By DeAnn Welker
Desperate Housewives must have figured its characters would be more relatable if they all had money problems. This is not the case, of course, but nevertheless, here is our "economy" episode:
Gaby has money again since she forced Carlos to take a corporate job, but she's still not as skinny as she used to be. In order to fit into the dress she wore when Carlos proposed, she signs up for Edie's boot camp, taught by a former member of the Israeli army. He doesn't like Gaby, because she's a whiner and, eventually, a quitter. But Edie tells her what a brat she's being and she toughs it out. Then she looks all sexy as she heads to The Palm with Carlos.
Susan has even bigger problems, though: Her kid's in public school (gasp!). She wants him to go to Oakridge, a fancy, schmancy, Chilton-style private school with a white-haired headmaster. She gets him in, but Mike (who's been working long days and nights, by the way) cannot afford it. He can't even afford to buy Katherine real pearls, in fact, but that doesn't stop Susan from trying to steal them. All I can say is nice job on the fake pearls, Mike: You fooled everyone, even ogling Bob and Lee. Ultimately, Susan figures it all out and gets MJ into the school, by getting a job there as an art teacher's assistant. [I've been watching this show all season, and I had no idea that Susan was a children's book illustrator. - Zach] How cool would it be if this somehow brings Jackson back? Maybe he's the teacher? I'd really enjoy that.
Lynette's financial problems are the biggest of all, though. Since they had to use all of that money to send Porter's cougar away and then to pay his legal bills, they have no nest egg. Which they sort of need, now that no one's eating pizza (one of the many hurt industries in a bad economy, apparently). Tom even has to sell his midlife-crisis-mobile. Lynette gets some help in the form of a $20,000 check from Bree. She takes it as an investment in Scavo's, but then proceeds to act bitchy toward Bree every time she says or does anything in the form of advice or having an opinion. Sure, Bree can act entitled, but in this case, she sort of is, so Lynette should probably grow up and stop being... completely out of character, actually. Ultimately, it seems like their friendship is pretty much over, despite Lynette being the one Housewife big enough to say she was proud of Bree earlier this season. This show will just make people do anything to stick to the Mary Alice Voiceover of the Week, won't it? Well, I can take a lot, but stop the Lynette character assassination, please.
Creepy Dave is all buddy-buddy with Tom until Bob and Lee spill that he was the one who accused Porter of starting the nightclub fire. Tom's pissed and punches Creepy Dave, who has been taking his self-defense courses, because Tom's second punch goes nowhere fast. I do believe that friendship is over, though. Then Edie makes the mistake of asking Creepy Dave how their marriage compares to her first marriage. He totally freaks us all out by telling her that now he knows love ends in death. Oh, God. I hope he's not planning to kill Edie.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see when the Housewives were at their most Desperate in our rundown of their Most Regrettable Movie Roles!
Previously: Mike and Katherine really like each other. Gaby wants to lose weight. Bree's success makes everyone jealous.
A $20 bill floats around on Wisteria Lane as Mary Alice tells us that people don't talk about money in the suburbs. Well, yeah, if you just let a twenty float around in the road, then money isn't a problem, so no need to discuss it, right? Something like that. Mary Alice says there's no need to talk about it, since everyone lets you know: Edie buys a bunch of new clothes, Bob and Lee buy a fancy new refrigerator, Orson supervises as two gardeners make his yard beautiful. Mike has an old, cruddy barbecue, some lady we don't know needs to paint her house, and Lynette's selling Tom's mid-life-crisis-mobile. The guy who buys it is super-happy, but apparently Tom's inside sobbing. Katherine walks up as the buyer drives away and Lynette explains they can't afford Tom's midlife crisis now that they're broke. Katherine is horrified by the word "broke." Lynette blames it on the legal fees and the fact that no one eats pizza in a bad economy (conveniently not explaining how she gave their life savings to their son's Mrs. Robinson), and then asks Katherine to please not tell anyone. Katherine says she shouldn't be embarrassed, since everyone is in the same boat in this economy.
