By Jessica
It's morning on Wisteria Lane. Edie leans against a car and looks forlorn as MAVO explains that poor Edie never had any girlfriends and it really made her sad. She wished other women liked her, and never understood why they didn't. We flash back to Edie moving into her house on Wisteria Lane. She waves gaily at the Fearsome Foursome -- who are spying on her as she unloads the moving van -- and they wave back half-heartedly before beginning to bitch about her. Hey, where's Mary Alice? She wasn't dead yet -- shouldn't she have been out there, spying and judging with everyone else? I am also compelled to point out that this little vignette serves only to make the ladies look bitchy. It's one thing to dislike a woman because she hit on your husband; it's entirely another to dismiss her the moment you see her because she's wearing a slutty top. Anyway, according to MAVO, although Mrs. Kravitz was consistently insulting to Edie, she was also Edie's "first real friend." This is having the unintended effect, I suspect, of making me feel bad for Edie. At any rate, now Mrs. Kravitz is missing, and Edie really wants to get her friend back.
Cue the arrival of Harriet Sansom Harris -- best known to Frasier fans as Frasier's crazy fabulous agent BeBe, and to X-Files fans as the fabulously crazy Eves. She emerges from a taxi, draped in an Hermes scarf, carrying a Kelly bag and rocking the Anna Wintour bob. She's Felicia Tillman, Mrs. Kravitz's sister. Edie is surprised by the disparity in their appearance and stutters that she doesn't see the family resemblance. "It's there, it just takes a while to become apparent," Felicia assures her dryly, then asks if Edie has a key to the house. Edie says that after the police kicked the door down, they gave her the key to a temporary lock. They head toward the house and Edie explains that the neighborhood is getting together to pass out flyers at noon. She knows Felicia must be very worried about her sister. "I'm not worried, Edie," Felicia assures her. "Martha and I have a very intense bond. We were connected at the most primal level. And a few days ago, I felt this sensation in my soul. That's when it first dawned on me that something had happened to my sister. And then when she didn't arrive at my home as scheduled, well, that's when I knew she was dead." Edie looks horrified and tells Felicia not to think like that. "Martha's only missing!" she squeaks. "Nooo, Edie. She's dead," Felicia tells her, and heads for the door. I think I kind of love her. "But she's my sister, and I am going to find out exactly what happened to her." Edie nods and assures Felicia that it's natural to "freak out when a loved one is missing." Felicia turns back to her and smiles sweetly. "Oooooh, 'loved one'? Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman, and the day she died this world became a better place." Her smile gets wider and sunnier as Edie's mouth drops open. Felicia is just adorable.
Cut to the Flyer Passing Out Party. Everyone gathers in Mrs. Kravitz's lawn. MAVO explains that some of neighbors were there to help, some were there because of natural nosiness, and some were there, PAUL YOUNG, to find out what exactly the police knew, when they knew it, and if what they know has anything to do with a blender and a shallow grave. The detective tells the assembled to pass Mrs. Kravitz's "Missing" flyers out everywhere they think of, and turns to Edie. Edie sniffs and thanks them all for coming. She's so sad that her last conversation with Mrs. Kravitz was an angry one. She lies awake thinking about it, she cries, and then flings herself into the detective's arms. Over in the corner of the lawn, Lynette crabs that she doesn't know how Edie did it, but she managed to make Mrs. Kravitz's ordeal all about her. Yeah, like YOU'VE never done that, Lynette. Shut up. Susan changes the subject and wonders how Rex is doing. Lynette says that he's getting out of the hospital that very day. "I don't know how he had a heart attack," Susan sighs. "He was so young." Darling, stupid Susan, he still is: he's not dead. Yet. KimberBree hasn't gotten him home yet. Gabrielle hasn't been listening to any of this, and notes that Felicia is totally creepy. Lynette wonders if Mrs. Kravitz is dead. Susan shakes her head: "We're talking about [Mrs. Kravitz]. She's like a roach."
