By Jessica
Last week...oh, whatever.
Susan pulls up in her Volvo and looks across her driveway at Lynette, who is -- of course -- screaming at her kids in her front yard. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? DO YOU WANT A SPANKING?" she shrieks. The boys all scream "yeah!" Oh, the more I hate Lynette, the more I sort of love her little asshole children. As Susan gets out of her car, watching this spectacle, MAVO explains that "there is a look that parents of well-behaved children give to the parents of the not so well-behaved. The look that says, 'You should learn to control your kids.'" I think Susan's face is more "You shouldn't have fired your nanny," but whatever. Lynette's squealing sort of trails off when she sees Susan watching her with a mixture of pity and disapproval. Lynette shrugs, and Susan sort of pretends she wasn't watching as she heads into the house with her bag of groceries.
MAVO further explains that it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie, since Julie was a perfect child who brought home straight As, helped her mother with the chores, and cleaned up Susan's mess when she, say, ran down the postman on her bike. "To her mother's way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child," MAVO says, as Susan opens her front door and finds Zack and Julie kissing -- rather chastely, really -- at the kitchen table. They jump apart, and Susan sort of flips her lid. "Were you just kissing my daughter?" she asks. Zack looks around, confused. "Um. A little?" he answers tentatively. Susan drops the groceries and wonders, quite stridently, what on earth they were thinking. Julie tells her to calm down, but Susan presses on, telling Zack that Julie is only fourteen years old! Julie looks deeply mortified. I have to admit, my sister is just fifteen, and if I walked in on her kissing the local boy from the mental institution, I might freak out a bit myself. ["But how old is Zack supposed to be? What's the problem with her being fourteen, unless he's like thirty-five? Not to mention that the only reason the two of them were thrown together in the first place is that Susan dragged Julie into her lame-o investigation." -- Wing Chun] Zack gets up and gathers his books, commenting that he should probably get going. "See you Friday?" Julie calls after him. Susan, of course, wonders what Friday is, and Julie explains that Zack is taking her to "the dance." Susan is like, "Think again, missy." Julie rolls her eyes and tells her mother to "chill." Oh, not a good plan, kid. "Don't tell me to chill! I have no intentions of chilling!" Susan yells. "WHATEVER. I'm taking out the trash," Julie spits, grabbing the trash bag and stomping out the front door. Susan follows her, yelling, as MAVO explains that sometimes, parents of the not-so-well-behaved children have a look, too. "It says, 'Welcome to the club.'" Lynette watches Julie and Susan scream over the trash cans and shoots Susan an incredibly smug and bitchy look. I want to punch her in the face.
I can't believe MAVO has more to say, but she does. Now she's yapping about responsible people yada yada yada mistakes in their pasts blah blah blah. At Casa House Arrest, Carlos reads a magazine while Gabrielle swans around eating peanut butter with a spoon. She glances out the window and sees Miguel's parents -- Helen and the guy who was Milos the Tennis Pro on Seinfeld -- coming up the walk. She yelps that she's going to go get the mail and scampers outside -- all of Gabrielle's plots involve her scampering outside to cover something up, if you haven't noticed -- and drags them into a corner of her lawn that Carlos can't see from the sofa. After some awkward pleasantries, they explain that they need to talk to her about Miguel. Gabrielle stammers that she hasn't talked to him in ages: "It's over, I swear." But they want her to do them a favor. See, Miguel is turning down his college scholarships to expand his gardening business. "Why?" Gabrielle asks. Helen brats that they don't know why: "If we knew why, we wouldn't be talking to you." Milos rolls his eyes and says that Gabrielle has to forgive Helen's rudeness. "She's still not over the whole...." he begins. "Statutory rape thing," Helen finishes. Anyhoo, they want Gabrielle to talk Miguel into going to college. OR ELSE. "So nice to meet you," Milos perks, as they leave.
