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Recapped by Evany · Aired 05-20-2006

Okay, so here's the whole two-hour season finale in a nutshell: Tom is desperately trying to find Lynette, but she's well hidden in a hotel with the four Ps. Then a P breaks his arm and Lynette is forced to call Tom. In the hospital, he finally gets to explain his side of the story: apparently, he had a one-night stand with a woman twelve years ago, back before he met Lynette, and now it turns out that he has an eleven-year-old daughter. Lynette gamely agrees to meet the daughter and her mother, but only the mother shows up for the visit. Over lunch, the mother -- who is crazy -- screechingly demands that Tom back-pay eleven years' worth of child support. Lynette and Tom dig deep and manage to come up with a check for $30k, which the woman promptly uses for a down payment on a house in Fairview, surprise! Gabby begins to suspect that Carlos and Money are sleeping together, so she gets a doctor to check Money's oven and discovers that the once-immaculate virgin has turned whore. So then Gabby plants baby monitors all over the house and totally catches Carlos and Money in the act. Gabby makes the maid help her throw all Carlos's clothes out the window; then she screams at Carlos to go find somewhere else to live (even though, as Carlos is quick to point out, she'd given him permission to sleep around). When Money tries to leave, too, Gabby tells the maid that she isn't going anywhere -- not with Gabby's egg inside her, nope. Zana visits CreePaul in jail, and CreePaul bitchily commands him to go get money from Noah to pay for a fancy lawyer to help find a way out of Felicia's crazy finger trap. Zana begins to suspect that CreePaul maybe did kill Mrs. Huber, but nonetheless, he pays Noah a visit. Noah is barely hanging in there, yet he has just enough strength to manipulate Zana (by calling him chicken, basically) into turning off Noah's breathing machine. Now a cold-blooded murderer himself, and also a zillionaire, Zana completely turns his back on CreePaul -- stops visiting him, stops taking his calls. He also petulantly orders that the pond at Noah's house be filled in, huh? The newly independent Susan gets an RV so that she and Julie have a place to stay while their blackened house gets rebuilt. Mike is so impressed with Susan's hot display of a backbone that he races out and buys her a wedding ring. Unfortuconveniently, Karl spots Mike browsing in the jewelry shop. Karl, in a pique of calculated jealousy, races out and buys Susan and Julie a house. When the apparently-not-so-independent Susan accepts the house gift, Mike is so disappointed that he punches Karl. In the tussle, Mike's tooth gets chipped, and Susan sends him to Kyle McOrsonlan for some tooth-doctoring. McOrsonlan comments that Mike's mouth is full of prison dentistry, which gets Mike thinking that he recognizes McOrsonlan from somewhere, perhaps from prison? McOrsonlan hastily denies the connection. Meanwhile, Susan, who picked up on the fact that Mike was fixing to propose to her, decides to pop the question herself. She hearts-to-hearts with Karl, and -- using the "if you love someone, set them free" argument -- she gets him to sign the divorce papers. Then she invites Mike to a big romantic dinner. On his way to dinner, Mike stops to get flowers, and as he's crossing the street, a mysterious red car completely mows him down. And the driver? None other than the dark dentist McOrsonlan! Caleb gets arrested, and he immediately confesses to the murder of Melanie Foster. Down at the station, the police show Betty the crime-scene photos of Melanie's body, which the murderer had covered with his jacket. Betty recognizes the jacket; it belonged to Matthew, not Caleb -- meaning Matthew is the murderer! Betty leaves a message for Bree, who's still off on her self-imposed mental-health retreat (where, incidentally, it turns out Kyle McOrsonlan comes thrice-weekly to visit a catatonic woman in a wheelchair), about how Matthew is maybe not the greatest escort for runaway Danielle. Bree immediately goes into mama-bear mode, but when she tries to leave her padded facilities to go save Danielle, she's captured and restrained. After some tricky maneuvering (she throws sand from a relaxing desktop rake garden directly in the face of her brain doctor), she makes a break for it. At home, she finds the cash-starved Danielle and Matthew breaking in to the Van de Kamps' family safe. When Bree tries to stop them, Matthew pulls a gun on her. But before Matthew can do anything, a SWAT team sharpshooter (called in by Betty) kills him dead through the window. Oh, but also? In flashback, we discover that while Matthew did kill Melanie, he only did so because she was threatening to tell the police that Caleb hit her with a stick (after she rejected his advances and hit him a bunch of times), meaning Matthew is a murderer, but not the creepy serial kind, so maybe his execution was unjust. ALSO? McOrsonlan shows up at Bree's house with a bouquet of flowers to congratulate her on her great escape, meaning that Bree's unlucky streak with creepy, damaged men is still in full effect. Have a great summer!

Previously: just a quick rundown of the many happenings from last week (Lynette left Tom, CreePaul got busted with some fingers in his trunk, Money got knocked up, Danielle and Matthew ran away, Bree checked herself into a nut house, and Susan declared her independence).

No complicated analogies about beehives or tea parties for MAVO this week; no, this time the theme is Paris simple: sometimes neighbors move in, and sometimes neighbors move out. That is so true. "Although," MAVO points out, "very few of them pack up and leave at two o'clock in the morning." It's nighttime at the Applewrong manse, and Betty is busy with some wee-hour packing, and not, as MAVO oozes, for the first time! Flashback to the Chicago of One Year Ago. Betty is tickling her magical ivories for Caleb while, in the foyer behind them, a shrill Melanie Foster is screeching at Matthew that she isn't the sort of girl who gets dumped; she does the dumping! Matthew, exasperated: "However you want to spin it's fine: I just want out." She "sexily" reminds him of the advantages of dating someone such as herself, and to underscore the point, she unbuckles his pants. With his mother and brother in the room, ew? Matthew: "Melanie? My mother is in the other room. Are you crazy?" That's just what I said! (Get out of my head, hot Matthew (and into my car).) Melanie, still with the seductress voice, suggests that perhaps Matthew would be more comfortable continuing this "discussion" down at the lumberyard tonight at 9. And I thought Danielle was slutty and horrible! Cut to Caleb, who's sitting just around the corner with ears fully pricked, his little damaged mind clearly working overtime to process the many implications of this convo. Matthew, firmly: "Melanie, it's over." Well then, all the more reason for Matthew to come a-lumber jacking tonight; Melanie, suggestively: "No one can say goodbye better than I do." And the way she utters "say goodbye," eyes batting, it's clear she really means "administer oral sex." Somehow I never really thought of a lumberyard as the ideal spot for an assignation, but I guess there is all that comfy sawdust lying around, and...wood.

Later, down at the humperyard, Melanie hears footsteps. She giggles and goes to unbutton her blouse, but her face falls when she sees that it isn't Matthew. It isn't even the Great Pumpkin. It's just Matthew's lumpy brother, Caleb. Caleb rather tactlessly suggests that since Matthew doesn't want her anymore, he can be Melanie's new boyfriend. Melanie laughs outright at the offer, describing the very idea of such a scenario as "too pathetic." Oh, Melanie, if only you could hear the ominous, brain-bashing music swelling, I think you'd be a tad more delicate with your words. Caleb lunges at her, kisser poised, and she baps him away. He tries to kiss her again -- this time with more force (scary) -- and she struggles free, grabs a board from the ground, and starts swinging it at him. She's so itty and he's so huge, her blows barely faze him, and he easily grabs the board away from her. And then he, you know, brains her with it, hard. (Scary, scary!) With the emotional mercurialness of mentally unhinged, he immediately downshifts from board-swinging lunatic to concerned citizen, leaning down to see if she's okay. When he discovers that she's unconscious and bleeding, he backs away in a panic, frantically wiping her blood onto the front of his shirt.

Back at Applewrong HQ (Chicago), Caleb pants and panics his way into the house. Betty takes in the bloody handprints all over the front of his shirt, and her face melts into a complicated look of fear combined with a resigned/unsurprised sort of "oh boy, here we go."

Back in the now, at Applewrong HQ (Fairview), Betty gives her piano (which is covered in a mover's blanket) a little goodbye pat, and then she and Caleb head for the door. MAVO tells us how Betty assumed that, once again, she would "slip away in the middle of the night," just like they did last year in Chicago. Caleb worriedly asks how Matthew's going to find them if they move, and Betty tells him that it's probably going to be just the two of them from here on out. And then...sirens! Two of Fairview's finest (police vehicles) screech to a halt in front of them, and slowly Caleb and Betty reach for the sky. MAVO: "But as [Betty] soon discovered, it's not that easy to slip away in the suburbs." Suddenly, the sidewalks are lined with hordes of fully dressed neighbors, including Gabby, Carlos, Mrs. McCluskey, and Tom. Do the denizens of Wisteria Lane now sleep fully clothed? Or perhaps they were all at a neighborhood meeting, and it ran super-late -- after all, they do have a lot to talk about, what with the severed fingers the cops found in CreePaul's garage. And yet: who actually called the cops? And why? I'd say it was Bree, only she's locked up in the mental ward. Okay, let's just say Bree warned the ladies before she left, and one of them made the call. Or Gabby somehow spotted her escaped ice-cream robber, and called the cops. A scene explaining how this all went down would have been helpful. But oh well. (As a regular Desperate viewer, I've grown expert at overlooking such oversights.) MAVO, continued: "Because in suburbia, once the neighbors hear you're going, they all insist on showing up to say goodbye." And from the grumpy looks on all the neighbors' faces, I'm guessing that in this context, "goodbye" does not equal oral sex in the lumberyard. OR DOES IT?

