We open at the house of Maisy Gibbons, whom you may remember from the Lynette Throws Down With The Bossy, Perfect Mother at Posh Academy and Ends Up Finding Out That Ritalin Will Solve All Her Problems When She Gets In Over Her Head Trying to Prove a Point plotline. Maisy brushes her hair, as MAVO explains that Maisy spent her mornings running errands, and her evenings washing dishes and helping with her children's homework. "But her afternoons? Well, they were spent in the company...of men. Frustrated, misunderstood, lonely men, willing to pay money to feel a little less lonely. And Maisy Gibbons? Was willing to help them?" Is she, MAVO? It would be a little less confusing if you didn't end all your lines on an up note. Oh, I guess she WAS willing to help them, because it turns out that Maisy Gibbons is an, er, woman of the afternoon, so to speak. A prostitute. A hooker. A call girl. A whore.
In her bedroom...after...Maisy turns to talk to a john. As he zips his pants, he wonders if anyone else knows about "her little hobby": "Is it hard, keeping a secret like this?" Who is this guy? He's like the Barbara Walters of johns. Maisy makes the bed and explains that it would be tougher if it were just her secret. "But the way I see it, I keep the secret of every man who comes to me," she drawls. Was Maisy Southern the last time we saw her? Because this accent feels new. ["No, she wasn't, and Sharon Lawrence seems to forget from line to line whether Maisy is Southern, too." -- Wing Chun] Maisy explains that she finds keeping other people's secrets "absolutely exhilarating." She explains that, a few years ago, her husband lost his job and they had to give up their country club membership: "And then one day, one of my club friends asked why she hadn't seen me around lately. And I told her we couldn't afford it anymore. She wiped it off like it was nothing, but I saw her. With that look in her eye, that look of pity." Maisy angrily plumps one of her bed pillows. Barbara Walters offers that Maisy's friend was probably just trying to be nice, and wonders if pity is really so bad. Maisy shrugs: "When they say something, they are being supportive. But when they say nothing, it's because they think you're so far gone you're never coming back." Standing under an enormous portrait of Maisy and the entire Gibbons clan, Barbara fixes his tie. "Gotcha," he drawls. "So, a few months later, I started my little hobby, and the most wonderful thing happened. This woman's husband became one of my regulars," Maisy says. "Wow," Barbara says dryly. They're interrupted by the doorbell, and Maisy asks Barbara to go out the back. See, that's her appointment. "It's the husband of the woman I was telling you about," she says, gathering up her sheets. Man, she must have a LOT of laundry. That's one of the reasons I would make a bad whore: "Jesus. I am totally out of good sheets. Well, Barbara Walters is going to have to make do with the flannel ones with cowboys on them." ["I bet there are some johns who'd pay extra to have their 'appointments' on sheets like that." -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, as Barbara sneaks out the back, Maisy opens the door to Rex, surprising absolutely no one. He kisses Maisy hello as she shuts the door on the camera. Well, because that's not suspicious, there in broad daylight. Yet another plot point which in part depends on the supposition that no one on Wisteria Lane -- or wherever Maisy lives, which I suspect is Wisteria Lane-adjacent, rather than Wisteria Lane proper -- ever looks out her window or spies on her neighbors. Seriously, does no one find it suspicious that Maisy Gibbons has men traipsing in and out of her house at regular intervals all afternoon? At the very least, I would suspect her of being a drug dealer.
Courthouse. Everyone sits around and waits for Carlos to be arraigned. He's in his prison jumpsuit. Wouldn't someone have brought him a suit for this event? Maybe not. I can't remember when they start letting you change your clothes. It might be after you make bail. Anyway, Gabrielle sits and waits while MAVO introduces all the players in the courtroom, like we couldn't figure out that the person in the black gown was the judge. Gabrielle is surrounded by her bitch posse, and Lynette, I must say, looks very sharp in a suit, sans choker. And sans babies, I might add. Anyway, the prosecutor wants to deny bail, because Carlos's company imported goods manufactured by slave labor, and "his business partner, Mr. Tanaka, has already fled the country." I thought Tanaka was Carlos's client, not his partner, but I admit that I may have spaced out on that plot point. The prosecutor continues and says that Carlos has refused to surrender his passport, and therefore is a flight risk. Carlos's attorney says that the passport is merely lost, and also, that Tanaka totally set Carlos up. "Mr. Solis is no business partner, but merely a hired contractor," he adds. He tells the judge that Carlos is "the sole provider" for Gabrielle and the still coma-licious Mama Solis. The judge says that as soon as Carlos turns in his passport, they can talk bail, and Carlos can go visit the patient. Until then, he's stuck in the pokey. Carlos looks irritated, not to mention scruffy. Gabrielle closes her eyes in frustration.
Over at Lynette's, she's ordering Pantone, Pantene, and Pandemic to finish their brussels sprouts. Dude, who serves brussels sprouts at lunch? I like them, but I don't want them in the middle of the day. Anyway, the boys don't want their vegetables. Lynette tells them that veggies help you grow, and rubs the sprouts in some cheese. But the boys just spit them out, make a series of disgusted noises, and run off. "Fine! Be three foot eight for the rest of your life! See if I care," Lynette spits. "Good luck finding GIRLFRIENDS." Way to handle the problem maturely, Lynette. Whatever happened to, "You don't have to eat them all, but you have to eat ONE." But no, as ever, it's all about how aggravated Lynette is and how hard her life is, and blah. Enter Nanny Claire. "I thought you had a lunch today," she says. Lynette whines that she's going to cancel it: "The boys are in rare form and you're still finding your way." Claire points out that it's been two days. Lynette stammers that she doesn't want to "shock them" by "suddenly disappearing." Dude, you were JUST AT THE COURTHOUSE WITHOUT THEM LIKE AN HOUR AGO. Anyway, Claire assures her that they'll be fine. Lynette makes Claire promise to call if she needs anything, and gets "a three bear hug" from the boys. They say goodbye cheerfully and run off to play with Claire. Lynette reluctantly leaves.
Down the street, Julie is piling a ton of Chinese food on a plate and announcing that she's going to eat upstairs because she's got a ton of homework. By which she means "a boy hidden up there." Susan and Mike canoodle in the background. Susan notices how much food Julie's gotten, and wonders if she's storing up for winter. "I'm just really hungry," Julie offers, then changes the subject by mentioning that she talked to Karl, and he and Brandi might break up. Susan expresses polite interest in this: "How awful," she says, and smiles. "Anyway, because of all the drama, he can't take me this weekend. I'll be home after all. Good night!" Julie says, and scampers upstairs. Upon second viewing, I realized that it's entirely possible that Karl isn't breaking up with Brandi at all -- Julie just concocted this lie so that she could be home to keep an eye on Zack. Susan's face falls. Mike looks disappointed. "Our romantic weekend's off," Susan whines, taking a seat at the kitchen table. Mike wonders if they can move it to his house. Susan doesn't want to do that. She wants to have her "things" around her. And she needs to "control the lighting." Heh. Susan smiles that she just wants it to be special. Um, but they have totally already done it, so....okay, whatever. I don't know if Susan's going to pull this "I want to plan my outfits and have my candles laid out" routine every single time they have the sex, but there is something to be said for spontaneity. Of course, with Susan, spontaneity usually leads to her face-planting into a vat of pudding, or something. Anyway, Mike is fine with waiting until weekend, and Susan thinks he's "the sweetest guy," and they kiss over their noodles and she still totally appears not to be concerned about his weird and mysterious stash of cash and guns. Soon, the making out gets both hotter and heavier and they agree that they don't think they can wait until weekend. Sadly, they can't get their schedules to line up. "Damn Karl! I'm not even married to him anymore, and he's still keeping me from having sex!" Susan says, and angrily stabs an eggroll...
...much like the one Zack is eating upstairs and no, that's not some gross euphemism, you perv. While he eats, Julie paces around and gets stressed out, what with all the concealing him from her mother that's going on. She thinks they need to tell Susan. "You can trust her, I promise," she says. Zack is worried that Julie already told Susan all about how he is allegedly a baby killer and she swears she didn't and then he gets up to go and there's all this "I don't want to cause PROBLEMS for you" blah blah blah, because Zack? Is a total drama queen. He's going! He's leaving! Don't worry about him! He'll manage somehow! No, no! He'll be fine living beneath the freeway underpass. Julie, of course, stops him and promises him not to tell. Relieved, Zack swears he'll be out of there soon. "I'll think of something, okay?" he promises her. Then they do it on her bed. Not really. She's, like, fourteen! What is wrong with you? God, that is so inappropriate.
Over at Casa KimberBree, the lady of the house is wearing a nightgown very similar to one my own mother has -- which is very motherly in that it has wide old straps and no waist and is 100% cotton and I admit I have one of these myself but I wear it only when it's five thousand degrees out and I'm home alone. KimberBree's playing solitaire and drinking a glass of wine. Rex comes home. He must have been at Maisy's for ages! "Why are you up?" he asks. KimberBree smiles that she could ask him the same question, and he snaps that he's going to bed and that he didn't ask her to wait up for him. Dude, you could at least be civil to her. You're the one who moved back in to help with the kids. I really don't think being a total asshole to their mother is going to help. KimberBree sniffs at his coat. "Were you with a woman?" she asks. Rex doesn't say anything. "Did you tell her you have a wife, or does that hinder your pickup style?" she asks, sounding reasonably peevish. Rex -- who is still wearing his wedding ring -- says that he has every right to see someone else: "Exploring options is the whole point of being separated." KimberBree sniffs that she's "not a mutual fund," but Rex suggests that she go out there and meet someone too. "I am just trying to move on with my life! It is nothing to be ashamed of!" he insists. Well, no. Except for how you're "moving on" by going to a whore. That might be something to be a leeeetle ashamed of. KimberBree gets all irritable and suggests that Rex call up "his mystery woman," and invite her over so KimberBree can "pull out the sofa bed and [Rex] can take [the mystery woman] right there!" KimberBree slides open the dining-room door and calls upstairs, very bitterly, "Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's gonna fornicate for us!" Rex snaps at her to keep it down. Staring. "Why, are you feeling ashamed?" she asks, pushing past him with her glass of wine and stomping us right into the ads. Very well-acted scene from both of them. Much as I love love love Gay Matt, I suspect that Stephen Culp is the only man on this show who can go toe to toe with La Cross.
After the break, we open with Edie knocking on Mrs. Kravitz's door. Days' worth of newspapers have piled up on her lawn. I feel like Mrs. Kravitz is someone who would have stopped the paper, even if she were just going to her sister's for a few days. But never mind that. MAVO explains that Edie was starting to worry: "Edie didn't like worrying. She felt it gave her wrinkles." Thank God she's got that "buy nine, get one free" Botox card. "So out of concern for her face? And [Mrs. Kravitz]? Edie decided to find out what? Was going on," MAVO sing-songs.
Casa Incarcerated. Gabrielle looks everywhere for Carlos's passport. She asks Yao Lin, the maid, to help her look, but Yao Lin is more interested in finding out how Gabrielle plans to pay her. "I have children!" she says. Gabrielle points out that said children are in their twenties. Yao Lin is all, "Still." So Gabrielle writes her a check for three weeks' pay in advance. Yao Lin wonders if it would be okay to call the bank. Gabrielle snaps that "people don't become poor overnight." On cue, people show up and repossess Gabrielle's Porsche. Gabrielle runs outside, horrified. She notices the neighbors staring -- you know, the ones who didn't see Miguel fall out of her bedroom window naked, or Andrew fleeing the scene of the hit and run -- and calls, "You call this a paint job? I don't want to see it again until it's perfect!" Then she and her satin pants run into the house.
Over at KimberBree's, Lynette is obsessing about what's going on at home with Claire. KimberBree irons and listens quietly. Lynette says that, while Claire did well with the kids "yesterday," it could have been beginner's luck! Lynette, Christ. Go back to work. Should she call? She should call. Maybe she shouldn't call. But she wants to call. KimberBree has the patience of a saint not to sigh with exasperation, but instead basically just tells Lynette that she's wasting her newfound free time worrying about the kids. Lynette continues to blah blah stress blah blah, until KimberBree suggests that she invest in a Nanny Cam. "People do terrible things when they think no one's watching them," she purrs, in a very Kimberly Shaw sort of way. Lynette doesn't think she could breach Claire's trust like that. "Trust is overrated," KimberBree says. Lynnette finally catches her snap and asks how things are going with KimberBree and Rex. KimberBree swears that they're fine: "Why do you ask?" I must admit, I find the friendship between these two appealing, since they're so very different and yet they seem to have real fondness for each other. Lynette is just curious: "Is he back for good?" KimberBree says that the situation is "fluid," and that she's not sure what Rex's plans are. "So if you're not sure he's back for good, why are you ironing his shirts?" Lynette asks. "Because I have faith that he'll come back and that he'll do the right thing," KimberBree says, calmly. Lynette sighs that it's good to have faith in people. "Yeah, but I'd still buy that camera," KimberBree tells her.
Casa Klutzy. Susan is paying bills or something when Mike's car pulls into his driveway. She watches him walk into his house. This is why I could never date a neighbor. I know myself. I would drive myself OUT OF MY MIND wondering what he was doing all the time: "Should I call him? Can I go over? No, I shouldn't go over. Well, if I wasn't sleeping with him, I would have no problems going over. But I AM sleeping with him and that changes everything. But does it change everything? If anything else it should make it MORE okay for me to go over. But I don't want him to think I'm getting too clingy. But we're SLEEPING TOGETHER. Yes, exactly." And that way lies madness. At least I know this about myself. But Susan, on the other hand, just puts on a babydoll nightie and calls Mike and asks him to cover over and help her find her pilot light. Then she hangs up real quick before he can say, "Open your broiler. It ought to be down there." Ew, I didn't mean for that to turn into some weird gross euphemism.
This cues up a humorous Susan Gets Ready To Have Sex montage, which includes her sprinkling rose petals on the bed and dancing around her bedroom, singing along to "Come and Take Me, Here I Am," which she puts on the stereo and cranks all the way up. It's really rather cute. Susan is kind of dim and all, and I have no idea how she managed to live this long without, you know, running face-first into a brick wall or stepping in front of a bus, but Teri Hatcher is supe- likable. She's all bouncing around, and, mid-flower spread, she has a thought: "Oh! Candles! Candles!"
Here comes Mikes across the street. I don't know what took him so long, but I suspect it might have involved some personal hygiene care and maintenance.
So Susan strolls into Julie's room to get some candles. Singing all the way. Oh, Susan. Having loud sex with the hot mysterious plumber while the semi-orphaned son of your dead best friend hides in the room is beyond embarrassing. Speaking of, Zack hides behind Julie's door.
Despite the fact that Mike was stepping off his front porch when Susan remembered that she needed candles from Julie's room, he is now only about a third of the way across his lawn. If he walks that slowly, I am concerned about his ability to...you know, maintain. If you know what I mean. I mean, he must be awfully weak. That's what I'm saying.
Susan lights candles in her room, and hears steps in the hallway. She calls to Mike that she's upstairs, and arranges herself alluringly on the bed as Zack tries to sneak downstairs. Zack, you moron. You are totally going to get caught on the stairs. Hide under the bed, plug your ears, and think of England.
So, Mike finally gets to the front door. He takes about twenty minutes to read a note Susan has left for him, which reads, in its entirety, "Come on in." Zack, as I predicted, is stuck on the stairs, and is now forced to duck back up them and toward the upstairs hallway. Oh, this is not going to end in fun nudity for anyone, least of all Susan.
Mike comes inside, finally. Zack sneaks back toward Julie's room. Susan, on the other hand, is getting suspicious. She creeps toward her closet as Zack slips back into Julie's room.
The footfalls come closer to Susan's room -- because, you know, now they really do belong to Mike. Sadly, this time Susan lets loose with her ThighMaster and whacks Mike across the face. He goes down like a lead...whatever that simile is. A lead balloon? Sure. Anyway, the disco sex tunes stop, despite the face that it wasn't a music cue on the show, but rather the stereo, and we saw Susan turn it on. She apologizes profusely. She thought there was an intruder, Susan squeals. "I was going to seduce you," she explains, and they start kissing. Then Mike looks up and sees Zack standing behind her. "Please don't be mad," Zack says. Wha? Why didn't you just DUCK BACK INTO JULIE'S ROOM, Zack? Is there an impenetrable force field around her door jamb of which I am unaware?
So, Julie comes home from school, all cheerful "Hello, I'm home," and finds Zack, Mike and her mother waiting for her in the kitchen. "Zack, what are you doing here?" she asks. Everyone just looks at her.
Casa Passive-Aggressive. "Later that day, while Claire was out getting the boys wired on ice cream, Lynette did some WIRING of HER OWN," MAVO smirks, as Lynette sets up the Nanny Cam. We get it. Wiring. Very clever. There's some silly business where Lynette pretends to beat the stuff out of a teddy bear, all of which is revealed on the TV in the kitchen, which I guess Lynette has wired up like a closed-circuit television now? Claire sure is going to get a surprise when she turns on Passions and instead sees herself in Lynette's kitchen. Lynette? Go back to work. ["That's what I've been saying all along. And so? HAS MY MOM." -- Wing Chun]
Susan's. Julie doesn't want them to send Zack back to Paul. "They sent him to a psycho ward!" she squeals. "Actually, they call it a rehabilitation center," Zack pipes up. Everyone looks thoughtful. Susan asks what Mike thinks, and he points out that Paul, as Zack's father, does have a right to know where he is. Also, if he finds out that the Mayers are hiding Paul's kid, they could get in a lot of trouble. Julie rolls her eyes. Susan says that Mike's right: "Sorry, guys." Julie pleads, but Zack gets up from the table and swears it will be fine. The kids hug. Mike offers to take the kid over, so Julie and Susan can.... His voice trails off. I think the phrase you're searching for, Mike, is "Have a total bitch fit at each other." Susan tells him that, if Paul goes all nutbar on Zack, Mike should bring him back. The men leave, and Susan starts with the "young lady," and Julie just stomps upstairs. My mother would have said, "DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU," but Susan just lets her go.
Mike walks Zack back to Casa Murder/Suicide and tells Zack that if he ever needs to talk about anything, he should call Mike. Day or night. Call him. Seriously. He hands over his business card and stresses again that Zack can totally call him, especially if he's got any dark secrets about the neighbors or anything else that he wants to unload. Zack is surprised and touched by the fact that Mike seems like a decent human being. His front door opens, and Paul spills out, muttering, "Thank God." He hugs Zack. "We'll talk later," Mike tells Paul. "Remember, any time," he says to Zack. "Seriously, I have been trying to get dirt on your family for ages. So, seriously? Call me."
Maisy's House of Ill Repute. The client? Rex Van de Kamp. Maisy's taking out all her dominatrix gear, while he sits around topless and waits for her to crack the whip. "I hear you moved back home," she says. He says that he had to -- he and KimberBree had troubles with the kids. Rex swears he'll move out eventually, but Maisy doesn't think Rex really wants to leave KimberBree at all. "You're obviously still in love with her," she says. Rex "never said [he] wasn't." Maisy wonders why they're getting a divorce, in that case. Rex can't believe Maisy's rooting for them to patch things up! She slaps her hand down on the dresser and he shuts up. "You know me. I'm just a romantic at heart. Scarves or cuffs?" she asks. "Up to you," he chirps. It's interesting that Rex allows his sexual dominatrix to make all his decisions, just as he allows KimberBree, his non-sexual dominatrix, to make all his decisions, and yet he pays for one and complains about the other. Physician, heal thyself. Rex blah blahs that he has certain needs. You know. Needs. "Boots, or stilettos?" Maisy asks. "Stilettos...please," Rex pants. Maisy straps them on and suggests that he just tell KimberBree what he's into. He won't "because she'd say no," he tells her. Maisy points out that she's said no to some things he's wanted from her. "That's different," says Rex. "I don't care if you reject me." Ah, very illuminating, Rex. Thank you. At this, Maisy snaps her fingers and he hits the floor. "Rex, trust me on this. Sometimes, when you love somebody, you've got to make sacrifices for them," she advises. "Love or passion. It's an awful choice to make," Rex says, his mouth all squashed against the carpet. The ACTUAL carpet. On the FLOOR. My God, you read all kinds of dirty double entendres into this thing. And it's almost Christmas! What's wrong with you? "Yes, it is," Maisy agrees, and steps on his bare back in her super-hot heels. Would it be bad of me to admit that I have some shoes very much like that? Maybe I should consider a change of careers. I do like to boss people. Anyway, Rex groans as Maisy works him over.
Casa Repossessed. Gabrielle is loudly wondering to their lawyer how she's supposed to live without a car. He exposits that Tanaka is still at large, and the powers that be want Carlos to flip on him, so they're playing hardball. And they can take anything she owns that they think they can tie to ill-gotten gains. Gabrielle yelps that some of their stuff was hers, from when she modeled! "I have dug myself up from dirt to afford these things, and no one is going to take them from me!" she cries. "Then I suggest you find yourself a good hiding place. They can't take what they can't find," the lawyer says, and advises that she also find the passport, tout de suite. Gabrielle sighs. ["That's some pretty terrible advice from Mr. Lawyer." -- Wing Chun]
So Gabrielle heads over to KimberBree's, her china all packed up in a box. She lies that she thought KimberBree might want to borrow it for a while. "Say, can I store some odds and ends in your garage?" she adds. KimberBree agrees, and Gabrielle sets to work packing up her nice things. When she's done, almost everything from her house is jam-packed into KimberBree's garage. When KimberBree sees this, she gives Gabrielle a supportive but weary smile.
Maisy's. She's still working over Rex, who seems to be, er, really enjoying himself...until he has a heart attack. Maisy calls 911.
KimberBree is at home, looking at Gabrielle's stuff. She is smiling at Gabrielle's wedding photo when she gets a call from the hospital.
Cut to said hospital, where KimberBree is wearing a fantastic kelly green trench and striding down the hallway like the Dr. Kimberly Shaw of old. She looks about five minutes away from punching someone in the on-call room. KimberBree checks in with the nurse, who tells her that Rex is being prepped for surgery. There's some business about how the nurse is surprised that KimberBree is Rex's wife, and although the nurse tries admirably to cover it up, KimberBree realizes that Rex's other woman brought him in. She looks at the sign in sheet and sees Maisy's name. You moron, Maisy. Why did you sign your own name? Unless you wanted KimberBree to know it was you...which of course, subconsciously, you did. Look, I worked that all out on my own! Give me a gold star. But what Maisy doesn't know is that KimberBree is probably going to blow up her house and give her a black-market lobotomy now.
Casa Ungrateful. Claire is a live-in nanny, apparently, since she's shuffling off to bed in her jammies while Lynette is in her own bed, gleefully watching the Nanny Cam Tapes. Lynette's face falls when it becomes apparent that Claire is no less than a modern-day version of Maria Von Trapp, playing a guitar for the children, and then putting ona puppet show for them. Later, I presume she will make them play clothes out of curtains, teach them to sing, break up Lynette's engagement to a Baroness, and then help them all escape the Nazis. ["I know you want some kind of Passions/Dynasty hybrid in primetime, but a series version of The Sound of Music is what I want for Christmas." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Lynette appears almost disappointed that her nanny is not a monster, presumably because that means that Lynette sucks, and Lynette is all about herself. Here's the thing, Lynette: you can't have it both ways. Either be thrilled that Claire is wonderful and that you're lucky enough to be able to afford a live-in nanny whom your children adore, and get your ass back to work, where you appeared to be pretty happy; or shut your yap and do the full-time mom thing while hiring a maid to take care of your other obligations. Frankly, I would hope the nanny is doing a bang-up job with the kids, since that is her full-time job, and exactly what you hired her for.
Susan comes downstairs and finds a very close-mouthed Julie "trying to read," but mostly just giving her mother the old silent treatment. Susan can't believe Julie is mad at her. "I told Zack he could trust you, and you turned him in," Julie complains. Susan tells her that "someone had to be responsible," and "like it or not," Susan is the mother in this situation. Julie -- and I -- give Susan a classic bratty teen You Have Got To Be Kidding Me look. "Since when?" Julie brats. "What is that supposed to mean?" Susan asks. Julie reminds Susan that, since Karl left, "if there's been a mother around here, it's been [Julie]." She starts to stomp off, but then turns and says, "Do you remember after the divorce, when you stayed in bed for a week and I had to beg you to eat something?" Susan sorta does. "And for weeks, I had to clean the house, I had to make sure that the bills were paid. I even had to schedule my own doctor's appointment once." Susan admits that she was in bad shape back then. "It's still going on. And now that I need some support, you decide to play the mom card?" Julie asks. Rock ON, Julie. You are being totally bratty, but I am so pleased to see the show finally address this. Thank you, writers! Susan says they could have gotten in a ton of trouble if she didn't send Zack back. "Yeah, well, now Zack's the one who's in trouble," Julie says. "You sent him back to a man who HATES HIM." And, with that, she sweeps off dramatically to her room. Susan looks a bit gobsmacked. Nicely played on all parts there.
Casa Repossessed. Gabrielle walks sadly through her totally empty house. I think she got a haircut. It looks lovely. Where was I? Oh, yes. MAVO explains that, of all the things no longer in her empty house, the only thing Gabrielle truly missed was Carlos. Aw. This sweet moment is interrupted by the doorbell! It's the Feds. They've got a warrant and they're going to repossess....whatever is left. Which is, like, a trampoline and one table. "We're not into clutter," Gabrielle tells them, and smiles a bit to herself.
In the scene, Lynette attempts to bond with her boys by giving Claire the afternoon off and reading them Harvey and the Flying Turtle, and the boys don't really like the way she reads. Claire, it seems, does funny voices. And her funny voices are better than Lynette's funny voices. I would go into more detail, but the majority of this scene literally involves Felicity Huffman reading aloud, and while I know there are people out there who would watch her read the phone book, I am not one of them. I will add that the boys who play Pantaloon, Pantalets, and Pantywaist make a series of hilariously disappointed faces at their mother's attempts to read as well as Claire does, and that Lynette is frustrated by this fresh failure on her part.
Gabrielle visits Carlos in the joint. He's real upset that this has happened to them. I note that the Feds haven't taken Gabrielle's giant wedding ring, which is pretty nice of them, really. She assures Carlos that it's not his fault, and that she's happy to take care of everything until he's back in action. Aw, she is totally back in love with him! I wonder how long that will last. Carlos is touched. He had no idea she was this strong, he says. "You're a good wife, Gabi. A real partner." "Oh, Carlos, I love you so much," Gabrielle sighs, and they lean in to kiss each other, but as soon as they're in the lip lock, Carlos starts giving her instructions: "There's a false panel in the back wall of the closet. My passport is there along with some papers. Take the passport to the lawyer and burn the papers." They separate for a moment, and Gabrielle gives him an incredulous look until he gestures to her to come back in. "Carlos, did you know what Tanaka was doing?" she asks his mustache. "Just burn the papers," he tells her, and kisses her for real. She pulls back and makes her confused face at him.
Lynette comes home and runs into Edie in the driveway. Edie wonders if she has a spare key to Mrs. Kravitz's house. Lynette says that she doesn't, and notes that she hasn't seen Mrs. Kravitz around lately. Edie sighs that her laptop is locked up in Casa Kravitz, and there's stuff on there that she doesn't want anyone else to see. You know. Spreadsheets. Also, porn. "You know, you're not looking half bad," Edie finally says. "What have you done with that little posse of yours?" Lynette explains she has a nanny now, and Edie is suitably impressed. Lynette then brats that their mothers were smart: "They didn't get us nannies or put us in day care because they knew if they did, we'd find out. There are other women out there who were better mothers than they were." Yeah, that's why they didn't do it. It had nothing to do with social norms, or women being expected to stay home when what they really wanted to do was work, or because they loved staying home with their kids or because they couldn't afford it, or because day care, like, DIDN'T EXIST forty years ago. It's because they all selfishly wanted their children to think they were the best mothers in the world. Shut up, Lynette. Edie offers that she had a nanny for a while. She thinks for a moment and then says that she was actually more like a court-appointed social worker, while Edie's alcoholic, shoplifting mother was in the joint. "She was such a disciplinarian that, when my mom made parole, I was actually happy to see her," Edie says matter-of-factly. A light goes on over Lynette's head. It is not the "Boy, it's good that I'm not in jail or rehab for being addicted to Ritalin that I stole from people because I can't deal with my kids. Thank God I got such a nice person to help with me" kind of light; it is the "If I make Claire look shitty, my kids will love me more" light. Wow. I kind of hate Lynette now. That girl is doing a kick-ass job, and you are undermining her because of your own fucked-up psychological problems. What about the fact that having a great nanny rather than a screaming harridan mother is probably better for your kids, you selfish twit? Why don't you actually think about your four children for five minutes? And it's not that I don't get the emotional reaction of "Oh my God, what if my kids love their nanny more than they love me," but Lynette takes that to an irrational, dangerous level. Everything she does is for herself, not for her kids.
Susan is over at Mike's. He brings her a glass of water, and she thanks him for helping out with Zack. She does not ask if she can get a wad of cash with her water. Mike says that Zack is "a little squirrelly, but seems like a good kid." He's totally squirrelly! I say that all the time! Writers, are you reading this? If you are, sorry I'm so mean. It's because I love. Also, because I love to be mean. Come on, you know you like it like that. I'm like the Maisy Gibbons to your Rex Van de Kamp. Mike asks how Julie is doing, and Susan explains that Julie accused her of being a bad mother. "She was sort of right. After my divorce, I really leaned on her a lot. And I still kind of do it. I just want somebody to talk to about all my adult stuff, and she's right there and she acts so mature that I forget she's fourteen." Mike nods and tells Susan that she can always talk to him about grown-up stuff. She smiles at him. "Well, I can't talk to you about everything," she replies. "What if I want to talk about the big crush I have on the plumber that lives across the street?" Mike grins. "Well, you'd have to tell me more," he says, and they giggle and she kisses his hand. "Thanks," she says. And that was charming and adorable except for how Susan apparently doesn't care about Mike's weapons cache because she's getting laid now, and I can totally relate to that, but she needs to know that you can ignore the weapons cache for a while and every time you're reminded of the weapons cache you can stick your fingers in your ears and just kiss the boy, but eventually that weapons cache will absolutely rear its ugly head and it will end up in your back yard, and then you will realize that you should have talked about the weapons cache back when you had the opening but now you guys are broken up and you're really upset because you realize that you should have paid attention when he told you he had a weapons cache, and thought about what that meant for your psyche and whether you could handle a relationship with a man who had a weapons cache and now you're completely screwed, and if you replace "weapons cache" with "commitment problem," then you now know the story of my last relationship.
Maisy's. Why, who could possibly be at the door? It's KimberBree! Maisy stammers that this is a nice surprise. "Would you like to come in?" she asks. "Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?" KimberBree asks.
Elsewhere, Paul and Zack have dinner. Well, by "elsewhere," I mean, "at Paul and Zack's house." Paul offers Zack some more mashed potatoes. "You already asked me that," Zack says. Paul serves himself some potatoes, and says he's so relieved that Zack is okay that he's not thinking straight. "Does that mean you're not going to send me back to Silver Crest?" Zack asks. Paul explains that Zack's fits of violence and breaking and entering had him confused. He didn't know what Zack needed. "You could ask me," Zack says, and then explains that, lately, he's been remembering stuff from when he was little. "Awful things." Paul tells Zack that sometimes it's not good to look back into the past. "I can't help it. These images keep popping into my head," Zack says. "Then you've got to find a way to push them back down again," Paul says. Repress, Zack! REPRESS! There is a moment of silence. Then, Paul: "More potatoes?" Zack: "Yes, please." Paul piles them on and says it sure is nice to be back to normal. The music swells in the background. I'd say those potatoes were drugged, but Paul is eating them, too. Is Paul drugging himself? I guess that's possible.
Maisy's. She tells KimberBree that Rex still loves her very much. "He said that?" KimberBree asks. Yes, Maisy says. KimberBree wonders why he's so unhappy, then. Maisy explains that Rex is too much of a chickenshit to ask KimberBree to walk on his back in heels, although not in so many words. (Also, like KimberBree wouldn't be the best dominatrix EVER. Get it together, Rex.) So Maisy is doing it instead. "I see," KimberBree says, and stands to go. "You know, you are pretty brazen for a woman who, however tacitly, just admitted she slept with my husband," KimberBree says icily. "If I told anyone in this neighborhood, they would never speak to you again." Maisy is pretty confident that KimberBree isn't going to tell a soul: "You may hate me, but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more." KimberBree shakes her head. "Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy," she says. "I pity you." She leaves. Maisy looks like someone just stabbed her. You're lucky she didn't actually stab you, lady.
Casa Passive-Aggressive. Lynette tells Claire to serve the boys brussels sprouts for dinner, because Lynette is...you know, a bitch. She also tells Claire to make sure "Penny" gets her nap. I have no idea why Claire is in charge of some random child, since the baby used to be named "Daisy."
That night, Lynette settles in with a bowl of popcorn and watches her kids throw the brussels sprouts at Claire. Lynette laughs and laughs gleefully. See, this is another big problem that I have with Lynette: she gets all upset when the kids are a pain in the ass to her, but when she wants to exact revenge on someone, or make someone else's life difficult for her own personal gain, she uses her children's brattiness to her advantage -- both in this instance, and when she hopped them up on sugar before leaving them with Gay Matt. It's really an asshole move on her part.
Hospital. KimberBree waits by the bedside of an unconscious Rex. He finally comes to. "I guess they operated, huh?" he asks. KimberBree takes a seat beside him and tells him that the surgery went well, and that he's going to be as good as new. "You look like you've been crying," he tells her. KimberBree says that she has, and takes his hand: "I was so afraid you were going to die. There're so many things I haven't had the chance to tell you." Rex rubs her hand and says he's sorry she was so worried. KimberBree softly asks, "That's okay. How are you now, Rex? Are you strong enough to listen to the things I have to tell you?" He says he is. She sits to him and leans right into his face. "I know you still love me," she tells him. "Maisy told me." Rex: "She did?" Gulp. And KimberBree gets right up in his face even closer and whispers in a most calm yet violent tone, "As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find and together we are going to eviscerate you. I am going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me? I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you to hurt as much as is humanly possible." She gets off him, and gets her things. "I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that," she says, and sweeps out. Rex looks stunned. Dude, I told you. Don't fuck with KimberBree. She will WRECK YOU. You are so very screwed now. You're going to end up in a shallow grave by the side of the road wrapped in a tarp, and that's if you are lucky.
Casa Slave Labor. Gabrielle takes Carlos's passport and the papers out of the secret panel in their closet. She opens the passport and makes a confused face.
"Trust is a fragile thing," MAVO says, as Lynette sweeps out of her house sans children, because she feels fine leaving them now that she's allowed them to make Claire's life as difficult as hers was. "Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom."
KimberBree enters a law office. "But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover," MAVO says. "Of course, the truth is, we never know who we can trust." On that, Julie and Susan give each other irritated looks. Well, Susan looks mostly sad. "Those we're closest to can betray us," MAVO continues.
"And total strangers can come to our rescue." On this, Paul Young takes out his trash and sees Edie at Mrs. Kravitz's door. With the cops. Whoops! "In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned," MAVO finishes, winkily. And on her line, Gabrielle throws Carlos's passport in the fire.
And with that: happy holidays! Have a fantastic New Year's, and I'll see you in 2005!