Casa Hatred. Lynette is on a ladder in the front yard, trying to talk Percale off the roof. I don't know why she isn't inside the house, talking him back in through the window behind him, as I assume that's how he got onto the roof in the first place, but I suspect it's because she is a huge martyr who loves to make a spectacle of how hard she has it all the time. Mid-plea, the boys' grandpa -- in the shape of Ryan O'Neal -- arrives with Gay Matt. The children on the ground all hug him as Lynette comes down the ladder. Gay Matt takes in stride the fact that Polemic is on the roof, and wonders if he can look around for their Frisbee while he's up there. Lynette can't even chuckle at this because no one understands how terrible her life is, please God, won't someone give her a medal? She just hugs Ryan O'Neal and says what a shame it is that "Alison" couldn't make it. Wait, hold the phone. I know there's a good "Alison Parker of Melrose Place" joke in there somewhere, but I just can't work it so that she could possibly be old enough to be Gay Matt's mother, although God knows, being an alcoholic, getting stalked, being molested, dating a sex addict, working for Amanda Woodward, and marrying an old man named Hailey whose daughter is married to your former roommate/fiancé, and who eventually drowns in your apartment building's pool would age you. Ryan O'Neal suggests that Pitchfork come on down and greet him, but Lynette explains that he's too scared to climb down. Ryan O'Neal asks if he can give it a shot and Lynette shrugs, and so Ryan O'Neal climbs up there and says he has an important and character-defining question for Plasma: "Only a little girl would be afraid to come down the ladder. Now, you're not a little girl, are you? I'm not looking at a little girly girl, am I?" he asks.
On the ground, Lynette looks peeved, and, look, I get where she's coming from, but sister, pick your battles. My high-school history teacher once told us a story about how her in-laws refused to accept the fact that she didn't take her husband's -- their son's -- last name, and so they sent everything to them addressed Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo, and she actually crossed out the names and sent all the mail back, because there was no Mrs. SoandSo at that address. Even at fourteen, I thought this was absurdly passive-aggressive. Sure, that was ANNOYING and close-minded and old-fashioned and irritating and rude of her in-laws, but you are NEVER going to win THAT BATTLE, and life is too short to get all worked up about it. Roll your eyes and complain to your husband, and then let it go. They're old. That wasn't a victory for feminism, it was an exercise in passive-aggression. So my point is, Lynette, you are not going to change Ryan O'Neal's attitude, so just teach your kids how girls and boys are just the same through your own behavior and be grateful that the old guy got the kid off the roof. And this is why, when Gay Matt asks how Ryan O'Neal got Panorama down, and Lynette crabs, "Sexism," it's not funny so much as it is a further example of how cranky and irritating she is. However I doubt that, at this point, I will ever say, "right on!" to anything Lynette says -- even if I agree, because, hello, of course I am anti-sexism -- because I want to punch her in the face so much. She is so the Dawson of this show. I don't know how I didn't see it before. She believes that everything everyone does has to do with her and is designed specifically to annoy her, or to defeat her, or to defy her. She has no sense of humor. She's bossy. She has terrible hair. She wears XXL shirts and ugly chokers. She is Dawson Leery, in the body of a suburban housewife. And it is my mission to destroy her.
It's time for the KimberBree and Rex portion of the hour, which can never come soon enough for me. They're sitting with their respective teams of lawyers, discussing their division of assets. KimberBree's hair looks totally amazing. The lawyers would like to start with the country club membership. Rex interrupts, and asks KimberBree what they're doing here. He doesn't want this!: "I thought I did, but I don't." He wants to talk this over before it's too late. "What do you say, [KimberBree], should we send the vultures home?" he pleads. The vultures all give him dirty looks. After a long silence, KimberBree says, "I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis." Yes and the lessons didn't help. "And he hates buffets." Heh. Rex's face falls. KimberBree sort of gulps.
