By M. Giant
We open with Lynette obliquely grilling Tom about the fire at Rick's, because she kind of thinks he did it, even though she claims she just wants him to have an alibi. Or at least something a little more watertight than his claim that he was sitting out in the car listening to the basketball game by himself, during the conveniently synchronized period that he was absent from the Founders' Ball last week. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that the show is working this hard to make us think it was Tom is all the alibi I need. As Tom gets a wonky stove burner lit using a symbolic match, he assures her that he's innocent, failing to give any of the obvious tells Mary Alice was helpfully listing off for us a moment ago. And Mary Alice says that Lynette's trust in Tom is about to go up in flames. Subtle. Also, inaccurate. But we'll get to that later.
Mary Alice uses a soliloquy about rule-breaking to segue into a scene in which Dylan is pulled over by a police officer. Since we already know from last week that Dylan's got a stalker, this would ping our radar even if the cop weren't played by Gary "Bill Lumbergh" Cole, which he very much is. So I'm just...gonna go ahead and...assume this isn't on the up-and-up. Great, thanks. After getting a good look at her license, complete with name and address, he "lets her off with a warning." And then he gets back in the car with the same newspaper photo of Dylan we saw being circled in marker last week, because we are idiots who have to have everything spelled out for us, preferably in red felt-tip pen.
Bree is packing up to move out of Susan's house, much to Susan's misery. Susan blames her emotional reaction on her hormones, and Bree gives Susan advice for dealing with feelings like this: put them in an imaginary box, put the box in an imaginary closet, and deal with it later, "in private, like a lady." Susan agrees to give that a try, and Bree is nearly out of there before the tears start again. Nearly.
Carlos comes home with a couple of new characters: one is his new seeing-eye dog, Roxy, and the other is the dog's trainer, Steve, played by Archie Kao from CSI. The fact that Gabby doesn't throw herself on Steve immediately suggests that Carlos isn't the only blind one. Anyway, Gabby wants to hear about how Roxy can basically take over all the annoying stuff Gabby has to do for Carlos, and when she hears that isn't really in Roxy's job description, she's pissed. "Carlos gets a new best friend and I get to check the sofa for ticks," she bitches. "Yay for Gabby!" So, Gabby: not a dog person.
Mike's back home from rehab, and Susan and Julie are making his favorite meal, steak and mashed potatoes. Mike corrects her that his favorite is actually au gratin. This sends Susan into a predictable hormonal meltdown, and as she goes off to deal with her box and her closet, Julie takes the opportunity to tell Mike about Orson's somnambulistic confession to his attempted vehicular homicide of Mike. The two of them agree that it's crazy, since Orson didn't even know Mike back then, but when Julie goes off to check on her mom, Mike is clearly not done thinking about this.
While Bree is unpacking boxes, Katherine comes over to say that the Founders' Ball went off so well that they got a job offer out of it, and Katherine thinks they should go for it, and even start a business together. Bree passes, citing the fact that she's too busy with her invisible fake baby and also that she tried to poison Katherine over their last collaboration. But when Katherine threatens to do it herself -- and take the credit for everything -- Bree's in.
Carlos wants to give Roxy a dog treat. Gabby resists, until Roxy growls at her. Apparently Carlos is deaf as well, because Roxy still gets the treat. The discussion gets a bit tense as it turns to their finances, and Roxy clearly takes Carlos's side every time Gabby raises her voice. Wow, two against one. That's...almost even, actually.
Mike goes over to Orson's house to confront him: "Are you the guy that ran me over?" he asks. Orson clearly thinks about lying, but instead he breaks down, crying and apologizing. Did I mention that Mike is holding Orson's hammer?
Gabby is ready for bed, except Roxy's already there, and Carlos isn't kicking the dog off. In fact, when Gabby tells him to choose, he picks the dog. I refuse to make a "bitch" joke here. You can come up with your own, if you like, or just wait for Mary Alice's.
Susan also comes to bed, disappointed that Mike doesn't appear to be in the mood for love. She thinks it's all about her, but Mike says it's about something he found out. Of course he's going to share it with her, since he's just out of rehab and all. "But before I tell you," he says, "you have to promise to let me handle this my own way."
Cut to Susan bursting into Bree's house, storming at a pajama-clad Orson to stay away from her family. Mike catches up to her -- the pregnant lady who had time to throw a robe on -- saying he wanted to handle this. Bree is obviously shocked to hear the news that Orson flattened Mike through Susan's accusations. "All this time, you pretended to be our friend" is Susan's parting shot to Orson as she and Mike leave Bree staring at Orson. Now, obviously Bree is used to discovering the man she's with is a violent criminal, but it doesn't usually take this long.
Early the morning, Gabby goes into her bedroom to find an awake Roxy and a still-sleeping Carlos. "The bitch had to go," is Mary Alice's obligatory quip. Waving a giant dog biscuit, Gabby lures the dog out of the room and into the car outside. Gabby, weren't you listening to Steve? Roxy isn't going to drive you anywhere.
Dylan sits on a park bench when Officer Gary Cole presents himself before her, asking to talk. He asks about Katherine, and admits that he's been following her for a couple of days. She stands and asks what's up. "I'm Wayne Davis," he says. "I'm your father." Alas, Dylan does not scream "NOOO!" or let go of the scaffold she's hanging on or drop into a bottomless airshaft to end up hanging from a weather vane. That would be kind of awesome.
