By DeAnn Welker
So, it's sweeps time on Wisteria Lane, and you know what that means: Something tragic and big is going to happen, but no one who really matters will die or anything. This episode starts out with the Battle of the Bands, where a fire breaks out. Then we flash back a day and a lot more stuff happens.
Lynette finds out from Preston that Anne's pregnant with Porter's baby, so she goes to talk to Anne. She unwittingly tells Anne's abusive husband about it, and he does what abusive husbands do best and beats the crap out of her. Until Lynette has the good sense to come back and rescue her. Anne ends up at the hospital and Porter's ready to kill Warren.
Gaby and Carlos get back in Virginia's good graces and into her will. Gaby tries to be nice until Virginia starts telling her what to do with the girls since she considers them investments. Gaby's had enough, and tells Grandma Nutjob that her money's not worth this now that Gaby's a mom.
Bree is being interviewed by a reporter who apparently writes for the cooking version of Star magazine. She wants to find some dirt on Bree, and you've all been watching this show, right? There's plenty of dirt to be found. Tom and Lee even show up to dish a little bit of it. But then Bree tells her she's just a struggling housewife, and the reporter decides she'll use that angle instead.
Julie brings her boyfriend home to visit, and he's old. Like, Steven Weber old. Which, here, is supposed to e "40." Uh, yeah, try closer to 50. Susan doesn't like this development, particularly when he says he's going to propose. But when she butts in, she finds Julie would have said no anyway, so maybe she should try butting out for once. Oh, and Creepy Dave's doctor has arrived in town, thanks to the McCluskey sisters' tip.
That brings us just about back to the fire. Creepy Dave takes a break from the Battle of the Bands to kill his doctor, after telling him how much he likes him (see why we call him "Creepy Dave"?). He has to start a fire to cover up the murder, so he does. And then he locks Jackson in the bathroom across the hall because Jackson sees him coming out of the room where the body is and the fire started. (How many bathrooms have a lock on the outside, though, really? That's stupid.) Carlos falls down, Tom helps him out. Orson gets knocked down by someone fleeing, but he makes it out too. Grandma Nutjob falls down, and Gaby saves her life, but she's still not going to be in the will. Everyone gets out safe, but Jackson's still locked in the bathroom. So Mike goes back for him so that Susan won't have to. Meanwhile, Jackson's actually busted out a window and gotten out just fine. Mike goes in and looks for him, and passes out in the bathroom from the smoke. Creepy Dave says he'll go after him, which made me PANIC! Thankfully, Creepy Dave doesn't simply want Mike's death. He needs to torture him or something. He brings him out, lays him on the gurney and tells him he's not done with him yet.
See what the Housewives stars did before they ended up on Wisteria Lane. Come back on Tuesday for our full weecap.
Previously: Oldster Anne Shilling was in love with Porter, and he loved her back. Lynette and Tom promised Porter they wouldn't tell Anne's psycho husband about it. Gaby kicked Grandma Nutjob to the curb. And the Crazy McCluskey Sisters told Creepy Dave's doctor that he's in Fairview.
Mary Alice tells us that the owner of the White Horse bar hosts a Battle of the Bands every year. He introduces a band named "Cold Splash" as Mary Alice tells us that young musicians come with their dreams of stardom. This year, though, they're joined by a group of middle-aged men who dream of being young again, if only for one night. We zoom in on Tom, Carlos, Mike, Orson, and Creepy Dave all sitting at a table wearing matching "Blue Odyssey" T-shirts. Because all of the cool bands are wearing matching band T-shirts these days, of course. The guys talk about how old they are, but Creepy Dave says it doesn't matter because they're there to have fun. Mike agrees that they're not a plumber, a masseur, and a guy who makes pizzas. "We're a rock n' roll band." Right then Creepy Dave leaves to go "check with a guy about light cues." Mike tells Tom it will be a night to remember, and Mary Alice tells us that it was. Then it cuts to them playing "Mustang Sally," and it's not that they're bad, really. But that song is. Mary Alice adds, "In ways they could never have known," just as a fire starts on stage. And I have to quibble with Mary Alice here because one of these people actually could have known this and, in fact, caused it. Oh, right, that wouldn't work as well in the voiceover. Edie notices the fire and screams. Everyone starts pushing their way out of the place, but the door is locked. They're trapped! Which leads perfectly to the cheery opening music.
