By Evany
Gabby wants to visit Carlos conjugally, but her lawyer thinks he should focus on Carlos's appeal instead. The disagreement comes to a head in the middle of a, yes, chain-linked corridor that bisects the prison yard. The lawyer says some unsavory things to Gabby, and all the chivalrous prisoners start yelling at him to apologize, and then they poke him through the fence with many, many broomsticks. (Because what's the first thing you give a yard full of prisoners? Sticks.) After the prison riot, Carlos and Gabby decide to get a new lawyer, and she winds up with an attractive new lawman with a history of sexing up his female clients. The new lawyer gets Gabby and Carlos their bedtime visit, but also manages to lay the groundwork for some potential future Gabby bedtime of his own. Susan finds Zana, but for some reason neglects to tell Mike. This makes her feel guilty, so she re-locates Zana with the idea of bringing him home. But when Zana starts in with the crazy Julie stalk-talk, Susan gives him money and encouragement to go to Utah to find CreePaul. Little Big P fills the aching hole created by Lynette's daily absence with a new imaginary friend, Mrs. Mulberry, who is sort of a Mary Poppins type with a big black umbrella. This makes Lynette sad and also jealous, so she throws the umbrella in the trash. But instead of getting whisked away by the garbage truck, the umbrella springs free and opens up in the middle of the road, allowing P one last glimpse of the umbrella as it's brutally run down by a truck. This makes Lynette feel guilty, which makes her cry, which makes Tom pat her head and tell her lies about how she's a good mother. Bree invites George over to the house for dinner, and while Danielle and Bree are away from the table, Andrew tells George some cringe-y things about what Bree sounds like when she climaxes (and yes, it's as uncomfortable as it sounds). This causes George to yell at Andrew, but because George is unwilling to say what brought on the yelling, Bree sides with Andrew. Fighting fire with sneaky, George tries to kiss Bree in the middle of Andrew's swim meet, prompting a suddenly chivalrous Andrew to leap from the pool and clobber George. Bree, for some incredible reason, remains blind to George's manipulations and sends Andrew back to reprogramming camp, which was what George was gunning for all along. And Edie? Wears a goofy hat.
Previouslies! Little Big P was mad that Lynette's MIA on the home-front. Carlos could go to the slammer for eight years if the gay-bashing charge sticks. Bree detected that she loves George. Susan told Zana to stay away from Julie, and also it turned out that Zana is Mike's son.
MAVO: "The residents of the Fairview county jail looked forward to every Tuesday. That was the day that Gabrielle Solis came to visit her husband." In flashback, we see Gabby walking through an exposed, chain-linked corridor that goes directly through the prison yard. Which seems...insane. So, like, anyone who comes to visit a prisoner has to walk through the fucking Thunderdome? Also: these are some hard, hard criminals for a county jail in sleepy little Fairview. Though I guess if Wisteria Lane is any example, Fairview is probably the crime capital of the world. MAVO: "The inmates went out of their way to give her compliments, whether she wanted them or not." Still in flashback, we see Gabby wearing a series of ridiculous outfits as she walks down the corridor of taunts and tongues again and again. MAVO: "With each visit, these accolades became increasingly inventive." From beyond the fence, the prisoners act out funny little pantomimes for Gabby, like "Finger-Lick Your Goods," "My Ass Is Like a Genie's Lamp: All It Needs Is a Little Rub (Here, Let Me Show You)," and everyone's favorite "Ride 'Em, Cowboy," where the cowboy is the inmate, and his horse, one presumes, is Gabby. MAVO: "Still, Gabrielle wasn't flattered. In fact, Gabrielle started to dread this...special attention." So she says! MAVO: "Until one day, when..." Once again, Gabby is cat-walking through the prison yard. She is wearing a truly Steel Magnolian outfit: a wide-brimmed sunhat with an eccentric cluster of white, black, and red flowers; a fitted top with matching cropped, puffed-sleeve bolero jacket (both in a pattern of bright red embroidered with white daisies); a black-and-white striped belt; and a tight, red skirt with thigh-slit. The outfit...how shall I put this? It isn't exactly the wisest choice for someone who is "dreading special attention"...unless, I don't know, maybe this is how Gabby chooses to take back the night?
Gabby is walking the gauntlet alongside Carlos's lawyer, asking him about the possibility of a conjugal visit with Carlos.
Gabby is walking the gauntlet alongside Carlos's lawyer, asking him about the possibility of a conjugal visit with Carlos. Lawyer: "With all due respect, Mrs. Solis, let's just get through the discovery phase first." Gabby doesn't think she can wait that long, but the lawyer points out, with barely harnessed irritation, that he is trying to get her husband out of jail: "You want me to just stop everything so you can have a booty call?" By the way, how involved a procedure is it to request conjugal visits for a client? So involved that it would require sidelining the whole case? Gabby: "Excuse me. We are husband and wife. We make love. It is a very sacred covenant." The lawyer gives a dismissive little "hmph." Gabby: "Okay, look, all we need is twenty minutes." Ha! The lawyer tells her that his "no" means "no." Gabby: "You work for me; you will make it happen." The lawyer tells her she can't make him do anything: "I am not your maid...or your gardener." Gabby: SLAP! The lawyer tells Gabby he could have her arrested for that. Gabby: "Really? How about for this?" SLAP again! By now, all the prisoners are hooting in appreciation of the "Gabby v. Lawyer" show. The lawyer shrilly accuses Gabby of being a "crazy bitch" (wow, he seems a little...tightly wound?), and one of the prisoners, a red-faced mustachioed gentleman, pokes the lawyer through the fence with a broom handle, demanding, "Apologize to the lady!" The lawyer turns and tells Mustache that he has made a big mistake: this lawyer just happens to play golf with the warden! But while the lawyer's back is turned, another prisoner, also with a mustache, pokes the lawyer through the fence with his own broomstick. Mustachioed Prisoner #2: "You heard him: apologize!" The lawyer tells the "fellas" that he's just trying to do his job, and that this is all Gabby's fault: "If she weren't so damned horny..." The lawyer's tirade is silenced when a handful of dirt hits his face. And then all the other prisoners start hitting the lawyer with their broomsticks, and then they grab hold of his tie and use it to pull his face into the fence over and over as they chant "apologize...apologize!" A prison guard shoots a teargas canister into the yard, and Gabby delivers a delicate cough. MAVO: "At that moment it occurred to Gabrielle: this was the nicest compliment she had ever received." What? Surely Gabby has received "nicer" compliments than creepy sexual harassers assaulting a lawyer on her behalf? This is such a weird scene. Also? This is absolutely the last time Fairview County lets the prisoners rehearse for the big Bedknobs And Broomsticks show out in the yard. And credits!