Just then, Bree pulls up in a shiny, black Lexus, all, "What do you think?" Her book made the Times bestseller list and they're talking "three-book deal," so she got the urge to splurge. Also, the $20 blew onto her windshield at the stop sign. She says, "Life is good." Mary Alice tells us people don't talk about money in the suburbs because, when they do, other people get angry. A zoom in on a pissed Lynette takes us to the opening credits.
Mary Alice is explaining what happens when someone on Wisteria Lane buys a new car. It's a simple ritual that seems to involve people standing around to look at it. Edie, Katherine and Gaby are all there, excited to see the new car, and Lynette's there, too, but less excited. We are to understand this since she's on the other side of the car from the excited ladies, so we don't even see her at first. Mary Alice makes a big deal about how some friends aren't really "there" for the ritual, even if they're there. But at least she showed up. Certain other "poor" ladies (Susan Meyer!) didn't even bother. But we are supposed to think the big deal is with Lynette, not Susan. Because Lynette's there, but not participating in the complimenting ritual. Bree shows everyone the refrigerator in her back seat and then is about to show how quiet it is (it's a hybrid), when Lynette excuses herself. Bree wonders what's up, and Katherine quickly blabs that they're broke. Edie also saw Lynette turning her cans in for money at the recycling center, which Gaby says is a half a step from selling your eggs on the Internet. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that we have Gaby, who's been "poor" for so long, on the rich side of this? [Yeah, that happened real fast, didn't it? - Zach] The ladies go back to looking at Bree's car.
Susan, meanwhile, is in a stuffy headmaster's office with MJ. She is so happy Mr. Hobson has taken the time to see her, since he must be busy running Oak Ridge. MJ is less interested than Susan, spending his time kicking Mr. Hobson's desk. Susan puts her hand on his leg to stop him. Susan heard through the grapevine about an opening at the school, because of some kid biting his teacher. MJ's pulling his hood over his head just as Mr. Hobson tells her they can't tolerate biting. Mr. Hobson tells her MJ was on his waiting list anyway. Then he hands her the tuition price, which has gone up a tad. Susan's face shows us that "a tad" means "more than a tad." Then she finds out it's already prorated since he's starting mid-year, and she dies immediately. Not really, but she can't hide the shock. She starts shaking her knee, and MJ reaches over and stops her.
Carlos wants to take Gaby to The Palm for their anniversary, but she thinks it's too expensive, since they're still paying off credit card debt. He says that's taken care of since he got his bonus. She's excited, and tells him he could have used this to get sex earlier. Not that she only cares about money or anything. Carlos says, "We're not lighting-cigars-with-$5-bills rich" (is there such a thing?) "but we are headed in the right direction." Is the right direction toward lighting cigars with $5 bills? Because that seems wasteful of money and paper. Bad for the environment and the economy. Gaby tells Carlos she's wearing the dress from the night he proposed, and he scoffs that she can't fit into that. She told him she's almost back to their wedding weight -- "one good colonic away from being the old me."
Tom is red-eyed from crying as Bob and Lee watch him clean up oil in his garage. They tell him they're sorry he's sad. He says the oil is all he has to remember her by, and adds that he called her Foxy -- "do you want to know why?" Lee, sweetly: "Nooo." Hee. Me neither. Thank you, Lee. Just then, Creepy Dave shows up because he heard the car was sold. Tom says that the restaurant is dying because people don't want to buy pizza from the parents of an alleged arsonist. I know that's all I look for in a pizza place. Bob's starting to look annoyed, rolling his eyes at Creepy Dave and Tom. Tom's venting about how he's driving a dad car while someone else is out rolling with Foxy, and Creepy Dave is sympathetic. Bob excuses himself and Lee. As soon as they leave, Lee asks him what was up with that, and Bob explains that he went over discovery materials in Porter's case, and Creepy Dave was the witness linking Porter to the club, the only one who claimed to see him in the back room. Which makes Bob wonder what he's up to, since Porter wasn't even in the building. Lee doesn't know, but he thinks they have to tell Tom. Bob doesn't think they should, because it will get ugly, but Lee is okay with that. [Of course he is. The man lives to create ugly. - Z] Bob says it's none of their business and, anyway, there's something scary about Creepy Dave.
Gaby's trying to put on her dress, but she and her tailor, Jean, can't zip it up. She can't figure this out, since she's only two pounds from her runway weight. She's going to try peeing again, when Jean explains that after you have kids, the weight redistributes and Gaby should give in to it, like Jean did. Gaby tells Jean she didn't just give in, she slapped a piece of cheese on it. Of course: Everything's better with cheese. And also, I don't like this Gaby. I like her better nice. Speaking of not nice, Gaby sees Edie running by and asks her to wait up. I thought Gaby was going to try to go running with Edie, but instead she asks how she can lose five pounds in a day. Edie first suggests drinking until you puke, but then says she did it through her intense boot camp workout class ("very military; very intense"). But you can't get in without a referral, and no way is she referring lazy Gaby, who will embarrass her. When Gaby says Edie's just worried Gaby will look better than she does, Edie tells her to be there at 6 a.m.
Mike can't believe that Susan wants to spend MJ's college tuition on first grade, and Susan says she knows they might have to give up some luxuries. Mike agrees: luxuries like food and heat. She reminds him of all the problems at MJ's public school, and now there are even budget cutbacks. Oak Ridge, on the other hands, is fabulous. Though with a name like Oak Ridge, it sounds more like a mental institution than a school. Mike would kill to send MJ there (Really? Start with Creepy Dave!), but he doesn't have a lot of money right now. Susan tells him her editor quit and her books aren't flying off the shelves, so could he pick up some extra shifts? He's already working around the clock, so he can't pick up more shifts. She asks what he did from the money he made on some big job he just finished. He tells her they're not married, so what he does with his money is not her business. She doesn't have a good comeback, and he leaves anyway.
Over coffee, Bree hands Lynette an envelope with a check inside, since she knows Tom and Lynette are going through some rough times. There's a lot of back and forth about whether Lynette can or will accept it, and then she finds out it's $20,000 (now that is a friend!), and tells Bree she can't take it as a loan or gift, but how would Bree like to be 15 percent partner on Scavo's? Bree is totally in, since she was going to just give it to Lynette as a birthday gift anyway. They shake on it. That's totally how business is done on Wisteria.
Gaby's meeting with her boot camp instructor, who wants her to understand what she's committing to so much that he makes her sign a contract. Seems a little much for an exercise class, doesn't it? I guess maybe intensity and being forced actually helps some people, though. Jillian Michaels' record would certainly indicate that's the case. He's annoyed she signs the contract without reading it, and he cites his Israeli army training at her. He thinks Gaby's not tough enough for his class, but she tells "Mr. Iraqi Army guy" (and then "whatever"s him when he corrects: "Israeli") that he doesn't know what war is until he's been a model, because being in the dressing room with a bunch of other size 0s reaching for the last rice cake is so much more difficult than the Middle East conflict. He also tells her she can't say any of his seven forbidden words in class, or she'll have to run a lap. The words: cake, tired, can't, donut ... That's four, actually, but who's counting? Gaby stupidly says "donut," and earns another lap, so she decides to read the contract. [I totally don't think "rice cake" should count as "cake." - Z]
It's exercise class time, and they're doing crunches. The instructor talks about the sit-ups he used to do in 115-degree weather in the special forces. Gaby's not crunching because she's so tired she's "puking air." The instructor notices her, and instead of going back to work, she stops to tell him this is all a bit much, and she would like a break soon. He tells her to shut the hell up and get back to crunching. Then he punishes everyone by turning their two-mile run into four miles, blaming Edie for being stupid enough to bring Gaby.
On Wisteria, Lee's making googly eyes at Katherine when Susan walks up. Lee insists Susan look at Katherine's beautiful pearls, even though Katherine tells him not to make a fuss. Susan says they're "stunning," and then Katherine leaves to go prep for a bar mitzvah. After she leaves, Lee tells Susan how much of a keeper Mike is for buying Katherine those pearls. Then he realizes that Susan didn't keep Mike, so maybe he shouldn't have said that. [See? Ugly! - Z]
Lynette shows up at Bree's work (Katherine's not there yet, strangely) to tell her about a thank-you dinner they have planned for her at Scavo's, for just friends and family. Bree thinks that sounds nice, but she quickly turns it into something more than a private party: a local launch for her book. She condescendingly tells Lynette that if she does this at Scavo's, she'll "finally fill the place." As she's doing this, she actually hands Lynette her jacket and then asks her to hang it in the back of the car. It's a bit heavy-handed to have Bree treating Lynette like her hired help all of a sudden, but we get the point: rich friend, poor friend. Bree wants this dinner to be an opportunity for Lynette, turning one of her "dismal" Thursday night seatings into "a real event."
Lynette's taking some trash out and sees the full, uncooked pizzas in the dumpster. Uh-oh. She looks mad. Inside, Bree's signing a book as she basically guarantees her book will keep mother-in-laws from complaining about your cooking. Lynette comes and grabs her and takes her out back. I don't know why Bree got all the way out back before knowing what they were doing, but she did. Lynette wants an explanation for the wasteful pizzas in the trash and Bree says she wasn't comfortable with her recipes being made with substandard ingredients. They bicker about ingredients, pizza and money (Bree will reimburse Lynette for throwing out the pizzas, and Lynette says that's Bree lording her money over everyone). Lynette, who told Bree how proud she was of Bree's hard work and success earlier this season now says Bree's success is just because she "caught a couple of breaks." She says Bree just got lucky, and Bree says we create our own luck and Lynette tends to cut corners. She can teach Lynette to pay more attention to detail. This pisses Lynette off, which she makes clear sarcastically, of course, by crowing about her opportunity to learn from the great Bree Hodge. Bree says she's not the one who needed the money to keep her business afloat, and Lynette says that no, she's just the one who won't let her forget it. I really think Lynette's the one not letting anyone forget it. Bree would have probably been perfectly happy as a silent partner, but Lynette threw this party in her honor, etc. Or I could be wrong, of course; we all know Bree's controlling. Lynette's leaving, and Bree says she doesn't know why she's so upset. Lynette says she knows she doesn't, but five years ago she would have. And then she backs into Bree's shiny new car. Lynette goes from mad to sad in an instant, saying, "You know that was an accident, right?"
Gaby's tailor is there as she comes out of her closet all dolled up and amazing-looking. That is a dress, and not a dress from... however many years ago we're supposed to believe Carlos and Gaby got engaged. Jean tells Gaby she's back, just like she was before. Gaby says she thinks she's changed a little bit, but Jean says not that she can see. She turns to leave, but Gaby hugs her and tells her how much she's appreciated her all these years. Jean's clearly shocked, because this isn't the old, rich Gaby.
Tom shows up at Creepy Dave's house. [Is anyone left running Scavo's? - Z] All Creepy Dave manages is, "Hi, buddy..." before Tom punches him in the face. Creepy Dave plays dumb, but Tom says he knows he's the one who told the cops Porter started the fire. Creepy Dave says he didn't say Porter started the fire, only that he saw him in the hallway. Tom yells that he couldn't have seen him there, since he wasn't there. Creepy Dave says the cops were really pressuring him and he had to tell him what he thought he saw. Tom says Porter could have gone to jail, and now his family's broke. Creepy Dave gets all panicky, breathing heavily but almost too rhythmically, promising he'll make it up to Tom. He says he'd never want to hurt Tom or Lynette. Tom says he didn't tell Lynette about this, because if he had, Creepy Dave would be dead. [Or, at least, his car would be a wreck. - Z] Creepy Dave tells him he's sorry and he knows he shouldn't have said anything, but it was dark and he'd been drinking. Tom pulls back to punch again, but Creepy Dave grabs Tom's punching arm, then gets him in some sort of choke hold and says, "Stop. Just stop." Then he asks if Tom's done, as if Tom's five. Tom says he is, so Creepy Dave lets him go. Creepy Dave pleads that there has to be a way to work this out, because they're friends. Tom says that's what he thought, too, but he doesn't know who Creepy Dave is anymore. He walks off, as Creepy Dave yells after him, "Tom!" and then stands there fuming, but in his creepy, calm way.
Still calm as he reads in bed with Edie, Creepy Dave tells Edie he doesn't want to talk about his first wife. Edie says it's been weeks since she found out about her and she hasn't mentioned her once, so she'd like to ask just one question. He relents. Edie asks what the biggest difference is between being married to her and being married to Edie. He answers quickly that, honestly, this marriage is more real. Edie seems to like that answer, so she cuddles up to him. But she asks "In what way?" That's two questions, Creepy Dave. Don't answer! He tells Edie he thought his other marriage was a fairy tale that would last forever, but it didn't. Edie's obviously not pleased that "not a fairy tale" is what he meant by "more real." He goes on that what he has with Edie is more real because he knows it's not forever. She looks confused. He says that when he's with Edie, he tells himself to appreciate the moment because tomorrow might never come, since love is just temporary. "The way the fairy tale ends... is death." Okay, a couple things: 1. Is he also talking about Mike and whoever he loves? 2. Does this mean he really didn't meet Edie intentionally, knowing where she was from, and that he really does love her? It seemed too quick and imperfect a response to not be sincere, I think. Edie says she wishes she'd gone with her first instinct, which was to ask if his first wife was prettier than her.
Susan's back at Mr. Hobson's, telling him she can't afford the tuition, but she read that faculty members get a 50 percent discount and would like to offer her "award" "winning" children's-book-illustrator self for his art department. He doesn't have any room in the art department. He appreciates her enthusiasm, but thinks this won't work out. She gets up to leave, but turns back and pushes a little harder, saying she'll take any job to get poor, poor MJ out of public school, where he's struggling. He needs extra attention instead of the big classes at his school. Susan will work any job -- lunch lady, janitor, anything -- so that she can feel like she's contributing as much as Mike is. Mr. Hobson has one job that's she's overqualified for: an assistant to an art teacher. [I thought he didn't have any openings in the department? And considering that she doesn't have a teaching degree, I hardly think she's "overqualified" for an assistant spot. - Z] Could the art teacher be Jackson? Dare I hope? I know it's not likely, but I'd love to see Gale Harold again (who wouldn't?).
Lynette's in Bree's test kitchen giving her a check for the damage to the car, since she can't afford to go through her insurance. Bree thinks it's silly since it's just the bumper, but Lynette needs to do it. And she's going to pay back every penny of Bree's investment, with interest, once they're back on their feet. She storms out, and Bree follows, saying she doesn't want money to get in the way of their friendship. Lynette says snottily, "Yeah, I think it's a little late for that." Um, why? Because she did you a favor? You're the one letting it get in the way! Why is Lynette acting like this? It's so out of character, and infuriating. That all said, I still love Felicity Huffman. She can convince me of anything, even this out-of-character nonsense that will surely be resolved in a week or two, knowing this show.
Mary Alice says there's a lot you can do with money in the suburbs, as Bree pulls the check for the car out of the envelope. She says: "You can pay for a night on the town," as lovely Gaby comes down the stairs to Carlos. "You can provide a private school education," as Susan has MJ trying on his cute, tiny uniform. "You can purchase a token of affection," as Mike kisses Katherine, who's fondling her fake pearls. But Mary Alice says that the one thing you must never do with money is use it as a weapon, because someone always gets hurt. As she says this, Bree tears up the check from Lynette and leaves it on the counter. Then she walks out of the kitchen and the breeze blows some pieces of it around. I don't get what Mary Alice was saying. Was Lynette using it as a weapon? Or Bree? Or both? Or neither? I am so confused by that wrap-up voiceover. Someone please explain. [As someone who has endlessly waited for a check I've written to show up in my bank account, I think Bree is the one hurting Lynette here. - Z]
Anyway, week things hopefully go back to being simple enough for me to understand. It looks like Lynette tells Tom they're going to lose everything. Orson finds out Andrew might be making more than him. Katherine is either feeding MJ or getting him prepared for a haircut, judging by the size of bib/drape she's putting around him. Susan tells Katherine she's devious. And they promise we can see a longer preview on ABC.com. I'll take their word for it.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see when the Housewives were at their most Desperate in our rundown of their Most Regrettable Movie Roles!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.