Well hey, it's the full credit sequence! Oh, how I've missed you. You know, you look good, really good. Have you been working out? Pilates? And a colon cleanse? I thought so.

MAVO, continuing with the hard-hitting "neighbors: they move" theme, narrates over a montage of moving vans pulling in to Wisteria Lane. A fully alive Mary Alice peeks out through her drapes, and we see Susan -- with long hair and bangs -- sitting on a big moving truck's open tailgate. She's smiling hugely and sharing a snack with a stroller-bound blonde two-year-old (Julie). It is, as the text on the screen so helpfully informs us, "14 Years Ago." Specifically, it's the day MA met Susan. Dead MAVO: "She seemed so delightfully confident, I couldn't help but [sic] feel intimidated." Susan brushes off her hands and heads into the bowels of the truck. Somehow, she manages to trip on the lip of the truck bed. She catches her arm on the strap attached to the rolling door on the truck, and it slams shut behind her, thereby totally locking her inside! Susan belts out a comic Joey-style "whoooa!" and MAVO archly tells us how her feelings of being intimidated by Susan's fantastic confidence "quickly passed." Susan bangs on the inside of the door and pleads with baby Julie to unsnap herself from her stroller and go get a neighbor, "but don't cross the street!!!" Susan's still screeching out instructions when the door rolls open. Susan, to herself, as the door rolls up: "My god, I have a genius baby." Ha! Then she sees that it's Mary Alice, not Julie, who's saved her. Susan laughs, MA laughs, and Susan points at Julie and corrects herself: "I have a normal baby." The ladies introduce themselves, and Susan tells MA how relieved she is that her husband didn't have to come to her rescue, seeing as he already thinks she's a "total klutz." MA invites Susan over for coffee, and Susan is absurdly grateful. Then she catches herself mid-swoon and apologizes to MA for probably seeming like a "lunatic." MA nicely assures Susan that she seems normal; then she confides that baby Julie does indeed look like a "genius." Susan smiles hugely and picks up baby Julie, squealing about how happy they're all going to be here on Wisteria Lane. The camera freezes on the sweet image of the tidy yellow Mayer home...

...and then we segue pointedly to the charred remains of the very same house. Welcome back to the now, everybody! Susan walks a blindfolded (teenaged) Julie up Wisteria Lane. Julie says she hopes that Susan isn't going to walk her "into a wall," and I think she's joking, although based on Susan's lifelong inability to remain vertical, it's actually a valid concern. Susan reassures Julie that the blindfold is just there to enhance the impact of the surprise. Then she whips off Julie's blinder to, "tada," reveal their new used trailer home! Susan, who is out of her mind with excitement over the RV, starts gushing about how much fun life in the trailer home is going to be: it'll let them live on-site while their house gets rebuilt, plus Bree's coming back from her "spa vacation" soon, so they'll really be needing the space. Julie (re: her new life living in a trailer): "Why are you doing this to me? I get good grades, I don't do drugs, I've never come home pregnant..." Susan pleads with Julie that she really needs her support: the RV is all part of Susan's new, independent lifestyle. In fact, Susan's going to finance the whole rebuild based on the proceeds from the "six book proposals" she has "in the works." I can only imagine the titles: It Isn't Cheating If You're Secretly Remarried, Feel the Burn: An Illustrated Guide to Rebuilding Your Home After Your Not-So-Ex-Husband's Ex-Girlfriend Torches Your House, A Good Man Is Hard to Find (But Really Easy to Lose, It Turns Out), Where Did That Come From? What To Do When Your Daughter Is Way, Way Smarter Than You Are, Liar, Liar: A True Story about The Messes I've Made, What I Wouldn't Do (and Two or Three Things I Would) for Just One Single M&M? Burnt Toast: And Other Philosophies of Life? So I guess all of last week's scrambling to get hold of the insurance money wasn't really necessary after all, phew. Susan, pathetically, to Julie: "I want you to be proud of me." Julie, looking sad (because what teen doesn't love the idea of living in a tiny, tiny space with her accident-prone mother), finally agrees at least to look around inside the trailer. Susan is so happy: "But you should know, your bed doubles as the dining-room table, and the toilet's in the shower." Julie sighs and slumps. ["Why? So efficient!" -- Wing Chun]

Gabby, dressed for golf (and with her hair semi-insanely pulled up in high, high pigtails and a pink visor), comes downstairs carrying a striped men's golf shirt that perfectly matches the one she's wearing. Get it? They're his and hers outfits for their golf lesson tomorrow! Carlos, staring forlornly out the window: "Yeah, about that -- I can't go. I gotta pick up trash on the freeway." It's part of his "community service" re: being an ex-con. Gabby is disappointed. She guesses she'll, sigh, just cancel their appointment. Suddenly, Carlos is all worked up: she has to take the lesson! It's already paid for! "I'd love to be there with you," he vents, "if I didn't have to scrape slushes and condoms off Route 57. Look, what's the big deal? Just go take the stupid lesson!" Gabby gets huffy, and Carlos apologizes, explaining that he's "a little on edge today." But then Carlos is violently distracted by the view outside the window: gardener Ralph is out there getting an eyeful of maid Money's money-maker. Gabby is confused. So Ralph has a "little crush" on Money; what's the biggie? Carlos is enraged. Is it not possible for him to, for once, get a gardener who isn't hoping to sleep with someone in the Solis household? Gabby: "You pay him six bucks an hour. It's all about the perks, honey." That's right. Remember how Ralph got to see Gabby's naked boobies, and the other gardener lost his finger? Those are some good perks.

Susan's hosing down the RV when frantic Tom walks up and asks her if she knows where Lynette is. She tells him she doesn't, but he isn't buying it. But, try as Tom may, Susan isn't spilling the beans about Lynette's hidden hideaway. Tom, who sounds like he's on the edge of tears, asks Susan at least to tell Lynette to call him. Susan is moved. The second Tom gets out of range, she calls Lynette and advises her that maybe it's time for her to give Tom a call. Lynette mournfully tells Susan that she "just can't." On of the Ps comes up to Lynette, and Lynette hastily gets off the phone with Susan. P wonders when Daddy's going to join them, because he wants to show Tom his new dive. (Apparently, Lynette is staying at a hotel -- one with a pool.) Lynette tells P that Daddy's not coming, but she's more than happy to admire his dive. P slinks away, dejected.

Down at the county jail, an orange-outfitted CreePaul is on the glass-separated phone with Zana. CreePaul insists that Zana get some money from Noah so that CreePaul can hire a fancy lawyer. Zana objects that Noah totally "creeps [him] out," but CreePaul keeps pushing. Zana doesn't think Noah will go for it, what with the old man hating CreePaul so thoroughly, so CreePaul just tells Zana to lie and say he needs the money to pay for a fancy new car. This from the man who once so strenuously objected to having Zana fraternize with the evil bio-granddad? I would have thought CreePaul would have sold the house before he sent his son to someone like Noah. Zana wonders why CreePaul even needs the money: "I thought only guilty men needed expensive lawyers." Really? Huh. CreePaul refers to the strength of Felicia's finger trap; then he worries that the police might start digging into Mrs. Huber's murder, too --maybe even do a DNA comparison. Zana is all, "Hold up, you told me you had nothing to do with Mrs. Huber's head getting bashed in with a blender." CreePaul, catching himself, lies unconvincingly that he's totally innocent of that crime, too. Zana is doubtful. CreePaul commands Zana to do as he says. Zana, bitterly: "You're not my real father." Even though Zana oh-so-recently described CreePaul as his true dad, "the only man [he'll] ever care about." CreePaul starts ranting about how ungrateful Zana is, considering that CreePaul rescued the lad from a "miserable junkie," and gave Zana "a life worth living": "If you won't do it for me, at least do it for your mother. After all, she killed herself trying to protect you." Huh? I thought she killed herself out of guilt? In any case, Zana's response to CreePaul's misguided tirade is to just hang up the phone. I'm confused. The last time I checked, these two were actually on friendly terms. Then this scene comes along, and it's like Season 2 never, ever happened. Magic! The magic of herky-jerky character development.

By Evany

Flashback: Twelve Years Ago. Bree -- wearing pearls, a lime Izod, and a pink cashmere cardigan, her hair soft and loose with a slender, pretty headband -- takes a deep breath and marches up to MA's front door. Dead MAVO: "There are certain people who, when you meet them, can't help but [sic] make a delightful first impression." Bree hands MA a lawn frog and demands to know whether it belongs to Mary Alice. MAVO: "Bree was not one of [those people]." Bree confesses with persnickety exactitude that her little Andrew stole the frog from the Youngs' yard. MA very nicely waves off the offense, offering to let Andrew keep the thing if he's so attached to it. Bree is incensed: "Don't tell him that! If he doesn't feel guilty, he'll never learn shame." And suddenly Andrew's utter awfulness makes just a little more sense. Susan walks up from inside the house. She's carrying a glass of wine, and her hair? In the two years that have passed since that first flashback, it's been transformed into this hellish, pubic mass that's not at all unlike Richard Simmons's frizzy 'do. I understand that they're trying to give each of these flashbacks a sense of "eras past," but I don't think that look was ever in style. Also, Mary Alice looks totally fine, so why make Susan suffer? But, okay, for the sake of getting this scene over with, let's just say that spazzy Susan had a mishap down at the salon and move on. In fact, I hereby institute a "Let's Just Say" feature (hereafter "LJS") -- just a few suggested supposings to help sugar-coat unbelievable events to help things go down a little easier. MA introduces Susan to Bree, and explains that Bree's son "accidentally" took her garden frog. Bree, bitchily: "Please don't make excuses for him. That is exactly what his father does. REEEEX!" Yikes. Rex and little Andrew frog-march up to the door. Rex greets Susan and MA, and then very likably explains, "We're not weird, we just seem like we are." Everyone (including me) but Bree laughs. Intent on keeping things right on topic, Bree pushes Andrew toward MA and introduces him as "The Criminal." MA smiles at him sympathetically, and Andrew delivers an obviously rehearsed apology that ends with "just so you know, my mom did teach me right from wrong, so my actions should in no way influence your opinion of her as a parent." As he says this, Bree mouths the words right along with him. Wow, the kid they got to play little Andrew is awesome. He really looks and talks just like Shawn Pyfrom. Also of interest: Brenda Strong is about eighty million feet tall.

