Julie's still in a coma this week, and Andrew shows up to spill all of her secrets to Susan: She dropped out of medical school. She's been waiting tables. She's having an affair with a married man. Susan also tells him she just found out "yesterday" that Julie might be pregnant, which seems odd, considering an entire episode and a lot of Susan stirring up mayhem for the Bolens has ensued since then, but I probably shouldn't question the timeline. Susan snoops in Julie's journal and finds that she wrote only about a man named "D." When Julie finally does wake up, Susan rushes to her side, mainly to grill her on who the hell this married man is. Julie won't spill, though, but Nick Bolen comes in at the end and tells Julie -- who's asleep again -- that he's "Dominick" and that he misses her. And, with that, we have a new suspect. Or, not so much new as someone who was already a suspect and now is even more of one.
While Susan's off worrying about her daughter, Katherine's going bananas and trying to convince Bree that Mike really loves her! Bree catches Katherine spying and gives her time off, but Katherine comes back and swears she's well. Uh, not exactly, which she proves by destroying a wedding cake that Bree's prepared for a client. So Bree does what she must, as a friend: She fires Katherine, and tells her to seek help. When she asks for the keys to the test kitchen, Katherine keys Bree's car right in front of her and then hands them over.
Gaby's not happy when John drives Ana home from work and they're all cozy and flirty. She's even less happy when Juanita and Celia find condoms under Ana's bed and Ana tells Gaby she loves John. Gaby decides to take this up with the adult in the situation, and confronts John at his restaurant. Turns out he was just trying to make Gaby jealous, which he thinks he's accomplished. She insists she's happy with Carlos, but when John kisses her, she doesn't stop him. What stops them, of course, is Ana busting in. Gaby chases after her, but Ana somehow makes it home first (despite the needing-a-ride thing). Thankfully for Gaby, Carlos isn't there. Gaby tells Ana that she had an affair with John, but is happy and in love with Carlos now and to please not tell him something that would hurt him. When Carlos gets home, we think Ana's going to tell, but instead she tells him she wants to quit her job, which is pretty sweet. Gaby then ends things with John, once and for all, via torn-up mall photo, and tells Carlos she's happy in her small life.
Elsewhere, Lynette's boobs are huge, and everyone loves them: Tom, Carlos, the clients, even the gay guys at work (though everyone but Tom thinks they're implants). She uses them to score clients, and it's hilarious, but makes her feel like a hooker. It somehow leads to a sweet conversation between her and Tom, in which he admits he likes boobs, but since she's otherwise perfect, she needs that one "flaw." Somehow he made that argument work, and she even compliments him on dodging that minefield.
Other than Nick/Dominick having an affair with Julie, the Bolens' life is pretty simple: Danny wants to drop out of school because everyone thinks he was the attacker, so Mom throws him a party (or, actually, she bribes Porter to do it). During the party prep, Danny watches his mom change (ew!) and then tells her he'll make enough money someday so that she won't need Nick and will be able to get her scar fixed. At the party, he ends up telling his dad he knows about him and Julie, which doesn't make Nick very happy.
Previously: John asked Carlos if Ana could work for him. You know, out of respect. Mike told Katherine he was choosing Susan, and she acted classy as she gave back his ring. Key word being "acted." Lynette's pregnant, and keeping it from Carlos. Lynette blurted to Susan that unconscious Julie is pregnant.
We open this episode on a framed cover of Bree's cookbook, as Mary Alice begins that Bree Van de Kamp was having an affair, and whenever her lover called, she needed an excuse to leave work early. We get a montage of her telling Katherine, who's hard at work, that she's off to the jewelers to get her pearls restrung, off to the salon to keep her hair red, off to visit her aunt -- who has shingles -- in the hospital. Then Bree shows up one day and Katherine's done all of the work for her. Bree says it's only 9, and wonders what time she got there. Katherine says 3 or 4; she has to have someplace to channel all her extra energy. Bree wonders what makes Katherine so happy, and she says she's in love. When Bree expresses relief that Katherine's finally over Mike, Katherine says that's just crazy talk: Mike's the one she loves. She pooh-poohs Bree bringing up his marriage to Susan. After all, their first marriage went down in flames and Katherine thinks this one will fail even faster -- just as soon as Julie's better, he'll leave. After all, she's noticed a light on in their den in the middle of the night, so someone's not sleeping with their new spouse. It couldn't be that a mother can't sleep with her daughter in a coma or anything. Katherine tells Bree to grab an apron and help her with dessert, and she's making extra for Mike. Mary Alice says, "Poor Bree" wanted to help her friend, but didn't have time to feel for Katherine's imaginary lover when she had a real one of her own. Bree gets a text from Karl, says she has a teeth cleaning, and leaves. Title card.