Mary Alice tells us that news of the fire spread the morning (again, not exactly accurate according to the rest of the episode; whoever wrote the first half of this episode wasn't communicating well with whoever wrote the second half), and police started using the word "arson." And someone was taken into custody. We see someone being handcuffed, but since we only see the back and butt as the cuffs are put on, there's no way to tell who it is.
Title cards tell us it's "The Day Before." Susan's sitting by her fire drinking a hot mug of something. How homey is that. A horn honks and Susan and Jackson head to the window, where Susan says she's so excited to see "her little girl." Julie is out there standing to a cab with a guy about her age as an older guy gets bags out of the trunk Susan makes the obvious assumption: Young guy = Julie's boyfriend. Old guy = cabbie. She would be wrong, though, as the young guy gets in the cab and drives away and the old guy (one Steven Weber) plants a kiss on Julie. I am confused as to why the cab honked when it pulled up, though. Is that some tradition in other parts of the country that we in Oregon haven't heard of? To honk just to let people know it's time to come to the window and watch you? Weird.
Gaby comes home with a bag of groceries to find Carlos on the couch with Grandma Nutjob, who tells Gaby she has news to share. Gaby says nothing, and Grandma Nutjob picks up on her not being happy to see her. Pretty astute for a crazy lady. Gaby says last time they spoke they called each other names, and Grandma Nutjob says all families have squabbles. Gaby's like, "Family? You had Carlos fired." Grandma Nutjob says it was a terrible misunderstanding and Carlos explains that she cleared it up and he has his job back. Gaby asks Grandma Nutjob to leave before there's a "terrible misunderstanding" between her foot and Grandma Nutjob's ass. Carlos asks Gaby if he can see her in the kitchen. Once there, he tells her that they are the sole heirs to all of Grandma Nutjob's fortunes. Gaby runs back into the other room and warmly welcomes Grandma Nutjob. (Oh, and Gaby calls her "Grandma Screwloose" this week, which actually might be better than Grandma Nutjob, but I'm sticking with it.)
Bree's nervous because a reporter from the New York Dispatch is coming to interview her. She compliments Katherine, who tells her she can stop because Katherine's already planning to say nice things. In walks Andrew, and Bree pays him a compliment. He assures her he won't be gay in front of the reporter. Andrew has done research on the reporter, though, and apparently she's the type who tears her interview subjects apart. Andrew tells her this could ruin book sales, and Bree's going to have to figure out a way to handle it. Reporter Sandra walks in, and Bree starts paying her compliments. You can't say the woman's not consistent.
Lynette's cooking when Preston comes in to tell her that Porter got Anne Shilling pregnant. Lynette's face freezes. Preston asks if she's okay, and Lynette numbly says, "Oh yeah, I'm great. Is that it?" He tells her that, actually, no, they're planning to run away. Preston asks if she's going to talk to Porter, but she has someone else to talk to first. She starts to walk out but turns and gives Preston a hug and kiss, and tells him she takes back yelling at him for leaving a soda can ring on the coffee table. Oh, Lynette, I'm sure you've done worse than that to him that you could apologize for.
Anne's husband, the owner of the White Horse, is talking to the band about how he gave them the best spot in the concert as a favor to his wife. He then tells Tom he saw Porter at his house shooting hoops with Kirby the other day, and that they grow up too fast. It's very awkward, since Tom knows Porter's sleeping with the guy's wife and all. Just then, Creepy Dave's phone rings, and it's Dr. Heller. Creepy Dave answers for a change, and the doctor asks him if he's in Fairview. Creepy Dave asks where that came from, but the doctor won't tell him; he just wants the question answered. Creepy Dave says he's really busy and will call him about this tomorrow. He hangs up. Dr. Heller gets out of his car and asks someone how to get to Wisteria Lane. He's hee-eere.
