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Recapped by Evany · Aired 04-09-2005

Previously on Desperate Housewives: Mama falls down a flight of stairs; the hospital offers Gabby a wrongful death settlement, which she signs the shit out of; Andrew gets carted away to Camp Cognac for some attituning; Paul hurls a toy chest into Torch Lake; a craftsmen identifies the Toy Chest of the Lake as one of his own, offering the police a list of his buyers, and then...the toy chest pops to the surface of the lake (weird, here, is the order of flashbacks: the craftsman identifies the toy box at the police station, THEN we see Paul throw the toy box into the lake?); Zach promises to keep Paul's secret, icing the promise with the most sarcastic "Dad" ever.

And...MAVO! "There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain." Gabby's hair is perfect, her makeup divine. "She knew red was her color." Gabby struts out of her house wearing the teensiest, eensiest red dress. Her decolletage is tongue-kissed by the sun. "She knew diamonds went with everything." Huge, huge diamonds dazzle Gabby's wrist, ears, and fingers. Where is that Gabby headed, some A-list nightclub? A cocktail party for the famously rich? No! Gabby is going out...to get the mail. Poor Gabby. It's clear by the level of her over-primping that Gabby has succumbed to the insanity of extreme boredom. "And she knew men were all the same." Gabby's neighbor is out on his front lawn playing catch with his son, but when he gets an eyeful of Gabby in her mail/male-fetching outfit, the ball sails right past him and rolls over to Gabby, who stops it with one hooker-shod foot. "But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else," and the little neighbor lad runs over to retrieve the ball and Gabby, after a moment's flirty hesitation, drops it into his mitt, "she would never want children." The neighbor and son resume their catching, and Gabby resumes her sexy, sexy mail sorting, until she notices Carlos standing out on the porch, smiling the smile of a lobotomy patient as he gazes upon the happy, all-American man-with-son scene (which plays out in slo-mo for extra all-American effect). "Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband felt differently." Gabrielle's sexy face falls.

Later, in bed, Gabby rubs lotion into...her hands. This may be just me, in fact it probably is just me, but there is something so unsexy-gramma about hand-lotioning in bed. Gabby tells Carlos how lucky she is to have a husband who wants kids so badly, yet stays with her even though she doesn't want them. Ever. Carlos seems to think that there's still a chance, and that if she found herself with child, she might just surprise herself. "Honey," Gabby assures him, "it's not going to happen." "You never know!" Carlos rejoins optimistically. "No, sometimes you do," Gabby says with conviction (even though birth control pills are only 99.9% effective, meaning one in every thousand pill-controlled women still gets pregnant...and if your husband is swapping out your pills for placebos, those chances go up significantly). MAVO: "Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt that she didn't want to be a mother." Carlos and Gabby start in with the sexing. "What she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father." The screen splits so that, to Carlos and Gabrielle's horizontal forms, we see Carlos retrieving birth control pills from the kind of briefcase typically used to transport unmarked bills. Gabby stores her pills in a briefcase? "Or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months." Again the screen splits (or should I saw "spawns"?) to reveal multiple shots of Carlos swapping out pills. His tampering methods look very Mission Impossible, with a scalpel delicately applied to the task of removing the pills' foil backing. "Or that within one week's time," and Gabrielle collapses, with a well-sated sigh, onto Carlos's chest, "she'd be pregnant." Roll those title credits!

