By DeAnn Welker
Everyone is manipulating, guilt-tripping, accidentally physically abusing, or otherwise hurting everyone else this week.
First up, we have Bree, who meets Andrew's soon-to-be mother-in-law, Melina (played by Joanna Cassidy, so NOT maternal on Six Feet Under). It's hate at first site with these two, and unfortunately for their sons, they're both manipulative and sort of horrible. They fight over the holidays, and then they end up in a competition about whether the boys will live on Wisteria Lane or in Oakdale (five hours away, where beer can smashing Melina lives). Melina finds Alex a job as a doctor in Oakdale, but Bree one-ups her by buying them the Adams house down the street as an early wedding gift. Um, best wedding gift ever. Not that it makes up for Bree's insanity ... okay, it sort of does.
Then there's Gaby, who wants Carlos to get a job making six figures so she can buy shiny, pretty clothes and shiny, pretty shoes. She, in fact, finds him a job, accepts the offer, and then tells him about it. He's less than thrilled, since he'd like something that's, you know, fulfilling and meaningful. She thinks that's just crazy talk, and invites the guy who's offering the six-figure salary over for dinner. Turns out the guy's a big jerk, whose wife asks for a divorce during dinner. He tells them his business is successful because he lays people off and outsources. And Gaby still wants Carlos to take the job. She doesn't care if it's soul-sucking and will make Carlos into the horrible husband she used to cheat on, she wants money back. She disguises it as they've sacrificed so much for him while he was blind, and now he must do the same, but in this economy, it's laughable that someone in a house like theirs in a neighborhood like Wisteria would try to play the poor card.
Lynnette and Tom, meanwhile, are trying to find Porter so that they don't lose the restaurant. It's especially urgent after Penny outs Preston as Preston, not Porter, and Bob says he's legally obligated to tell or get disbarred. He gives them two days to find Porter. Lynnette's not having any luck until she steals Preston's phone, and Porter answers. He quickly hangs up, and Preston says he's not going to try to get Porter to come back, because Warren Schilling threatened to kill him, and his life is more important than a pizza restaurant. So she takes him to a dimly lit street and shows him a crusty bar that she says Warren frequents. She tells him to get out of the car so she can run Warren over when he leaves, to make sure Porter's safe. Preston tells her not to, that he gets it, and he'll ask Porter to come back. When he calls Porter, Lynnette gets on the phone, and we see Porter's with his grandma, Stella, who hangs up the phone and tells Porter not to trust Lynnette. Ooh, the intrigue. Because this plot line about incest, murder, pregnancy, blackmail, and swapping identities didn't already have enough things going on. (Thanks to forum poster KLS for relieving my broken TiVo woes.)
Susan, meanwhile, wants to party with Lee because she's sick of being alone -- and she realizes Lee and Bob are having trouble. So Lee takes her clubbing, and she tells him she's moving to Riverton to be with Jackson (who got a job there working at his alma mater). Lee thinks Susan's just taking the only guy she sees home at the end of the night, and I get extremely defensive of Gale Harold, who we all know is so much more than the last guy available at the end of the night. He's Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake! Susan and Lee get drunk and she wakes up half dressed with a shirtless Lee in her bed the morning. Instant panic, because Susan's clearly not the type to just "sleep" in bed with a guy, unless they're, you know, sleeping together. She seems to forget he's gay, and when she finds a jazz CD, and then he slaps her on the butt, she knows they actually did the deed. She confessed to Gaby, and then Bob comes over and wants to know if Lee stayed there, because Bob thinks he went home with a guy. He says something about how drunken Lee will go home with anyone with facial hair, and Gaby about dies laughing. As do I. Eventually, Susan goes to Lee and asks, and he tells her she's crazy, because he's in a kimono listening to opera, which means: GAY. So, they talk about Jackson again. She says she doesn't love him yet, but she needs to move on from Mike, so she's moving in with Jackson in Riverton. Great idea, to do it all to help you get over one guy. In the meantime, you'll probably break Jackson's heart. Not that you care, Selfish Susan.
