By M. Giant
Previously on Desperate Housewives: you probably know better than I do, since this will be the first episode I've ever seen. Don't worry, though; I've done some research. Now, Susan is the skinny one, right?
We're starting out with some phone-tree hijinks. Susan's calling the ladies to invite them all over for her annual charades party. None of them wants to come, until they hit on the idea of using the event as an excuse to get a few drinks in Katherine and pick her brain. So suddenly they're in, and Susan is only too happy to follow their unanimous suggestion to invite Katherine to join them, oblivious to the fact that her three best friends are using her. Katherine, of course, figures it out right away. Not that being smarter than Susan makes her a total puppetmaster or anything. That comes later.
After the mini-credits, Lynette's mom throws together some homemade mac & cheese and tries to feed it to Lynette. Lynette begs off, saying that she can't keep anything down with all the chemo, and besides, "mac & cheese is halfway to vomit." It seems Lynette's anti-nausea meds aren't working so well. So, like any sixtyish mom, Stella offers to come through with some "kick-ass chronic." Lynette isn't any more receptive to that idea than she was the mac & cheese, so I'm sure that's the last we'll be hearing about it, right?
Over at Susan's, Mike has already built a crib, including a safety latch, which not only will protect the baby, but also serves as a pretext to dis Susan's klutziness. When Susan asks whether the first trimester isn't a little early for this level of prep, Mike says he hasn't even opened either the pink or blue paint that he bought yet. Well, okay then.
When Susan notices that Bree and Orson are just getting home across the street, she heads over, as Bree whispers to Orson about what a hugger Susan is lately. She thinks she's got the subterfuge under control with a strategically-placed grocery bag, but then Susan asks for the number of Bree's OB. Oops. Bree wasn't expecting that. Bree tries to put Susan off, but Susan won't be dissuaded, so Bree goes in and picks a name at random from the yellow pages. Let's hope Bree's phone book is as controlled as everything else in her life.
Adam is out washing his car when a hot blonde jogs up and asks for a drink from his hose. That's not a euphemism. He obliges and watches her jog off, until the mighty stream issuing from the hose in his hand trails off. Because Katherine just turned it off. "I'd say the car's clean enough," she snots, even though it really needs rinsing. There's some sniping about their "history," as Katherine seems grumpy about Adam's flirting and Adam's telling her to let it go, reminding her he's a gynecologist, so he's going to have to talk to women once in a while. "You don't have to bring your work home with you," she snits as she gets in the car and drives off. I really don't want to see what's in his briefcase.
She drives by Gabby's place, where she's in slinky jammies and Carlos is getting dressed. So I gather they just finished playing gin rummy or something. They make plans to meet up again on Thursday. Gabby's a little insecure about why she and Carlos are still sneaking around, now that Edie's recovered from her suicide "attempt," and Carlos says he just needs two weeks to get Edie out of his life forever. That seems good enough for Gabby. For now. Mostly.
And Stella is going ahead with her drug acquisition plan, having decided that her hookup is -- Andrew.
Orson alerts Bree that he just heard from the convent. "It seems Danielle took a little...spill." Cut to Bree berating her daughter over the phone for rollerblading when she's eight and a half months pregnant. Where do you get in-line skates at a convent? "I borrowed them from one of the eating disorder girls," Danielle says. "They have all the good exercise equipment." Bree says she's ordered Danielle put on bed rest, without even a DVD player, so she can use the time for "reflection and personal growth." "I hate you," Danielle says. "Clearly, it would be time well spent," Bree says, rather optimistically, if you ask me.
At Lynette's, she's not only unable to face Tom's lasagna, but also the whole charades thing that night. Lynette complains that the Big Casino is nowhere near as bad as losing at charades to Susan would be. Tom goes to answer the door, and it's Andrew, with a package for Stella. Stella nabs it out of Tom's hands, claiming it's a pattern for an afghan for Lynette. I think this "afghan" is going to turn out white with a big, pointy, green leaf on it, if you catch my meaning.
Susan's at "Bree's" OB, and the waiting room is a dingy shitbox. Yes, the fish tank may be a bit cloudy, but there's at least one in there that isn't belly up. Plus the large signs reading "no checks" and "lotto tickets sold here" kind of brighten things up, as does the fishbowl on the coffee table full of free condoms. Susan's clearly afraid to touch anything there, going so far as to drape a single facial tissue on a chair before sitting on it. Susan tries to make friendly conversation with the meth-mouthed hooker in the seat, saying it's not what she expected in light of her friend's recommendation, but the doctor must be great. "I don't know, I just come here to buy clean urine," the hooker shrugs. Hey, it can't be much worse than the doctor Tom Cruise went to in Minority Report.
Stella has made up a plate of brownies, which she shoos the kids away from, saying they contain "special adult medicine." You know, like Grandma's iced tea. She drafts one of the Ps to deliver the brownies to Lynette's sickbed. Should we be worried that there are only two left on the plate when the kid arrives? Lynette tries to beg off, but the kid is sweet enough that Lynette can't resist. Outside the door, Stella quietly beams at having succeeded in turning her grandson into a drug mule. So I guess the rest of the treats are accounted for, at least.
Adam and Katherine head out to Susan's party, leaving Julie and Dylan studying at the kitchen counter. Except they're not so much studying as gossiping about Dylan's "robo-mom." Dylan says that Katherine freaked out and shut down when Dylan asked her about her real dad. Julie suggests snooping around in some old papers, but alas, they're in a locked room. Well, so much for that. "What kind of lock is it?" Julie asks. Yeah, thought so.
Mike answers the door for Bree and Orson, because Susan isn't back from her OB appointment yet. He happens to mention that it's on Perverse Street (heh), and flutters off again. Orson wonders what Susan's doing seeing an OB in such a bad neighborhood, and mentions that two prostitutes were murdered there last year. Oops. Bree swallows her panic and says they should help Mike. That's quickly forgotten, however, when Katherine and Adam show up. "Open this -- now," Bree excitedly whispers to Orson, handing him the wine bottle. Sure, worry about Susan's besmirched cooter later.
Edie and Carlos are also getting ready to head over, and Edie's all done up in a Jackie O getup and hair. You know, just in case they decide to announce their engagement or something. Carlos tells her in no uncertain terms that they're doing no such thing. Edie agrees, but before she follows Carlos out the door she slips a giant ring on her finger. How she's able to hide her hand in her pocket with that huge rock on it, I have no idea.
Gabby and Victor are also walking over, Victor all excited about the news on his Blackberry that the wife of a potential political rival just got picked up for shoplifting. Gabby doesn't share his excitement. "I'm just glad I don't have to worry about you pulling crap like that," he says. "Yeah, you're lucky," Gabby anvils. Hate for her to have anything in her past like statutory rape or something.
Inside the party, Bree and Gabby are wasting no time in grilling Katherine, who's playing it cool and declining to discuss her first marriage. Point to Katherine, and Bree is conciliatory in freshening the new neighbor's drink. Half a point to Bree. Edie swans by, shedding her coat to reveal a flashy strapless number, and faking a slipped contact as a pretext for flashing the rock on her finger. Edie fake-flusters that she promised her fiancée not to say anything. But she's said enough, and Gabby storms off. A late-arriving Susan happily greets Gabby, and then Katherine, and then to Bree, she says, "You! Come with me."
Outside, Gabby confronts Carlos over his secret engagement to Edie, and says they're done. And she doesn't have to settle for Victor, either. "This waits for no man," she boasts, indicating the dress she's wearing that has even less material than Edie's, even prorating for their height differential. So then Carlos goes inside to confront Edie over her buying herself an engagement ring. "It's been three days, Carlos," Edie eye-rolls. "How long was I supposed to wait?" Edie says Carlos can pay her back later. "Count on it," Carlos assures her darkly.
In the kitchen, Susan is scrubbing herself down in the kitchen, and dressing down Bree about the OB: "When I saw the ant traps on his speculum tray? I thought you and I should have a talk." She wants to know why Bree sent her there. Bree, at a loss, just says she can't tell Susan what's going on, because it's private. Susan's like, "So are the parts of me I think he snapped with his camera phone!" and flounces out of the kitchen to go throw her party.
Carlos gets off his cell phone with his...um, contractor...and sits down, just in time to watch Gabby putting on a big show of flirting with Adam. Carlos ends up putting his drink down hard enough to smash the glass. As for Katherine, her wine doesn't even tremble, which is much scarier. She confronts Adam in the hallway, dropping a mention of Chicago, and all he agrees to do is catch up with her drinks-wise. And then Edie comes up to assure Katherine that it's really all Gabby's fault. Katherine settles in to hear all about Gabby's "reputation." Those of us who didn't actually see the first three seasons might appreciate a little refresher as well, but I don't get one.
Susan and Gabby get ready to pick their charades teams. Susan wants Lynette, which is really just an excuse to provide the setup for an ironic segue in the form of Tom's line: "She's too sick to party." Cut to Lynette, cracking up with the kids in front of Spongebob Squarepants, complete with fake sound effects and no dialogue coming from the TV.
The charades teams are settled: Gabby has Adam (of course), Victor, Bree, and Mike, while Susan has Orson, Carlos, Edie, Tom, and Katherine. And while Susan's giving a lengthy briefing, Julie and Dylan have succeeded in breaking into Katherine's locked room. The game's about to start when a completely loopy Lynette shows up, reminding everyone she's the "charades ninja" by kicking a lamp off a table. Who could have seen this coming?
After the commercials, Bree gets Orson's Two Mules for Sister Sarah in twenty-two seconds. Impressive. ["You think that's impressive, you should see Glark's impression of Gerard Butler in 300. I will never be the same." -- Miss Alli] Tom calls Lynette over from the munchies table for her turn. Lynette totally chokes, but eventually she "recovers" enough to use Edie as a clue for Hang 'Em High. Awkward. Susan calls a break, and Tom goes in search of coffee for Lynette. Andrew comes in to tell Orson he has a phone call, and as Orson leaves, Andrews tips Lynette a thumbs-up, which she happily and cluelessly returns. And then Stella comes and finds Tom in the kitchen, wondering if Lynette happened to bring over any brownies. "Is that a problem?" Tom asks.
Cut to Tom frantically collecting them from everyone. In the process, he bumps into Gabby, who spills her drink on Adam. Which drink she immediately starts trying to wipe off. Katherine comes up to tell Gabby to cut it out, and Gabby says she just spilled her drink on him. "You're trying to make up for it by breastfeeding him?" Katherine snarks. Gabby's dress is pretty low-cut. Things escalate quickly, and it comes out that Edie pretty much gave up the goods on Gabby, including her affair with the gardener. Yeah, that. Victor actually looks up from his Blackberry upon hearing this. "Bree saw you slap your daughter," Gabby blurts. Katherine says this is the last thing she'll ever say to Gabby, and says Dylan's father was a horrible man. "Imagine the worst thing that a father can do to his daughter. What was I supposed to tell Dylan about that, hm?" With tears in her eyes, she says she hopes everyone's satisfied, and walks out. "Oh, my God," Lynette breathes. "Hang 'Em High has three syllables."
Gabby goes and finds Victor upstairs. He's just quietly wondering how many people know about her affair with an underage boy, how he's going to "spin this," and whether money would keep John quiet. Gabby doesn't think it's a big deal. Victor disagrees. Although it's not a big enough deal for him to actually yell at her or anything.
Dylan and Julie are in the locked room, and only one of them remembers that this used to be Dylan's bedroom. Naturally, it isn't Dylan. Katherine busts them and sends Julie home. Dylan apologizes to her mother. Katherine sweetly smiles that it's okay, but Dylan is grounded from Julie for good.
Orson comes and finds Bree to tell her that there might be a problem with Danielle's pregnancy. The two of them are about to leave to be with her, blowing past a flustered Susan on the way out. Edie's parting shot to Susan is, "I know this night has been a complete disaster, but all in all, it's still your best party ever."
Gabby comes and finds Carlos, kissing him and smacking him and telling him that his reaction to her flirting with Adam compared quite favorably to Victor's upon hearing about the gardener. Looks like their plans for Thursday are back on. And downstairs, Carlos again gets off the phone with his contractor, who says it's only going to be another week or two before Edie can be "taken care of." By the way, that contractor? Is not a hit man, but a CPA. Even scarier.
Victor comes to talk to Carlos about the Gabby/John thing, and boasts that if he had been married to Gabby at the time, John wouldn't be around long. Not that he is any more. "If you have enough money, not that hard to make someone disappear," Victor says. Gabby comes down, and she and Victor leave together, but not without a secret wink to Carlos from Gabby.
Orson and Bree are getting ready to go, but their departure is being slowed by Bree's insistence on unhooking the DVD player to bring along. "It's the only thing she asked for," she says. Then Orson gets a call from Danielle's doctor, and it's good news. Bree collapses into his arms in relief.
Tom and a somehow completely sober Lynette come home to find Stella on the couch, with the kids asleep upstairs. "Great. Did you put Quaaludes in their cocoa?" Tom snarks. Lynette sends him up to check on the kids so she can yell at her mom for drugging her and also steal my "drug mule" joke, which I swear I totally came up with on my own before I got to this part of the episode. Lynette accuses her mom of missing Lynette's childhood by being drugged, and Lynette says she isn't going to do that. Stella won't apologize, but they agree that it won't happen again. Suddenly Stella remembers that Lynette played Yenta in Fiddler on the Roof. "There are some performances so bad, even alcohol can't block them out."
Bree sits on her front porch, and Susan comes out offering cake and a truce. Susan wonders what's going on between them since Bree got pregnant. Bree takes a long time winding up to come clean, but all she says is that there have been complications with the pregnancy. She fails to mention that one of those "complications" is that the baby is inside a different person. Things seem to be patched up between them, but the scene ends before Bree has to dodge another hug.
morning, Adam finds Katherine packing up the storage room, saying that her aunt will stay there when she comes home from the hospital, and she was wrong to make the room so mysterious to Dylan. Adam brings up what Katherine said last night at the party. "You realize what people are going to think," he says. Katherine agrees that it'll make everyone uncomfortable. "And uncomfortable people don't ask questions," Katherine smugs. Adam bows to his wife's superior puppetmaster mojo.
Mary Alice VOs about games, and then we see Katherine alone in the former storage room. Kneeling on the rug, she pulls back a corner, revealing a jagged scar in the wooden floorboard. She puts her finger in it, breaking down in tears. There, there, now -- that can be refinished.