MAVO narrates as we see a series of Fairview dads returning home from work. "There was one thing all the fathers on Wisteria Lane had in common: they could return home from a hard day's work to the family they'd left behind, and not feel at all guilty about the precious moments they had missed. Sadly, the same could not be said for the working mothers." This seems like a rather facile summary of the great sex divide (I personally know fathers who come home feeling guilty over the precious moments they've missed with their kids, for instance), but I guess to some degree this is still true? ["Hence the value of day care: neither parent knows what the kids do all day, and both can feel equally guilty or not about it, and resolve that no moments are precious but those that occur in their presence!" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Lynette comes home from work, dashes into the house, and tiptoes into a darkened room to find Little Big P in bed with an umbrella. He's flanked by a set of bunkbeds, so maybe they haven't sold the twins for food money after all (or they have sold the kids and they're still looking for a buyer for the bunkbeds). Lynette pulls the blanket up over P and the umbrella, kisses her palm, and pats his head.
Downstairs Mr. Mom Tom apologizes: "I held dinner for as long as I could; it just got too late for them." Lynette: "You couldn't have given them coffee or something? I just feel like I'm missing out on their lives entirely." Tom, by the way, has new devil-may-care stubble on his cheeks, which is the source much heat on the discussion boards and also in my pants. Lynette cracks open a beer and starts eating from a plate of spaghetti that's sitting on the table. Tom: "Ooh, don't eat that! That's been sitting out for hours. That's for Mrs. Mulberry." He pulls Lynette's plate out of the oven, and explains that Mrs. Mulberry is P's new imaginary friend -- sort of a British nanny type: "I think he really locked in to the whole Mary Poppins thing." Hence the umbrella in bed. Apparently, Mrs. Mulberry arrived about a week ago. Lynette: "You don't find it odd that Parker's new nanny arrived right when I went back to work." Tom thinks it's no biggie; kids have imaginary friends! That's what they do! Lynette: "I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots...not surrogate mommies!" Tom admits that, yes, it seems as though P is having some trouble adjusting to Lynette's going back to work. And apparently so is Lynette! Tom: "Don't be so sensitive." Lynette: "At the risk of sounding too sensitive? How come [Mrs. Mulberry] gets a bigger portion?" Lynette points at the plates, and indeed Mrs. Mulberry's plate is heaped at least twice as high as Lynette's. Wah-wah!
Meanwhile, Susan and Mike are standing out in front of Susan's house. They've just had themselves a dinner date, as evidenced by Susan's foil swan. Mike leans in for a wet one, and then he turns to go. Susan is saddened to discover that one kiss is all she gets. Mike: "You're the one who said you wanted things to be 'casual' between us." Susan concurs, but says that it doesn't mean they have to act like "brother and sister": "I mean, you bought me ribs." She dances the foil swan in front of Mike's face (and considering the chubbiness of her foil swan, and the continued stick-buggery of her form, I'm guessing Susan didn't do much eating on tonight's date, or over the six months). "I have gratitude to express!" Susan yanks Mike in for another kiss. Mike pulls back again, regarding his continued uncomfiness with the "casual thing," which he finds to be "weird." Susan insists that it's totally not weird; rather, they're just going to pretend things are like they were before -- back when they were "just dating" -- just until they get the whole "Zach thing resolved." Susan: "You know, we'll just be easy about it; no commitments. Except, of course, neither of us is allowed to date anybody else." Mike says he understands why Susan doesn't like Zana, but that Zana is part of "the package" that is Mike, and either Susan accepts the whole package, or she doesn't. They exchange a long, sad look, and then Mike walks away. Faced with the ugly truth of what her sacrifice for Julie's safety really means (i.e. no sex for Susan), Susan trots after Mike (and the way she trots is truly goofy, with lots of odd arm-flapping): "Mike, wait! I accept!" After all, Zana is Mike's son, and Susan has Julie, and Mike's totally accepted Julie: "I mean, granted, she's been the model child so far, but she's almost fifteen; she's going to turn on me any minute, and you better be there to help me when it gets ugly." Julie is only fourteen? Mike agrees that he will be there for Susan when Julie finally rebels, and they smile at each other. And then Susan gives Mike a strange sort of awkward kiss, and turns to go into her house, but then Mike reminds her that, technically, they don't have to be "casual" anymore. Susan: "I can be naked in twenty seconds, and that includes travel time." She grabs Mike and they run off to his house.
Gabby's visiting Carlos at prison. Either this is a whole different visiting room than the one they've been using in past episodes, or the prison has installed glass divider screens: maybe they're cracking down ever since the big "Apologize" riot? Carlos is yelling at Gabby for inciting said riot. She insists that it was "more of a melee." Ha! Carlos wonders who's going to defend him now; his lawyer (whom Gabby just managed to get beaten up) knew Carlos's case, and he knew the judge. Gabby, by way of explanation: "He called me a bitch!" Carlos: "Well, you're acting like one!" Gabby explains that the lawyer refused to help her get a conjugal visit. Carlos, incredulously: "Hold it. My lawyer's in traction because you wanted sex?" Gabby explains that it isn't just for her libido, it's for their relationship, which is still on "shaky ground": ever since Carlos has been in jail, all they've done is bicker. Carlos points out that this is no different from their non-incarcerated times: bickering is just what they do! Gabby: "Yeah, but when we finished arguing, we would have this great sex. Now all we do is fight, and there's no payoff, and it sucks. You and I..." Gabby pushes back her chair and stands up "...need to get LAID!" This causes all the other people in the visiting room to fall into silence. Gabby, to everyone: "Oh, don't judge me. You're not in here because you got caught helping the poor." Funny! Gabby sits back down and, in a calmer voice, tells Carlos, "See, we'd be enjoying this argument more if we had something to look forward to." Carlos: "Fine, get the damn lawyer!" Then, smiling, he adds, "And make it quick."
