Susan points out that Jackson isn't actually sleeping in the same house as MJ, because MJ was at a sleepover last night. In fact, Jackson and MJ haven't even met, so the checking up and hanging out is really not necessary. Mike completely ignores her and says he'll pick Jackson up tomorrow night. She said he can't decide these things by himself. He reminds her now nice he was about their custody agreement, but that he can haul her back to court if he's not satisfied about who she exposes MJ to. I'm not sure I love the choice of the word "expose" when talking about your child, but then I also don't really like Mike at all in this scene. I can't tell if it's because he's actually being a jerk or if I'm just defensive because I heart Jackson/Brian/Gale so very much. He closes with a snotty, "Got it?" And, yeah, I'm pretty sure Mike's just being a jerk.
Susan walks back in and Jackson says he's sorry. That's not how he wanted to meet Mike. She said he can tell Mike that tomorrow when Mike picks him up. She responds to his confusion with, "I'll explain over breakfast." That is TV language for, "The viewers already know what's happening, so that explanation will take place after our scenes are over, so that they don't have to sit through it twice." Thank you for that, Susan. She asks Jackson if he got the paper. He didn't, so he goes back to get it and -- remember his bad timing? -- comes face to face with MJ, who says, "Who are you?" Like father, like son.
Credits, followed immediately by Susan jogging. I'll assume she and Jackson already had breakfast. Mary Alice tells us that if there's one thing people in suburbia appreciate, it's a good neighbor. Susan illustrates this point by stopping to help Lynette unload groceries. Tom further illustrates it by bring Carlos his misdelivered mail. A redheaded kid (we later learn it's Parker Scavo) offers to mow Bree's lawn. And Dave screws in an outdoor bulb for Katherine. Mary Alice says Dave knows this good-neighbor platitude better than anyone, and was determined to be the best neighbor Wisteria Lane had ever seen. Not that it would take much, really.
But Edie's ruining things for Dave by packing their bags. He wonders what's up, and she said Mrs. McCluskey insulted her again and she can't take it anymore. She won't tell him what Mrs. McCluskey said, because it doesn't matter. He said adults don't pack up and move because of good-natured teasing. She spills that Mrs. McCluskey said her breasts are a feat of German engineering, and Edie doesn't see that as "good-natured." I actually don't think it's that bad-natured, considering. Edie says it's been five years and she's changed, but no one on the street cares. They still see her as a joke.
Dave gets creepy/motivational, and apologizes for her bad day. Edie agrees with me, and tells him she hates his motivational voice. He wants her to relax and take a shower. She doesn't get why they have to live here of all places, and he said they can be happy here. And he'll see to it that people start treating her with more respect. She points out he didn't answer her question. All he says is, "Didn't I?" And then he walks away. Edie, dear, that is one of many signs that this guy is bat-shit. Get. Out. Now!
Gaby's checking her mail. She's excited to find out they got invited to a party, which means she'll have to buy something nice. She storms in the front door to tell Carlos, and gasps when she sees him massaging a naked old man. Unfortunately, Gaby got a terrible view, and calls Carlos to the kitchen. He says he knows she doesn't like him working downstairs, but the guy couldn't get upstairs with his bum hip (and he's missing a testicle, points out Gaby, for no reason whatsoever other than for the show to be dirty). Gaby doesn't know how much more she can take. He says he'll set up the table in the garage. She said that's only part of the problem, and that they need more money. He said he doesn't want the country club job, but she's pretty forceful about it. She misses her life and shopping. He finally relents and says he'll take the job. Then Gaby walks in on the old guy again. Will she never learn?
Jackson's trying to choose clothes to wear for his date with Mike. Or, more accurately, Susan's choosing them. Jackson doesn't think Mike will care what he wears, but Susan says he needs something that makes him look responsible. She then tells him what is acceptable to talk about with Mike, even going so far as to tell him he cannot be a soccer fan (which he is), but instead must pretend to like American football. Specifically, the Colts. She points out other manly things he can talk about: cars, barbecue, fishing. Jackson wonders if he can also talk about fire with Mike. It's a Neanderthal joke that sort of falls flat, so I'm too embarrassed to even type it up in full. Susan asks him to take this seriously. He is, but he won't pretend to be something he's not. What's the big deal if Mike doesn't like him? Susan points out Mike could take her to court and force her to choose between Jackson and MJ, and Jackson will lose. Jackson: "Peyton Manning is the greatest quarterback who ever lived." I give him points just for knowing Manning's the Colts quarterback. Susan's impressed, too, but tells him to go shave.