Susan takes her poncho and pays a visit to Creepy Paul. "They were kissing, huh?" he asks. "Right at my kitchen table," Susan says. Paul chuckles that she must have scared the hell out of them. He sips his cocktail and reminds her they're just kids. Susan snaps that it's easy for him -- he's the father of the boy! She's the mother of the girl, and "if things get out of hand...!" Then it's her daughter having the baby, I presume. Behind the living-room door, Zack eavesdrops. Paul asks her what she wants from him, and Susan says that she just wants to know that if the kids are over here, that Paul will supervise. And she also really wants him to stop looking at her like she's crazy. Paul shrugs that this is all irrelevant: "I've sold the house." Susan's eyebrows pop almost to her hairline. "Really?" she asks. "We'll be moving at the end of the month," Paul tells her. This is news to Zack, who comes swinging into the room. "You told me when I got back from Silvercrest that you reconsidered! You lied to me!" he yelps. Paul suggests that Zack take his medication. "What, you think pumping me full of drugs is going to keep me quiet?" he brats. Oy, kids today. When I was a kid, I took my anti-psychotics and I liked it! Paul orders him upstairs, but Zack just squeals that Paul doesn't care about him, and that he didn't care about Mary Alice! "You know what? I wish she'd shot you instead," he screams, and runs out. Susan smiles awkwardly. "So, you're moving? We're all going to miss you."
Lynette's car pulls onto Wisteria Lane. She's haranguing one of her poor children for forgetting something they needed for baseball practice. Lynette? Lynette? Listen to me: remember two weeks ago when you ordered a new nanny? Why don't you find out where that person is and track her down? Okay? Thanks. Anyway, she and Plexiglass come stomping into the living room....and find Ryan O'Neal making out with some lady who is not his wife. Scandale! Lynette awkwardly greets them, and Ryan O'Neal stammers that he thought they were at practice...and then Lynette trips over The Mistress's shoes...and then Plaster comes out with The Mistress's pantyhose...and that is why I never wear pantyhose. Lynette gives Ryan O'Neal a very disappointed look, and he looks appropriately chastened, but she acts as though everything is a-okay around little Polenta, whom she quickly hustles out the door.
Casa Divorce. KimberBree's evergreen-colored sweater is fantastic. She and Rex are bickering in the kitchen. "You only demanded the good china because you know I love it," she snaps. "You take the timeshare in Aspen and you claim I'M vindictive? Come on. You'll hardly ever use that," Rex retorts. KimberBree snaps that, actually, she will never use it. Rex tells her that he plans to use her good china for takeout. "Yeah. Pizza. Spare ribs," he taunts her. Man, I never really noticed it until now, but these two have fantastic chemistry. I seriously think they might start making out. KimberBree tells him that time? She's asking for his golf clubs. And the two of them sort of take a moment and smile at each a little bit. "Isn't divorce fun?" Rex asks. KimberBree continues to look sort of amused and tells him it's time for his medicine. Rex says that he meant what he said: "I will fire my lawyer tomorrow. Just give me the word." KimberBree sighs that she doesn't know if she could ever get over his infidelity. "But if you could find a way to forgive me," he offers. "If we could find a way to be happy, wouldn't you want that?" KimberBree just looks at him. The problem, she says, is that she wants "revenge." If only there were some way they could level the playing field.... Rex chuckles. "So, what does that mean? You want to have an affair?" he asks, and she just shoots him a long look. Now Rex is getting a little antsy about this. "Okay," he says. "So who are we talking about here? Your dopey pharmacist?" KimberBree smiles. "Would that hurt you, Rex? If I slept with another man?" she sings. "It would devastate me," he tells her, quite seriously. They look at each other for a long, sort of weird, hot, moment. And then KimberBree hands him his pills. "Rex, time to take your medicine," she says. He downs the drugs looking strangely both confused and turned out. Great scene. The two of them are head and shoulders above the rest of the pairings on this show. If you told me, three months ago, that I would totally be rooting for Dr. Kimberly Shaw to get back together with the guy who cries when he ejaculates, I would have smacked you across the face with my driving gloves. And yet here we are.
Susan's. She puts the kettle on, so we can all have tea. The phone rings. Julie answers and Susan eavesdrops. She overhears Zack say, "You didn't tell her what I told you, did you? About what happened to Dana?" and her eyes get real big. Julie assures Zack that she can keep a secret. Tragically for Susan, as soon as the going gets good, the tea kettle starts to whistle and she has to hang up before her cover is blown.