Finally, Creepy Dave continues more and more into insanity, since he killed his doctor, and thus has no meds and no one monitoring his levels of crazy. He is mean to Edie, no longer clean-shaven, and not even dressed in a suit. When Edie walks in on him talking to his dead family, he's spooked and accidentally pushes/hits her. She wants to know who the hell he was talking to, but he won't tell her anything, instead saying, "Leave me alone!" and storming out like the crazy, crazy creep that he is. Run far, far away Edie. Or, rather, tell someone how crazy he is and then run far, far away. But, other than Dave calling himself Mr. Dash (to his dead doctor's receptionist, in an appeal for a prescription), we don't get any reference to the big reveal from the last episode. Nice to see our season's big story at a stand-still, don't you think?
Previously, Andrew and Alex told Bree they were engaged. Jackson told Susan he needed more from her. Carlos could see again. Mrs. McCluskey and Lily Tomlin (her leather-clad sister, Roberta) made plans to go visit the doctor just before he was fried to a crisp. And Warren Schilling threatened Porter. That's all the "previously on" Mary Alice gives us before jumping right in.
She tells us there are important events in the history of every family -- births, deaths, weddings -- as she shows us pictures from Bree's wall. Mary Alice goes on that the one event every family dreads is the moment they meet the in-laws. Bree, standing in front of her picture wall, is being introduced to one Joanna Cassidy (Brenda and Billy's mom on Six Feet Under). Andrew introduces Joanna as "Melina Cominis," so apparently she's supposed to be Greek. Do we even know Alex's last name? If we were told it, I missed that. Melina says hi and thanks Bree for letting her stay there. She can't afford a hotel right now because she was laid off from her job. Bree tells her she's sorry, but Melina says it's okay, because you know what they say: "In a bad economy, the mature cocktail waitress is the first to go." Bree fakes a smile and asks, "Really? They say that?" Well, if they don't, they certainly should, because everyone knows that people only want to be served drinks by the very young and immature.
The boys clear out, so the mothers can get acquainted. Bree makes small talk, but Melina instantly calls Christmas, saying they'll have to split the holidays now. Bree says calling it is not how they decide family holidays. Melina calls Thanksgiving, and is about to call Easter, when Bree finally caves and calls it herself, despite really thinking calling the holidays is the worst way to handle this. The boys walk in right then, and Bree wants to get their input, so Melina leans in close and makes a threat to keep Bree from talking. And Mary Alice is back: "Yes there are important events in the history of every family. Meeting the in-laws is one. The moment you decide to hate them is another." Because, apparently, hating the in-laws is inevitable.
Edie walks out of a home with an "Edie Williams Realty" sign, and past most of the other Wisteria homes as Mary Alice talks about how everyone needs a home and a realtor. As Edie arrives home, Mary Alice finally gets to her point: that you need a lovely home in suburbia so no one will suspect the ugliness going on inside. She forgets to mention that, in this case, even Edie doesn't know from inside the home. Inside, Creepy Dave's rifling through a briefcase filled with prescription bottles. Edie walks in, and he slams it shut quickly. We see that he's all disheveled, what with his loose tie, facial hair, and mussed hair. Edie ignores it and tells him she got the Adams house listing, and asks him to take her out dancing. He says no, he doesn't feel like it. She gets pushy, and he makes a sincere apology, to which Edie replies, "There's something you should know about me: I don't stay unhappy for long." Not that I'm on Creepy Dave's side EVER, but since she doesn't know he's evil, maybe she shouldn't be threatening to cheat on him if he doesn't take her dancing? Seems a little drastic to me.
Susan's unpacking groceries and listening to her answering machine. There's a message from Jackson, who says, "Hey, it's Jackson. I'm having fun at the old alma mater, but we need to talk. Oh, and good news, I promise. God, I miss you." I think Gale Harold is a better actual actor than voice actor, because I wasn't impressed with that rather stilted line reading. Susan picks up the phone to call him back, but instead spies on Bob and Lee having a spat right outside her window. Lee tells Bob that if he won't go clubbing with him, he'll have to go alone, and he'll be wearing his "not coming home alone jeans." Bob asks him if by "wearing" he means "squeezing into." Ooh, snarky. Go, Bob!