MAVO: "Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to the children." Wow, really? I thought Saturdays on Wisteria Lane belonged to a pod of slender, maritally challenged women. "And while most would spend the day practicing their sports," and Lynette and family toss the football around their front yard, "and riding their bikes," and blackmailing Ashley rolls past Gabby on her blackmail bicycle and they exchange glares, "and jumping their ropes," and the camera pans past two girls jumping their ropes (Practicing their sports? Jumping their ropes? Is English Mary Alice's second language?), "others were no longer engaged in child's play." Zach is no longer engaging in child's play in his front yard, hunched over a rake and wearing a buttoned-all-the-way polo tee tucked into terrible jeans hiked high with a woven leather belt. That is one rakin' out, Zach. "Indeed some children were being forced to grow up very quickly." The cops are at the door, asking Paul a few questions about a certain toy chest, which Mary Alice purchased 12 years ago. Remember? With the dancing bears? Paul can't really recall such a thing, no. But Zach pipes up that he remembers it but good, remembers that it had balloons as well as bears, remembers that they threw it away when he was little: "I was standing on it and it just busted, remember dad?" Satisfied with Zach's fat lie, the police take off, but not before Zach asks them what the big deal is and learns that a toy chest just like the one he used to have had washed up on the banks of Torch Lake, with a woman inside. A chopped-up woman. "A woman?" Zach says with revulsion. As soon as the police are out of range, Paul says to Zach, "Obviously we need to talk," and together they go inside the house. From across the yard, Felicia looks on with intense interest and an enormous pair of gardening sheers. Inside, Zach yells at Paul for lying to him: "You said there was a man in the box!" "I told you a private detective had come to take you away from us, I never said it was a man." Forgive me, but...the Man-versus-Woman lie? Not the biggest issue here. How about the "chopped up" part, Zach? But Zach continues to zone in on Paul's lying. "For the last time," Paul says, "someone came to try to take you away from us, from the only family that you've ever known." Wait, does that mean Zach has a different, unknown family? Huh!

Bree is assembling a care package for Andrew. She is also arguing with Rex about how she doesn't want to go to visiting day at Camp Cognac. Bree tries to add some lemon squares to the box, and Rex stops her, reminding her that sugar is forbidden at Camp because, he guesses, "it undercuts the boot-camp experience." Bree thinks that's a stupid rule. (Really? That doesn't sound like our Bree, the world's biggest fan of the electrified fence.) As the bickering continues, we discover that the real reason Bree doesn't want to go is that she thinks Andrew is going to attack her for abandoning him. Rex tries to soothe Bree by telling her not to feel guilty, she did everything she could for him. "I don't feel guilty," Bree lies. Rex says "okay" with zero conviction and retreats upstairs. Bree throws the lemon squares into the box.

Lynette is wearing a titastic satin dress, along with curlers on her head and a baby on her hip. Lynette is on the phone, desperately trying to talk "Christy" into babysitting. As Lynette yells and wheedles -- She's supposed to meet up with friends! From her old job! If she backs out one more time, she's dead to them! And a bunch of other stuff thirteen-year-olds named Christy don't care about at all! -- Parker is in the foreground, picking heads off of an ancient, completely dead bundle of daisies. What the hell is that? The bouquet from the crypt? I've been known to let flowers linger, purely for sentimental reasons, but those look like they're probably kicking up a stench. Lynette breaks from her yelling at Christy to yell at Parker to stop with the picking, which he heeds not. Lynette snaps her fingers at Parker, which doesn't work either. Still on the phone, Lynette walks over and manually removes Parker's hands from the flowers, but he gets right back to it. On the other end of the phone, Christy mentions a sum of $100, Lynette yells that it's extortion, and Christy hangs up on Lynette. "Parker!" Lynette yells, "I swear I will spank you!" Amazingly enough, Parker stops with the flower-picking and Lynette moves on to the girl on the list of "people who will never, ever baby-sit for the Scavo family."