Mary Alice continues that, "You wouldn't know it to look at him, but that nice man who delivers your mail ... hits his wife." (I love how Mary Alice delivers lines about abuse, murder, and violence with such a calm demeanor; then again, she did kill herself, so none of this is shocking to her.) She tells us that the nice woman across the street embezzles from her boss, and the attractive jogging couple likes their cocaine. "The sad truth is, we don't know our friends and neighbors nearly as well as we think we do." The camera takes us into the Bolen house, past Danny and onto Nick, as she continues: "Even the people we love keep secrets." Nick hugs Angie and says he needs coffee. She says the snuggling isn't helping him get it, but he says it's waking him up. Behind them, Danny drops his spoon into his bowl. Nick wonders why he's home since he has a morning class. Danny was actually thinking of quitting school and getting a job. Angie says, "Our family's been in this country five generations. It's time one of us got a diploma." Then she sighs and asks him what's going on. He says no one at school talks to him or sits near him, because everyone thinks he's the perv who attacked Julie. Angie promises him this is temporary and that everyone will know he's innocent once the police catch the guy. She tells him to go to school today, and they'll figure something out when he gets home. He leaves, and Nick asks Angie why she's being so nice, since there's no way they're letting him drop out. Angie knows that, but she says they have to keep him happy, since he gets sloppy and says all sorts of things he shouldn't when he's not. Nick's like, "Okay, so now all we have to do is figure out how to keep a teenager happy." Yeah, that's never a challenge.
Lynette's groaning while she puts on a blouse, and Tom asks what's the matter. She says nothing fits, because her breasts have gotten huge. Tom: "Yeah. I hate it when that happens." Lynette says her boobs always get like this second trimester, like clockwork. He smiles at her, and says "The Supremes are back." She doesn't like them being named after musical groups, but he goes on that "Benny and the Jets are so happy to see them." Ick, Tom. Too far. She tells him this is serious, since she has to hide them from Carlos so he doesn't know about the pregnancy. Tom tries to get a little action, but she's not having any of it. He protests that in two weeks, they'll get sore and she'll give him that "Don't touch me" look. He begs her to take a boob day and she glares. That's the "Don't touch me" look he was talking about.
Casa de Solis. Gaby's on the phone with Carlos, telling him how she waited around all day for his repairman, who didn't show up. Oh, and his children took her $300 perfume and gave their dolls a bath. Yes, she bought $300 perfume, but he's missing the point. Oh, really, he doesn't like it when she yells. How about this? She bangs the phone on the counter. Back on the phone, she says, "I have taken care of your demon spawn children for 12 hours. My shift is over." She hangs up, and looks out the window to see John helping Ana out of his car. As they mosey up the sidewalk, he asks if she's having fun at the restaurant, and she says she's having fun working with him. Gaby greets them at the door, and says she thought she was picking Ana up. Ana says John offered to give her a ride, and he adds that he appreciated the company. Gaby sends Ana inside to do her homework, and then asks John if he remembers homework: that thing high school kids have to do. He does remember; he thinks she used to help him with his. She asks what he's doing with Ana, and he swears he gives all his employees rides home. But when she asks about the busboys, he doesn't answer. Gaby tells him she will pick Ana up from now on.
Hospital. Susan's in Julie's room when Andrew comes in bearing flowers. Susan thinks it's so great that they've stayed close all this time. Andrew says they weren't so close when she was in medical school, but have been again ever since she quit. Susan's like, "The hell?" Only Susan could actually get mad at her comatose daughter. Andrew thought Susan knew she quit, since it was six months ago. Susan can't believe this, and Andrew whispers to Julie that she's so lucky she's in a coma right now. Susan wonders what Julie's been doing, and Andrew admits she was waiting tables until she figured out what she wanted to do. Susan's not thrilled about this either. She tells Andrew that she found out yesterday that Julie thought she was pregnant (how was that yesterday?), and now she learns her daughter the surgeon is actually a waitress. Susan asks Andrew about the guy Julie was seeing. He turns and tells Julie it would be an excellent time to wake up. Andrew says all he knows is that there was a guy, but he doesn't know his name. Susan asks why she wouldn't tell him that, and he says, "Because he's married." Lucky for Andrew, we go to commercial before Susan bites his head off.
