She tells him she wants Juanita to work with the poor so that she will realize how good she has it. Father Crowley would like Gaby to help, too, but she says it's not her thing, but she can stand by the condiment bar and spritz people with her Chanel. Father Crowley's all, "And you say Juanita is a little ungrateful? Huh." On her way back to Juanita, Gaby sees someone she recognizes: Fran Schulman, from the tennis club. Fran didn't recognize her, because it's been years. Gaby thinks Fran's there volunteering and even calls the poor people "the great unwashed," but Fran's actually there to eat. Gaby laughs until she realizes she's not joking.
Susan and Jackson head to Mike and Katherine's, where Mike greets Jackson with "long time, no see." Jackson says they have an announcement, and Susan adds that they're getting married. Katherine jumps up and runs over and hugs them, saying it's great news and asking the date. Susan says it's Monday, which Mike thinks is kind of sudden. Jackson says they're having an engagement party on Friday. Katherine says to count them in, but Mike asks if Susan's told MJ yet. Susan says she did, and he was on board once he heard there would be cake. Mike just wants to make sure it wasn't all happening too fast for MJ, since kids need time to adjust. Katherine says kids are resilient and he'll be fine. Oh, and did she mention she's excited?! Susan says they wanted them to be the first to know, but they need to go shock more neighbors now. Katherine says they're happy and Mike begrudgingly congratulates them. Then he watches sadly as Susan and Jackson walk off.
Carlos and Gaby are meeting with a decorator, who says, "Now, if we're going with the damask for the settee, then I strongly suggest we do the couch in the chenille." Carlos says the only word he understood was "couch." Hee. Gaby says she'll explain it to him later. On the way out, the decorator says the vase looks divine, and she's so glad Gaby liked it. Carlos says he thought they were just trying out the vase. Gaby: "I'll explain that to him later." After the decorator leaves, Gaby says she can't believe Fran used the same decorator seven years ago, and now has no house. She starts talking about how Fran had 20 place settings of Tiffany china, and how does this happen to someone who has that?! Carlos says the fabric Gaby's looking at is $200 a yard, so Fran should save them a place in line. Gaby thinks Fran drank it away, because she was drunk at a party once. Carlos says everyone was drunk at that party. Gaby thinks maybe it was a gambling problem, then, since Fran always played Bingo. Then Gaby says you just don't fall thar far that fast without making some really stupid choices. Carlos wonders why she's getting so angry. She says it was Tiffany china. Enough said, right?
Jackson pours a glass of wine at his engagement party when Creepy Dave finds him and calls him the man who ruined his fishing trip. Jackson apologizes, and then Creepy Dave says he's so happy for Jackson and Susan, and wonders how Jackson's been, since they haven't talked since, oh, I don't know, the night of the fire? Jackson says, yeah, Creepy Dave was the big hero, but he was the doofus who got stuck in the men's room. Jackson says he went to City Hall to get his marriage certificate and ran into a detective, so now he has to go talk to them the day after his wedding. Creepy Dave asks what they wanted to talk about, and Jackson says he guesses they just want to know if he saw anything suspicious. Orson asks if he did, and Jackson says, "No." He says he was backstage, headed to the men's room, when he ran into... Creepy Dave breaks a tray of wine glasses just then so Jackson has to run off to try to clean it up. Creepy Dave laughs that the wine's not coming out, but Orson says Bree could get it out in a jiffy, then wonders where she's off to.
She's busy, all dressed in black, robbing her own house with Karl. Karl asks her if they're stealing a mask and a diamondy-looking award. Bree says yes to the mask and no to the award, which is Orson's. Bree's tidying the mantle, when Karl tells her not to do that and knocks everything off. He tells her they're robbing the place, not acting as personal shoppers. He tells her she can't just go to the motions, and then -- speaking of -- he wonders if she's nailing Orson like they discussed. She says it's none of his business, but admits she's doing the bare minimum. Karl thinks Orson's probably a "just missionary" guy. Bree wonders if Karl must be so crude, and he wonders if she must always be a priss. He says it must be exhausting to be her. She says being a lady does take effort. He says she should give it a rest, and see how good it feels. She says Karl can be a Neanderthal, but she prefers to behave with dignity and class, then adds, "Now, may we please finish robbing my home?" Then she breaks Orson's diamond dentist award.