Ew: It's night, in front of Bree's house, and George is leaning in for a mouth-to-mouth kiss with Bree, but Bree realigns the trajectory of the kiss and plants one on his forehead instead, which George finds disappointing. Bree, by way of explanation: "George, you're a very special friend; you are. But Rex hasn't been dead four weeks, so I think kissing on the lips is..." George finishes Bree's thought: "...further than you want to go." Bree hopes he doesn't mind. George holds out his hands, and Bree grabs them, and they stand there like that, London-Bridge style, until the door opens behind them and out comes Andrew, there to "take out the garbage," both literally and, methinks, metaphorically! Looking guilty, Bree reintroduces Andrew to "Mr. Williams." Andrew gives George the hairy eyeball and purposely, menacingly walks over to the cans. Bree tells George it's getting late, and George asks her if maybe he can take her out again; there are some new restaurants in town he'd like to try. Bree: "You know, we've been eating out a lot lately. Why don't you come over Friday for a home-cooked meal? Wouldn't that be nice?" Hold on. Let me get this straight. Rex has been dead just one month and Bree "Appearances Are Everything" Van de Kamp and George have already been out "a lot lately," as in, they started in with the dating maybe...two, three weeks after Rex's death? I am highly incredulous!
George accepts the invitation as Andrew walks up and stands between them with his arms crossed. A long, awkward moment passes. Andrew to George: "So are you leaving, or what?" George: "We're not done talking." Andrew: "[Bree] said it was getting late. In case you missed that, that was a hint." Bree gives an embarrassed laugh, pats Andrew, and says that it totally wasn't a hint! George, all feisty: "I'll go when I'm ready." Bree interrupts the boys' stare-down by saying that actually it really is getting late. Andrew: "See? You heard the lady. Now, take off." Andrew gives George arm a little half-shove. Bree gives her son a small, gentle scolding: "Andrew!" George: "That's okay. He's not really that tough. He knows I'd never hit a child." At which point Andrew gives George a much bigger shove. And then George gives Andrew a little shove back! Bree: "George!" And then Andrew really shoves George, who goes flying down to the ground. Bree, yelling: "Stop it, the two of you, this instant!" The boys pause in their positions. Bree yells at them for spoiling the evening, and then says to the both of them, "I will not tolerate this kind of behavior, do you understand?" They all exchange looks, and then Bree, clearly struggling for control: "George, we'll see you Friday for dinner. I'll be serving fish." (Of course, fish! Because it's Friday!) Bree turns to go inside the house, and Andrew slowly follows, shooting George one last glaring glare.
Lynette wakes Little Big P from a deep, deep slumber so that they can go bond over doughnuts before she has to go to work. P looks at her like she's crazy and tries to go back to sleep.
Cut to P strapped into the back seat of the car, all fancied up in his kindergarten suit and tie. Lynette goes to reverse the car, but P yells, "Stop!" They forgot Mrs. Mulberry! Lynette: "Well...since I'm here, maybe she could just...relax in the house for a while." Oh, but Lynette, that's not the way imaginary surrogate parents work: just because you know what caused their arrival doesn't mean you can just pop back in when you want to and take their place! Petulant P yells that he NEEDS MRS. MULBERRY! So Lynette gets out and pantomimes letting Mrs. Mulberry into the car, and yet P still wonders where Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella is. P is very bratty in this scene, all pouts and "no!"s. Lynette races inside and tears apart the house looking for the umbrella. (Hey! I think she just ran past a twin, a twin! We have a confirmed twin sighting! Though it's eerie how Lynette completely ignores him as she races around the house, which is kind of weird and sad. Maybe the twins are imaginary?) Tom reminds Lynette that she really needs to hurry, or she's going to be late for work, which of course she appreciates to no end. Unable to find the umbrella, she grabs a sunhat, a sad substitute which for some reason she thinks is going to work with P. And of course: it doesn't. P tells Lynette that, actually, the umbrella is in the shower. Lynette, frantic with lateness: "Well, why didn't Mrs. Mulberry volunteer that information before I turned your room upside-down looking for it, hm?" P asks Lynette if she's going to go get it. Lynette, pretty much screaming at this point: "No, I'm not going to go get the damn umbrella!" Way to bond, Lynette. P stares at her stonily, and Lynette tries to take it back: "I am so sorry, sweetie. I am not mad at you." Too late! P gets out of the car and then walks around to let Mrs. Mulberry out. P then disdainfully tells Lynette, "We don't want doughnuts."
Bree is sorting laundry when Andrew walks by, heading out the back door. He is wearing a very deconstructed top: it has small holes and tears all over it, and there is an image of a cross and, I think, a Pegasus on the front, and on the back shoulder there's a block of lettering (I think I can make out the words "evil" and "nasty"). Bree demands that Andrew take off the shirt at once and put on the newly laundered button-up shirt she hands him: "Every time you leave this house, you represent this family, and the least you could is not humiliate us." Andrew says that a ripped t-shirt is "just a look." Bree, with a smug smile: "Yes. A bad one." Andrew, buttoning up the new top, turns to leave, and Bree says, "I hope you haven't made plans for tomorrow night." Andrew: "Look, if you think I'm having dinner with the pharmacist, you're crazy." And really, I think that's a-okay. His dad? Just died! But Bree doesn't see it that way. In fact, the whole reason she's having George over is so that Andrew can get to know him. And yet Andrew doesn't really want to get to know him. Bree: "Honey, the feelings that you're having are perfectly normal, but George isn't trying to take your father's place! He's just a friend!" How could Bree possibly be this oblivious? Does she really think George is nothing more than a friend? If so, why did he try to kiss her? God! Andrew: "Really? Just a friend. So you're not planning on getting more serious with this guy in the future?" Bree, turning back to her laundry somewhat guiltily, says that she hasn't really even thought about it! Andrew gives a scoffing little laugh: "You're so transparent, it's pathetic. You're worried about a ripped t-shirt humiliating this family? Wait till people see that you're dating the town nerd less than a month after your husband's funeral." Yes! Thank you, Andrew. You are my knight in shining armor for finally pointing out that obvious-ism, coming to my emotional rescue! Bree, all business, tells Andrew that she'll be serving dinner at 7 the day. Andrew says he's sorry, but he already has plans. Bree points out that Andrew has a swim meet coming up, which requires a "large entrance fee" Andrew clearly can't afford on his own, isn't that right? Andrew: "Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?" Bree: "Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating!" Way to be sensitive to the emotions of your son, Bree. Your son, whose dad? Again: JUST DIED! This storyline is lame.