Gabby returns home with shopping bags in tow to find Creepy Man from the Hospital, a.k.a. Mr. Steinberg, sitting at the table with Carlos. A number of worrisome contract-looking papers are spread out before them. Gabby tries to pretend that she's never met Mr. Steinberg, but he assures her that they've already met. I can't believe Gabby didn't think something like this was going to happen. Carlos starts yelling at Gabby for signing the settlement check behind his back. "Oh, that!" Gabby admits finally. Creepy Mr. Steinberg excuses himself, and as he walks to the door, Carlos and Gabby silently hate each other with their eyes. The second the door closes, the screaming begins. Carlos thinks they should have used the money to pay for lawyers to keep him out of jail, instead of letting him agree to the plea bargain. Gabby yells that if he didn't take the plea, the government would have seized the money. Besides, says Gabby, "You had Laotian convicts sewing casual wear for two cents an hour, don't you think you think you deserve a time-out?" Yelling, yelling, yelling. "You know, once you calm down," Gabby says, finally, "you're going to realize I did the right thing, and when that happens, I'd appreciate an apology." Carlos glares. Gabby glares. The heat is on!

Susan is painting a picture of a mother lion cuddling with a baby lion. Purr! A screech and a crash sound outside and Julie runs to the window. "Gramma's here." Looks as though Susan's mom has crashed her car into...Mike's truck! Susan goes outside to investigate, and her mother hugs her and apologizes and flutters on about her lack of depth perception. Mike introduces himself and Susan's mom goes into conniptions -- "Susan's told me so much about you" and "don't just stand there, give me a hug!" and other supremely embarrassing mom-isms. Susan finally interrupts with the news that actually she and Mike are no longer dating. Susan's mom guesses she just made things pretty awkward. Mike says, "I never would have guessed you were Susan's mom," clearly referring to the shared ding-dong factor. "I know," Susan's mom gushes, "I look too young! I got pregnant when I was a tiny teenager!" Susan tries to interrupt, but Mom continues, "It was the first time I ever got drunk! Ever! Can you believe it! Her father was a Marine! Afterward, he gave me three of his medals!" Susan yells, "Mom!" I guess the cuddling mother and baby lion were meant to be more of an ironic foreshadowing? Chastened, Mom agrees to go inside and call the insurance company. As Susan turns to follow, she looks back at Mike and wonders what he's smiling about. "I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are, they were all just answered." Susan stalks off, and Mike laughs like maybe he's still kind of under the Susan spell. Purr!

Bree comes out of her house to get the mail wearing not a strapless red micro-dress but a salmon top, cute khakis, and the patented Bree flip. And who should come running up with all her kids in tow, looking like the world's biggest red-flag parade? Lynette and the offspring. Bree looks suitably scared. Lynette informs her that her babysitter canceled (no!) and Bree immediately starts in with the backpedaling. "My house is a mess" (ha!), Bree insists desperately. Lynette bullies her with the argument that this is her one chance to go have a real lunch with real adults and real drinks (which is probably exactly what Bree was planning on doing until Lynette and Team Terror rolled up). "Oh for god's sake Bree, I'm wearing panty hose!" she shouts. Check MATE. Bree gives in, her face a frozen mask of reluctance.

Susan and her mother are making some sauce in the kitchen. Literally. Mom is wearing a cute pink cable-knit sweater, and Susan is wearing a travesty of a cardigan, an off-white, one-button thing that's all bell-sleeves and rag weave, with a huge, ridiculous collar ("Are those WINGS?" my TV watching friend, Sunny, yelled at the television. "Is she a PANTYLINER?"). Truly, that sweater is so shockingly bad, it makes it difficult to follow the dialog of the scene (which isn't all that scintillating to begin with). Susan is explaining why she and Mike are no more, regarding his criminal record. Mom can't believe it, Mike has such nice manners! We see an ominous shot of Susan cutting onions with an unsteady hand, which seems to be setting us up for a bloody severed-finger scene but mostly just serves to explain some sniffling Susan does in this scene. Mom gives Susan a pep talk about how the right man is going to come around for sure, and Susan says she would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for the inspiration of her Mom and her husband, Morty, who are both on their third marriage. Mom stops talking and starts radiating woe. Apparently Mom left Morty because he shoved her. Susan can't believe it! But yes! Morty shoved her! After she confronted him about his increased hours working "at that damned pancake restaurant" combined with his practice of hiring ever-younger waitresses. (A pancake restaurant! I didn't know it until just now, but guess what? That is now my very biggest fantasy, marrying a man with a pancake restaurant. Pancakes in the morning, pancakes in the evening, pancakes at sexytime! Too bad Morty is a mom-shover.) Susan wonders if the waitresses only seem younger because her mother is getting older. Nice, Susan. "I'm not that old," Mom insists, "people think we're sisters!" (They really do look related; the casting is righteous here.) "Well, that's because you tell them that," Susan says, with what is clearly some long-harbored aggravation. In any case, Susan doesn't think Morty cheated on her mother. Be that as it may, Mom insists that he still shoved her, and she would appreciate some support from her daughter. It is kind of weird how little concern Susan is showing for her mother in this scene. Maybe Mom is a long-standing wolf-crier? But even so! Susan agrees, finally, that she should be more sympathetic, and they go back to tending to the sauce. After a moment, Mom tosses out, "He also threw a book at me." Ha! "Come ON!" Susan says. Mom shoots her a look. Susan rewinds and changes her response to, "I mean, he shouldn't have done that." And then she ominously reaches for...a TOMATO.

