Desperate Housewives TV Show - It Wasn't Meant To Happen - Desperate Housewives Photos & Videos, Desperate Housewives Reviews & Desperate Housewives Recaps | TWoP

By Evany

Karl dumps Edie using the time-honored "leave a note on the pillow and sneak out while she's sleeping" method. But wouldn't you know it: Edie wakes up, and Karl is forced to make an undignified run for it. But again, wouldn't you know it: his brand-new Mustang just won't start. While he's desperately trying and trying to get the engine to catch, Edie runs outside and comes after him with a rake. At the last possible second, the 'stang starts, and Karl peels right on out of there...and directly into an oncoming garbage truck, wah-wah. Edie spends the rest of the episode weeping, drinking, and trying to discover the identity of Karl's other woman. Feeling guilty (what with actually being Karl's other woman), Susan brings Edie a stack of self-help books, and somehow gets shanghaied into being Edie's designated driver/wingman for the night. The two of them head down to the local Hooters-style restaurant, so Edie can antagonize a waitress whom she suspects is Karl's new woman. Both Susan and Edie end up rolling around in a pile of spicy chicken wings in a gigantic girl-on-girl-on-girl-on-girl bar brawl. Wah-wah-wah. Gabby and Carlos are busy being happy new parents, when teenaged bio-dad Dale finally returns from spring break, and reveals that he wants the baby (or, more specifically, Dale's brother Frank wants the baby so he can use it to get stripper Libby back). Gabby goes down to Dale's Catholic high school and, right in the middle of a pep rally, threatens to spill the beans about his baby-making dallying, which would effectively get him booted from the football team. Dale caves and signs the parental rights waiver. But! Frank and Libby get back together anyway, and Libby shows up at the Solises' house and demands the baby back so she and Frank can give the whole family thing a whirl. As stripper Libby drives off with baby Lily, Gabby has a crying, screaming meltdown right in the middle of Wisteria Lane. Lynette's boss Ed is having marital trouble, and somehow Lynette gets enlisted as his cyber-Cyrano; she exchanges dirty instant messages with Ed's wife on his behalf. Ed's wife figures out what happened and demands that Ed fire the person who sexy-IMed her. Since Ed relies on Lynette too much to let her go, he tells his wife that Tom did it, and now Tom is totally going to get the ax, maybe! Bree is hot for Hempy Peter, but Hempy Peter's hard-nosed sponsor from Sex Addicts Anonymous identifies Bree as the temptation she so very much is, and he demands that Peter stop seeing her. Bree pays the sponsor a visit down at his job at the donut shop, but the sponsor won't budge -- in fact, he seems to delight in his power over Peter. When another one of the sponsor's wards, an addict from Narcotics Anonymous, stops by and guiltily hands over a pile of drugs to the sponsor, evil Bree swings into action: she reports the sponsor's stash to two cops, who conveniently wander into the shop at just that moment. And with the sponsor's sponsor-status revoked, and, oops, his entire life ruined, Bree gets to take over as Peter's new SA sponsor! Is there a Worst Idea Ever Anonymous group in Fairview? If so, they need to start brewing some coffee, stat. Betty lines up some buyers for the house, and the Applewrong's move seems eminent. But Danielle won't have it! She loves Matthew! And she's never going to let him go! Matthew tells slow Caleb that Danielle secretly wants him to kiss her, and then he sends his brother over to the Van De Kamp house to go make it happen. When Bree hears Danielle screaming in her room, she grabs a gun and runs in there to find confused Caleb towering over crying, robe-torn Danielle. Bree confronts Betty about what happened, and Betty seems convinced that Caleb finally needs to be sent to a home. Matthew goes over to comfort Danielle, and as soon as they're alone, she smiles and asks him whether their plan worked. What? It's true: she was totally in on it. But it turns out Betty has other plans for Caleb, and they involve a big bottle of poison and an even bigger ham. Will Matthew's rusty conscience stand idly by while his brother gets put to sleep, just so Matthew can stay in town with skanky Danielle? Will Bree and Hempy find their higher power, together, in bed? Will Tom file for unemployment? Tune in week and find out!

Previously: Gabby fell in love with a baby, Susan slept with Karl (again), and we learned that Hempy Peter is a sex addict.

This week's MAVO flashback fun features Karl and his many breakups. Apparently his favorite parting MO is to sneak out of a woman's house early in the morning, leaving nothing but a note in his wake. This morning, Karl is kneeling at Edie's bedside, praying to the god of goodbyes that this one will go off without a hitch. MAVO: "Karl Mayer didn't pray often, but when he did, it was usually to ask for God's help in breaking up with a woman, and to spare him the nasty drama that usually accompanied such callous and [patented MAVO bemused pause] unexpected departures. Over the years, Karl had dumped dozens of women, and not one of them had ever seen it coming." We flash back on a series of sleeping beautiful women from all walks of life -- the sophisticated woman in the satin negligee, the girly woman with the stuffed animals, the rugged woman with the bicycle suspended from her wall -- each of them rolling over to find one of Karl's notes. MAVO tells us how he always planned each parting "meticulously," which has allowed him to accumulate an amazing record of clean getaways from women who "did not want to see him go."

Back in the now, Karl is quietly and sneakily assembling all his bags. MAVO: "So when he decided to break up with Edie Britt, Karl prayed to God yet again to help him avoid all the [bemused pause] unnecessary drama. Unfortunately for Karl [Edie's alarm goes off, at the somewhat unusual time of "6:10"], God was in the mood to be entertained." Edie rolls over and her fingers brush Karl's note. She opens her eyes and sees Karl standing there with all his luggage. Karl does a cartoon-y raised-eyebrow "whoopsies!" smile; then he makes a comic, Snagglepussy exit -- stage left, even. And the plucky DH music soars.