KimberBree hangs out at a Wisteria Lane's local diner, drinking coffee. Why, here comes George, who I presume followed her there. On his way to her table, he steals a steak knife from an unoccupied table and pockets it. Like (a) he wouldn't have brought his own weapon; (b) the diner's usual place settings would include a sharp old steak knife instead of a standard knife; and (c) the diner even serves steak. Maybe chicken-fried steak. Damn, I love chicken-fried steak. Shit, now I'm hungry. Where was I? Yes, George. He makes a series of creepy stalker faces and then gets himself under control so that he can greet KimberBree, who is surprised to see him. He explains that he was "out walking" (read: "walking behind her"), and saw her in the window "from the sidewalk" (read: "from the bushes"). "I never thought of you as a diner person," he says. KimberBree says that she isn't, and that the coffee is "dreadful," but that she had to get away from all that sexual chemistry she has with her husband, and this was the only place still open. George hints around that he doesn't want to interrupt, but KimberBree, of course, asks him if he'd like to join her for "a dreadful cup of coffee."
KimberBree stares out the window for a moment before telling him a little story about how she and Rex met: "It was my first week in college. And I went to the meeting of the Young Republicans, where Rex gave a speech and I went up to him afterwards and introduced myself and told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty. And he took me out to a diner, and we stayed up 'til 2 in the morning, talking about big government, gun control, and...illegal immigration," she sighs dreamily. "Ahh, it was just...it was just such a magical night. And I knew, but the time he got me back to my dorm, that one day, I would be Mrs. Rex Van de Kamp." That is the cutest story about Young Republicans ever. Even now, KimberBree continues, she knows she and Rex are meant to be together. But how can she be with someone she can't trust? George, very sympathetically, wonders what she's going to do. She doesn't know, she says: "What do you think?" George furrows his brows: "You're asking me?" KimberBree immediately begins to apologize, but he cuts her off and assures her that it's okay. KimberBree tells him that it's not okay; it was insensitive, as she knows how he feels about her. Under the table, George grips his pant leg, but remains calm on the surface and asks if Rex loves her. KimberBree knows that he does. George: "Is he a good person?" KimberBree thinks about this. "Aside for the adultery, yes," she says. George tells her that if he could get a good person to love him, he would find a way to forgive her. KimberBree smiles at him. "You are such a special man, George Williams," she says, "and you deserve such a special woman." George says that he thinks so, too. He manages not to scream, "AND SHE IS YOU AND I WILL HAVE YOU!"
KimberBree finally gets home from the diner to find Rex curled up on the sofa bed, allegedly asleep. She tiptoes upstairs and he immediately turns over and looks at the clock. It's almost 2 AM. And....act-out! That is not a very good act-out, people. I would have acted out on implying that George might stab KimberBree with his purloined Steak Knife of Stalkery, but that's just me.
Lynette and Ryan O'Neal run into each other over breakfast. He apologizes for the events of the afternoon, explaining that he thought she was going to be out all afternoon. As much as I hate Lynette, it's pretty dumb of Ryan O'Neal to conduct his affair from her living room. In fact, I might call it contrived. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" he asks. Lynette tells him he can start by wiping "that disgusting smirk off [his] face." Oh, shut up. I dislike Lynette so much that she could donate her liver to an orphan child and then save a troop of Girl Scouts from a burning building and I could still find a way to justify wanting to punch her in the face. Anyway, she wants to know how he could do this to Alison. Ryan O'Neal doesn't know. He was on the road all the time...the kids burn you out..."It's complicated." Lynette snaps that it's not at all complicated, which is unfair. It's not RIGHT, but it probably IS complicated: adult relationships generally are. She adds that it's also "completely irresponsible." How bad do you think the heating bills are, there in Lynette's glass house? Ryan O'Neal disagrees. He thinks that staying married to a woman he doesn't love because of the "vows [he] made to God" is the ultimate in responsibility. "So your take on this is that you're the victim?" Lynette snaps. Takes one to know one, lady. Ryan O'Neal just tells her that they're going to have to "agree to disagree," and points out that his sex life is none of her business, and that there's nothing she can do about it, anyway.