Lynette's kids are at Bree's house. The boys are coloring at the table. They have trouble coloring in the lines, it turns out. In fact, they have trouble staying on the paper. Lots of kids are spazzy like that, but Lynette's kids are coloring with a kind of kinetic rage that speaks to years of therapy on the horizon. Bree floats into the room. She is wearing an apron and there is a sheet of fresh-baked cookies cooling on the counter beside her. The cookies are perfectly round and evenly spaced. The whole scene looks like an alluring ad for time travel. I want to live in that space-time continuum! And have Bree hair! Porter is trying to sneak a cookie. Bree warns him that the cookies are hot and he could burn himself, then turns her attention to the other children and informs them that "pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines." (For some reason this reminds me about how a teacher once called my mother in for a conference about how I had colored a picture of fried eggs entirely black, and when asked why, I had told the teacher simply that the eggs were "burnt," which my mother dismissed as "perfectly sensible" to the teacher.) The kids resume their fists-of-fury-style coloring technique, and Bree sighs, "Well, I guess art is subjective," and strokes one of the P's head with affection. Then she notices that Porter is still messing with the cookies. He's using a spatula this time (so clearly he heard Bree's burn-scare warning). It is the exact same red plastic spatula with a metal handle that I own! TWINS! Bree scolds Porter again, Porter claims that his persistence is coming from a place of extreme starvation. Bree offers to fix him a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese. "EW, barf!" Porter says. You sing it, sister. I think cottage cheese is the very worst, like cellulite for your mouth. ["It's really good if you mix it with hot salsa and put it on crackers. Of course, you could just skip the cottage cheese there, but anyway." -- Sars] "Don't be COMMON, young man!" Bree is such a throwback. She warns him that if he messes with the cookies one more time, she's going to spank him. One of the Ps informs her that they don't get spanked. Bree lets out a shocked "Really?" "Mommy always says she's gonna," Porter says, "but she never does." "Well," Bree informs them, "I am not your mommy, and if you misbehave in my house," she clucks Porter under the chin, "you will get spanked. So be good." Bree turns to check on the baby. And kerclunk! What's that? A cookie sheet hitting the deck? Bree turns to find all the cookies on the floor. "It was an accident," Porter lies. "Porter, I warned you!" "I'm sorry, I'll be good!" Too little, too late, Porter, because "Those cookies were...made...from...SCRATCH!" And with that, Bree takes Porter over her knee and gives him an old-school spanking. The other Ps look on with eyes bugged as we hear SWAT and "ow," SWAT and "ow," SWAT and "ow."