Outside, Karl frantically throws all his stuff into his open convertible, steps over the door, and then tries to start the car. But the engine, she won't start! I guess spanking-new Mustangs aren't that reliable? I guess I'll just go ahead and cancel that order. ("You couldn't have give him a Yaris?" a Ford executive sighs dejectedly at his flat-screen somewhere in Detroit.) Karl tries and tries, and even gives the obligatory "c'mon, c'mon"s, but the car still won't oblige. And then out runs Edie, looking pretty good for 6 AM in her matching lavender cotton lace cami and drawstring jammie pants. Edie is questioning the contents of the note, specifically the "let's be honest with ourselves" and "we haven't been happy in a long time" parts. (It's like Microsoft added a "Dump" tool to Word: "It appears you are writing a breakup note. Have you considered adding an 'I hope we can be friends someday,' as a PS?") Edie: "Who are you to tell me I haven't been happy, you miserable son of a bitch? I have been ECSTATIC!" Whee! Karl uncomfortably confesses that he is the one who hasn't been happy, and Edie very reasonably asks why, then, did he ask her to marry him? Karl stares off into space and reveals that he actually has no idea. Edie shouts that she's gloated to every woman in the neighborhood about her pending nups, et cetera, and Karl tries to embrace her, but deflects his huggers with a double wax off and asks if there's "someone else." Karl doesn't say yes, but he doesn't say no, either, and Edie gets the message loud and clear. She drops an OMG; then she starts looking around for something to club him with. She spies a rake leaning against her house, and makes a beeline for it. Karl: "Oh crap." He leaps back into his car and desperately cranks his starter again and again. (Ford CEO: "Here we go with another round of layoffs.") But then, just as Edie's winding up for her swing, the engine catches! Crazy, isn't it, how things like that work out? Karl gives a huge "phew," and then smiles winningly at Edie and hits the gas. And it looks like it's totally back...to the FUTURE for Karl, except for the huge garbage truck that smashes right on into him, crumpling in the whole front end of his shiny new 'Stang. Edie looks at his steaming hood in shock, and Karl just sits there, looking betrayed. MAVO: "Karl couldn't help but [sic] wonder why God had forsaken him. It never occurred to him that God [pause for ultimate hilarity] might be a woman." Crazy!

Over at Inappropriate Lustmongers Anonymous, Hempy is leading the Serenity Prayer, which starts out like so: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..." You see that? God: s/he sure does make for an awesome segue. The camera pans around the circle of alcoholics, who all have their heads bowed in prayer, and then we get to Bree, who is the only one not praying. Instead, she's ogling Hempy. MAVO tells us that while most Fairview alcoholics pray for help in resisting temptation, Bree's thoughts "were downright sinful."

After the meeting, Bree helps Hempy to clean up the donut mess while she raves about how glorious and "passionate" the opera truly is. Hempy: "Yeah, three-hundred-pound sopranos seducing balding tenors -- that'd be totally hot." Bree, flirting: "You making fun of me?" She pokes Hempy teasingly in the sides; then she gets in all close and lines her mouth up with his in clear preparation for docking procedure. And with that, Hempy's last shred of resolve slips away, and he leans in for a...

...but wait! With the same reliability of cars that never start when you most need them to, the door swings open behind Bree and Hempy and, at the last possible moment, the kiss is derailed. Who's come to ruin Bree's lusty hopes and reams? Why it's M.C. Gainey, the terrifying naked biker thug from Sideways! (For some wrong reason, my boyfriend and I watched that entire scene on frame-by-frame advance, and no matter how much I try or drink, I can never quite rid myself of the memory of his pear-shaped frame lurching up and down, up and down, with his weathered stomach and mannibles flopping tremendously. Not that there's that many people who would look good running naked under the unforgiving glare of frame-by-frame advance, yet still: wow.) Meet Claude, Hempy's SA sponsor. M.C. Flappy Claude is not pleased with the scene he sees before him, no not at all. For one, he and Hempy had plans for dinner, and he's hangry (have you heard this, the new term for so being so hungry you're angry?). For two, he maybe has ogle-type feelings of his own for Hempy? This is never really discussed openly, but there's an undercurrent of jealousy here that feels like it reaches beyond the boundaries of normal sponsor-sponsored relationships. And three, M.C. Flappy Claude expressly told Hempy to avoid all "lust triggers," a class of situations of which Bree is most decidedly a most excellent example. M.C. Flappy Claude leeringly says it a few more times: "Lust trigger, lust trigger." Bree: "Um, excuse me, I don't know what that means, but can you please stop saying it?" M.C. Flappy Claude makes Hempy pull out his chip, which, as M.C. Flappy Claude reminds him, "represents twelve months of hard work": "If you want to blow all that on this woman, just tell me now so I can stop wasting my time." Bree and Hempy exchange pleading looks, and then Hempy resignedly turns to leave. Claude: "Good. Now tell the pretty lady goodbye, and that you can't socialize with her anymore. And do it quick, I'm hungry." Hungry, and (as I can't help but know) hiding a swaying mound of poorly molded ambrosia pudding underneath those clothes.

Down at the office, Lynette and Tom (hey, Lynette: nice flippy new haircut! Hey, Tom: hi, where the hell have you been?) are heading for home, carrying their daycare-worn, sleep-floppy kids in their arms. They're juuuuust about to the elevator when they hear the bad news: Ed wants everyone to stay late to work on the big "Edelstein Realty Pitch." Even though they're not even presenting the pitch to the client for another two weeks. Lynette, exasperated and confused, asked why don't they just wait and start fresh tomorrow? Coworker Jerry: "But how would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?" Apparently Ed's been overheard yelling at his wife on the phone every day this week. Not everyone has to be in on the all-nighter, though: Ed has generously put the word out that people with kids are allowed to leave. That is, all the parents except Ed's "security blanket," Lynette. Lynette sighs and hands her sleeping P child off to Jerry to help Tom get the gang down to the car. Just then, Ed appears and snippily commands Lynette to get cracking on "those mockups." Lynette slumps off, and Ed turns to Jerry, who has a P strewn across his shoulder: "I didn't you know you had a kid, Jerry?" Jerry, seeing his chance, enthusiastically lays claim to the child in his arms, claiming he produced it "out of wedlock." And with that, Jerry makes a dash for the elevator.