Susan, Julie and Steven Weber are talking about how they met, all romantic in the rain. Just then, Jackson comes in and tells Julie he'll take her bags up to her room, and she says she'll come with him to "check her email." Uh, right. Or maybe to hit on your mom's hot boyfriend who is much closer to your age than your own boyfriend. (I know that's not really what happens, but that's what I would be doing if I were Julie.) Now that Susan's alone with Steven Weber, he tells her he can tell she's freaked out about his age. She said she did expect someone college-aged. He says they didn't date until the semester was over, because he has a strict rule against dating students. Then he adds, "Though, strictly speaking, my third wife was my student. But she was my TA, so she was more my employee than my student." Susan: "Your what?" Steven Weber: "Student." Susan: "Before that." Steven Weber: "Employee?" Susan: "Before that." Steven Weber: "Third wife?" Susan: "That's the one." She's not thrilled he's been married three times, clearly. They quibble about it (he doesn't like to count his first marriage because it only lasted a few months). Susan thinks her divorces (two of them) are much fewer than his (three). He tells her it's different with Julie because he loves her so much and he pulls out a ring because he's going to propose. Julie calls him in to help find her cell phone charger (oh, and she calls him Lloyd). He asks Susan not to say anything about the ring, because he wants it to be a surprise. And, because he's the biggest idiot ever or he actually wants Susan to like him even less, he calls her "Mom" on his way out. Not cool. I think you are probably older than her (at least in reality).
Bree leads the reporter into the house, where Orson looks like someone out of Cigar Aficionado or like Mr. Rogers with a pipe. He's in a fancy argyle sweater. Sandra can't believe this perfect life is real, or that this "Donna Reed housewife from the '50s" is Bree's everyday life. Bree explains that decade had a lot to recommend it. Bree thinks everyone can live like this if they read her book. Sandra looks skeptical, so Bree admits she burned a tray of biscotti yesterday. The phone rings, and Bree tells Andrew to let the machine get it (always a bad idea on TV and movies). It's Orson's parole officer. Sandra has her lead, and clicks her pen as she asks Orson about prison. Andrew asks if he can be gay now. Oh, Andrew, you're always gay to me.
Anne Shilling is sitting at her table polishing candlesticks (these ladies' lives are so different from mine, I cannot even tell you) when she hears the door open and close. She thinks it's Kirby, but we know it's Lynette. She walks in and asks Anne if she's really pregnant. Anne says she is, and heartbreak flashes across Lynette's face. Anne explains how she and Porter started their statutory rape affair. She was beaten up by Warren awhile back and Porter came by and saw her. He was kind and gentle. Lynette interrupts her, telling her not to try to justify this because it's sick. Anne disagrees, saying that it's love, and she's glad she's having Porter's baby. Warren walks around the corner and says, "Damn. Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door. I suppose dinner's not ready either?" I wonder why the door was so loud when Lynette came in, but we didn't hear Warren? Lynette apologizes to him, but he asks her to leave. Anne asks her not to go, but she storms out. She gets to her car and realizes she's actually not a terrible person and rushes back in. Warren's screaming and standing over Anne, who's lying on the floor. He's kicking her. Lynette tells him to get off of her, and then throws a candlestick at him. She says she's calling the police, and he says he'd love for Anne to explain her way out of statutory rape. He leaves, telling Anne she doesn't live there anymore. Lynette rushes over to Anne, who's all bloody and beaten. He really beat the crap out of her quickly, considering Lynette just walked to the end of their front walk and ran back. Anne thanks her for coming back.
Blue Odyssey walks into the White Horse, and Creepy Dave asks if they're all psyched. Carlos says he feels like he's going to puke again. Oh, nervous Carlos is adorable. The guys walk up to the band of kids, and ask if they're Cold Splash. They are. So Creepy Dave says they're Blue Odyssey, but the kids can see that. They invite the oldsters to a party after the gig, and Tom says, "Absotively. We've just got to check with our wives." At least Mike hits him on the arm for that. If no one did, that scene would have left me so unsatisfied.