Gabby is filing her toenails when Carlos comes in and drops a post-nuptial agreement on the coffee table at her feet. Carlos can forgive the stunt Gabby pulled with the hospital settlement check, but only if he's sure she's going to be around when he gets out of jail -- if she isn't, then the post-nup will guarantee she gets none of the money. Gabby refuses to sign. Carlos calls her beautiful but not entirely bright, then explains that if she won't sign, he'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce her, and leave her with 50% of their current savings (which, if you recall the Time of the Plumbing Problems, can't be all that much). There is a huge cross on the wall behind them, wow. Gabby wonders what's going to happen, she's going to sign this ugly paper and then leap into his arms? Carlos insists that he still loves her, still thinks she's the perfect woman. "Oh! But I'm not!" Gabby says. "I have flaws." For example, "remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment? And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there? Well. Me being pretty, and therefore stupid, I forgot." Not only did she not burn the papers, she also read them! Carlos laughs like, okay, you caught me, and Gabby leaps to her feet and yells, "You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands!" Carlos insists the money was a safety net, for both of them! "I'll bet," Gabby says cynically. Carlos wonders if she's told anyone yet, and Gabby says no, but she totally could! "Isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made? So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words 'divorce,' 'trust,' or 'post-nup' ever again. You don't want to piss me off." Gabby stalks out, and Carlos throws a vase against the wall, narrowly missing the huge wall Jesus. "I know, baby," Gabby turns and chides, "it hurts to lose." Oh, Gabby. Have you never heard the expression "Don't tease the bears"?

By Evany

Lynette's kids are huddled around the toilet, laughing. Somehow one of their toothbrushes has found its way into the bowl. Lynette shoos them away, but...Preston? Parker? Prester? continues to hang out at the bowl, dangling another toothbrush above its watery depths. He looks very pleased with himself. Lynette threatens him with a "Don't. You. Dare!" The other two Ps run back over to the toilet, shouting at him to do it, do it. Lynette flounders with an "I mean it this time, these are not just words." Oh Lynette, if you have to say it, you...can't afford it. She resorts to a "So help me..." and then MAVO jumps in: "Hearing the hollowness of her own voice, Lynette realized it was time to get one step ahead." Lynette finishes her "mean it this time" with "I will walk you over to Mrs. Van De Kamp's, and we all know what happens when she gets mad." Oh, Lynette. That is so lame. Yelling at Bree for spanking your kids and then using those very same tactics to your own advantage? Spineless.

Bree sits at the picnic table with two worn-at-the-tooth women. In the background, a steady stream of kids carrying hilariously large burlap sacks goes by. The trashy moms are talking about why their kids are back at Camp. Apparently Trashy Mom One caught "Tug" (?) going through her purse again. Trashy Mom Two sympathizes how she hates it when they do that, and what was he looking for, anyway, weed or cash? Oh, who knows anymore! Trashy Mom One had already knocked a few drinks back, so pretty soon she and Tug (?) were screaming and throwing things around the apartment, and the neighbors called the cops. Trashy Mom One ends her story with a trashy, wet cough, the evidence of which she spits to the ground. Trashy Mom Two says, "If I knew then what I know now, I'da had that hysterectomy a long time ago," and takes a drag off her cigarette. All the while, Bree sits ramrod straight, silently judging them. And here she was, thinking she was a bad mother! Vindicated, she gets up and storms into the hut where Andrew and Rex and the counselor are rapping. "Um, Bree..." Rex tries to stop her, but Bree has something to SAY, some snorey-snore stuff like "all any parent can do is try to provide their child with the tools they need to succeed," blah blah, and then she ends with "I am a good mother." And because she really means it, she says it twice: "I am a good mother!" Then Rex explains that Andrew had just gotten through telling them that he thinks he might be gay, which was why he wanted Rex to come in first, sans Bree, because he thought Rex would roll with the news better than Bree. Bree is momentarily speechless, and then she says, "Well, he was right! I will be waiting in the car." Funny! But not exactly the supportive response of a good mother. Though I guess I've heard tell of much worse reactions coming from parents of "might be gay" kids. But still.