Susan is putting up "Missing: Creepy teen, responds to 'Zana'" posters around the neighborhood. Edie hobbles over -- I guess her tibia has healed enough for her to put weight on it? That Edie, she's fast at everything, even healing! -- to report that one of Susan's signs has blown into her yard. Susan, in a dramatically subdued, do-gooder voice: "Sorry, I'm helping Mike find Zach -- you know, so we can all rest easy at night." Edie: "Uh-huh. And put him in jail? Oh, I don't think Mike would do that to his own son!" Yes, the secret is out: Julie told Karl, and Karl told Edie, and Edie "sent out a few emails." Susan thanks Edie sarcastically for her discretion. Edie: "Boy, you would do anything to get Mike Delfino to love you." Susan turns to glare at Edie, and then returns to her posters. Edie: "So what's going to happen to Little Creepy when he gets here? Are you going to be tucking him in at night? Making him breakfast in the morning? Careful to bob and weave as he tries to blow your head off?" Susan, whose goat seems to finally be gotten: "You know, Edie, could you just back off? I mean, the truth is, we're probably not going to find Zach anyway. It's a needle in a haystack." Edie's face lights up and the ironic Housewives music swells: "Oh! I see! And then you'll still come off as 'little miss perfect self-sacrificing girlfriend.' Putting his needs ahead of yours. Oh! Why, you conniving little shrew!" They exchange a glare, and then Edie turns to go, saying, "I don't know why we're not closer." Edie is awesome! And appreciate her while you can, people, because sadly you won't be seeing her for the rest of this episode. (And the Applefights with their "basement secret," which sounds like a euphemism for adult diapers, but is not? You won't be seeing those two at all.)
MAVO: "There was a reason David Bradley was the most...successful lawyer in all of Fairview. His arguments were persuasive..." Flashback to Lawyer Bradley grabbing a blonde woman, telling her "no one ever has to know," and then kissing her. MAVO: "...his manner was forceful..." Lawyer Bradley pushes a different woman against a wall and tells her to "take it off" and the woman reaches for her shirt. MAVO: "...and he tended to win on appeal." A third woman in a low-cut satin dress goes to leave Lawyer Bradley's office, but he stops her with just one word, "please," and she turns to kiss him with head-grinding passion. MAVO: "And when it came to the more...challenging cases..." and now here we have Gabby, sitting at Lawyer Bradley's desk as he looks over Carlos's file, "...he knew it was to his advantage to raise the first objection." Lawyer Bradley tells Gabby, "I'm not going to take the case." Gabby looks shocked. Lawyer Bradley's assistant buzzes through to tell him that his dinner date has cancelled. Lawyer Bradley tells the assistant to keep the reservation, since he still has to eat, and then he returns his attention to Gabby: "Right, so where were we?" Gabby: "You were about to turn me down and then you reconsidered once you realized I was going to throw a ton of money at you, which I am." And yet? It isn't about the money for Lawyer Bradley: "Fact is, if I don't feel passionately about a client -- if I don't feel that fire in my belly -- I don't bring my 'A Game' to court, and from what I've read, I'm going to need my 'A Game' to save your husband." Is about the gay-bashing thing, Gabby wonders? Because if so, Carlos is totally innocent. LB: "He went berserk and attacked a man in court." Hello? Gabby: "But that was a jealousy thing. The man that my husband was trying to kill in court? Not the least bit gay...trust me."
LB, whose back is turned to Gabby, gives a thoughtful sort of look, and behind him Gabby gives her own sort of "whoops, perhaps I said to much" sort of wince. LB: "Your file also says you're seeking conjugal visits. Trying to keep the old marriage alive?" Gabby wonders, indignantly, why everyone seems to have a problem with her having sex with her husband. LB: "Can I be frank?" Gabby: "Only if it ends with me getting what I want." Ha. LB: "Your marriage is doomed. I've been doing this for a long time, Mrs. Solis. I know what an incarceration can do to a relationship. Marriage is hard enough, but when you throw in cement walls and armed guards, iron bars...it tends to go downhill rather quickly. Conjugal visits notwithstanding." Gabby tries to interrupt, but LB jumps right back in: "Listen, you want my advice? Walk away." And he makes a little "walk away" motion with his fingers. "You're young. You made a mistake. Learn from it. Maybe time, you'll marry smarter." LB stands and puts on his coat, and tells Gabby to excuse him, since he has dinner reservations. Gabby, all fired up: "Dinner reserva-SHUN: You're eating alone, remember? And I have a feeling it's not the first time." Gabby stomps off, and the LB takes off his glasses and smiles a very self-satisfied "that woman will be in my bed within a fortnight" smile. And since Gabby loves the pre-sex bickering, I'm guessing he's probably right.
Lynette is at a parent-teacher conference. She apologizes for being late, saying that she forgot Tom had to take their youngest to the pediatrician, etc. I wonder how she got out of work? I mean, since we spent the last two weeks going over and over how Bossy Boobs won't let her leave work for any kid-related mishap? Huh. Anyway, they've called her in today to see if Lynette is aware that P has an imaginary friend, Mrs. Mulberry? Lynette says, "Yes, we've met," in a nervous, jokey tone. But no one there (and there are three other people in the meeting) seems to be in a laughing mood. Apparently, P's been demanding that Mrs. Mulberry get her own easel in class, which was fine, but then yesterday he insisted on Mrs. Mulberry getting her own desk, but unfortunately they didn't have an extra desk for her. Lynette acknowledges that the scene must have been an ugly one, and Patty the teacher says, very snottily, "It was." Turns out that when Patty said no to P's desk request, he "rammed" her with the umbrella. Rammed? That's an odd word choice. It sounds almost...sexual? How about "poked"? "Stabbed"? "Prodded"? Lynette apologizes profusely. They ask her if maybe they've experienced a death in the family? Because "imaginary friends are often created as a coping mechanism, to deal with loss." They go on to say that it might also be a "manifestation of some deep-seated unhappiness." Can Lynette think of anything that might explain all this? Hmm? Lynette nods a little, and then holds up a finger, like "just a sec!" and then bursts into tears. The school people all exchange uncomfortable glances, and teacher Patty hands Lynette a tissue.
Meanwhile, over at Bree's "dinner at gunpoint," Andrew is being a complete prince! He's laughing at George's story about how he tried to get a photo of the sunset from the Golden Gate Bridge but got mistaken as a suicidal jumper instead. (And why do I get the feeling George really was a suicidal bridge jumper at some point?) Bree and Danielle leave to clear the table, and while they're in the kitchen, Bree marvels at how well George and Andrew are getting along, which Danielle agrees is "freaky." Bree: "Andrew is being polite, engaging -- he's even laughing at George's jokes!" Danielle: "That's why it's freaky. George's jokes aren't funny."
Back at the table, though, Andrew is revealing his true colors, launching into a scene that I would really love to fast-forward through, so cringe-tastic it is, and yet...duty calls. Andrew: "So, George...have you ever actually been with a woman?" George's smile begins to fade. Andrew: "It's obvious by the way you talk and act that you're not a player; I was just curious if you've ever gotten in the game?" George, still somewhat friendly, tells Andrew that his experience with women is none of Andrew's business. Andrew explains that if someone has designs on his mother, Andrew wants to make sure the man is equipped to make his mother happy: "We both know that, at your age, dating is a little more than just holding hands." George turns to see if Bree is coming back from the kitchen, and then tells Andrew that he isn't dating Bree, exactly. Andrew: "Well, sure you are! And I think it's GREAT. But I want to make sure my mom's happy, you know, and it would really set my mind at ease to know she's with a guy that knows how to please a lady." George, looking scandalized, cranes his head to check the kitchen again, and then he tells Andrew, in hushed tones, that "this is inappropriate." Then (and this is where things get really hideous!), Andrew says, "You know, my parents had a great sex life. Yeah, I heard them through the wall in the bedroom once?" George tells Andrew to shut up. And yet, much to my sadness, Andrew continues: "You should have heard my mom, too, she had this weird moan, kind of like...'mmmm, uh!'" George looks totally flabbergasted. I crawl under my couch. Andrew: "Isn't that bizarre? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!" Hoo-boy.
And then in waltz Danielle and Bree! They've brought cobbler! Bree: "Sorry, one of the dessert plates doesn't match. I tried to replace it, but it's [something-something] Florence. It's a rare pattern. It belonged to my grandmother. But hopefully once you taste the dessert, you'll forget all about it." What the hell is Bree talking about? Is it possible that Bree is boring? George actually doesn't want dessert, though; he is no longer hungry. Me neither, George. Me neither. Andrew shoots him a knowing little smile. Bree: "George, you have to have this, it's absolutely scrumptious!" The way she says "scrumptious" is kind of bananas. Okay, so then? She takes a bite? And she makes the exact same moan that Andrew just imitated! Andrew, looking at George, points at Bree and mouths "that's it." Oh man. George loses it, pounding the table with his fist, and then standing up and yelling to Andrew, "Go to your room!" Bree, who's missed the whole sordid exchange, is understandably flummoxed. Andrew acts all innocent, asking George, "Did I say something wrong?" George asks Bree to back him up. Bree asks what Andrew said. George: "I can't say, it's too sordid! But he said it!" Bree: "George, I can't allow you to discipline my child if you won't even tell me what he did!" George looks around the table, completely at a loss, and then stomps off, Bree close on his heels. Andrew, looking very self-satisfied, takes a bite of cobbler. I wonder if Andrew knew what was on the menu for dessert, and knew what sound his mother would make when she tasted it? Is it possible that Andrew is that good? I think he is.
Gabby is home from another shopping spree. Lawyer Bradley has left a message on her answering machine about how he is sorry for his behavior, and tells her he's going to help her...to get away from Carlos! "The more I think of it, the more I'm convinced your marriage? Is a train wreck. The gnarly type, you know...mass casualties. Anyway, I'm passing on the name of a great divorce lawyer --" Gabby, who's been looking very happy with this message up until the point he baited her by dissing her marriage, slaps the stop button.