Cut to Ryan O'Neal sitting on the curb with his bags. I suspect this was designed to be yet another moment where I am supposed to be all, "Oh, Lynette! You are so brash and sassy and real," and yet I still, yes, want to punch her in the face. Not because she kicked him out, really, mostly for past offenses. But still.
Gay Matt pulls up in the Gay Mattmobile to find his dad sitting on the curb. "I don't want to talk about it," Ryan O'Neal tells him. So Gay Matt goes inside, where Lynette is making him a scotch. "Why is my Dad sitting out on the curb?" he asks. Lynette hands him the drink and explains that Ryan O'Neal is having an affair. Can no one understand that he's suffering from a lot of psychic anguish from when Ali McGraw went and died on him? He's scared to love again, people, it's so obvious. Anyway, Gay Matt is not that surprised. Lynette says she expected a bigger reaction from him. Gay Matt tells her that his father has been spreading the love for years: "I didn't know he was still at it. I figured he was getting too old. In some strange way, I'm actually impressed." This is the point in the conversation where the majority of women would either roll their eyes or give him a dirty look. Lynette, on the other hand, simply shrieks, "Please don't tell me you're all right with this!" Gay Matt sighs and swears that he isn't: "He never should have brought that woman over here." No, he shouldn't have. Lynette makes some high-pitched noises that I believe dogs can understand, but I can't. Gay Matt finally tells her that his mother has made her peace with Ryan O'Neal's wandering johnson. Lynette doubts it. Gay Matt, clearly seeing all the signs of an impending eruption from Volcano Lynette, says that he's going to go get his father, put him in his room, and they can all just take some time to cool off. "That man is not coming back in this house," Lynette spits. Um, okay, Lynette? He's your husband's father, and you and the kids aren't in any danger from him. Later, if you guys want to put up a united front about this and not let him back in to see the grandkids who clearly adore him, that's your business, but you can't make that decision in the middle of his stay. Man, Lynette is really scared that Gay Matt is going to cheat on her; this is clearly a hot-button issue for her. Anyway, they bicker about it, and finally Gay Matt goes, "This is my house and you can't tell me what to do," and, predictably...
...we cut to Gay Matt sitting outside on the curb to his father. "I say we go up there and kick the door down," Ryan O'Neal suggests. "Tell me how that works out for you," Gay Matt mutters.
As so often happens with Gabrielle's plotlines, I forget she even exists until she shows up again. She's come to see Miguel at his bachelor apartment. His roommate totally checks her out when he lets her in. Miguel whisks her away from such prying eyes and takes her into his bedroom, where she avoids his kisses and asks him what happened to college. He tells her something vague to the effect that "an opportunity has presented itself," and in order to take advantage of said opportunity, he needs to start making money. "What opportunity is more important than college?" Gabrielle asks, and I am so jaded that I thought somehow that selling drugs was going to be involved in his answer. Actually, he wants to sweep in and marry her now that Carlos is a big old jailbird. The boy actually gets down on one knee: "Mrs. Solis, will you marry me?"
Casa Teen Love. Julie is getting ready for the dance and rolling her eyes at her mother. "Please, why else would you want to chaperone the dance?" she asks. Susan explains that KimberBree really needed chaperones at the last minute. Julie is going to strain something, with all the eye-rolling. "You are so transparent," she sniffs. Susan promises that Julie won't even know she's there, "not too much." Then she moves into the whole sneaky If You Had A Problem Or If Something Was Weighing On Your Mind, You Would Tell Me, WOULDN'T YOU? section of the evening, but Julie smoothly lies that she tells her mother everything. Susan looks sad.