Gabby is at Gardener John's. She frenches him hard, then starts stripping off her clothes. And if I were wearing that weird salmon-hued tuxedo blouse, I would be in a hurry to get it off, too. Gardener John notices her wrist, which is already covered in a nasty red welt, and Gabby explains that Carlos just got a little rough. John immediately goes to put on his coat, all, "I'm going to take care of this" and "we can't let him get away with this." Sweet! But Gabby says, "Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me." "How's that going to help?" John wonders. "Because, one day, when the time is right, I'm going to tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's going to kill him." Or maybe push him to kill you, Gabrielle?

Back at the pancake restaurant (PANCAKE RESTAURANT!), Susan talks to Morty while Mom waits out in the parking lot. Susan wants Morty to apologize to Mom. What for, Morty wonders. "For shoving her?" Susan says, in a tone that's the equivalent of spinning your finger beside your ear, like, hello, crazy? "I only shoved her because she wouldn't stop hitting me." Ha. Then he confesses that she was hitting him because he threw a book at her. But it was a paperback! And he missed! Meanwhile Mom hit him in the gut, which really hurt, and does Susan want to see the bruise? Susan does not want to see the bruise, but she totally understands (Susan totally does not understand). But couldn't he just go out and apologize? No, because he doesn't want her back. Susan totally sympathizes (Susan totally does not sympathize), but he HAS to take her back! Because otherwise, Susan will have to suffer! "I'd like to have a relationship again, and at my age, with the kid, I mean, if she moves into the house, even for just a couple of years, I'm doomed," she whines, "she will burn up all my oxygen, and I need it." The predicament is a real one, but Susan's complete lack of empathy for anyone else's point of view is beginning to make me really hate her. To get her way, Susan gets Morty talking about the good times, the times between the violence. Morty admits that they "do have chemistry" -- Susan gives an awesome cringe here -- "and the sex was like...wow. There was one time on the interstate --" Susan interrupts with a bossy, "You don't have to sell me! Just go talk to her. Now." As Morty goes outside to Mom, Susan gabs with the waitress (who, by the way, is hardly younger-looking than Mom), sighing, "I think it's nature's little joke, that children ultimately end up parenting their parents" (Susan should know, Julie is already the parent in their relationship). Inevitably, over Susan's shoulder, we see Mom and Morty start to yell at each other, and then suddenly she's swinging her purse at his head, and Susan has to run out and break things up. Man, how could they be so SELFISH?

Lynette is out in front of her house, playing with her kids. Across the street, Bree comes out to post some mail (based on this episode, you'd think there was nothing else to do on Wisteria Lane besides check the mail...and beat each other up). Bree is really classing it up with a teal cardigan and pearls. Lynette comes across the street to offer Bree an apology. Bree stops her mid-sentence. "The fact that you just crossed that street means the world to me, and if anyone should apologize, it's me." "Thank you," Lynette says with real affection. They decide to seal the apology by heading over to Lynette's to drink some coffee and complain about their kids.

Final MAVO: "Children come into the world with their own agendas...some to brighten our days." Tom, feeding the baby girl-thing, laughs as she, I think, farts? "Some to test our patience." One of the Ps knocks over some books and Lynette and Bree exchange knowing looks. "Some to give us purpose." Felicia looks lovingly on at Zach as he thumbs through her photo album. "Some to take care of us." Mom has fallen asleep on the couch, tuckered out after purse-whipping Morty, and Susan lovingly takes Mom's book off her chest and closes it. And Bree looks at a photo of Andrew and starts to cry. "Yes, when they come, children change everything." Gabby is just finishing up with the sexy time. She collapses onto Gardener John's bare chest in the exact same shot the show started out with, only with John's nubile chest instead of Carlos's angry, experienced chest. "Especially when they're not invited." Gabby is so pregnant!