Gaby comes in from checking the mail, where she finds Juanita and Celia sitting at the table, with condoms laid out in front of them. Juanita says, "Mints!" Gaby's horrified to see they're actually condoms, and then to learn the girls found a whole box of them under Ana's bed. Juanita wants one before dinner, but Gaby says they
're balloons. Celia: "Yay!" Gaby says they're grown-up balloons, so Juanita wonders if Gaby and Carlos play with them. Gaby says that if they did, she and Juanita wouldn't be having this conversation. She takes the condoms and turns to leave. Upstairs, she storms into Ana's room and asks what these are. And says they're condoms, and smart-asses about when a boy and girl like each other... but Gaby cuts her off, saying the girls found them under her bed. Ana wants a lock on her door, but Gaby says that's not where the lock is going to go. Ana says this is none of Gaby's business, but Gaby says it sooooo is. Gaby asks if Ana's sleeping with John. Ana says, "Aunt Gaby, he's my boss." Gaby says Ana's acting sucks, so Ana admits that they haven't done anything yet, but she loves him. Gaby looks stunned, and then says she vomited in her mouth. Ana wonders what is it about John that makes her so crazy, since he was just her gardener. Gaby says she's not crazy and leaves -- but not before taking the condoms, which she says she promised the girls they could fill with water and drop off the roof.Porter's getting into a car in his driveway when Angie asks if she can talk to him. He says he has to pick up Penny from school, so Angie pushes their trashcan behind the car. When he runs into it, she tells him this will just take a minute. He agrees, and she asks him to help her throw Danny a party since he doesn't have that many friends and the whole thing with Julie hasn't helped. Porter says he and Danny aren't actually that close and don't have much in common. Angie gets out money and starts thumbing it in front of Porter. He wonders if she's bribing him, but she says it's just money to pay for the party -- and he can keep any extra. Then she gives him more money to buy beer. Porter wonders if Lynette's hiding in the bushes to see if he takes the bait. Angie just wants Danny to have a good time, and asks Porter to please invite some cute girls. Porter: "Anything for my good friend Danny."
Bree's showing cake designs to an indecisive bride and groom. She points out they're getting married in two days so better find something they like. I find it unbelievable that Bree would work with people who aren't picking out a cake until two days before their wedding. I know it has to be this way for the storyline, but still: not very damn likely. The bride spots the cake she absolutely wants on a table nearby, picks it up, and shows it to Bree. Bree says it must be a new design by her partner Katherine, and is glad the couple loves it. Then the couple can't decide on flavors, but we are thankfully spared from having to watch more of that than the first rejection.
Carlos's office. A hunky young guy asks Carlos if he notices anything different about Lynette. They both look at her in the office compared with her photo from the Christmas party last year. Carlos: "Woah! Lynette got implants." Cute hunky guy agrees that's definitely the case, and he's impressed. Carlos asks him to wait a minute; isn't he gay? Cute hunky guy says Carlos can't ask him that, and Carlos says if he's not, he's going to have to punch him in the face for checking out his married friend. Cute hunky guy raises his voice several pitches and says, "So gay. JudyLizaBarbra gay. Proud member since '89." He leaves and Carlos looks at Lynette's boobs again.