Casa Murder/Suicide. Zack, struggling to put on his tie, complains that Paul is "uprooting them," and then there's this whole bit of blocking wherein Paul is helping Zack tie his tie and it's all very "Paul could STRANGLE HIM," but I don't think Paul is going to kill Zack with his tie when there's a entire kitchen of gadgets right around the corner. Paul wonders if Zack ever talks to Julie about his mother, and Zack says he tells her all kinds of things. Like all the whack shit he's started to remember. Stuff from when he was little. Paul asks what, exactly, he remembers, and Zack says he remembers "lots of blood. Mom screaming. And Dana. I remember killing Dana." Well, off to the dance! Not really. Paul actually just says, "And you told this to Julie?" Zack explains that he trusts Julie. "Did she tell her mother?" Paul asks. Zack doesn't know. Paul sighs, and fiddles with the Tie Of Doom: "Start from the beginning. I want you to tell me everything you told Julie."
Cut to the dance, where people are grooving rhythmlessly. Zack comes over to Julie and gives her a corsage. Why on earth are they meeting at school if they live two doors down from each other?
Over by the punch bowl, KimberBree dances perkily, Susan spies on her daughter, and Paul lurks around. "What is he doing here?" Susan asks KimberBree, who tells her that Paul called and volunteered just a few hours ago. Susan thinks this is weird. "Maybe he's just trying to be supportive," KimberBree chirps. "Maybe," Susan says. I love how everyone who lives on this show, save Susan, has totally forgotten Mary Alice's mysterious death.
Ninetoes Pharmacy. Rex comes in to pick up his pills and threaten George. He opens by wondering if George has seen KimberBree lately. George confirms that he just saw her last night! They had a real nice talk. "That's all you did?" Rex asks. "Just talk?" George smiles that he and KimberBree are just friends. Rex is glad to hear it: "You know, if you ever do get a vibe from KimberBree that she's interested in more than just friendship, I'd be careful if I were you." "Excuse me?" George asks. Rex kindly explains that George should know that, if KimberBree ever put the moves on him, it would just be to even up the score with Rex: "Don't fall for it." George gives Rex a very dirty look and tells him that KimberBree is a lady, and would never use him like that. Rex sort of snorts: "Exactly. A very beautiful, classy lady. Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists," Rex smiles. Oh, Rex, you smug bastard. I think I love you. George smirks. "[KimberBree] is very beautiful and very classy, but she's not very perceptive," he says. "For instance, she thinks you're a good person and it's now very clear to me, you aren't." Rex just calmly announces that he'd like his prescription now. George pretends not to find them, of course, so that he can swap them out for something that will kill poor Rex, or, at the very least, send him to Comaville. Just a speculation. Although I would like to say that, if Rex dies, my rage will be powerful.
Dance of the Damned. "Dust in the Wind" plays in the background. In a hilarious editing mistake, Paul walks across the dance floor while the extras are all still jamming to a much faster song. We cut to Susan watching Paul for a quick moment, and as soon as we cut back to Paul, the kids are all slow-dancing. Paul asks Susan to join him on the dance floor, and, frankly, I'm pissed. I am totally going to be singing "Dust in the Wind" for the rest of the night. So, Susan just up and confesses that she overheard a very interesting conversation between Julie and Zack the other night. "Zack was telling Julie about what happened to Dana," she says. Paul carefully wonders how much she heard. "Everything?" Susan says in a much less confident way than I suspect she intended. Oh, Susan. You are so setting yourself up to be killed with a panini maker.
Paul is silent for a long moment, and then tells Susan that it was, of course, an accident. Susan vaguely says that she thought as much. "He didn't mean to kill Dana," Paul continues. "He was practically a baby himself. He didn't understand what he was doing." Susan is clearly stunned, and stammers that of course, he didn't. "What happened exactly?" she asks. Paul sighs that he and Mary Alice never really knew. They heard the baby screaming, but by the time they got to the crib, it was too late. Susan is so sorry. Paul creepily squeezes her closer. "So you and Mary Alice just kept this to yourself all these years?" Susan asks. Paul tells her that it was a "dark chapter" they didn't want to relive. I guess we're supposed to assume this happened before they moved to Wisteria Lane, because otherwise the rest of the neighbors would have realized that the Youngs were missing a kid, but if that is the case, then why was there a body under the pool? Or did they put the pool in just to hide the body? Or did they move around with the body in the trunk, and then, once they were settled, did they drain the pool, chop up the bottom of it, bury the trunk, fix the bottom of the pool and then refill it? Or, I guess, the body in the truck could have been killed well after Zack allegedly killed Dana, but that still doesn't explain how it got under the pool. My head hurts. Anyway, Paul would appreciate Susan's discretion in keeping this sad tale to herself. "Sure," Susan says, looking very disturbed as she watches Zack and Julie laugh together. Even if Paul's story is true -- which it isn't -- I can see why Susan would find it sad and disturbing, but I don't see why she would really be worried about Julie. Zack was just a baby when he accidentally killed his sibling. It does not make him a homicidal maniac. I would be much more worried about how squirrelly he acts all the time, and we knew about that long before we'd even heard about Dana.