Gabby tries to return Roxy to Steve the trainer, and claims that they don't need him to set Carlos up another dog, since Carlos now has a seeing-eye...monkey. When Gabby drives off, Roxy breaks free of Steve to follow her. So when Gabby gets home, telling an agitated Carlos that Roxy ran away, he's rightly suspicious. And then Roxy herself shows up at the window, scratching and barking to be let in. Should have taken the freeway, Gabby. As she goes out to deal with that -- claming to Carlos that the dog he's hearing is the Scavos' down the street and she's going to keep looking for Roxy -- the phone rings. Gabby's still outside trying to get Roxy to budge from her spot on the sidewalk when Carlos comes out to say the call was Steve. Gosh, and Gabby's plan seemed so foolproof. Unfortunately for her, it wasn't damn-foolproof.
Dylan and Wayne are sitting at a diner not ordering anything, which I guess you can do when one of you is wearing a police uniform. Wayne is being smarmy until Dylan mentions that Katherine said she left because Wayne used to beat her up. Wayne admits as much, but points out that Katherine could dish it out as well. Seeing that Dylan is unimpressed, Wayne decides that he's satisfied with how Dylan turned out, so he'd better go. He says that as much as he'd like to have a relationship with Dylan, he doesn't want to upset Katherine. So that's the hook set, as Dylan offers to not tell Katherine that she saw him. With his back to her, Wayne smiles, but when he turns, he pretends this is a bad idea until he "lets" Dylan "talk him into it." So now it looks like they're ordering pie after all. No, that is not a euphemism.
At Scavo's Pizzeria, Tom is alone in the dining room before opening when Rick comes in and throws a found Scavo's matchbook at him, along with a barely-veiled accusation. The scene then follows Andrew to the back as he looks for candles and Lynette shows up for some reason, and the thing you know, Tom and Rick are totally girl-fighting in the dining room. After Tom basically throws Rick at her, Lynette separates them by throwing a pitcher of ice on them. But then they're at it again, and Andrew dials 911.
Later, Tom's being questioned at the police station while Rick and Lynette sit to each other in the hallway. Like that would happen. Rick tries to get his flirt on, so Lynette gets up and storms into the cops' office to set them straight. At first she gives them a second motive for Tom by telling them about her history with Rick, but then she lies to the cops and claims that she saw Tom sitting in his car at the Founders' Ball listening to the basketball game on the radio. So Tom's sprung. Rick's not happy, but aside from sharing a long, long stare with Lynette, there's nothing he can do.
Out in the car, Tom and Lynette have a total blow-up: he's mad at her for still not believing him, even though she just lied to protect him; and now, after that scene in the cop shop, he no longer believes that she never slept with Rick. He gets out of the car and storms off. Better hope he doesn't have any matches on hi-- oh, who am I kidding, can we just get this gigundous red herring off my plate, please? It's stinking up the whole table.
Edie drops off a couple of items with Gabby: a box of dog biscuits for Roxy, and some advice for Gabby to quit yelling and smacking Carlos. "If you're not going to treat Carlos right," she warns, "there are plenty of women out there who will." Despite herself, Gabby seems to take the advice to heart. Or at least, to empty, black cavity where heart is normally found.
Susan wants to move so she doesn't have to see Orson every day, but Mike has decided to forgive him. Not good enough for Susan, who wants Orson to go to prison. Mike says that in addition to not wanting to leave Bree without a husband and Benjamin without a father, he needs to forgive Orson the way Susan has forgiven Mike for stuff in the past. But if Susan can't forgive Orson, Mike will understand. Wow, rehab has made him kind of sanctimonious, hasn't it?
Lynette's in bed alone when two of the kids come in wanting to know why Tom's sleeping on the couch. Lynette claims it's "something he did that made mommy really mad." Yeah, she doesn't seem to be the only mad one. They bring up what they overheard last week, about Tom saying Rick wanted to take her away from them. And that's why they burned down Rick's place. Dude, kids are idiots. These two are getting such a time-out.
On what I'm just randomly guessing is the day, Susan comes to visit Bree to tell her that she plans to forgive Orson, but it's going to be with her usual lack of elegance or grace. She's warning Bree that she might not be around so much, but she'll forgive Orson eventually. Just then, Orson comes out of the house with a suitcase, and as he gets into his car and drives off, Bree whispers hoarsely to Susan that she has no such plans. Well, that should make it easier on Mike and Susan, right?
Dylan is being suspiciously helpful to Katherine. Katherine's not buying it at first, but Dylan keeps selling it until Katherine calls her a "lovely young woman." So then Dylan goes out and hops into Wayne's car, naturally.
As Mary Alice takes us home with a speech about rule-breaking and forgiveness, Tom and Lynette stand over their two sleeping arsonists, wondering what to do now. Dylan and Wayne enjoy a coffee date. Susan joins Mike at the mirror, so they can gaze at him together. The three Solises -- Carlos, Gabby, and Roxy -- cuddle in bed , as Gabby even strokes the dog's fur. Bree drops Orson's photo in the trash. And Orson sits and cries in a hotel room, either out of crushing guilt or because the place was decorated in the early seventies and it's making his eyes water.