Inside her office, Lynette's giving some numbers to Carlos, but he's pretty preoccupied staring at her chest. She asks what he's looking at, and he tells her he knows her little secret. She scoffs and says, "God, you know about the twins?" He says, "Yeah, well, I have eyes." Lynette tells him that this was not planned; Tom got her drunk and the thing she knew... Carlos is like, "Aaaaaah, so Tom's responsible for all of this?" Lynette, still thinking he's talking about the babies, is like, "Who else?" Carlos tells Lynette she's such a good wife, and he wishes she would talk to Gaby and get her to jump on the bandwagon. Lynette wonders if Gaby doesn't already have her hands full with the two she's get. Carlos rolls his eyes and says they're okay, but he thinks they could do better. Lynette: "What?!" Carlos says Gaby really looks up to Lynette, and if she knew she got a boob job, she might consider it. Lynette finally gets it, and is all, "Oooooh." Carlos asks Lynette to give Gaby the name of her doctor, who did great work. She says she will. Then, in case this scene wasn't already awesome enough, Carlos adds: "By the way, let this be a lesson to you: Don't try to hide things from me. I'm a little too sharp for that." He leaves and Lynette's all, "Riiiiiight." Commercials, including that "Another Desperate Housewife" mini-movie in which Sprint phones are being used to cover up an affair. That's an advertising campaign to be proud of.
Delfinos. Mike comes home and hollers for Susan, who says she's "Here." He tells her he got called on a job as he walks toward her voice. When he finds her, she's in Julie's room, where everything's strewn all over the room. He asks what happened here, and she says she "came across" Julie's journal. And by "came across," she of course means while tearing Julie's room from top to bottom. Susan says that Julie never says the name of the married man she's been seeing; she just calls him by the initial "D." She wonders why Julie would use a code in her own journal, and Mike says, "Oh, because she's afraid her mom might 'come across' it?" Susan acknowledges she's invading Julie's privacy, but this is an emergency, because she thinks "D" is the sick bastard who attacked her. Mike massages Susan as she says reading this journal is like reading something written by a stranger: She dropped out of med school, waits tables, has an affair with a married man. Yeah, Susan, we got it when Andrew told us earlier. Why does the show want to tell us everything twice tonight? Susan wonders what's going on with Julie as the home phone rings. Mike hangs up and tells her she can ask Julie herself, because she's awake. Susan looks less excited than she might have, say, yesterday.
At the hospital, the doctor tells Susan that Julie remembers nothing about being attacked, and she's very tired and needs rest (not that I'm on Susan's side or anything, but hasn't she been sleeping for at least a few days? How much more rest could she need?), so Susan should just sit with her and not ask her any questions. Susan says "Of course," but what she means is, "I'll find a way to ask her without asking questions, because this is all about me." In Julie's room, Susan tells her how good it is to see her awake. Susan asks how Julie's feeling, but then remembers the doctor said no questions, so she's just going to sit and look at her. Julie thanks her and says she's really tired. Susan tells her just to sleep, baby, but when Julie tries, Susan tells her, "Just so you know: You're not pregnant." Julie's awake now, wondering why Susan knows anything about that. She's pissed Lynette told her. Susan apologizes for upsetting Julie, and tells her to just ignore her and sleep. When Julie tries again to sleep, Susan whispers that she can tell Julie's boyfriend she's better if she wants. Julie's like, "My boyfriend?" Susan says that she assumed she had one based on her thinking she's pregnant, so she thought she'd call him ... "unless you think he strangled you because he's married." Julie says she doesn't want to talk about this now, and Susan says they won't then. Yeah, we'll all believe that when we see it. Julie wonders how she can rest when Susan comes in here with all these questions, but Susan asks if she's asked her a single question. Other than that one. Julie asks Susan to go, and she only protests a little before obliging. Julie sighs heavily as Susan leaves.