Susan is spraying down the RV with ant poison when Mike arrives carrying two to-go containers of coffee. He harks back to the offer Susan made last week to have Mike over for coffee, and the happiness this scant nod to continuity prompts in me speaks volumes about (a) the smallness of my own life, or (b) the lack of consistency that this show usually demonstrates, or (c) all of the above.

Cut to Susan and Mike, sitting in lawn chairs and sipping on their feather-light cups of coffee. (Why is it that the prop people are happy to fill up the prop wine glasses with wine-like fluids, but they always leave the cardboard coffee cups empty? I know it's not all that important because you can't actually see inside, but the subtle lack of heft of an empty cup is definitely noticeable. You know, if you're sporadically compulsive like me.) Susan is flirting at Mike that she must look like a total "wreck," what with Mike catching her mid-ant slaughter. But Mike hastens to clarify that he actually thinks she looks "sexy." Susan laughs off his compliment dismissively. Mike: "No, the way you're taking charge, it's impressive." Susan: "It's just ants. And they're tiny. Of course, they do outnumber me." But Mike insists that he really likes the new Make-It-Happen Susan. "Even if it does mean," Mike fishes, "you aren't in the market for a relationship." Susan is confused. Well, she may not have actually said so outright, but she implied it. Susan giggles that whatever she said, she blames on the "frequent exposure to ant poison." Things are getting nice and cozy when Karl walks up. I'm momentarily surprised that he had the guts to show his face within in a three-mile radius of the wrathful Edie. But LJS: the reason Edie isn't anywhere to be found in this long, long, too long really, episode is that she's still nursing her stings down at the hospital. Karl, it seems, is there to lodge a complaint with Susan for forcing their daughter to "live in a house with wheels." Mike gets up to leave, and Karl jocularly thanks him for making room for important Family talk. Mike agreeably agrees; then he bends down and marks Susan with a head-to-toe spray of his urine. No wait: I mean, "he kisses her." Right, he KISSES her. Am I the only one who thinks Mike and Susan have the fizzless chemistry of two siblings? Seriously, their lack of spark goes beyond "dead battery" territory and wanders into the uncomfortable, hard-to-look-at-straight-on realm of incest. And not the titillating, Flowers in the Attic kind.

Gabby's in the middle of her golf lesson (she's wearing a pink striped polo, a pink elastic ponytail holder, and matching pink lipstick, plus she's carrying a white wicker purse with pink leather straps), and you can tell she's a little "teed off" with her instructor. They're at the bar in the club. Gabby gives him a stiff courtesy smile while he unloads some tired witticism about the key of the game being to "drive for show, putt for dough." He heads outside, and they agree to meet up later for the rest of her lesson. Gabby, to the bartender: "Make me something strong, I have nine more holes with that guy." Just then, a news report comes on the television above the bar: a member of the Route 57 road crew ("a Hispanic male in his early forties who for years was a prominent businessman in the area") has been killed in a traffic accident. As a look of dawning horror creeps across Gabby's face, her cell phone rings ominously.

Later, Gabby sits in front of her house, crying. Money comes trotting out, hastily and suspiciously fixing her hair as she runs. Gabby tearfully tells her that "Carlos is dead." Money, pleading: "No, please don't kill him!" Huh? Gabby, misinterpreting Money's confusion as a language-barrier problem, carefully explains that there's been an accident and Carlos has been killed. Money, confused: "No...he in kitchen." Gabby takes off running into the house. Indeed, Carlos is alive and reading the paper. He is also very, very sweaty. Gabby coos at him and hugs him tight; then she croaks out a long explanation about how the police called and told her someone matching Carlos's description got killed by a bus when the man went to rescue a lawn chair (?) someone had dropped on the freeway. Finally, she realizes that he's not even supposed to be home, and he explains that he paid Ralph the gardener to go in his place. It dawns on Gabby that this means Ralph is dead. Gabby and Carlos are momentarily sad over the loss of poor Ralph, until Gabby notices Carlos's sweatiness. Carlos fibs that he was "working out on the treadmill." Gabby: "Barefoot?" Strike One! Carlos feigns exasperation and tsks her that Ralph is dead and yet she's worried about his feet or whatever? God! He turns to leave, and he runs into Money, who's walking in with the laundry. They exchange highly uncomfortable "sorry"s and avert their eyes. Gabby looks after them, the wheels of suspicion clearly start to grind into action. Strike Two!

Down at the funny farm, Bree (looking tired, as we've come to expect, yet still fetching in a nice periwinkle scoop-necked, long-sleeved chunk cotton tee) is in with brain-man Doctor Barr (played by Richard Thornburg, a.k.a. the annoying reporter in the Die Hard movies whom John MacClane's wife keeps having to clock in the face). Bree is quietly digging straight, straight lines into the desktop sand garden. Apparently this -- the raking -- has been her sole contribution to their last three sessions together. The doctor, trying to be friendly, notes that the only thing he really knows about her so far is that she rakes in "remarkably straight lines." Bree rather defensively asks if that's what he's been trying to do with all his pesky personal questions -- figure out what makes her tick? Which makes me wonder, if this process is such a puzzle to Bree, what oh what was she talking to Dr. Goldfine about all that time? Speaking of which, why didn't Bree take her looming breakdown to Dr. Goldfine? You know, the man who knows her brain best? That seems like a much wiser course of action than committing herself to an unknown mental facility. But there's no accounting for crazy people. LJS that Dr. Goldfine's no longer available, because his near-death experience (when George dropped him off an OVERPASS) nudged him into early retirement.

Anyway, Dr. Barr asks what it was that Bree was hoping would come of her stay here in the booby hatch, and Bree sulks that she was hoping for a huge pile of meds. But Dr. Barr doesn't think Bree needs pills. Holding up her file, he says, "It says here [that] your husband died, you had a boyfriend who killed himself, and you suffer from alcoholism." Well, when you put it that way! Bree smiles at him defiantly, but says nothing. He asks about her kids, and she lies that "Andrew is backpacking through Europe" while "Danielle is away at cheerleading camp." Dr. Barr, sensing there's more to the story than just backpacking and cheerleading, probes deeper. What is the nature of Bree's relationship with her kids? Do they communicate? Are they close? Bree sits there, looking stung; then she demands again that he gives her some "serious drugs." Poor Bree. Dr. Barr refuses on the drug front, but he does volunteer to make it easier for Bree to concentrate on her "problems" by confiscating all her personal items. Bree is enraged. She reminds him that she "committed [herself] voluntarily," and he says something ominous about how when Bree "signed those papers, [he] became responsible for [Bree's] well-being." Bree trots out her brag that she's not at all like Dr. Barr's "other patients." Dr. Barr, not even looking up from the paperwork on his desk: "Oh, sure you are. You just don't know it yet." Hm, maybe "Dr. Barr" isn't exactly the very best person for a recovering alcoholic to be seeing?

Down at the police station, two plainclothes cops enter the holding cell where Betty's sitting and tell her that Caleb has confessed to Melanie's murder. Betty points out that Caleb has "the mind of a child...he'd confess to sinking the Titanic." They hand her the letter she sent back when the news reported that a man had been arrested in the Foster case; they think she wrote it. But Betty isn't admitting to anything. , they hand her a crime-scene photo of Melanie's body, and tell her that they've recovered some DNA from the jacket the murderer used to cover the body. They ask her if she, by any chance, recognizes the jacket, and her head starts to bob convulsively. Yes, she's seen the jacket, but it's not Caleb's, it's Matthew's!

Cut to Matthew, in some motel room, standing and staring down at Danielle, who's fast asleep on the bed.