By Evany

Lynette is screaming at Tom, "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will LOSE it!" Tom totally agrees with Lynette! Sort of! But, he points out, it's not like Bree actually hurt Porter. (You know, he's right. I was spanked growing up -- not a lot, maybe twice, but still -- it never actually hurt, and it deterred me from doing things like touching burning-hot cookie sheets. And see? Look how GREAT I turned out.) "That is not the point," Lynette shouts, "you don't spank other people's children!" (You know, she's right. It's weird to paddle someone else's kid. Maybe in earlier times, back when it took a village to raise a child, it was acceptable for someone to spank someone else's misbehaving child, but in these modern, more litigious times, it doesn't seem like the brightest idea. On the other hand, I can imagine that living in such close proximity to Lynette's kids would be insufferable for someone as obviously pro-spanking as Bree. Her spanking hand must have been itching for years.) Tom points out that Porter WAS misbehaving and Bree did have to do something, earning a poisoned glare from Lynette. But yes! Tom agrees, Bree definitely crossed a line. Lynette thinks Bree could have done a lot of things other than a spanking, such as a time-out or simply threatening to spank him. (You know, she's right.) "Yeah," Tom says sarcastically, "'cause that works out so well when we do it." Lynette insists that it does work, most of the time! "It used to work," Tom clarifies, "they've figured out that it's an empty threat, they're on to us." "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me," Lynette says, near tears, "and I won't do it." But, Tom points out, the boys are getting older and smarter, "and eventually they're going to figure out that they outnumber us." Lynette crumples to the bed. "We're screwed." (Right again!) Remember how once in a rare while, The Love Boat would come to Fantasy Island? Wouldn't it be awesome if there were a crossover like that between Supernanny and Desperate Housewives? Tom and Lynette absolutely need someone with a toffeed British accent coming in and teaching that whole family how to use its words. Come on, both shows are on ABC, it would be so easy!

By Evany

Felicia is struggling to get her groceries out of her trunk and notices Zach strumming his acoustic guitar on the porch. Thank god someone finally gave that troubled teen a guitar! Felicia asks him if he would mind giving her a hand getting her groceries into the house, and she baits the hook by telling him there's some banana bread in it for him. Since no teenaged boy can resist the siren call of banana bread, he agrees. Zach small talks about the tastiness of Felicia's bread (stop!) and how he's never actually been inside Mrs. Huber's house before. "Obviously you haven't missed much," Felecia says with a pointed look at the wild animal tchotchkes, "this is where good taste goes to die." Then she starts right in with the digging. She heard Zach fighting with his father the other day, is everything all right at home? And she bets he misses his mother. "Such a warm, loving woman," she tells him. Zach stutters, "Y-you know my mother?" Oh sure, Felicia used to work with her, back in Utah. "Your mother loved you so much," She tells a visibly shaken Zach, "Of all the things I remember, I remember that most." Zach breaks down and squeezes out some very believable reluctant teenaged boy tears. Gently Felicia removes the piece of banana bread from his hands and hands him a napkin. "Do you want to know what else I remember?" Ominous piano tinkles in the background. "How lovely...your original...name was." Zach looks up, and after a moment, says with a small voice, "Dana?" A knowing, encouraging look spreads across Felicia's face. And...commercial! Wow, was Zach/Dana (Zana?) one of those dual-organed babies whose sex is selected by its parents and then sealed surgically? Ooh.