Bree's on the phone with Karl, telling him she misses him too. Then she's like, "A peach nightgown. Why?" She tells him they aren't doing this on the phone again, and if he can't sleep, he should take a pill. It's hilarious that Bree thinks a pill is a more n
atural way for him to fall asleep than masturbation. She gets up to close her curtains, and sees Katherine lurking in Mike and Susan's bushes, peeking in the windows. morning, Bree arrives in the test kitchen and tells Katherine they really need to talk. Katherine cheerily chirps about work she's already done this morning, but Bree tells her she saw her at Mike and Susan's last night. Katherine, indignant: "You were spying on me?" Bree: "I am not the spy in this story." Katherine wonders if Bree wants to know what she saw. Bree tries to say no, but Katherine says Susan went to bed early and Mike watched a ballgame; does that sound like a marriage? Bree says it sounds exactly like one. And, yeah, I have to agree. But Katherine says it was really nice to watch the ballgame with Mike. She fondles a melon as she says this, which makes it all the more insane. Bree: "Through a window. Katherine, you are losing your grip here." She says Mike loves Susan and isn't coming back to Katherine, and she needs to get some help. Katherine says Bree can't stand to see her happy, because she knows that once Mike comes back, Katherine won't have time to do all of Bree's work for her. She says she's tired of carrying Bree, so Bree says that will stop now, since she's putting Katherine on sick leave for three weeks, effective immediately. Katherine says she's not sick, but Bree says she really is.Lynette's office. Carlos tells her she has some admirers out there. He says he heard someone say, "Check out the rack on that one" as he walked by. And, seriously, props to the costume people because I have no idea how they made Felicity Huffman's boobs look not only big, but like they have actual cleavage. Lynette's flattered, and wonders if she can do the honors and call security. Carlos won't let her, though, because those people admiring her rack are potential big clients with a $200,000 pension fund Carlos would like to control. He suggests they take them to dinner and let them admire "the girls" up close and personal, and then close the deal. Lynette wonders if they'll leave the money on the dresser, and Carlos laughs, surprised she'd be mad since she got the implants. He wonders why she would get them if she doesn't want people to look, and she's like, "I guess I wouldn't have," and agrees to the dinner. Carlos tells her to buy herself a new dress on the company. He hands her a credit card, and she says, "A man just gave me a credit card because of my boobs. That makes me feel like less of a hooker."
John's restaurant. Gaby enters and John asks what's up. She says, if Ana has her way, her skirt. John plays dumb, but Gaby's way onto him. He thinks her crush is sweet, and admits that he was only flirting with Ana to see if Gaby still cares, and he thinks she obviously does. Gaby says she doesn't, so he wonders why she'd forbid him to drive Ana home if she wasn't jealous. She says it's because she remembers what he could accomplish in a parked car. He says he thinks about those days a lot: how he was just a kid and had to mow lawns for a living. He couldn't offer her anything but sex, but now he has a lot of money to offer her. He says she's stuck in a house with two kids and a husband who's never home, and when he saw her with macaroni and cheese on her blouse, he thought what a shame, that this gorgeous woman should be sipping champagne on a yacht. She asks: "What? So you're going to rescue me?" He asks her to tell him she's not unhappy. She says she's not, but she blinks a lot, so he doesn't really buy it. He kisses her, and she doesn't resist and might even be kissing him back, but then Ana bursts in. Ana leaves and Gaby breaks free of John and chases after her.
After commercial, Gaby arrives home. She enters and hollers for Carlos, but Ana says he's not home yet. Weird that Ana is home, though, since she was reliant on someone else for a ride, isn't it? Ana says Gaby knew she like John and wonders how she could do this. Gaby says what Ana saw wasn't what she thought. Ana: "Oh, did you slip, and your tongue accidentally slipped into John's mouth?" Gaby says she didn't kiss John; he kissed her. And no tongues were involved. Ana says they each have a version of the story, and they'll see which one Carlos believes. Gaby admits to Ana that ten years ago, she and John had an affair. She says Carlos knows about it, and a lot of people got hurt, but they moved past it. She says she has no feelings for John, but today she found out he still has feelings for her. Ana gets up and goes to Gaby's album. She pulls out the mall photo strip of John and Gaby, and says she now understands why she saw Gaby staring at that the other day. Gaby admits she was staring at a memory, and she does sometimes wonder what might have been when she's having a rough day, but she would never go back. As Carlos pulls up, Gaby pleads with Ana, saying she loves Carlos and please don't do anything that's going to get him upset. He comes in and greets them both, saying he finally got home early. He and Gaby hug and kiss, then he asks Ana what's new. She says she was just telling Aunt Gaby ... that she wants to quit her job. Gaby looks relieved, and Ana looks more than a little heartbroken. Awww. Who would have thought she'd end up a little likeable?
Bolens. Danny comes into his mom's room and shows him the new shirt he found on his bed. She smiles and asks if he likes it. She got it for him for the party, because she wants him to look good. He says she didn't have to, but she says it made her feel less guilty about buying this new shirt for herself. She takes off her shirt to try it on, and he looks at the scar on her back. He asks if she's ever going to get "that thing" taken care of. She says she doesn't even see it anymore. He tells her they can get rid of those these days, but she says that costs money and he knows they have to be careful about money. He says he doesn't see Dad being careful, since he just bought new golf clubs. She tells him she was in bad shape after the explosion, and Nick took good care of her and hung in there. She says he's a good man, and Danny shouldn't forget that. Danny says he's going to make a lot of money one day, and get the scar fixed. She hugs him, and he says whatever happens, he's going to take care of her. She looks worried. Or possibly creeped out at the realization that her son is in love with her? Or is that just me?
Lynette arrives at dinner, where Carlos greets her and asks what the "fantastic" dress cost. She says her dignity, and he says it was worth every penny. Nice, Carlos. He asks her to check her jacket. She tries to keep it, but he tells her to lose it, just for one night. She does, and as she walks toward her table, she realizes all the men in the place are checking her out.
Danny's party. He's mingling with Porter when he notices his dad across the room talking to some young girls. He walks over, and Nick tries to act like they're best buds, all, "And there he is now. Hey, I was just telling these..." But Danny just asks if he can talk to his dad for a sec. They go in another room, and Danny reprimands him for hanging out with a couple 20-year-old girls when there are a lot of other people here. Nick says he's just saying hello, and Danny asks him not to. Nick says he's been getting a vibe from Danny that he doesn't think he deserves. Danny says he does deserve it, because Danny knows. Nick: "You know what, son?" Danny just glares, and then Nick gets serious, suddenly realizing what it is Danny knows. Angie walks in and asks Nick if he has to crash every party in the world. She takes him out of the party, so Danny can have fun.
Scavos. Lynette comes in and tells Tom, "Hooker's home." He laughs and asks how it went. She says it was bizarre how from the moment she walked in, she got smiles, winks, men pulling out her chair and filling her water glass. She says the clients were putty in her hand and signed the deal on the spot. He congratulates her, and she wonders why men are so obsessed with boobs. He doesn't know what to say, but some guys are just breast men. Lynette: "Some guys?"
He says he appreciates all aspects of the female... but she cuts him off since he's staring at her boobs. She tells him to just admit it, so he says, "Okay, my name is Tom Scavo, and I like big breasts." Lynette replies, "But you married me." He's like, "I stepped right into that one, didn't I?" She asks if he ever feels like he compromised, and he says he does. She gives him a chance to start over, and he says no, no, he needs her to not be perfect, because he's not perfect. He says he's not rich, he's not brilliant, not movie star handsome. So if she didn't have this one flaw, he'd spend every moment of every day wondering what she's doing with him. She says he might not be brilliant, but he can tiptoe through a minefield better than anyone she knows. They kiss.Carlos comes home to find Gaby in bed. She tells him she tried to wait up, but this day was just too much. She says the repairman finally showed up but didn't have the right part, so he left again. Then Celia hid Gaby's car keys so she couldn't take her to the dentist, and then forgot where she hid them. She told them both (why Juanita? What did she do?) they'd be sorry when their dad got home, but he didn't until now. He says he's sorry. She says it's okay, and actually kind of funny. He asks what, and she says her life, which just seems so small sometimes. We see John in his big, empty restaurant, as she says she spends her days thinking about detergent and groceries or how she's going to get a spot out of the upholstery. She says it's not the life she thought she'd choose for herself as John opens an envelope he finds on the hostess station. Inside it is the strip of mall photos torn in half. Gaby tells Carlos that she realizes she's honest-to-god happy with her life, and she just thought he'd like to know that. He leans over and kisses her.
Bree's preparing a wedding reception when Katherine comes in. She asks if she can help, and Bree reminds her she's supposed to be on sick leave. Katherine says she's better and wonders what she can do. Bree doesn't want to fight, and Katherine doesn't either. She says her job and Bree's friendship are all she has left after losing so much, so she can't lose those. Bree says she's just been worried, but if Katherine says she's better, she believes her. Katherine says she really is and they hug. Katherine sees a wedding cake behind them and asks what the hell that is. Bree says it's the cake, and Katherine says, "No, that's my cake." Bree says yes, the bride loved Katherine's design. Katherine's like, "No, that's my cake. The one I designed for my wedding. Mine and Mike's." Bree asks if she isn't glad they found another use for it, but I'm thinking not. Katherine seethes that she watched another bride marry Mike, and she's not going to let another one have her cake. Katherine heads toward the cake, and Bree begs for her not to take it out on the cake. Bree physically restrains Katherine and then stands up and screams for help. Bree runs with the cake table, as Katherine chases her -- it all takes place right behind where the wedding ceremony is taking place. Right as the bride and groom are to kiss, there's a crash in the reception hall.