Lynette walks in to Porter's room and asks him if he knows what happened to Jimmy Conrado. Apparently, he got busted for dealing drugs, but Porter's like, "Who cares?" Lynette thinks Porter would care, since they're friends, and were on the same Little League team. Porter points out Little League was, "like a million years ago." Lynette leaves, but goes directly into Parker's room to find out if Porter's friends with Jimmy. Parker says he can check his Silverfizz, which is apparently this show's version of Facebook. Lynette wants Parker to tell her how to talk to Porter on Silverfizz. I'm thinking she might be planning to spy on her son. Never a good idea.
Bree. Finally we get Bree. She's showing her cookbook mockup to Andrew and Orson. It looks like an old-fashioned '40s cookbook, which I think only would sell these days as a joke. And I'm pretty sure that's not how Bree means it. Andrew loves it, though. He thinks her font is terrific. Orson is less thrilled. He doesn't like seeing her billed as Mrs. Van de Kamp. She said she formed the catering company while they were separated, so that name is how she's known. He understands she's known that way locally, but he thinks she might want to rebrand as Mrs. Hodge now that she's going national. Bree points out what we've all been thinking for years: Van de Kamp is a beautiful, musical name, and Hodge sounds like a plunger. She said at home she'll always be Mrs. Hodge, and she'll cook him his favorite pot roast. Andrew points out she has a meeting with her publicist, so she promises the pot roast tomorrow night.
Dave's staring at Mrs. McCluskey's pretty grey cat. Then Mrs. McCluskey comes in. He says she shouldn't have said what she did to Edie. She said that's what they do: They tease each other. He says it hurt Edie so much she suggested moving and he'd like her to apologize to Edie. Mrs. McCluskey, unintimidated, says no; if Edie wants to change the way the relationship works, she can tell her that herself, and he has a lot of gall coming in here like this when he doesn't even know her. He's like, "I do know you. Better than you think." Then he points out all of the things she doesn't want to hear about herself: She talks to her cat like a person, invited him in immediately because she's lonely, used to have people in her life but doesn't anymore, and people don't come around anymore. He closes by saying he knows her, and he'd think she'd like to keep the few friends she has left. She tells him to leave, and after he does, she sits with her cat and looks sad. Awww, poor Mrs. McCluskey. (Did I really just say that?)
Susan's pacing in her kitchen when Mike drops Jackson off. She can hear Jackson telling Mike the Colts suck, and Mike telling him what really sucks is watching a 0-0 game with no cheerleading, "Soccer Boy!" Jackson waves him off and walks inside. Susan greets him with, "You guys were insulting each other? That's good, right?" He says it is, and that they had a blast. They're even planning a second date: Potato skins at O'Brien's on Wednesday night. She says he's made Mike's inner circle, and is so happy. She thanks him by heading to the bedroom. He starts kissing her and nibbles on her ear. She says he's never done that before, and then stops him, wondering why he's doing that now. She can't believe he's stumbled onto her secret turn-on the same night he and Mike became BFF's. He thinks she's focusing on the wrong thing, and that the right thing would be that she likes it. She is having none of it. She feels violated and tells him not to touch her or her ears.
Jackson said the ear thing just slipped out when he and Mike were talking about how all girls like different things. Jackson was telling Mike about this girl in high school who liked to do it with her shoes on, and Mike talked about the "lobe nibble." Susan, annoyed that Mike has a name for it, says Jackson and Mike are not hanging out anymore. She forbids "Wednesday Potato Skins and Susan Sex Tips Night." Then she storms out. But she comes back to say, "Did Mike mention he likes having his toes sucked? Whoops! That just slipped out." I get how it feels a little weird, but at the same time, Susan, why don't you just enjoy the fact that Jackson's learning all the things that you like without you having to tell him. If Mike's not weirded out giving tips to your new man, why should you be?
Bree shows up at Gaby's. She was sent by Michelle Downing to tell Gaby she can't come to her party (which Bree's catering). Bree says it's because Carlos works at the club, and most of the other guests are members, and they might find it awkward socializing with "staff." Gaby's horrified to be called staff. Bree says it's just one party, and that she'll save her some cake. Gaby's worried that being kicked off this party will be their "slow slide from gowns and galas to flip-flops and keggers." Gaby says Carlos will quit so he's no longer staff, but Bree says he's already "rubbed too many members." Only Bree Van de Kamp (not Hodge) could say that without even realizing what she's said. Gaby's heartbroken that they've gone from having help to being the help.
Tom asks what Lynette's doing on the computer. Turns out she's talking to Porter on Silverfizz. She's posing as "SaraJ," a 16-year-old who likes graphic novels. Tom's horrified that she's doing this, but she says the ends justify the means since one of his classmates was arrested for dealing drugs. Tom said they'll address her major ethical breach momentarily, but first he needs to know what she's found out. She says he really doesn't hang out with Jimmy, but she's worried about "Anita47," who told Porter than cherry fruit pops are an aphrodisiac. I'm a little worried that he's telling SaraJ this, because he doesn't know SaraJ is HIS MOM, and he'd probably only tell someone this if he were trying to hit on her. So many times "ew." Tom says it's time for her to stop now that she knows about Jimmy.
She knows Tom's right, but she has found out that Porter writes poetry, and is amazed. She wants to know more. Tom accurately tells her she should wait until he shares it with her, instead of her alter ego. She says she will, and that he's right. But don't believe her for a second, because she starts typing a message to Porter as soon as Tom's out of the room.
Porter and SaraJ are IMing about which poet is better: Whitman or Dickinson. I would like to weigh in with this poem on the side of Dickinson. Porter's having none of it; he says Dickinson is for spinsters. She asks if his girlfriend likes Whitman, too. He replies that he doesn't have a girlfriend, but there's a girl who he likes. Lynette thinks this is sweet. I am squicked out, because I can see what's coming from a mile away. But Lynette tells him to send this girl a poem.
Porter looks thoughtful, but Preston interrupts him to point out that poetry girl hasn't put up a photo yet, so she probably looks like she came out of an egg. Or, maybe somewhat like your mother. Which is even worse.
Mrs. McCluskey's cat is missing. Dave asks what's up, and she explains he's missing. He monotones, "Oh no. How did he get out?" She says a living room window was open, which is bizarre because she doesn't remember opening it. She asks if he'll help find Toby. He wonders if she's given any more thought about apologizing to Edie. She says she's been busy. He said he's about to help her and he hopes she'll help him with Edie. She guesses that's fair. Except that he let your cat out, so I'm thinking it's not fair.
Susan's listening to a message on her machine from Jackson. He's not going to be able to make dinner tonight, because his college roommate is in town and it's the only night they can get together. She wonders if his name is Mike Delfino, and if they roomed together at Liars College. He keeps talking, saying he wants to come over later. She thinks he'll drop by with potato skins on his lips, because he's a two-timing liar. MJ is standing there, wondering what's wrong. She says the answering machine lied to her. Way to confuse your child, Susan.
And, just as everyone in the world other than Lynette knew would happen, Porter sends SaraJ a poem as beautiful as she is. And it's the Yeats poem that Lynette's own boyfriend sent her, The Lover Tells Of The Rose In His Heart. Lynette says, "Oh, crap on things," right as Tom walks in. He replies, "Crap on what things?" What I love about that question is that it totally misses the point. The point is the "Crap!" and the response should be, "What's wrong?" But Tom, in all of his awesome naivete, wants to know what things Lynette's "Crap!" is on. She tells him that Porter sent her "a sex poem." Tom's disgusted (as we all are). She says Porter might be in love with her. Tom wants to know why. She tells him that she didn't stop talking to Porter online, and instead told him she liked his poetry. Tom tells her that liking a teenage boy's poetry is as good as flashing a boob. Which, the visual, because she's HIS MOTHER? Ick. Ick. Ick. Tom wants to know if she'll tell Porter now or after he kills Tom and blinds himself. I am loving how literary the Scavos are this week. She says she'll break up over e-mail, and he says that will kill him. Then he writes her letter for her: "Porter, I like you, but I want to see other offspring."
Gaby's getting Carlos ready for the party. He's surprised they're still on the list now that he works at the club. She takes Carlos in through the kitchen and pretends they're not in the kitchen. Bree sees her, and tells her to keep her out of it.
Susan walks into O'Brien's and asks Mike where Jackson is. Mike says he's not there, but she doesn't believe it. She wants to know whose drink is to him, then. He's like, "I don't know. Some guy's." Susan starts shoving stuff into the beer when a stranger walks up and asks what she's doing to his beer. Mike says he's not her husband anymore, so he doesn't have to protect her. Susan apologizes and gives the bartender money to replace the angry man's drink. Susan turns back to Mike, who says Jackson canceled on him, and he teased him for being whipped. Man, I am so not regretting Susan's decision to not be with Mike (even though it seems that it was Mike's decision; it should have been Susan's). Susan feels like a jackass. Mike doesn't know why she doesn't want them hanging out. She says the ear thing was weird. He regrets saying that, and asks if they can please hang out. It would be good for MJ to see everyone's friendly. Susan's not comfortable with them getting close. She doesn't want Jackson to see her through Mike's eyes. He asks how exactly she thinks he sees her. She talks about the last few months, how bad things got. He says they're both not those people anymore, but if she could see herself through his eyes, she'd know she has nothing to worry about. Awww. Okay, Mike, I love you again. She gives the bartender more money to buy Mike's drinks, because he's her friend. Big steps they're taking. I think Susan might actually be growing up.
Susan comes home to Jackson, who is happy to see her. She tells him she went overboard about him and Mike, and it's cool if they want to hang out. Who do you think walks out of the bathroom right this moment, with FAR too much information about what he was doing in there (any information is too much, am I right?)? That would be Lynette's first husband, Karl. He says he came over to sign some insurance papers for Julie, but got talking to "crunchy granola" (his nickname for Jackson). He adds, "Plumber to house painter in one move, Susie? Don't get dizzy climbing that social ladder. ... Just think, if I'd been a roofer, we might still be together. Sigh." (He actually says "Sigh," solidifying my love for Karl and my hope that Richard Burgi returns again and again, although with Julie off to college that seems less likely.) Karl leaves, and Jackson wonders if there are any more exes he should know about.
Gaby's hob-nobbing at the party. The ladies at her table are praising Michelle's parties, but Gaby says she loves her intimate lunches with Michelle even more. The lady invites Gaby to the charity luncheon weekend. Bree walks up and snottily greets Gaby. Gaby's like, "The caterer! Could you get me some more wine?" Bree says she'd love to, but she wants to make sure it's the kind Gaby likes, and she jerks Gaby up by the arm and pulls her into the kitchen. Bree can't believe Gaby's still here, since food's about to be served. Gaby says it's fine, because Mrs. Bowman is home with the flu, and that's whose seat they're in. They open the door, and see Mr. Bowman with his mother hovering over Carlos. So, that plan's out. Bree says to just tell them they're at the wrong table and then slip out. But it's too late, as they're checking the guest list with the maitre d'. Bree tells Gaby to say they're at the wrong party and to leave before Mrs. Downing sees. They open again and Mrs. Downing is telling Carlos to leave. Bree says she has no more advice other than to run off into the night. Gaby looks back out and Carlos is being dragged off by security, yelling "Gaby!" She says, "Poor blind bastard. I'll meet him out front," and avoids the humiliation of walking through the crowd. Bree looks after her, horrified. Because, you know, she's been sooooo nice to her own husband, what with pretending he doesn't exist and all.
Mrs. McCluskey knocks on Edie's door, and apologizes about the crack she made about her boobs. Edie says that's nice of her, and then asks, "Are you okay?" Mrs. McCluskey says she actually isn't because her cat's been missing for two days, and he's never been out this long. Edie says she's so sorry, but is sure Toby's fine. I don't know whether Nicolette Sheridan is a good actress or her botox is just working wonders, but I honestly cannot tell if she's lying or not, she has such a good poker face here. Mrs. McCluskey asks Edie to please tell Dave she apologized. Edie doesn't understand, but guesses she could.
Carlos can't believe Gaby's stunt. She says she's just trying to salvage what's left of their social lives. He needs to let it go and think about where to move. He says it's humiliating because he has to see these people at work. She says what's humiliating is being invisible -- waking up and realizing you've lost everything. Carlos is hurt: "Everything?" She says: Money, figure, social standing. Yep, that's everything. He points out that they haven't lost anything other than hanging out with unhappy snobs. She doesn't think they're unhappy, but he says she doesn't rub them. He says they're just as miserable as he was when he was rich and chasing their lives. He says they have everything: each other, a home, a job that supports them, and two little girls who love them. He's never been happier, and could only be happier if she would realize how good they have it.
Tom's reading Lynette's letter, which he says is the best "Dear John" letter ever, except for the part where she signed it "Love, Mom." Too late. She hit send as soon as he said how good it was. He's like, "What? You sent it?" She wonders why he couldn't have led with the bad news. They hear Porter's door shut, and Tom turns to run. She grabs his shirt to make him stay, and he's like, "One of us needs to live to take care of the other ones." She concedes this and lets him go. God, I love their marriage. I know some people think she emasculates him, but I actually think they both emasculate and empower each other pretty equally, or at least pretty realistically -- especially for this show. Lynette sits there horrified, but Porter just walks in and leaves her Yeats book on the desk to her. Poor kid.
Porter's eating a sandwich in the kitchen when Lynette walks in and says, "Hey. Mind if I join you?" He ignores her. She acknowledges that what she did was unforgivable, and that she's not trying to make excuses. But then she makes an excuse: They used to talk all the time and one day it stopped, and it killed her. Yeah, Lynette, you know what probably killed Porter? Realizing he's just confessed his love to his own mother. I think he wins here, and will probably even require more therapy. She goes on to say she felt like she lost him. But when she was SaraJ, he was telling her stuff again. He snits that he wasn't telling Lynette anything. He was telling SaraJ. Which is completely true, and she knows it. She says for what it's worth she loved their conversations and is going to miss them. Then she walks out, and Porter says under his breath, "Me, too." The poor kid thought he'd found his soul mate. That's got to be devastating. It would be bad enough to find out the girl you liked was seeing someone else, but to find out that it was your mom? God, that will mess you up for life.
Bree comes home from the party and finds Orson still awake. She tells him she wishes he'd been there, because Linda Flanigan loved her food, and said she was God's gift to the table, and that's going on the book jacket. Orson's stone-faced. She asks if he's all right. He's hungry. She can't believe he hasn't eaten, but he was waiting for her because she said she'd make him pot roast. She lost track of time with Linda and blah, blah, blah, excuses, excuses. She promises him the pot roast tomorrow. But he's had enough, and he'd like the pot roast now. She promised. She's been cooking all day and is so tired she can barely stand. But he holds firm: "You promised." I think there's something deeper here: that she said she'd forgive him if he served his time. She goes into the kitchen to make the pot roast, and is crying into her carrots. Orson pours himself some more wine and glowers over the newspaper. (There's nothing like waiting until midnight to read the paper, so that you're almost two days behind on what's going on in the world.) There seems to be something ominous in this situation, but I don't get how the tables can turn so quickly with these two. It's the most unbelievable relationship on the show for me right now, and that's even including Dave and Edie, which is disturbing, but probably at least somewhat believable. But having the power shift this quickly like it just seems to have with Bree and Orson makes no sense.
Speaking of Dave and Edie, Mrs. McCluskey comes home to find Toby in the chair. She asks him where he's been, but since he's a cat, he doesn't answer. However, the living room window is open again. She walks outside, as Mary Alice says that everyone does appreciate a good neighbor. We get the same montage from earlier, but when Susan helps with Lynette's groceries, she also ignores how moody Porter is -- and that he's not helping with the groceries and instead just stands there glaring; Tom delivers the mail but pretends not to notice Gaby's unhappily throwing things and/or picking them up in the messy house; Parker offers to mow the lawn, but doesn't mention how cold Orson seems. Mrs. McCluskey brings Katherine flowers. When Katherine asks why, she tells her that she needs to use her computer to find out more about Edie's husband. Mary Alice wraps it up: "But if you're not sure the man door is as nice as he would have you believe, do everything you can to get to know him better." Including, perhaps, having him help with your light bulbs?
Sunday: Katherine doesn't want anyone to find out "we're doing this" (spying on Dave? Let's hope!). Lynette's marriage is in trouble. Bree has issues with Danielle, in the form of telling her son to lie. Dave gets even creepier, and Mrs. McCluskey points out to Edie that she knows nothing about him. And Gaby and Susan appear to get into a physical fight over MJ's lack of balls (the figurative kind, I'm sure).
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