Tom sees a young guy at the engagement party, whom he refers to as "Bill Brown." He asks what Bill's doing there, and Bill says he and Jackson are in the same soccer league. Tom introduces Bill as his roommate freshman year of college. Lynette: "Really?!" Tom tells Bill he hasn't aged a day, and Bill says the same to Tom, but Tom says he's a liar, since Bill didn't even recognize him. Lynette would like to go back and make sure she heard correctly: "You guys were classmates... meaning you were in the same class at the same time?" Tom glares at her, and says that's what classmates mean; they're the same age. Bill says he's actually six months older. Lynette says, "You're older?! I'm sorry, I just cannot believe... that they're out of stuffed mushrooms." She takes off. Tom says Lynette's annoying, but right, and would like to know how Bill does it. Bill leans in and asks if Tom really wants to know.
Katherine and Mike present a giant gift to Susan and Jackson. Mike says they can afford to be generous now that he's off the hook for alimony. Susan: "What?" Mike says she's getting remarried so he can stop sending the checks. Susan calls Jackson aside. They pass Creepy Dave and Bree, who's just showing up. Jackson says he thought Susan was too proud to take alimony. She says she was just too proud to admit it, not too proud to take it. Jackson says he can chip in, but Susan needs more than that: mortgage and food and insurance. She can't marry him. He says they'll send him back, but Susan points out the obvious: "It's Canada. Not Iran. It's like America, with free health insurance." She says she knows this is important, but she depends on that check. He gets that, but he can't believe he found a job he loves and he has to give it up. She says she can talk to Mike and see if they can work something out, but she thinks he'll want his gift back.
Tom and Lynette discuss how great Bill looks as they're leaving the party. He says Bill told him his secret and he's thinking of doing the same thing. They walk into their house, as Lynette says, "No. You're not having plastic surgery." He says it's his face, but she points out it's half hers, since they're in a community property state. He says she can have the bottom half, but the wrinkles on the top half are all going away. She tells him men look better as they age and don't need plastic surgery, so he mocks her reaction to Bill: "You guys were classmates? You mean the same class, the same time?" She says that's a lousy impression of her, but Tom ignores her and says he's getting a facelift. She says he doesn't need one and asks what if she went and got a boob job and came home with big, giant, sideshow boobs. He says he'd learn to live with it somehow. She tells him he's not doing this, and they can't afford it. But he says it's an investment in the future and he's making an appointment. He says he can also get a price check on a pair of... Lynette says she's not getting a boob job.
Orson and Bree arrive home. He's offering to make her Earl Grey tea when he sees the damage to the house. Bree says, fake dramatically, "Orson! We've been robbed." Orson swears it wasn't him, and Bree looks at him like he's an idiot for even saying that.
Gaby's back at the soup kitchen, cutting in line to find Fran. She assures everyone she'll be eating at home, so they should all relax. When she's met with glares, she says her home is a box under the bridge. She finds Fran and says she was afraid she wouldn't find her here. Fran: "Lucky you. I'm still poor." Fran says she's sorry she rushed out the other day, and she wants to do something to help. She gives her $100, and says she wants to make sure she isn't going to use it to drink or do drugs. Fran says drinking wasn't her problem, and she's never done drugs. And she never gambled a day in her life. Gaby wonders what the hell happened then, since they had such wonderful things. Fran says she and Mark lived well -- a little too well -- and then Mark died and they were totally wiped out. Gaby apologizes, and Fran says she didn't have family or friends to turn to. She tells Gaby everyone's a bad investment or a tumor away from standing in line for free soup. She thanks Gaby and gets up to leave, but Gaby stops her and says she doesn't agree, because Carlos went blind and they almost lost everything, but they worked their asses off and made it back. Fran says she hopes Gaby and Carlos never lose everything, and she hopes she appreciates hers more while she has it. Then she thanks her again and leaves.
Mike's staring out the window when Katherine comes up with a flower arrangement. He asks when she's getting her teeth cleaned, and she says the 14th. He remembers they have play tickets on the 15th. She says yes, but why. He says he's trying to figure out a good time to get married. She's all, "I'm sorry, what?" He says he knows it wasn't the most romantic proposal ever, and he probably shouldn't have led with the teeth cleaning. She says she can overlook it, says yes, and asks what brought this on. She says she's happy and he says he loves her. As she hugs him, she sees what he was staring at out the window: Susan and Jackson, unloading a car.
Orson's upset that his award and other stuff is broken. He gets taking things, but doesn't get breaking stuff you're leaving behind. Bree says they're robbers, not personal shoppers. He thinks whoever did this should be shot. Bree wonders if Orson's kleptomania victims felt the same way. He tells her she's right: He never realized what his stealing put people through, and maybe this is karma. She sees a drawing of the mask on the table and asks what it is. He says he drew it from memory, and they reminisce about when he got it for her in Venice, after she told him she felt like she'd been wearing a mask all her life, but she felt like with him she could finally be herself. It's very sweet. I don't know why they're making Orson out to be bad. I love him. He sent the drawing to the shop, and they're going to make her a new one in about a month. She can't believe he went to all that trouble, so he says she must not know how much she means to him.
Katherine's phone rings, and it's Creepy Dave. He tells her he put together a speaking tour in Seattle and Portland (the ticket in his hand says Air Brazil). She thinks it might be too soon to get back to work. He wonders if she'll check in on the house now and then, and she says of course. Someone knocks on the door, and she asks Creepy Dave to hang on while she gets rid of them. She leaves the phone on the table and answers the door. It's Susan, who's looking for Mike. He's not there, so Susan spills it all to Katherine. She's marrying Jackson to keep him in the U.S. So, unless Mike will keep paying her, she can't get married. Katherine says Susan has to. She means, "Poor Jackson." She'd hate to see him deported back to... where again? Susan says Canada, and Katherine says, "Brrrr. It's so cold." She'll talk to Mike for her, and says she'll have her answer tonight. Katherine goes back to the phone and says, "Sorry, Dave." But he's hung up, gleefully, after hearing everything.
Lynette's at work, where the receptionist is giving her her mail. He asks how she's doing, and she says her husband wants to spend money they don't have a on a facelift he doesn't need, so... not great. The receptionist tells her to tell him to be careful, because Bruce in payroll went in for a little nip and tuck, and looks like he's standing in a wind tunnel. Lynette asks for Bruce's extension.
Bree's meeting with Karl, telling him that she thinks she can make it work with Orson, who is a good man deep down, despite the rough patches in their marriage. She asks Karl if he's even listening, and he says he doesn't need to; he's heard it all before. He says every woman gets cold feet, but she's not making a mistake, he really is that bad, and no matter how hard she tries he won't change. Bree asks if she's just like everyone else and Karl knows just what she's going to say. He says that's right, and he even knows the stuff she's not going to say. She doubts it, so he gives it a shot: She's been thinking about what happens if she walks away with Orson and all she's invested in the relationship. Will she ever find another man? Will she spend the rest of her life alone? Bree looks sad and Karl asks, "Close?" She says "In the ballpark." Karl tells her she has nothing to worry about, since she's beautiful, elegant, and classy and won't end up alone. She asks if he says that to every woman, too, and he says no, because he gets some real uggos in here: "You know, the kind who are going to die alone and get eaten by their cats." Bree: "Charming." He asks if they're back in business, and she says to send the papers to her and she'll sign them. This Karl-Bree dynamic is weird. I feel like they're trying to make it flirtatious, but then they make it sort of like she loathes him. Maybe she can have both?