Across the lawn, Paul tells Felicia that everyone is praying for Mrs. Kravitz's safe return. "Oh, I seriously doubt that," Felicia drawls. She's kind of fabulous, isn't she?
Cut to Wilshire General Hospital. Andrew, Danielle, and KimberBree look through a window into Rex's hospital room, where he's doing the Languishing in Bed thing. "What do you mean, you're not taking care of him?" Danielle asks. She looks as she usually does: sobby and swollen-faced. Andrew yelps that Rex has got to have a place to recuperate. KimberBree tells Andrew that Rex is perfectly free to check into a motel, since she's not letting him back into her house. Danielle snuffles that she thought they were getting along much better. She asks what happened. KimberBree tells her that it's none of her business. Andrew spits that he thinks this is incredibly selfish. "I am so looking forward to the day when I get to put you in a nursing home," he says. KimberBree looks at him sharply: "I'm sorry to disappoint you, Andrew, but my plan is to have an embolism and to die young." Andrew retorts that while they're all rooting for her, she might not be that lucky. And then she'll be sorry then for abandoning Rex. KimberBree begins to say that Andrew wouldn't be saying that if he knew.... And then she trails off. Andrew demands to know what Rex did that was so very awful. KimberBree clearly thinks about telling her son that his father was nailing the local dominatrix, but she decides against it. Instead, she says, "Fine. I will see your father through this. But after that, he can rot in hell for all I care." And with that, she storms out. Danielle sniffs. "We're not like other families, are we?" she asks. Andrew shakes his head. "No, we're not," he tells her.
Casa Incarcerated. Gabrielle's house is, interestingly, once again totally full of her furniture and her silver tea set and everything. How is that possible? Didn't she just store them in KimberBree's garage, to prevent them from getting repossessed? Why does she have it all back now? Yao Lin serves coffee as the lawyer tells Gabrielle that it's not his fault all their bank accounts are frozen. Gabrielle doesn't care whose fault it is -- she just wants him to fix it, because she's running out of money. Yao Lin wonders if maybe Gabrielle should sell some of her jewelry. "There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly," she says. "Don't you have a toilet to scrub?" Gabrielle wonders icily. She stamps her feet and brats that she's so mad at Carlos! "What was he thinking, exporting goods made with slave labor? Why couldn't he have embezzled like other white-collar criminals?" she asks. The lawyer sighs that they just need his passport; then he can make bail, and they can argue that he needs money to live on, and the Feds will unfreeze one of his smaller accounts. Gabrielle lies that she still hasn't found the passport. "Gabrielle wanted her lifestyle back, no question," MAVO intones. "But she wanted her husband to suffer for his betrayal even more." Which betrayal is she talking about? Is this a betrayal we don't know about? Or is this just the whole He's A Smooth Criminal thing? Anyway. Gabrielle tells the lawyer she's still looking for the passport. "In that case, you might want to think about looking for a job," the lawyer tells her. Yao Lin snorts in disbelief.
Casa Klutzy. Susan and Mike flirt while he fiddles with her kitchen sink. That is not a euphemism. The doorbell rings: it's Karl. He needs her to sign some tax stuff. She ushers him into the kitchen and does the intros. "Right, the plumber," Karl says, regarding Mike. Mike just gives him a "girl, please," look, and then scampers home to get "the right washer" for Susan's sink. She giggles as he leaves. She signs the papers, and yaps to Karl about Julie's birthday plans: they're going to a piano bar with all her little girlfriends. Karl moons that this sounds really fun. Susan absentmindedly tells him to give her best to Brandi, and he tells her that they've broken up. He caught Brandi with another man. Susan, with great restraint, doesn't inform him snottily that karma is a boomerang, but maturely tells him that she's sorry he had to go through that, and gives him a hug. He squeezes her extra-tight and sniffs that it's "really hard for [him] right now." Mike walks in as Karl and Susan are still hugging, and she shoots him an "I don't even KNOW look," and Mike sort of rolls his eyes, and then she makes the "call me" sign and he leaves with a "what has she gotten herself into now?" expression. Susan extricates herself from Karl's clutches and suggests that he try ripping up old photos. He sadly tells her to have a fun weekend and asks her to let him know how Julie's party goes and she, of course, invites him along, because although Susan is clumsy and slightly dim, she's very kind hearted. Karl embraces her gleefully. "You're the best!" he tells her. She squeaks. "Oh, I am the best, aren't I?" she manages to get out.