Julie's hospital room. She's sitting in a chair when Susan comes in, glad she's out of bed. Susan apologizes about yesterday, then asks if Julie remembers anything else about the attack. She doesn't. And, come on, we saw the attack and I can tell you that Julie didn't see the attacker. She was facing the opposite direction and never got a glimpse. Susan tells Julie the police don't have much to go on, so it would help if they could talk to the man who she was seeing, so they could maybe cross him off the list. Julie says he didn't do it, but she's not seeing him anymore because she broke it off. Susan says that's motive and Julie should at least let the cops question him. She says if he's innocent, he has nothing to lose, but Julie points out he might lose his family. Susan can't believe Julie's concerned about his family now. She wonders what Julie was thinking dating a married man. Julie ignores her, and Susan asks her not to shut her out. She says she's her mother and she loves her and has spent the last five days here, not eating or sleeping. Julie tells Susan she was lonely, and it just happened. Susan says this isn't something Julie would do, but Julie tells her the perfect daughter Susan remembers has grown up and is going to make mistakes. Susan says she never expected Julie to be perfect, but she didn't raise her to do something this stupid. She says Julie knows what an affair like this can do, since she saw it firsthand. Julie looks guilty as Susan leaves.
Morning outside of Bree's. Katherine shows up and greets her perkily. Bree wonders where she thinks she's going, and Katherine says, "To the test kitchen to start prep on a bar mitzvah." Bree says after she almost destroyed Bree's reputation yesterday, she's fired. She says she's sorry, but she sees no other way to show Katherine how serious this is and that she has to give up this obsession with Mike before it ruins her life. Katherine says she needs to work, because it's all that's keeping her going. Bree says Katherine needs counseling; she's telling her this as her friend. Katherine says Bree's not her friend, but Bree says she is, which is why she's doing this: so that Katherine's only job now is to get better. She tells Katherine she's going to need her to give her her keys. Katherine slowly walks over to Bree and keys Bree's car before handing over the keys.
As Katherine walks away, Mary Alice starts in that you wouldn't know it to look at her, but the lady door is having a nervous breakdown. She says you'd never guess by her smile, but the wife of your uncle once betrayed his trust (we see Ana looking scornful as Gaby and Carlos kiss). "And that daughter you adore, well, she's having an affair with a married man." Susan leaves Julie's hospital room and then we see a man's feet walk up and enter the room. Mary Alice says the sad truth is we don't know our friends and neighbors as well as we think. "Even the people we trust most keep secrets." The camera pans up to Nick Bolen, who stands above a sleeping Julie and tells her, "It's Dominick. I miss you." Well, we might not know what the explosion was, why they changed their names, or why they have to be careful about money, but we at least know who "D" is. Though I guess we still don't know who attacked Julie. And, as Katherine acts more and more batshit crazy, she's increasingly my favorite suspect. And if something bad happens to Bree , it will be all but proven.
Sunday: "The monkey's killing the clown." That's what a kid says to Gaby and Susan, and it looks like it has something to do with a child's birthday party. Deb Scott (yes, I'm ashamed for recognizing her in a preview clip) thinks Gaby's a lousy mother, and she tells her to her face. Uh-oh. A housekeeper catches Bree and Karl being gross. Or intimate. Same thing. Susan tells Katherine that the only problem she and Mike have is her. Lee tells Bob he told him "she" was going to snap. "It's always the pretty ones." I guess Katherine? She must be the one who snaps. Or possibly Susan. Lynette breaks something of Mrs. McCluskey's boyfriend's, Susan and Julie show up at home, and Susan yells that she has a gun. Announcer guy says that no one thought it would come to this, and one housewife will pay the price. We see Lynette, Bree, Katherine, Gaby and Angie, and then a gun shoots through a window. Announcer guy says it's the shot heard round the cul-de-sac. Wait, is Wisteria Lane a cul-de-sac? And how did I not know that?
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has never keyed a car. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.
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