Zack and Paul drive home. Zack apologizes for talking to Julie about their private business, but swears that she promised to keep her mouth shut. Paul nods, and says that he's handled Susan, but that the two of them need to talk about what Zack thinks he remembers. "You didn't kill anyone," Paul says. Zack looks stunned, and says that he remembers it! This is totally like a current plotline on Passions, where Sheridan totally thinks she killed her mom, but she didn't, because her mother actually just ran off to Mexico with Sheridan's future husband's father, Martin. Paul tells Zack that memories can lie: "You didn't kill anyone. Dana is very much alive." I have to say, I didn't see that coming.
Oh, right, the whole thing with Gabrielle and Miguel! I forgot them! Again! Anyway, his parents show up at her house and they want Helen's grandmother's engagement ring back and -- hold the phone. She accepted the proposal? Oh, Gabrielle. She stammers that she was caught off-guard, and that of course she's giving the ring back. Dude, she's nuts. I hope she off and marries him. Helen sputters that if Gabrielle ruins Miguel's life, Helen will ruin Gabrielle's. Well, yes, of course. We assumed so. Milos sees the wild look in his wife's eyes and sends her back to the car. Gabrielle apologizes and swears she's not going to marry Miguel. Milos thinks this is wise. "We appreciate everything you've done," he says, and starts to go. She calls him back and asks why he's so nice to her. Milos shrugs that what happened between her and Miguel is as much Miguel's fault as it is hers. "I guess," Gabrielle offers. She understands if Milos hates her just a little, she says. Milos looks over at his wife, who is clearly steamed. "When I was a kid, I always played by the rules," he says. "I never cheated on a test, never even missed a curfew But I can't help but think how wonderful it would have been to have made at least one mistake like you." Gabrielle smiles. "That's...sweet. You're very sweet," she tells him. He grins that he's a little sweet, but he's mostly just middle-aged. Gabrielle giggles nervously as he goes. I can't wait until she sleeps with him, too. Come on, don't you think that could happen? Imagine the drama!
Paul and Zack get home from the dance and spill out of the car. Clearly, they had a much longer conversation than we were privy to. Paul says that he knows this is a lot to "digest" all at once, but Zack is just happy to know the truth: "One thing, though: why are you telling me all this now?" Paul says he couldn't let Zack go through life thinking he was a murderer. "Or you just didn't want me running my mouth," Zack snaps. Paul denies this, and after some staring, Zack promises that he won't tell anyone anything. "I'll keep your secret, Dad," he spits. Huh. That's interesting. Is Paul not his real dad, perchance? It sounds like it. "But we're not moving," he says. Paul says that's out of the question. Zack makes a bratty face: "Well, I'm not leaving Julie, and if you want my support that's the deal." It looks like that's going to be the deal, people.