Cut (back) to the night of Melanie Foster's murder. Melanie is lying unconscious on the ground when Matthew arrives. I guess he was hoping for a sweet "goodbye" session down at the lumberyard after all! Melanie coughs, and a rivulet of blood runs down her cheek. She isn't in the best shape, but she is alive. ALIVE! Melanie tells Matthew all about what Caleb did, and Matthew gently tells her that Caleb has "never been violent," and clearly didn't mean to hurt her. Matthew offers to take her home, and they slowly start to walk like they're going to leave, but then Melanie makes a fatal mistake: "This has been pretty traumatic for me. I think you should come over for the few days so we can talk it out." Matthew reminds Melanie that they broke up. Well, maybe Melanie doesn't want to go home; maybe she wants to go to the police instead, maybe tell them what Caleb did to her? Oh, Melanie. She and Matthew scuffle, she threatens to send Caleb to "jail for the ten years," and then she slaps him. Wow, Melanie has some balls. Some stupid, stupid balls. Melanie turns to leave, and Matthew pauses as his rage swells. Then he picks up a board and beats Melanie's brains in, screaming "YOU LEAVE! MY FAMILY! ALONE!" Whoops. And while it's true that he was provoked (Melanie = awful), I can't help thinking that the Applewrong boys were very poorly wired, considering that they were both so capable of being provoked to the point of beating a small girl with a big stick. Is it something Daddy did? Betty? Or are they both just lemons? In any case, Melanie is dead. Matthew kind of comes to his senses and gives a guilty survey of the dark lumberyard; then he takes off his jacket and drapes it over her. Huh? I guess covering the body is a common human instinct, and yet...has Matthew never seen C.S.I.? Really? Because leaving a coat behind at the scene of a crime, it's like he's begging to get arrested. I wonder how Chicago ever had any other suspects, what with Matthew's relationship with the victim, plus Matthew's coat found at the murder scene, plus Matthew and his entire family leaving town the night of the murder. Also, wasn't Melanie supposed to have been killed with an axe? La, la, la, la, la!

Back in the now, Danielle is still asleep, and Matthew's still watching her, but this time, the "Looming Serial Killer" violins strum at a fevered pitch!

Flashback: Eight Years Ago. Wisteria Lane's greeting committee -- Bree (wearing a short white tennis skirt and pale peach tennis sweater, carrying her ubiquitous basket of muffins), Susan (hair back to normal, a basket of flowers in her hand), and giantess Mary Alice (carrying a bottle of wine) -- walk up to the Scavo house to find the newly-moved-in Tom and Lynette in the middle of a screamer of a fight. Dead MAVO tells us that the ladies instantly knew that Lynette was going to their friend, if only because they could see (via this demonstration of her fierce battling capabilities) that she would make an unpleasant enemy. Good call! The ladies nervously offer to come back later, but Lynette is thrilled by the timing of their arrival; she needs impartial judges to weigh in on her fight with Tom. Lynette, with true Lynette-brand craziness, lays it out for them: what if, say, your husband begged you to have a baby, and you agreed, even though it meant risking your career, and then, when you went in for the ultrasound, a twin heartbeat was detected: "And then, and only then, does your husband tell you that twins run in his family!...Do I not deserve to punish this man severely?" And yet, isn't it true that any twins-making capabilities are passed down on the mother's side, from lady ancestors who also have a knack for laying eggs in multiples? Susan: "Well, actually I think that twins are genetically determined by the mother." Exactly! Wow, Susan and I just had a mind meld. That's not a good sign, is it? Lynette, to Susan: "What are you, a scientist?" Ha! Susan, shrinking: "I write children's books." Bree sputters something about coming back at a better time, but then Tom begs them to stay. He hugs Lynette and says some soothing words about how maybe they should try not to "freak out" the new neighbors, and slowly Lynette thaws. Bashfully, she tells the ladies, "I'm sorry that you saw my panic attack. I won't let it happen again, especially since this is my last pregnancy." Double-ha. Tom: "Right, you're the boss, I'm just your love slave." Ladies, collectively: "Awww." "Don't encourage him," Lynette smiles. Tom: "Honey, clearly are new neighbors can sense that you have been gifted with a phenomenal husband."

Cut to Lynette, in the now, still sitting by the hotel pool and still very sad. She's staring off into space, the final two words from the flashback, "phenomenal husband," clearly ringing in her head with bitter irony. She calls the many kids over to her side; she has an announcement to make. As gently as possible, she tells them that, starting tomorrow, they will all be living at "Grandma's." Everybody, that is, except Tom, who won't be living with them anymore. But he will be coming by and visiting them all the time, and they're still going to be a "family." With barely contained sad, she concludes, "So, are there any questions you want to ask me?" Twin P1, thrilled: "Can we go swimming now?" Her kids' lack of concern or even interest throws Lynette for a second, and she just sits there kind of staring at them for a few beats; then she nods a tiny yes, and the three boy Ps go screaming off into the pool, mute Penny staying behind to eat what looks like a leaf of lettuce. You know, I'm kind of worried about Penny. She just doesn't seem to be developing at the normal rate. She's far too short, and way too quiet, and she hardly ever smiles. She just sits there, eating lettuce? It's like she's some kind of dwarf panda thing. Are they making her sleep in a box at night to stunt her growth and depress her spirit? If so, then maybe it's time for a bigger box. Just a suggestion! Meanwhile, the three P boys are all huge, and, disturbingly enough, the hugeness is the same for all three Ps (same general size and height), despite the fact that the twins are supposed to be older. Perhaps a switch to organic milk is in order?

By Evany

Flashback: Three Years Ago. This is the day Gabby moved to town. By now, the Wizard Of Oz gang has snowballed up to four: Lynette, Bree (with muffins), Susan, and Mary Alice. The four ladies march up to Gabby's house. Dead MAVO tells us how excited they all were to "get a glimpse of a successful New York model." The door is open, so they wander inside. Gabby, wearing a matching red lace bra-and-panty set, stumbles out from behind a box. With a rather vague sense of modesty, Gabby manages to locate one of Carlos's shirts and puts it on, but she doesn't button it up or anything. She smilingly offers to shake their hands, but Lynette (who is, what, cracking sunflower seeds with her teeth? snapping gum?) wryly offers to come back at a better time. Gabby laughs and says something about how she was just changing out of her sweaty clothes: "I didn't realize that moving was such great cardio." The ladies all laugh. Then Carlos, wearing nothing but a buttondown shirt and a beard, comes walking out, saying something about how he and Gabby "haven't done it in the kitchen yet." Wait a second -- if he's wearing a shirt, then where did the shirt Gabby's wearing now come from? Or is the whole house just littered with his shirts, what with all the it-doing? Gabby: "Honey, uh, I think it's time to unpack the pants." Ha! Carlos greets the Ladies with a huge, self-satisfied smile, and then heads back to the kitchen. MA: "Let me guess, newlyweds?" Gabby laughs a yes and says it's only been four months. "He's insatiable."

Insatiable...Insatiable......ble...ble...ble...Flash-forward to Gabby, standing in her closet and pensively observing Carlos, who's already fast asleep in bed. She nuzzles up to him, and he flinches awake. She tells him she's "trying to have sex with [him]," and he mutters something about it being late. Gabby is scandalized. Carlos never ever wants to forego sex: "You wanted to have sex with me an hour after your hernia operation!" Carlos rather lamely says something about how he's too distraught over the loss of Ralph to be in the mood. He settles in like he's going to go back to sleep, and Gabby puts her head on his chest and sits there, thinking for a minute. Then she tells Carlos how Money "said the strangest thing today." Carlos's eyes open in fear. Can Carlos think of any reason why Money would plead with Gabby not to kill Carlos? Carlos: "The poor kid. Awwww, we really need to get her some English lessons." Strike Three!

Early the morning, Julie and Susan are asleep in their trailer when chipper, chipper Karl starts the engine and drives them off. He's got a surprise to show them! They pull up in front of a house, and Karl proudly tells them that it now belongs to Susan and Julie. There's three bedrooms, a "gourmet kitchen," a studio out back for Susan. There is even a pool! Julie gives a small peep of delight and goes running inside to check out the new digs. As soon as Julie's out of sight, Susan asks Karl, "What's the catch?" He claims that there are no strings attached; this house is just "payback" for all the years of "heartache" he's given Susan. Susan makes some sounds about how she can't accept the gift, that she needs to get her life together all on her own, but then Julie comes running out and shouts that there's not only a pool, there's a Jacuzzi too, yay! Karl, holding up the keys to the house: "At least no one can drive off with it while you're sleeping." Hm. How did Karl, who didn't have enough money to pay for Susan's splenectomy, pay for this new house? I can't imagine that vindictive Edie gave him back his share of the money for the ski condo. You know, I wonder if maybe Karl is in the throes of a manic episode right now? What with all the smiling and the early rising and the huge, huge outpouring of money? Or maybe he "bought" the house with, like, a ten-dollar down payment, leaving Susan's with a $5k monthly mortgage? In short, it seems way too good to be true, but since Susan's optimism never seems to wane, even after feeling the sting of endless "too good to be true" scenarios, I'm guessing she's going to feel the burn soon enough. Oh, Sigh-san!

Down at the nuthatch, Bree is in her room, checking her messages on her cell phone. (Hey, I thought Dr. Barr was going to take away all of her belongings.) There's a message from Betty, warning her that Matthew's the real murderer and Danielle's in danger. Bree immediately swings into super mama-bear mode, packing her bags and heading for the door. But Dr. Barr is waiting for her, along with two muscular orderlies. Bree wiggles and bucks against the orderlies, and then screams something frantic about how her "daughter is in danger!" Dr. Barr: "Something happened at cheerleading camp?" Ha! Bree breathily admits that the whole cheerleading camp thing was a "fib," and that Danielle actually ran away from home with a "boy, and the boy is a murderer." Dr. Barr, with calm disbelief: "A murderer?" Bree senses that the good doctor perhaps doesn't believe this new story, and frankly, she does come off as completely crazy in this scene, though perhaps Dr. Barr is a tad too in love with his power here? Barr warmly invites her to come into his office for a chat, and she slaps his hand away. "I don't have time for therapy you QUACK!" Wow, she is on edge in this scene. She turns and tries to make another break for it, but the orderlies hold her back. With the hoarse cry of the truly crazy, Bree screams that they can't do this to her, she admitted herself to the hospital voluntarily! (There was a great deal of back-and-forth about this in the boards, but the general consensus seems to be that, while policies probably differ from state to state, when it comes to padded lodgings, checking in is a whole lot easier than checking out -- at the very least, it takes a few days of evaluation and paperwork.) A nurse arrives with a big, huge, terrifying sleepy-time needle. And nighty-night Bree.

Zana, post grandfather-icide, is skipping rocks down at the family pond. A...lawyer? butler?...arrives to inform Zana that Noah is dead and all of this fine estate now belongs to Zana. Zana's phone rings; it's CreePaul, wondering if Noah came through with the money. Zana tells him that Noah refused to hand over the money. CreePaul, exasperated, commands Zana to go back and make Noah change his mind. Zana, rather cocky and power-drunk, says he's pretty sure that Noah won't be willing to alter his opinion on the matter. CreePaul, defeated, asks when he's going to see Zana . Zana says he can't make it down to the jail tomorrow, nor week either: "I'll call you when I know." Click. Zana hands his phone to the but-yer and instructs him to get Zana a new phone and number. Also, he wants the family lake filled in. Why? I have no idea. (LJS that ever since discovering that his birth mother was buried under the Young pool all these years, Zana's now phobic of water? Stretch!) And why has Zana, who very recently was so genuinely concerned about his father's safety, now so abruptly rotted into a black coal of meanness? I really have no idea. All I know is: don't touch it, it's evil!

Mike's busy hosing down his Nissan 5.6 SE King Cab Titan truck with 14 MPG city/18 MPG highway, 32 valve engine, front seatbelt height adjusters, electronic brake force distribution, and radio antenna, when he notices that Julie and Susan are loading up Karl's 'Stang with boxes. He heads over to find out what's what. Susan sheepishly reveals that they're busy moving. Karl jack-in-the-boxes out of the RV, and yells with ferocious glee, "HEY! IT'S THE PLUMBER! You come over to help Suzy move into her new house?" Total manic episode! Mike is confused. Susan is embarrassed. Karl is insane: "You mean she didn't tell you? Oh, I bought a place for my girls." Mike is disappointed. So much for Susan's plans to "go it alone"; those lasted, what, a week? Susan hastens to explain that Karl won't actually be living with them, plus Mike was only offering a single room, while this is a whole house! (Yeah, Susan comes off as unnecessarily mercenary in this scene.) Mike gets in Karl's face and hisses that the only reason Karl bought the house is because he saw Mike buy the ring, and Karl "just had to cut [Mike] off." I'm actually kind of impressed by how easily Mike read this situation. Susan, predictably, goes all goo-goo over Mike's utterance of the word "ring," meanwhile Karl starts shoving Mike with one of Susan's moving boxes. Susan: "Mike, about that ring..." Mike tells Susan, "Not now," and then tells Karl to put down the box. Karl obliges by tipping all the box's contents (pots and ice cube trays, mostly) on top of Mike's head. They tussle on the grass for a few second, ridiculous Susan slapping at them with a spatula, what? Then Karl throws a little metal thing (which later is revealed to be a "salad shooter," which I actually had to look up: for the benefit any other kitchen-ignorants out there, it's a device that automatically slices up, like, cucumbers and radishes and pelts them into a salad bowl) at Mike's mouth, and Mike retorts with a mighty punch to Karl's face, and Julie and Susan fly to Karl's side. Mike pats at his tin-damaged mouth and watches forlornly as Susan and Julie flutter over Karl. Susan gives Mike an exasperated look, and he slowly sways his way back into his house like a groundhog depressed by six more weeks of winter. Mike may have been provoked, but I'm not sure that a fistfight with the bio-dad right in front of the daughter is the very best way to make a good impression? And by the defeated look on Mike's face, I think he knows it. Then again, it isn't exactly the first time Mike's flown off the handle and belted a guy in front of Susan's house. It isn't even the second time.

By Evany

In town, Karl is picking up a newspaper when he notices Mike going into a jewelry store. Meddler Karl? Follows Mike inside. Mike sees Karl, rolls his eyes, and sighs. Undaunted, Karl cheerfully asks Mike what he's shopping for, and Mike lies that he's busy picking something up for his grandmother. But then the jeweler returns with an engagement ring, which he hard-sells as the perfect ring to "sweep her right off her feet." Karl, his head bobbing and jerking like a delighted little bird's: "Lucky grandma!" He laughs hugely and calls Mike an "old dog." Mike tries to deny that the ring is for Susan, but Karl tells him that, as far as he's concerned, Susan is "old news." After a razzle-dazzle "Mazel tov!," Karl turns to leave, and Mike calls after him, asking him to mum the word; he wants it to be a surprise for Susan. Karl: "Oh, trust me, brother, she'll be surprised, and not just by how small that rock is." Karl is so endearingly outside of time, with his "old dog"s and his "brother"s. It's sad that things couldn't work out with Edie, who's so endearingly...bitchy? slutty? vengeful? Anyway, they would have made quite a team.

Zana goes to visit Noah and, despite the cold-shoulder treatment he gave CreePaul earlier, he asks for money. He tells Noah (who by the way is not looking good; I know I've said it before, but this time he really, really looks like he's circling the drain) that he needs the money to pay for an "expensive car." A good lawyer can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, so I'm not sure the price of a car is going to cut it, but okay. Noah, who's the master of subterfuge himself, immediately recognizes that Zana is trying to play him. Noah knows all about CreePaul's plight (it's in all the papers), and he rightly guesses that the money Zana wants is for some "fancy lawyer" to get CreePaul some "rich man's justice," whatever that is. Unfortunately, Noah hasn't quite gotten over the fact that CreePaul chopped up his daughter Deirdre and put her in a box, so he's not really in a lending mood: "I don't write checks to monsters." Zana starts to blubber and brat ("You said all of this was going to be mine, so when do I get it?!"), which totally disgusts the mighty Noah. In fact, Noah threatens, maybe Zana is too weak to take over Noah's empire after all. Noah tells Zana to leave, and Zana turns to go. But instead of leaving, he closes and locks the doors. And the "A Killer Is Born" music swells! Zana walks back to Noah's breathing machine and puts his hand on the "off" button. Noah starts to shit-talk, asking Zana if he thinks he's "a tuff guy" for finally bumping off the old grand-zombie-death-log-thing. Zana's resolve wavers, and Noah watches as his grandson's hand pulls away from the breathing machine. So, in a deliberate act of suicidal manipulation, Noah chides Zana for not having the kind of "balls" it takes to rule an empire and kill a grandfather. And Zana, proving how weak he really is, totally gives in to the peer pressure and turns off Noah's machine. Noah smiles a proud smile and then dies gasping. Welcome to the dark side, Darth Zana!

Cut to the hospital. An exceedingly worried-looking Tom sweats into the waiting room, and all the Ps go crazy yelling "DADDY!" He sweeps them up into his arms one by one and gives them huge, huge hugs, awww -- marital problems sure do suck on their own, but they're a million times sadder when kids are involved. You know what else I know? War is hell. Also: chocolate is good. And babies are soft. After the hug-fest subsides, Tom turns his attention to Lynette, who looks like she's just been defeated by life. Lynette robotically informs Tom that the P-twin is fine; he just has a broken arm. Tom tells the remaining boy Ps to watch over Penny (great idea!), and he and Lynette retreat to a sub-waiting room to discuss their marriage. Tom whisper-tells Lynette (there are other people in the waiting room) that he didn't cheat on her: "I never have, and I never will." And yet Lynette knows what she saw! But get this: that woman? The one Lynette saw in the fancy house in Atlantic City? Her name is Nora, and Tom had a one-night fling with her way back before he ever met Lynette. Apparently, Nora got pregnant, and for some reason, she waited twelve years to tell Tom that he's the father. But that's it. Tom is not having an affair. Repeat: he is not having an affair. Lynette is so relieved and happy that she screams a scary primal scream and shoves Tom into a row of seats and he cracks his head on the linoleum.

After Lynette has calmed down just a tad, and Tom has an ice pack for his head, Tom, in soothing, "don't scare the animal" tones, explains that the only reason he didn't tell Lynette before now was that he was waiting for the results of the paternity test. But it's true, he has another daughter (name: Kayla). Lynette, in tears (weak-eyed Evany? Also in tears): "You have no idea how much you scared me. I had already let you go." Tom is totally upset and sorry, and Lynette is so obviously shaken, it's a very nice scene -- Doug and Felicity are awesome, et cetera -- and yet still I wonder: if Tom only recently discovered this long-lost daughter, what, then is the secret he alluded to back in Season 1?

Flashback: Five Years Ago. Bree and Rex are down at the pharmacy. Danielle, it appears, has dyed her hair pink, and Bree is buying a box of honey-wheat blonde dye to remedy the situation (because as everybody knows, pink hair is a "gateway" to coke-whore-ery, donkey sex, and voting Democrat). Rex rather prophetically tries to get Bree to stop "riding [their kids] so hard." Bree, with fierce self-righteousness, delivers a whole prim speech about what's right and what's wrong, and how she's so sure that if she sticks it out, she'll be rewarded. She turns, and there's George, ringing up their order! She asks him if he agrees with her (about all that right and wrong stuff). George: "My mother always took a firm hand with me, and I thank her for it." Ha! Bree: "Exactly! And look how well you turned out!" Oh, ha. What a perfect little scene: We get to see how Bree's tight-assed-ness soured her relationship with both her kids and Rex, we get to see George forging his first little bond with Bree, and we also get a little insight into why George is so crazy (it's his mother), nice. Best of all, even though Bree is clearly so awful in this scene, I can't help feeling sorry for her: all that strain and all that prim propriety, and her kids still turned out horrible. Irony loves opportunity! The scene ends with Rex pulling Bree a little off to the side, and telling her, "Look, you're a good mother, but there's a limit. You have got to relinquish a little control, or you're going to regret it."