Cut to Lawyer Bradley sitting at his desk. In marches Gabby, right on cue. Gabby tells LB that he has some nerve! LB leans in and tells her in intimate tones that this is entirely inappropriate. Gabby: "I will tell you what is inappropriate: you, making sweeping assumptions about the state of my marriage." LB takes off his watch and offers Gabby a drink, which throws her. No, in fact, she does not want a drink: "I like to keep a clear head when I'm telling people off! What makes you think you know anything about me or my husband?" LB: "Well, your husband's record speaks for itself. You, I had to rely on my instincts." Gabby: "Would those be the same instincts that picked out that cologne?" LB, who's over in the corner pouring them both a drink: "You're privileged. You're pampered. You're spoiled. You want what you want, when you want it. You want excitement. A quickie in a trailer every five months isn't going to scratch that itch." Lawyer Bradley is kind of gross. Gabby tells him she decides what needs scratching, and when. LB growls that Gabby is a beautiful and desirable woman: "But your husband is a dimwit, a corrupt, violent criminal. You could do so much better." He reaches out and caresses her shoulder, ew. Gabby: "Are you hitting on me?" Aw, Gabby, what's happened to you? The Gabby I know wouldn't have to ask. LB: "What would you say if I were?" Gabby: "I'd say 'I'm pregnant.'" You are? Then where's the bump, Gabs? LB pulls his pawing hand away from her shoulder, and says, "So I see: you're stuck." Gabby insists that she isn't stuck -- that, in fact, she is in love with Carlos. LB: "I charge $700 an hour, plus Xeroxing." Huh, how much is Xeroxing? Or is that an odd little joke, that he'd mention something that trivial? ["Sadly, I can say from experience, and without any euphemism: when it comes to legal fees, Xeroxing is extra." -- Wing Chun] Gabby: "I'll pay you six, and I expect a conjugal visit by tomorrow at noon." LB: "Aren't you demanding?" Gabby: "Like you said, I want what I want when I want it." And out she saunters.
Susan and Mike are canvassing a park where a woman Mike talked to over at "Social Services" says a lot of little runaways have been known to congregate. Fairview has so many fun attractions: the homeless teen park, the hardened criminal walkway.... Susan stares lovingly at Mike. Mike: "What?" Susan: "Just happy to be spending the day with you!" Which is Mike's cue to say that maybe they should split up so that they can hunt for Zana separately. Susan looks disappointed, so Mike frenches her briefly.
Cut to Susan trying in vain to get any of the world-weary teens even to look at her posters. Eventually Susan gives up and takes her stack of flyers over to the ice cream stand, where she purchases two ice cream sundaes, one for her and one for Mike, I guess? Even though he's not with her? Or maybe she's finally decided to eat, and she's making up for lost time with double portions? In any case, since she's now double-fisting the ice cream, she has no hands free to distribute posters, so she sort of absently asks the ice cream man if she can just leave her stack of flyers with him, so that he can hand them out to customers. As she's asking this, she tongues one of the sundaes and winds up with a huge smear of chocolate and whipped cream all over her mouth and chin. At which point the ice cream man points out that the kid she's looking for is actually sitting right over there. Still carrying the sundaes, Susan yells, "Zach!," which immediately gets Zana running. Susan does what any normal person would do: she throws down the ice cream and runs after him. All but the "does what any normal person would do and throws down the ice cream" part. Susan actually runs after Zana while continuing to hold the bowls of ice cream in her hands. As she runs, the ice cream starts spraying everywhere, getting all over her white wife-beater top and khaki pants. It's only after Zana turns, picks up a big scary stick, and growls at her that Susan finally, finally drops the ice cream.
Cut to Mike, standing in the middle of the park, looking frustrated. And then up comes Susan, completely covered in ice cream and practically hyperventilating. She looks like she's on the run from someone with a chainsaw. Or...someone carrying a big stick, who has demonstrated an ability to hospitalize a woman with a similarly big stick. Mike asks her what's wrong, and Susan struggles to regain her command of the spoken word. The momentary pause seems to give Susan enough time to think about what it means to her that Zana is still in town. So rather than tell Mike she just spotted his son, she tells him, "I got you some ice cream." Mike looks a little confused. Susan: "But then I got hungry." Like a lost, little girl, she puts one of her ice-cream smeared fingers in her mouth. Mike laughs and kind of walks away. I'm not sure whether this is a case of Mike being so stupid that he's capable of believing Susan's obviously made-up story, or Susan being such a two-year-old that Mike has no trouble believing in the possibility of her experiencing a complete spastic ice cream meltdown. Maybe both!
Bree, Gabrielle, and Susan are all standing in someone's kitchen. Gabby's kitchen? Gabby is drinking what appears to be wine, which is slightly odd, since she's supposed to be pregnant. Or have we given up on that storyline? (Not that some women don't drink a glass of wine now and then when they're pregnant with no harm or foul done to their unborn babies. But if that's the case, then at least have Gabby say she's drinking with the approval of modern studies on her side. Or if it's apple juice or whatever, say that. Otherwise, it just looks like a mistake. ["Though none of the girls know she's pregnant, so maybe she's just holding the glass and pretending to drink in order not to arouse suspicion? In which case she should at least look cagey or shifty or something." -- Wing Chun]) Susan is finishing up telling them about the Great Ice Cream Caper: "So then I just threw my ice cream at him and ran." Gabby and Bree stare at Susan for a few beats. Susan begs them to say something, so Gabby finally says, "Thank god you're wearing flats." Ha! Bree: "I'm still recovering from 'Mike is Zach's real father.'" Susan says she should have told Mike about Zana: "I'm a horrible person, right?" Gabby: "Oh, Susan, come on! Zach attacked Felicia, he blew up your kitchen. Evidently he tried to kill Mike. I think we can all agree this kid's a freak!" Bree pointedly turns to rinse out her wine glass. Susan goads her to share what she's thinking. Bree: "Well, I think, given everything that's happened, it's perfectly justified that you'd be frightened of Zach..." Susan: "But..." Bree: "But Zach is Mary Alice's son. He grew up playing in our yards. If he has any hope of surviving, I have to believe he's better off here than on the streets." Susan looks a little dazed, and then she sort of nods her head resignedly. I'm glad they presented both these arguments -- Gabby's and Bree's -- because both schools of thought definitely have their followers on the discussion boards, and it's nice to see the difficulties of the problem so clearly articulated. Also, it's really, really nice to see more than two of the Housewives together in one room having a meaningful heart-to-heart, since it's a binding/bonding element of the show that's been sorely missed this season. (Now, if only Bree would have more sympathy and understanding for her own son, we'd really be getting somewhere.)
Wow, again with the commercials. Ads, ads, ads. So many ads!