Bob storms off, and Lee spots Susan spying. She ducks down, thinking he might not have seen her, but when she peeks out again, Lee's right there looking at her. He asks if she missed anything, or if she'd like a juicy recap (um ... shout-out? I mean, we all know the word recap doesn't exist outside of TWoP, right?). She apologizes and goes outside to stop him from taking off, and to tell him she has dirt on Bree if he's interested. He stops and asks what, but she was just doing it to prove he's just as bad as her. Then she begs to go to the gay club with him, saying "Gays love me." Lee: "Name three." Susan: "You, Bob, Andrew." Lee says: "That's two." I'm not sure what that means, though. Is Lee saying he doesn't love her? Anyway, whatever it means it falls flat. He relents, though, and tells her to pile on the makeup since drag queens get their first drink free. I think she's a little insulted.
Bob, meanwhile, is in the Scavo backyard talking to Tom, Lynette, and Preston. He's asking Preston to recall what happened that night. Only, Bob thinks it's Porter, which we know because he calls him by his name twice, both times awkwardly, mainly to point out to the audience that Bob's still in the dark. Lynette asks Bob to give Porteston a break, so they do. While Porteston's over by the swing, Penny comes out and talks to him, calling him Preston several times, and then asking Lynette to tell Preston to stop taking her stuff. Lynette tells Penny that's Porter, and Penny says it isn't. Then Lynette gives her a look, and Penny's all, "Right. Sorry!" But Bob's already figured it out, and asks if they have anything they want to tell him.
Carlos and the girls come onto the front porch, where Gaby's rolling up a yoga mat, still working out apparently. They show her a ladybug they found, and Carlos goes on about how beautiful the ladybug is. The girls are sent inside because of some plot contrivance to get them quickly out of the way. Then Carlos tells Gaby he quit his job, because now that he can see, he realizes that "naked people are gross." Plus, with his vision back, he can find other work, because the world is his oyster. He wants to spend some time soaking up nature, though, and starts by admiring a spider that Gaby quickly smashes.
Bree's ironing a table cloth, when Orson comes in. She explains that Andrew wants a formal dinner, and he asks if it's so formal, then why wouldn't they use her grandma's tablecloth. I have to say that, of the many things I love about Orson, one is how he knows the tiniest details such as these about Bree that so many other husbands wouldn't know or care about. Bree says she's not going to let Melina "defile Nana's lace," saying she'll probably blow her nose on it. Wow, everyone's feeling snarky this episode. Thanks, show writers. That saves me a lot of work. Orson reminds Bree that this isn't the first bad in-law in the world; take, for example, his mother. Bree actually says that "At least Gloria had the good taste to have a paralyzing stroke so we don't have to deal with her." And Orson agrees that that was a merry Christmas. But, unfortunately, he thinks Melina's in good health, so Bree has to learn to deal with it. She doesn't know if she has it in her, but Orson snuggles up to her as he says, "Please. No one's better at plastering on a fake smile and pretending to like someone than Bree Hodge." She thinks this is sweet, and asks him to get the lace tablecloth. She will pretend to like this woman, just like she pretended to like Nana. Hee. So, the tablecloth is only precious to her because it's lace, not for anything remotely sentimental. Classic Bree Van de Kamp ... er, Hodge.
Inside the Scavo home, Lynette and Tom are apologizing to Bob for not telling him. This is why they've been trying to get the hearing date postponed, but Bob says they have bigger problems now, because he's legally obligated to tell. They beg him not to tell, or they'll lose the restaurant, thanks to Lynette's brilliant plan to use the restaurant to post bail. Bob agrees to give them two days, until he meets with the D.A., to find Porter. He leaves, and the camera pans upstairs, where Preston's listening, thoughtfully. It's not remotely clear what he's thinking, but he looks like he's thinking something.
Poor, poor Gaby is outside of a fancy store with shiny gold shoes and pretty dresses in the window. She sadly looks inside, then looks right door, where there's apparently a bargain store, with "Everyday Low Prices" painted all over the windows, and a clown out front waving her his way. Because all stores that aren't Neiman Marcus look like this. Oh, and they're also right to Neiman's, because both types of stores can afford the same real estate and have the same target demographic. She's all, "Yeah, yeah, I'm coming" and starts to head that way when a guy in a suit recognizes her. He says he's Bradley, who used to work with Carlos back in the day. She tells him Carlos got his sight back and now they just have to find him a job. Bradley, who has his own investment firm now, wants Carlos to work for him. When he tells Gaby about the high six-figures income, she accepts the job on Carlos's behalf. Bradley leaves, and Gaby tells the clown, "So long, sucker," before going inside Shiny Pretty Shop.
Mrs. McCluskey and Roberta are finally at the doctor's office, and asking about Dave Williams. The receptionist is all, "Who?!" But then she says she's not at liberty to discuss it, and she is sure the doctor wouldn't either. I don't know how much time has passed, but since they were going to find the doctor way back when the fire happened, shouldn't they have been there by now? And shouldn't the receptionist know the doctor's dead? Or have they really not been able to identify the body? It has to have been at least a few weeks, since everyone's healed and at home, so this timeline is really out of whack. Anyway, the sisters pressure the receptionist, saying Dr. Heller's going to want to know all about the stuff Dave's been doing. They ask when the doctor will be there, but the receptionist doesn't know, so the ladies wait.
Gaby's looking at herself in the mirror in her new shoes when Carlos comes in. She tells him the good news: She got him a job working for Bradley. He says that's nice, but he actually just got a job. She thinks that's fantastic, and thinks maybe they can get Bradley and the other job in a bidding war. Carlos says he's working at the community center, with the blind, which offers the perks of "making the world a better place" and "personal fulfillment." Gaby says working with the blind isn't that fulfilling, and that he should trust her since she's spent the past five years doing it. Carlos wants to give something back to the people who were there for him when he lost his sight. Plus, he thinks Bradley's kind of an ass, and there's no way he's working for him. He leaves the room, and Gaby calls Bradley and says Carlos is "intrigued," and invites him over to dinner to seal the deal.
Lee and Susan are arriving at the club, and she's acting like an idiot, saying she wants to "Boogie-oogie-oogie." Lee: "God, you really haven't been out in a while." Her phone rings, and he goes to get drinks. She answers and it's Jackson. We only hear her side of the conversation, but he tells her something that surprises her.
Bree walks out of her front door to find Melina sitting on the front porch drinking beer and smashing the cans. Bree says they actually have patio furniture in the backyard, along with recycling bins. Melina's just fine on the front porch. The boys walk up and tell their mothers that Edie was showing them houses. They loved the Adams house, but will only be able to afford it if they find a way to move it to a toxic waste dump. Melina looks at the price and tells them they could come up to where she lives and get a five-bedroom house on the lake for this price. Bree says that's nice, but Alex's practice is here. Melina says it is now, but there are also sick people in Oakdale. Bree says those people already have a doctor, just like Alex's patients in Fairview have him. Man, if this gets any pettier, I might have to just skip entire scenes to avoid reverting to first-grade playground bickering. Melina says that's fine if they want to stay in the tiny apartment; who cares if the other doctors make fun. Alex says this is something they should talk about, because Andrew would really like Oakdale. Andrew's open to it, and thinks they should go this weekend and look around. They walk inside. Bree asks Melina what she's doing, and Melina plays innocent: She's just helping them live the American dream. And she adds that if they move up near her, she'll let Bree have them for Christmas.
Lee and Susan are sitting at the bar drinking pink drinks in martini glasses. Lee's complaining about Bob being the provider, and he insists he does things too: He pays the bills, cleans the house. Susan thought he had a housekeeper. He says, "Geez, you're an ugly drunk," but then says he was kidding and asks what's with her face. First the drag queen comment and now, "What's with your face?" A little harsh, Lee. She's selfish and annoying, but still a lovely woman. She tells him she's feeling down because Jackson called earlier to tell her that his old art professor in Riverton offered him a job, and he wants Susan to move there with him. She says she wants to be with him, so she'll probably move. Lee asks if she's sure she's not just waiting for closing time. "You know: 2 a.m., bar's closing, and you haven't found the perfect guy, so you settle for ... something like that" as he gestures at an average-looking guy at the end of the bar. She asks, "Is Jackson perfect?" Um, might I answer for you: YES! But she answers for herself: "No." But adds that she doesn't think anyone is, and she has a history of sabotaging relationships. So she's doing this. He congratulates her, and they toast. The normal guy at the end of the bar gets up and starts walking over. Lee says "Scary guy's coming over," and asks if he can grab one of Susan's boobs to throw him off the scent. She lets him, of course.
Then we cut to Susan waking up in her bed the morning ... to a shirtless Lee. She's in nothing but her bra and underwear. She grabs her robe and runs downstairs, where she finds more evidence: empty wine bottles, and a smooth jazz CD in her CD player. Lee comes running down and says Bob's going to kill him, but "that was fun last night. Different ... but fun." Then he slaps her on the butt and heads out. She's horrified that what she thinks she's done -- with her underwear and bra on, apparently. Because we all know that's how sex happens on TV.
Lynette's on the phone telling Tom she can't find anyone who knows anything about Porter's whereabouts. Then she gets off the phone and notices Preston's on the phone in the yard. She walks over and asks why he didn't pick up when she called. He says she didn't call him, and shows her his phone to prove it. She grabs it and runs off, hitting redial. Porter answers, "Dude. Is Mom still there?" She asks where he is and he hangs up. Preston catches up to her, and she yells at him for talking to Porter and not telling her. He doesn't know where Porter is, though. He won't even tell Preston. Preston tells her to call Porter and tell him to come home. Preston says he's not coming home, because Mr. Schilling threatened to kill him. Lynette says she can handle Warren Schilling, but if Porter doesn't come back, they'll lose the restaurant. Preston says he's not going to let his brother risk his life so Tom and Lynette can sell pizza.
Gaby's at Susan's asking how she can sleep with someone and not remember. Susan: "I don't know. I was drunk." And she sure does look hung over. Gaby asks who it was, but Susan says, "Just a friend." Susan asks if Gaby thinks she did this subconsciously to sabotage her relationship with Jackson. Gaby asks if it was Tom Scavo, but Susan asks her to stop guessing. Gaby asks if it was Lou, and Susan says, "My mechanic? Are you crazy?" Gaby points out that she was with a plumber, then a painter, so it seemed the logical step in service providers. Just then, Bob knocks and comes in. Susan acts freaked, but Bob says he's just here about Lee, who told Bob he and Susan went out last night. She says it was an uneventful evening, so he was probably making stuff up. Bob says, "He said he stayed the night here." Gaby drops her cup and breaks it. Susan tells Bob not to worry, she was just leaving, but Gaby says she has to stay and clean up this mess (the cup, not Susan's life). Susan tells Bob that Lee did stay here. Then she lies and says he slept on the couch in the guest room. Bob says he had this awful feeling that Lee stayed the night with another man. Gaby laughs, but Susan assures Bob that Lee wouldn't do that because he loves him. Bob: "I know he does, but when he's got a few drinks in him, he'll bang anything with a pulse and facial hair." Gaby breaks into big guffaws, and honestly? Who doesn't? That's a seriously hilarious line (and more snark!).
Back at Dr. Heller's office, the kooky sisters are still tormenting the receptionist, who finally tells them that Dr. Heller went on a trip and should have been back a week ago, but she doesn't know where he is. She gets a phone call right then, and it's Creepy Dave, who calls himself David Dash. The ladies are talking about how Creepy Dave might be connected to the doctor's disappearance, ignoring the receptionist, who says, "Mr. Dash." Dave asks for a new prescription, as Roberta says she's done and leaving. Mrs. McCluskey gets up to follow her out, right as the receptionist repeats Creepy Dave's new address: "Wisteria Lane. What a lovely name." So the sisters missed all the good stuff. Although what would it have accomplished for them to hear any of that? The doctor's dead, so this is a dead-end. So to speak.
Bree's formal dinner. Melina asks if there's anything she can do to help, since she's just standing there with her thumb up her butt. No, really. She said that. Bree says she doesn't need help, certainly not from Melina's thumb. The boys come in then, apologizing for being late. Bree says they're just in time, as it's time to eat. Melina sits down in Bree's seat, and Bree tells her that's her seat. Melina says she wants to sit to the boys, and Bree asks if it occurred to Melina she might want to sit to them too? Melina says she already called it. Orson says she called it, and he offers his seat to Bree. She goes to sit down and whispers to Orson, "Guess who just got the burned lamb chop." Um, Melina I hope. Not Orson for agreeing that Melina called it. You never know with Bree.
Melina tells the boys she has good news: She talked to a doctor in Oakdale who's retiring and would love for Alex to take over his practice. Alex is excited, and says it could be a good opportunity. Bree says it's a good opportunity for Andrew to commute five hours to his job. Andrew isn't sure, but Alex says it's the only way they can afford a house, and if they're going to have kids... Bree breaks in, "You're going to have kids?" And Melina says that's perfect, because she can look after them. She wants to toast to seal the deal, to Oakdale. Bree looks panicked, and then blurts, "I bought you the Adams house!" Andrew: "What?" Orson: "What?" Melina: "What?" She says it was going to be a surprise wedding gift, but this Oakdale thing has forced her to show her hand. Andrew says it's way too generous, and Melina agrees that it is. Bree says it's nothing Melina wouldn't do. Alex says he doesn't know what to say, but that he totally loves Bree for this. She tells him she loves him too, then asks Orson to pour Melina more wine. He whispers to her, "Calling Edie, are you?" She says he knows it.
Carlos arrives home to find Gaby with Bradley and his wife, Maria, who she says dropped by for dinner. He wants to talk to her in private, where he asks why Bradley's here. She wants him to listen to what Bradley has to say, and if at the end of the evening he's still not interested, she'll support him completely. He agrees. Except, watch out, Carlos. Gaby's not telling you the truth. What she means is that she'll support you if you work with Bradley.
Bradley's telling a story over dinner about how he bought a company, laid everyone off, outsourced the work force, and now it's profitable. Gaby says that's impressive, and Carlos agrees: "It'll be a great story to tell all the other CEOs in hell." Bradley says he's just taking care of his kids. Maria says she has a picture of the kids in her purse and asks Bradley if he wants to see how many of them he can name. Bradley: "More wine, Maria?" Gaby asks what a typical workweek would look like. Bradley says there's lots of international travel. Maria says it's really fun to sit alone in a five-star hotel, while Bradley's out crushing the Third World. Carlos tells Bradley he appreciates the offer, but he's just not interested. Bradley asks why he can't do his work with the deaf on the weekends, and Carlos says, "First of all, because they're blind." Maria laughs and almost spits out her wine. She tells Carlos not to listen to Gaby, because he's a good man who wants to help people, and will be worth more than Bradley even if he never makes a penny. She tells Bradley she'd like a divorce and walks out. Gaby asks Bradley if eye care is included, because that's a big issue for Carlos.
Edie wakes up in the middle of the night, and she's in bed alone. She wanders downstairs where Creepy Dave's sitting at the dining room table whispering things like, "Just a little bit longer" and "You look so beautiful" and "I miss you so much." Edie walks up to comfort him, whispering "Dave," but he jumps backward and accidentally pushes/hits her. He says he's sorry, but she scared him. Edie asks who he was talking to, but he says no one. She says she heard him, but he says he's not feeling well. She asks who in the hell he was talking to, and he says, "Leave me alone," and walks off.
Lynette is driving Preston somewhere at night. He is confused about where she's going, since he thought they were going to the store. He asks where they are, but she just starts talking about how much she loves her kids and would do anything for them. She didn't know it was possible to love another human being so completely before she became a mother. She feels this need to protect them. Preston's confused. She says she will never let Warren Schilling kill Porter. She explains that they're outside of a bar that Warren goes to every night, and that tonight when he leaves she's going to do what she has to to make sure her family is safe. She asks him to get out of the car, because he can't be in it when this happens. He asks if she's serious, and she looks deadly serious. She tells him to get out and starts to cry. He tells her to stop it and says he gets it: He'll call Porter and tell him not to worry about Mr. Schilling. She says he will convince Porter to come back home. He shuts his door and they drive away. Okay, wow. Lynette is crazy. I'm not convinced that even was a bar Warren frequents.
Carlos and Gaby are in their room, and he reminds her she said she'd support any decision he made after hearing Bradley out. He tells her that he can either do something fulfilling and feel good about himself or take a job he hates that will crush his soul. She tells him he can let his family continue to sacrifice or he can grow up and make real money, and look after his family like they've been doing for him. He reminds her what these jobs are like: He'll never be home. It will take a toll on the family. She says not paying the bills has taken a toll, too. He asks her to please not make him do this, but she just looks at him. Then he calls Bradley and accepts the job. She kisses him, and walks into her closet, satisfied with her pair of gold shoes and the dreams of many more such pairs. She has no idea what she's getting herself into, though she should based on how much they used to hate each other when he was successful.