Cut to Bree, lying in bed in the mental ward, and struggling and struggling against her restraints. Nice segue! A janitor comes in to mop, and Bree tries to feed him some line about how she's only tethered due to a little prob she has with sleepwalking. She's supposed to be set free at 7 AM, and seeing as it's 8 already, maybe he would be so kind as to undo her restraints? For a second, her sweet talk seems to be working, but then he leans on his mop and, reasonably, says, "Lady, I can't let you out of your restraints. I'd get fired." Bree keeps pushing it, flirtily asking what his name is, blah blah blah, and maybe he could just "loosen" her cuffs, you know, just to make her "more comfortable." The janitor leans down, and for a second it looks like her dumb ploying is actually going to work. But then he says, "Do you think I'm stupid?...Two seconds after I loosen these little restraints, you'll try and scratch my eyes out and make a run for it. Well, I'm not falling for it, you psycho little bitch. In fact I hope they keep you tied up for the month, because I get a reeeeeal kick out of watching a prissy little whackjob lying in your [sic] own filth." Wow, that janitor sure is mean. And yet, it's nice to have the tired old "flirty mental patient" gambit smacked down so thoroughly.

(Whose idea was it to stage this grueling marathon? Dear ABC, why are you trying to hurt me?)

Susan stops by Mike's house to see if he's okay (i.e. to ask again what he meant by "the ring"). Turns out that salad shooter really did a number on Mike's mouth: he chipped a tooth, and now he's all hopped up on pain pills. (Drugs which he obtained from where, exactly? Ex-cons aren't really supposed to be dabbling in prescription pills sans prescription. LJS: crooked George lined Mike up with a supply of pain pills back when he was still alive?) Susan digs MacOrson's card out of her purse; then she jumps right in with ring talk. She grossly asks Mike if there's "anything in particular" he wants to ask her? Zzzzzzz-plonk goes the baited hook into the water. But it turns out that, no, Mike actually doesn't have anything to ask of Susan -- not with her all wrapped around Karl's finger. Susan thinks that's ridiculous! Oh, Susan knows that Karl is "playing" her, but the house is "going to be a great place for [Julie] to live." Plus, when Karl "makes his move," he's going to discover that he's the one who got played! It's nice to see that Susan's heading in to this with eyes somewhat open, and yet...this plan can't end well, right?

By Evany

Out in the car, Gabby tunes in her baby receiver. First, she catches a snippet of Lynette talking to Penny. Then she drives a few feet further and catches what at first sounds like incriminating dialogue: "Xiao Mei, that is amazing!" But it turns out that Carlos is just talking about Money's Mu Shu pork. The way they're talking -- "Sorry for making such a mess," Carlos says at one point -- it almost sounds as though they're aware that Gabby's listening? But it isn't totally clear whether or not that's true.

Susan and Julie are in the trailer, watching Mike's porch, where apparently Susan has left him a card that she made, an invitation to have him over for a romantic dinner, at which she plans to propose to him. Mike comes out and opens the card. "You're invited to a romantic dinner," it says on the front. Inside, there's a hand-drawn map -- "La Map," it reads -- and then the card itself reads, "Bring some champagne and your heart [drawing of a heart] and meet me at 8:30 at Lover's Point on Torch Lake." Awww, corny! And also romantic! (Or as romantic as a dinner at the lake where CreePaul dumped Deidre's body and Edie sprinkled Mrs. Huber's ashes can be). Mike smiles and looks over at Susan's trailer, where he sees her staring out at him expectantly. He smiles and gives her little half-salute with the card. Susan smiles back.

Flashback: Lynette and Tom are at the hospital, and she's just finished delivering her girl baby. She and Tom argue about what to name the baby. Lynette wants (and clearly gets) "Penny," and she insists that she gets her way due to the "eight hours of grueling labor" she just suffered. Tom doesn't think it's fair. Lynette: "Neither are stretch marks, but what are you gonna do?" Tom: "I've only known one Penny in my whole life, and she was a slut." Lynette: "Isn't your aunt named Penny?" Tom: "Yeah, that's her." Ha. Tom tells Lynette that he'll concede this round, but that he gets to "name the one." Lynette is angered by the words "one." She grabs his arm and yanks him down to her on the bed; then she squeezes and squeezes his arm until he promises that they can stop having kids now -- four is enough. He finally gives in, but he doesn't quite get it; doesn't Lynette like their herd of kids? She tries to explain how sometimes when he's at work and she's surrounded by children, it isn't all that fun: "Each one is a blessing, yes, but I don't think I can take any more...blessings." Tom nods; then he touches his arm where she squeezed him: "Honey, that really hurt." Lynette lasers him with dead eyes, and asks him, "Did it hurt for eight hours?"

Back in the now, Lynette and Tom are sitting out in front of their house, waiting for the cab that's going to deliver ex-fling Nora and eleven-year-old daughter Kayla for a visit. Yet when the cab arrives, only Nora emerges. She runs straight up to Tom and gives him a huge, long hug. Nora (played by Kiersten Warren, the woman who played the flighty gal who got vaporized by aliens at that rooftop party at the beginning of Independence Day) is young and pretty. She's got her hair in two pigtails and she's wearing a cute sundress (no bra) and also a gold bird-shaped necklace that I want to steal and steal and then steal again. Tom, keenly aware of Lynette's icy stare, desperately tries to pry Nora off him and find out where his daughter is. Turns out Nora had a fight with Kayla right before they were supposed to leave, so she "dumped" the daughter off at the neighbor's house and came on her own. Sounds like a woman after Lynette's own heart! These two are going to get a long like a house on fire. (Which is lots and lots of fun, just ask Susan)!

Down at the diner, Lynette, Nora, and Tom are sitting through an uncomfortable lunch. Nora is gushing about how smart and awesome and skilled Kayla is. She goes to show Lynette and Tom a picture, and Tom makes a pointed comment about how they wouldn't need to see the photo if Nora had been so kind as to bring her daughter along, like she said she would. Nora, all fired up: "Oh gosh, I'm sorry, it's just I haven't had much time to get away on my own since I've been taking care of your kid for the last eleven years, Superdad." I have to admit that I found this scene super-annoying the first time through, but now it's striking me as kind of funny? Tom scrambles to calm Nora down, and he rattles off maybe six "sorry"s. Nora instantly forgives him (she is crazy), and then switches into money talk. By Tom and Lynette's reaction, you can tell that they had no idea that there were any financial matters in need of discussion. Au contraire! Nora, it turns out, wants Tom to pay all eleven years of back-child support. Even though he didn't know this child was ever born? That seems totally crazy, and utterly unfair but...LJS that Nora has the law on her side with this one. Nora hands over some papers, and Lynette immediately starts to freak over the sum of money Nora's asking for: "That'd bankrupt us!" Lynette cites the four kids they have to support, plus the fact that Tom just lost his job. Nora, super-loud and piercing so that the whole café can hear: "I'm the bad guy now? When he's the one that knocked me up and abandoned his child?" And yet, based on Nora's super-nice house in Atlantic City, I wouldn't really say that she's in any need of money? Lynette keeps trying to argue that it isn't really abandonment if a person wasn't even aware of the child being abandoned, but Nora is like, "You better do right by me -- unless, of course, you want to be known as Mrs. Deadbeat Dad!" The entire café is silent. But Lynette doesn't even bat an eye; she just matches Nora's volume and starts yell-screaming that she's not going to let one stupid and probably drunken night that Tom spent with Nora ruin Lynette's entire life. Wow, these two ladies are kind of well-matched. It's like Mothra versus Godzilla or something.

By Evany

Gabby and Susan are hanging out at Lynette's house. Yay, I love it when the ladies lounge together. Susan is telling them how she has the whole proposal all planned out, right down to the Elvis Costello CD. Gabby, ever practical, asks who has the ring. Susan chirps that Mike has it. Gabby: "So wait, you're going to get down on one knee, pop the question, and while you're down there, dig in his pocket?" Lynette: "What if you pull out his key chain?" Susan: "Then I find a way to force it on my finger." Ha. (And yet...how hard can it be to get a key ring onto your finger?) Suddenly Penny's baby monitor comes on, and Carlos can be heard saying something like, "Oh Xiao Mei, where'd you learn to kiss like that?" Lynette goes to turn it off, saying that the baby monitor is "always picking up weird frequencies," but Gabby stops her, saying she wants to hear. The three woman stand there, listening. After a few seconds, it's clear that Money and Carlos are sexing it up in a car somewhere, and an embarrassed Lynette shuts it off.

Cut to Gabby wind-sprinting up Wisteria Lane. She stops for just a second to kick off her super-cute red, pointy pumps. Barefoot, she runs up to the Solis garage (where her affair with John the Gardener began), and looks through the side-door window. Inside, she sees Money (in nothing but a bra) and Carlos, making out in the car. Gabby pulls away from the window and collapses against the garage.

Later, Money sneaks quietly back into the house, pausing momentarily to zip up the side of her maid's uniform. She gasps when she notices Gabby sitting there on the stairs. Gabby is calm, cool, and looking fine in a fiery red top and her towering red and white suede pumps. (I guess Gabby went back for her shoes. Smart girl.) Gabby asks if Money is "done" with Carlos, and Money nods shyly. Gabby, locking the front door: "Good, I have a little project for you."