Susan rolls into Gabby's house and finds Lynette, Gabby, and Bree all huddled around a sobbing Edie. Susan asks what's up, and all the ladies take turns scornfully explaining how Karl dumped Edie because apparently he was seeing someone else. Subtle Susan immediately starts to writhe in guilt, and she asks Edie if Karl, um, said who this other woman is?! Edie: "I know who she is." Susan looks terrified. Edie goes on: "She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!" Susan collapses with super-obvious relief over Edie's lack of an actual name. Edie tearfully confesses that when Karl left Susan, she just thought it was because Susan was a "nag, or bad in bed." But now Edie realizes that she and Susan are both victims: "It's like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one." Lynette suggests they save the vitriol for the other woman, whomever she may be, and all the ladies eagerly start in on bashing that little "homewrecker." Susan suffers in silence for a few beats, and then pops up and blurts that baby Lily is doing something cute! They all look over at huge baby Lily, who's just lying there. Gabby is all, "What, she's sleeping." Susan, whispering: "Like an angel!" Gabby eagerly returns to her spite for the other woman: "Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog, but let's face it: if these tramps weren't laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down!" This from a woman who kissed Tom (not nearly as bad, granted, but the spirit is there) and stomped all over her own wedding vows by dallying with underage gardener. Susan tries to bring some rationality into play, pointing out that "every situation is different," and that maybe they should withhold judgment until all the facts are in. Blank stares, echoing tick of a clock. Susan, cowed: "She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely."

By Evany

Down at the office, Lynette and Tom (hey, Lynette: nice flippy new haircut! Hey, Tom: hi, where the hell have you been?) are heading for home, carrying their daycare-worn, sleep-floppy kids in their arms. They're juuuuust about to the elevator when they hear the bad news: Ed wants everyone to stay late to work on the big "Edelstein Realty Pitch." Even though they're not even presenting the pitch to the client for another two weeks. Lynette, exasperated and confused, asked why don't they just wait and start fresh tomorrow? Coworker Jerry: "But how would that help Ed avoid his marital problems?" Apparently Ed's been overheard yelling at his wife on the phone every day this week. Not everyone has to be in on the all-nighter, though: Ed has generously put the word out that people with kids are allowed to leave. That is, all the parents except Ed's "security blanket," Lynette. Lynette sighs and hands her sleeping P child off to Jerry to help Tom get the gang down to the car. Just then, Ed appears and snippily commands Lynette to get cracking on "those mockups." Lynette slumps off, and Ed turns to Jerry, who has a P strewn across his shoulder: "I didn't you know you had a kid, Jerry?" Jerry, seeing his chance, enthusiastically lays claim to the child in his arms, claiming he produced it "out of wedlock." And with that, Jerry makes a dash for the elevator.

Susan rolls into Gabby's house and finds Lynette, Gabby, and Bree all huddled around a sobbing Edie. Susan asks what's up, and all the ladies take turns scornfully explaining how Karl dumped Edie because apparently he was seeing someone else. Subtle Susan immediately starts to writhe in guilt, and she asks Edie if Karl, um, said who this other woman is?! Edie: "I know who she is." Susan looks terrified. Edie goes on: "She's a man-eating, scum-sucking ho bag!" Susan collapses with super-obvious relief over Edie's lack of an actual name. Edie tearfully confesses that when Karl left Susan, she just thought it was because Susan was a "nag, or bad in bed." But now Edie realizes that she and Susan are both victims: "It's like we're sisters. There's even a pretty one and an ugly one." Lynette suggests they save the vitriol for the other woman, whomever she may be, and all the ladies eagerly start in on bashing that little "homewrecker." Susan suffers in silence for a few beats, and then pops up and blurts that baby Lily is doing something cute! They all look over at huge baby Lily, who's just lying there. Gabby is all, "What, she's sleeping." Susan, whispering: "Like an angel!" Gabby eagerly returns to her spite for the other woman: "Look, I think we all know that Karl is a dog, but let's face it: if these tramps weren't laying out the buffet, he wouldn't be chowing down!" This from a woman who kissed Tom (not nearly as bad, granted, but the spirit is there) and stomped all over her own wedding vows by dallying with underage gardener. Susan tries to bring some rationality into play, pointing out that "every situation is different," and that maybe they should withhold judgment until all the facts are in. Blank stares, echoing tick of a clock. Susan, cowed: "She's a slutty, slutty whore, absolutely."

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Betty is finishing up a house tour she's giving to a couple of highly motivated buyers. "Once the stairs are repaired," she tells them, "I'll show you the basement." Matthew walks up, all, "???" Betty: "The house just sold. Start packing." I don't care how hot that couple was for a spot on Wisteria Lane; there's no way they'd actually buy the house without first getting a look at the basement. Even less believable is the notion that Betty didn't take care of the whole dungeon/murder scene before she actually started showing the house. But okay.

Down at the make-out gazebo, Danielle is having a meltdown. Matthew can't move away! She LOVES HIM!!! I wonder when that happened? I guess the reason Danielle's been completely absent from the show for lo these many weeks is because she's been off with Matthew, riding horses on the beach and sharing tubs of popcorn and all those other "falling in love" scenarios, including the "oops you've got mustard on your chin" sequence. Anyway, so Danielle is peppering all these panicked questions at Matthew. Why can't Caleb go away to a nuthouse? (Because Betty would never let "strangers take care of him.") Why can't they just call the police and get Caleb removed that way? (Because the police would arrest Matthew and Betty, too.) Matthew tries to calm her down by promising that he'll call her every day. Danielle -- looking very much like Mary from Little House (including the totally lame "blind girl" middle-distance stutter-stare) -- screeches that she doesn't want a "phone buddy," she wants a "BOYFRIEND!!!" Sexy girlfriend! Danielle threatens that she's perfectly capable of going the police on her own, but then she immediately backtracks and whines about how much she loves Matthew, how she's willing to do anything, anything?, ANYTHING to keep Matthew in Fairview. Matthew -- looking like he's finally seeing Danielle for the first time, and he's maybe not liking what he sees: "Yeah, I see that now." Danielle: "You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something." Matthew, like a robot, tells her not to worry; he'll think of something. And the "I guess it's time for me to start picking out an outfit for Danielle's funeral" music swells!

It's late, late at night, and Lynette's still at work. Her computer screen is awash with heinous Excel spreadshits when suddenly an IM from "T-MAN SCAVO" pops up. In all-caps, he asks her, "WHEN R U COMING HOME?" "AT THIS RATE? NEVER," replies LYNETTE65. Ho, it appears that the Cherry has consulted with his intern staff on this one, trying for the most "authentic" IM-style speak, when really, Tom and Lynette would be much more likely to type in complete, lower-case sentences just like all the other parent/late-adapters do. ["Hey! Even in an IM, good grammar costs nothing! But seriously, are you saying I IM like a mom?" -- Wing Chun] But enough with the embarrassingly picky nitpick. Far more important: the Scavos are having IM sex! T-Man: "HE'S KEEPING YOU LATE AND I'M HORNY!" Lynette smiles and rolls her head lasciviously, and Prince-types: "WHAT DO U WANT ME 2 DO ABOUT THAT?" Then Lynette drops a sugar packet onto the floor, and when she bends to pick it up, whoops, a new IM window pops open. It's boss Ed, wondering if she wants any coffee. Of course Lynette doesn't notice that the IM windows have changed, so she types back to Ed's innocent offer of coffee with "I WANT 2 LICK YOU FROM HEAD TO FOOT." The camera does a comedy zoom in on the name in the new window, ED FERRARA, and Lynette looks like she's just eaten a barf sandwich. And while this scene may seem kind of far-fetched, I can personally attest to the fact that IM window mix-ups do, in fact, happen. All the time. So while they may be little off with the lingo, I still say kudos to the Housewives writers for using this little modern foible to comedic effect, huzzah.

By Evany

When we return, Gabby and Carlos are shuffle-running up the street, Encino Holt jogging after them. Just then, Stripper Libby's pothead ex-boyfriend Frank pulls up in his cute royal-blue vintage Jeep-type thing with a white hardtop, nice. Frank, to Encino Holt: "What is the hold-up?" And just at this ripe moment, Julie Mayer walks up to her fence carrying a hose and asks if she can see the baby. Both Carlos and Gabby scream "No!" at her and keep running up the street. Ha! Frank yells at his brother to just "do it already," and Encino Holt whines that he's "not just going to kidnap it." Frank: "Why not? They did! It's your baby, just take it!" At that, Carlos stops walking and gets right up in Encino Holt's face, and the kid, understandably, just wilts. Frank: "Argh, get in, you moron!" Encino Holt, who really does seem to be quite a moron, goes to get into the car with Frank, but only after pausing to tell the Solises what a good job they've been doing with the baby: "She seems clean." Uh oh.

Betty is finishing up a house tour she's giving to a couple of highly motivated buyers. "Once the stairs are repaired," she tells them, "I'll show you the basement." Matthew walks up, all, "???" Betty: "The house just sold. Start packing." I don't care how hot that couple was for a spot on Wisteria Lane; there's no way they'd actually buy the house without first getting a look at the basement. Even less believable is the notion that Betty didn't take care of the whole dungeon/murder scene before she actually started showing the house. But okay.

Down at the make-out gazebo, Danielle is having a meltdown. Matthew can't move away! She LOVES HIM!!! I wonder when that happened? I guess the reason Danielle's been completely absent from the show for lo these many weeks is because she's been off with Matthew, riding horses on the beach and sharing tubs of popcorn and all those other "falling in love" scenarios, including the "oops you've got mustard on your chin" sequence. Anyway, so Danielle is peppering all these panicked questions at Matthew. Why can't Caleb go away to a nuthouse? (Because Betty would never let "strangers take care of him.") Why can't they just call the police and get Caleb removed that way? (Because the police would arrest Matthew and Betty, too.) Matthew tries to calm her down by promising that he'll call her every day. Danielle -- looking very much like Mary from Little House (including the totally lame "blind girl" middle-distance stutter-stare) -- screeches that she doesn't want a "phone buddy," she wants a "BOYFRIEND!!!" Sexy girlfriend! Danielle threatens that she's perfectly capable of going the police on her own, but then she immediately backtracks and whines about how much she loves Matthew, how she's willing to do anything, anything?, ANYTHING to keep Matthew in Fairview. Matthew -- looking like he's finally seeing Danielle for the first time, and he's maybe not liking what he sees: "Yeah, I see that now." Danielle: "You can't leave me alone here. You have to think of something." Matthew, like a robot, tells her not to worry; he'll think of something. And the "I guess it's time for me to start picking out an outfit for Danielle's funeral" music swells!

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Just then, a skittish-looking young man comes into the donut store, and M.C. Flappy Claude signals to Bree to shh and then goes over to confront the guy. Apparently, M.C. Flappy Claude is also this guy's sponsor, but at "Cocaine Anonymous," which I've always heard referred to as just "Narcotics Anonymous"? The guy confesses that he's just slipped up and bought himself a bag of drugs. Claude: "You're an embarrassment to me. Give!" The guy fearfully hands M.C. Flappy Claude his drugs, and then scampers off to an NA meeting, and M.C. Flappy Claude proudly struts back over to Bree -- it's clear he enjoys the mouse-like fear of his wards. Bree: "Well, aren't you the Renaissance Man!" Then she goes on to lecture Claude: while he may know his way around the many anonymous groups of this world, he doesn't know about the power of love! Which is a train that you don't need money or fame or credit cards to ride! M.C. Flappy Claude laughs hugely at this naive argument. Gesturing at the just-confiscated bag of drugs, he says, "This is all you are to [Hempy] -- something to satisfy his addiction." But Bree thinks Hempy is a better man than that, and informs creepy M.C. Flappy Claude that she's not going to let him get between them! Claude, the cock of the walk: "Try and stop me! [Hempy] does everything I tell him to do. That's the one thing you can depend on with addicts: they're weak." M.C. Flappy Claude retreats into the back of the store, and Bree turns to leave. But, what's this? Two cops walking into the donut shop at just this opportune moment? After hesitating maybe one split earth second, Bree goes ahead and ruins Claude's life: she primly informs the two nice officers about the "significant amount of drugs" M.C. Flappy Claude is currently in possession of. Bye bye, Claude!

Susan shows up on Edie's doorstep, armed with a whole stack of a certain sort of book. There's The Art Of Moving On, Women Who Can't Love, It's Not YOU, Live To Love: Letting Go Of Rage...she's got it all. And the way she looks so exited about sharing her stash with someone who so clearly isn't going to care makes me a just little sad. Poor Susan, painfully squeezing every last offering out of the self-help aisle! Aw. But yeah, I was right. Edie immediately makes it known that she's "not into the whole reading thing." What she really needs is to go "get hammered," and for Susan to be the designated driver. And since Susan doesn't have a How To Say No When The Jilted Lover Of Your Legal Husband Guilts You Into A Night Of Drinking book in her arsenal, she's powerless to say no.

Hempy is completely devastated by the news/lie that his sponsor has been secretly using. And Bree totally sympathizes: "It's just awful, isn't it? I mean, you never know what people are doing behind your back. Would you like some milk with your cookies?" Ha! Hempy is particularly sad because M.C. Flappy Claude was the best sponsor Hempy had ever had, and he feels totally lost without him. And that's just the opener Bree was looking for. Why not let Bree be his SA sponsor! All he needs is someone to call when cravings strike, right? Bree, with convincing conviction: "I can be very strong for those people that I really care about." Oh, what a terrible, terrible idea. Hempy: "How can you have any feelings for me at all? I mean, you've only known me for a few weeks." Yeah! But according to Bree, in the five minutes she's known Hempy, she's learned that he's healthy, wealthy, and wise or something (wait, no, it's "good, and kind, and smart"). And what more does she need to know? Hempster: "If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much." And vice versa, my friend. Because Bree is capable of some pretty terrible things herself. But until that darkness hits light, Bree wants Hempy to let her be his "rock": "Taking care of people is what I do best." You mean like when Rex had a heart attack and Bree paused to make her bed before driving him to the hospital? Or how she told her daughter that she was stupid? Yeah.

Meanwhile, down at the Sports Bar Where the Waitresses All Wear Whistles and Sporty Mesh Short-Shorts and Tanks with Black Bras Underneath, Edie is drunk and giving the waitress a hard time: sending back her food, accusing the poor woman of being too stupid to remember Edie's "extra-spicy" order, and so on. Susan nervously asks Edie why she has it in for this waitress? Turns out the girl has flirted with Karl in the past, and Edie's convinced that she's the one Karl's running with now. When Edie threatens to throw her pitcher of beer in the waitress's face when she comes back with her re-order, Susan tries to soothe Edie by playing devil's advocate: "Let's say that it's someone else. You know -- probably a lonely, vulnerable woman who [sic] Karl just took advantage of. And what if this poor, confused soul begged your forgiveness?" Edie, who's actually hilariously drunk (nice going, Sheridan!): "I'd say, 'Too little, too late, BITCH!' And then I'd kick 'er." Susan cowers. Edie swaggers that Susan doesn't have to worry about such a scenario, because clearly it's the waitress: "I mean, who else could it be? Karl's office is all guys, and the only women he sees are me, Julie, that lesbian who does his taxes, and you!" Susan, well aware of how close Edie is nudging to the truth: "You know what, it is her." Edie, sort of disappointed, asks how Susan knows. Susan, lying: "She just spit in your wings." Edie, first disgusted and then scheming: "You got my back?" Susan, nervous: "Uh...sure?" The waitress returns with a HUGE plate of wings (seriously, it's like Fred-Flintstone-prehistoric-car-tipping huge), and Edie sticks out her legs and trips the woman. Wings go flying everywhere, and the woman gets up and accuses Edie of tripping her on purpose. By way of response, Edie punches the woman with a juicy roundhouse punch. We see three other sporty waitresses suddenly turn their heads with the unison of groundhogs suddenly on alert, and they blow their whistles and come racing over to enter the fray. Outnumbered, Edie yells, "Mayer! Four on one? A little help?" And Susan gingerly rolls her way on top of the writhing mass of wings and sports-themed girls.

By Evany

Just then, a skittish-looking young man comes into the donut store, and M.C. Flappy Claude signals to Bree to shh and then goes over to confront the guy. Apparently, M.C. Flappy Claude is also this guy's sponsor, but at "Cocaine Anonymous," which I've always heard referred to as just "Narcotics Anonymous"? The guy confesses that he's just slipped up and bought himself a bag of drugs. Claude: "You're an embarrassment to me. Give!" The guy fearfully hands M.C. Flappy Claude his drugs, and then scampers off to an NA meeting, and M.C. Flappy Claude proudly struts back over to Bree -- it's clear he enjoys the mouse-like fear of his wards. Bree: "Well, aren't you the Renaissance Man!" Then she goes on to lecture Claude: while he may know his way around the many anonymous groups of this world, he doesn't know about the power of love! Which is a train that you don't need money or fame or credit cards to ride! M.C. Flappy Claude laughs hugely at this naive argument. Gesturing at the just-confiscated bag of drugs, he says, "This is all you are to [Hempy] -- something to satisfy his addiction." But Bree thinks Hempy is a better man than that, and informs creepy M.C. Flappy Claude that she's not going to let him get between them! Claude, the cock of the walk: "Try and stop me! [Hempy] does everything I tell him to do. That's the one thing you can depend on with addicts: they're weak." M.C. Flappy Claude retreats into the back of the store, and Bree turns to leave. But, what's this? Two cops walking into the donut shop at just this opportune moment? After hesitating maybe one split earth second, Bree goes ahead and ruins Claude's life: she primly informs the two nice officers about the "significant amount of drugs" M.C. Flappy Claude is currently in possession of. Bye bye, Claude!

Susan shows up on Edie's doorstep, armed with a whole stack of a certain sort of book. There's The Art Of Moving On, Women Who Can't Love, It's Not YOU, Live To Love: Letting Go Of Rage...she's got it all. And the way she looks so exited about sharing her stash with someone who so clearly isn't going to care makes me a just little sad. Poor Susan, painfully squeezing every last offering out of the self-help aisle! Aw. But yeah, I was right. Edie immediately makes it known that she's "not into the whole reading thing." What she really needs is to go "get hammered," and for Susan to be the designated driver. And since Susan doesn't have a How To Say No When The Jilted Lover Of Your Legal Husband Guilts You Into A Night Of Drinking book in her arsenal, she's powerless to say no.

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By Evany

Hempy is completely devastated by the news/lie that his sponsor has been secretly using. And Bree totally sympathizes: "It's just awful, isn't it? I mean, you never know what people are doing behind your back. Would you like some milk with your cookies?" Ha! Hempy is particularly sad because M.C. Flappy Claude was the best sponsor Hempy had ever had, and he feels totally lost without him. And that's just the opener Bree was looking for. Why not let Bree be his SA sponsor! All he needs is someone to call when cravings strike, right? Bree, with convincing conviction: "I can be very strong for those people that I really care about." Oh, what a terrible, terrible idea. Hempy: "How can you have any feelings for me at all? I mean, you've only known me for a few weeks." Yeah! But according to Bree, in the five minutes she's known Hempy, she's learned that he's healthy, wealthy, and wise or something (wait, no, it's "good, and kind, and smart"). And what more does she need to know? Hempster: "If you saw me at my worst, you might not like me so much." And vice versa, my friend. Because Bree is capable of some pretty terrible things herself. But until that darkness hits light, Bree wants Hempy to let her be his "rock": "Taking care of people is what I do best." You mean like when Rex had a heart attack and Bree paused to make her bed before driving him to the hospital? Or how she told her daughter that she was stupid? Yeah.

Meanwhile, down at the Sports Bar Where the Waitresses All Wear Whistles and Sporty Mesh Short-Shorts and Tanks with Black Bras Underneath, Edie is drunk and giving the waitress a hard time: sending back her food, accusing the poor woman of being too stupid to remember Edie's "extra-spicy" order, and so on. Susan nervously asks Edie why she has it in for this waitress? Turns out the girl has flirted with Karl in the past, and Edie's convinced that she's the one Karl's running with now. When Edie threatens to throw her pitcher of beer in the waitress's face when she comes back with her re-order, Susan tries to soothe Edie by playing devil's advocate: "Let's say that it's someone else. You know -- probably a lonely, vulnerable woman who [sic] Karl just took advantage of. And what if this poor, confused soul begged your forgiveness?" Edie, who's actually hilariously drunk (nice going, Sheridan!): "I'd say, 'Too little, too late, BITCH!' And then I'd kick 'er." Susan cowers. Edie swaggers that Susan doesn't have to worry about such a scenario, because clearly it's the waitress: "I mean, who else could it be? Karl's office is all guys, and the only women he sees are me, Julie, that lesbian who does his taxes, and you!" Susan, well aware of how close Edie is nudging to the truth: "You know what, it is her." Edie, sort of disappointed, asks how Susan knows. Susan, lying: "She just spit in your wings." Edie, first disgusted and then scheming: "You got my back?" Susan, nervous: "Uh...sure?" The waitress returns with a HUGE plate of wings (seriously, it's like Fred-Flintstone-prehistoric-car-tipping huge), and Edie sticks out her legs and trips the woman. Wings go flying everywhere, and the woman gets up and accuses Edie of tripping her on purpose. By way of response, Edie punches the woman with a juicy roundhouse punch. We see three other sporty waitresses suddenly turn their heads with the unison of groundhogs suddenly on alert, and they blow their whistles and come racing over to enter the fray. Outnumbered, Edie yells, "Mayer! Four on one? A little help?" And Susan gingerly rolls her way on top of the writhing mass of wings and sports-themed girls.

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In the bathroom, Bree asks Hempy what's going on: "You can't possibly be turned on by what's going on out there?" Hempy pounces on Bree's revulsion: "Disgusting, isn't it?" Turns out he's staged this whole thing to give potential sponsor Bree an idea of what she'd be in for, dealing with a sex addict: "I can't make you not have feelings for me, but I can show you who I was, what my life was like." Bree tries to reassure him that he's no longer like that, but he insists that he's just one slip away from wearing a feather mask and boxers. And really, aren't we all? Hempy: "It's dangerous to care about me. A lot of people have over the years, and they all end up getting hurt." At some point in my development, after many failed attempts to fix people or wait them out, I realized that when a man warns you about his deficiencies, you should probably listen. But Bree just sits there and smiles: "Rex said he'd always be faithful. George said he'd never hurt me. And as it turned out, they were both liars. So as long as you're honest with me, you'd be amazed at what I can put up with."

At the office, Ed is lying on his couch, brooding. Lynette giggles her way through the door and asks, "Did you have a late night? I hope?" Ed: "It was horrible." Ha! Ed: "Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off?" Ha, ha! Whee! And yet...Ed didn't even review "his" IM session before he went home? That seems very, very stupid. Though once you're at the point of letting employees sex-talk your wife, you're already on shaky ground, intelligence-wise. Lynette burbles in confusion for a few beats, and then it dawns on her: "Ooohhhh, the honeymoon thing!" Ed: "Yeah, and it hurt like hell then, too." Maybe Ed needs a few lessons from Bree about being married to someone who takes John Cougar's "Hurt So Good" anthem to heart. And to bed. But that's the least of his worries now: apparently, Fran put two and two together, subtracted a nipple, and discovered the answer: a "stranger" seduced her over IM! And she sure was mad, like divorcing mad. The only way Ed managed to persuade her not to call her lawyer was by promising to fire the person who Cyrano'ed her online. But since he can't afford to lose Lynette, his right-hand woman, he told Fran it was Tom. Lynette tries to put her foot down, but Ed insists: "I don't have a damn choice. I can't be divorced. I can't." Lynette: "He's under contract. If you just fire him, he'll sue you and I'll back it up." Very softly, Ed says that he'll just have to go out and find some cause, then. Ed: "It shouldn't be too difficult, if I look hard enough."

Lynette walks out and spies Tom looking over some papers in the conference room. He looks up at her and smiles a big smile, and she smiles a reluctant little smile. Wait a second, I'm confused. Was Lynette suggesting that Ed find cause, or was she trying to point out that Ed had no cause? In other words, is she helping Ed to fire Tom? Because I know that she was against him getting the job there, but trying to get him canned would be really, really low, even for Lynette. But since she didn't quit the very second Ed proposed the scheme -- which, to my mind, is the only thing she could/should do -- it's not looking good.

Edie comes over to Susan's house and asks after the state of Susan's eye. Susan, laughing: "Oh, it's still a little red, but I think I got all the hot sauce out." Still standing at the door, Edie uncomfortably reminds Susan about how, when she said they were like sisters? Before? She didn't actually mean it. But now, after their bar brawl, she actually does. Edie, nicely and sincerely: "Thank you, thank you for having my back." They hug awkwardly, aw, and then a car drives by and Edie excuses herself to go meet with the driver they just spotted. Edie runs up behind the man just as he's getting out of his car. His name is Oliver, he has a mustache, and he is a PI. Edie's hired him to find out whose bed Karl's been sleeping in, so that Edie can "nail that ho to the wall." Oh, Susan.

At the house of the rotten Applewrongs, Caleb is sleeping on the couch. Matthew tiptoes down from upstairs and quietly wakes his brother. When Caleb's awake, Matthew tells him, "It's time," ugh.

Cut to Caleb jogging cheerfully up the street and into Casa Van de Kiss. Danielle is sitting in her room, brushing her hair, when she spies Caleb in the mirror. Bree is busy putting away her pearls, of course, when she hears a scream coming from Danielle's room. Without hesitating, Bree runs over to her bedside table and grabs a gun. She runs into Danielle's room and fires her gun into the air. Caleb stops pawing at Danielle and cowers in the corner. Bree orders Danielle to call the police, but she refuses on the grounds that her love, Matthew, and his mother will get into trouble, too. Danielle cries and begs and looks very, very rough.

Cut to Bree having it out with Betty: "If I hadn't been in the house, he could have raped her. Or worse." Betty absorbs this news with eerie calm, and Matthew comes in to say that Caleb is locked up in his room. Bree tells Betty that their agreement is officially off, and that if Caleb isn't gone by tomorrow, Bree is calling the police. Matthew promises Bree that Caleb will be taken care of, and then he asks if he can go visit Danielle. Bree agrees, and Matthew gives Betty's shoulder a little squeeze as he leaves. Bree leans in way close to Betty's face and tells her how very serious she is about all of this: "Either you do something, or I will." Betty, with the robotic calm of someone deeply under the control of an alien force: "Bree. Stop worrying. I understand what needs to happen now."

Matthew comes into Danielle's room, and there's stuff everywhere. Danielle, the shoulder of her pajamas torn, is moping in a the corner. But once she sees that Matthew is alone, she gives him an evil little smile: "Did it work?" Matthew, with his own kind of robotic-ness, tells her it went "perfectly." Wow, it turns out Danielle is even more evil than Andrew! Hey, where's Andrew?

The morning, Betty is unpacking her groceries. Matthew is rattling off a list of potential mental facilities for Caleb. Betty hands him a huge, huge ham, and then tells him that she promised herself she'd never send Caleb away: "How long do you think it would be before he'd act out, maybe hurt somebody? Couple of days? Week? Then they'd throw him in a straitjacket and drug away what's left of his mind." Matthew: "But if we don't send him to a hospital, he's going to end up in prison. Don't you think that's worse?" Betty emphatically agrees. Matthew: "So what the hell are we going to do?" Betty spins and hands him a bottle of Phenobarbital -- which, according to the boards, is a heavy, heavy drug that is used to sedate people who have seizures. It's prescription-only, but as we've seen before, Betty is an Olympic champion of lying her way into heavy-duty prescriptions. Betty, as tragic music swells: "It's easy, it's painless. Just a few drops and he simply falls asleep." Matthew looks stunned. This wasn't part of the plan! Betty: "Caleb was meant for a better world than this, Matthew. It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves." Uh oh.

Gabby is happily frolicking with Lily when the dreaded doorbell rings. It's a lawman, flanked by two uniformed police people. They've come for the baby. Gabby is confused: she got the bio-dad to sign away his rights. But it turns out that now it's actually Stripper Libby who wants the baby, and "until the adoption is legally finalized, the birth mother can still change her mind." Stripper Libby and Frank get out of the police car and eye the Solises with...I don't know, embarrassment? Apparently, Frank's sworn off the drugs and they now want to make a go of the whole family thing. At this point, Gabby totally, totally loses it. She starts screaming "No" and "no" and "no." Libby is all, "I'll totally give you all your money back." And Gabby shrieks that she doesn't care about the money (that's how serious she is!). Carlos -- with sad, sad reluctance -- hands off the baby to the policewoman. Gabby babbles that she loved her baby. She fed her and Carlos sang to her, and they loved her...all that parent stuff. It's actually kind of an excruciating scene. Much hay was made on the boards about the quality (or lack there of) of Eva's delivery here, and I'll admit that her screeching and crouching was a little over-the-top, and the one moment she tucked her hair behind her ear, that rang a little untrue. Nonetheless, whose eyes were weak and totally traitorous by the end of this scene? In fact, whose eyes started leaking all over again come recap time? That's right, Evany Thomas's.

By Evany

At the office, Ed is lying on his couch, brooding. Lynette giggles her way through the door and asks, "Did you have a late night? I hope?" Ed: "It was horrible." Ha! Ed: "Why would you tell my wife to bite my nipple off?" Ha, ha! Whee! And yet...Ed didn't even review "his" IM session before he went home? That seems very, very stupid. Though once you're at the point of letting employees sex-talk your wife, you're already on shaky ground, intelligence-wise. Lynette burbles in confusion for a few beats, and then it dawns on her: "Ooohhhh, the honeymoon thing!" Ed: "Yeah, and it hurt like hell then, too." Maybe Ed needs a few lessons from Bree about being married to someone who takes John Cougar's "Hurt So Good" anthem to heart. And to bed. But that's the least of his worries now: apparently, Fran put two and two together, subtracted a nipple, and discovered the answer: a "stranger" seduced her over IM! And she sure was mad, like divorcing mad. The only way Ed managed to persuade her not to call her lawyer was by promising to fire the person who Cyrano'ed her online. But since he can't afford to lose Lynette, his right-hand woman, he told Fran it was Tom. Lynette tries to put her foot down, but Ed insists: "I don't have a damn choice. I can't be divorced. I can't." Lynette: "He's under contract. If you just fire him, he'll sue you and I'll back it up." Very softly, Ed says that he'll just have to go out and find some cause, then. Ed: "It shouldn't be too difficult, if I look hard enough."

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By Evany

Lynette walks out and spies Tom looking over some papers in the conference room. He looks up at her and smiles a big smile, and she smiles a reluctant little smile. Wait a second, I'm confused. Was Lynette suggesting that Ed find cause, or was she trying to point out that Ed had no cause? In other words, is she helping Ed to fire Tom? Because I know that she was against him getting the job there, but trying to get him canned would be really, really low, even for Lynette. But since she didn't quit the very second Ed proposed the scheme -- which, to my mind, is the only thing she could/should do -- it's not looking good.

Edie comes over to Susan's house and asks after the state of Susan's eye. Susan, laughing: "Oh, it's still a little red, but I think I got all the hot sauce out." Still standing at the door, Edie uncomfortably reminds Susan about how, when she said they were like sisters? Before? She didn't actually mean it. But now, after their bar brawl, she actually does. Edie, nicely and sincerely: "Thank you, thank you for having my back." They hug awkwardly, aw, and then a car drives by and Edie excuses herself to go meet with the driver they just spotted. Edie runs up behind the man just as he's getting out of his car. His name is Oliver, he has a mustache, and he is a PI. Edie's hired him to find out whose bed Karl's been sleeping in, so that Edie can "nail that ho to the wall." Oh, Susan.

At the house of the rotten Applewrongs, Caleb is sleeping on the couch. Matthew tiptoes down from upstairs and quietly wakes his brother. When Caleb's awake, Matthew tells him, "It's time," ugh.

Cut to Caleb jogging cheerfully up the street and into Casa Van de Kiss. Danielle is sitting in her room, brushing her hair, when she spies Caleb in the mirror. Bree is busy putting away her pearls, of course, when she hears a scream coming from Danielle's room. Without hesitating, Bree runs over to her bedside table and grabs a gun. She runs into Danielle's room and fires her gun into the air. Caleb stops pawing at Danielle and cowers in the corner. Bree orders Danielle to call the police, but she refuses on the grounds that her love, Matthew, and his mother will get into trouble, too. Danielle cries and begs and looks very, very rough.

Cut to Bree having it out with Betty: "If I hadn't been in the house, he could have raped her. Or worse." Betty absorbs this news with eerie calm, and Matthew comes in to say that Caleb is locked up in his room. Bree tells Betty that their agreement is officially off, and that if Caleb isn't gone by tomorrow, Bree is calling the police. Matthew promises Bree that Caleb will be taken care of, and then he asks if he can go visit Danielle. Bree agrees, and Matthew gives Betty's shoulder a little squeeze as he leaves. Bree leans in way close to Betty's face and tells her how very serious she is about all of this: "Either you do something, or I will." Betty, with the robotic calm of someone deeply under the control of an alien force: "Bree. Stop worrying. I understand what needs to happen now."

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By Evany

Matthew comes into Danielle's room, and there's stuff everywhere. Danielle, the shoulder of her pajamas torn, is moping in a the corner. But once she sees that Matthew is alone, she gives him an evil little smile: "Did it work?" Matthew, with his own kind of robotic-ness, tells her it went "perfectly." Wow, it turns out Danielle is even more evil than Andrew! Hey, where's Andrew?

The morning, Betty is unpacking her groceries. Matthew is rattling off a list of potential mental facilities for Caleb. Betty hands him a huge, huge ham, and then tells him that she promised herself she'd never send Caleb away: "How long do you think it would be before he'd act out, maybe hurt somebody? Couple of days? Week? Then they'd throw him in a straitjacket and drug away what's left of his mind." Matthew: "But if we don't send him to a hospital, he's going to end up in prison. Don't you think that's worse?" Betty emphatically agrees. Matthew: "So what the hell are we going to do?" Betty spins and hands him a bottle of Phenobarbital -- which, according to the boards, is a heavy, heavy drug that is used to sedate people who have seizures. It's prescription-only, but as we've seen before, Betty is an Olympic champion of lying her way into heavy-duty prescriptions. Betty, as tragic music swells: "It's easy, it's painless. Just a few drops and he simply falls asleep." Matthew looks stunned. This wasn't part of the plan! Betty: "Caleb was meant for a better world than this, Matthew. It's time to give your brother the peace he deserves." Uh oh.

Gabby is happily frolicking with Lily when the dreaded doorbell rings. It's a lawman, flanked by two uniformed police people. They've come for the baby. Gabby is confused: she got the bio-dad to sign away his rights. But it turns out that now it's actually Stripper Libby who wants the baby, and "until the adoption is legally finalized, the birth mother can still change her mind." Stripper Libby and Frank get out of the police car and eye the Solises with...I don't know, embarrassment? Apparently, Frank's sworn off the drugs and they now want to make a go of the whole family thing. At this point, Gabby totally, totally loses it. She starts screaming "No" and "no" and "no." Libby is all, "I'll totally give you all your money back." And Gabby shrieks that she doesn't care about the money (that's how serious she is!). Carlos -- with sad, sad reluctance -- hands off the baby to the policewoman. Gabby babbles that she loved her baby. She fed her and Carlos sang to her, and they loved her...all that parent stuff. It's actually kind of an excruciating scene. Much hay was made on the boards about the quality (or lack there of) of Eva's delivery here, and I'll admit that her screeching and crouching was a little over-the-top, and the one moment she tucked her hair behind her ear, that rang a little untrue. Nonetheless, whose eyes were weak and totally traitorous by the end of this scene? In fact, whose eyes started leaking all over again come recap time? That's right, Evany Thomas's.

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By Evany

MAVO: "There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don't want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from its insight into human nature." Down at the AA meeting, Bree herself leads the Serenity Prayer. MAVO: "Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us." Edie throws the last of Karl's clothing out onto the lawn and then dusts of her hands. MAVO: "Because so many of us are cowardly, and afraid to stand up for what is right." Ed heads off to the elevator, and Lynette gazes after him anxiously. MAVO: "Because so many of us give in to despair when faced with an impossible choice." Betty strokes her gigantic bottle of Phenobarbital and then tucks it away in a drawer. MAVO: "The good news for those who utters these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer." Bree finishes up the Serenity Prayer ("...and the wisdom to know the difference"), and then she and Hempy smile at each other and squeeze hands. MAVO: "The bad news is that sometimes the answer is 'no.'" Carlos steers an unhinged Gabby into the house and closes the door. Sad!

week: the countdown to the season finale kicks into high gear, and Edie, for one, looks pretty mad.

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