Oh, God, fucking Lynette. I forgot about her. I was in such a happy place then. Anyway, she and Gay Matt are in bed. He's just settled in with a magazine when she starts in on him. "So, here's the thing," she says, in this schmoopy voice. "I feel really awful about how I acted before." She knows she overreacted, and she's sorry. He tells her that the way his mother chooses to live her life is none of Lynette's business. She agrees, and starts to explain why she got so upset, but gives up midway, kisses him, and rolls over to go to sleep. "Okay, get it off your chest," Gay Matt groans. In order to get the entire impact of this scene, you need to know that Lynette delivers this little performance in what is practically a baby voice, which makes me want to punch her in her bony sternum. She observes that this whole Unfaithful Father thing doesn't seem to bother Gay Matt very much, and that worries her, because if he can condone that kind of behavior, maybe that means he's more likely to do it. Gay Matt points out that he is not his father. "Of course, you're not your father," Lynette sings, and rolls over to sleep. And then rolls back to conclude -- and please don't forget the baby voice: "And just so we're absolutely clear, I am definitely not your mother. Because if you ever betray me, I will leave you. I will take the kids and I will walk out that door and you will never see any of us again!" Gay Matt just looks at her. She sighs. "Glad to get that off my chest! Thank you! I love you!" Lynette perks and goes right to sleep. Gay Matt! This is it! This is your out! Go find a woman -- any woman -- and sleep with her! Do it now!
Instead, Gay Matt goes downstairs, where he finds Ryan O'Neal. Neither of them can sleep. Ryan O'Neal is so sorry for waking the dragon within Lynette, but Gay Matt tells him he's not upset about that. "There's something that Lynette doesn't know about, Dad," he says, very seriously. "Something that I did. And don't know what's going to happen if she ever finds out." I hope it turns out that he works as a hired killer. And that Lynette is victim!
Oh, right, Gabrielle. She gives Miguel his ring back, and he responds by throwing a vase at the wall. He loves her! Love isn't enough! Where would they live? How would they live? How, Miguel, how? Miguel makes that tired old Poor But Happy argument, and Gabrielle tells him she's tried that. She wasn't so happy. Miguel points out that Carlos is probably going to the Big House, and asks if she really plan on waiting around for him. Gabrielle shrugs. "Every once in a while, even I want to do the right thing," she tells him. But Miguel loves her: "Doesn't that mean anything?" Gabrielle turns away him and lies that no, it doesn't: "You were a toy. A sweet, dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because you and me? No future." Miguel storms out in a heartbroken huff, and Gabrielle tries not to sob. I feel like they've both already done that scene like nine times, back when they were on day time soaps. For example, Miguel's girlfriend Charity had to break off their engagement after she promised Death that she would give up Miguel if Death would spare the life of the baby Miguel had with Charity's cousin Kay, who had cast a spell on herself so that she would look just like Charity and therefore be able to con Miguel into boning her. This was very much like that.
Zack shows up at Susan's, looking for Julie. Susan tells him she's in the shower. He pushes his way in and announces that he and his father are not moving: "So I guess we're going to keep living across the street." Yes, that follows, brainiac. Susan is shocked, and tells him that they need to talk. She informs him, nicely, that Julie is only fourteen. And she's not mature enough to make the right decisions. Susan has to protect Julie -- not from Zack, exactly, she explains. She thinks Zack and Julie need to slow down: "I want you to not see her for a while." Zack leaps up. "You're not taking her away from me," he announces. Susan, sort of amused, tells him not to be so dramatic, so he takes her advice and throws a table across the room. "Do you think this is funny?" he yells. Susan, freaked out, gasps that he's making this very easy for her. She forbids him to see or talk to Julie, and tells him that if he comes around again, she will call the police. And she throws him out. I have to say, I'm kind of with Susan here. He's a nutbag.
Ending montage time: Miguel sadly gives the ring back to his dad, who pats him sympathetically. Gabrielle settles into bed with Carlos and looks very sad. Rex takes his medication from KimberBree, who sighs. Lynette walks Ryan O'Neal out of the house, and gives him a very sincere-seeming hug. She looks sad as he drives away. Susan knocks on Julie's door, but Julie's room is empty, and her window is wide open.
At Wisteria High, Julie and Zack rendezvous in the gym. He's glad she came, he says. Julie explains that she can't stay: if Susan finds out she's gone, she will freak. "She said I can't see you anymore. What are we going to do?" she asks him, and he pulls her in for a long hug. DUM DUM DU -- oh, I guess that's not appropriate in this instance.