Bree comes out of her house to see Lee and Tom talking to the reporter. When she asks them why, they tell her how much dirt the reporter's found on Bree -- a lot of it stuff even these guys didn't know (things that happened before they joined the show). The reporter knows Bree was a drunk. She knows Rex was into S&M hookers. And she's going to the Battle of the Bands to see Orson harmonize with the guy he tried to kill. Bree walks off without answering any of Tom and Lee's questions.
Gaby's ready for the party, and when she heads outside, Grandma Nutjob is waiting there with her limo. Grandma Nutjob seems to have confused Gaby telling her she couldn't go to the movies because she was watching Carlos's band play with an invitation for Grandma Nutjob to come. Gaby tries to get out of it, but ends up relenting.
Porter runs into the hospital looking for Anne. Lynette tells him she's okay. She says she went over to talk to Anne about "recent developments," and Porter's pissed. You know, because it sucks when you're 16 and your mom won't let you hang out with your pregnant, married, 40-plus-year-old girlfriend. Porter looks at Anne and then runs out. Lynette follows. There's a meaningless scene in which the McCluskey sisters are walking down Wisteria Lane wondering what else they can figure out from the phone. They realize the doctor's the key, and maybe they'll head to Boston. Ironically, he drives right by them and parks in front of Creepy Dave's. Edie drives by and invites him to the rock concert. He says he'll pass but she gives him a flier before leaving and he sees Creepy Dave on it. I'm thinking he's feeling like a rock concert after all.
At the Battle of the Bands, Grandma Nutjob is boring Gaby with her tales of bad help. Susan and Jackson are sitting in another booth, where Susan is obsessing over Julie and Steven Weber. She wants to do something about it, but Jackson points out that Julie's a grown woman and if she wants to accept the proposal, it's her business. Jackson won't let her ruin the surprise of the proposal. She agrees to stay out of it. But then she gets up and supposedly heads to the little girl's room. She asks Warren why Steven Weber just handed him a CD. He says that there's a song he wanted him to play so he could propose to his girlfriend. Susan's not thrilled to find out that will happen tonight. Warren hits play on the song, and "Julie, Do You Love Me" starts playing. It's terrible. Possibly worse than "Mustang Sally," except that we have to hear that one again. So it's really a tie. Susan awkwardly follows Julie and Steven Weber out to the dance floor. They're dancing together, as two people will do, and Susan dances right to them, saying she loves this song and Jackson doesn't like to dance. She makes a lot of hints about being young and single and how great that is. Julie and Steve Weber try to get rid of Susan, but she won't take the hint, so Jackson comes to take her away. She asks Julie to say "no" no matter what he asks. Then she says she doesn't want her daughter to be someone's fourth wife. Julie tells him she's not getting married. Ever. Susan's like, "What do you mean 'ever'?" Julie walks off, needing time to herself. Steve Weber glares, and then walks off, too.
Bree's drinking across the bar when Sandra walks up and sits down. Bree doesn't get why Sandra would want to crucify her for writing a cookbook. Sandra says it's because it's not a cookbook, but a "look how great I am" book that makes every woman who reads it feel like a failure if she doesn't measure up. She thinks Bree's selling a sham. Bree explains that it's not because she thinks she's great. She's fallen down many times, just like every other housewife. It's a lifeline from her to all of those women because there's always a chance to get something right. Sandra says this is an angle she can work with and Bree should have told her that right up front.
Back at the table of Gaby and Grandma Nutjob, Gaby's almost asleep (and, honestly, I am too; how is it possible that I hate Frances Conroy so much in this when I loved her so in Six Feet Under?) Grandma Nutjob tells Gaby she pulled some strings to get the girls into a good private school, but Gaby's not interested. She likes their school just fine and doesn't want her girls that far away in case something happens and they need her. Grandma Nutjob says she insists, since her will is a considerable investment in this family. Gaby finally stands up for herself and says she might have been able to be bought five years ago, but not now that she's a mother. These are her decisions. Grandma Nutjob says this will play into her decisions about her will, and they won't be in it if that's the choice. Way to go, Gaby. Get rid of boring Grandma Nutjob. And, also, can we all just take a moment to reflect on how much this woman was willing to give them for a couple of orgasmic massages?
At the bar, Creepy Dave gets a call from Dr. Heller, but ignores it. Dr. Heller, right behind him, says, "Screening your calls, Dave?" He is so busted. Although I'm still not clear what a doctor has to do with any of this. I mean, I get that he's mentally ill, but at this point, I'd think the police would be involved. Creepy Dave apologizes to the doctor, who is mad that Creepy Dave changed his name without telling him and is in Fairview, where he's not supposed to be. Creepy Dave says he changed his name for a fresh start, but Dr. Heller says Fairview isn't a fresh start. Creepy Dave lies that his wife, Edie, is from here and wanted to move back. Dr. Heller asks if Creepy Dave told her his history. He lies that she knows everything, but he's in a really good place right now. He asks if they can talk about it after the show, because the guys in the band are his friends, and they're depending on him. Dr. Heller says, "The moment you're finished playing."
Warren introduces Cold Splash, just like he did in the beginning (he pronounces it "Cold Splat" both times). Susan finds Julie outside and wants to know why she would say she's never getting married. I think Julie should respond, "Okay, I will. I'll marry Steven Weber right now." That might shut Susan up for five seconds. Actually, no, it probably wouldn't. This is Susan Meyer, after all. Julie tells Susan that her experiences with marriage have turned Julie off to the idea. First Karl, who cheated. Then Mike, the love of Susan's life, and that still didn't work out. Susan tells her that Jackson gives her hope again. And she believes in happily ever after and wishes Julie did too. They hug.
Lynette runs by as they're hugging, and into the bar. She goes up to Gaby, who's at the bar ordering a drink, and asks if she's seen Porter. Gaby hasn't. Across the room, Dr. Heller sees a Blue Odyssey poster, which has all of the band members' names on it. He looks ominously at Creepy Dave, who gets up and leaves just as Mike says that whole thing about not being a plumber, a masseur, and a guy who makes pizza tonight. Apparently the doctor is the guy Creepy Dave has to check with about the light cues, because he makes up this excuse after seeing that Dr. Heller saw the poster. Dr. Heller walks up to him and says, "He's in your band." Creepy Dave says he knows and that they've worked through everything. Creepy Dave asks him to trust him, but Dr. Heller wants to speak to him now, or he'll call the police. Creepy Dave says he wins, and then leads him away. Dr. Heller says he's only doing this to help, because he genuinely likes him. Creepy Dave tells him he likes him too. A lot. Then he leads him into a storage room and chokes him to death with his bare hands. After the doctor's dead, Creepy Dave apologizes. Cold Splash continues to play. All the guys are scared and can't believe Creepy Dave talked them into this. Mike wonders where he is. Back in the storage room, Creepy Dave's pouring gas all over the place and lighting some straw on fire.
Jackson starts to walk away and Susan tells him the band's about to start. He says he's going to the bathroom, but will be right back. A waiter tells him the men's room's packed, but there's an employee's bathroom "back there." He heads toward Creepy Dave and the storage room. When he gets back there, Creepy Dave's coming out of the storage room. Jackson asks if that's the bathroom, and Creepy Dave says, no, that's right there, and points across the hall. Jackson thanks him and enters the bathroom, at which point Creepy Dave locks the door from the outside. Two things: 1. What kind of bathroom has a door that can be locked from the outside? 2. NOOOOOOOOOO! Not Jackson! Obviously, Creepy Dave doesn't want anyone who knows he was back there to survive, but don't sacrifice Jackson. I will revolt.
Creepy Dave's almost late for Blue Odyssey's set, and comes equipped with alcohol, saying he needed a little liquid courage. They start playing as the fire flares up in the storage room. Porter also chooses this time to come in and punch Warren, who punches him back. Lynette breaks it up and sends Porter home. Porter tells Warren he's dead. She heads out, but not before turning back to say this to Warren: "Hitting women and children? You must be so proud." She leaves and Warren instructs his henchman to lock the door. So he does, with a padlock, so that even people on the inside can't open it to get out. Again, I don't think a door would have this specific type of lock on the inside. Especially the door of a business, because then no one could open it from the outside to come in.
The fire's really blazing in the backroom at this point. In the alley outside, Lynette asks Porter what he was thinking. He tells her that this is all her fault and anything that happens is on her. Um, Porter? She's not the one who knocked up someone else's wife, okay? That was you. Back inside, smoke starts coming out of the vents from the storage room and fire starts behind the band. Creepy Dave notices, but pretends not to. Luckily, Edie notices it soon after. She screams "Fire!" just like she did in the beginning. And the mayhem begins. Carlos tries to leave, but falls off the stage. Tom and Orson go to help him, and Orson gets knocked down by someone who I think is supposed to be fleeing, but it seems like an intentional body-check. Tom looks at Orson, whose face is bloodied, to make sure he can get out on his own, and then helps Carlos out. Grandma Nutjob gets up to leave, but gets knocked down on her way out.
Susan wants to go back for Jackson, but Julie says there's an exit near the bathroom so he'll get out, and that they have to get themselves out. In the bathroom, "Jackson" (this is clearly not Gale Harold; I'm not sure if that's because of Gale's accident or because it's considered stunt work) sees smoke coming in, and realizes the door is locked. He breaks the paper towel holder off the wall and uses it to break the window. Not Gale also uses it so that we don't know it's not Gale. But, hello? That hair is not Gale's. I would know, since I have been obsessed with the man for years. I'm not proud of it, okay? All right, maybe I am a little proud. Anyway, he gets out, THANK GOD.
As Gaby's leaving, she sees Grandma Nutjob lying on the ground and goes to help her out. She asks if, since she's saving her life, they'll get to be back in the will, but Grandma Nutjob says no. Gaby shrugs that it was worth a s hot. They get to the door, and realize they're locked in. Creepy Dave breaks out the window behind the bar with a stool and helps Edie out. He won't go with her, though. He says he has to make sure everyone gets out. Susan's going back for Jackson, when Mike stops her and tells her to get out. She tells him Jackson's in the bathroom, and he says he'll go. Katherine (hey! Where's she been this whole party?!) says, "Mike?" And he turns and yells at her to go. He heads to the back and breaks the bathroom door in. He can't find Jackson, but quickly passes out in the smoky bathroom.
Everyone's starting to gather outside as the place burns. Porter comes up in the background and looks at the gun he has stashes in his pocket. Uh-oh. Jackson comes running around from the other side. Susan asks where Mike is, but Jackson didn't see him. Creepy Dave hears that Mike's still in there and says he'll go in after him. This is the point when I freaked out, not knowing the true depths of this man's psychosis. He wants something more than Mike's death, obviously. I was so afraid he'd go in and leave Mike to die. Anyway, Porter finds his mom and dad, and runs to them. Warren comes up and accuses Porter of burning down his club. Tom and Lynette look at him like they think he possibly could have. Katherine and Susan wonder where Mike is. Edie's in a panic about Creepy Dave, and it makes me seriously sad for what's going to happen to her when this is all said and done. I feel sad for Edie, people. I never thought I'd see the day. Creepy Dave walks out with Mike over his shoulder and puts him on a gurney, telling him, "I'm not done with you yet."
Mary Alice says you can read about the fire in your morning paper: those who survived (Jackson and Susan); those who were injured (Carlos, with Gaby alongside him); those who barely escaped with their lives (Mike, with Katherine watching in horror as he's put into an ambulance); and those who didn't (a body bag: the doctor). She says you'll also read about a man who risked his life to rescue his neighbor, but you won't read about the reasons why. Because no one ever doubts a hero.
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.