Cut to Gabby and Money (the latter looking like a cringe-y whipped dog), on the deck upstairs. Together, they're throwing Carlos clothes out onto the lawn. Carlos, below, is shouting at Gabby that she was the one who told him to have sex with someone else. She clarifies that she told him to have "meaningless sex," not to "sleep with the woman who's carrying [their] child." Carlos, ever practical, doesn't really see the difference; he thinks they're "even" now." Gabby argues that she had a "reason" to sleep around (Carlos was never home), but she, on the other hand, has been totally available to Carlos. Why, she even agreed to have a kid with him, which I think we can all remember really wasn't her thing. Carlos agrees that she has a every right to be grumpy. He tells her he'll go check into a hotel and they'll talk it over later. Gabby: "Forget the hotel, Carlos. Get a lease." Burn! Gabby turns to go back inside, and Money stays out on the deck, smiling coquettishly at Carlos. Carlos sighs, and Gabby yanks Money back inside. Money asks Gabby if she can leave now, too. Oh no; Money belongs to Gabby for the nine months. Money hisses something very mean-sounding at Gabby in Chinese (looks like the little innocent act is beginning to crack!), and Gabby bullies that while she doesn't know what Money just said to her, she knows that she doesn't "like the tone." Gabby reminds Money which one of them is the boss (it's Gabby), and if Money forgets that little fact, Gabby is going to make this the "worst nine months of [Money's] life." Pow.

By Evany

Down at the office of the Dentist (of Doom), MacOrson surveys Mike's x-rays and asks if maybe Mike did time in prison? According to MacOrson, "jailhouse dentistry" is "unmistakable and not pretty." Mike readily confesses that he did "a little time in Kansas." Mike wonders if MacOrson ever did any dentist work in prison. MacOrson picks up a terrifyingly huge needle, and the way the camera holds on it, lovingly, makes me think that it's somehow going to play a big part in some scene yet to come. But unless that scene is in Season 3, you can just forget about it. MacOrson: "During dental school, we did freebie work on some of the poor guinea pigs behind bars, no offense." Which reminds Mike: when they met in the movie theater, he thought he might recognize MacOrson from somewhere. MacOrson very casually pulls his paper mask up over his mouth and nose, and denies ever meeting Mike. Mike can't help himself; he starts prodding and poking into MacOrson's past. Is it possible that they met when Mike was incarcerated in Kansas? MacOrson says that the "only prison work [he] did was in Virginia." Mike pointedly looks at MacOrson's diploma, which is oh-so-conveniently posted right there in the examination room, and it reveals MacOrson as a graduate of a dental school in Minnesota. Like an idiot, Mike points out the discrepancy, and MacOrson coolly (sinisterly?) replies that he's "licensed in three states"). Then MacOrson pulls out the huge needle and says, "Don't talk. I don't want to hurt you." And the "Mark These Words" music swells.

Flashback: Two Years Ago. Gabby is wearing an awesome deep teal dress. It's silk and very form-fitting, it's got flirty little open cap sleeves, and it's short with a flounce hem. Also, the neckline plunges fantastically to reveal a hot pink bra with lace trim. Well done, costumers, well done. Gabby is on the phone and she is mad. Carlos is once again not coming home tonight! He hangs up on her mid-harangue. Gabby is furious! Just then, cute John the Gardener mows by, and sex-shaped light bulbs flash on all around Gabby's head. She follows him into the garage. John: "Mrs. Solis, how are you?" Gabby, clickering the garage door shut: "The best you've ever had." Rowr!

Cut to Gabby and John the Gardener, in their underwear, lying on a pile of...couch cushions? Manure? Hm. John the Gardener is stoked to have finally lost his virginity. Now, quite a few people on the boards are totally upset by John's underaged-ness, and at the risk of inviting a world of hurt onto my head, I'm going to go on record as saying that I'm actually not that bothered by it. He seems so pleased to have just had sex with an older, more experienced lady, and doing so has probably done him (and the woman he has sex with) some huge favors (skills-wise); he just seems so happy and not-at-all traumatized. Sure, if he were a girl instead of a guy, and Gabby were some pervy older man, this would be a much less savory scene. But...well, he is who he is, and she is who she is, and given the particular parameters of this precise situation, I'm not that grossed out by it. Also half the people I grew up with had already lost their virginities by the time they were John's age, so clearly I'm jaded. And a slut. Anyway! Gabby and John exchange some funny lines about how he fared, what with being a virgin and all ("I guess it was a little weird when you started naming the American presidents in order"), and he very sincerely thanks her for the opportunity, which he very much enjoyed. Gabby: "Good, because this can never happen again." She explains how this one-time-only (ha) event transpired solely because she was angry with Carlos: "Now, thanks to you, I'm not angry anymore." John does some huffing about how Gabby totally should be mad, what with Carlos never at home. Why, John bets that Carlos is probably off having an affair of his own. Gabby laughs, "Carlos doesn't have an adulterous bone in his body." All it takes is one, though! Gabby rather sadly explains that sex is sacred to Carlos because it's his one way of expressing his love, versus, say, "talking, listening," or "spending time" with Gabby. John nicely leans over and kisses her, and she's all, "Well, since this is our only time together, might as well make the most of it." And they fall back onto the manure cushions.

From the car of menace, we cut to Danielle and Matthew, who are just now pulling up in front of the Van de Kamp home. Inside, Danielle tries to open the safe, but apparently not-so-crazy Bree changed the combination before she left for her turn at the "spa." Matthew tells Danielle to wait there; then he jogs over to the Applewrong house to get a sledgehammer. As he's leaving, he notices Betty's purse sitting out on the table, so he stops and rifles through it. Betty, from the darkness: "You did it. You killed Melanie." Matthew is all, "You weren't there, you don't know what went down!" They have a little spat about how Betty doesn't love Matthew like she loves Caleb, and thus she would have never protected murderer Matthew like she did Caleb, et cetera. Matthew says something about maybe just maybe he'll be able to find a way in his heart to forgive Betty someday, somehow. Then he grabs the sledgehammer and huffs off. Betty calmly calls 911.

Back at the safe house, Matthew's "lock pick" is working like a charm. He and Danielle blow the door off the safe; then, together, they gather up the stacks and stacks of cash (why all the green? Is Bree like a survivalist, ready at all times to take to the hills?), and then scamper off downstairs. But, uh oh, look who's walking up the street! Why, it's Bree! She didn't get a cab or call one of the Ladies? Bree walks in and finds Matthew and Danielle ransacking the food cupboards. Bree tries to get Danielle to come into the other room for a little private conference, but Danielle snots at Bree to "give it up." So Bree runs to the phone, saying that she's going to call the police. Before she gets there, Matthew (who clearly realizes that Bree knows all about how he's a murderer) yanks the phone out of the wall. So Bree just spills it: with eyes trained on Matthew, she tells Danielle how Matthew is actually the one who killed Melanie Foster. Danielle, brat to the end, deems Bree's info the "lamest thing [she's] ever heard." Danielle turn to leave, but Bree heads them off. Danielle, clearly a little shaken now, orders Bree to move away from the door, but Bree refuses.

So Matthew whips out a gun and points it right at Bree's head. Danielle: "Where did he get that?!" Good question! LJS that he ransacked Bree's bedside table when Danielle wasn't looking. Or maybe he got it when he was back at his house. Anyway, Matthew yells at Bree to "MOVE AWAY," but again Bree refuses. Calmly, Bree instructs Danielle to leave the house. Danielle goes to pull Matthew away, but he shoves her back with perhaps just a wee bit too much force. Danielle is totally scared now. Bree tells her daughter one more time to leave the house; then, slowly, Bree starts walking toward Matthew. He's starting to panic too, yelling, "What's wrong with you?" Bree: "If [getting shot is] what it takes for my daughter to see who you really are, then fine." Whoa. So Danielle's screaming and Matthew's all freaked out, and Bree is as cold as ice, totally willing to sacrifice her life. Bree (who it now occurs to me may very well be suicidal) whispers, "Do it," and slowly Matthew's finger inches back on the trigger and the chamber starts to inch its way around. Just then, they hear a teensy tinkle of broken glass, and they turn to see that one of the front windows now has a small bullet hole in it. Matthew stands there, looking slightly puzzled for a moment; then he collapses to the floor, dead. Bree pulls a stricken Danielle away from the window, and we see dark scary forms moving around right outside, their red laser sightings beaming all around the yard. Wow, Fairview's Special Weapons And Tactics team assembled with alarming speed. Though maybe (LJS!), due to all the crazy crime this neighborhood has been experiencing as of late, they set up a special command post just around the corner in preparation for just such an occasion?

Mike stops on his way to meet Susan to buy a bouquet of roses.

Cut to Susan, sipping wine and gazing at her naked ring finger.

Cut to Mike, gazing at the engagement ring. He steps out into the crosswalk, and that red car? It pulls out, speeds up, and drives right into our favorite plumber. Mike flies into the air, rolls over the top of the car, and then lands on the ground with a thud. What? Who? Huh? The car stops at the curb and the driver looks back to make sure Mike isn't moving. Why it's MacOrson, the scary, scary dentist. His movements are extra-robotic in this scene -- he looks like an alien who's still trying to learn how to operate the human body -- and the awkward way he holds his body makes him seem even scarier. Wow, I guess Mike should have kept his trap shut, though I guess that's not really possible with a dentist...? Aww, poor Susan. Also, in college, I once tried to start a band called "Angry Dentist," but I don't sing, and I don't exactly play any instruments, so it was slow going. But never say never!

Later, up at the scene of Susan's big proposal, all the candles have burned down low and Susan has wrapped herself up in a blanket. She's leaving a message on Mike's answering machine: "Hey, it's me. Again. When you got the invitation, I thought that you gave me the thumbs up, but I guess if that was...some other type of finger gesture [ha!]. Well, I apologize for leaving you all these messages and...wasting your time." The RV battery (generator?) finally dies, and all of Susan's twinkly lights fade to black. Sad!

Back at Wisteria Lane, the whole neighborhood has gathered to watch Matthew's body get carted away. Betty looks particularly devastated and confused and regretful. (We'll miss you, Alfre!)

And...here comes the MAVO wrap-up! And thank you, baby jesus...this marathon of typing has somehow pinched a nerve in my right elbow, and the only way to relieve it is to shake my fist in the air and yell, "Damn you, ABC," which I'm now doing every twenty seconds or so. Plus my eyes are red and crossed, my ears ache and my nose has a huge red dent from my heavy "Adrienne Balboa" glasses (I sat on my good pair last week), and I'm pretty sure I haven't brushed my teeth at all today. I am sexy!

So, MAVO: "This is the street where I used to live, and these were the people with whom I shared my life." We see flashback Susan unloading the last box from her moving van. There is a terrible, terrible arty frog thing poking out the top of the box (and that's the second frog statuette of this episode, what a weird leitmotif). MAVO: "I met them the day they moved in, and I saw what they brought with them." We see Bree moving in, then Lynette. MAVO: "Beautiful dreams for the future." Gabby and Carlos, on moving day, kiss out in front of their new house. MAVO, continued: "And quiet hopes for a better life." Susan hands Karl her frog box, and they exchange warm, love-strong smiles. MAVO: "Not just for themselves." Lynette watches Tom unload a crib-thing into the house, and she smiles and touches her flat belly which as we know hides twin fetuses. MAVO, continued: "But for their children, too." Rex comes up behind Bree (still on moving day) and they hug each other and look moonily into each other's faces. Dude! Sweet! MAVO: "If I could, would I tell them what lies ahead? Would I warn them of the sorrow and betrayal that lie in store?" Carlos sweeps Gabby up into his arms (they're still out on their new front lawn) and kisses her hugely as the moving guys all look on and smile. MAVO: "No. From where I stand now, I see enough of the road to understand how it must be traveled."

By Evany

Okay, almost three-quarters of the way through the episode! Home stretch! (ABC: if I tell you where I buried the gold, will you stop the pain?)

Susan and Karl sit down on some charred chairs outside Susan's scorched house. Susan, doing a credible impression of a grown woman, tells Karl that she knows why he bought her the house, and she isn't going to get back together with him -- not now, not ever. She calmly delivers the blow that she plans on marrying Mike, and she presents him with divorce papers. For a second, it looks like manic Karl is going to laugh the whole thing off, but then his jokey-jokey starts to crack. He asks her whether Mike "popped the question," and she proudly tells him that he hasn't, but that she plans to do the honors herself tomorrow night. Karl looks at her (and maybe I'm reading more into Richard Burgi's expression here than there really is, but), he looks both proud and surprised, like maybe the Susan he knew back when they were married would have never been capable of such a self-assured and independent move as a Sadie Hawkins proposal: "This is a lot to ask for a man who still loves you, Susie." Aw. Susan very nicely pats him on the back and tells him she understands, and yet if he loves her, he needs to set her free. He takes a deep breath and signs the divorce papers, "joking" that "if it doesn't work out, [she knows] where to find [him]."

By Evany

Lynette and Tom are at home, and they've got eight million money-type papers spread out on the bed. They're trying to squeeze a Nora payoff out of their vastly depleted savings without having to dip in to the kids' college fund. Lynette guesses they need about $30k up front to get Nora to sign away her claim on back child support payments; otherwise, if Nora takes them to court and she wins, Tom and Lynette could lose the whole house. Tom is bummed. In fact, he's on the verge of a tantrum: he keeps saying how very "screwed" they are. Lynette is frustrated and sad, but she's still hanging in there: "I know we're using up a huge chunk of our savings, but if it keeps that crazy woman out of our lives, it's the best money we've ever spent." Well said.

Bree, after a night in restraints and a day of janitorial abuse, is apparently primed and ready for a session with Dr. Not-So-Good Barr. Bree readily agrees that her story about her daughter running off with a murderer was indeed a doozy. Barr grills her about what's really going on, and she admits that the reason she hasn't been talking about her kids is probably because she's "ashamed" about how much she's failed as a parent. Barr asks her what she would say if her kids were standing right there in the room with them. Bree, with scary intensity, tells him that she'd ask Andrew for "forgiveness," and she'd tell Danielle that she has "a plan to protect her." Right on cue, Barr swings at her juicy, juicy pitch: "And just what is that plan?" he asks. Bree answers by throwing the relaxing desk sand garden right into his face; then she takes off. Bree walks slowly, deliberately down the hall until the alarm sounds. She steps behind a pillar and waits. MacOrson is there, reading to his quiet "friend," and he locks eyes with Bree. She nods a warning plea for him to stay quiet, and he nods his agreement with her plan. Two guards run in from outside, and Bree catches the door before it closes. With one last intense look back at MacOrson (he nods approvingly at her), she's off, off like a pair of too-tight shoes.

By Evany

Nora arrives at the Scavo front door, looking contrite. She wants to talk about the check Lynette and Tom sent her. She brushes past Lynette and into the house. Lynette turns and yells, a hint of panic in her voice, "Toooom?!"

Sitting at the table, Nora and the Scavos talk terms. Nora starts by explaining that she isn't someone who keeps "things bottled up inside." This news isn't exactly surprising to Lynette. Nora eyes Lynette and tells her that she made Nora feel "really bad yesterday at the restaurant." Lynette, not very sincerely, offers her "sincerest apologies." Nora also doesn't appreciate the way Lynette implied that Nora was just there to "extort money" out of the Scavos; Nora only wants is what's best for "Tom's child." Well, Lynette, the "mother of eighty percent of Tom's children," (ha) doesn't think that going bankrupt is exactly great for her kids, either. Nora agrees, and somehow in doing so, she manages to make Lynette look like she's the crazy one. Nora throws a crumpled piece of paper at Lynette; it's the waiver they sent over with the check. She signed it. ("See, Lynette? See? It's not all about money.") Oh and by the way? She used the $30k check as a down payment for a house in Fairview. That doesn't sound like much of a down payment -- by California standards, at least. ["Not in Toronto, either; I wish we'd gotten our house that freaking cheap." -- Wing Chun] But maybe houses are cheaper in Fairview? Nora gushes about how awesome it's going to be with her living in the neighborhood. Why, Nora can "drop Kayla off" whenever she wants to, the siblings can get to know each other...it'll be great. Lynette looks like she's going to hurl. Trying to be reasonable, she asks how it is that Nora thinks she's going to pay her mortgage, seeing as she doesn't even have a job out here. Nora explodes: "What is your problem with me, lady?" Lynette doesn't even know Nora, and yet she's all just "ticka-ticka-ticka" (making a pecking motion with her hand, and following up the "ticka"s with what can only be described as a "angry kitty" sound, which she acts out by pulling her hands up into paws. So awesome!).

By Evany

Mike stops on his way to meet Susan to buy a bouquet of roses.

Cut to Susan, sipping wine and gazing at her naked ring finger.

By Evany

Back at Wisteria Lane, the whole neighborhood has gathered to watch Matthew's body get carted away. Betty looks particularly devastated and confused and regretful. (We'll miss you, Alfre!)

By Evany

In the now, Caleb and Betty walk away from their house, into a waiting moving van. MAVO: "The trick is to keep moving forward -- to let go of the fear and the regret that slow us down and keep us from enjoying the journey that will be over too soon. Yes, there will be...unexpected bends in the road, shocking surprises we didn't see coming. But that's really the point, dontcha think?" As Betty's moving van drives up the street, we see MacOrson getting out of his car with a fat bouquet of roses in his hand. He walks up the walk to the, uh oh, Van de Kamp house, and meets Bree coming out. She looks pretty; her hair's down and she's wearing a kelly green sweater with a nice, deep V-neck. She smiles hugely at the sight of MacOrson's unexpected appearance. Uh oh! MacOrson tells her that he's just stopping by, seeing how she's doing after the "great escape." Bree, bashful: "How sweet! And unexpected." And then she invites him in! And he actually goes inside!

And...SCENE. And...Evany collapses in a puddle of tears of carpal pain and finish-line relief. It sure was nice seeing Gardener John, Rex, Mary Alice, and even George again, but really, the whole two-hour extravaganza seemed a little draggy to me. Seriously, I feel like I've been forced to chew a stale piece of gum for an hour too long. And I'm not just saying so because I had to recap it -- honest!

And so to the two people still reading this soul-crushingly long, 15,655-word recap, I say: see you in September! (Four months: that should give the three of us just enough time to recover from this epic finale and its even more Herculean recap, holy wow.) Okay, I've got to lie down now. Good night, Mr. Walter!

Desperate Housewives TV Show - Remember - Desperate Housewives Photos &amp; Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews &amp; Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP

Desperate Housewives TV Show - Remember - Desperate Housewives Photos & Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews & Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP