Pregnancy rumors have been swirling around Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria Parker, thanks to a bit of apparent weight gain. However, she assures us that she is not in the family way, and has merely packed on a few extra pounds as a result of indulging in a bit of pasta while off the set during the recently ended writers strike.
While Longoria Parker is still unlikely to appear on Celebrity Fit Club any time soon, we at Television Without Pity can relate to her need to fill the time. The recent dip in the volume of scripted programming needing to be recapped has allowed some of us to work on items that fall a little farther down our own to-do lists like watching TV while not holding a laptop; playing a videogame or two; and, in some cases, becoming acquainted with other people who live in our homes.
So with that in mind, let's speculate for a moment on what some of Longoria Parker's castmates may have been up to during their downtime.
Teri Hatcher (Susan)
Finally get that postage meter so she can more easily send her leftovers to Eva's house.
Call Howie to see if the Radio Shack gig is still open.
Felicity Huffman (Lynette)
Continue working on that "growing back from chemo" hairstyle in anticipation of when Lynette finally removes the headscarf. It's not right until it scares kids at the park.
Try to get out of promise to "catch up on Bill's work when there's time" upon realizing that includes sitting through several dozen William H. Macy-narrated Curious George cartoons.
Marcia Cross (Bree)
Learn to tell the twins apart.
Get wig cleaned.
Kyle McLachlan (Orson)
Continue working on that long letter to David Lynch; excise the "why won't you cast me anymore" and "what have I done wrong" chapters in favor of expanding "abject apology" chapter.
James Denton (Mike)
Keep trying to purge history of work he did while being credited as "Jamie Denton."
Finally clear out that "stoppage" of his own, if you know what we mean.
Ricardo Antonio Chavira (Carlos)
Brainstorm ideas for kissing subplots in which he gets to cross the remaining two main female cast members off his list.
Doug Savant (Tom)
Try to figure out what's been happening to all the invitations to appear on the show that he keeps sending to other fellow Melrose Place alums (read: Heather Locklear).
Kathryn Joosten (Mrs. McCluskey)
Get back into the wallpapering business. Ask Dave Eggers to write a testimonial.
See if Barack Obama needs an executive assistant.
Dana Delany (Katherine)
Look up Marg Helgenberger. See what she's up to these days.
Find out once and for all if Pasadena has actually officially been canceled or what.
Nathan Fillion (Adam)
See above.
Nicolette Sheridan (Edie)
Join fiancé Michael Bolton at the karaoke bar once or twice.
Brenda Strong (Mary Alice)
Apply for a job as the narrator on Gossip Girl. The one they have now isn't nearly smug enough.
Tuc Watkins and Kevin Rahm (Bob and Lee)
Look for a desperate screenwriter to help them pitch a script they're working on in which they play roles originated by Scott Bakula and Sam Robards: American Beauty II: The Gays' Revenge.
Steven Culp (Rex)
Gloat.
All but Eva
Make up excuses not to see Over Her Dead Body.
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