Lynette greets Tom when he gets home and says there's someone she'd like him to meet. It's someone who she says got the same procedure, so she thinks he can chat him up about it. Tom thinks this means she's finally on board, but then she takes him into the other room, where he meets Bruce, who looks like a freak. I'm actually more freaked out by his hair than anything, though, which is weird. Bruce clearly thinks he looks great, and it's totally disturbing. Lynette says it's so exciting that Tom's going to look just like Bruce, and Bruce offers the name of his surgeon. Tom calls Lynette into the kitchen, where he says this was very clever, but it's not scaring him. He's still doing it. Lynette asks why he's being so stubborn, and he asks why she cares so much. She says she doesn't want plastic surgery. Tom asks, "What?!" She says if he's unsatisfied with his looks, she'll be unsatisfied with hers someday. He says no, but she says he'll look young and wonder how she got so old, and they'll look like they don't belong together anymore. He tells her he's just wanting to get rid of a few wrinkles. She sweetly tells him she doesn't see his wrinkles; she sees their whole life. She moves closer and points to wrinkles, one by one saying what they mean: This is him wondering how he'll provide for them. This is Penny breaking her arm. This is Lynette's cancer. These are the millions of laughs that got them through. She says it's a map of their marriage and she doesn't want to lose it. He asks what if it keeps him from getting a job. She says he'll get one because they're impressed by his experience, not his wrinkle-free face. He tells her he loves her face, too, and starts to point out her wrinkles. She quickly stops him and says this isn't about her.
Susan gets a text from Mike that says "Talked to Katherine. You'll get your alimony." Susan tells Jackson the good news: They can get fake married after all. Jackson says that's a relief, and Susan says she'll send Mike a thank-you right now. She does, but Katherine's the one who gets it, because she sent the text. She says, "You're welcome" to herself and then deletes the message from Susan.
On their wedding day, Jackson and Susan both look lovely. He tells her how much he appreciates this, and that he'll pitch in around the house and run errands just like a real husband. She says he's clearly never been married before. He tells her that even though this is a fake marriage, it can still be wonderful. She says she's been in some real ones that weren't, so it's worth a shot. They head outside and find Susan's car painted "Just married!" and dragging cans, all courtesy of Katherine, still so excited even though it's all fake. Susan says they'll go to the car wash on the way. As they're getting in the car, some guys in blue jackets pull up and ask for Jackson. They say they're with immigration and, since he's in the country on an expired visa, they're here to take him. Susan says they can't do this now, since they were just getting married. The officers say not today. Mike walks up and asks who these guys are. Katherine says she thinks they're sending Jackson back to Canada. She looks like she might cry, and Susan looks sad, too. Creepy Dave watches on from behind them all with a big smile.
Orson's eating in the kitchen when Bree's cell phone rings. He answers it, and is told by the woman on the other end that Bree overpaid on her new storage unit. They will deduct it from her bill. Orson's confused, but says, "Okay. Thank you." He looks at the mask picture he drew, as Mary Alice starts in about how everyone wears a mask, so you must look closely to see the truth underneath. Some conceal anxiety about growing older (Lynette). Some hide fears of financial ruin (Gaby). Some cover up a love that continues to linger (Mike, who's giving Katherine a ring). And there are those who let their masks slip. Orson finds the storage unit and the mask. Mary Alice: "If you look into their eyes, you'll see who they really are and exactly what they're capable of." I'm not even sure if she's referring to Orson or Bree, but either way, good episode. The only thing that annoys me is that Susan tried to get Mike back not long ago and he didn't want any of it, and now all of a sudden, he's the one longing to be back with her. Dumb.
week: Two-hour finale! Katherine and Mike are getting married. Susan asks if he loves her. Lynette asks if it's cancer again. Carlos and Gaby "take in" a hot teenager. Bree asks Orson if he'd actually send his wife to prison, and he says, "You bet" while holding a giant chef's knife. The announcer says it's "unforgettable," and we see a video of Creepy Dave saying he didn't want to kill MJ. He had to. I'm guessing he recorded that before he killed MJ, because I just don't think this show would kill off that cute little kid. Though it would definitely draw Susan and Mike back together, wouldn't it?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vlogger Sean Crespo is skeptical of the Housewives' problems on No Prior Knowledge!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.