Lynette and Tom are loading the dishwasher, Lynette saying that she underestimated how much her leaving would affect Little Big P. Mr. Mom Tom (who seems to be doing a great job of keeping the house clean these days) tells Lynette that P is going to be fine: "He's just gotta get used to Daddy providing all the love." Lynette wheels around, and Tom hastily explains that he was totally kidding: "The kid's resilient; he will adapt." Lynette reminds Tom that P "attacked a teacher with an umbrella." Tom says it was just a poke. Lynette frets that maybe she shouldn't be working at all. Tom says that having two stay-at-home parents would be nice, "although buying food might become an issue." Lynette then suggests that maybe she should try to get some flextime at work? Which is, of course, totally out of the question; has she completely forgotten the tyranny that is Bossy Boobs? Lynette concedes that BB probably would not go for it, and her frustration causes her to start kicking the dishwasher door. Why is it, Lynette wonders, that she's the only one coming up with ideas? Tom suggests hugs: he read in some magazine that kids need ten hugs a day, so maybe that's what she should do -- start piling on the hugs. Lynette: "That'll fix everything? Hugs?" Tom tells her that indeed it will; in fact, why doesn't she come in for a big hug herself? The share a nice, warm embrace. Tom: "It's working, isn't it?" Lynette: "Shut up." Aw!
Lynette goes upstairs to find P in bed with a book and a flashlight. He is also holding the umbrella, open, over his head. P is kind of a weird little kid! He's busy, he informs Lynette with a pout: Mrs. Mulberry is reading him a story. Lynette tells him that's nice, but that it's time for bed. She takes the umbrella away and goes to close it, but P yells, "No!" Lynette sits down on the bed and gently tells him, "I know things have been hard for you since I started back to work, but it is just as hard for me to be away from you. And you just have to remember that even when I'm not around, my love for you is real. You may not be able to see it, but it's not imaginary like Mrs. Mulberry. It's real. Okay, honey?" Not so surprisingly (since most kids don't really like being so overtly psychoanalyzed, nor do they like having their imaginary friends called unreal), P tells Lynette that Mrs. Mulberry is so real; also, she told P that Lynette was a liar. I'm not sure what he's driving at, regarding the lying thing. What has Lynette lied to him about? ["She definitely is a liar, but the kid doesn't know that." -- Wing Chun] But anyway, P is very upset and takes his book and flashlight and hides under his big-boy football, soccer ball, and baseball sheets. Lynette tries to take the sheet off his head, but he yanks it back on, insisting that he and Mrs. M are reading. Lynette looks defeated, and then sadly touches P's head through the sheet and leaves the room.
George and Bree are having a picnic at an outside table somewhere along, I believe, Wisteria Lane? Bree is dishing up slices of watermelon and telling George, once again, that they shouldn't see each other anymore: "Ever since I found out what Andrew said to you, I've been doing some soul-searching, and I've realized that everything that's happened is completely my fault." George thinks that's ridiculous. Bree: "It's not. All the things that Andrew's been saying, and the way he's been acting -- it's all connected to his father's death." Yes! I'm glad she's finally acknowledging why Andrew might be upset. Though, come to think of it, Andrew was acting up way before Rex's death. But still! Andrew's current sadness over his father's death is reason enough for George to take a hike! Bree goes on to say that she needs to spend more time focusing on Andrew. Bree is eating her watermelon with a knife and fork, which is perfect, just exactly the way Bree would eat watermelon. George, who is eating his slice of melon with his hands (like this little piggy does), takes a deep breath, and then agrees that, yes, she should absolutely concentrate on Andrew. Bree thanks George for being so understanding. Then an odd look of alarm passes over her face and she scoots over to the picnic basket. Napkins! She forgot to hand out napkins!
Susan is back at the park for wayward teens. She's carrying a really cute vintage-looking clutch! And there's Zana, sitting on a bench! And here I was thinking Zana would have to be an idiot to return to the same exact park. Is he trying to get caught? Wait, maybe he's trying to get caught. He's also picking his foot, which apparently he damaged in the Ice Cream Incident. Susan sneaks up on him, and then asks him to please not run away. Lucky for Susan, Zana can't run on said damaged foot. Susan says she just wants to talk to him, and she offers to buy him some food since he looks pretty hungry (and Susan would know!).
Cut to a diner: Zana is gobbling food, and Susan is watching him eat (not having ordered anything herself, of course). Zana: "My dad's alive? Where is he?" Susan doesn't know. Because really, he actually could be dead, gobbled up by vultures and roadrunners out there in the desert where Mike left him. Nonetheless, Susan swears that CreePaul is alive, and that Mike did not kill him. Zana wonders if maybe CreePaul's gone back to Utah, then says he just needs to get some money so he can find him -- I wonder why Zana is so fired up to find that man who drugged and lied to him? Susan: "You know what I think? I think you should come back with me." Zana understandably finds this somewhat confusing; to the best of his knowledge, there's no one in Fairview for him but police looking to arrest him for battering Felicia. Susan: "There are still people at home who care about you, and there's things that you need to know." But Susan can't say any more, except that Zana messed up a lot of people's lives! Operating in this vacuum, Zana concludes that it's Julie who wants to talk to him! Julie! This prompts a scary rant about how he knows that he "messed up her life," how he "really misses her," and how he "thinks about her all the time." Susan agrees that Julie's "a really special girl." Zana wonders if Julie's said anything about him: "Because if she has, then I might still have a chance with her!" Susan starts looking uncomfortable. Zana: "If I come back with you, then I-I-I can make it up to her!" Susan, looking very sad and worried: "Do you know what I think? I think you were right; I think you should try to find your father first." Zana is all, "Really?" And Susan goes on: "Now that you know he's okay, you should go to him; he'll want to take care of you. That's what parents do." Get it? She's actually talking about herself and Julie here! Susan busts out her cute clutch and asks Zana how much money he thinks he'll need to get to Utah. And while I can understand and even admire Susan's desire to keep Zana away from Julie, I wonder if (a) sending him out unsupervised, to return whenever and wherever he wants, is the best way to handle it; (b) if she trusts and loves Mike so much, why not let him give him the chance to at least try out his parenting skills on Zana (or maybe Susan's worried that she'll discover that Mike's protective streak doesn't extend to include Julie?); and (c) this isn't going to endear Susan to Mike, no, not at all, and you just know he's going to find out about it eventually. So? All in all, not the greatest plan.
Lynette sneaks into P's room, steals his umbrella, and then smooshes it into the very same garbage can she buried Mr. Rat in, the resting place of so many of her secrets...
...only when the garbageman arrives to empty the can, the umbrella slides free and pops open right in the middle of the street.
The morning, P runs downstairs in his little dinosaur PJs and jumps into Tom's arms, all distressed that he can't find Mrs. Mulberry's umbrella anywhere. Lynette, with barely concealed falseness, reports that she has no idea where the umbrella might be. Tom soothes P, telling him that Mrs. Mulberry is surely around the house somewhere. Lynette: "Orrr...maybe she's not! She could have left. You know...maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help." Tom gives Lynette a "wait a minute" sort of look, and P asks who this other little boy might be. Lynette, clearly making this all up on the fly: "I don't know! It could be a little boy in...England. Named...Spencer? I mean...it's conjecture on my part, but it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more because she...doesn't have a daddy! And a mommy who love him. Yeah! That's it: he's an orphan. With no hands." Ha ha! Tom's face kind of freezes at the "no hands" part, like, uh-oh, maybe she's gone to far? But P takes it pretty well, and Lynette gives him a big hug, and he pretty cheerfully heads back upstairs to get dressed. Tom, all gigglishly scandalized: "What have you done with Mrs. Mulberry?" Lynette: "Until there's a body, there's no evidence of a crime."
Cut to Tom, Lynette, and Little Big P leaving the house (Tom's carrying a coffee cup, so I'm guessing he plans on going back inside to supervise Penny and the "twins"). P immediately spots the umbrella sitting in the street, and yells, "Mrs. Mulberry! she's back!" Lynette, looking totally fed up, gives a forced "Oh, goody," and then a...garbage truck comes zooming past, decimating Mrs. Mumbrella. P's eyes open WIDE, and Lynette and Tom look a little panicked. All three of them run over to the "body," and P grabs Lynette's legs, saying, all weepy, "She got run over, she's dead!" Well, look whose plan kind of worked? P's all back with Lynette again! Tom suggests that maybe they could call 911 (what the hell?), but Lynette steers the conversation away from that totally insane suggestion: "No, Tom...she's gone." Over P's shoulder, Lynette gives Tom a meaningful look, like "zip it!"
Andrew is at the swim meet, wearing knee-length Speedos, stretching and shaking out his arms, getting ready for his race. He waves to Bree, who's sitting in the audience right up front, to a conveniently empty chair. And look who's just arrived: George! With a gift! As the announcer tells the swimmers to take their mark, George sits down to Bree. She asks him what he's doing there, and he assures her that he'll be quick. Bree looks over at Andrew, who's watching the whole thing in disbelief. George rushes on: "I thought about what you said, and you're right: Andrew needs his space." Bree thanks George, but continues looking distractedly over at Andrew. George goes on to tell her that he understands if she wants to change pharmacists (a little late!), but first, he wanted to give her this gift.
And here's where this scene completely departs from plausibility: rather than wait for her son's race to finish, Bree goes ahead and opens George's gift. The race gun goes off, and the swimmers are in the pool, but Andrew keeps bringing his head up to look over at his mom and George. Bree is thrilled to discover that George has given her the missing dessert plate! Remember? The one she babbled endlessly on about back at the sex-sound dinner? It is a truly thoughtful gift, and once again, I am sorry that George is so awful because he's a good match for Bree. Bree is very happy about the plate, and she gives George a big hug. George gives Andrew a nasty look over his shoulder and starts kissing Bree's...neck? cheek? Bree tries to push George away, but George keeps on kissing her side-face region. Andrew, who has stopped swimming, looks on from the pool. Bree keeps saying, "George, George, George," and then Andrew swims over, jumps from the pool, and dives on top of George, knocking everyone in the audience asunder. Bree is screaming, everybody's screaming. ["Won't someone think of the dessert plate?!" -- Wing Chun] Finally, the swim coach comes over and drags Andrew off George. Andrew: "Did you see him? He was kissing her!" Bree says that George is bleeding. Andrew: "That FREAK was kissing her!" Bree goes to collect her things, and when she's turned away, George gives Andrew a gloating little look. I know that Bree didn't see it, but didn't anyone in the entire rest of the crowd catch that? I don't know. I'm not believing this scene at all. George was totally forcing himself on Bree! And while attacking someone isn't exactly behavior worthy of a party, it's at least understandable why a boy might jump in and punch a man who was kissing his mother against her wishes.
And it's MAVO time! "The world is filled with good fathers. How do we recognize them? They're the ones who are missed so terribly that everything falls apart in their absence." Bree looks on with arms crossed as Andrew pack his bags (placing a photo of Rex right at the top of his suitcase): he's off to reprogramming camp! Even though it really is incredible that Bree or anyone else would judge Andrew -- a boy whose father died just FOUR WEEKS AGO and then who spotted his mother being pawed unwillingly by a creepy, waxen pharmacist -- as in need of reprogramming. "They're the ones who love us long before we've even arrived." Carlos is in bed in the conjugal cubby with Gabby, and he lovingly touches his wife's belly. "They're the ones who come looking for us when we can't find our way home." Mike is out canvassing the streets with Bongo and finds one of the Zana flyers blowing in the wind. Elsewhere, Tom walks in to find Lynette crying in bed. Lynette, through the tears and much hiccupping: "Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world." MAVO: "Yes. The world is filled with good fathers..." Tom tells Lynette that P is going to get over it in no time, and that when their son grows up, P and Lynette are going to laugh and laugh about the funny lies Lynette told her son when he was little. MAVO: "And the best are the ones who make the women in their lives..." Tom tells Lynette, "I promise," and then he hugs her tight and rubs her shoulder. MAVO: "...feel like good mothers."
week: Lynette gets drunk at a company gathering and dances provocatively atop a bar!