Casa One Of These Plots Is Not Like The Other. Lynette is making a to-do list on the back of Mrs. Kravitz's "Missing" flyer. Said flyer, by the way, lists Mrs. Kravitz as being five foot three and one hundred and twenty pounds. Which...no offense, Mrs. Kravitz, but I am so sure. Lynette, by the way, is the very picture of unwashed ass here, all wonky greasy uneven ponytail and washed-out complexion. And it's not like I'm rocking my marabou-trimmed slippers 365 days a year, but Lynette looks like she just crawled out of a sinkhole. She's yapping to Gay Matt about getting a new water heater at the mall the day, and he moans that he's wiped out and asks if they can talk about it tomorrow. I notice that Lynette has replaced her choker with the only more irritating piece of jewelry in existence: the pinky ring. What ? I literally am unable to think of anything more obnoxious than the pinky ring. Maybe a black velvet choker with a little pewter daisy hanging from it, circa Brenda Walsh. Lynette and Matt settle in to sleep. Lynette mumbles something about Matt setting up the coffee maker. Whiny, whiny -- and why does it matter, on the weekend, if they have to wait five extra minutes for the coffee to brew? I assume the day is a weekend day, at any rate, because who shops for a water heater on a weekday if it's not an emergency, which this doesn't appear to be. On the other hand, who the hell buys a water heater at the mall? Anyway, Lynette nags Gay Matt into getting out of bed to go downstairs to set up the coffee maker.
Meanwhile, Claire is loading the washer. In the dead of night. And, mid-load, she notices that there's some baby food on her robe, and she tosses it into the washer along with everything else, leaving her naked. In someone else's house. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but let's go with it. But tragically, and unsurprisingly, as Claire skitters back to her room naked -- and why was she walking around naked under her robe in a house with three little boys anyway?-- she runs into Gay Matt, who is, of course, utterly entranced by Claire's boobies. That is so very Susan of her. Claire and Gay Matt have a very, very awkward conversation wherein she turns around and he can't look away from her bare back. Is she wearing panties? That seems like it would make a difference, but go ahead and decide for yourself, you detail-oriented perv. They chat idly -- and awkwardly, like I said -- about the coffee, and I don't know why Gay Matt is still talking to the poor girl, or why he doesn't look away, and I also don't know why she doesn't grab an afghan or a pillow off the sofa for modesty. I do know that if this is supposed to make my boyfriend Gay Matt look like a letch, I really don't appreciate that. Anyway, Claire offers to make the coffee and Gay Matt then races upstairs and puts the moves on Lynette, because Claire's hot naked ass made him horny. I have to say that Doug Savant was hilarious in that scene, because he chose to act as though Claire's ass put him in some kind of trance. He hasn't blinked in, like, ten minutes.
The morning, Claire comes downstairs to Lynette, and gets herself a cup of the Coffee of Nudity. She sheepishly admits that she didn't want to come down until Gay Matt left for work, because she's still a little embarrassed. But I thought Lynette and Gay Matt were going to the mall to get the water heater! Who gets a water heater on a weekday? I am so confused. And so is Lynette, about the possible reasons that Claire could possibly be embarrassed around Gay Matt. Claire blushes and recounts the entire sordid story. Lynette looks displeased, and also wrinkled.
Gabrielle has taken her absurdly short model self to the town's local modeling agency. The agent looks through her book and tells her that he can get her work, but cautions that it'll be different from the work she did as The World's Shortest Supermodel. "Of course," Gabrielle sniffs. "I made $10,000 a day." Because Gabrielle was apparently Linda Evangelista in a former life. Gabrielle assures him that she knows this is...lower-rent work. The agent nods, and tells her that he's got a great gig at the mall! Just her and a car and a revolving platform! Gabrielle is not particularly thrilled with this, but the agent reminds her that he's the only modeling agent for 100 miles -- it's his way or the highway. Hmmm. How is this possible? How far out in the sticks are they? 100 miles is a long, long way. Where is Gay Matt, for example, commuting to? He's the President of Something For Some Big Company. Surely, they're not located in Nowheresville. And what about Carlos? Where the hell is he commuting to? This just doesn't make any sense. I swear, it's like every scene on this show takes place in an entirely different universe from any other scene. Anyway, Gabrielle sighs, and bites the bullet: "This Buick thing. Does it include lunch?"
Speaking of meals, KimberBree serves Rex his lunch on a platter as he recoups on the sofa. I long for her fancy apron. I clearly need one of those. Anyway, Rex is really grateful for what she's doing for him. Or at least he claims to be. KimberBree sniffs that she doesn't need his gratitude: "You're only here because your children are master extortionists." Rex is surprised that KimberBree didn't tell Andrew about.... "Your adultery?" KimberBree sings. "Nooo. I decided to keep that little gem all to myself." Rex wonders if she would feel better if he told her he was really, really, really sorry. KimberBree says that it would make her feel better...if she had any feelings for him anymore: "But, as it stands, the place you used to occupy in my heart is very much empty now." Rex finds this hard to believe, and points to his beautifully appointed lunch tray as proof. "The tray was prepared with tender loving care," he says, waving at the good china and carefully arranged bouquet. KimberBree smiles brightly: "Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection." And with that, she sweeps out, taking the flowers with her. Bless her heart.
Night falls. Mike and Susan are making out at her place. She catches a glimpse of Mrs. Kravitz's "Missing" flyer out of the corner of her eye, and breaks away from the tonsil hockey to turn it upside down. Mike cracks up. "You're just...God, I love you." He says. He does? Wow, that was quick. Susan is pleased by this, of course, but somewhat surprised. "Oh! Well! That's...great!" she stutters. Well, I guess that's better than "thank you." She dives back into the making out, but Mike pulls away to tell her that the "I love you" just popped out. Susan admits that it just caught her off-guard. "I want to say it back!" she begins, and Mike chimes in that he knows she's not ready and that's okay. "You're not mad, are you?" she asks, and he assures her that he's not. "We haven't even been dating that long, and you have other issues, I get it," he says. She just kisses him, until it registers. "'Issues'? What kind of issues do you think I have?" she asks. Mike sighs: "You know what? I retract my statement. I no longer love you. In fact, I just think of you as a really good buddy." Susan won't accept this, though, and reiterates that she'd love to hear his insights. Mike puts on his Dr. Freud hat, and tells her that he thinks her divorce made her hurt and vulnerable. Susan rolls her eyes. "The postman knows that," she tells him. Mike also thinks she might still be into Karl. This, Susan vehemently denies: "I loathe Karl. And the postman will back me up on that, too." Mike says that he just thinks that there's a part of Susan that's still hung up on Karl. He points out that as soon as she found out Brandi broke up with Karl, she hugged him and invited him to a party. Susan makes a sour face and announces that the analysis portion of the evening is over. She then leaps off the bed and starts to...do the laundry? They're...making out on a bed in the laundry room? Susan has moved a washer dryer into her bedroom? What? I am ever so confused. Further review of the tape indicates that this is not her bedroom, but who has a bed in the laundry room? Is this the spare bedroom? I totally miss their exchange as I am puzzling over this, but somehow Mike has been strong-armed into coming to Julie's party.
Ye Olde Wisteria Lane Pharmacy. KimberBree is filling a prescription for Rex, and exchanging flirtatious niceties with George, the exceedingly white-toothed pharmacist. George is yapping about how, due to Rex's condition, he's at risk for an inflammation of the membrane around his heart and will need constant supervision. KimberBree grits that she's heard that. Behind her, an old man in a wheelchair coughs, and his crotchety old wife adjusts him. MAVO singsongs that KimberBree "caught a sickening glimpse of her future" in this old couple. Hiding her horrified face, KimberBree whips around asks George to come to dinner with her. He, understandably, wonders what Rex will think about this. KimberBree smiles winsomely, and explains that although she's taking care of Rex, they have actually separated.
Meanwhile, out in the woods, a cop finds Mrs. Kravitz's car abandoned by the side of a dirt road, to the interstate. Huh. How did Paul manage that? How did he get home if he dumped it there? How did he keep his DNA from getting all over the seats? Anyway, the policeman calls it in, and the thing you know, all the neighbors are canvassing the woods. KimberBree steps carefully and tells Lynette and Susan, "I'm keeping my eyes on the horizon. Please let me know if I am about to step on a body part." Where is Gabrielle? Maybe she's at the car show. Anyway, Lynette suggests that they talk about something more cheerful as they look for their neighbor's decomposing body, so Susan tells them that Mike said the L word. Lynette and KimberBree squeal, and everyone else comes running, thinking they've found the body. "Susan just had some really good news, sorry," Lynette has to tell them. Edie's face falls and she storms off. "Susan always funds a way to make it about her," she says.
Ah, Gabrielle is at the mall, talking about the Lovely Buick Product Placement. She's got a burly woman working there with her, giving her the thumbs up and eying her fine bod. As Gabrielle does her thing, she looks up toward the escalator and sees Lynette and Gay Matt heading toward her. But...Lynette is in the woods looking for the body....and I thought Gabrielle wasn't there because she was at the mall...so Lynette is in two places at once? Or....this is later? Or....God, editors, please start using some transitions. Thank you. Anyway, there's all this silly business about Gabrielle deciding that she has to hide from Lynette the fact that she's working at the mall, which goes up to and includes hiding behind the turntable and then there's some blah blah about her fancy formal dress getting caught and it's all very charming, but eventually Gabrielle is forced to talk to the Scavos. "What are you doing here?" she asks. "Buying...a new water heater," Gay Matt forces out. "What about you?" Again, with the buying the water heater at the mall? I don't even know. Gabrielle says she's "doing a little shopping" to get her mind off how all her bank accounts have been frozen. Finally, Burly Lady comes up and unhooks Gabrielle before she does an Isadora Duncan on the turntable, and Lynette mentions that Gabrielle looks a bit "formal" for the mall. Gabrielle yammers something about matching her shoes to her dress -- which doesn't even approximate common sense -- and then introduces "Sarah" as her "shopping buddy." Sarah looks pleased as punch. "Okay!" Lynette chirps. "Well, you gals shop your little hearts out," she says, and takes off with Gay Matt. Gabrielle sighs.
Casa S&M. KimberBree sails downstairs, looking amazing in a red satin sheath and an updo. Rex is appropriately impressed and wonders if she's going out. KimberBree sings that she has a date. She doesn't want to give him another heart attack, but it's true: "It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man, and I intend to French the hell out of him." Brilliant. The bell rings, as Rex looks studiously nonplussed. KimberBree ushers George inside, after he presents her with a bouquet from his garden. She reintroduces George and her husband. Rex gives George a sarcastic little wave. George stutters that he thought Rex and KimberBree were separated. KimberBree: "Oh we are, emotionally. Physically, he just lives here because his mistress refuses to care for him. Would you like a drink?" She then instructs Rex to "say hello to George." Rex: "Hello, George." George: "Hello, Dr. Van de Kamp." KimberBree skitters off to put her flowers in some water, and George takes a seat. The men chat about Rex's heart and the pharmacy, and Rex suddenly just starts laughing: "I recently engaged in some extra-curricular activity, and [KimberBree's] doing everything she can to make me suffer. All you can do is laugh!" George looks startled and guesses that's true. Poor George. Reenter KimberBree, who coos that George's flowers are the best ones she's ever gotten. She shoots Rex a dirty look and then announces that she's ready to go. "It was nice talking to you, Dr. Van de Kamp," George says. "Please! You're dating my wife. Call me Rex," Rex says. That was a very sharply done scene, from all three actors. Well played, folks.
The mall. I guess Gay Matt and Lynette have spent all day there. Lynette passively-aggressively comments that the salesgirl who sold them the water heater "had a cute figure." Gay Matt agrees, sounding both cautious and confused. "She was so your type. Big breasts. Really curvy," Lynette says. Gay Matt is all, "What the hell are you talking about?" Lynette says that she's just saying that he prefers women who are really curvy, that's all: "Like that salesgirl...or Claire." Gay Matt assures her that he prefers only one type, and that is her. He kisses her cheek. "Aw, you kiss me like that would end this conversation, and that is so wrong," she sings. Matt wonders why he's in trouble. "The only reason you made love to me the other night was because you had just seen Claire naked," she tells him. "Oh, crap," Gay Matt says mildly.
Cut to Gay Matt and Lynette in the car, driving out of the mall toward the parking payment booth. Matt tells Lynette that Claire is a great nanny, and that it would be stupid to lose her over something like this. Lynette reminds him that they've had crushes before and they've always laughed about it. What worries her this time is that Gay Matt is denying that he's attracted to Claire. Matt stutters that he's not denying it. "Oh, so you are attracted to her?" Lynette snaps. "I didn't say that," he reports. And so Lynette stops the car about fifteen feet away from the parking booth, holding up EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON TRYING TO GET OUT OF THE MALL BECAUSE SHE IS A BIG BABY. Selfish, selfish Lynette. PEOPLE WANT TO GET HOME, BITCH. PAY YOUR TICKET AND FIGHT LATER. There is so much honking. But Lynette announces, "We are not going anywhere until you admit you have the hots for our nanny." She then goes into this whole Men Are Visual Creatures spiel, but I hear none of it, because her ridiculous behavior here is so fucking rude to the rest of the planet. I got stuck in a line to pay for parking once at the Beverly Center for, like, an hour and a half and I literally almost lost my mind. Thinking about that makes me want to PUNCH LYNETTE RIGHT IN HER SELFISH BITCHFACE. A woman actually gets out of the car and knocks on their window "We'd all like to get out of here. Is there a problem?" she asks. Lynette smiles: "My husband won't admit he has lust in his heart. Can you give us a minute?" she asks. And I think we're supposed to think, "Oh, that Lynette! Such a charming straight shooter! She really SPEAKS what's in MY HEART," but I'm mostly just thinking, "GOD, LYNETTE, I HATE YOU." Anyway, the woman just gives her the hand and goes back to her own car. I would have said, "Can you talk about this after you let me OUT OF THE FUCKING PARKING LOT?" and then I really would have lost my shit. Anyway, inside the car, Gay Matt agrees that Claire is indeed an attractive little piece of ass, but he's not attracted TO HER. If he thought her living with them was a problem, he'd be the first to fire the kid, he assures Lynette. "It's you. You're the one," he says. "You always have been and you always will be." No one can resist this, not even BitchBot Lynette, and they kiss. Everyone behind them honks. Inside their cars, each and every driver drops the F bomb in one form or another. "All right, hold your water!" Lynette chuckles, like this has all been so very cute, rather than SUPER-ANNOYING AND EVIL, and drives up to pay for her parking.
Piano bar. Julie and her little friends finish some random musical number that ends with the words "at the old five and dime!" because if there's anything teenage girls want to sing, it involves slang from 1943. The girls then "go upstairs" to "check out" "the dance floor." They leave, and Edie arrives. Turns out that Karl invited her as his date. Mike just sits there and looks awkward. Susan is peeved, of course. "Of all people, you picked that tired piece of -- Edie!" she says, turning at the last moment, of course, to greet her rival. Edie then nicely thanks Susan for the invite and kisses "the birthday boy" -- Karl -- for several long moments until Susan loudly says that it's not Karl's birthday. Karl chuckles. Edie pretends to be embarrassed. Mike thinks about going back to the French Foreign Legion, or wherever he came from.
In the car outside Casa Marcia Marcia Marcia, KimberBree thanks George for a lovely night. He assures her that the pleasure was his. Aw, they're smitten. She offers that she guesses she should go inside. They lean in for the kiss, but are interrupted by a knock on the window. It's Andrew, who was "coming home from Brian's house." He wonders what's going on. KimberBree explains that she and George went to dinner, and then gets out of the car to explain to her son that, yes, it was a date. Andrew crabbily wonders if she couldn't have waited until Rex was at least out of the house. KimberBree reminds Andrew that Rex is only in the house because he and Danielle talked KimberBree into it. Andrew wonders what she and George are going to do now. He leans down to talk to George. "Are you two gonna have sex?" he asks. Oy. KimberBree tells him that, no, they're not going to have sex. "Why not?" Andrew brats. "Because I don't commit adultery like your father!" KimberBree blurts. Everyone's face falls. KimberBree finally offers that she's trying to move on with her life. Andrew gives her a long dirty look, then leans down and says to George, "You should watch out for her, she's a liar." And, with that, he storms into the house. Poor KimberBree.
At Casa I Forgot She Was On This Show, Gabrielle's electricity is turned off. Here's a suggestion, Fancy Face: why don't you sell some of your crap? Or call your old modeling agency and see if they've got any work for you and fly into NYC for a couple of weeks to make some mad money? Or sell the jewelry? Or your house? Or your Louis Vuittons? Instead, Gabrielle just calls her lawyer and tells him she found the passport.
At Karaoke Contrivance, Edie is singing "I've Been to Paradise (But I've Never Been To Me)." I don't know. I know we're supposed to think she's slutty and unpleasant, but I think she seems kind of fun. ["Plus that song kicks karaoke ass." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Karl watches as Susan and Mike canoodle, and then there's all this business to set it up so that Susan is up to sing, of course. She says she'll sing "New York, New York," because she has no imagination. Edie heads to the bar to get more drinks while Mike goes to talk to the piano player and Susan and Karl chat. Karl thinks Susan is going to get bored with Mike. He tells her that even though their marriage was crazy, it never got boring. "Yeah, that part where you slept with your secretary was really exciting," Susan snarks. Karl wonders why he doesn't get any credit for his thirteen years of loyalty prior to banging the help. Edie swings back and sings that he must not be counting "the Hendersons' Christmas party." Yeah, so I guess Karl and Edie hooked up at this party? Whatever. Susan is horrified and appalled and hurt...and it's her turn to sing. This isn't going to go well.
Susan shoots Karl the look of death and gets on stage and starts singing: "these vagabond shoes....you're an ass, you know that?" she improvises. The piano player stops, but she tells him to keep going. "I wannnnna....just tell you that the affair was one thing, I mean, I forgave you, because on some level, I thought that you were in love with her, but now I find out that you were just groping people at parties...TOOOOOP OF THE HEAP." Mike looks exhausted. As anyone dating Susan would be. Charmed, occasionally, and generally well-loved, but exhausted. Karl gets up and tries to go, but Susan tells him not to turn away from her. She wants to know how many other women he was "sticking it to," and then vows that it will "snow on the hills of Hell before [she] ever feels sorry for [him] again." There is silence in the bar. "NEW YOOOORK!" She finishes. How very Ally McBeal of this show. That is not a compliment.
So the police start going door to door, interviewing neighbors about Mrs. Kravitz. Paul, MAVO explains, began to realize that, eventually, people are going to start figuring things out. So he decides to go back to where he buried the body -- idiot -- and he digs it up -- idiot -- and steals Mrs. Kravitz's ring and bracelet -- idiot -- and then plants them in Mike's garage. Idiot. That last one was for Mike, for not locking his garage, even with all the guns and cash hidden in his house.
Casa Boobs. Claire clears the breakfast table, and Gay Matt can't stop looking at her breasts. Dude, did you learn nothing from Seinfeld? Cleavage is like the sun! You sneak a peak, and then you LOOK AWAY. Anyway, at least Gay Matt realizes that he can't take his eyes off the boobs, and he and Lynette exchange a long look. She sort of smiles, like, "told you." Gay Matt kind of nods. "Um, Claire?" he says. "We have to make some changes." Poor Claire. Fired for no sins of her own, other than her rockin' rack.
What's that? You'd like to know what KimberBree is up to? Why, she's packing up Rex's things, so that he'll be able to leave swiftly when it's time for him to go. ["I have to say, her incredibly tidy, beautifully organized, Ikea storage box-filled garage gives me a boner. KimberBree, forget George and marry me!" -- Wing Chun] Andrew comes up to her and...offers to help? Who is this boy? He tells her that he spoke to Rex, and Rex told him that he did have an affair. KimberBree is sorry he had to know this about his father, but Andrew tells her that he's glad to know the truth. She looks sad, and explains that there comes a point in every boy's life when he finds out that his Dad is "only human." Andrew asks why she's taking care of him: "Is it because of what Danielle and I said? Because I'll help you take his stuff out to the street if you want." KimberBree explains that she's taking care of Rex because it's "the right thing to do." Andrew wonders why she has to be such a pushover: "He cheated on you! He's a jerk!" KimberBree tells him sharply to cut it out: "I am angry with him. I am going to divorce him. I may even marry someone else. But make no mistake about it. Your father is and always will be the love of my life. He gave me the best eighteen-year marriage that I could have ever hoped for. And for that you will respect him." Andrew nods and agrees. He puts his arms around his mother and they walk back to the house like that. He rubs her back. Aw, maybe that drunk-driving brathole is turning over a new leaf. We pan over and see that Rex has overheard all of this. Is it wrong that I am kind of rooting for those two crazy kids to patch it up?
Susan's. Karl comes over. He wants to apologize. And he also wants Susan back. For reals. Susan squeals that this is great! It's wonderful! She's thrilled! Karl, of course, thinks that all her yelping means that she wants to get back together with him, too, but she tells him that he's very much mistaken. It's wonderful because now she knows for sure that she doesn't have any feelings left for him. Karl stutters that she's got to feel something. "Well, actually, yeah, I do," Susan smiles, and leaves him and runs across the street to Mike's. Mike answers the door, and Susan leaps into his arms. "Mike, guess what? I love you!" she says. He asks if she's sure, and she squeals that she is. They make out some more, and she finally notices that the police are just standing around Mike's living room. He tells her that they're just asking some questions about Mrs. Kravitz. I assume this is part of their standard round of questioning the neighbors, and they haven't found his money, his guns, or the planted evidence in his garage. "I love him. You can write that in your little book," Susan tells the police, who are understandably underwhelmed by this development in their case. Susan makes out with Mike some more. Way to respect the sanctity of their murder investigation, lady.
MAVO comes crawling back into our lives to explain that we're all searching for that one person who will provide what's missing in our lives. I have already found that person. His name is George Clooney. "Someone who can offer companionship," she says, as we cut to KimberBree, calling George and asking him out again. "Or assistance," she says, and Lynette calls a nanny agency and asks if they have anyone experienced and ugly to send her. "Or security," she says, as we cut to Gabrielle calling Carlos and telling him that she found his passport. She tosses it onto the table, all charred and burned up. Like that's not suspicious-looking. "And sometimes, if we search very hard, we can find someone who provides us with all three." Cut to Susan on the phone with Mike, saying that she just called to tell him that she loves him. Again. Some more. Dial it down, Little Miss Needypants.
Meanwhile, some dude is jogging through the woods with his dog. "If we can't find them, we can only pray that they find us," MAVO finishes, as the Dude and His Dog find Mrs. Kravitz's dead, dead body. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dummmmb.