By Evany

Susan and Mom are at the spa, getting their toenails done. Susan is thinking that maybe it's time for Mom to try and patch things up with Morty. "Why would I want to work things out with a man who abuses me?" Both pedicurists do a shocked intake of air, and Susan assures them that they need not gasp, that her mother just tends to exaggerate. "My daughter," Mom tells the pedicurists, "won't be happy until I have bruises." More importantly, Susan wonders what Mom's going to do if she doesn't return to the man who "allegedly" shoved her once in five years. Mom says brightly that she thought she'd live with Susan! And Susan promptly kicks her pedicurist in the face. The woman wails that her nose is broken, and Susan says no, it's just banged a little. As Susan holds a towel to the woman's face, Mom tries to soothe her with the news that their cohabitation wouldn't be for that long, only a couple years. The receptionist wonders if they should call 911 for the broken-faced girl, but Susan waves her off and continues arguing with her mother, telling her that it's not that she isn't excited, and Mom says she isn't stupid, it's obvious she's not wanted, and with that she wet-nail-hobbles out of the spa. Susan turns to her bleeding pedicurists and says, "We're good, right?" and the woman tells her to just go. Susan is so off-puttingly, selfishly oblivious in this scene. Hi, she kicked a woman in the face, causing BLOOD to SPURT from her nose, and Susan couldn't find it within herself to stop arguing with her mother for just one second, to demonstrate even an ounce of concern? Susan sucks.

Gabby is out jogging and spots Gardener John running down the other side of the street. Gardener John has no shirt on! And let me tell you, that is some fertile soil for ploughing! I mean, fine rows for hoeing! Some attractive leaves for raking? Gabby and GJ stop running, and he takes a step toward her. She warns him away with a wave of her hand and he gestures like, "What?" and steps back up onto his curb. Forlornly, Gabby adjusts her headset and runs back from whence she came. Gardener John looks dejected. Topless and dejected.

By Evany

Bree is a broken doll, sitting in her pearl earrings and a baby-blue satin robe and staring at her clothing-strewn bed. Rex comes in and wonders why she isn't dressed yet. In a drained voice, Bree says that she wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but she doesn't even know what it is. Rex insists that it doesn't matter, the fact that she's visiting her son is what counts, but Bree is not in a consolable mood, insisting that a good mother knows her child inside and out, so that if he gets in trouble, she knows what to do. Rex takes her head in his hands and tells her that she is a good mother. "Brown or green...I just don't know," she says in a lost, sad voice. Aw, Bree! Rex tells her he's going to wait in the car. Bree decides to go with green because "everybody loves green."

Once again, Carlos drops the post-nup in front of Gabby. Once again, Gabby refuses to sign, threatening him again with her hold over him. But look who pulled a fast one with his Cayman Isle account, so now all of Gabby's intel on Carlos is obsolete! You see, he couldn't just go on letting Gabby make a fool out of him. And with that, their feisty, sparring relationship takes a dark turn as Gabby makes a run for it and Carlos chases her down, lifts her up, and carries her back to the post-nup. As Gabby yells "stop," and "let me go," and "you're hurting me," Carlos forces her into her chair and twists her arm until she signs. Gabby sits, weeping and holding her wrist, as Carlos gloats, "I know, baby, it hurts to lose." Wow, I used to have a soft spot in my heart for Carlos, but with just this one scene, my heart has turned its back on him. Carlos is horrible. This entire episode is actually just one long train of abuse, what with the Porter-paddling and the Mom-shoving and the Gabby-twisting.

At Camp Cognac, Bree sits at a picnic table wearing a prim sage suit. A girl with tattoos on her legs and arms walks by, and Bree once-overs her with a repulsed look on her face. Oh Bree, I roll my eyes at you! The counselor comes out to let Bree and Rex know that Andrew is ready to see them now, only he actually only wants to see Rex. Bam! Rex starts to battle with the counselor, telling him that they drove 200 miles, that this is unacceptable, that they're going to just go home, but Bree waves him off, insisting that she's okay. Rex gives in, and as he meets Andrew at the door, they hug. From a distance, Bree waves eagerly at Andrew, but he just shuts the door. Bree looks crushed. Maybe she should have worn lavender?

By Evany

week: Truth, or dare? Truth or consequences? Also: Bree would love Gay Andrew even if he were a murderer!

Desperate Housewives TV Show - Children Will Listen - Desperate Housewives Photos &amp; Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews &amp; Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP

Desperate Housewives TV Show - Children Will Listen - Desperate Housewives Photos & Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews & Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP